Xena: Season 1, Episode 12: "Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts"

"Do you want to go back for the horse? It’s bound to be a collectors’ item.” - Gabrielle.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS:

1) Perdicus: “I’m sorry; no one sees them without permission. It’s against regulations.” X: “Well, that’s never bothered me before.”

2) X: “He’s dead.” – Love the way she says this. I know what she means just from the inflection.

3) G: “Go home, before something happens to you.” P: “I’m sorry, Gabrielle, but you can’t tell me what to do anymore.” – Snap!

 

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 11: "The Black Wolf"

You might think 500 BC a little early for ninjas, but you'd be wrong. It's a little known fact that Ninjas got their start in ancient Greece protecting poor villagers from asshole overlords.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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Jade Fox fights the innocents in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Not the Black Wolf. I originally had YouTube footage of the Jade Fox fight scene here, but the video has been taken down, and there's nothing to replace it. SO. Here, instead, is the greatest fight scene in Crouching Tiger and possibly all of film history:

EXTRAS:

1) Big Dude: “Looking for the man of your dreams, darling?” X: “Yep (punch to the gut) You’re not him.”

2) Koulos: “Guards!” X: “Oh, don’t bother the dears. They’re sleeping.” – YES!

3) X: “I can tell you that you were the closest thing I’ve ever had to a sister. That was important to me.” – that is so fucking sweet.

4) X: “There are two people in this dungeon who know I’m telling the truth. One is me… and one’s a traitor.” – Love the way she says this.

5) G: “Have you seen Xena? She, she’s tall. She’s beautiful. She, piercing blue eyes, swings a mean right hook. It looks like she might have swung it already.” - Good stuff.

6) Big Dude: “What if my drawers drop?!” Sal: “I don’t think that’s likely to happen. Uh, it’s a perfect fit. It’s like you were poured into that outfit. That belt really ruins the line of the ensemble.” - Ha!

7) Xena elbows the big dude in the nose. While she asks if anyone else has a problem with her, he struggles to recover noisily in the background before saying, “I got no problem.”

8) Flora’s trust in Xena is sweet as she lays her head down on the execution block. 

This is really a really cute video of what happened in New Zealand with LL and the Shell tanker protest. HOWEVER, there is a SERIES SPOILER at the end of this clip. So, if you're new to this show, please skip the video or at least skip everything past 1:30.. Or just watch this instead: Lucy Lawless Tanker Interview on TMZ.com. Please. I beg you!

 

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 10: "Hooves and Harlots"

This was definitely a favorite, evbody... The best advice I can give about knowing a favorite episode for what it is: It’s like falling in love. When you're in love, you don't sit there asking yourself, "Am I in love?" You just know. Same with favorite episodes. If you have to ask yourself if it is or isn't a fave, it's probably not.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS:

1) It’s obvious from Gabrielle’s outfit that they switched the previous episode and this episode in terms of order. Gabrielle wears Terreis’ skirt and necklace in “Death in Chains” (episode 9). Yet, at the beginning of “Hooves and Harlots” (episode 10), she’s wearing her old, original clothes.

2) Cool scene of Epinon and some other chick dressing Gabrielle in Terreis’ clothes.

3) X: “Something about me you find interesting?” Ephiny: “Yes.” X: “Wanna tell me?” Ephiny: “No.” X: “Then stop staring at me, before I take your eyes out.” – What’s Ephiny’s deal?

4) X: “You’re going to get your people killed. I fought the Centaurs; I know what they can do.” Melosa: “The famous battle of Corinth - yes, we’ve heard of it. And we’ve heard of you, Xena. To some of us, you’re a hero. A true Amazon at the head of the mightiest army the world has known.” – Just another example of Xena’s vast past. EVERYone knows who she is.

5) Ephiny: “Come, now.” G: “I’m sorry, you must have me mistaken for a pet.” E: “Would you come with me?” – Hahaah!

6) Tyldus: “You killed a half of my Centaur army. My friends.” – love the way he says this.

7) X: “Don’t be stupid, Ephiny.” – And then, of course, Ephiny is stupid and shoots the arrow anyway. Love this story detail.

8) Ephiny: “That’s right. This is filled with raw hay stalks. Centaurs don’t eat hay.” X: “Actually, I was referring to the hoof prints. Centaurs carry their weight on their front hooves.” Ephiny: “That’s just as good.” – THAT… is FUNNY.

