Xena: Season 4, Episode 19: "Takes One to Know One"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“The Clue Episode”

This is the greatest hits of Xena guest-characters! And so cute when they bring out Gabrielle's cake at the end. Love the tits outta this.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Joxer: "Yeah. You know, Autolycus is right. She's dead but she could 'a had a heart condition." Autolycus: "Yeah maybe it grew that knife." – Well this is brilliant.

2) Discord: "Thanks for the help, tall, dark, and mortal. I should have known Xena wouldn't have the guts to turn in her own mom." – Is she talking to Autolycus or Xena?

3) X: "Well, think about it. Ravenica's maps were all squished up on the bottom with her fruit whereas heavier less necessary items were on top." Cyrene, joking: "Maybe she liked her pears bruised." G: "She's your mother." – Until I read this line in the script, I thought she was speaking French and had no idea what the fuck she was saying. Pears bruised. And was that a sex joke? Is Cyrene making a joke about tits? Because I can’t handle it if she is.

4) Autolycus: "Well, much as this scares me to say this, I think she's right this time, Xena." X: "Oh, you do?" – The way Xena says this made me LOL.

5) Autolycus: "Locked as well from the inside." G: "And who discovered that? Someone with motive enough for murder? Someone who's trying to confuse us? Someone who's looking to beat this rap the best he can no matter what the cost." X: "I did it." – Hahahaaha!

6) G: “I put Joxerer's gravy recipe in her water bag." Minya: "Ew-w-w-w!" Joxer: "Mm-m-m-m-m." X: "That's inhuman!" G: "It was only enough to give her the trots for a couple of days, not enough to kill her.” – Hahaha the trots. Oh my god, this episode.

7) Ravenica: "I'm warning you, Jett, get in my way, this won't be the only thing I rip in two.. (starts to leave and sniffs) Lavender? You are getting soft." – This is so good.

8) Discord: "Well it's about time. OK, tall, dark, and deadly let's go." – She is talking to Autolycus? So wait…before?

9) Minya: "You think this storm is rough, huh? You should 'a seen the one that struck my village about four years ago." Lila: "Bad?" Minya: "With a capital beta.” – Hahahaa! (In "The Play’s the Thing," they also made a joke about the letter D, as in "delta.")

10) Discord: "Oh, puh-lease. Whaddya think, I'm some kind 'a moron?! Ugh!" – Then she gets bonked in head with chandelier. I laughed harder at this than reasonable.

11) Discordcord: “I don't do animals!" Minya: "That's not what I heard." – Sweet burn.

12) X: "Mom I'm really, really sorry that I suspected you." Cyrene: "I'm not 'cause it's true, I would kill to protect you, Xena. Any mother who loves her child would. Mm. I'm just glad I don't have to."

I think I know where Cyrene got her chandeliers. 

I FEEL like I do nothing but bring up Clue in these reviews, and I'm sure I've posted a similar video, but here is the trailer for Clue (1985), the greatest movie ever made:

 

Ok, now, is this Discord or Elvira: Mistress of the Dark?

I listened to this song the day I watched this episode, and that's really the only excuse I have for posting it. I'm sorry and/or you're welcome. Don't @ me.

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Xena: Season 4, Episode 10: "The Key to the Kingdom"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

"The Jewel of the Nile Episode"

Despite not having Xena or Gabrielle in this episode (there was Lucy Lawless as Meg), this episode was pretty funny and entertaining. A straightforward comedy that's also a bit poignant. And yet again, it's another episode about corruption and stealing from the state/poor.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Soldier: "Careful. This porker's priceless." – Hhahhaahah, fuck

2) Meg: "What are ya/! Stupid or somethin'?! That thing was worth a fortune!" – My family and I have been saying, "What are you? Stupid?" for years. We think it's hilarious. My mother actually just brought it up while I was in Texas without me telling her about this episode.

3) Meg: "Come on! Come on! Make yourselves at home. Ya want some grog? Plenty of grog. Three grogs!" – This is hilarious. Three grogs? Fucking A.

4) Meg: "You'd be surprised what a young, nubile guard will scream out when he's about-" Joxer: "-to meet his maker." – Hahaahhaha! Also, I love that it's accepted that Meg is a sex worker.

5) M/"X": "Be not afraid. I'll not harm you.” – I laughed so hard.

6) Joxer: "Look, Auto! Get this through that thick, thieving skull of yours: Meg has had a hard life, and she needs our help. Now I'm asking you as a friend, lay off of her." Autolycus: "You really like her, don't you? Don't you worry, little buddy. You're dealing with a man of honor." – Intrigued that Autolycus both likes Meg and cares about Joxer. 

