Xena: Warrior Princess: Series Wrap-up

Oh my god what am I about to do. What I mean is, welcome to my series sitsum, my lay report, my back door diddio, and hopefully not a twerpy little shmoop you'll soon forget. But seriously how does one summarize...a whole show... 

First, as a little pallet cleanser, I'd like to share that I watched "A Solstice Carol" on Christmas Day and oh how I cried, reader. It's the perfect, cute Xena episode. It's funny, sweet, poignant, hopeful, subtexty, and that ending. It's, in a word, adorable. I wonder if my tears owe to the fact this is the worst Xmas ever, or to this being the way Xena has settled into my body and this is just how it's gonna be now. 

Before I begin, and before I forget, I record into record that Xena: Warrior Princess – your favorite show and mine – stood Emmy-nominated for Seasons 2-5 in the music category alongside the big guns: The X-Files, The Simpsons, 24, The West Wing, and frickin' Star Trek: Voyager. It actually won in 2000 for Season 5's score to "Fallen Angel." It was nominated twice in one year for "The Bitter Suite" and somehow lost.

Now! We got the rank 'n' file of the series, one post back. I laid it out. I even memorized it. If you're "a friend in need" of a refresher, behold: 

1) Season 6

2) Season 4

3) Season 5

4) Season 3

5) Season 2

6) Season 1

Of course, I feel a little weird ranking the seasons, because I love them all and can't cherry-pick. Like there's no way I'd watch Season 2 without first watching Season 1 and so forth. One season begets the next. 

I can tell you this, right now: If you look online and ask fans how they rank all the seasons, if Season 6 is nowhere near the top, they're a lie. 

There is not a single bad season of Xena. There are a handful of less than desirable episodes, but…I just ranked every single episode of Xena and there are only five or six episodes I don't like*. (Five or six eps I'd skip, *if I had the remote in my hand and didn't have to get up.) Literally, I get joy out of the 129 other nugs. 

At the only XenaCon I ever made it to, I heard Lucy Lawless say this one thing. I had it written down verbatim, but for some reason I can't find it right now. I think the audience was asking questions of Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor about character development on the show. It was an intricate conversation and then Lucy Lawless said something like, "Did it ever occur to you that the show is about the growth of Gabrielle?"

Hearing this changed everything about the way I viewed Xena: Warrior Princess. The show is totally about the progress of Gabrielle. I don't know if the creators originally planned that, but that's exactly what the show's about from beginning to end, literally from beginning to end. 

Like here's Gabrielle in the very first episode compared to Gabrielle in the very last episode.

Gabrielle in "Sins of the Past"

Gabrielle in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

My apologies for the shabby photos. I had to take them with my phone from the discs, if you wanna let this be your quality guide. (By the way, I think the last image is the most gorgeous shot of "A Friend in Need." I think about it all the time. The way that light shines off the very middle of that katana. Mm.)

I could lay-out pics next to each other of Gabrielle's various outfits all day long. I kind of wish the last episode centered her usually bare mid-riff, because that would be more striking and accurate next to Potidaea Gabrielle. She's usually never covered-up; yet another reason to find fault with the finale.

In the sense that the show's about Gabrielle, it could theoretically be called Gabrielle: The Battling Bard of Potidaea. BUT, the show is sneaky as Xena: Warrior Princess; the title secretly beholds Gabrielle, because she wrote the show scrolls! Xena is Gabrielle's book.

Xena, for her part, still wears her original outfit in the final episode of the show (amongst various temporary costume changes in the last episode). 

Xena in "Sins of the Past"

Xena in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

Sure, she lost the hair wreath, but other than that...Xena changed morally, Gabrielle morphed.

Look at how Xena and Gabrielle's relationship evolved, though, mon chéri.

Gabrielle trying to convince Xena to take her with her in "Sins of the Past"

Xena begrudgingly giving Gabrielle a ride in "Sins of the Past"

Xena hungrily chatting-up Gabrielle in "A Friend in Need, Part I"

Xena watching Gabrielle get her back done so Gabrielle can save her life in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

Xena taking Gabrielle with her in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

I would say Gabrielle's little plan worked, wouldn't you? Gabrielle is the most powerful and influential person in the world and should be on the cover of Time.

Instead of talking a lot about the whole show and recapping what happened, I'm just gonna lay-out a bunch of stats. I will say this though, for my big thing this post: 

This is my favorite show in the world. I couldn’t tell you what specifically about it makes it my favorite show. The only thing I can solidly point to is that it’s just so much damn fun to watch. It covers eeeeverthing that has ever interested me. It’s funny, it’s sad, it's full of women, it's got swords, it's romantic, violent, creative, it’s sooo interesting. They literally made-up a fake mythological character on par with Hercules. They so successfully did this, that Xena has as much notoriety than an actual Greek god, and I would bet 1,000 dinars a number of people actually believe Xena was in the history books, like Athena and Zeus.

Now. I'm gonna throw the math at you. Can you handle it? Can you? Handle it?

I figured I'd give each season a nonsensical slogan, why not.

Season 1: Welcome to the jungle, baby! You're gonna diieeeeeeeeeyyyya!

Season 2: Mass hysteria. Dogs and cats, living together.