9) X: “What’s this?” G: “I’m an Amazon Princess?” X: “Great.” – Ha!

10) Melosa: “Gabrielle, do you wanna fight me to the death?” G: “Not really.” Ephiny: “You made the challenge, Gabrielle. You have to follow through. Choose your weapon. …Or choose your champion.” G: “Choose my champion? I pick Xena.” – This was awesome.

11) Melosa: “If you lose, you all die. You too, Ephiny.” – Damn girl!

12) X: “Don’t fight me to the death, Melosa. I need your help.” – Liked this line.

13) X: “No, it’s not yours; I took it from Krykus. He gave you yours, didn’t he?” – Love how she says this.

14) X: “Making war is simple; making peace is never easy. If it was, everyone would do it.” – Oh, Xena! What don’t you know?

15) Ephiny: “Now, I see why you ride the horse.” G: “Now, what’s that supposed to mean?” – Seriously, call me stupid, but I didn’t get it either.

16) G: “And, you can kill nasty little critters if you wanna lie down. Yeah.” - This made me laugh sooo hard. 

17) Loved the peaceful talks between enemies.

18) Loved Ephiny’s carelessly violent tour through the warlord’s camp. She kicks that guards ass into Krykus’ tent, then shrugs her shoulders at Xena.

19) So funny when Xena pushes Gabrielle out of the way before the chobo fight.

20) I was pumping my fist when the Centaurs and Amazons joined forces.

21) Gabrielle’s pretty good with her staff!

22) Loved the silent moment between Gabrielle and Ephiny when Gabrielle is informed she’s an Amazon princess.

23) So sweet that Gabrielle threw herself on top of Terreis.

24) Xena knows everything about the Amazons but isn’t one of them.

25) Ephiny (must’ve) told Queen Melosa that Gabrielle was given the right of caste, and Melosa has no qualms with this fact. Melosa trusts Ephiny completely.

26) The customary sound effect that goes with Xena putting any kind of pinch on anyone is spot-on.

27) Loved when Melosa smiles at Xena then Xena flips up onto that highrise.

28) I think I found a mistake. When Xena drops down out of that tree just before she winds up to kill Celano, she already has her sword in her hand, yet she never drew it. Then she puts it behind her and pretends to draw it from her scabbard, but it’s a side-shot so we see the trick. If she’d been shot from the front, which some of the scene is, it would have appeared that she pulled the sword from her scabbard. Even though the jig is up, this scene is AWEsome. I love how she easily kills him then looks annoyed.

29) Ephiny gives Gabrielle her staff that her mother gave her with the cumbersome bird head on it. [SERIES SPOILER] We see soon that this bird head mysteriously disappears from the staff (thank god). [END SPOILER] And what a nice moment between Ephiny and Gabrielle.

Now, is this Cher? Or Queen Melosa? 

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 09: "Death in Chains"

You guys, Death is a lady, and she's got a candle. Some people don't want to die, so they might attempt to imprison this woman and take the candle away from her. She's nothing without that candle, I tell you. Candles.

SPOILER: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] for said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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The most beautiful song from Death's favorite movie (or so I've heard), Sixteen Candles:

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 08: "Prometheus"

I've reached a new milestone. First, it was acquiring the box set, then it was building the website, now I've (drum roll) ...gotten all the way through disc 2. Only 52 more discs to go! In other news:

“Once, a long, long time ago, all people had four legs and two heads. And then the gods threw down thunderbolts, and split everyone into two. Each half then had two legs and one head. But the separation left both sides with a desperate yearning to be reunited. Because they each shared the same soul. And ever since then, all people spend their lives searching for the other half of their soul.” - Gabrielle

Gang, this ep was a good one. And this part was soOo beautiful - the whole moment: the music, Iolaus, Gabrielle’s face, the story. Ugh!!

SPOILER: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] for said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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 EXTRAS:

(1) Iolaus: “Hercules, I thought you cared about her.” Hercules: “I do care about her.” I: “Then let her strike the blow.” H: “Iolaus, I can’t. Just trust me.”

(2) H: “Well, sometimes in life, you go with your heart, not your head.” X: “What does that mean?” H: “That means, I can’t let you die, if I can do anything to stop it.” – Awww...

