Hey, Girl. It's Wanda.: 2014

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 12: "The Bitter Suite"

"The Bitter Suite"

You guys, seriously…my job, man. Fuck.

OK! So, this is a musical. What can I say. I watched it on Valentines Day, which was approximately three weeks ago. Happy International Women’s Day, by the way. Let’s get started.

Man this episode is awesome. I almost regret to admit that I loved the beginning when Xena and Gabrielle tried to kill each other. This episode concludes the "Rift Saga." I’ve read stuff where people thought the “Rift Saga” was hard to watch or bad. I loooved the saga. I love anything where there's conflict between Gabrielle and Xena, because this is where we see the truth of their characters and how they feel about each other. Awesome stuff.

I don’t quite subscribe to Gabrielle’s side of the story, though I love her and Xena equally. I think it’s a stretch to say that Dahak was Xena’s fault. Why does it have to be someone’s fault?

A LOT of times the music sounds like Nightmare Before Christmas, whose music was hit or miss for me. Mostly this episode follows the misses.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) Ares: "Nice vocal! But you sure can't dance to it. Look, I feel your pain, OK, but how much longer before you start doing something about it?" X: "My son is dead, ya soul-less bastard!" — The way she says this is hilarious.

2) Ares: "Just goes to prove what I've been telling you all along: no good deed goes unpunished." — Oh my god, did did the writer of Wicked rip this off of Xena??

3) Xena: "You got any better ideas?!" Gabrielle: "You're asking me? Well, that's a first." — God I love the way Gabrielle talks to Xena.

One of the darker points in the music reminds me of the Gravity soundtrack, a movie I'm currently obsesses with. I’m going to play one song in particular here.

Before the musical Wicked created the song "No Good Deed (Goes Unpunished)," Ares was singing it in "The Bitter Suite."

Here are excerpts from my favorite Broadway recordings.
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Saturday, February 15, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 11: "Maternal Instincts"

"Maternal Instincts"

Oooooooooh SHIT. GOD. K, first of all:

1) There's a reason we needed those three comedies back to back. It wasn't just because of the heavy subject matter at the start of the season. It was also because of this episode.
2) I'm not going to say that Xena's singing made me cry. I will say though that I got teary-eyed while she was singing.
3) I watched "The Bitter Suite" right after this, because, well, it's Valentine's Day and I just couldn't help myself.

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 10: "The Quill Is Mightier..."

"The Quill Is Mightier..."

Man, three comedies in a row! Frankly, we needed them, didn't we? Question. What does it take to make up for Xena's absence in an episode?

Ares

Aphrodite

Joxer

Minya

Magic

Money and beer falling from the sky

Three naked Gabrielles

Whatever, it totally worked. I frickin' love this episode! As soon as it started, I kicked myself for not remembering what it was about. It's practically spelled out. Also, fyi, this director-writer duo also did "Been There, Done That."

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Just Checkin' In

This is an update on my life. Please feel free to skip it.

The play is over.

It was a success. To my surprise, I received a glowing write-up from The New York Theater Review. My part was small, but this lady loved the shit out of me. I wouldn't advertise it on here right now, if I were using my real name instead of Wanda Tate.

I just filed my taxes.

And I owe a total of $510.00 (god damn it). The good news: I filed for free through OnLine Taxes or OLT.com.

There's a tub of Brownies to my right.

I purchased them today at the store. They're almost gone and not very good.

Yesterday, my boss begged me to come back to work and succeeded.

I'm sad, because I fear I won't have time for Xena, just when I was getting going again. However, with the pay offered and sushi dinner used to coerce me, I couldn't turn it down. I restart Monday.

I'm addicted to comic books.

Perhaps I've mentioned this before, or you should've seen it coming when you saw my Strangers in Paradise post. I've since expanded my graphic explorations to cover several writers, artists, heroes and publishers. I'm mostly focused on supporting female-lead comic books, but I'll read anything, if it's good. So far, my pull list is 18-deep. Here's what I'm currently following:

Ghost, Volume 4 (Dark Horse)

Batgirl, Volume 4 (DC)

Batwoman (DC)

Legends of Red Sonja (Dynamite)

Red Sonja, Volume 5 (Dynamite)

Maxx Maxximized (IDW Publishing)

Lazarus (Image)

Pretty Deadly (Image)

Revival (Image)

Rocket Girl (Image)

Afterlife with Archie (Independent)

Rachel Rising (Independent)

Black Widow, Volume 5 (Marvel)