Season 3: Thine rakefire doth stepeth to me? 'Tis my turn.

Season 4: Death to Smoochie.

Season 5: Ah, but one cannot survive on chakram throws alone. 

Season 6: The lady in red.

Get a load of this. Here's the breakdown of episodes and their star-counts per my rating system:

# of 10-star episodes: 1
# of 9-star episodes: 3
# of 8-star episodes: 25
# of 7-star episodes: 38
# of 6-star episodes: 40
# of 5-star episodes: 20
# of 4-star episodes: 4
# of 3-star episodes: 2
# of 2-star episodes: 1
# of 1-star episodes: 0

I favorited 75 Xena episodes total.

• Season 1 has 7 favorites
• Season 2 has 12 favorites
• Season 3 has 13 favorites
• Season 4 has 14 favorites
• Season 5 has 12 favorites
• Season 6 has 17 favorites

Breakdown of which seasons had the most of each star-rating:

The most 10-star episodes: Season 6
The most 9-star episodes: Season 6
The most 8-star episodes: Season 3
The most 7-star episodes: Tie between Season 2 and Season 5 with nine 7-star eps apiece
The most 6-star episodes: Season 1
The most 5-star episodes: Season 1
The most 4-star episodes: Season 5
The most 3-star episodes: Tie between Season 3 and Season 5 with one 3-star ep apiece
The most 2-star episodes: Season 5

The most 1-star episodes: Every episode of Hercules

Sum of stars per season. (Look at Season 5 here, god damn. I didn't realize this.):

Season 1: 146 total stars (Remember, it has two extra episodes)
Season 2: 141 total stars
Season 3: 144 total stars
Season 4: 143 total stars
Season 5: 138 total stars
Season 6: 155 total stars

Average stars per episode each season:

Season 1: 6.08
Season 2: 6.41
Season 3: 6.54
Season 4: 6.50
Season 5: 6.27
Season 6: 7.05

Ok, after these last two stats, I clearly need to reexamine Season 3. Maybe it should rank ahead of Season 5 in my life. Maybe even be ahead of Season 4, shit.  

Dramas per season:

Season 1: 14

Season 2: 12

Season 3: 10

Season 4: 15

Season 5: 16

Season 6: 15

Comedies per season: 

Season 1: 1

Season 2: 7

Season 3: 6

Season 4: 7

Season 5: 5

Season 6: 4

Dramadies per season:

Season 1: 9

Season 2: 3

Season 3: 6

Season 4: None

Season 5: 1

Season 6: 3

Number of episodes that made me cry, per season:

Season 1: 1

Season 2: 1

Season 3: 2

Season 4: 6

Season 5: 6

Season 6: 6

And this is what separates the men from the boys. Also probably why I didn't rank Season 3 any higher than Season 4. It's the emotional return that does it for me. Also interesting that the last three seasons tied here. I had no awareness of this balance. 

As mentioned in my Season 6 summary, I wondered if there were any 7+ star reviews that went shunned by the favorite box. Indeed there are three: “Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire,” “Motherhood,” and “The Royal Couple of Thieves." These eps each wave 7 stars like a flag in heat, while their favorite boxes remain cold and barren. This is weird to me. When I rewatch, I'll dubsy check. Otherwise:

• All 8+ episodes are favorites. 
• Of the many 6-star episodes, only 11 are favorites. The other 29 fell short. 
• As previously pondered, there is nothing below 6 stars that got faved. 

Odds and ends:

• Shortest title: "Eve"
• Longest title: “Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards” (So long, I copied and pasted it. I typed-out "Eve.")
• Season 1 is the only season with 24 episodes. The rest have 22.
• There are two musical episodes in Xena.
• There is one dancing-themed episode.
• There are six legit clips episodes.
• None of the clips episodes got favorited. Not a conscious decision.

[I will add to this as I think of more fun stuff!]

Xena: Season 5, Outtakes

I live for these goofs. Seriously, they always put me in a good mood!

Xena: Season 5 Summary

A great metaphor for this episode is like ordering Chick-fil-A. You take a few bites, and it’s so fucking delicious, but then suddenly you receive a mildly important phone call that you have to take. The call is positive enough, but now your Chick-fil-A is getting cold.

Ironically, Season 5 has so many good episodes, but it is so stiff at times that I can’t in good conscience rank it #1. Yes, it yielded the greatest work but it also brought me the greatest pain.

But not "Fallen Angel," omgggg. Season 5 could have had "Fallen Angel" and then 21 shitty episodes, and I would still stan it hard because of "Fallen Angel" alone. What a gift to humanity.

Now is a good time to amplify Xena's only Emmy win, which was this season for Joseph LoDuca's score for "Fallen Angel." Xena was nominated for seven Emmys throughout the seasons, all in the music category. Some might consider noms of this kind to be lesser fare, but it's the frickin Emmys. The Emmys announced to the world for years that Xena: Warrior Princess was a real player to be reckoned with. And in the year 2000, against The X-Files, Star Trek: Voyager, Falcone, and Felicity, it won. 

