Xena: Season 5, Outtakes

I live for these goofs. Seriously, they always put me in a good mood!

Xena: Season 5 Summary

A great metaphor for this episode is like ordering Chick-fil-A. You take a few bites, and it’s so fucking delicious, but then suddenly you receive a mildly important phone call that you have to take. The call is positive enough, but now your Chick-fil-A is getting cold.

Ironically, Season 5 has so many good episodes, but it is so stiff at times that I can’t in good conscience rank it #1. Yes, it yielded the greatest work but it also brought me the greatest pain.

But not "Fallen Angel," omgggg. Season 5 could have had "Fallen Angel" and then 21 shitty episodes, and I would still stan it hard because of "Fallen Angel" alone. What a gift to humanity.

Now is a good time to amplify Xena's only Emmy win, which was this season for Joseph LoDuca's score for "Fallen Angel." Xena was nominated for seven Emmys throughout the seasons, all in the music category. Some might consider noms of this kind to be lesser fare, but it's the frickin Emmys. The Emmys announced to the world for years that Xena: Warrior Princess was a real player to be reckoned with. And in the year 2000, against The X-Files, Star Trek: Voyager, Falcone, and Felicity, it won. 

Now, look. Here’s all the big shit that happened in Season 5, girl:

1. Xena and Gabrielle both become archangels and demons in heaven and hell respectively
2. Xena trades her soul to save Callisto
3. Xena and Gabrielle come back to life
4. Callisto impregnates Xena
5. Xena combines the light chakram with her dark chakram, making a splitting chakram
6. Gabrielle is now a warrior who kills using the sai
7. Ares takes an interest in Gabrielle
8. Xena’s western episode
9. Xena is very pregnant
10. Another musical episode
11. Argo gets little
12. Xena gives birth to Eve, who’s to bring the twilight of the gods, so all the gods want to kill her
13. Hercules kills Zeus who killed Hera
14. Athena shimmers into our lives, not unlike the shimmer in Annihilation
15. Joxer almost dies
16. Ares proclaims his love to Xena
17. The worst fucking episode of Xena, ever
18. Gabrielle gives Eve her Amazon rite of caste
19. Gabrielle tries to get Xena to settle down with her, seriously
20. Xena cheats on Gabrielle with Antony
21. Xena and Gabrielle fake their deaths, wake up 25 years later
22. Eve evolves into 25-year-old Livia, champion of Rome who hates her mother
23. Joxer dies
24. Xena and Gabrielle turn Livia back into Eve
25. Xena chakrams Gabrielle in the back of the head, pretty much killing her
26. Ares gives up his immortality to save Eve and Gabrielle
27. Xena kills several prominent Greek gods, including Athena, Hades, Hephaestus and Artemis

A loooooot of shit happened, as you can see. A lazy season, it was not.

Confusing is the death shit. Did Gabrielle die at the end of "Motherhood?" And if someone is OUT for 25 years and doesn’t age, is that like dying? I am going to just interpret it thusly, because I can’t put nothing about that 25-year-long "death." 

Series Death-count So Far...  

Xena: 3.5 (.5 for fake dying and skipping 25 years)
Gabrielle: 4.5 (Ditto w/the .5, and I think Gabrielle died at the end of Ep 22 with Eve.) 

QUALITY: I had to watch a couple of these episodes on Hulu and my god was the quality awful. The discs are far better, if you can keep it. I need to check if the aspect ratio changed this season, though I didn't notice anything.

RANK: It is true Season 5 turned-out many amazing episodes, but there’s no way I think of it as fondly and cohesively as I do Season 4, and that’s…not my fault.

Favorite Seasons Rank:

1) Season 4
2) Season 5
3) Season 3
4) Season 2
5) Season 1
6)

Season 5 should feel lucky it's ahead of Season 3, because Season 3 was truer to the story than Season 5. I should actually re-examine my notes and consider moving Season 3 ahead of Season 5. Might also remove the last episode from favorite. It can’t just be a favorite from the chakram-throws. Can it?

Favorites I’m questioning: Definitely the last episode, "Motherhood," episode 22. It’s got real good stuff, but because I love the episodes right before it, I feel a little blinded.

On the one hand, episode 22 has amazing chakram action, and Xena kills all those gods. On the other hand, when I ask myself if I would include it in a "Favorites Only" viewing, especially curated for others, I can’t muster the love. Then again, you can’t watch “Livia” and “Eve” without watching "Motherhood." Hmm. Like is it an episode I enjoy watching? Leaning toward changing it to a non-favorite.

Other episodes I’m questioning: “Succession.” I go back and forth with faving it. I did enjoy it. Let's break it down:

• My Season 4, 6-star favorites are “In Sickness and in Hell,” “A Tale of Two Muses,” and “Takes One to Know One.” Are those three better than “Succession?” YES, FUCK. 
• My only Season 3, 6-star favorite is “The Dirty Half Dozen,” and it, too, is more engrossing than “Succession.” 
• Similarly, my only Season 2, 6-star fave was “The Lost Mariner,” and I reviewed it 6.5 years ago, so I kind of can’t even remember it. 
• “A Fistful of Dinars” is my 6-star, Season 1 favorite, and it is very similar to “The Dirty Half Dozen,” so I know I loved that one, and it was better than “Succession.” 

I don’t think I’ve ever been so torn about an episode, but yes I'm afraid "Succession" ultimately falls short of a favorite.

SUBTEXT: The subtext rolled-out HARD at the beginning of the season, then became non-existent, going extra-absent in the last five god damn episodes. Here are some scraps the show tossed us:

1. Demon Xena openly wanted Archangel Gabrielle’s ass
2. Xena and Gabrielle came back to life and said they'd always be together
3. Gabrielle pretty much says she loves Xena’s darkness when Xena turns good for an ep
4. Ares makes Xena and Gabrielle into one person in “Succession”
5. Xena tells the doctor she can’t be pregnant cuz she hasn’t duped a guy in a long time
6. Xena fears telling Gabrielle about being mysteriously pregnant, why?
7. Gabrielle sees Xena's baby as her own
8. Xena and Gabrielle cut their palms, clasp hands, and squish their blood together
9. Gabrielle says to someone that a home can sometimes be a person (wonder who she means)
10. Xena tells Ares that Gabrielle is the father, and Ares says he would’ve paid to see that
11. Callisto is actually Eve’s father...
12. Xena expresses rage and jealousy at Ares a few times for coming-on to Gabrielle
13. Joxer actually asks Gabrielle point blank why she doesn’t love him, she answers “Why do people love the people they do?” She’s clearly talking about Xena
14. Athena knows Gabrielle is Xena’s weak spot
15. Gabrielle threatens Ares while trying to stop him from taking advantage of Xena sexually. Later, Ares pleads with Xena to “leave (Gabrielle)”
16. The whole episode “Kindred Spirits” is literally about Xena and Gabrielle settling down together. It’s chock-full of subtext. And maintext. Xena and Gabrielle even break up
17. Xena tells Gabrielle that Eve's “our daughter”

Xena unfortunately kisses two guys this season: Ares and Antony. She kisses Ares several times and almost fucks him a couple times. Gabrielle kisses Joxer a few times. She almost kisses Lin Qi. Don’t think I forgot. Pathetic and lame. Xena and Gabrielle were TO. GETH. ER. at the beginning of this season, I’d maintain all the way up until the big whopper “Kindred Spirits." But after that, they’re so cold and distant to each other that Xena actually splits-open Gabrielle’s skull.

I definitely liked Season 5 better this time around than I did the first. The first time I watched Season 5, I didn’t realize the show would get better in Season 6. I just saw Xena declining in Season 5 and knew Season 6 was the last season, so therefore Season 6 probably was going to be frosty and off-putting as well. Now that I knew what happened in Season 6, I was able to relax this time and fully enjoy what Season 5 had to offer. There was so much good shit. Really. It gave us the best Xena episode so far, but also the worst. I now see where it went wrong, episode by episode, and can cherry-pick the amazing eps.