Captain Marvel, Volume 6 (Marvel)

Hawkeye, Volume 4 (Marvel)

Ms. Marvel, Volume 3 (Marvel)

She-Hulk, Volume 3 (Marvel)

X-Men, Volume 4 (Marvel)

Comics I'm reading that have ended:

Birds of Prey, Volume 1 (DC)

Gotham Central (DC)

Secret Six, Volumes 2 and 3 (DC)

Echo by Terry Moore (Independent)

Strangers in Paradise (Independent)

Fearless Defenders (Marvel)

Journey Into Mystery, featuring Sif (Marvel)

Manhunter, Volume 3 (Marvel)

Ms. Marvel, Volume 2 (Marvel)

Red She-Hulk (Marvel)

Witching Hour (Vertigo)

I think that's all of them. If you wanna talk about any of these, I'M DOWN. I love comic books. So much.

The brownies are all gone.

Because I ate them all. I'm not ashamed.

My good friend Jolisa just broke up with her boyfriend.

I feel so bad for her. That shit sucks. There's a small possibility she'll move in with me, if her life implodes.

Yes, I've been fucking around on Tinder.

So sue me. If you see a hot chick cuddling with a sleeping kitten, that's me.

I'm all caught up on Girls.

I can't say I love this show, but I love watching it for a few reasons.

Lena Dunham is so young and totally succeeding with this show.

It's filmed and takes place in New York City.

I love Adam.

I love the music choices.

Lena's life sort of parallels my own, so I hang on everything she says.

I have panic disorder.

And am slowly looking forward to CBT therapy as soon as my benefits are restored through work. Have you ever had a panic attack before? I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I just mailed my rent check.

For February. I'd say it's really fucking late. Trying not to think about it.

I just paid my bills.

And will have no money, until I get my first paycheck from work, yet I need money for subway rides to get there. I'm happy though.

A "catastrophic nor'easter" is blowing into NYC as I type.

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!...We may get up to 14" of snow. This is on top of all of the other mounds of black and brown snow that have turned to ice, because it's snowed and snowed and snowed all winter here and the temperature hasn't risen above 32 degrees since November, so the snow can't melt. Also, even weirder, the city is running dangerously low on salt, so it's awfully slippery. People have been eating it right and left. I fear I'm next.

In the past week, I've eaten two pounds of bacon.

I earned it.

The construction next door is muffled.

But far from finished. I'm to the point now, where I can sleep through it and seldom require earplugs. I still plan to move in June, mainly because my sunlight is gone. I'll probably stay in NYC, though I'm considering California. It's just getting too expensive to live here these days.

My face is peeling.

And my fingernails and other parts of my skin are dyed black from all the makeup involved with my costume from the play. Also, another side effect of the production, I've maintained a myriad of bruises in unusual places, such as the top of my right foot and on my chest.

Yes, I'm following Bridgegate.

I watch Rachel, so I know all about it. I'm one who hopes Chris Christie is telling the truth in not knowing about the lane closures or the Hoboken/Sandy incident. I'm pretty liberal, but I liked him. Crossing my fingers, though it doesn't look good.

I can't think of anything else.

Yeah, I think I'm done. Now I gotta rework the calendar. Talk to you soon.

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 09: "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"

"Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"

Two look-alike episodes back-to-back?? Thank you, Jesus!!

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 08: "The King of Assassins"

"The King of Assassins"

OK, I don’t remember this episode. Like AT ALL. As in, I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen it before. If I wasn’t 99% certain I have seen it, I’d say it was new to me. I’m almost wondering if I somehow missed it during the 2009 viewing. Otherwise, “King of Assassins” is just what the doctor ordered. Sure it starts out slow, but it gains momentum in the tail.

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 07: "The Debt II"

"The Debt II"

Great part two. Loved the shit out of it.

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 06: "The Debt"

"The Debt"

Holy shit. Yeah, this is the good stuff right here. These two eps are epic. E-P-I-C Eps. I mean, Xena and Gabrielle are fucking each other over right and left. Furthermore, I remember this episode being ballsy, but I don't recall it being this ballsy.

Technical note: I watched "The Debt" and "The Debt II" in one sitting and posted both reviews to this blog at the same time.

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 05: "Gabrielle's Hope"

"Gabrielle's Hope"

What a beautiful fuckin’ episode. GEEZus, it's so good... Hmm, it’s really good, and I can definitely say this is the second time in my life I've ever seen it, so it was like the first time.