(3) I: “Do you believe that everyone has someone out there that shares a part of their soul?” H: “I know it.” – So sweet, yet he says this as he watches Gabrielle and Xena taking off together. If Hercules and Xena were the halves of the same soul, the search would’ve been over, and Xena and Hercules would’ve stayed together. Would they not?

(4) Xena laughs while kicking ass. She’s so evil.

(5) Even so early on, Xena was willing to die for everyone. [SERIES SPOILER] I plan to keep this in mind for the final two episodes. [END SPOILER]

(6) Luckily the sword fell on the rock Hercules held just right, enough to fly into Prometheus’ chains and cut them. Also, luckily that bird carrying Xena flew right over the place where Xena could fall into Hercules’ strong arms.

The legend of the sword and Arthur pulling it from the stone, just like Xena: 

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 07: "The Titans"

Good times! All kinds of interesting stuff happening in episode 7. Foremost is the first, technical, blatant piece of subtext that I've encountered. Everything else up 'til this point has been speculation (even though it's true).

SPOILER: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] for said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS: 

1) Yes, I think this could be the part where Xena realizes she has feelings for Gabrielle. Gabrielle's had feelings for Xena since "Sins of the Past;" she just hasn’t named them yet.

2) G: “What’s the matter?” X: “Nothing, I just-” G: “-Thought I did something without thinking?” X: “Well, if you did, it’s none of my business.” G: “Yeah, that’s right; it isn’t!” - If a friend of mine acted this way, I might wonder about his or her feelings.

3) Philius: “She’s gone!” X: “She must be trying to prove herself to me.” Dude: “It’s ready.” X: “Good. If the titans caught her, we could be facing thousands by now. On the bright side, if anyone can stall, it’s Gabrielle.” – Xena is so confident about this. It's great. 

4) Hyperion: “It’s the right chant! If said correctly by a virgin, it should release the other titans!” G: “Well, there’s your problem. I’m not a virgin anymore.” Hyperion: “You little harlot.” – I'll admit; this scared even me. And how funny that Hyperion calls Gabrielle a harlot.

5) X: “There’s a piece missing!” G: “'There’s a piece-'…” - Ha!

6) X to G: “Look, the point is, we’re friends, and we shouldn’t let things like that come between us.”

7) X: “Why did you risk your life by going into that cavern alone?” G: “I wanted to make up for what I did, so that you wouldn’t hate me.” X: “For your information, I could never hate you. Your heart’s always in the right place.” – Awww…

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 06: "The Reckoning"

What up, G's? I didn't quite manage to fit this review into a single template as before, which is what I hope to achieve with every review. It doesn't mean I love it any more/less! In this blog's episode, Xena and Ares have a few private chats about her future.

 

SPOILER: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] for said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS:

(1) “That hooded assassin who did do it, he fights as well as I do, maybe better. He’s strong and fast, and then he just disappeared.” – Xena talking about Ares.

(2) Gabrielle: “Nobody here cares that she didn't kill anyone. Nobody cares that she was only trying to help! Nobody believes that she fought the real murderer! All you care about is executing someone! I'd've run away, too. So would you.” – It was like watching A Few Good Men; I was engrossed.  

(3) “You’re irresistible. But I suppose you already know that.” – Xena to Ares. I love that she says this, because it’s true. He’s a god!

(4) Xena: “That was a pretty dumb thing you did back there.” Gabrielle: “Well, you would’ve done the same for me.” X: “That's different.” G: “Why? Because you're a warrior? Yeah, well, normal people like me take chances to save their best friends, too, you know.”

(5) Xena: “I need you to leave me alone for a while.” Gabrielle: “Okay.” X: “I didn’t mean that like it sounded. I’m glad you came back.” – This was the sweetest part in the whole episode.

(6) I love it when Ares commends Xena, even for acts committed against him.

Radiohead's "Reckoner." One of their best. Look out, it's srsly beautiful: 

 
Revised Calendar:

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 05: "The Path Not Taken"

Hey, gang! Here's the review. To my utter surprise, this is the first time there are no extras (right?). Here be a little lyin', a little kissin', and some bad acting. 

SPOILER: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] for said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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Bill Murray Scarlett Johansson-whispers:

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 04: "Cradle of Hope"

Alright, this episode's got it all. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll soil yourself. Well, probably not the last two, but you'll definitely laugh or my name ain't Wanda Tate. The ladies find a baby, all hope is nearly lost and Xena turns everybody on while dancing undercover.