Now, look. Here’s all the big shit that happened in Season 5, girl:

1. Xena and Gabrielle both become archangels and demons in heaven and hell respectively
2. Xena trades her soul to save Callisto
3. Xena and Gabrielle come back to life
4. Callisto impregnates Xena
5. Xena combines the light chakram with her dark chakram, making a splitting chakram
6. Gabrielle is now a warrior who kills using the sai
7. Ares takes an interest in Gabrielle
8. Xena’s western episode
9. Xena is very pregnant
10. Another musical episode
11. Argo gets little
12. Xena gives birth to Eve, who’s to bring the twilight of the gods, so all the gods want to kill her
13. Hercules kills Zeus who killed Hera
14. Athena shimmers into our lives, not unlike the shimmer in Annihilation
15. Joxer almost dies
16. Ares proclaims his love to Xena
17. The worst fucking episode of Xena, ever
18. Gabrielle gives Eve her Amazon rite of caste
19. Gabrielle tries to get Xena to settle down with her, seriously
20. Xena cheats on Gabrielle with Antony
21. Xena and Gabrielle fake their deaths, wake up 25 years later
22. Eve evolves into 25-year-old Livia, champion of Rome who hates her mother
23. Joxer dies
24. Xena and Gabrielle turn Livia back into Eve
25. Xena chakrams Gabrielle in the back of the head, pretty much killing her
26. Ares gives up his immortality to save Eve and Gabrielle
27. Xena kills several prominent Greek gods, including Athena, Hades, Hephaestus and Artemis

A loooooot of shit happened, as you can see. A lazy season, it was not.

Confusing is the death shit. Did Gabrielle die at the end of "Motherhood?" And if someone is OUT for 25 years and doesn’t age, is that like dying? I am going to just interpret it thusly, because I can’t put nothing about that 25-year-long "death." 

Series Death-count So Far...  

Xena: 3.5 (.5 for fake dying and skipping 25 years)
Gabrielle: 4.5 (Ditto w/the .5, and I think Gabrielle died at the end of Ep 22 with Eve.) 

QUALITY: I had to watch a couple of these episodes on Hulu and my god was the quality awful. The discs are far better, if you can keep it. I need to check if the aspect ratio changed this season, though I didn't notice anything.

RANK: It is true Season 5 turned-out many amazing episodes, but there’s no way I think of it as fondly and cohesively as I do Season 4, and that’s…not my fault.

Favorite Seasons Rank:

1) Season 4
2) Season 5
3) Season 3
4) Season 2
5) Season 1
6)

Season 5 should feel lucky it's ahead of Season 3, because Season 3 was truer to the story than Season 5. I should actually re-examine my notes and consider moving Season 3 ahead of Season 5. Might also remove the last episode from favorite. It can’t just be a favorite from the chakram-throws. Can it?

Favorites I’m questioning: Definitely the last episode, "Motherhood," episode 22. It’s got real good stuff, but because I love the episodes right before it, I feel a little blinded.

On the one hand, episode 22 has amazing chakram action, and Xena kills all those gods. On the other hand, when I ask myself if I would include it in a "Favorites Only" viewing, especially curated for others, I can’t muster the love. Then again, you can’t watch “Livia” and “Eve” without watching "Motherhood." Hmm. Like is it an episode I enjoy watching? Leaning toward changing it to a non-favorite.

Other episodes I’m questioning: “Succession.” I go back and forth with faving it. I did enjoy it. Let's break it down:

• My Season 4, 6-star favorites are “In Sickness and in Hell,” “A Tale of Two Muses,” and “Takes One to Know One.” Are those three better than “Succession?” YES, FUCK. 
• My only Season 3, 6-star favorite is “The Dirty Half Dozen,” and it, too, is more engrossing than “Succession.” 
• Similarly, my only Season 2, 6-star fave was “The Lost Mariner,” and I reviewed it 6.5 years ago, so I kind of can’t even remember it. 
• “A Fistful of Dinars” is my 6-star, Season 1 favorite, and it is very similar to “The Dirty Half Dozen,” so I know I loved that one, and it was better than “Succession.” 

I don’t think I’ve ever been so torn about an episode, but yes I'm afraid "Succession" ultimately falls short of a favorite.

SUBTEXT: The subtext rolled-out HARD at the beginning of the season, then became non-existent, going extra-absent in the last five god damn episodes. Here are some scraps the show tossed us:

1. Demon Xena openly wanted Archangel Gabrielle’s ass
2. Xena and Gabrielle came back to life and said they'd always be together
3. Gabrielle pretty much says she loves Xena’s darkness when Xena turns good for an ep
4. Ares makes Xena and Gabrielle into one person in “Succession”
5. Xena tells the doctor she can’t be pregnant cuz she hasn’t duped a guy in a long time
6. Xena fears telling Gabrielle about being mysteriously pregnant, why?
7. Gabrielle sees Xena's baby as her own
8. Xena and Gabrielle cut their palms, clasp hands, and squish their blood together
9. Gabrielle says to someone that a home can sometimes be a person (wonder who she means)
10. Xena tells Ares that Gabrielle is the father, and Ares says he would’ve paid to see that
11. Callisto is actually Eve’s father...
12. Xena expresses rage and jealousy at Ares a few times for coming-on to Gabrielle
13. Joxer actually asks Gabrielle point blank why she doesn’t love him, she answers “Why do people love the people they do?” She’s clearly talking about Xena
14. Athena knows Gabrielle is Xena’s weak spot
15. Gabrielle threatens Ares while trying to stop him from taking advantage of Xena sexually. Later, Ares pleads with Xena to “leave (Gabrielle)”
16. The whole episode “Kindred Spirits” is literally about Xena and Gabrielle settling down together. It’s chock-full of subtext. And maintext. Xena and Gabrielle even break up
17. Xena tells Gabrielle that Eve's “our daughter”