And Season 6? Maaaan, you don’t even KNOW. So just, get of my lawn, bitches. Just…prepare your bods for the sheer ecstasy about to bespill you.

βλέπω! Another stunning, if not a bit frigid and dickish, season of Xena: Warrior Princess:

Xena: Season 5, Episode 18: "Antony and Cleopatra"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“Fuck Y’all” 

What an awesome episode, and at the same time, WHAT THE FUCK. Halfway through, I was like, “I hate this episode, what is Xena doing to Gabrielle?” By the end I was like, “Fuck it, totally worth it, this is dope.” All that blood at the end? SWEET. But a grade-A ending does not a grade-A episode, make.

Expanding on some of my notes:

• Xena saying “Antony” at the end as she they fought was genuinely sad. There was nothing she could do, and he was so hurt by it. I felt that.
• To unconfuse the plot: three people were competing to rule Rome here: Brutus, Marc Antony and Octavius.
• The kiss/key thing was clever, but come on.
• If Xena and Gabrielle weren’t together, I could enjoy this episode. It’s good, but I can’t.
• This episode gets five stars alone simply for the images of Xena dressed as Cleopatra.
• Gabrielle killing Brutus was the best part. It was a deep moment and her eyes were so beautiful. It was breathtaking, really.
• It's ironic, unintentionally, that Gabrielle is the one who really shines in this ep. I found myself completely focused on what was going on inside her head. I didn't give a fiddle about Xena's crisis, which is usually not the case. Usually I care what both of them are thinking.
• For reasons that completely escape me, X is a total fucking bitch to Gabrielle in this episode. I’d leave my girlfriend if she ever did this to me.
• I can't believe there isn't more talk about Xena coincidentally naming Servant Gabrielle, "Eris," the Amazon who wanted to replace Gabrielle in the last episode, "Kindred Spirits." Some figure she called Gabrielle "Iris," but I didn't hear the "I" sound in there at all.
• Also, I used to make my boyfriend Brandon play Natalie Merchant's "Carnival" on repeat in his truck, when I was 18. In Xena’s defense, it’s impossible to listen to "Carnival" while looking into someone’s eyes and not fall in love.

This is another episode where the writers want Xena to be straight. A big fuck you to…some of us. God, I cant wait until Season 6. The draw to Xena is not how many men she turned-on or fucked. It was the electricity and friction between Xena and Gabrielle, a *shoe* could see that. If you're gonna have Xena fuck around with someone else, and it's not a device to expand upon her and Gabrielle's relationship, then it's a throwaway move.

The first time that Xena shows any kind of emotion toward Gabrielle all episode, is when Gabrielle agrees to go with Brutus. It's like Xena suddenly realizes, Oh yeah, this works both ways.

My only guess is, this new writer Carl Ellsworth didn’t know shit about or watch any Xena before writing this episode. I can’t imagine the blame goes to R.J. Stewart. True, he alone wrote “Ulysses” but his other episodes are pretty gay. For instance, he single-handedly wrote “Callisto,” “Return of Callisto,” and “A Day in the Life” (also directed by Michael Hurst). He also singularly wrote “Gabrielle’s Hope,” the fucking “Crusader,” which doesn’t get any gayer, and the god damn “Ides of March...” He co-wrote both “The Debts,” “Fallen Angel,” and a few more good ones coming up, so yeah, I’m just going to blame this Ellsworth douche for everything horrible about this episode. Dickhole.

This episode could have been amazing, see, because they play with the aftermath of Brutus fucking letting them die in Season 4. When they tell Brutus, here, that he has the support of Cleopatra's navy, he believes them, because they’ve always sided with and supported him before. Now he doesn’t mean shit to them, but he doesn’t suspect that. Wish I could’ve seen more of that, more of Brutus and Gabrielle, more of Xena and Gabrielle being jealous of Antony and Brutus. THERE’S the fucking story, not Xena tricking Antony, a new character, into loving her. Fucking lame. Let’s hope the next ep is fucking better.

[SERIES SPOILER] Am I remembering this right, does Gabrielle kind of get back at Xena or make Xena "pay" for this episode with Antony in Season 6? Like during the Sleeping Beauty episode? Am I making this up? [END SPOILER]

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA NOTES:

1) Directed by Michael Hurst.

2) Why does everyone dismiss their guards right when they receive a mysterious gift?

3) Loved the part where X tried to fuck A in front of G. SIKE!
 

4) 28:19 - Not to sound like a 10-year-old, but Xena is nipping-out here. My sincere thanks to wardrobe for their authenticity. Seriously, it's beautiful and daring. 

5) Manu Bennett boldly does nothing to hide his New Zealand accent.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Cleopatra: “Hm, is it just me, Shiana, or do crises only happen when I'm naked?" – My thoughts all the time.

2) G: "Do you have a plan?" X: "First we become Egypt, and then we take on Rome." – Oh my god, this is another, “I’m taking my revenge on Rome” episode. I thought we were past these.

3) X/C: "Egypt is yours, Antony. Won't you free me?" Ant: "Is that what you want?” – Gross.

4) G: "What does Cleopatra have to be afraid of, Brutus?" Brutus: "Gabrielle." G: "I'm alive. I'll handle this." B: "You survived the crucifixion." G: "You should have been there." – This is an unexpectedly pleasant surprise. I forgot all about the crucifixion. Nice.

5) X/C: "Come on, then. I won't bite. Ah why don't you wait there while I slip into something less comfortable?" – This line is a dud! It is the only time I can recall that Xena said something meant to be funny and it wasn’t.

6) B: "I would like to see her myself." X: "She's busy." – Love the dynamics of this exchange. Love the way Xena says this line. Notice Brutus got the right the fuck outta there after that.

7) G: "If Brutus is right, Xena, Antony may try to kill you." X: "I think he has some business to conclude with me first.” – FUCK YOU.

8) X/C: “Welcome, Antony. Oh, this is my companion Eris." Ant: "If I were your hands, Iris I would be fortunate indeed." – I bet, big guy! First of all, fuck you. Second, it would make since if Gabrielle blushed because her hands have been all up in Xena. Thirdly, Did Xena call Gabrielle "Eris?" Because Eris is the Amazon who wanted to get with Xena in the last episode. 

9) X: "Yes?" G: "I'm losing sight of your plan, Xena. Are you going to flirt him to death?" X: "I'm getting him to trust me, so I can do what I want with him." G: "Be careful. He's your type." X: "You think?" G: "What's this unfinished business?'" X: "He's going to try to seduce me into letting him use Cleopatra's navy." G: "And then?" X: "And then I'll have him on his knees figuratively speaking, of course." G: "Of course." – God how fucking awkward. Anyone keeping up with this show  cringes during this convo.

10) X: "What do you think you were doing? I was in complete control." G: "How far were you going to let that go?" X: "Until he begged for my navel." G: "Your navy?" X: "I know what I'm doing." – Hahahaha!

11) G: "Xena, what happens if he's the one who killed Cleopatra?" X: "Then he's the one I'll kill if I have to. I have no real feelings for him, Gabrielle, believe me." – Our current “president” in mind, I tend to not believe people who say “believe me.” It’s like saying “Look at me, I lied just now.” It’s like those people who put quotations around a word so it means the opposite.

12) A: "The first time I saw you, I knew a man would give up a kingdom for such a woman. There is nothing that I have learned since that would change my mind." X/C: "Nothing?" A: "Nothing." X/C: "Antony." – I think I’m gonna vom.