This episode marks one point of many where the series takes a turn onto a new level of serious that can't be found in the 1st and 2nd seasons. Also, it’s tentatively the first time Xena and Gabrielle oppose each other. Suddenly... there’s a rift.

Let's start with the end. I love the final scenes of this episode. Holy shit, I was so into it. The writing is perfect.

G: "Xena, this is madness."
X: "Get away from that rock, Gabrielle."
G: "I can't believe you're doing this."
X: "Move."
G: "No."
X: “Now!"

This is the best scene in all history. I love Xena’s remorseful expression, for it's true: if Hope had been behind that rock, Xena would have killed her, and that's why she looked so sad telling Gabrielle to move. Hope's murder would have ended their relationship, Xena knew, but she would do it to save Gabrielle, herself, and all of mankind. She was going to kill a baby, her best friend’s baby. It was also Gabrielle’s test for Xena, to see if Xena would actually commit such a crime. This is some twisted, intense, fucked up shit right here. I love it so.

I have a minor squabble with the actual pregnancy. Aside from the improbability of a baby growing that fast without producing stretch marks, Gabrielle’s instant bond with the baby (which came about 10 minutes after she found out there even was a baby, mind you) has always bewildered me. That is all.

In addition to being dope, this episode features two events for the second time.

1) A hardcore reference to The Sword in the Stone, where again, Xena easily pulls the sword out of the stone, admires it and puts it back. Name the ep where it happens the first time, because I can't remember which one it is.

2) We see a baby floating down the river! This also happens in Season 1, Episode 4, coincidentally titled "Cradle of Hope."

In summary, Xena tries to kill Gabrielle’s baby and Gabrielle lies to Xena. Shit, man. And they’re both right! It’s gloooorious.

Kinda lovin' R.J. Stewart right now. Good writer.

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 04: "The Deliverer"

"The Deliverer"

This ep is hard to swallow in more ways than one, from a production standpoint and from a substance standpoint. But regardless of my squabbles with it, boring and meek it is not.

First I'll say, halfway through this, I thought I’d gotten my episode prediction wrong! There is SO. MUCH. GOING. ON.

Xena faces Caesar.

Xena reconciles with Boadicea.

Ares tells the truth for once about the new god, but Xena doesn't believe him.

Caesar captures Gabrielle and puts her on a cross.

Aaall the shit this episode says about religion. It’s so gutsy. I remember at first watch, I didn’t see it coming.

Xena loses herself to her lust for battle.

Gabrielle KILLS someone.

We meet Dahak.

I'm sure I missed something, as the gamut runs wide. EACH OF THESE could be an episode all its own. For instance, I thought Boadicea was in a different chapter entirely; not only is she in a Caesar episode, she’s in the "Gabrielle Kills" episode. Jesus. There were so many gd plot points, it made for the most difficult synopsis I've ever written.

Subtext notes: A lot of fans say that this episode kicks off a stream of jealousy-filled events by our heroines over each other. I definitely see it in "The Deliverer." I feel like I've seen them jealous in past episodes as well, but when I dwell on it, these moments could be construed as jealousy over someone else. This ep might host the first unquestionable moment of jealousy, where the audience is like, "Holy shit. Why'd she say that like that?" I'm referring to the part where Gabrielle and Khrafstar are talking on the boat. Here's what happens:

Below deck, Khrafstar tells Gabrielle about his "one god," while Xena checks everything above.
Xena comes downstairs. Gabrielle sees her and immediately knows Xena won't like them talking. She explains before Xena even fucking says anything, "Um, I was just teaching Khrafstar how to avoid seasickness. He was telling me about his god, ha-ha. It’s, it’s very interesting.” It seems even to Gabrielle that she's babbling, knowing it's all for not. Her tone and rhythm suggests that she knows her explanation is only making Xena madder.
Xena rudely says, “I’m sure it is,” and walks away from them.
Gabrielle immediately goes to Xena and approaches her like she's in trouble (why would she be?) She gingerly asks, "Hey, what’s up?"
Xena snaps at her, “Does anything have to be up?” Just like a jealous lover. Why not just explain her Boadicea situation right then? She loses her cool, as love will often cause one to do.

Whether she's jealous of Khrafstar or the "one god," she's jealous of Gabrielle's attention to someone or something other than herself. There's no other interpretation I can make. We all recognize what the tone of Xena's "Does anything have to be up?"-reply implies. We've all heard it before in some form or another.