Xena unfortunately kisses two guys this season: Ares and Antony. She kisses Ares several times and almost fucks him a couple times. Gabrielle kisses Joxer a few times. She almost kisses Lin Qi. Don’t think I forgot. Pathetic and lame. Xena and Gabrielle were TO. GETH. ER. at the beginning of this season, I’d maintain all the way up until the big whopper “Kindred Spirits." But after that, they’re so cold and distant to each other that Xena actually splits-open Gabrielle’s skull.

I definitely liked Season 5 better this time around than I did the first. The first time I watched Season 5, I didn’t realize the show would get better in Season 6. I just saw Xena declining in Season 5 and knew Season 6 was the last season, so therefore Season 6 probably was going to be frosty and off-putting as well. Now that I knew what happened in Season 6, I was able to relax this time and fully enjoy what Season 5 had to offer. There was so much good shit. Really. It gave us the best Xena episode so far, but also the worst. I now see where it went wrong, episode by episode, and can cherry-pick the amazing eps.

And Season 6? Maaaan, you don’t even KNOW. So just, get of my lawn, bitches. Just…prepare your bods for the sheer ecstasy about to bespill you.

βλέπω! Another stunning, if not a bit frigid and dickish, season of Xena: Warrior Princess:

Xena: Season 5, Episode 11: "Punch Lines"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 
“The Pie Fight Episode”

This was fucking hilarious. Let’s just face it; this whole episode exists just to showcase the little horse. SO cute. I wonder what everyone on set thought of it. They must’ve been shitting their pants. Also, I feel like this episode is me right now, except instead of a friend of mine having a baby, we have trump and I’m so worried about it, I'm neglecting the shit out of my inner child.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

 CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA NOTES:

1) The whistle Xena does to summon Argo. Funny thing: my coworkers and I just taught ourselves last week to do whistle with our fingers. I can do it with one hand now, just like Xena. I think of her every time I do it.

2) The blackberries were so fucking sour, holy shit. I had to stop. 

3) The everlasting whirr of the chakram after Xena knocks the pie loose was a nice touch. I didn’t even realize it was still making a noise, until she finally caught it.

4) Aphrodite mentions chocolate and white chocolate. Just an FYI (and something I learned just this year) the chocolate plant originated in Central America and wasn’t known to Europe, until like maybe the 15th century.  

5) Joxer summons his first god.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "It doesn't take a genius to wash a horse." X: "Well, it'll come in handy for all those back rubs you're gonna give me. [Chuckles. Turns to J] Come on, dummy."

2) G: "Did you hear that? Xena telling me how to bathe you. What do I add, water? She must think I'm like Joxer or something. Xena doesn't do any cleaning. Have you smelled her feet, lately? Good girl. [Argo shrinks] What happened to you?" – I can't convey how delighted I was, here. Twas a pleasant surprise. I completely forgot this episode existed.

3) Aphrodite: "So, you shrunk her horse! Big deal! Everybody shrinks as they get older. That's why old people are so short." G: "Now, that's very constructive. What are you writing?" Aphrodite: "'Patient is hostile and insecure possibly masking some latent tendencies.'" – Is this gay? I can’t tell anymore.

4) G: "'Latent tendencies?' Where did you learn to talk like that?" Aphrodite: "Honey, don't let the blonde hair fool you. Although bombastic forms of circumlocution should be generally avoided one mustn't shy away from big words in the right context." G: "What?" Aphrodite: "Nothing. Please continue." – Hahahahaha!

5) G: "This isn't my horse. It's Xena's. You've heard of her, right? She's killed thousands of men, and with the mood she's in right now, she will not think this is funny." – For reasons I’d like to not disclose, this is the greatest line.

6) X: "Oh, Gabrielle never told you about King Gregor's child, huh. Look, I may not be nanny material, but you try babysitting through a sword fight."

7) Aphrodite: "So, let me ask you this: isn't all this storytelling an awful lot like writing?" G: "It's similar but with writing it's like talking to yourself. It's a way that you can work things out. Of course I know, now, exactly who I am." – I’m always looking for good writing advice. This is Gabrielle’s. Also this is gay.

8) G: "How was your meal?" X: "A little too much salt." – The way she says this is fucking hilarious.

9) G: "Uh, unfortunately, there's been a slight delay, Xena. You you're never gonna guess why." Joxer: "Let me. First, you got your nails done. Then you went to your ballet lesson." – Just keeping track of all of Joxer’s sexist remarks. Not his fault! But sexist nonetheless.

10) X: "Bag of wheat, bag of wheat. Ooh, lookie there, the last one on the shelf." Blutos: "So you thought you got rid of me, huh? Well better luck next time." X: "Luck has nothing to do with it." [Xena throttles Blutos, takes wheat] Joxer: "Nice save!" X: "And, it's on special, huh?" Man's Voice: "Clean up on aisle seven." – Love her face when she says it’s on special.