13) O: "Do you think I tried to kill Cleopatra?" G/E: "I don't know." O: "Tears are for boys." G/E: "I know some men who could use a good cry." O: "I need to put them behind me and think of my people." G/E: "The people of Rome?" O: "And all who are under its protection. My uncle exploited the peoples of the world for his ambition. I want to correct that! To bring them Roman peace Pax Romana. Do you think I'm foolish?" G/E: "No, I don't." – Dude, who cares.

14) G: "Xena?" X: "You were right, Gabrielle I do have a soft spot for bad boys." – OH REALLY HAHA FUCK YOU.  

15) B: "Queen Cleopatra." X/C: "Approach, Roman. [He approaches and sees her face.] Boo." B: "Xena." X: "That's right. I've been playing the part of Cleopatra because you killed her." – I am loving this shit where Brutus is shocked at every turn.

16) O: "Xena, Rome owes you a debt of gratitude." X: "Rome owes me nothing. Octavius, you'll soon be the new leader. It is you who must recognize and support this new alliance forged between Egypt and Rome. It cost Cleopatra her life. Make sure it was worth it. Cleopatra always put the well-being of her kingdom ahead of her own. Respect this. She died in the hope that the Egyptian people might, for the first time choose their next great leader. She was Egypt." – I just feel like I need to include this important monologue, so here it is.

I would be remiss if I didn't paste Natalie Merchant's "Carnival" here. So...get those strawberries ready.

This episode doesn't deserve it, but here is Thom Yorke's beautiful "Suspirium," which does match this episode dramatically. 

Xena: Season 5, Episode 17: "Kindred Spirits"

Oh my god, this episode was fucking hilarious. I laughed so hard. Here are some random notes I took right after the episode:

• This episode is so gay, holy shit. Someone actually said to Xena that she and Gabrielle had broken up and Xena actually said they were just taking a break. That is word-for-word sexual and emotional relationship dialect.
• I think someone mispronounced “blasphemer.”
• This is the one where Renee O’Connor and Ted Raimi had to reshoot the scene because ROC couldn’t stop laughing.
• The word domestic was used when describing settling down with Xena. They’re just a straight up couple in this.
• It was refreshing watching Gabrielle and Xena hang out with each other and just chat, and holy fuck, this was gay.

OK, I love it…when the writers have someone talk in their sleep as a joke. Ares did it in “God Fearing Child.” G does it here. It’s so good. The "Queen Gabrielle" thing? So at night, Xena says, “Queen Gabrielle” and this is Gabrielle's cue to play “Queen Gabrielle” in bed. That’s BDSM, sugars.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

 CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "Don't shoot! Lady with a baby." – Hahaha!

2) G: "Have you ever thought about settling down, here?" X: "Like when I'm too old to do kicks and stuff?" – Aaaaahahhahahaa!

3) Joxer: “Hello heh heh, name's Joxer, spelled Joxerrrrrrrr. Know what I mean? Uh, I'm a warrior. I've killed a lot of people. That turn you on? Killing people?" – Good one, Joxer.

4) X: "What was that?" G: "Was that you?…That's the ram's horn.” – Hahahaha! This is the only fart joke I’ll laugh at.

5) X: "You know what, Gabrielle? I don't know that this is gonna work. Look, what am I supposed to do around here all day while you're off ‘queening'?" – Hahhahaha queening.

6) X: "Oh, Evie you know what? One day, all of this will be yours. Mind you here you're safe from the Greek gods Gabrielle's happy place is loaded with baby sitters.” – Don’t DO this to meeee!!

7) Eris: “I can fight! I can jump! Uh! Ya! And I can do thirty of these things!" X: "But, can you clean?" – Yay.

8) X: "Yep, whittling is fun." – This is so gay. I would put it in subtext, but it’s so full already.

9) Rhea: "You're the first man I've ever been near. Who wasn't trying to kill me." – Funny line by Rhea.

10) Joxer: “Hey, listen! We're not just machines, you know, you can use to-. Besides you know, uh we can't just do it on command. We need stuff like, uh, cheap motel rooms and dirty pictures and lingerie stuff like that! We're not animals!" – Hahahaha!

11) G: "Xena, I can make a difference with this tribe. You do understand that, don't you?" X: "I do." G: "You don't." X: "No, I don't. Look, it's not that I haven't tried, Gabrielle." G: "Tried? Xena, I can dance better than that." X: "This is just not me, all right? This whole place, the the shared meals, communal bathing, group laundry day. All this togetherness is making me sick! I can hardly breathe." – Hahahahaha group laundry day. Excellent, bold writing at the beginning of this quote, too.

12) Cyane: "Now we take off your clothes." G: "Excuse me?" Cyane: "We can't cover the rest of your body while you're still wearing clothes." G: "I don't think I'm familiar with this ritual." Cyane: "As queen you must pay tribute to the full moon." G: "In mud?" Cyane: "You must show the glory of your form to Sister Moon, so that she will smile on you. It will bring us great good fortune. It's an important Amazon tradition." G: "Riiiiight. Well then, for tradition's sake what's next?" Cyane: "Sister Wolf must talk to the moon." – Ahahahahahahaa This shit is my favorite part.

13) Eris: "I have to work out a few kinks, but you gotta admit, those were pretty cool flips." X: "Yeah, they were pretty cool." Eris: "What about the war cry?" X: "It kind of sounded like a yak in labor." – Hahhaaha this is mean…

14) Joxer: "No. You're very attractive. I just don't think this is gonna work. Look, you're a pagan. I'm a Zoroastrian. How will we raise our kids?" – Hahahahaa!

15) G: "Is this another ceremony I don't know about?" Cyane: "This time, he has broken the most sacred law of the Amazons. He was kissing Rhea out of season." – OH MY GOD this is funny.

16) Rhea: "I'm sorry, Joxer. None of this would have happened if I hadn't wanted a baby so much." Joxer: "What's the big rush?" Rhea: "I've never felt as strong as I do when I hold Eve. It's like I could take on anyone do anything for someone so helpless and sweet. But having my own baby seemed impossible till you came along." – Very deep what Rhea is saying about having a baby, and I’m fascinated they chose this actress to play this character.

17) Amazon: "Time to die, pervert!" – Love the triteness of this sweet-ass line.

18) X: "I am Xena! The ultimate woman! Versus Joxer! The ultimate meatball! And I will crrrrrush his head like a peanut between the thighs of dooooooom!” – Hahaha thighs of doom. If he's not up for it, I nominate myself.

19) G: "Come on, girl!" – This…is so fucking, funny.

20) Cyane: "You tricked us!" X: "You pronounced him dead yourself. Nothing says he has to stay dead." Cyane: "But our laws say-" G: "-should be changed. When they make someone die for a kiss." Rhea: "Or get banished." Eris: "Or get an eye gouged out for getting an eyeful of us." Cyane: "All I wanted was to keep us strong keep our heritage alive. I thought that's what we needed, what you wanted. My apologies to you and the tribe, and I humbly ask for your permission to leave it." G: "Permission denied. You love this tribe, Cyane. They need you especially since I'll be leaving, with Xena?" – Love when Gabrielle says “should be changed.”

21) G: "I bet they make Cyane queen at the next full moon." X: "You all right with that?" G: "Do you mean, will I miss being caked in mud, howling at the moon?" X: "Well, will ya?" G: "No. Hmm I think she'll do she'll do pretty well now that she's loosened up a bit." X: "Yeah, but she won't be as good as you." – ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️!!

MAINTEXT QUOTES:

1) Rhea: "Who wouldn't wanna play? When you've got a cute little baby like Eve around? Ah, what a doll! Xena's so lucky!" Eris: "If you ask me, Gabrielle's the lucky one, having Xena for a best friend." – See, Eris is going right after Xena.

2) Eris: "You don't need a man, unless you want a baby, and we've got Eve to play with." – Hard stare.