SPOILER: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] for said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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With "Cradle of Hope" under my belt, I'm reminded of the handful of episodes that I "managed" to capture on VHS in 1995/1996. This is one such episode. There are a few others that I recall making the cut: "A Solstice Carol" and all the Callisto episodes. As I continue to watch, I might remember others. I’m lucky enough to have forgotten what happens in these eps, so's I can watch as if seeing them for the first time.

EXTRAS: 

1) “Don’t be alarmed. If I wanted to kill you, you’d be dead already.” - Classic Xena. She's already said this a couple of times, but it must be noted somewhere. Why not here, I say?

2) The look on Gabrielle’s face when she throws the baby to Xena, Xena’s face after she dives to catch it, Gabrielle’s again as she eyes Xena on the ground with the baby and Xena rolling her eyes in resolution. The timing and substance of this sequence is extremely gratifying.

3) I love Xena's mad romp near the end as she frantically looks for Gabrielle and Pandora with the opening box in her arms, the slow-motion shot of Xena rushing the opening box to Pandora’s hand. I love that Xena buys into the myth, takes it seriously, actually fears the outcome.

4) With Xena's dancing scene, something new. It shows that she's a master of subterfuge, can do anything, be anyone. She's the ultimate virtuoso. She even appears to be "in the zone" for a moment there.

5) I can’t believe I watched all this stuff with the dancers being brought to soldiers' rooms and shit like that. That’s pretty hard-core, and yet I didn’t think about it too much as a teen.

Revised Calendar

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 03: "Dreamworker"

"Dreamworker"

 
Here's the season 1, episode 03 review. Enjoy it; I sure did. It's my favorite episode thus far.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the entire series by posting "series spoiler" for said item number. Please don't read the review, unless you have seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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Neo. He's The One:

There is so much in this episode worth quoting. Instead of posting the "extras," I should just copy and paste the entire script. Watch this ep and tell me you don't feel the same way. If you do feel the same way, say nothing. Otherwise, read on, because I've decided to stay true to form and include the extras section as planned. 

EXTRAS:

1) Storekeeper: "Owe me? After taking away the fear of the mystics? After making this valley a safe place to raise a family?.. Ten percent off everything." – So funny. Keep your 10%, tight asses!

2) Xena: "All right. The rules of survival. Number one. If you can run, run. Number two. If you can’t run surrender, and then run. Number three. If you’re outnumbered, let them fight each other, while you run. Number four." Gabrielle: “Wait. More running?” X: “No. Four is where you talk your way out of it, and I know you can do that. It’s wisdom before weapons, Gabrielle. The moment you pick up a sword, you become a target. And the moment you kill..” G: “The moment you kill, what?” X: “Everything changes. Everything.” – [SERIES SPOILER] lots of invaluable info at the beginning. Pretty much a MAJOR ruling factor over both their lives throughout the first half of the series summed up in these few lines. [END SPOILER]

3) “Remember this is your dream passage. Gods be with you.” – Sir Elkton John. Words to live by.

4) Gabrielle: “I’ve already been through one of their challenges. And there were two of them. I did what you said. They killed each other. Does that count?” Xena: “If it did, you’d be on your honeymoon by now.”

5) Evil Xena: "No, no, my sister. You can’t leave. You still haven’t found the key. You take for granted all your gifts and talents - me. Everything you are today came from me. Every spark of noble quality that made you a great leader - me. The strength that made men tremble at your name, it all came from me! You understand?" Xena: “I understand. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t exist. Whether I like it or not, you’re the key… You’re the key. There’s only one way out of this Dreamscape - you!" – This is amazing that she figures this out (and by accident, it seems), that it is literally her dark side that will save Gabrielle.

6) Xena: “See how calm the surface of the water is. That was me once. And then (she throws a rock into the water) the water ripples and churns; that’s what I became.” Gabrielle: “But if we sit here long enough it will go back to being still again. It will go back to being calm." X: "But the stone’s still under there. It’s now part of the lake. It might look as it did before, but it’s forever changed. Come on let’s go.” - God, pleeease let there be more of this in the future. I love this show.

7) Highwayman: "Oh, we’re but poor men trying to scrape an existence in this evil world. Every now and then we ask for a little something from travelers like your horse, your gold, or any jewelry you might be carrying. And I think I’ll have that fancy sword of yours, too. Now all things considered, I think a surrender would be a good start.” Xena: “I accept. Gabrielle, take their weapons.” - This made me laugh really hard, especially Gabrielle's expression.