11) Joxer: "Oh, sure that kid of yours is gonna encounter a host of problems. Let's see, uh, pestilence, disease, foot rot, misery, but you know what, Xena? That kid's got something it couldn't get anywhere else." – Foot rot, heh.

12) G: "Argo? Argo? Ar- excuse me. Argo?” – Hahahaahahaha! OMG, I died.

13) X: "Anyone seen a guy in a little pointy hat?" Random religious figure in pointy hat: "Is that supposed to be funny?" X: "No, I just got lucky.” – (Heart)

14) Lachrymose: "Just wait till I catch you." G: "No, no." Joxer: "Huh. Must be Lachrymose-intolerant. You know, you could find her easier if you made her big again."

15) X: "Ah, now, that is devotion. Here, girl!" Some Dude: "Look, a stray dog!" – Xena’s face when she says this.

This episode is an obvious reference to Honey I Shrunk the Kids (1989).

Here are characters from the Dark Crystal (1982), who look like Lachrymose.

 In honor of my bud who texted me during this episode.

Featured clips in order of appearance:

    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    Animal Attraction
    Intimate Stranger
    Been There, Done That
    In Sickness and in Hell
    Cradle of Hope
    A Comedy of Eros
    A Day in the Life
    Takes One to Know One
    A Day in the Life
    The King of Assassins
    The Way
    A Comedy of Eros
    Warrior... Princess... Tramp
    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    The Quest
    The Quill is Mightier...
    Altared States
    The Quest
    The Execution
    The Titans
    Sins of the Past
    A Day in the Life
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    Mortal Beloved
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    The Play's the Thing
    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    The Play's the Thing
    Warrior... Priestess... Tramp
    Callisto
    Paradise Found
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    The Way
    Fallen Angel

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 04: "Animal Attraction"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“The Western Episode”

Kind of love this episode, it's surprisingly good. I do have some comments. It was also very subtext-heavy, so I made extra space for that below.

Number of duels in this episode: 2
Times a woman was itchin’ to draw her weapon: 2

Again, Xena doesn’t do a lot of fighting in this, because she really was pregnant, but she does do some :D

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

  CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

SUBTEXT EXPANSION:

1) “It's impossible! I can not be pregnant. If you weren't such a quack, you would know that getting pregnant involves certain physical requirements that I haven't met in a long time, and I mean a very long time.” – She hasn't had sex with a man lately, despite being in her prime and legendary "appetite," because she’s with Gabrielle.

2) G: "No, I can handle my own apples." Joxer: "Gabrielle, let me help you. You might like it." G: "I don't think so." – "You might like it." = You might like being with men. "I don't think so." = I'm not into men.

3) Gabrielle telling Arman that Xena doesn’t like flowers: either this is just an intimate observation or she’s tried to give Xena flowers before. Before Gabrielle adds that Xena doesn’t enjoy smelling flowers, it can be read that she’s tried to give Xena flowers before, but Xena didn’t care about them, because Xena is more the flower-giver.

4) X: “Gabrielle’s gonna freak.” – If they were just friends, why would she freak.

5) When X announces she’s pregnant, she and everyone look at Gabrielle…because how can she be pregnant, when Xena and Gabrielle are monogamous, unless Xena just revealed she cheated on Gabrielle. And also, why does the camera focus on Gabrielle exclusively? It seems the only one who stands to be affected emotionally from the news is Gabrielle. So many "just friends" have told me they were pregnant and I've felt nothing but happiness for them, maybe some excitement. No one had to walk on eggshells or worry that I was going to "freak." This moment is so gay. 

6) Gabrielle’s reaction to Xena's pregnancy news was perfectly calculated ambiguousness leaning toward pissed. She’s obviously immediately confused and suspicious about Xena lying to her about cheating. Gabrielle doesn’t believe Xena, when Xena claims to not know how she got pregnant.

7) I love the simple line that they’ve "been through this a thousand times," which means they did talk about it extensively, as any couple would. And Gabrielle saying, “I just find that a little hard to believe.” A friend would have no reason to think that another friend would lie about getting pregnant. Now, say, a celibate boyfriend wondering how his girlfriend got pregnant would prompt that dialogue. Xena would also have no reason to lie to Gabrielle about getting pregnant, if they were just friends, and Gabrielle wouldn’t find anything hard to believe. She would believe whatever Xena told her.

8) Xena and Gabrielle now refer to themselves as a family. Two women and a baby means they're together in my book.

EXTRA QUOTES: 

1) Joxer: "I wasn't looking." Amarice: "Yeah, you were, at Gabrielle." Joxer: "Was not." Amarice: "Was too. You know what? If I ever go ga-ga like that over anyone you have my permission to kill me."

2) G: "Joxer gave me one of those looks again. Xena, when he said he loved me, he said that he didn't expect anything from me. Clearly, he does. I'm trying to be sensitive. Do you have any advice?" – This is so intense. We all know that feeling when someone loves the shit out of you, when they said it wouldn't be a problem.

3) X: "We're gonna have to treat that wound before we set him free." G: "Set him free?" X: "What's on your mind?" – Love the way Xena says this. She knows Gabrielle wants him.