3) Eris: "We're in charge of staging the dance for Gabrielle's coronation." X: "Congratulations." Eris: "Thanks, but we were kinda hoping that you'd be in it, too. After all, you're her best friend, and until I came along, she was your closest, most loyal companion, right?" X: "What did you say?" Eris: "Don't you wanna help make this the most special day of her life?" X: "Yes" – I would have loved to hear where Xena's line of questioning would've gone after "What did you say?" That made her mad. It was awesome.

4) Eris: "Xena, now that you and are Gabrielle broken up, you definitely need a new traveling partner." X: "No, no, hang on. See, Gabrielle and I have only separated for a couple of weeks, just so we can work things out." – BROKEN UP. She used the words BROKEN UP. I have never told someone that I've broken up with a friend. I've only - ONLY - used that expression when referring to a sexual relationship.

5) Eris: "If you only want me for a couple of weeks, I can live with that. It'll be a great experience-- and who knows what'll develop." X: "Eris, I'm not looking for a sidekick, temporary or otherwise. I'm sorry.” – God, that’s blatant.

SUBTEXT QUOTES:

1) G: "I always knew it was gonna happen. You're nesting." X: "Nesting 'cause I built a swing." – I love the way Xena says this. 

2) G: "Xena, (nesting) is perfectly natural. You're a mother. Actually, I feel the same way." X: "What way is that?" G: "Have you ever thought about settling down, here?" X: "Like when I'm too old to do kicks and stuff?" G: "No, I mean right now. Xena, it's a beautiful place. You could raise Eve here." – This is so gay, I can't even breathe. What conversation is this.

3) X: "Gabrielle, are you saying that you wanna stay here and be queen?" G: "Well, only if you and Eve would stay. I think you should consider it. You wanna stay, don't you?" – There's nothing to say about this, these women are lesbians.

4) G: "It makes sense, Xena. We've never really had our own home. So, I see this place as our domestic bliss. All we have to do is fix it up a little bit." X: "It wouldn't hurt to consider it." G: "Thanks." – “We’ve never really had our own home,” I tell my best friend every day.

5) X: "You know, I counted on him and he let me down." G: "If we build a porch" X: "Hmm." G: "just around this side, we could lay out there with Eve." – This is gay. When have you ever heard friends discuss building a porch together. Why would two friends build a porch together?

6) Cyane: "I had a man before I joined the Amazons." Rhea: "It's tough for an Amazon to meet men." Er: "Well, I'm a virgin and I'm gonna stay that way forever." X: "Forever's a long time." – Xena looks knowingly at Gabrielle, and Gabrielle chokes on her drink. You know what kind of people stay virgins forever? Lesbians. 

7) Rhea: "What's it like? Being with a man?" X: "The good news is: it's different every time. The bad news is: it's different every time. You're always hoping for Greek fire but sometimes you just get diddly." G: "Xena has studied the subject more than I have, but I think she's trying to say that some people are better lovers than others." – THAT LOOK. OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT LOOK? And the smilin'. Why are they lookin' at each other like that? What the fuck are you guys doin??

8) Rhea: "What makes a man a good lover? Being gentle and kind?" X: "No." G: "Yes." – HOLY FUCK, IS GABRIELLE REFERRING TO XENA? I'M DYING. Or is Xena like, "What the fuck are you talking about. You had sex with  a man and he was fucking gentle and you liked it? How would you know this??"

9) G: "It's a complicated subject." X: "You'll figure out what suits you best as you get older." Rhea: "But how can I? Every time we see a man, they want to kill us. How can we meet nice guys even not-so-nice guys? It seems like a lost cause." Eris: "You don't need a man, unless you want a baby, and we've got Eve to play with." Rhea: "Not for long. They're taking Eve with them when they go." G: "Actually, we're considering settling down here." – This comment by Eris is so latent lesbian. A straight woman wouldn't say this. Women don't need women either, know what I'm sayin'?

10) Cyane: "Queen Gabrielle!" G: [Waking up] "Not tonight.” – Oooooohhh myyyyy gggoooooodddd

I listened to this this day, and if you ask me, this is all Xena wanted to say to Gabrielle the whole episode.

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 16: "Lifeblood"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE

"The Selma Blair Episode"

This review, too, was torturous. Frick.

How should I put this.. "Lifeblood" confused the shit out of me. I didn’t even realize Danielle Cormack wasn’t playing Ephiny until about halfway in. She’s playing a different Amazon named Samsara. Karl Urban is also playing a new character: buffoon cannibal Kor. Is this because Hercules ended and they wanted to give some of these actors one last spin? I really don’t know, I’m too lazy to research.

Danielle Cormack is fine af in this episode, by the way.

The best and only good part about this episode is when Selma Blair appears out of nowhere. I love her as an actor. Did you see her in The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story? Even with that minuscule role, she was so fucking good. Every time I think about The Peep vs. OJ, she comes to mind first, then Sarah Paulson, etc.

Would’ve given 3 stars if not for Selma, just because it really had nothing to do with Xena and Gabrielle, just like “Married with Fishsticks.” Actually the director of this episode only directed two episodes of Xena: "Lifeblood" and "Married with Fishsticks." You do the math. 

This episode is flush with unplanned Eve things. I listed the sock incident, but did you also see Eve playing with Gabrielle’s sai, dropping one on the ground with an audible clang, then - I’m pretty sure - looking at the camera and laughing about it (Around 5:20)?

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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  CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Cyane II: "Yakut foresaw your arrival. She said you would come to make Eve a part of our tribe and that we should welcome her. We're ready to begin the ceremony." X: "Look, I don't know that this is any time-" G: "Xena, there's death all around us. Maybe bringing a new life into the tribe would be good for us." – I think this line by Gabrielle was the heaviest in the whole episode.

2) Cyane: "If you wish to give Eve your right of caste, you must first take your rightful place as our queen." G: "The queen? You know I'm not staying."

3) Samsara: "Over that rise is the great river. On the other side of the river is the tree that carries the hard red fruit. We race there. The first one back wins the challenge." Karina: Cyane, I think you should accept this and show us how the Atmah runs." Cyane: "I suppose we could that, but it's just, see I don't think running is really a very heroic thing-" Karina: "I think the race has begun." – This line by Karina is hilarious. I really liked her.

4) Cyane II: "Don't you have any respect for the dead? We would never abandon our sisters even in death." X: "Don't your traditions include listening to your queen?" – Love this scathing line by Xena, reminding these bitches to listen to her girlfriend.

5) Samsara: "We've got them on the run. Let's keep going. We can slaughter them like sheep, now." Karina: "No we've beaten them. It'll be a long time before they're able to threaten anyone." Samsara: "But they're-" Ch: "-I said no. It's over, Samsara." – Again, I love the way Karina delivers her lines.

6) G Narrating: "And so the Amazon legacy,to temper might with mercy was restored, thanks to the innocence of a child and the wisdom of Xena." – How the fuck did Xena’s wisdom do anything? It was Yakut. We can think Xena’s heroics. God, this is so fooooorced!!

The ending Amazon dance sequence in "Lifeblood?" Or the Ewok celebration to "Yub Nub" in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (1983).

There's a movie where a guy sticks his arm through an invisible barrier where it's burned and frozen as a test. As soon as I figure it out, I will post it here. (Oh my god, I figured it out. Coincidentally, it's Hercules 1983, starring Lou Ferrigno, whom I adore. Kevin Sorbo could never compare. Just sayin'.)

Selma Blair was luckily abducted from modern times wearing her Converse Chuck Taylor One Star skate shoes featured below.

Of all the songs I heard this day, "Wings" by Little Mix was topical and most channeled Selma Blair. 

 
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Xena: Season 5, Episode 15: "Married with Fishsticks"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:
“The Worst Xena Episode”

Every part of my body hated this episode. My brain, my heart, my kidneys, my vaj.. I could go on and on. And I'm fairly certain in the Xena fandom, the condemnation is unanimous. Yes, reviewing this episode was the most agonizing moment of my life. Complete and utter agony.

