Xena: Season 5, Episode 11: "Punch Lines"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 
“The Pie Fight Episode”

This was fucking hilarious. Let’s just face it; this whole episode exists just to showcase the little horse. SO cute. I wonder what everyone on set thought of it. They must’ve been shitting their pants. Also, I feel like this episode is me right now, except instead of a friend of mine having a baby, we have trump and I’m so worried about it, I'm neglecting the shit out of my inner child.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA NOTES:

1) The whistle Xena does to summon Argo. Funny thing: my coworkers and I just taught ourselves last week to do whistle with our fingers. I can do it with one hand now, just like Xena. I think of her every time I do it.

2) The blackberries were so fucking sour, holy shit. I had to stop. 

3) The everlasting whirr of the chakram after Xena knocks the pie loose was a nice touch. I didn’t even realize it was still making a noise, until she finally caught it.

4) Aphrodite mentions chocolate and white chocolate. Just an FYI (and something I learned just this year) the chocolate plant originated in Central America and wasn’t known to Europe, until like maybe the 15th century.  

5) Joxer summons his first god.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "It doesn't take a genius to wash a horse." X: "Well, it'll come in handy for all those back rubs you're gonna give me. [Chuckles. Turns to J] Come on, dummy."

2) G: "Did you hear that? Xena telling me how to bathe you. What do I add, water? She must think I'm like Joxer or something. Xena doesn't do any cleaning. Have you smelled her feet, lately? Good girl. [Argo shrinks] What happened to you?" – I can't convey how delighted I was, here. Twas a pleasant surprise. I completely forgot this episode existed.

3) Aphrodite: "So, you shrunk her horse! Big deal! Everybody shrinks as they get older. That's why old people are so short." G: "Now, that's very constructive. What are you writing?" Aphrodite: "'Patient is hostile and insecure possibly masking some latent tendencies.'" – Is this gay? I can’t tell anymore.

4) G: "'Latent tendencies?' Where did you learn to talk like that?" Aphrodite: "Honey, don't let the blonde hair fool you. Although bombastic forms of circumlocution should be generally avoided one mustn't shy away from big words in the right context." G: "What?" Aphrodite: "Nothing. Please continue." – Hahahahaha!

5) G: "This isn't my horse. It's Xena's. You've heard of her, right? She's killed thousands of men, and with the mood she's in right now, she will not think this is funny." – For reasons I’d like to not disclose, this is the greatest line.

6) X: "Oh, Gabrielle never told you about King Gregor's child, huh. Look, I may not be nanny material, but you try babysitting through a sword fight."

7) Aphrodite: "So, let me ask you this: isn't all this storytelling an awful lot like writing?" G: "It's similar but with writing it's like talking to yourself. It's a way that you can work things out. Of course I know, now, exactly who I am." – I’m always looking for good writing advice. This is Gabrielle’s. Also this is gay.

8) G: "How was your meal?" X: "A little too much salt." – The way she says this is fucking hilarious.

9) G: "Uh, unfortunately, there's been a slight delay, Xena. You you're never gonna guess why." Joxer: "Let me. First, you got your nails done. Then you went to your ballet lesson." – Just keeping track of all of Joxer’s sexist remarks. Not his fault! But sexist nonetheless.

10) X: "Bag of wheat, bag of wheat. Ooh, lookie there, the last one on the shelf." Blutos: "So you thought you got rid of me, huh? Well better luck next time." X: "Luck has nothing to do with it." [Xena throttles Blutos, takes wheat] Joxer: "Nice save!" X: "And, it's on special, huh?" Man's Voice: "Clean up on aisle seven." – Love her face when she says it’s on special.

11) Joxer: "Oh, sure that kid of yours is gonna encounter a host of problems. Let's see, uh, pestilence, disease, foot rot, misery, but you know what, Xena? That kid's got something it couldn't get anywhere else." – Foot rot, heh.

12) G: "Argo? Argo? Ar- excuse me. Argo?” – Hahahaahahaha! OMG, I died.

13) X: "Anyone seen a guy in a little pointy hat?" Random religious figure in pointy hat: "Is that supposed to be funny?" X: "No, I just got lucky.” – (Heart)

14) Lachrymose: "Just wait till I catch you." G: "No, no." Joxer: "Huh. Must be Lachrymose-intolerant. You know, you could find her easier if you made her big again."

15) X: "Ah, now, that is devotion. Here, girl!" Some Dude: "Look, a stray dog!" – Xena’s face when she says this.

This episode is an obvious reference to Honey I Shrunk the Kids (1989).

Here are characters from the Dark Crystal (1982), who look like Lachrymose.

 In honor of my bud who texted me during this episode.

Featured clips in order of appearance:

    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    Animal Attraction
    Intimate Stranger
    Been There, Done That
    In Sickness and in Hell
    Cradle of Hope
    A Comedy of Eros
    A Day in the Life
    Takes One to Know One
    A Day in the Life
    The King of Assassins
    The Way
    A Comedy of Eros
    Warrior... Princess... Tramp
    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    The Quest
    The Quill is Mightier...
    Altared States
    The Quest
    The Execution
    The Titans
    Sins of the Past
    A Day in the Life
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    Mortal Beloved
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    The Play's the Thing
    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    The Play's the Thing
    Warrior... Priestess... Tramp
    Callisto
    Paradise Found
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    The Way
    Fallen Angel

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