"The Deliverer" feels like a two-part episode, but I didn’t see "Part 2" or "To Be Continued" or anything like that… in the apartment above me, I can her the garbled recording of MLK's “I Have a Dream” speech. Anyway, I didn't see any of that, so I didn't watch the next ep immediately afterward.

Now, I’m to the episodes that I watched for the first time in 2009. This excites the shit out of me.

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EXTRAS:

1) The talk between Gabrielle and Xena about the grain of sand summates their personalities perfectly. Gabrielle is searching for something more always, travels the spiritual path, and loves science; while Xena is more animalistic. She just wants to eat, survive, and if that stick is hard enough, it can hurt someone.

2) Xena: “Let these men go.” Legionary: “Any particular reason why we should?” Xena: “Yeah, a whole list of em.” [She starts to beat their asses] X: “Reason one. Reason two. Reason three. I don’t often get to reason four, but when I do, it gets real messy!”

3) Ares: “Hmm, still miffed about the insanity thing, huh? Oh, get over it. Even the Furies have forgotten about it by now. There’s no real damage done.” X: “You wanted me to kill my mother.” – Ha!

4) Khrafstar: “My god has taught me that direct confrontation is not always the right path.” G: “Yeah, well Xena taught me that if you let someone take advantage of you, they will.” – I love the way she says this. Awesome.

5) Gabrielle: “Well, he said something about dividing-” Xena: “Dividing a woman’s sensibilites from her emotion? Yeah. Yeah, I know his philosophy.” – She sounds a little bitter, no?

6) Ares: “Whatever you might think about us, Xena, you know us. You might love us, you might hate us, but we are not evil. This god is.” – This is so good. It never occurred to me that the Greek Gods weren't evil, but I guess it's true. I love to think about what ancients (especially Xena) might have thought about the gods. Were there Atheists?

7) Xena: “What have you done to her, you bastard?!” – YEAH!! This is so good. Probably the best part in the whole episode.

8) Khrafstar: “Dahok will bring the cleansing fire of war to the world, a war begun over innocence.” Xena: “This is not the one god of the Israelites.” – Interesting that she thought this.

9) Khrafstar: “Thank you for Gabrielle.” Xena: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Khrafstar: “Look inside yourself. You brought her here. And why did you come? To defeat Caesar. Your hatred brought you here. Dahok appreciates rage.” – Dude, that suuucks.

10) Xena: “You half-witted toady to a third-rate god! Come and get me!” – I had to look this up to see what she said. Are we sure about this? “Toady?” What the hell is a toady? Well, I looked it up in my trusty Merriam-Webster. Here’s the definition: toady noun \ˈtō-dē\: a person who praises and helps powerful people in order to get their approval, a sycophant.

11) Xena: “All I’ve seen is a lame attempt at a religion and some fancy fireworks.” – This is awesome. I love the way she says this and keeps her cool while her best friends hangs over a fire behind her.

12) Gabrielle: “Xena?” Xena: “I’m here, Gabrielle.” Gabrielle: “It hurts inside.” Xena: “What?” Gabrielle: “Everything’s changed. Everything.” Xena: “Hey, it’s gonna be OK. Promise.” – [SERIES SPOILER] She ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie. [END SPOILER]

Boadicea may have set a trend, as this episode aired before any of these famous face tattoos:

Heart and face bruiser, Mike Tyson.

One of my all-time faves: Gucci Mane's ice cream cone 'n' lightning bolts.

I'm not a big Kat Von D fan, but I wanted to include a woman. I can't confirm the ep came before the tat... but I bet it did.

One of the most notable face tattoos belongs to Rick Genest, known as Zombie Boy. Here's the model starring in a commercial for Dermablend Professional Leg and Body Cover. This is awesome.

If you remember anything from the movie Misery (1990), it's this. I imagine this is how Gabrielle felt about having her legs broken on the cross. Be warned, it is horrifying.

Elvira? Or Discord?

I prefer Wolverine's claws to the Deliverer's dinky ones. This is one of my fave scenes from X2:

Finally, what you've all been waiting for, a song I listened to on the day of my review:

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Monday, January 20, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 03: "The Dirty Half Dozen"

Love how I totally fucked up the calendar almost immediately. Pipe the hell down, I adjusted it.

"The Dirty Half Dozen"

Odd that I was right in my prediction of what I thought this episode was about, but I was talking about an earlier episode that I also loved.

God, this 'sode was awesome. Another Steven L. Sears affair, it had Ares and Charles Mesure (Darnelle), whom we’ve seen before [SERIES SPOILER] and whom we’ll see again. [END SPOILER] There were explosions, awesome fight scenes, and what I thought was a really convincing love scene. There were heart-to-hearts and all kinds of shit like that.