4) G: "I really appreciate this." X: "Are you kidding? This way, I get a hot bath and to eat something I didn't kill myself. On the other hand, I'm so hungry I could eat a h.." G: "You wouldn't." – CUTE.

5) X: "Oh, this is Talia. We rode together years ago.” – Like how many years ago? What the hell is this?

6) X: "Why don't we get together over a meal? You know, I wanna feel I should have someee raspberry jelly and I don't know, some raw fish. What do you say?" – Hahahaaha this made me LOL.
 
7) Amarice: "Glad you're all right. I wouldn't wanna drown you my first time here." Arman: "I know what you mean. Makes for a very bad impression."

8) Joxer: "Women can't live with 'em can't chain em in the yard." – They give so many sexist jokes to Joxer. It speaks volumes that Xena and Gabrielle are so tolerant of this.

9) X: "I don't feel so good." Amarice: "After raspberry jam and raw fish? Big surprise." – I love how blunt Amarice always is.

10) X: "It's impossible! I can-not be pregnant. If you weren't such a quack, you would know that getting pregnant involves certain physical requirements that I haven't met in a long time and I mean a very long time. No one, zilch, zippo. I am a love-free zone. Therefore, it is utterly impossible that I be up the duff. So, what's your diagnosis, now?" Doc: "Mood swings!" – Hahahahaha I love that Xena uses “up the duff” and then the doc’s follow-up joke is fucking funny. Well done.

11) G: "No, I can handle my own apples." Joxer: "Gabrielle let me help you. You might like it." G: "I don't think so." Joxer: "Gimme!" G: "Stop it." Joxer: "I'm gonna help you!" G: "Joxer-" Joxer: "No." G: "Joxer, get your hands off my apples!" Joxer: "Perfect example" – This is kind of fucked up. Even after he destroys her apples, he blames it on her for not being attracted to him.

12) Arman: "I see your point. So, what do I do to make it up to her?" G: "Flowers you can't go wrong with flowers." Arman: "Flowers?" G: "Yes, women love flowers, except Xena. Yeah, she's the only woman that I know who doesn't stop to smell them." – Xena isn't a typical woman, is she. She has more of a boyish mindset?

13) Talia: "No, I stand up to Darcon or I don't, but either way, I am not gonna let you take him on for me, especially pregnant... Oh, come on. Who's kidding herself, now. The need for sleep? The cravings? The nausea? Hey not to mention, you know you're looking a little [makes a round tummy gesture] My mother was a midwife, Xena. Wake up and smell the diapers." X: [Gasps!] – Hahahaha! I love it when people insult Xena and she internalizes it, like that time when Joxer said she was filthy.

14) Bartender: "What'll it be?" X: "Milk" Bartender: "Milk??" X: "I said milk! What, am I over-age?" – Hahahaha

15) Amarice: "Xena, hey. I've been looking all over for you. I think I'm in trouble." X: "What, is it in the water?" Amarice: "Huh? I'm talking about Arman." X: "Well, what about him?" Amarice: "Well you see, that's the trouble. Every Amazon instinct I have says keep away, but my heart just says go for it. Have you ever had this problem before?" X: "Apparently. Listen, Amarice either you kiss him or you kill him, but, either way, it doesn't seem to make a difference." – Hahahaha, “apparently.” Love the way Amarice says, “have you ever had this problem before?”

16) X: "I've got something I wanna tell you. Just stay put. Believe me, you don't wanna be standing when you hear this. Not that it's bad. See, I would sense that and it's not, but there is this small question of how it happened, and once you get past that, it's really great. Don't give me that look like you knew. You didn't know. I didn't even know, and I'm the one who's expecting. Or, maybe you did know but don't let on to the others. I wanna tell them myself. Gabrielle's gonna freak." – Hahahahaa! The delivery of the last line is PERFECT.

17) X: "Something happened?" Arman: "I kissed her and, no matter what she says, she kissed me back. She just won't admit it." X: "And why do you think that is?" Arman: "I think it's 'cause she's scared it'll make her seem weak." X: "Hmm." Arman: "Like carin' for someone is somethin' bad. Can you believe that?" X: "Yeah, I used to, but now I know that any fool can risk his life. It takes a hero to risk his heart." – A good friend of mine and I kissed like this once and she couldn’t handle that she started it. She denied it and me, and nothing ever happened. Love is the most dangerous thing in the world. That last line of Xena's is perfection.

18) G to her new horse: "Come on. Come on, handsome." – This is so sweet, you guys.

19) X: "I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant!" – Ok, this is really fucking funny, and I think it’s because once they hear her, there's no noise whatsoever except for the creaking of spare leather in the stable.

20) Amarice: "Amarice, I don't know anyone who'd scare you. You never let 'em close enough to try." Amarice: "That's not true. There is someone who scares me.. You." Arman: "Very funny." Amarice: "I'm not kidding. I've never met anyone like you. I'm not used to feeling this way." Arman: "You think I am? This is all new to me, too." Amarice: "It doesn't scare you?" Arman: "Big time but that's what makes us so brave, to feel this scared and not run away. I'd say that takes a lotta courage, wouldn't you?" Amarice: "You calling me a coward?" Arman: "I hope not." – This joke at the end is so cute, and this dialogue is BANK. Loving the shit out of it.

