Xena: Season 6 Pre-Thoughts [SPOILERS]

Look, if you haven't seen Season 6, be warned: this entire post is a spoiler for Season 6. I just want you to know that. If you don't want it spoiled, get outta here and watch Season 6. If you've already seen Season 6, go forth, my child.

THIS WHOLE ENTRY IS A SPOILER.  

 Now's your chance to save yourself. 

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Ooooohhhh my god, I am SO. FREAKIN. EXCITED. about Season 6..."Y’ALL." I’m practically squealing like a little bitty pig. You’d have to see it to believe it. I mean, there’s so much good fucking shit coming up. Anymore and I couldn’t stand it!

It’s true, Season 5 was much better than I remembered, but it didn’t leave me warm like Season 4 did. Season 5 was good but detached, like a sandwich with no condiments. A half-flat Coca Cola. A 2-year-old battery in your cell phone. Frank Ocean’s Blonde album. Season 9 of Friends. I could go on, but what I’m basically saying is, Season 5 wasn’t a deal breaker. As is said of David Bowie, even bad Xena is good Xena, and I’ll never say no to watching a troubled season.

Now, Season 6? Well…I think you just have no idea what’s about to happen to you. Season 6 houses the deepest episodes, the most imaginative episodes, the most surprising episodes…the gayest episodes.

If it tells you anything, take a look at the box set details in the post before this. You’ll see that every picture in and of the Season 6 box set is Xena or Gabrielle. This is the first time it’s been just them. The other seasons contain other characters, such as Joxer, Callisto, Ares. That is all you need to know about Season 6.

Season 6 is a different show with different rules. While Season 5 faltered in the most disappointing way, it still played in the same arena as the other seasons. With Season 6, production knew it would be the last, so they let their creative champagne flow. I recall being shocked as fuck by some of the things that happened in Season 6.

Such as:

1. Xena grapples with a Groot-like monster
2. Xena has a past as a Valkyrie
3. There’s a fucking Sleeping Beauty episode, during which Xena is the one to wake Gabrielle
4. Gabrielle leads the remaining Amazons in a horrible battle that they win but practically wipes them out
5. Gabrielle, for the first time, plans to assassinate a ruler, like Xena did to Ming T’ien in Season 3
6. It takes a minute, but the show eventually leaves Eve behind
7. Xena and Gabrielle take-up with Ares on a farm, thus serving us a hillbilly episode
8. Alti makes an appearance
9. Another hilarious episode done in the spirit of “A Day in the Life”
10. There’s yet another chick trying to replace Gabrielle? Am I remembering right?
11. Xena gives Gabrielle a poem from fucking Sappho
12. Aphrodite isn’t doing so great and kisses Gabrielle
13. Gabrielle almost dies from a fight with locals, during which she and Xena say some amazing things
14. The greatest Xena episode of all time, in which Xena and Gabrielle straight up fall in love with each other
15. Xena dies

And this is just the stuff I can remember.

I’m so psyched to watch Season 6, I’m almost paralyzed. I do hope to complete my reviews quickly though, like in the next three months or <. Once I’m done, it will have taken me seven god damn years to review the series. I have nothing else to say about that.

In 2009, Season 5’s dispassionateness hit me like a truck, an injury I marinated in for a few days. Desperate for respite, I took to the world wide web for anything positive about Season 6. Upon reading fan reactions to Season 6, I was saved and explosively, murderously happy to learn that Season 6 not only rebounds from Season 5, but that it *surpasses* all other seasons of Xena. “How is that possible?” I wondered privately and aloud. It’s so, so rare for a last season - especially from the 90’s - to be greater than the others. I can’t think of one, actually, besides Xena: Warrior Princess.

Why is Season 6 so good? I’m gonna go with the fact that it’s filled with new writers and directors who were fans of the show. Some writers were even filched from the ranks of Xena fanfic on the 'net. Sadly, missing from this season’s roster are writers Chris Manheim and Steven L. Sears, both Xena staples throughout every season who wrote some of my favorite episodes.

Just volunteering these statistics for no reason at all: Nine episodes of Season 6 were written solely by women. Only one episode was cowritten by a woman and man. To compare:

• Season 5 has only four episodes written solely by a woman and that woman was Chris Manheim. Three other episodes were cowritten by women and men.
• Season 4 has six episodes written solely by women, with four co-written by women and men.
• Season 3 also has six episodes written solely by women, and five cowritten by women and men.
• Season 2 has three episodes written by Chris Manheim, and six cowritten by women and men.
• Season 1 has five episodes written solely by women, and four cowritten by women and men.