8) Awesome the way Xena throws that storekeeper up against the wall with her arms crossed in an X. Their whole exchange is captivating.

9) Love how Elkton tells Xena, “It would take you months (then he feels her strong arm) days to fight your way in."

10) Evil Xena: "Oh. Well, let me ask you this. Back then, didn’t it feel right? Everything we did felt right. It felt good." – Love the way she says this line.

11) Awesome shot of Gabrielle picking up the sword at the end. Pretty sure that scene is canonized in the Xena intro.

12) The guy Gabrielle is forced to fight at the end is cute like a teddy bear.

13) Lucy Lawless looks good and like a totally different person with dark eyes.

14) Elkton: "It’s no good! It, it, it’s hidden in the mountains, and well protected by an army of warriors. It would take you months, days to fight your way in. By then, your friend will be dead. Unless.. unless you’re the one! In a dream vision, I saw a warrior who could travel the dream passage and defeat Morpheus! You must be the one! A woman with a dark past, strong and brave." Xena: "I’m the one." – I can't stress enough how awesome this is to watch.

15) I get the chills every time I hear the battle cry for the first time in each episode.

16) These early times of Xena saying Gabrielle’s name: you can hear her New Zealand accent. I know she works this out later so that it sounds more American, and it ends up being the sexiest way anyone’s ever said the name “Gabrielle” before in their lives. Listen for it. Seriously. She draws it out like no other, like every vowel is an adventure.

17) Cool when Manus offers his neck to Gabrielle. Makes me like him.

18) Xena's evil doppelganger tries to touch her face; she turns away from the hand. I believe that’s what would really happen.

19) We see the first person that Xena killed (in Amphipolis). She said he killed friends of hers and people she grew up with.

Elkton screams just like Doc at 2:14:

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 02: "Chariots of War"

"Chariots of War"

Alright. Bringing it back with season 1 episode 02!!

In other news, this week is killing me softly.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the entire series by posting "series spoiler" for said item number. Please don't read the review, unless you have seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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I can't seem to get these reviews under control yet, so for the time being please roll with me, Henry. I'm going to keep this section around for a little while. Let's call it:

EXTRAS:

1) Gabrielle says this really beautiful thing, then Xena says this really hilarious thing. G: “So Zues in his appreciation turned the two lovers into oak trees. And then do you know what happened?” Xena: “Somebody built a boat out of them?” G: “No, their branches intertwined. They spent the rest of their days in each others’ embrace.” X: “What’s the point?” G: “C’mon, Xena. I believe everyone will find their tree in the forest some day. Even you.” X: “I find the strongest trees in the forest stand alone.” G: “You don’t have to be strong all the time, Xena. Sometimes it’s good for the soul to be soft.”

Later, Gabrielle says, “I think I found my tree in the forest. He was cute in a rugged outdoorsy kind of way.” Then it’s obvious that Darius is sort of supposed to be Xena’s tree in the forest. But then at the end... is the writer saying that Xena and Gabrielle are each other's trees? I almost noted it in the subtext section, but it's just vague enough to have missed it.

2) Not only is Xena dangerous; she’s fast ...even though Gabrielle is the first one of the series to kiss someone. Who saw that coming? Not this bitch.

3) We see another scar-crossed villain in Cycnus.

4) Cycnus' henchman is pretty hot.

5) Another episode again where Ares is mentioned.

6) That kid with the straight, blond hair in a bowl-cut reminds me of the eldest child in the movie Overboard. Travis, I believe his name was.

7) Ironically, the guy who looks like a whirling dervish sucks.

8) I was annoyed for Xena when Darius hid her weapons.

9) Xena likes Darius’ kids. This is already in stark contrast to the Xena in Hercules.

10) Again, I love Xena's dismount off of Argo.

11) What would this village have done without Xena?

12) “Are you so brave that you fear someone caring for you?” – Darius

13) “I’m not very good at this horse thing.” – Gabrielle

14) This entire back and forth is nothing but genius.
Gabrielle: Xena, I’m going to fall! Hurry!
Xena: Hold on, I’m coming... Jump!
G: Are you crazy?
X: Jump!
G: If I die, I’ll never talk to you again.
X: Jump Gabrielle, come on. (she jumps) You call that a jump?
G: No, it was a frantic leap. Best I could do.
X: Hold the reins. (Xena fights with the chariot beside them) I’ve lost my chakram!
G: Is that supposed to be funny? (sees her lover) You? That’s your overbearing father?
Sphaerus: Stay out of my way!
X: Don’t tell me that’s him.
G: Afraid so.
X: Remind me to talk to you someday about your taste in men.