We've seen a few of these kinds of episodes, where Xena teams up or surrounds herself with enemies and backstabbers, whom she knows personally, such as "Ten Little Warlords" and "A Fistful of Dinars" (another of Steven L. Sears's). I love them.

I forgot to mention this in my review: it should be noted that the chakram utterly destroys Agathon's own special Hephaestian throwing weapon. This tells us that the chakram is made of at least the same indestructible material, if not something much stronger.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) I love Ares’ “score one” effect. Also, while we’re at it, I have always loved the gods’ appear and disappear effect. Good, simple use of CGI.

2) Of COURSE that was Xena dragging Darnelle away from camp in the middle of the night. Xena would never have let someone sneak into their camp without hearing them.

3) Did you notice Darnelle’s a bit of an Olympian? His weapon of choice is a javelin, and he shot-puts a rock at one point.

4) Agathon and Xena have a draw!! Just like the old west. Also, this scene with all the steam and shit reminds me of the final fight scene in Commando starring Schwartzenegger. Also, what a gruesome death for Agathon.

5) When all is said and done, Darnelle respects women and Glaphyra, men. Yaaay.

6) Darnelle: "Ah, there was no proof I did it.” Jailer: "He was stabbed with a spear. You were holding it at the time.” Darnelle: "Well, if you wanna go technical on me.” - Ha!

7) Darnelle: "Whoa! There was a lady in here?” Glaphyra: "I'm no lady." - This is funnier to me than it should be.

8) Xena: “She ended up a slaver, selling men to traders from the south.” Gabrielle: "Just men?” Glaphyra: “I specialize.” - I'm curious to know more.

9) Xena: "Gabrielle, I could never see you as being evil. There is a difference between them and you.” - Tell us about it, Xena.

10) Guy's Voice: "This is crazy.” Glaphyra's Voice: "So put down your weapon.” Guy's Voice: "You first.” Gabrielle: "Murderers guarding murderers. It was a good idea. Hmm.” - Gabrielle is so smart, and this is so funny.

11) Walsim: “Poison, I'll bet. One of you poisoned him.” Darnelle: "You're the one with the cross-bow. Maybe we should look for an arrow in his back.” Walsim: "Maybe you wanna look for one in your chest." - Hahahaa. I love how Walsim says this.

12) Ares: “Give this up, Xena. I'm not gonna make any deals this time. I promised Agathon I would not interfere. If you attack, he’s gonna kill you.” - I love this, because he tells her as though he cares about her.

13) Xena: "Gabrielle's been through more than you'd think. Yes, more than you. And, despite everything, she doesn't carry hatred toward others. Good people don’t." Glaphyra: "And the bad people?” Xena: "The bad people are us, Glaphyra. Who I was, who you are. You know, you're so quick to blame everything on men, you have never once looked inside yourself for the answers. It's something that I had to learn. Gabrielle is a good teacher. Who knows? If I had met her back when I met you, maybe it'd be me who changed.” - Good talk about the theme of the episode, maybe the whole show. This is a very correct feminist conversation. Xena, the ultimate feminist, talking to Glaphyra, a man-hater posing as a feminist.

14) Glaphyra: "I want you to know, when I kill you, it won't be because you're a man.” - Ha! Getting there.

15) Xena: "Gabrielle, Glaphyra, get out.” Gabrielle: "I'm not leaving!” Glaphyra: "Like she said! Besides, we have to protect our men, don't we?!” - Man, she’s running with it, isn’t she?

16) Glaphyra: "Seems like as good a direction as any. I think I can put up with the company, for a while.” Darnelle: "Don't go falling in love with me, now!” Glaphyra: "I'd sooner fall for a toad.” Darnelle: "Well, it's a start!” - Ha!

17) Gabrielle: “Hmm, I can answer that. You'd still be heroic Xena. You were on that path when we met.” Xena: "Are you crazy? Without you to keep me on the straight and narrow-“ Gabrielle: "You'd have managed.” Xena: “Hey!" Gabrielle: "Just not as well.” Xena: "Hang on a minute.” - If you stop to process this–to picture it–it’s reeeally funny.

Robocop (1987) or Hephaestian armor?

