Xena: Season 6, Episode 01: "Coming Home"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"They Can't All Be 'Fallen Angel'"

Not the biggest bang I’d hoped for, but not bad for the buck. I wanted to hit pause so many times, you guys. Lots of good stuff here.

First of all, there are new opening credits! They appear to be clips from Seasons 5 and 6, if I'm not mistaken, and I never am.

Safe to say that Xena - both Furied and non-Furied - has the best lines in the episode. A gift. 

Of course about halfway-in, Xena apologizes to Gabrielle for the whole chakram thing that happened the episode prior, and it was so obvious a show's APOLOGY TO THE AUDIENCE, that I had to wonder if's ever happened before.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "Maybe he wants to see you again. After all, he does have a thing for you." X: "Nah, he wants something." G: "My point exactly." – Come on, Xena walked right into that one.

2) Ares: “No more excuses! I want that village!" Captain: "But, sir why don't you use your powers to blast them into oblivion?" Ares: "Where's the fun in that? Now, get moving.” – I kinda love this dialogue, "But sir!"

3) Ares: "I don't do mortal at all well. I'm more of a, um, now what is that word? Um - GOD." – As soon as Ares talked like this, I knew it would be a good Ares episode. He’s best when he’s whiny.

4) F/X: "This greater good thing gets old, right?" Ares: "Never tried it." – Hahaha, didn’t see that joke coming.

5) F/X: "To ask me for help?" Ares: "Yeah that sucked." F/X: "And all because you did a good deed. Was it worth it?" Ares: "Let me get back to you on that one." F/X: [Xena kisses Ares. Gabrielle walks in and sees them.] F/G: "What are you doing?" Ares: "To think I actually saved your life." F/G: "Xena [incredulous]" F/X: "Gabrielle I thought you were watchin' the Amazons."

6) Ares: "What happened to the peace-loving blonde chick you used to be?" F/G: "Ares, that Gabrielle's been gone a long time. You and Xena showed me that warriors rule the world, not philosophers." Ares [Puts his arms around both of them.]: "I could get used to this. I could."

7) Varia: "Then you can fight me, now. Come on. Hit me." Eve: "I'm not looking for trouble." Varia: "I live for trouble." Eve: "Believe me, you don't wanna make me angry." – Or maybe you do, Varia. Fuck!

8) Ares: "I'll tell my commander to prepare for an all-out assault. [Tries to snap himself to the commander, it doesn’t work.] I have got to get that ambrosia. I will never get used to walking everywhere." F/X: "Oh, and Ares, when we do get the ambrosia why don't we split it four ways? We could create Olympus on Earth." Ares: "Four ways? Nasty. Sounds great.” – I will never get tired of Ares sexually-charged jokes.

10) Ares: "Sh! Not so loud." Blacksmith: "Uh, beg your pardon, my lord." Ares: "You got a point there." Blacksmith: "Uh, I have? I thought I filed them all down." - It's been a long time since a bit part had such a funny joke.

11) Ares: "War, baby! Come on. You were hot for it before." X: "Ares, there's not going to be any war." Ares: "Oh you are such a kidder. No war. Don't touch me." G: "He has lost his mind." – Love the way G says this.

12) Varia: "I was right, you were a serious warrior. Don't you miss it? I mean, the knot in your stomach as you prepare for war?" Eve: "The quiet after a tough battle." Varia: "Yeah." Eve: "Victory snatched from the jaws of defeat, death so close, then suddenly driven away. No I don't miss it."

13) Varia: "Will you teach me some moves?" Eve: "Will you use them to hurt others?" – Uuuuh, maybe you should, Varia. And maybe you should start with your Mistress, Eve.

14) Varia: "Admit you enjoyed teaching me that." – OH MY GOD.

15) Varia: “You’re Livia, the bitch of Rome.” – The show's really gotta stop saying this, if they want me to take them seriously.

16) Marga: "Her army attacked us at night and many of our best warriors were killed." Varia: "They were the lucky ones." G: "Lucky to die?" – This had to be spelled out, did it.

17) Marga: "Our law says Eve must die." G: "I can't let that happen, Marga." Marga: "Are you challenging me." G: "If it comes to that, I am challenging you." Marga: "That Roman did save my life, and we do need Xena. We'll wait until after this is resolved before we deal with her." – Love that Gabrielle takes the lead on this and Xena doesn't say a word.