15) Gabrielle: "My mother always wanted me to get married and have kids. And I remember telling her that I’d always be grateful for the way she’d raised me. But she couldn’t expect me to pay for that with my future." Sphaerus: "That’s insightful" (I agree.) Gabrielle: "It’s a gift. Anyway, I came to the point in my life when I had to make a choice. And I thought about who I really was. And I made it." Very good.

16) Gabrielle: "You trouble? Hah, that’s a surprise. You couldn’t send a messenger? I was worried sick." Xena: "I’m sorry." G: "Did you just apologize?" – Ha! Kind of funny!

My fave Whit Houston song. RIP:

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 01: "Sins of the Past"

"Sins of the Past"

Alright. It's officially the first review of Xena: Warrior Princess!

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] for said item and [SERIES SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you have seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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Just a.. f-few notes: Usually (hopefully) I won’t take this many notes, but there were many "firsts" and a lot of background information involved. It’s the introductory episode, after all. It sets the tone for the entire series!

1) "I love this show!" - Me, several times out loud. 

2) “Draco? Okay, now he’s a scary guy, and I understand why you’re upset, but let me throw some logic at you.” – Gabrielle

3) Gabrielle: “Hey Xena?” Xena: “What?” G: “I could probably get up there behind you.” X: “What are you talking about?” – Ha!

4) Xena and Gabrielle's age gap: When Xena first began and I started watching in 1995, I thought the characters of Gabrielle and Xena were about the same age. (Technically, that line of thinking isn't too outlandish, because Lucy Lawless [Xena] and Renee O'Connor [Gabrielle] are only three years apart.) However, now that I think about it (I totally didn’t consider this in 2009), there's a considerable age gap between Xena and Gabrielle.

Age - Let's break it down: Gabrielle is betrothed. In ancient times, Greek girls married anywhere from the beginning of puberty to 15-16 years of age. (I’ve even heard up to 18, but Gabrielle doesn’t look 18.) Let’s say Gabrielle is 16. [SERIES SPOILER] Xena has already been around long enough to lead a village war, build an army, get her legs broken by Caeser, allow her legs time to heal, stay with Lao Ma for a while, turn evil, raise another army, become part of the Valkyrie, live with the Amazons for a spell, and build a murderous reputation all over the world. [END SPOILER] I know I'm leaving out a few things, but I think it's a safe bet that Xena’s in her mid-20s (24-26), if not her late 20s (27-29). It wouldn’t be extreme to say that the characters are about 10 years apart in age or that Xena is at least a third older than Gabrielle. This idea adds new intensity to their dynamic for me. It says so much more about Xena, especially.

5) You know you give up a piece of yourself when people start fighting on top of other people and you say, "Alright." Don’t forget, Crocodile Dundee walked on people’s heads, too:

6) In this episode, we get a good look at Lucy Lawless’ dazzling blue eyes. I was telling a friend about Xena not long ago. She was familiar with it, but had never delved into it. She asked about LL and I mentioned her eyes. My friend said, “What color are her eyes?” and I looked at her like she was a stranger. I thought everyone knew her eye color. She’s famous for it!

7) Sometimes a fighting maneuver is so good, I laugh.

8) The opening shot of this first episode is beautiful. It looks like a camera trick, but I think they shot it true. And the first scene of Xena riding her horse is dreamlike as she gallops across the countryside through thick fog. It’s beautiful. That shot alone foreshadows the amazing character we're all about to love.

9) Cool shot of Xena riding toward a rainbow – HOOo!

10) Some people complain about the picture quality of the first season. I think it’s quite nice. The grain is large, but the color is accurate. And of course, it’s in 4:3 format. I’ve heard that it was 4:3 to start and then widescreen in later episodes, which is reportedly preserved in the box set. We’ll see.