The steamy fight between Bennet and John (Arnold) in Commando (1985):

I've been listening to this a lot lately. You've probably heard it but maybe never knew who sang it. The artist is M83 and the song is "Midnight City." The video is also really pretty:

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 02: "Been There, Done That"

"Been There, Done That"

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EXTRAS:

1) G: “Xena, you're saying that I forgot everything that happened yesterday?” X: "You didn't just forget; it never happened to you.” G: "Well, if it never happened, then what's to forget?” X: “Today." G: "But today hasn't happened yet.” X: "Well, it happened to me." - I love Xena trying to explain all this to Gabrielle and Gabrielle not buying it.

2) J: "Oh, oh! I know. I know. Wait a minute. What if none of this really is happening, and, like, we're all in somebody else's head, and they're making us up?” - Admission: I entertain this theory all the time.

3) X: "You don't even remember Joxer's death? The sword plunged into his heart, his chest covered with blood, his eyes staring blankly up at the sky. (Joxer faints) We had a funeral for him. You cried over him.” - This is so good, the way Xena says this to Gabrielle, and Gabrielle looks at Xena almost like she’s embarrassed.

4) X: “I find out every stinky little thing there is to know about these people, I save the old man, stop the fighting, and then use the information I've got to make peace between the houses, and still it isn't enough. I'm missing something. I'm missing something small... I think I know what it is.” - The idea that she really does have to learn everything about the town in order to move on to tomorrow is overwhelming. Like the movie Groundhog Day (1993), it makes you wonder how many days Xena spent in that town. People have calculated in Groundhog Day, that Bill Murray’s character repeated the same day for years.

5) X: "So, when you saw me in the village, why didn't you ask for help?” Neron: “Well frankly, I- I was expecting Hercules. Or at least Sinbad.” - Ha! Sinbad! Bastard..

In case you've been living under a rock and have never heard of Groundhog Day, allow these clips to whet your appetite. While a rooster awakens Xena every morning, it's Sonny and Cher's "I Got You Babe" which rousts Phil:

Feathers' album "If Now All Here" was my favorite of 2013. Here's one of my picks from the album (No, I do not play Grand Theft Auto, but this song is featured therein.):

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Thursday, January 16, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 01: "The Furies"

"THE FURIES"

God dammit, I love this god damned, mother fucking episode. Very good starter ep, as all Xena season-openers are. It beholds some of the best lines and funniest shit I’ve ever seen on Xena.

When I first saw "The Furies," I was about 18 or 19 and thought the battle in the beginning was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever seen on TV. Then I watched it again (I would usually record every episode on VHS and rewatch it all week long), and I laughed and laughed. This ep is one I’ve seen a hundred times. So much happens, so let’s jump right in.

It's impossible to sum everything up on the review page, so here follows a few elaborations.

Lucy Lawless’s utter commitment to comedy during the fight scene.

I have nothing specific to point out here, but it's so amazing and multifaceted that it requires its own section.

Xena calls Gabrielle "Mavis."

I will never get over this. Why “Mavis,” you know? That is so god damned funny. It's a hilarious name, no doubt, and if your name just happens to be Mavis and you’re watching this show, then what? You’re probably going to laugh really hard, because there’s just no rhyme or reason to it. WHO picked it?

Xena threatens a village butt-naked.

I love this scene, because either due to the angle at which it’s shot or just the concept in general, you get to see a different side to how powerful Xena is, physically. I’m not sure if we're talkin' body double or what (I think not), but Xena is really god damned tall! She towers over everything and her stance is so strong, like she’s immovable. We see her in stark relief as this beautiful, hulking super hero, who's lost her mind. I can see a crazy person walking into a village nude like this. I believe it.

And I love, love, love Gabrielle’s poignant rationalization with her. She makes Xena realize the situation, then we see Xena's confusion and helplessness with her own madness. Compelling and heavy stuff.

Ares as Xena's father?

The most amazing thing to come out of this episode: Ares might be Xena’s father. I mean, they fight, and she beats him, which vouches for the idea that she’s half god, so… that sure would explain a lot. The theory is never proven wrong. Going forward, for those who continue the series, this possibility stays in the back of the viewer's mind for Xena.

Great performances.

Seriously. Solid work by everyone.

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EXTRAS:

1) X: (referring to the chakram, which she spins like a basketball) “This thing is great. And to think I’ve been using it all these years as a weapon.”

2) G: “Why don’t you put the pinch on him?” - I love this. "The pinch." So casual!

3) X: "I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other pertinent body parts. So, tell me, how old were you when you lost your virginity?” G: “Xena." X: "Shut up, Mavis, this is important.” Villain: “Fourteen." X: "Come on.” Villain: "OK, OK, nineteen, nineteen."- Hahahahaahah! This is so effing funny.