18) Marga: "Varia! Obey me! Take her to the hut and bind her!" – …I mean...

19) X: "That sword had better be for Ares' men. What Eve did to your people is unforgivable but she is my daughter. And if anything happens to her while she's in your custody, you'll have me to deal with. And trust me...You ain't ready for that." – God damn that’s an awesome line.

20) Eve: “If only they knew how sorry I am." X: "I know how hard it is to say you're sorry, especially to someone you love. Gabrielle, when I hit you with my chakram-" G: "Xena it wasn't your fault, it was The Furies. They drove me to try to kill your daughter. I've forgiven you. You should, too." X: "I nearly lost you." – It’s hard watching the writers explain-away “the incident” like this. Wish I could've fit this moment into my one-pager, but it didn't embody the episode. Important though.

21) F/X: "What's the matter? Can't get your rocks off?" Ares: "What?" F/X: It's embarrassing." – Hahahaha! What the fuck.

22) F/X: "You're a pathetic mortal, who couldn't think his way out of a papyrus sack." – Hokey ancient joke.

23) Ares: "No, no, see, you can't talk that way to me anymore, because if it wasn't for mEeEeEeEeEeEeEee!...your little friend and your crazed brat would be dead!" – Hahahahaha

24) Ares: "What are you lookin' at?! Don't look at me! What are you lookin' at?! Do _not_ look at me!" – Love this little bit.

25) X: "Ares, it's The Furies. The Furies! Do you hear me?! They're driving you insane." Ares: "No, it is youUuuUuuUu!..who are driving me insane!” – Excellent, just excellent.

26) Ares: "You don't bring me flowers anymore. No you hate me. You have always hated me! I tried to give you Olympus! I tried to give you everything! But you stabbed me in the back!" X: "We just didn't want the same things." Ares: "Liar! You want it. You want the power, but you're too much of a coward to admit it.” – Wait, but did she really used to bring him flowers, or is he making a joke in the middle of a breakdown? Probably the latter, but a girl can imagine.

27) Ares: “You took it all, you betrayed me. [Laughs] Laugh, come on! But you're not gonna live to enjoy it." – Hahahaha, this is an awesome meltdown by Ares.

28) X: "All right, Ares. This is between you and me." Ares: "Yeah, yeah, Xena. Take a number. I'll get to you." X: "What's the matter, god of war? You afraid of a girl?" – NOICE.

29) X: "You're losing it. Oh, and Ares, gods don't bleed. Care to explain that to your loyal troops?" – TOIGHT.

30) Ares: “I loved you, Xena.” – God, how many times are we going to hear this.

31) Ares: "Mortality stinks not to mention hurts." X: "Yeah, it does sometimes." Ares: "You have got a wicked right jab." X: "Sorry about that." – Is this the episode of everyone just tiddlywinking around cleaning a wound? Xena is doinggg what to Ares’ face?

32) Ares [Brief Sigh]: "It's not the end of the world. Who knows? Maybe as a mortal I can experience something I never could as a god." X: "Like what?" Ares: "Like you." X: "You never give up, do you?"

33) Ares: "I guess I'm finally gettin' to you." X: "You always got to me, but you were bad for me, Ares. You still are." Ares: "Xena, is there even a chance we could be together one day? I don't know, maybe, you know, one in a thousand?" X: "More like one in a billion." Ares: "So you're sayin' there is a chance." – Someone somewhere made a similar joke once and I can’t remember which movie or show it was. Maybe That 70’s Show?…I’ll think of it.

I listened to this song this day, and it...makes sense to me re: Coming Home. Thank you.

Xena: Season 3, Episode 01: "The Furies"

 "THE FURIES"

God dammit, I love this god damned, mother fucking episode. Very good starter ep, as all Xena season-openers are. It beholds some of the best lines and funniest shit I’ve ever seen on Xena. 

When I first saw "The Furies," I was about 18 or 19 and thought the battle in the beginning was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever seen on TV. Then I watched it again (I would usually record every episode on VHS and rewatch it all week long), and I laughed and laughed. This ep is one I’ve seen a hundred times. So much happens, so let’s jump right in.

It's impossible to sum everything up on the review page, so here follows a few elaborations. 

Lucy Lawless’s utter commitment to comedy during the fight scene. 

I have nothing specific to point out here, but it's so amazing and multifaceted that it requires its own section.

Xena calls Gabrielle "Mavis."