Now, am I saying that this makes a difference? You tell me.

HAPPY WATCHING!!

Xena: Season 6 Box Set Detail

Note: every image in the Season 6 DVD Box Set is of Xena and Gabrielle. A first. I know nothing.

 

 

Outer and inner box

Outer and inner box backs

Beyond pissed about the fucking crease on Xena's forehead when you open this box set. This is the first time I've opened it.

Interior and discs

Back completely unfolded

Xena: Season 5 Pre-Thoughts [SPOILERS]

Nothing but Season 5 spoilers in here, chappy. Consider yourself well-warned. Consider yourself part of the family.

THIS WHOLE ENTRY IS A SPOILER.  

 Now's your chance to save yourself. 

Turn back now. 

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OK, I feel like I got through Season 4 pretty quick, right?? I said a would, and i did, because a Tate never goes back on her word.

Season 4 was the sauce on my spicy wings. It was the tits in a bra, the Selena HEB bag that sold out in four minutes, the diamond no one will ever give me. It will never happen again [SERIES SPOILER] It can be argued very nearly accurately that it does happen again in Season 6, but I'm goin' off right now. Leave me alone. [END SERIES SPOILER]  

That said ... I do not like Season 5. Sure, it starts with an absolute bang of brilliant white light, but that's about it. This season has the coldest episodes, the dumbest episodes, the wrongest episodes ... the straightest episodes. You think you know how they're going to be, but trust me, you don't.

There are good episodes in here, but as a whole, you won't see anything close to the caliber of the first four seasons. This is, what I would call, the worst season of Xena. I hope to change my mind during this watch, but I'm not holding my breath. Any breath-holding will be done during all these stinky episodes.

That's not to say nothing happens in Season 5! Actually, somehow, A LOT of fucking shit happens. Such as:

1) Xena and Gabrielle come back from the dead and go to heaven
2) Xena, as a fallen angel, switches places with Callisto to save her soul
3) A second chakram emerges. It joins with the original to make an awesome, splitting chakram!
4) Xena gets pregnant (because Lucy Lawless was pregnant in reality)
5) Xena goes into a huge battle with Ming Tien again and kills him again using the way (because she’s pregnant)
6) Xena has a girl and names her Eve
7) Xena and Gabrielle die again, kinda. Ares stows them away until they can be resurrected
8) They do get resurrected about 25 years later
9) The worst Xena episode ever
10) Another pretty sweet musical episode
11) Eve turns into the dark version of herself, like Xena did. Xena and Gabrielle gotta turn her around and eventually do
12) Xena’s daughter is annoying
13) Xena and Gabrielle kill aaAaall the gods except for a couple

See, there IS GOOD STUFF! There's just also an excess of disappointing stuff. Regardless, I am so excited to jump in. I do hope to finish quicker than Season 4, even though Season 4 was pretty quick! In the words of someone somewhere (but maybe me for the first time), "Is that your jockstrap? Cuz I'm using it as a slingshot."

When I first saw Season 5 in 2009, I didn’t realize the show was going to get better in Season 6. I hadn’t read anything about the series; I just watched the whole thing. Season 5 really started looking bleak and I remember fretting to my friends about it. I was so depressed and upset. The deeper I went, the more poorly-written and tone-deaf each episode became, with almost zero subtext between Xena and Gabrielle. I think one of them even makes out with a man. No fun time between them, except at the beginning. Xena was looking like..well.. Hercules. (shudders) And that’s not what I’m here for, folks. (Especially now, with Kevin Sorbo being a total asshole-trump-supporter-bigot. No thanks.)

Looking for answers as to why Season 5 sucked so bad, I read that Hercules ended when Xena Season 4 ended, and the Hercules writers were, for some dumbass reason, transferred over to Xena to write Season 5. I think this is one of the worst and most unfortunate mistakes in television history. Why put new writers, who don’t know the characters, on a show currently in full stride? And why pick-up writers who just tanked another show?? That’s not how shit works, and so Xena was done a serious injustice.

I hope to understand more fully what happened in Season 5. It might be that I could narrow-down the episodes that poisoned it to specific writers and directors.

Xena: Season 5 Box Set Detail

Outer and inner box

Outer and inner box backs

Look how hot Ares is when you open this box set. I'm gay and even I was like, "Hello."

Interior and discs

Back completely unfolded

Xena: Season 4, Outtakes

Promise it'll brighten your mood!