Couple of hot takes:

• Under subtext, I wish I could just put, “Booooooo.”
• This episode is where bad jokes go to die.

Some episode swapping here: I think they filmed this one and "Lifeblood" right after Lucy had her baby, and the two eps before this were filmed later after she’d fully recovered and gotten back into shape? Maybe they even filmed the previous two before she started "showing." I don’t know, but these are clearly baby recovery episodes. Xena is even wearing her pregnancy outfit at the beginning of this episode, which she'd completely schucked in the last.

In closing, I'd like to point out that Dean in Overboard never tried to take advantage of Joanna, sexually. What he did was somehow not that creepy. In this episode, there is no tit for tat, just tit. Thank you.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: “Hush, now. Hush. I'll give you a dinar.” – Cute joke.

2) G: "Xena, I don't have the patience to even raise my own." X: "You rise to every occasion, Gabrielle. I don't think motherhood's gonna be any different." – What the fuck is Gabrielle talking about? She loved Hope so much and wanted to be a mother so badly. Also, fuck off, this is supposed to be Gabrielle’s kid, too. I hate this episode.

3) X: "What's this?!" Joxer: "You asked for baby food." X: "Babyback ribs are not baby food, Joxer." – Should be funny, but it’s not.

4) Discord: "Well if it isn't the ever-titillating Aphrodite. I almost didn't recognize you with your legs so close together." Aphrodite: "Discord are you still looking for someone to shave your back?" – Again, should be funny, but…

5) Discord: "Uh! You're dead, Bimbolina!" [Kerfuffle] Aphrodite: "Love-40!" – Love this tennis joke. Love tennis.

6) Hagar: "Keep the bed warm. I'll be back.” – This is so fucking gross.

7) Hagar: “Now, that's what I call a lungfish." – Horrible. Hagar the Horrible.

8) Hagar: “Next to him is the curious one, Urchin." Urchin: "What's a sphincter?!" – Die.

9) Crustacea: "Do you expect me to believe that I wear this to bed?" Hagar: "Ooh. Well, um no. Usually, you sleep in the nude." – I’d think this was clever if it wasn’t so rapey.

10) Hagar: "I should thank you because I am always at my best when I'm around you." – Fuck all the way off.

11) Crabella: "Um, before you decide, you should know that Sturgina snores like an asthmatic walrus." Sturgina: "You should also know that every member of the council knows exactly what the top of Crabella's head looks like, if you get my meaning." – This isn’t bad. It’s not great.

12) Hagar: "Look, after what I did to Gorb-, uh, Gerbil, uh…" Crustacea: "Gabrielle?" Hagar: "-Gabrielle. I'm gonna spend some time alone and figure out how to make it up to her." – Hahhahaaha

13) Crustacea: “Urchin, your curiosity is gonna take you many places." Urchin: "What?" Crustacea: "That's very funny.” – Not it’s not, this is a hooooorrible joke.

14) Crustacea: "You go to your wife, your real wife, and you show her what you've shown me." Hagar: "OK." Crustacea: "That behind the sexist, corporate-climbing, self-centerd, lazy, stupid-" Hagar: "OK I get it. I get it." Crustacea: "-there's a man with integrity who learned from his mistakes." – This is the best line in the whole dream. The part where she's insulting him, I mean.

15) Joxer: "Ooh. Hmmm. Heh." G: "What are you doing?" Joxer: "Well apparently just what you've always want- [Gabrielle hits him] ooh! Ooh!" X: "You wanna tell me something, Gabrielle?" – This is fucking hilarious and maybe the only time I laughed.

16) X: "Ladies, you wanna take this someplace else? Unless you want a taste of my new chakram." – “New chakram?” Fuck, when did they film this? After “Chakram?” That was like fucking 13 episodes ago, now it’s just the chakram again.

Is this Crustacea or Ariel? Hard to tell.

The only Hagar I'm interested in.

The octopus scene in this episode looks vaguely familiar to the one in Popeye (1980).

Now I haven't revisited it, but I used to watch the shiiiiit out of Married with Children (1986-1997). I loved this show. The whole cast is amazing. Everyone went on to do great things (besides this show), with the exception of maybe Bud, but there's still time.

Here's Taylor Swift's "Look What You Made Me Do," because nothing else will do. And because we need something good, like this video. I did listen to it this day, jammed hard to it as a matter of fact.

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 14: "Amphipolis Under Siege"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“Funky Cold Athena”

Well, shit, this was a great episode too! I think knowing what Season 6 has in store has made me trust watching Season 5 more.

My biggest character standout (aside from the regs) from all the seasons during my 2009 viewing was Athena. She is slight, but oh my god, she’s such a good actor. That face. And there's a moment where she full-on smiles that I'm obsessed with.

A first for Xena: Athena is in love with her favored, and Ares calls her out on it. The last time I saw anything remotely this lesbian on Xena (besides our two gals) was when Najara went after Gabrielle. Athena and Ilainus' relationship is blatant, and I'm here for it.

I really loved Xena and Ilainus’ fight. It was pretty beautiful. It wasn't lost on me that Xena appreciated Ilainus’ skill and even sort of felt bad about stabbing her. It was nice.

Number of times someone summons Ares: 2
Number of times someone says “Get outta my way!”: 2

I am considering upping my rating to an 8. Would give it 7.5, if I could. I feel like all of my love for it mostly stems from Athena.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Athena: "Don't tell me one of those toll collectors laid a weapon on you." Ilainus: "Xena was there." Athena: "You have my favor, Ilainus, always. But take care, it doesn't make you any less mortal." Ilainus: "I saw the child. I could have killed her for you." Athena: "You're a fine warrior, Ilainus. But the most dangerous animal on Earth is a mother protecting her young. In the name of Zeus I will kill the child myself." – I love the part about the most dangerous animal on earth, because it’s true.

2) Ares: "Who was it who said, 'An army is a terrible thing to waste.'?" I think it was me.” – heh heh

3) Ilainus: "Athena doesn't need your help." Ares: "Nor any man's, it would seem." – A nod to Athena being gay af.

4) Athena: "I considered that, but Gabrielle is leading the attack. Xena would never risk her second-in-command on a suicidal feint." – Love this line.

5) X: "I know who you are. You're Athena's new champion, Ilainus of Mycenae. You heal quickly. Or was that divine intervention?” – For a second, this is a respectful exchange. I like that.

6) X: Why are you doing this, Athena? Ares, I could understand. He's always out for himself. And Zeus was just clinging to power, but you, of all the Olympians, you were the only one who ever seemed to deserve my respect."

7) Cyrene: "Please, facing down a god I can handle. Well, I raised you, remember? Terrible twos, terrible threes, terrible fourteens." X: "Sorry I made it so tough for you." Cyrene: "Oh now look, just listen for once. You know, in the end it's worth all the heartache in the world just to see your child grow up strong, proud. I'd like you to know what that's like, Xena." X: "I will, Mom. I will." – [SERIES SPOILER] Narrator: She doesn’t. [END SPOILER] I also love any talk about what Xena was like as a kid.

8) Ares: "Ow. Athena is beatin' you like a dog out there. Put a poultice on it. It's gotta sting." X: "Thanks." Ares: "Hey, don't feel bad. After all, you're fighting the goddess of wisdom and warfare." X: "Don't forget weaving." - Aaahhahaahaha

9) X: "You help me defeat Athena and I'm yours." Ares: "You're mine." X: "For years, you've been wanting me to be your Warrior Queen. Well I'm offering you my sword and the body that wields it." – If this isn’t the sexiest line…

10) G: "Do you want to give Eve to Athena?! Does anybody else feel that way?! We give up the baby and go back to our fields in peace, until the next god comes along and they want your child, or yours. We're not fighting for Xena. We're fighting for ourselves, for our right to be treated like human beings. Not game pieces. If any one of you is willing to give up their own child, then speak up! Because I will not have you fighting next to me! Back to your posts.” – This is awesome. Almost tear-inducing. Like I almost cried.