I will never get over this. Why “Mavis,” you know? That is so god damned funny. It's a hilarious name, no doubt, and if your name just happens to be Mavis and you’re watching this show, then what? You’re probably going to laugh really hard, because there’s just no rhyme or reason to it. WHO picked it?

Xena threatens a village butt-naked. 

I love this scene, because either due to the angle at which it’s shot or just the concept in general, you get to see a different side to how powerful Xena is, physically. I’m not sure if we're talkin' body double or what (I think not), but Xena is really god damned tall! She towers over everything and her stance is so strong, like she’s immovable. We see her in stark relief as this beautiful, hulking super hero, who's lost her mind. I can see a crazy person walking into a village nude like this. I believe it. 

And I love, love, love Gabrielle’s poignant rationalization with her. She makes Xena realize the situation, then we see Xena's confusion and helplessness with her own madness. Compelling and heavy stuff.

Ares as Xena's father? 

The most amazing thing to come out of this episode: Ares might be Xena’s father. I mean, they fight, and she beats him, which vouches for the idea that she’s half god, so… that sure would explain a lot. The theory is never proven wrong. Going forward, for those who continue the series, this possibility stays in the back of the viewer's mind for Xena.

Great performances.

Seriously. Solid work by everyone.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

CLICK HERE for full page view.

CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRAS: 

1) X: (referring to the chakram, which she spins like a basketball) “This thing is great. And to think I’ve been using it all these years as a weapon.”

2) G: “Why don’t you put the pinch on him?” - I love this. "The pinch." So casual!

3) X: "I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other pertinent body parts. So, tell me, how old were you when you lost your virginity?” G: “Xena." X: "Shut up, Mavis, this is important.” Villain: “Fourteen." X: "Come on.” Villain: "OK, OK, nineteen, nineteen."- Hahahahaahah! This is so effing funny.

4) G: "Where are you going?” X: "To get something to eat. I'm starved.” - I love the way Xena says this. Like royalty.

5) G: "There are many crimes which the Furies punish with madness.” X: "Why are you telling me this? I'm not crazy.” - This is so fucking funny. I love Xena!

6) X: “I have an interesting choice, now. I can kill you, or I can spend the rest of my life shuttling between babbling idiocy and vivid clarity. Did you know that sanity is just a veil that the gods throw over our eyes to stop us from seeing the truth?” Cyrene: "What is the truth, Xena?” X: “That life is a joke! It's a barroom joke at that! And you know what the punchline is? The punchline is, that no matter what we do, we still end up as food for the worms.” - I love this whole speech, the writing and Lucy’s presentation.

7) X: "Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills.” - Iiiiii fucking love this line. It could be my favorite line of the entire show.

8) X: "Ah, but I'm quite batty, Ares, and I have limited choices. Madness is a rotten way to go through life.” - This is so sad.

9) A: "Well, I heard what you said to your mother. And you were right of course, what you said about life.” X: "I was ranting.” A: "Like a prophet. Xena, you were never so close to the truth.” X: "If you're trying to convince me that life's worth living, this is not a good strategy.” - Who the hell wrote this episode?? It’s so god damn good.

10) A: “No, life isn't worth living. It's to be taken, and beaten, and wrestled, and formed in your image. That's where the meaning lies, in what you can twist life into. For those who just endure life, yeah, it is a very nasty joke. But for those who form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the way.” X: "I must be crazy. You're beginning to make sense.” - This totally makes sense and how fascinating that Ares is the one to say it. Every audience member jumps right on board with her at this point.

11) C: "Xena, you're all right.” X: "I'm anything but all right, Mother.” - This line is unexpectedly hilarious. The chemistry is there.

12) X: “Tell me, Mother. When you and Daddy were rolling around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good?” - Uuuh, that’s really graphic.

13) Head Fury: (referring to Cyrene) “She’s the murderess? (Ares nods) And the avenging party? (he indicates Xena)” - Fucking funny.

14) X: (Xena raises the knife to sacrifice Cyrene and stops.) “Why am I doing this?” A: "She killed your father. You have to avenge his death or the Furies will torment you for eternity. Yadda, yadda, yadda - go!” X: "All right.” - Xena’s face when she says this is pure comedic gold. God, this episode is so good!

15) X: “But the best bit- the best bit of all, and this is a proud daughter talking, is when I kill Mom, thereby dooming myself forever to insanity and complete dependence on you.” - "Proud daughter" - Ha!

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