7) Kryptos: "Impossible. Our secret police would've told us by now." Meg as Xena: "Oh, secret police?" Ormestin: "Yes?" Meg as Xena: "Well, everybody knows about them.”

8) Meg as Xena: "Does this window face west?" Kry: "Yes. Why?" Meg as Xena: "Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."

9) Joxer: "Hey, you used me. And you used Autolycus! And you used him! Tell me that's not what happened!" Meg: "Nah, that pretty much sums it up." – Classic.

10) Meg: "I got a shamrock, and I know how to use it." Auto: "First of all, it's a chakram. And that thing is made outta wood. Now, give it to me!" [Meg KO's Autolycus with the shamrock.] – I know I should see this shit coming, but it's still just frickin hilarous.

11) Meg: "They just don't understand, Punkin. Well, they can't possible know how it is. See, what I had, now, it wasn't so good. My father, he died when I was really young, and my mom, she tried hard, but why, it just didn't work out. Well, I was left alone to do what I wanted, and I made all my own decisions, and I guess I wasn't too good at that, neither. Things is gonna be different for you. You see those? They're stars. When I was a little girl, I used to think that all those little lights came from houses in the sky, and each one of those houses had a happy family around a cozy fire. And the lights came from all the open windows. And I used to think that at every window, there was a little girl, just like me lookin' out at the other lights. And I wondered what it would be like to be one of them. Well, one day we're gonna be one of those little lights. That's a promise." – Fuuuck, dude.

12) Cleades to Meg: "I wouldn't be here today if someone hadn't risked everything for me. I had to see love, and you showed it to me.” – This line was said wrong. He said it too sexy.

13) Ormestin: "Xena. Two Xena's." X: "That's right. Makes you wanna cry like a baby, doesn't it?" – How is this so brilliant? Xena has the best one-liners, I'm noticing. It's, like, part of her skill set.

14) X: "You do. You've got a warm, caring heart with a lotta love to give." Meg: "For the right price." – I know this was a serious moment, but high-five on that.

15) Meg: "There's a million little lights in the sky, and a million cozy homes, and I ain't never gonna be part of one of `em." X: "Meg, one day it's going to happen for you, and you'll have a family of your own-- not a borrowed one, a family of your own." Meg: "I can't have children." X: "You did a wonderful thing here, Meg. You helped a lot of people because you were able to love one child. And I can't believe that with all the little lights in the sky, that there isn't one waiting for someone like you." – Oh, Meg… Me, too, girl. I am shocked by how deep this is. And also, shit, Xena kind of abandons ship after Meg tells her she can’t have children. Not the most reassuring closing lines I've ever heard. "I'm sure there's a star up there for you! There's so many, there's gotta be one."

I feel this epsiode most closely parallels the sequel to Romancing the Stone known only as Jewel of the Nile (1985). I hate to reveal, but as in Romancing the Stone, the two heroes of the movie are searching for a stone, the precious Jewel of the Nile, which turns out to be a man.

This episode also contains serious references to Three Men and a Baby (1987), the three "men" here being Joxer, Autolycus and Meg.

This is the older version of Lo Pan from Big Trouble Little China. Tell me this wasn't Xena's inspiration for Autolycus's prison-mate.

What I was listening to during at the time of this viewing.

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Xena: Season 4, Episode 6: "A Tale of Two Muses"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

"The Footloose Episode"

You know what, I don’t think I have ever seen this episode.

When I watched Xena in 2009, all of it was streaming on Netflix, and for some reason (known only to god) two episodes were unavailable. (Music rights?) One of them was "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire" and other was this one. I found "Lyre" as a horrible bootleg online, but no such luck for "Tale."

SO. There was an episode of Xena I never watched (besides the last two)! And I frickin love it.

Seriously, before this, I thought Tara was so irritating, that the producers confined her to only one episode. Shocked to see she came back.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES: 

1) G: "My writing has allowed me to express my most inner feelings. I don't know how Id survive without it. I wish you had something like that, Xena." X: "Are you kidding? I got this. [pulls out chakram]" — So aside from this being fucking hilarious, Gabrielle is reading her own poetry, because "A Tale of Two Cities" is a classic literary work and Calliope is the god of poetry.

2) Look, I can't throw a chakram and I don't like staffs, but I can dance!” — Right after she says this, she busts the lamest, most awkward dance move I’ve ever seen. It took me a sec to realize it was supposed to be a dance move. And since when hasn't Tara liked staffs and chakrams? She sure did beat the shit out of Gabrielle that one episode.