11) G: “Ares! Ares, I need to talk to you." Ares: "Well, aren't I Mr. Popular?" – Haha

12) G: "If you accept, you will destroy Xena. You will turn her into exactly what she used to be, a vicious killer." Ares: "Yeah, well I kinda liked that Xena." G: "Did you? Then why are you so obsessed with who she is now? Tell me you don't feel anything for the real Xena, the good Xena. Ares, if you make her do this, she will never love you." Ares: "Do you think she'd really give herself to me to save Eve?" G: "Has she ever said anything she doesn't mean?" Ares: "Thank you." G [Whispers]: "Don't do it." – Before we find out what Gabrielle is really doing, this exchange is incredible. It’s still incredible...If it's supposed to read that she actually really means this, even though she knows it's a trick, mission: complete.

13) Ares: "So Sis how goes the siege?" Athena: "I'm about to start catapulting dead cows into the village." Ares: "And a classic it is." – If Athena wasn’t so mind-staggering, I would’ve laughed at this.

14) Ares: "Have you considered that maybe this prophecy is fulfilling itself?! Think about it. What can Xena's baby do to us? Really? Yet the more we fight amongst ourselves about the future of this one tiny child, the more vulnerable we become." Athena: "Because of this one tiny child, Zeus is already dead!" Ares: "If he'd let well enough alone, Hercules wouldn't have killed him." Athena: "And what if you're wrong, Ares? Is it worth the risk for one child? Or for one woman? There will be no compromise." – Ares is the first to catch on to what’s really happening with the prophecy...Go with me onthis for a sec. If years ago, The Fates or god were to tell our country (USA), that in the future, Russia would defeat the United States, we would not have foreseen that it was our own people who allowed that to happen.

15) Cyrene: "I suppose it could be worse. I mean, after all, he is a god. Although, I would have preferred Apollo or or maybe Hermes." Ares: "Excuse me, Hermes? With the wings on the feet? Oh, please." – Hahhahaa

16) Ares: "Now Gabrielle is attacking. She's providing us with the perfect cover." X: "What are you saying?" Ares: "Leave her now, while Athena's distracted, and I'll take you and your daughter someplace else." – This should probs go under Subtext, or even Maintext. This is really gay. "Leave her. Leave your wife for me."

17) X: "Get outta my way, Gabrielle. I'm going to save these people, and you." – If I didn’t know this was a trick, this was Xena about to sacrifice her child for Gabrielle.

18) X: "Don't make it worse with your platitudes. Do it while she's asleep. Do it." Athena: "You might want to look away." X: "If my daughter's to be sacrificed to save these people, the least I can do honor her is to remember every detail." – This is a sweet, intense line. Fuck. But also…I mean, it was pretty obvious that wasn’t Eve, right? And if it was, what child would sleep through a frickin war?

19) Ares: "You know what they say? Blood is thicker than water but blood runs hardest when love is involved." Athena: "You're really whipped, aren't you?" – This is hilarious. I love it when people tell other people they're whipped. Athena’s lines are awesome, all of them.

20) Athena: "What's the matter, Bro? Worried about your girlfriend?" Ares: "Me? No. Worried about yours?" – This is amazing.

21) Ares: "I saved your child." X: "You saved my dolly." – Ha! Is this Xena’s childhood doll?

22) X: "I felt nothing." Ares: "This isn't finished. As long as your child lives, they'll keep coming and then you're gonna have to come to me for help." [He vanishes] X: "I felt something." – I see the reason for doing this, but also, fuck you, writers.

23) G: "Xena." X: "Hmm?" G: "Did you say that you felt something?" X: "No." G: "No, I think I heard you. You said you felt something." X: "Gabrielle, I said no such thing." G: "Oh, really?" X: "Maybe a little something." G: "What?" – I would’ve loved to hear the rest of this conversation. I have to keep reminding myself that Ares & Xena is more about Xena’s relationship with war and death and evil than it is about an actual person. Her favorite thing in the world is fighting and killing people, which is what Ares is.

I listened to this song this day. It reminds me of Athena and how even her godly powers couldn't save her hot lover. Crayon Fields - "Slow Magic."

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 13: "Eternal Bonds"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:
“Joxer Almost Dies”

What a nice, quiet, sexy episode, especially for Ares. A lot of subtext here, lot of pain for Joxer. Just when I thought these episodes couldn’t get any deeper, this one (and the next) are just all up in there. Man, Xena is getting dark. I forgot how intense the twilight of the gods was.

Can I just say, that Gabrielle is all the way “with” Xena right now? She’s not turning back on that in any capacity these days, though the same can not be said for Xena, which is annoyingly, carelessly contradictory to her character in the past.

I need to go back and examine previous episodes to determine at which point Gabrielle became absolutely committed to Xena. Was it this season? The previous? 

Since these episodes are all about killing Eve and there's now a fucking amazing show on BBC America called Killing Eve, I need to ask if anyone (LESBIANS) are watching it. If not, you should be...That's all I'll say.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA SUBTEXT

1) Gabrielle, I'm starting to sense, is completely devoted to Xena. It's odd the writers are doing this to her, while Xena can't seem to control herself. Because of course, women lose their minds when they're gay and suddenly have a baby.

2) G: "Take care of your mom." X: "Of course, she will." – Feels like G saying to X, “I want to take care of you, be careful.” This is something a soldier would say to her kid about her wife before she goes off to war. This actually belongs in subtext but it doesn’t fit.

3) Joxer: "Us. How come there was never an 'us,' Gabrielle?" G: "Why do people love the people that they do? I don't know." Joxer: "I know why. Because you made me feel special." G: "You are special." – When he says, “I know why,” Gabrielle has a look on her face like he’s about to say, “because you’re in love with Xena.” Then she looks relieved when she realizes he didn’t get it and is out of it.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "You just don't realize that your actions have consequences, like, like this wound, for instance." Joxer: "I got it tryin' to help you, you know?" G: "No, I didn't need your help. If you had just stopped to think about that, you would have seen. No, you just go charging in there." Joxer: "Well, fine. Maybe I won't charge in next time." G: "That's my point. I don't want you to." – I love that they keep coming back to this with more intensity.

2) G: "Xena, let's just say that he's not poisoned. Then I would be leaving you and Eve alone for nothing." X: "Are you willing to gamble Joxer's life on that?!" – Gabrielle didn’t answer. Oh my god, the answer was “YES,” this is so intense.

3) X [X's hums, a branch cracks somewhere behind her]: "You know, it never fails. Every time you sit down to eat...Don't worry. I'll keep it warm for you." – Hahahaha!

4) X: [After kicking everyone’s asses, she says to Eve] "And that's how we do it.” – This is such a cute line.

5) Ares: "Thanks to that kid of yours, I am dying. So, why would I lie?" X: "Because you're Ares. You always lie." – Love the way she says this line. She's just so over it.

6) X: "You forget, I fight against scum like you." Ares: "Then, so will I. A fight is a fight, no matter which side you're on." – This line might be Ares’ best, truest dialogue.

7) X: "Get the hell away from my baby." Ares: "I swear. I won't harm her." X: "That's right. You're not gonna harm her." Ares: "How did we ever let things get this way between us?" X: "Well, could it have been when you used the furies to drive me insane? Or, when you turned yourself into my father, just to torment me? Or, was it coming-" Ares: "Yeah-" X: "-on to my best friend?" Ares: "Enough said.” – OMG, I love this. Also, “Or was it coming-on to my girlfriend?” Because…who the fuck cares if someone comes on to your best friend? Unless they’re talking about Xena being in love with Ares and hurt that he hit on Gabrielle, but that’s not what’s happening here.