11) The gentleman who gives Gabrielle a ride to Amphipolis, Xena’s hometown, tells Gabrielle that he knew Oedipus. This would put the setting somewhere within 5th century BC. [SERIES SPOILER] We all know that Xena jumps all over the place, time-wise. Why, technically, at this point, Xena's already had a fling with Ceaser, who lived in 1st Century BC. [END SPOILER]

12) Renee O’Connor (ROC) is already so good as Gabrielle. She’s so beautiful, which should always be a given, as I don’t want to sound redundant. I love that Xena (and the audience) already sees how good Gabrielle is from her first words, “Take me. Let the others go."

13) Part of Xena’s flashback at the beginning, when she comes upon a village she destroyed, didn’t happen in Hercules. It was made brand new just for the flashback and is also used in the intro. You can tell, because she wears her new armor. This is the shot of her sitting atop Argo with a leer on her face while the village burns behind her.

14) Somewhat touching sequence where Cyrene disowns Xena and then holds her at the end. No one gets to you more than your parents.

15) That double karate chop to that guy’s neck on the horse: I tried that move on my younger brother once after I originally saw this episode, and it really hurt him.

16) Gabrielle saves Xena from stoning by the Amphipolitans through reasoning, but I mean, if Xena really wanted to save her own life here, she could’ve. For the episode's purposes, though, Gabrielle saves Xena's life (but not really). It looks like Gabrielle helps out again by tripping that one henchman who rushes to save Draco from falling.

17) Xena rides into Amphipolis in only her black leathers - no armor. Wow.

18) [SERIES SPOILER] After Gabrielle switches from this concealing outfit to her later ones, she never again has a covered mid-section. [END SPOILER]

19) Xena has a headband on in this episode. This only happens, like, once more and then they nix her headbands altogether, which is a good thing I think. The less headgear she has in the way of fashion, the more I believe her. And, ironically, I think less headgear makes her more womanly. She doesn’t need it, plus Xena is all about traveling light.

20) I’ve never really given a shit about Xena’s sword. She doesn’t seem to hold any sort of attachment to it, other than it’s a weapon, but I think I kind of like it now. I love that it’s so worn-looking, like she’s sharpened it a thousand times. The gems in it are awesome, the hilt is cool-looking, the pommel - large and in charge. It’s just a plain old sweet-ass sword.

21) I’ve never liked Xena’s footwear. Can I get an amen? But then again, they’re just ancient boots; they serve their purpose. It would’ve been so insulting if they were like high-heeled boots or something.

22) Love how they mix Joseph LoDuca’s singing women with the women working and chanting in the field.

23) Sort of always loved Darien Takle as Cyrene. I can believe that she and Xena are related; they kind of favor each other. Cyrene’s a good-lookin’ woman.

24) Love the part where Xena disarms Hector by flinging his sword up into a tree branch.

25) When my best friend, Luscious L, decided to try to give this show a shot, the first thing she mentioned was how annoying the “blond girl” was. That made me laugh so hard. [SERIES SPOILER] I told Luscious that Gabrielle’s referred to as "the annoying blond" sseeeeveral times throughout the series. [END SPOILER] I love that she’s annoying. I think it’s endearing and that that was the point: to pair Xena, who hardly speaks, with someone so full of life that she’s about to explode.

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Xena: Season 1 Box Set Detail

Pics of Season 1 DVDs and casing. 

I've never liked that DVD producers put pictures of stuff that happens on the casing and in the interactive menu, because what if you've never seen the god damn show before? I personally don't like for anything - TV show, movie, or play - to be revealed or spoiled in any way before I've seen it. I like to go into it completely blind. In this case, I've already seen the whole show, so it doesn't bother me so much. I just feel bad for all the newbies. If you're new to this show, don't look at this, all right? Get out of here.

The front.

The back.

The discs inside all feature the same picture, except for the Extras CD to the right.

Inside (left) without discs.

Inside (right) without discs.
I really love all these pictures, but again, one of these scenes is particularly critical to Season 1, I think. Such a shame for a person who's never seen the show to see that image without experiencing the episode first.

The back completely folded out.

Xena: Season 0 Summary

Self-explanatory. Doesn't really show us much, but it will when we get into lengthier seasons!

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Put that in your pipe and smoke it. See you soon!

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Xena: Season 0, Episode 03 (Hercules): "Unchained Heart"

"Unchained Heart"

Badda-bing, Badda-

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] for said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you have seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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A note, if I may, about seeing Xena's fight scene at the beginning of this episode: I remembered being a teenager and being upset or let down every time there was an episode with no fight scene. As I recall, Xena eps without fights are rare, so, with that in mind, there are sooo many fight scenes in Xena. So far, every one that I've seen has been a masterpiece in timing and originality.