3) G: "Is the plan underway?" X: "Ugh." G: "Ugh?…I gotta dance." — Hahhaha! Love the way Gabrielle says this.

4) Andros: "Xena?" X to Tara: "So, off you go again. It was all about the cute guy, wasn't it?" — Xena is referring to Tara’s taking off in the first episode in which Tara appeared, right?

5) X: "So, some of you think that dance is a way to express your inner feelings, it's an art. Well, Filipon has asked me to show you a _real_ art-- the art of war!" — Oh my god the way she says this is fucking hiklarious.

6) Telamon: "How did I do with your speech?" G: "It was fine. You did drop the line about everlasting judgment and posterity." Telamon: "Well, I thought it was a little over the top." G: "Oh, really?" X: "Let it go, Gabrielle."

POLITICAL CORNER:

1) Tara: "I even made money, street-dancing in Thebes. And it breaks my heart that Andros is stuck there, where people aren't even allowed to do that. I wanna change things so that he can." G: "Look, I know people like that. I came from a town just like it. The people aren't going to change, and you're going to get hurt. I think that you should stay with us." — This is a commentary on small conservative towns in the United States (and other places around the world). And look what just happened with Doug Jones in Alabama. The people can change.

2) This whole episode is tooootally what just happened in Alabama with Doug Jones and Roy Moore. I can't even believe it. It's happening now, between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats will take control of everything, because all we wanna do is fucking DANCE.

OK, now, is this Gabrielle or Riverdance? YOU DECIDE:

So this is Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" video. I'm not a big fan of the song, but I admit, I do get excited when I hear it. The video contains mucho clips from the movie:

And here is Kevin Bacon, illegally dancin' it out: 

A song I'm listening to right now with great 80's footage of people dancing in a club:

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 20: "Vanishing Act"

This is the statue one. I love this episode, even though I wouldn't say it's a favorite. I primarily love it for the many chances it takes.

This episode - I don't want to say this, but - is similar to "King Con," in that Xena takes a much harder route to do something she could easily have done without Autolycus. The differences are: 

1) Xena reiterates in this episode, that she's taking an unnecessary route for Autolycus.

2) Their mission doesn't involve a friend who was beaten to within an inch of his life. 

3) Xena and Gabrielle didn't ask Autolycus for his help.

Remember Jasmine, who used to live here but has since moved to Los Angeles? Well, after I watched the whole series in 2009 (when she still lived here), I would tell her about episodes; not many but some. This episode was so funny to me, after watching it in 2009, that I told her about the scene where Xena enters as Ezra. Jasmine has laughed about that scene for years without ever having seen it. To this day, she will bring it up and say, "So! Where are you hiding that statue?" the way I, pretending to be Lucy Lawless, pretending to be Xena, pretending to be Ezra, would say it. It's so fucking funny. While watching this episode the other day, I finally captured that scene on video and sent it to her. She laughed and laughed. We both did.

Useless fact: This also marks two episodes in a row where a character has revealed to Xena that his brother died. Her brother also died, remember.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) Autolycus: “Yeah, nothing besides letting you live inside my body while I risked my life to steal back your shapely corpse, all the while having to endure Gabrielle whining and crying 24 hours a day about, ‘How much she misses Xena!’” — They bring this up all the time with Autolycus. Even in the last episode.

2) X: “Are you quite finished?!” Autolycus: “That depends. Did it work?” X: “It worked.” Autolycus: “Then I’m finished." — Hhahaaha

3) Ezra: “Myopia, I’ve heard of you. They say you used to be good-lookin’. Huh. [Whispers to G] Plan beta, I saw the furnace belching smoke and knew we had to come right a- are you paying attention to me? This is part of his way. [Aloud] So! Where are you hiding that statue?” — This is the scene I conveyed to Jasmine.

4) Autolycus: “What else would you expect from the king of thieves?” X: “Oh, Thebes. I’ve been there.” — It only took three seasons before someone wrote this joke.

5) Ezra: “Hold everything! The party starts here! Ha-ha-ha! Make yourself scarce, Dummy.” — I live for Xena giving herself permission to belittle Autolycus.

6) Tarsus: “I am obligated to tell you that a well-known Silosian general is on his way here to make a bid.” Ezra: “Really? Is he good-lookin’?” Tarsus: “Look, if you have the money here by morning, I’m sure he can’t top your offer.” Ezra: “Oh, it’ll be here. So, tell me more about this naughty general?” — This is hilarious. And let it be known that when Xena is undercover, trying to fit in, she's straight.