21) G: "Hi. Woo! Whoa, boy. Whoa. Come on, Xena. Race ya to Greece?" X: "I don't know if you're ready for that." G: "Are you chicken?" X: "No, just being considerate. We race to Greece, and you won't be able to walk straight for a month." – I’m sorry, this is hilarious.

XENA & GABRIELLE'S ENTIRE DIALOGUE ABOUT PREGNANCY:

1) G: "You're pregnant? How can you be pregnant? Xena, I mean, when did you..? Who d..?" X: "I don't know." Joxer to Amarice: "And you asked her advice on your love life." G: "You don't know?" X: "Gabrielle, this is as strange to me as it is to you. I don't understand it, but it's true.” – Joxer’s joke insinuating that Xena gets around is hilarious.

2) G: "You don't have the slightest idea?" X: "No. Look, we've been through this a thousand times. I don't." G: "How can you not know? I.. I just find that hard to believe, you know?" X: "Tellin' me." G: "Ares! Maybe he did a god thing-" X: "NO." G: "OK, fine. When was the last time we saw Hercules? I forget, I can't-" – I love how pissed Xena gets about Ares and all of this conversation. I love the simple line that they’ve discussed it a thousand times and am annoyed we weren't privy to that convo.

3) X: "Well, congratulations. Looks like we're a two-horse family." G: "Yeah, family being the operative word." X: "Yeah, how about that, huh?" G: "You know what I think? I think it's the beginning of a beautiful relationship." X: "Yup, for all of us." – Gabrielle just said it, they're going to be a family.

What did Xena say when Gabrielle asked her, "How can you be pregnant?" She said the only thing there is to say in such a situation:

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 07: "Intimate Stranger"

All right, you guys, "Intimate Stranger" is like a mishmash of Freaky Friday (either version applies) and Nightmare on Elm Street (any installment will work here). I love this episode, mainly because Lucy Lawless and Hudson Leick are so good at playing each others characters. After a while, you really believe that, what the writer and director want us to believe is happening, is actually happening.

This episode, along with “Callisto” and “Return of Callisto,” was one that I had on VHS for the longest time. To think of all the work I had to go through to get the trilogy on one VHS. Man! How did I ever do it? Did I read the TV guide to find out when these eps would come on, wait for them to air on TV, and then record them with the VHS player? That sounds like insanity. Now, I could easily watch these episodes instantly, if I desired (on Netflix, of course).

As a teenager, I didn't really understand about Callisto’s death being guilt-inducing for Xena. I still don’t really get it. I mean, Xena kills people all the time. Ares says to Xena, “Didn’t you serve as judge, jury, and executioner?” She did, but isn’t that how she serves everyone she kills? Since when did she ever give a shit? But then again, if she didn't feel guilty, we wouldn’t have this awesome episode.

One of my favorite scenes is the one where Callisto in Xena's Body (CIXB) tutors Gabrielle on killing with a blade on her staff. When CIXB gets overzealous and tells Gabrielle to lunge at the tree with her whole body, Gabrielle turns around to look at Xena, like, “girl, what the hell has gotten into you?” At this exact moment, you can see how green Gabrielle's eyes are. They match her top and the green forest behind her. She’s beautiful. Then, a moment after that, Xena examines the breast dagger that she’s just tied to the staff. The blue sky glares off the metal and CIXB flares her eyes really big, as crazy Callisto often does. The blade color matches her eyeballs. Awesome shots; love 'em.

Now. Let's get this party started. 

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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Jennifer falls asleep in Nightmare On Elm Street: Dream Warriors and look what happens to her:

The body swap from Freaky Friday (1976): 

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 18: "The Prodigal"

I have a special place in my heart for this installment. There are few episodes that I recall randomly at any given time, but this is one of them, even though I didn't recognize it from the title. Gabrielle finds her way again by helping another find his.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after.. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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All who've seen this episode, know why I post what I'm about to post: 

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 01: "Sins of the Past"

"Sins of the Past"

Alright. It's officially the first review of Xena: Warrior Princess!

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] for said item and [SERIES SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you have seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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Just a.. f-few notes: Usually (hopefully) I won’t take this many notes, but there were many "firsts" and a lot of background information involved. It’s the introductory episode, after all. It sets the tone for the entire series!

1) "I love this show!" - Me, several times out loud. 

2) “Draco? Okay, now he’s a scary guy, and I understand why you’re upset, but let me throw some logic at you.” – Gabrielle

3) Gabrielle: “Hey Xena?” Xena: “What?” G: “I could probably get up there behind you.” X: “What are you talking about?” – Ha!

4) Xena and Gabrielle's age gap: When Xena first began and I started watching in 1995, I thought the characters of Gabrielle and Xena were about the same age. (Technically, that line of thinking isn't too outlandish, because Lucy Lawless [Xena] and Renee O'Connor [Gabrielle] are only three years apart.) However, now that I think about it (I totally didn’t consider this in 2009), there's a considerable age gap between Xena and Gabrielle.