4) G: "Where are you going?” X: "To get something to eat. I'm starved.” - I love the way Xena says this. Like royalty.

5) G: "There are many crimes which the Furies punish with madness.” X: "Why are you telling me this? I'm not crazy.” - This is so fucking funny. I love Xena!

6) X: “I have an interesting choice, now. I can kill you, or I can spend the rest of my life shuttling between babbling idiocy and vivid clarity. Did you know that sanity is just a veil that the gods throw over our eyes to stop us from seeing the truth?” Cyrene: "What is the truth, Xena?” X: “That life is a joke! It's a barroom joke at that! And you know what the punchline is? The punchline is, that no matter what we do, we still end up as food for the worms.” - I love this whole speech, the writing and Lucy’s presentation.

7) X: "Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills.” - Iiiiii fucking love this line. It could be my favorite line of the entire show.

8) X: "Ah, but I'm quite batty, Ares, and I have limited choices. Madness is a rotten way to go through life.” - This is so sad.

9) A: "Well, I heard what you said to your mother. And you were right of course, what you said about life.” X: "I was ranting.” A: "Like a prophet. Xena, you were never so close to the truth.” X: "If you're trying to convince me that life's worth living, this is not a good strategy.” - Who the hell wrote this episode?? It’s so god damn good.

10) A: “No, life isn't worth living. It's to be taken, and beaten, and wrestled, and formed in your image. That's where the meaning lies, in what you can twist life into. For those who just endure life, yeah, it is a very nasty joke. But for those who form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the way.” X: "I must be crazy. You're beginning to make sense.” - This totally makes sense and how fascinating that Ares is the one to say it. Every audience member jumps right on board with her at this point.

11) C: "Xena, you're all right.” X: "I'm anything but all right, Mother.” - This line is unexpectedly hilarious. The chemistry is there.

12) X: “Tell me, Mother. When you and Daddy were rolling around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good?” - Uuuh, that’s really graphic.

13) Head Fury: (referring to Cyrene) “She’s the murderess? (Ares nods) And the avenging party? (he indicates Xena)” - Fucking funny.

14) X: (Xena raises the knife to sacrifice Cyrene and stops.) “Why am I doing this?” A: "She killed your father. You have to avenge his death or the Furies will torment you for eternity. Yadda, yadda, yadda - go!” X: "All right.” - Xena’s face when she says this is pure comedic gold. God, this episode is so good!

15) X: “But the best bit- the best bit of all, and this is a proud daughter talking, is when I kill Mom, thereby dooming myself forever to insanity and complete dependence on you.” - "Proud daughter" - Ha!

Because I missed you:

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Xena: Season 3 Pre-Thoughts

If you're watching this series for the first time, do not read this entry, as I am about to unabashadly spoil stuff. I am going to spoil right and I am going to spoil left. This section should only be read by those who either don't care that things will be spoiled or have already seen this show. I repeat:

THIS WHOLE ENTRY IS A SPOILER.

Now's your chance to save yourself.

Turn back now.

[SPOILER] [SPOILER] [SPOILER] [SPOILER] [SPOILER] [SPOILER] [SPOILER]

All right, now that it's just us, let's talk season 3.

I'll open by saying, this is where the good shit starts to hit the fan.

Right around here, after season 2 but before season 3, I moved to Austin in late 1997 and lost television/stopped watching Xena. I wouldn't sit down to watch Xena again until 2009, as I previously stated. (Check out the link here for my recap of that viewing, during which I watched every single episode of Xena from beginning to end for the first time.)

In 2009, I remember being turned completely ass-backwards by the depth of the show in seasons 3–6. Utterly shocked. I just had no idea it would get so good. I mean, seasons 1 and 2 were already great; I was sure it couldn't get much better than that. But for it to escalate? I just didn't see it coming.

I took life-changing delight in watching season 3, during which, to the best of my knowledge, the following events and people happened:

          1) Hope
          2) Lao Ma
          3) The Rift arc (on this, I'm a bit fuzzy):
                    a. Gabrielle gives birth to Hope, who's pure evil
                    b. Hope kills Solan, Xena's son, after Xena tells Gabrielle to kill Hope
                    c. Xena beats the shit out of Gabrielle and nearly kills her
                    d. There's the first musical episode which brings them back together again
                    e. Xena must go back to Chin to avenge the death of Lao Ma.
                    f. Gabrielle betrays Xena in Chin and gets her caught.
          4)    I'm fairly sure Xena dies?
          5)    Gabrielle fucking plummets to her death in the last episode. This shocked me.