7) X: [Beats the shit out of guards] “I just couldn’t begin to think how to do that his way." — A lot of these jokes were low on the radar, but fucking hilarious. I think the whole storyline of Xena being unable to tone down her aggression to align more with Autolycus' catlike grace is easy to miss.

I don't know about you, but I think a solid gold statue deserves the Solid Gold Dancers:

Here is an awesome video of optical illusions:

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 19: "Tsunami"

I actually very much enjoy this episode. It's unique because of its situational, dark and dire setting. I totally remember it.

For the time, the special effects on this were awesome. I’m not kidding, I rewound the tsunami scene a few times. Here, in 2016. It was intense, dawg! In my review I noted the special effects and wondered how accurate that tidal wave was. I've since watched several unbelievable videos of the tsunami that happened in Japan in 2011. The closer the tidal wave gets to land, the more it falls like a wave. Xena and Gabrielle weren't too far from land, as it happened, so I determined the episode was on the mark with its tidal wave presentation. The waves do really fall like that. (At the bottom of this review, I've posted two tsunami videos from 2011, where you can see tidal waves.)

I have to elaborate on my "hated" section. Sorry, I'm going to punch holes in all of this, even though I liked this episode.

1) Like, seriously, why didn’t Xena just kill Macon?.. I don't understand it. She went out of her way to keep him alive, even when he tried to kill people, including Gabrielle. When has that ever been her MO? She acted toward Macon the way our government right now is acting toward Trump and Russia. When do you decide, "him or us?"

2) Petrodes was over the top and awful. You can tell he’s like a stage actor.

3) I didn't buy Xena helping other people before she found Gabrielle after they got hit by the tsunami. While Xena dealt with Thadeus, Gabrielle could've been drowning under a box or something. Bad writing.

4) In how many episodes is Gabrielle going to be taken hostage by knife or rope? God dammit. It seems like it's happened in every single episode. It's lost its seriousness.

5) Again, when the rocks come up through the boat, the boat was tilted at like 160 degrees. They should've been floating in water weighted on one side of the room.

Reading about Mount Etna is also interesting. About 8,000 years ago, part of Etna really did collapse and cause a huge tsunami. Scientists suspect a whole village was abandoned because of it. I think Xena based this episode off of that event.

Also, extra side note to any concerned, I just found out that Atropaic eyes painted on the side of a trireme (ancient boat, like the in this ep) were supposed to ward off bad luck. That's why we keep seeing that. I had no idea!

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) Palm reader: “Perhaps, I misread.” X: “Perhaps. Sorry. Your dinar.” — Love the shit out of this simple joke.

2) X: “If you buy into that kind of thing. Look, your future is less in your palm than in your own two hands. It’s what you make of it.” — Just a quick lesson before the storm.

3) Things Macon says that'll piss you off:

“I got somethin’ you can look at. Betcha’d like it, too."
“Well, whaddya know?! The bitch has bite, after all!”

— Every Trump supporter right now.

4) X: “That’s no rain cloud.” Captain: “She’s right. It’s ash.” X: “The air is full of it. Look at the sea.” — Love the way Xena says this. 

5) Captain: “The water ‘round here’s full of reefs and geysers. But with any luck, we can ride the current away from here.” X: “Do it.” — Love the way Xena says, do it, but she and the captain know at this point that they're fucked.

6) X: “Must be the air that’s trapped in one of the cabins that’s keeping us buoyant, but it won’t last forever.” — Such as the one they're in? I got problems with this episode, you guys!!

7) G: “What are we going to do?” — A question I’ve been asking my friends since November 8th.

8) Macon calls everyone, “Bunch a’ losers!” — I believe Hillary Clinton says these same words while she's impersonating Donald Trump on SNL, and it's hilarious, but it is too frickin' soon to even look at that footage, let alone post it. 

9) X: "Feel the water here.” G: “It’s warm.” X: “The geyser’s on this side of the ship.” — Come on..

10) X: “Whatever you’re hiding from, turn around and face it. I know you can do it. You have to.” Petrodes: “I can’t swim!” — I am seriously a strong advocate for swimming. Love that they brought this up, but Petrodes, when they escape, suddenly knows how to swim.

11) Soraya: “No buts! We’re having a baby, and that’s that." — Uegh! Soraya, shut up. Please!

12) G: “He doesn’t get it, does he?” X: “Not a clue.” — They could easily be talking about PEOTUS.

13) Groaning boat noises were good. I hate to cite Titanic, but that's what’s happening here, and no I'm not posting a video of it.

14) Remember when Macon took that vote? That's how our election should’ve turned out.

15) I was truly surprised no one died.