8) G: "Well, that's because-" Joxer: "-we were attacked. We were attacked by a fierce warrior woman, with a, baby." Tira: "Xena?" Joxer: "Right, Xena, you know." Tira: "Where was this?" Joxer: "Um, well, if you really wanna catch here, you should head west." G [Interrupts]: "-east. -West." Joxer [Interrupts]: "-East, I mean. -She was tall." G [Interrupts]: "-She's everywhere." - This is such a classic bit, I love it so. Hahhahaa

9) Joxer: "You're so beautiful, Gabrielle. Did I ever tell you that." G: "You're very ill, Joxer." Joxer: "Hey, I kind of miss your long hair, you know? You used to wear it up, like a princess, or braided like a warrior? And sometimes you'd have it down, and, you'd look like an angel." – I too miss her long hair, but surprisingly love her short hair.

10) X: [To Eve] "And that's how you lay a false trail." – Hahahah

11) Ares: "Every god on Mount Olympus is targeting you. Even now, three temple armies are closing in. Now, all I'm asking, is your word we will be together, and have a child, and I'll make all this go away. I swear." X: "You're asking me to give up the future. Well, I won't do that, even if it means sacrificing my life." Ares: "Even if it means, Joxer's life, or Gabrielle's, or Eve's?" – There it is.

12) Joxer: "Now, who's not thinking? Xena's probably already at the tree, waiting for us." G: "Well, then, she's on her way to find us." Joxer: "Look, we're so far off the trail, she's not gonna know where to look. Gabrielle, why don't you be smart, and think about the people you love?" G: "I am."

13) X: "See, what we gotta do is keep our eyes peeled for a sign. Gabrielle's smart. She'll try to get our attention if she can. Trouble is, the guards would smell a signal fire. Hey. Hey. Guards have ears, too, you know? Otherwise, Gabrielle would be raising a ruckus, so unless you see something that I don't, well... [Follows Eve's line of vision] Why didn't you say something? Told you Gabrielle was smart." – Love that she’s saying all this amazing shit to just the baby, in a baby voice.

14) Joxer: "Us. How come there was never an 'us,' Gabrielle?" G: "Why, why do people love the people that they do? I don't, I don't know." – Wow. She’s obviously saying that they weren’t an “us,” because she loves Xena. Then Joxer doesn’t pick up her meaning and says:

15) Joxer: "I know why. Because you made me feel special." G: "You are special." – When he says, “I know why,” Gabrielle has a look on her face like he’s about to say, “because you’re in love with Xena.” Then she looks relieved when she realizes he didn’t get it and is kind of out of it.

16) G: "Joxer, when you were ill, I said, um-" Joxer: "I know what you said. You said that, you love me, but only as a friend, right?" G: "I do mean that, I-" Joxer: "I know you do. I know you do. But, Gabrielle, I will always love you more than that. And, that's just something I'll have to live with. You know? But that's all right." – Ugh, GOD. That’s heartbreaking and has happened to us all. FUCK.

17) X: "We live our lives the way we do, because someone has to help those who can't help themselves, but is it wrong to expose a child to that kind of violence? That blood?" G: "I think so, but Xena, sometimes it's our only resort, until we find a more effective way of doing it all." X: "Perhaps the greater wrong is never to fight at all, huh? You know what? I think, it doesn't matter where we take a stand, as long as we make one." – This is loaded and nicely done.

Everyone wants to kill Eve. Speaking of which, here's just one awesome song from the TV show Killing Eve. I highly recommend it. Keeping in mind that someone might watch it for the first time from reading this, I'm posting the most non-spoiler-y of my favorite songs...It still feels like a betrayal, and I'm sorry:

I listened to so many good songs this day, but this song most aligns with the feel of this episode. Sort of an ominous topic, but also romantic and urgent. Alphaville - "Summer in Berlin" (1984).

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 12: "God Fearing Child"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“Xena Has the Baby”

This is my second watch of this episode, and after crying (again probably) about it, I can say I now like this episode more now than I did when I first watched it. It's so good, but I would’ve given eight stars, if Hercules hadn’t been in it.

The writers did a good job. However, they made it a lot about feelings between Ares and Xena, Xena and Solan, Hercules and his parents, Ares and Zeus, and even Zeus and Hera. There was a smidgeon of connection between Gabrielle and Xena at the beginning, but man those writers fucking missed the mark. So much potential. Cowards. 

See this is what I was talking about regarding the shallowness of Season 5. These writers and director came from Hercules, whose run had just ended; and they did NOT capture the essence of Xena: Warrior Princess, which is essentially Gabrielle and Xena’s effect on her. These guys avoided that dance completely. This is why Season 5 feels so disconnected, and why Season 6 is balls to the wall. 

I do need to investigate further, but it could’ve been this episode alone – good as it was – that chapped my hide on Season 5. Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman had actually just written the last episode of Hercules, which aired a couple months before this one. Seems like someone in the chain of command “gifted” these dudes this VERY. IMPORTANT. EPISODE. as a consolation prize. Well, I’m sorry, but Hercules is not on the same scale as Xena, it just isn’t. They should’ve left this ep to the big guns who know Xena. Pisses me off.

[SERIES SPOILER:] I love that the whole time we’re supposed to believe that Xena’s baby is going to kill the gods, then we realize the twilight is actually a byproduct of Xena protecting her child. [SPOILER END]

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

 CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA QUOTES: 

1) X: "Oh, Gabrielle. Come here, give me your hand. No, no, here." G: [Gasps] X: [Laughs] G: "That was a drop kick." X: "I know." G: "Just like Mom." – This is so cute.

2) Hercules: “Proxidicae, Zeus' secret guard. You kill one, the rest get stronger." X: "Tremendous." - Hahahaha

3) Ares: "To what do I owe this dubious pleasure?" Zeus: "Is it so odd, for a father to want to spend time with his son?" Ares: "OK, so now I'm your son? Please, don't insult my intelligence. You obviously want something." – This is fascinating.

4) Ares: "Oh. Oh, you are a real piece of work. You know that? You want me to keep Hercules busy so you don't have to kill him. Meantime, you intend to murder a woman I'm rather fond of." Zeus: "So fond of her as to bring about your own death? That's exactly what will happen if this child is born."

5) Zeus: "You're asking for my permission to kill my own son?!" Ares: "What is it about him you have never seen in me?!" Zeus: "Aw, it's not just you. He has managed to do something that we god have tried and failed to accomplish. He's earned humanity's love in every gesture, except fear." Ares: "And Xena has earned mine. So I guess we both have something to lose. Well, Dad, what's it gonna be?" – Kind of a remarkable thing for both of them to say.

6) Solan: "You just wanna take me to the Elysian fields 'cause you don't need me anymore." X: "What are you talking about?" Solan: "You have a new baby, now." X: "Oo-oh, listen, Solon. There's not a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about you.” – I love the way she reacts and says all this. It’s really beautiful.

7) Hera: “No one with mortal blood can find these bones. You need me to lead you there." Hercules: "And why would you wanna do that?" Hera: "I love Zeus. Hopefully, the remains of Cronos, will be enough to scare him away from Xena." – This is amazing.

8) Hercules: "I still don't get it. Why would you side with humanity?" Hera: "From the moment Zeus and I created mortals, I've spent my time hating them, for the infidelities he shared with them. But once I forgave him, I realized that humanity is the only creation, I am truly proud of." – Excellent.

9) Ares: [Zeus slaps unconscious Ares] "Yeah, yeah, baby. Yeah, go… [wakes up] What?!" – Aaaahahahahahaha! And happens to be so woman positive.

10) Zeus: "If she's helping Hercules, she could lead him t-... no, no, she wouldn't dare." Ares: "She's a woman! Whatever you're thinking, you're probably right." – God, I love Ares.