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Xena: Season 4 Summary

I said the shit couldn’t go down any further than it did in Season 3, but apparently it has. We are balls-deep in Xena greatness right now. I can handle it. The question is, can you.

Let’s be adults about this and discuss what just happened to us:

1. Xena gets involved with a budding Amazon tribe
2. We meet Alti
3. Xena’s bloody past with the Amazons is revealed
4. Alti shows Xena the crucifixion vision
5. Gabrielle comes back from an ashen death
6. So does Hope
7. Hope has a baby, an awesome monster
8. Hope gets killed again, along with her newborn child
9. Xena’s first line dance (hopefully not the last)
10. Najara sweeps into our lives
11. We meet Eli (Jesus)
12. Gabrielle gets her new haircut
13. India
14. The girls experiences their future lives
15. We meet Amarice
16. The stupid way of non-violence
17. Gabrielle violently kills a shitload of men
18. Caesar dies
19. Xena and Gabrielle are crucified, die and go to heaven

Season 4 wasn’t playing around, y’all. My ass cheeks are red, my knees are bruised, my mascara is running and there's blood coming out of my ears. If the entire series were a sword, Season 4 is the business end.

I’m seeing now that our team died this season, as previously indicated.

Series Death-count So Far ...  

Xena: 3

Gabrielle: 3

QUALITY: The picture quality is noticeably better. You can tell the crew and cinematographers are really stepping-up their game as the series progresses.

RANK: Man, I loved all the seasons, but this was not a hard choice. I can’t even believe Xena: Warrior Princess messed me up this badly. Favorites numbered 14, beating Season 3’s 13, Season 2’s 12 and Season 1’s 7.

Favorite Seasons Rank:

1) Season 4
2) Season 3
3) Season 2
4) Season 1
5)
6) 

Going into the technicality of the rankings: Season 3 had nine episodes with an 8-star ranking. NINE. Season 4 only has four of those, but Season 4 has zero bad episodes. Every episode in Season 4 is strong, whereas Seasons 2 and 3 each house one or two poor episodes. In addition to the persistent good episodes, Season 4 shifted gears in tone, as evidenced by how much I cried. It went harder than 3 and I thought 3 was pretty damn hard.

Even now, I am still questioning myself like, “Am I sure ‘Devi’ isn’t a favorite? Would my lowest Season 3 favorite hold up to ‘Devi?’” These are things one must ask herself if she dare review a TV show. It’s a big responsibility. And if "Devi" is just as good or better than my lowest-regarded Season 3 fave, well then somethin’s gotta give, little girl. 

SUBTEXT: Damn, Daniel, was there subtext in Season 4. Ho-hooooly shit. A few highlights:

1. Xena journeys all the way into the afterlife to find Gabrielle
2. We see Xena might've engaged in yet a second pre-Gabrielle lesbian relationship with Alti's apprentice Anokin
3. The whole season, Xena is openly all about her love and devotion to Gabrielle
4. Najara is completely obsessed with Gabrielle, gayly, and perhaps the feeling is mutual
5. Xena admits her weakness is Gabrielle
6. Xena and Gabrielle continue to argue like a couple
7. Lots of Gabrielle and Xena massages
8. Lots of Gabrielle and Xena bathing together
9. Lots of vagina jokes 
10. Lots of villains using Xena or Gabrielle as bait for the other
11. Gabrielle forsakes Jesus and her entire being, when she kills a bunch of dudes to protect Xena
12. Before their deaths, Xena tells Gabrielle that she was the best thing in her life, and Gabrielle tells Xena she loves her
13. Modern day Xena and Gabrielle kiss each other

NO DUDES get kisses from our gals this season, and I maintain that Xena and Gabrielle are "together" this season, even more so than the last. There wasn't a single episode to test them. Women were fighting over Gabrielle for Christ's sake, and JUST. LOOK. at "The Ides of March."

As much as I dog Season 5, I am really looking forward to it, because I love all of Xena. There's no frickin way I'd consider not watching a whole season. Mostly, I hope I’m wrong about Season 5, that I remember it wrong, or that I let one bad episode blind me to the rest.

Furthermore, when watching Season 4, Episode 2: "Adventures in the Sin Trade, Pt. 2," I made a note to myself to point out that this is Lucy Lawless's best-acted season. I feel that was a hot take and I might have to change my mind after Season 6. I would say it's Renee O'Connor's too, but hers might be Season 5, since she has to get creative with the poor direction of her character.