Here is a video from 2011 that shows tidal waves at the beginning of the footage. (These videos are really hard to watch. Definitely not for the faint of heart.) There are no deaths on camera in these videos. But according to CNN just three weeks ago, the combined total of confirmed dead or missing from the tsunami in Japan was around 22,000.

The second video is longer and more detailed Japanese tsunami footage, but it shows all of the tidal waves captured on film. All the way from 2:15 'til about 11:00.

I wasn't a die-hard fan of Blind Melon, but Petrodes looks like the lead singer. The lead singer passed away in the 90's. Man, this is a depressing review. Sorry!

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 08: "The King of Assassins"

"The King of Assassins"

OK, I don’t remember this episode. Like AT ALL. As in, I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen it before. If I wasn’t 99% certain I have seen it, I’d say it was new to me. I’m almost wondering if I somehow missed it during the 2009 viewing. Otherwise, “King of Assassins” is just what the doctor ordered. Sure it starts out slow, but it gains momentum in the tail.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 13: "The Quest"

Gang, big changes in my life these past couple of weeks. I've now been promoted (on my 4th day at my new job) to office manager and administrative assistant to the main partner of my company. They are sending me to school for further training and footing the bill. Can you believe that shit? Now, the big question is, WILL my Xena posts lessen or become more frequent? Only time will tell.

Ok, let's just get this out of the way right now: The woman who played Velasca (Melinda Clarke) is the same actress who played what's-her-face's mother on the O.C. She was as magnificent on that show as she was on Xena. Yes, she got her start on Xena: Warrior Princess. Is it any wonder that she achieved such fame afterward? No. 

[SERIES SPOILER] Other goodies are coming our way further in the series in the way of random celebrity appearances. The most infamous one takes place in season 5, I believe. [END SPOILER]

And now, Xena's "The Quest"... not to be confused with the 80s movie by the same name.

Immediately, the first thing everyone thinks of when summoning this episode is that kiss. MAN... I remember being… blindsided by this kiss. I recall watching it at home (maybe I was 18) and being just shocked. And elated that this show would have the balls to do something like that. I couldn't believe it. Xena doesn’t fuck around.

Upon my initial write-up of this review, I gave the episode seven stars. I might come back and change it to eight. We’ll see.

 

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS: 

1) V: “Gabrielle. Princess. A word with you, please.” – Love how she says this.

2) G: "Prepare the ceremonial pyre. Xena will have an Amazon funeral. I’ll take her ashes to Amphipolis, and I’ll return to rule as Queen.” - I’ve never seen Gabrielle look more beautiful.

3) A: “Gabrielle, Xena’s inside me. Her mind, her soul, her essence - whatever. It’s in here with me and she wants me to steal her body.” X: “Ah, that’s so pathetic.” G: “You’re so pathetic.” – This is fucking hilaAarious.

4) G: “Autolycus, what is going on? Why is Xena in your mind?” A: “Oh-ho, now you believe me. Ow! Does she work out for those stunts?” G: “Where is she?” A: “I-I don’t know. Stop that.” – I love how eager Gabrielle is to know. She’s touching Autolycus and investigating him with the curiosity of a cat.

5) X: “Autolycus, I’m going to speak through you. Give me control.” A: “No, wait. We have an agreement. I have a right- Yes, Gabrielle, it’s me." – I love how she doesn’t wait for his consent.

6) A: “Well, I.. hope you two worked things out.” G: “We did. Thank you. I mean that.”

7) V: “It’s not whether you die; it’s how you die that counts. Let me tell you something about myself. I like pain. I like what it does to people, and I like what it makes people do. And I’m not bragging. I’m just explaining.” – God.

8) A: “Well, my lockpick’s in my other shirt. If only I had just a small, sort of um.. Would you put that hand right there? And that hand there? Now, don’t worry, this is business, not pleasure. Well, mostly business. Huh-ha-ha. Hold it.” – I love that this happens. Thank you, whoever wrote this.

9) X: “Despite all your bluster and bravado, Autolycus, you’re a nice person. I knew I could trust you. I always will.” - Awwww.

10) G: “You know, for a few moments, I knew what it was like to be you.” X: “And?” G: “It was warm, friendly, loving-” X: “Gabrielle, it was a fight.” G: “I felt protected.”- If you really think about what she's saying, that's pretty intense. 

Steve Martin's body under the control of Lily Tomlin in All of Me:

 

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Xena: Season 1, Episode 17: "The Royal Couple of Thieves"

I love this episode and could not stop laughing (thank god). We're introduced to the quick-witted King of Thieves and the Ten Commandments, the oddest pairing since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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Madonna demonstrates pressure point techniques: 

 

 

Beatrix kills Bill with the Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique: 

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