11) X: "I'm not going to become your little warrior queen, Ares. Besides, you expect me to believe you'd protect a child the fates say will destroy you?" Ares: "They say it'll destroy all the gods. Now, if I'm gonna be mortal, I, could live out my life, with you." X: "What are you talking about?!" Ares: "I have feelings for you, OK? I care about you, damn it." X: "Oh, no, no." Ares: "I see your face everywhere." X: "Stop it! You stop it! You're so desperate, you're trying to convince me that you love me. Well, go on. Say it. Say it. Say you love me...The time for you and me has been and gone." Ares: "It was worth a shot anyway. I thought in your present condition you might be a little more gullible." X: "I am pregnant, not brain-damaged. [she leaves]" Ares: "I love you, Xena." – I fucking loooooove this. It could be the best thing so far on Xena. So much sympathy for Xena.

12) Hercules: "What's the catch?" Hera: "The catch?" Hercules: "Oh, you know, there's always a catch. You know, in this case, I, I grab the rib and a giant boulder comes rolling after me." – This is an Indiana Jones reference, not for the first time.

13) Hera: “Go, make sure that Xena's safe." Hercules: "He'll kill you if he has to." Hera: "I can handle him." – Well, he sure did kill the shit out of her. What's sort of beautiful is that it appeared to be painless.

14) X: "Ahh! Get it off me! Take it off." G: [Removes her coat] "It's OK." X: "I'm cold." G: "You're cold?" X: "No!" G: "OK." X: "Take these off." G: "OK, OK." Zeus: "This is not about you and me. It's about survival." G: "Um, hey, do you remember..do you remember when Ephiny had her baby? Remember how you helped her?" X: "Please, be quiet." G: "OK." X: "Just be quiet." G: "Just breathe." – I can’t believe they’re inserting humor HERE, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

15) X: “We're gonna be together now, Eve, you and me, and your brother, forever and ever. You hear that, Solan? Forever. Forever." – Kind of resent this, because Gabrielle gets up and walks away before Xena says this, but I’m not a mother and know nothing of motherhood, so whatever.

Here's a quickie of A Different Story (1978) starring Meg foster, who kind of looks like Lucy Lawlass in this footage actually. 

And here's the scene in Aliens (1986) where all the colonists are cocooned, like Solan.

One more scene of Meg Foster looking amazing in Masters of the Universe (1987). Pay no mind to what this video-poster titled the clip, MOTU is a work of art!

 

Listened to this beautiful song this day. Blood Orange - "Hands Up."

 

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 11: "Punch Lines"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 
“The Pie Fight Episode”

This was fucking hilarious. Let’s just face it; this whole episode exists just to showcase the little horse. SO cute. I wonder what everyone on set thought of it. They must’ve been shitting their pants. Also, I feel like this episode is me right now, except instead of a friend of mine having a baby, we have trump and I’m so worried about it, I'm neglecting the shit out of my inner child.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

 CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA NOTES:

1) The whistle Xena does to summon Argo. Funny thing: my coworkers and I just taught ourselves last week to do whistle with our fingers. I can do it with one hand now, just like Xena. I think of her every time I do it.

2) The blackberries were so fucking sour, holy shit. I had to stop. 

3) The everlasting whirr of the chakram after Xena knocks the pie loose was a nice touch. I didn’t even realize it was still making a noise, until she finally caught it.

4) Aphrodite mentions chocolate and white chocolate. Just an FYI (and something I learned just this year) the chocolate plant originated in Central America and wasn’t known to Europe, until like maybe the 15th century.  

5) Joxer summons his first god.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "It doesn't take a genius to wash a horse." X: "Well, it'll come in handy for all those back rubs you're gonna give me. [Chuckles. Turns to J] Come on, dummy."

2) G: "Did you hear that? Xena telling me how to bathe you. What do I add, water? She must think I'm like Joxer or something. Xena doesn't do any cleaning. Have you smelled her feet, lately? Good girl. [Argo shrinks] What happened to you?" – I can't convey how delighted I was, here. Twas a pleasant surprise. I completely forgot this episode existed.

3) Aphrodite: "So, you shrunk her horse! Big deal! Everybody shrinks as they get older. That's why old people are so short." G: "Now, that's very constructive. What are you writing?" Aphrodite: "'Patient is hostile and insecure possibly masking some latent tendencies.'" – Is this gay? I can’t tell anymore.

4) G: "'Latent tendencies?' Where did you learn to talk like that?" Aphrodite: "Honey, don't let the blonde hair fool you. Although bombastic forms of circumlocution should be generally avoided one mustn't shy away from big words in the right context." G: "What?" Aphrodite: "Nothing. Please continue." – Hahahahaha!

5) G: "This isn't my horse. It's Xena's. You've heard of her, right? She's killed thousands of men, and with the mood she's in right now, she will not think this is funny." – For reasons I’d like to not disclose, this is the greatest line.

6) X: "Oh, Gabrielle never told you about King Gregor's child, huh. Look, I may not be nanny material, but you try babysitting through a sword fight."

7) Aphrodite: "So, let me ask you this: isn't all this storytelling an awful lot like writing?" G: "It's similar but with writing it's like talking to yourself. It's a way that you can work things out. Of course I know, now, exactly who I am." – I’m always looking for good writing advice. This is Gabrielle’s. Also this is gay.

8) G: "How was your meal?" X: "A little too much salt." – The way she says this is fucking hilarious.

9) G: "Uh, unfortunately, there's been a slight delay, Xena. You you're never gonna guess why." Joxer: "Let me. First, you got your nails done. Then you went to your ballet lesson." – Just keeping track of all of Joxer’s sexist remarks. Not his fault! But sexist nonetheless.

10) X: "Bag of wheat, bag of wheat. Ooh, lookie there, the last one on the shelf." Blutos: "So you thought you got rid of me, huh? Well better luck next time." X: "Luck has nothing to do with it." [Xena throttles Blutos, takes wheat] Joxer: "Nice save!" X: "And, it's on special, huh?" Man's Voice: "Clean up on aisle seven." – Love her face when she says it’s on special.

11) Joxer: "Oh, sure that kid of yours is gonna encounter a host of problems. Let's see, uh, pestilence, disease, foot rot, misery, but you know what, Xena? That kid's got something it couldn't get anywhere else." – Foot rot, heh.

12) G: "Argo? Argo? Ar- excuse me. Argo?” – Hahahaahahaha! OMG, I died.

13) X: "Anyone seen a guy in a little pointy hat?" Random religious figure in pointy hat: "Is that supposed to be funny?" X: "No, I just got lucky.” – (Heart)

14) Lachrymose: "Just wait till I catch you." G: "No, no." Joxer: "Huh. Must be Lachrymose-intolerant. You know, you could find her easier if you made her big again."

15) X: "Ah, now, that is devotion. Here, girl!" Some Dude: "Look, a stray dog!" – Xena’s face when she says this.

This episode is an obvious reference to Honey I Shrunk the Kids (1989).

Here are characters from the Dark Crystal (1982), who look like Lachrymose.

 In honor of my bud who texted me during this episode.

Featured clips in order of appearance:

    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    Animal Attraction
    Intimate Stranger
    Been There, Done That
    In Sickness and in Hell
    Cradle of Hope
    A Comedy of Eros
    A Day in the Life
    Takes One to Know One
    A Day in the Life
    The King of Assassins
    The Way
    A Comedy of Eros
    Warrior... Princess... Tramp
    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    The Quest
    The Quill is Mightier...
    Altared States
    The Quest
    The Execution
    The Titans
    Sins of the Past
    A Day in the Life
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    Mortal Beloved
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    The Play's the Thing
    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    The Play's the Thing
    Warrior... Priestess... Tramp
    Callisto
    Paradise Found
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    The Way
    Fallen Angel

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