Behold! Another fabulous Season Summary:

Xena: Season 4, Episode 2: "Adventures in the Sin Trade II"

Alternative Title: Xena: Blood and Fur II

Ain't no doubt, I've said before that one of the things I love about this show is the creativity. To have the future told about what are obviously upcoming episodes is such a treat.  

[SPOILER] I remember watching this episode for the first time (which was back in 2009, remember) and had no idea that the crucifixion would come true and that they would actually fucking die. And they way they died was something I was not expecting from all that Xena was up until this point. [END SPOILER]

Another note, we are reminded when Xena puts the pinch on herself, she been on the receiving end and felt the pain of every fighting maneuver she has ever utilized, several times. It is how she learns. Really love this detail.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

  CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) [Xena cracks Otere’s neck in the spa.] Otere: “That felt great.” X: “A little more pressure, and you can kill someone with that move.” — It isn't the most comforting thing I’ve heard from a chiropractor, but it's certainly not the worst. 

2) X: “We make camp here, tonight. Set up a charm ring around the camp. That ought to keep Alti and her demon friends busy for a while.” — So wear that outfit you like and bat my lashes like a whore. Got it.

3) Cyane: “You know, you have the potential to be the greatest of women warriors. At heart, you’re an Amazon, whether you believe it or not.” — I have always thought this was true about Xena, too.

4) Cyane: “And you don’t want that baby inside of you to grow up with a murderer for a mother, do you?” X: “I’m already a murder, Cyane. Becoming an Amazon won’t change that.” Cyane: “You’re a murderer because you still think and act like one. Join us. We can teach you a new way, a new code to live by.” — I don't know what to say here. It just seems important.

POLITICAL CORNER:

1) Basically, Xena tells the Amazon youth that she was a trump supporter and voted for trump (Alti), but then after the election (slaughter), she changed sides and told them they all need to join together to defeat trump. I would be pretty fucking hesitant, too.

This is Terry from Just One of the Guys (1985). Otere reminds me of her. Couldn't find a great picture of Otere, but if I could, it would be of her with her headdress off.

Here's the Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000) tree fighting scene, which came two years AFTER this episode, but who's paying attention to this stuff, honestly... Seriously though, aren't these kinds of fighting tree scenes legendary in kung fu movies? I think they are, I'm too lazy at this moment to look it up.

 

Yes, I was legit listening to this in the weeks of viewing this episode. It's appropriate. These women are wild, god dammit. Wild in love. Don't @ me.

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Xena: Season 4, Episode 1: "Adventures in the Sin Trade"

Alternative Title: 
Xena: Blood and Fur

The more I watch this, the more I frickin love it. Xena wiping blood on her forehead and gyrating like she's summoning the foot soldiers of hell?? Yaaas, kween!

In similar but not other news, the planned Xena reboot has been announced as DEAD since my last review. They're not moving forward with bringing our goodness back.

• On the one hand, my heart!! It could've been amazing. A writer from Lost was going to write Xena and Gabrielle as the lovers we all know they are but can't verify. Think about how intense that would've been.
• On the other, "THANK GOD." Can we really trust someone to do it right? Do it as good or better than Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor? I dunno...Only time won't tell.

Technically, one thing I will say I'm just about sick of are the fucking spoilers in the DVD presentation. Like all the pics.

[SPOILER (BUT KINDA NOT BECAUSE THEY SHOW THIS TO YOU ON THE FUCKING DVD CASE, WHICH IS WHY I'M COMPLAINING):] On the DVD case, there is one, fat, glorious picture of Xena hanging on a cross in winter. See, I don't want to fucking remember that. I want to be surprised. And what about those who haven't seen the frickin show? [END SPOILER (BUT NOT REALLY)]

I admit, probably the last half of the third season, I watched on Netflix, because I didn't have access to a (working) DVD player. These first three eps of season 4, I watched on DVD on my new computer. The quality is very poor, but I fucking love it. I'm in a tiny apartment on 34th Street in Manhattan right now, but I'm going to try to get my TV and DVD player out of storage, scrounge-up some wireless headphones, and watch the shit out of this show.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA NOTES:

1) The title of this episode also could've been “Fringe.”

2) Ok, so like many before me, I love Alti. And here she is, brand new, in season 4, episode 1.

3) Why does Xena care so much about Anokin? ...Did that girl put a sexy spell on her? Maybe Alti did. Am I supposed to be asking these questions?