Stuff that barely missed the cut:

1) This was sweet. Iolaus: "You're Hercules?!" Hercules: “Yes, I am. And you are?” I: “They call me Iolaus.” H: “You’re Iolaus.” I: “Yeah, last time I checked.” Nicely done. I felt the love!

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Xena: Season 0, Episode 02 (Hercules): "The Gauntlet"

"The Gauntlet"

BOOM.

A quick note about SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before each item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you have seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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Tina Turner in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome:

Notable items that didn't make the cut: 

1) “I’m his best friend. We’re like this (crosses fingers).. Well not like that. Kinda- kinda like thi- ki –it’s platonic –it –We’re like that (claps straight hands together).” – Salmoneus to Xena about Hercules

2) “We are warriors, not barbarians.” – Xena

3) That part at the end where Spiros finds out that Xena saved his son: very touching.

4) “You killed women and children?” Interesting that Xena says this to Darphus, because she is a woman, obviously. It was just a nice juxtaposition. Then she says to him, “You’re a butcher.” Nice touch.

5) Hercules defeats Xena? Maybe for now. [SERIES SPOILER] Knowing what I know following the end of the series, that would never happen. [END SPOILER] 

6) Believable when Xena kills Darphus. She takes quick, shallow breaths. I believe she came very close to getting killed... though we all know it was never that close.

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Xena: Season 0, Episode 01 (Hercules): "The Warrior Princess"

"The Warrior Princess"

Before I jump into this first review, there are a few things I want to go over. 

ON THE SUBJECT OF SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! They're full of current episode spoilers and sometimes series spoilers.

• Current Episode Spoilers: Though you probably know it, I'll just say it: If you're reading an episode review, of course I will spoil the entire episode under discussion. It's a review! 

• Series Spoilers: I'll note when I'm about to spoil anything in the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] following each item. A series spoiler is anything that happens following the episode you're currently reading.

Please don't read an episode's review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or you want it to be spoiled.

QUALITY: If you're familiar with Xena and/or Hercules, you know there's "stuff" you have to accept before you can love the series. A lot of aesthetic aspects suffered due to the low budget of both shows (well, I'm guessing it's because of low budget.)

1) The actors aren't always great.
2) The special effects are of the early variety (i.e. they often look fake and stilted).
3) The accents are either American or Kiwi (not that that matters to me).
4) The dialogue isn't always solid.
5) The story isn't always seamless and continuity-based.
6) The wigs aren't always believable. Like, at all.

With these precursors in place, I won't always point out when something feels inauthentic or unfinished (though I'll try). Both Hercules and Xena are peppered with these points, which is part of the fun!

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Isn't it beautiful? I love it so much! Thank you.. thank you. Hold your applause, please, your thanks is enough.

Now, I'm going to elaborate on some things. This is the very first episode and my first review, after all, so take-off is shaky.

1) I thought that I could take notes throughout the episode and then easily transfer them to the template afterward. I realize, now, that not only is that highly inefficient, it does the series and myself a serious disservice, as I'm not able to watch/enjoy the show as I should, if I'm worried about taking notes. So, I've revised my method.

1. I'm going to watch the whole episode once, fully and completely with devotion and without taking a single note.
2. Then I'll play the ep again and take notes, and play it a third time while I prepare the review.
3. That means I'll have played each Xena episode three times (with at least one viewing having my undivided attention) before this roller coaster comes to a stop.

2) I find it, uh, very hard... to stop myself from rewinding repeatedly during each episode, particularly during fight scenes. This is done out of pure appreciation of the stunts and choreography. It can not be helped. The only thing that can stop me is a broken remote control. I also like to review stuff in slow motion. All of this makes the episode about 15 minutes longer than necessary. I try to restrain myself during the first viewing as much as possible. Sometimes I'm successful; sometimes I'm not.

3) Hercules says this to his mother: “It’s just that I don’t get to see much of Iolaus, except when we’re in life and death situations. I was hoping we could do something more normal this time, you know? Like, hunt, fish. Whatever. Talk.” This was too big to fit into the "Quotes" section, but it's pretty cute, so here.

4) Speaking of mistakes, when the town is trying to appeal to Hercules to stand up to Xena, someone says, “Don’t go, Hercules!” before he even makes a move to leave. ­

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