Age - Let's break it down: Gabrielle is betrothed. In ancient times, Greek girls married anywhere from the beginning of puberty to 15-16 years of age. (I’ve even heard up to 18, but Gabrielle doesn’t look 18.) Let’s say Gabrielle is 16. [SERIES SPOILER] Xena has already been around long enough to lead a village war, build an army, get her legs broken by Caeser, allow her legs time to heal, stay with Lao Ma for a while, turn evil, raise another army, become part of the Valkyrie, live with the Amazons for a spell, and build a murderous reputation all over the world. [END SPOILER] I know I'm leaving out a few things, but I think it's a safe bet that Xena’s in her mid-20s (24-26), if not her late 20s (27-29). It wouldn’t be extreme to say that the characters are about 10 years apart in age or that Xena is at least a third older than Gabrielle. This idea adds new intensity to their dynamic for me. It says so much more about Xena, especially.

5) You know you give up a piece of yourself when people start fighting on top of other people and you say, "Alright." Don’t forget, Crocodile Dundee walked on people’s heads, too:

6) In this episode, we get a good look at Lucy Lawless’ dazzling blue eyes. I was telling a friend about Xena not long ago. She was familiar with it, but had never delved into it. She asked about LL and I mentioned her eyes. My friend said, “What color are her eyes?” and I looked at her like she was a stranger. I thought everyone knew her eye color. She’s famous for it!

7) Sometimes a fighting maneuver is so good, I laugh.

8) The opening shot of this first episode is beautiful. It looks like a camera trick, but I think they shot it true. And the first scene of Xena riding her horse is dreamlike as she gallops across the countryside through thick fog. It’s beautiful. That shot alone foreshadows the amazing character we're all about to love.

9) Cool shot of Xena riding toward a rainbow – HOOo!

10) Some people complain about the picture quality of the first season. I think it’s quite nice. The grain is large, but the color is accurate. And of course, it’s in 4:3 format. I’ve heard that it was 4:3 to start and then widescreen in later episodes, which is reportedly preserved in the box set. We’ll see.

11) The gentleman who gives Gabrielle a ride to Amphipolis, Xena’s hometown, tells Gabrielle that he knew Oedipus. This would put the setting somewhere within 5th century BC. [SERIES SPOILER] We all know that Xena jumps all over the place, time-wise. Why, technically, at this point, Xena's already had a fling with Ceaser, who lived in 1st Century BC. [END SPOILER]

12) Renee O’Connor (ROC) is already so good as Gabrielle. She’s so beautiful, which should always be a given, as I don’t want to sound redundant. I love that Xena (and the audience) already sees how good Gabrielle is from her first words, “Take me. Let the others go."

13) Part of Xena’s flashback at the beginning, when she comes upon a village she destroyed, didn’t happen in Hercules. It was made brand new just for the flashback and is also used in the intro. You can tell, because she wears her new armor. This is the shot of her sitting atop Argo with a leer on her face while the village burns behind her.

14) Somewhat touching sequence where Cyrene disowns Xena and then holds her at the end. No one gets to you more than your parents.

15) That double karate chop to that guy’s neck on the horse: I tried that move on my younger brother once after I originally saw this episode, and it really hurt him.

16) Gabrielle saves Xena from stoning by the Amphipolitans through reasoning, but I mean, if Xena really wanted to save her own life here, she could’ve. For the episode's purposes, though, Gabrielle saves Xena's life (but not really). It looks like Gabrielle helps out again by tripping that one henchman who rushes to save Draco from falling.

17) Xena rides into Amphipolis in only her black leathers - no armor. Wow.

18) [SERIES SPOILER] After Gabrielle switches from this concealing outfit to her later ones, she never again has a covered mid-section. [END SPOILER]

19) Xena has a headband on in this episode. This only happens, like, once more and then they nix her headbands altogether, which is a good thing I think. The less headgear she has in the way of fashion, the more I believe her. And, ironically, I think less headgear makes her more womanly. She doesn’t need it, plus Xena is all about traveling light.

20) I’ve never really given a shit about Xena’s sword. She doesn’t seem to hold any sort of attachment to it, other than it’s a weapon, but I think I kind of like it now. I love that it’s so worn-looking, like she’s sharpened it a thousand times. The gems in it are awesome, the hilt is cool-looking, the pommel - large and in charge. It’s just a plain old sweet-ass sword.

21) I’ve never liked Xena’s footwear. Can I get an amen? But then again, they’re just ancient boots; they serve their purpose. It would’ve been so insulting if they were like high-heeled boots or something.

22) Love how they mix Joseph LoDuca’s singing women with the women working and chanting in the field.

23) Sort of always loved Darien Takle as Cyrene. I can believe that she and Xena are related; they kind of favor each other. Cyrene’s a good-lookin’ woman.

24) Love the part where Xena disarms Hector by flinging his sword up into a tree branch.

25) When my best friend, Luscious L, decided to try to give this show a shot, the first thing she mentioned was how annoying the “blond girl” was. That made me laugh so hard. [SERIES SPOILER] I told Luscious that Gabrielle’s referred to as "the annoying blond" sseeeeveral times throughout the series. [END SPOILER] I love that she’s annoying. I think it’s endearing and that that was the point: to pair Xena, who hardly speaks, with someone so full of life that she’s about to explode.

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