4) We’re supposed to understand there’s a northern branch of Amazons, never mentioned before, and that they all understand the role of the shaman?

5) There are so many levels and timelines happening here:

• Amazon afterlife
• Current, live timeline
• Dark Xena timeline and
• Dark Xena Amazon afterlife timeline

6) Again, when Xena wakes up with all the young Amazons there: Beyond Thunderdome

7) Xena remembers the gauntlet. I frickin love it. She’s so hot going through it. 

8) [SPOILER] Xena makes the same cry face in this episode that she does in the last episode of the season. [END SPOILER]

EXTRA QUOTES:

9) X: “My mind has lost its center.” — I think this about 20 times a day.

10) Dead Amazon: “You’re the one who gave me a decent funeral. Now you, too, are in the land of the dead. I thank you, mourn for you.” X: “Don’t mourn for me. I’m not dead.” — Oh, Xena! Always keepin' it real!!

11) X: "You’re as soft as a pig’s belly. And what’s all this talk about our baby and us?! I swear, if you use the word, “Family,” I’m gonna puke.” — She said sweetly.

12) Alti: “You wanna know what they are. Your friend you told me about, Lao Ma, her powers come from denial, from self-sacrifice, from the light. That’s not for people like you and me. I wanna tap into the heart of darkness, the sheer, naked will behind all craving, hatred, and violence. I’ll become the face of death itself, capable of destroying not only a person’s body, but their soul. Help me, and I’ll make you ‘Destroyer of Nations’.” - Really love Claire Stansfield's delivery here. This is what makes me like her.

13) X: “I can’t. Gabrielle, I can’t. You know, nothing would make me happier than seeing you again. You were my light. But I just realized what it was that you gave me a light of my own. There’s something I gotta do, something you’d want me to do. I love you.”

14) O: “The Berserker!” X: “That’s the Berserker?!” O: No! That’s the Berserker!” - The only light moment in the ep.

15) X: “As we get closer to her stronghold, she’ll get stronger and stronger. This new power that she has, the ones that make you relive your past, it’s a toughie.” - Sorry, it’s a WHAT?

Before I watched this episode, this was the only Anokin I knew. Not sure who came first. If you know, please feel free to school me. Feel free to school us all. (I was going to show a movie clip of adult Anakin, but these movies are so fucking terrible, I just couldn't do it.) 

Re: the flashbacks, I know I just posted this video last episode, but it still demonstrates my point, and IT'S ALL THERE IS.

The Berserker's garb looks similar to Rexor's and Thorgrim's from Conan the Barbarian (1982):

Y'all this episode marks Zoe Bell's first episode with Xena. God, she's amazing. [SERIES SPOILER] Any coincidence that she joined for what was the first truly great season of Xena? I think not. [END SPOILER:]

This is the closest thing to what I wanted to show from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. If I'd had my way, the scene I would have displayed here would be of the children finding Mad Max out-cold in the desert and then them gathered around him as he wakes within their domain. 

I really have no excuse for this, other than everything else I was listening to during this time was inappropriate for the first episode of Season 1. Yes, it's the original "Bittersweet Symphony."

 

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Xena: Season 4 Pre-Thoughts

These are Season 4 spoilers, first of all. Know what you're getting into and be warned.

THIS WHOLE ENTRY IS A SPOILER.  

 Now's your chance to save yourself. 

Turn back now. 

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First of all, I ask you to suspend your disbelief that I started this reviewing project over five years ago. I can't believe it's taking me this long. I plan to just bang-out the final three seasons, but I guess we'll see, won't we!

Let it be known to all who care about me, that I love this fucking season. Season 3 was amazing, but this one... I am so fucking excited to watch this. Because this, you see, is when the following happens (if i recall correctly):

1) The Amazons and the beginning..
2) Gabrielle comes back to life
3) India
4) A particularly hot henna scene
5) Our girls meet a girl, whom Gabrielle takes a liking to, but the girl is bad
6) Gabrielle and Xena switch into different bodies
7) Gabrielle gets her short hair
8) Gabrielle finds religion
9) Xena breaks her back
10) Gabrielle kills people on purpose
11) Caesar's assassination
12) Xena's and Gabrielle's crucifixions and deaths

In the words of Ariel: "You want dope-ass episodes? I got 22." This season is packed-full of them. And since the last time I saw this was in 2009, I don't remember much about my one and only viewing of Season 4, except that this was when Xena used a whole season to tell a story. And it is beautiful. I can't fucking wait.

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