I know there's so much more, and I wait with bated breath to rewatch the episodes I've forgotten.

In a nutshell, before I saw season 3, I thought the series peaked at season 2, but I was wrong.

It was just warming up.

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Xena: Season 3 Box Set Detail

Pics of the Season 3 box set. Again, if you're watching this series for the first time, maybe don't look at these, 'cause some pictures are spoilers. Also, can I just say that I think this is my favorite box set cover?

Front

Back

Unfolded - Discs on Top

Discs in Back

Interior Images

Exterior Images

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Xena: Season 2 Summary

All right, I'm not going to lie to you, much as I want to. Season 2 blew my shirt off. Sooooo much shit happened, including but not limited to:

We learn Xena has a son

Xena and Gabrielle turn into vampires

Gabrielle marries Perdicus

Callisto totally kills Perdicus

We meet Meg, Xena's second doppelgänger

Xena and Callisto switch bodies

Ares loses his godhood

We learn about Ceasar and his part in Xena's descent into darkness

Xena dies

We learn about M'Lila and the origin of the pinch

Gabrielle becomes an Amazon queen

Fan favorite "A Day in the Life" happens

Xena goes blind

Joxer falls for Gabrielle

Again, as with season 1, I'm baffled by the heaviness so early in the series. I mean, so far Xena's died TWICE, you guys. Xena has died once every season thus far. [SERIES SPOILER] Maybe I'm dreaming this, but I'm pretty sure she dies at least once every season, and, with the exception of this season, so does Gabrielle. [END SPOILER] Can't wait to see season 3. I can't imagine it getting more intense than season 2, but I remember for a fact that it does.

QUALITY: Season 2 is still a 4:3 standard TV ratio and varies little from the picture quality in Season 1. Nothing about it distracted me from the show, so I'd rate the quality as "good."

RANK: Though I loved season 1, I have to place season 2 at the top. I'm going off of "Favorites" alone, which tallied a whopping 12 in season 2, compared to season 1's seven. Choosing is hard. It's like deciding which star in the sky is your favorite. (And if you say, "Oh, that's easy! That big, bright one!" you're probably looking at Venus.)

Favorite Seasons Rank:

1) Season 2
2) Season 1
3)
4)
5)
6)

SUBTEXT. Looooots of subtext in season 2, again, to my befuddlement. It's just so early! To name three big ones:

Gabrielle (erotically) bites Xena's neck to turn her into a Bacchae

Xena is troubled by Gabrielle's marrying Perdicus

Xena kisses Gabrielle on the mouth, intimately, using Autolycus's body

I know I missed so much in my summaries. There's subtext all over the gd place, so please feel free to let 'er fly when you spot something I didn't. I know there's a lot.

While I believe Xena and Gabrielle's emotional relationship started in season 1, I still hesitate to say their relationship proper (as lovers) has begun. I'll note when I believe it's full tilt boogie. I do think, though, that they're already in love, whether they realize it or not.

[SERIES SPOILER] Remarkably, I'm pretty sure the end of season 2 marks the turning point for Xena and Gabrielle, as far as the pursuit of male (or other female) love interests are concerned. It will be amazing, if I'm right. That means there are four entire seasons where Xena and Gabrielle are exclusive. I remember Xena has a tiny slip, kind of, in season 5, through no fault of her own, but whatever. Season 5 is false! Seriously, though, I might even be exaggerating the season 5 slip.

Ironically, season 5 is the season I can't wait to see most of all. I'll be more critical of that season than the others, that's for sure. Maybe I'll even end up liking it. [END SPOILER]

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Hey, Girl. It's Wanda.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 12: "The Bitter Suite"

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 11: "Maternal Instincts"

Friday, February 14, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 10: "The Quill Is Mightier..."

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Just Checkin' In

Xena: Season 3, Episode 09: "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"

Monday, February 10, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 08: "The King of Assassins"

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 07: "The Debt II"

Xena: Season 3, Episode 06: "The Debt"

Xena: Season 3, Episode 05: "Gabrielle's Hope"

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 04: "The Deliverer"

Monday, January 20, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 03: "The Dirty Half Dozen"

Xena: Season 3, Episode 02: "Been There, Done That"

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Xena: Season 3, Episode 01: "The Furies"

Xena: Season 3 Pre-Thoughts

Xena: Season 3 Box Set Detail

Xena: Season 2 Summary