ALTERNATIVE TITLE:
“Fuck Y’all”
What an awesome episode, and at the same time, WHAT THE FUCK.
Halfway through, I was like, “I hate this episode, what is Xena doing to
Gabrielle?” By the end I was like, “Fuck it, totally worth it, this is
dope.” All that blood at the end? SWEET. But a grade-A ending does not a grade-A episode, make.
Expanding on some of my notes:
- Xena saying “Antony” at the end as she they fought was genuinely sad. There was nothing she could do, and he was so hurt by it. I felt that.
- To unconfuse the plot: three people were competing to rule Rome here: Brutus, Marc Antony and Octavius.
- The kiss/key thing was clever, but come on.
- If Xena and Gabrielle weren’t together, I could enjoy this episode. It’s good, but I can’t.
- This episode gets five stars alone simply for the images of Xena dressed as Cleopatra.
- Gabrielle killing Brutus was the best part. It was a deep moment and her eyes were so beautiful. It was breathtaking, really.
- It's ironic, unintentionally, that Gabrielle is the one who really shines in this ep. I found myself completely focused on what was going on inside her head. I didn't give a fiddle about Xena's crisis, which is usually not the case. Usually I care what both of them are thinking.
- For reasons that completely escape me, X is a total fucking bitch to Gabrielle in this episode. I’d leave my girlfriend if she ever did this to me.
- I can't believe there isn't more talk about Xena coincidentally naming Servant Gabrielle, "Eris," the Amazon who wanted to replace Gabrielle in the last episode, "Kindred Spirits." Some figure she called Gabrielle "Iris," but I didn't hear the "I" sound in there at all.
- Also, I used to make my boyfriend Brandon play Natalie Merchant's "Carnival" on repeat in his truck, when I was 18. In Xena’s defense, it’s impossible to listen to "Carnival" while looking into someone’s eyes and not fall in love.
This is another episode where the writers want Xena to be straight. A big fuck you to…some of us. God, I cant wait until Season 6. The draw to Xena is not how many men she turned-on or fucked. It was the electricity and friction between Xena and Gabrielle, a *shoe* could see that. If you're gonna have Xena fuck around with someone else, and it's not a device to expand upon her and Gabrielle's relationship, then it's a throwaway move.
The first time that Xena shows any kind of emotion toward Gabrielle all
episode, is when Gabrielle agrees to go with Brutus. It's like Xena suddenly realizes, Oh yeah, this works both ways.
My only guess is, this new writer Carl Ellsworth didn’t know shit about or watch any Xena before writing this episode. I can’t imagine the blame goes to R.J. Stewart. True, he alone wrote “Ulysses” but his other episodes are pretty gay. For instance, he single-handedly wrote “Callisto,” “Return of Callisto,” and “A Day in the Life” (also directed by Michael Hurst). He also singularly wrote “Gabrielle’s Hope,” the fucking “Crusader,” which doesn’t get any gayer, and the god damn “Ides of March...” He co-wrote both “The Debts,” “Fallen Angel,” and a few more good ones coming up, so yeah, I’m just going to blame this Ellsworth douche for everything horrible about this episode. Dickhole.
This episode could have been amazing, see, because they play with the aftermath of Brutus fucking letting them die in Season 4. When they tell Brutus, here, that he has the support of Cleopatra's navy, he believes them, because they’ve always sided with and supported him before. Now he doesn’t mean shit to them, but he doesn’t suspect that. Wish I could’ve seen more of that, more of Brutus and Gabrielle, more of Xena and Gabrielle being jealous of Antony and Brutus. THERE’S the fucking story, not Xena tricking Antony, a new character, into loving her. Fucking lame. Let’s hope the next ep is fucking better.
[SERIES SPOILER] Am I remembering this right, does Gabrielle kind of get back at Xena or make Xena "pay" for this episode with Antony in Season 6? Like during the Sleeping Beauty episode? Am I making this up? [END SPOILER]
SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.
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1) Directed by Michael Hurst.
2) Why does everyone dismiss their guards right when they receive a mysterious gift?
3) Loved the part where X tried to fuck A in front of G. SIKE!
4) 28:19 - Not to sound like a 10-year-old, but Xena is nipping-out here. My sincere thanks to wardrobe for their authenticity. Seriously, it's beautiful and daring.
5) Manu Bennett boldly does nothing to hide his New Zealand accent.
EXTRA QUOTES:
1) Cleopatra: “Hm, is it just me, Shiana, or do crises only happen when I'm naked?" – My thoughts all the time.
2) G: "Do you have a plan?" X: "First we become Egypt, and then we take on Rome." – Oh my god, this is another, “I’m taking my revenge on Rome” episode. I thought we were past these.
3) X/C: "Egypt is yours, Antony. Won't you free me?" Ant: "Is that what you want?” – Gross.
4) G: "What does Cleopatra have to be afraid of, Brutus?" Brutus: "Gabrielle." G: "I'm alive. I'll handle this." B: "You survived the crucifixion." G: "You should have been there." – This is an unexpectedly pleasant surprise. I forgot all about the crucifixion. Nice.
5) X/C: "Come on, then. I won't bite. Ah why don't you wait there while I slip into something less comfortable?" – This line is a dud! It is the only time I can recall that Xena said something meant to be funny and it wasn’t.
6) B: "I would like to see her myself." X: "She's busy." – Love the dynamics of this exchange. Love the way Xena says this line. Notice Brutus got the right the fuck outta there after that.
7) G: "If Brutus is right, Xena, Antony may try to kill you." X: "I think he has some business to conclude with me first.” – FUCK YOU.
8) X/C: “Welcome, Antony. Oh, this is my companion Eris." Ant: "If I were your hands, Iris I would be fortunate indeed." – I bet, big guy! First of all, fuck you. Second, it would make since if Gabrielle blushed because her hands have been all up in Xena. Thirdly, Did Xena call Gabrielle "Eris?" Because Eris is the Amazon who wanted to get with Xena in the last episode.
9) X: "Yes?" G: "I'm losing sight of your plan, Xena. Are you going to flirt him to death?" X: "I'm getting him to trust me, so I can do what I want with him." G: "Be careful. He's your type." X: "You think?" G: "What's this unfinished business?'" X: "He's going to try to seduce me into letting him use Cleopatra's navy." G: "And then?" X: "And then I'll have him on his knees figuratively speaking, of course." G: "Of course." – God how fucking awkward. Anyone keeping up with this show cringes during this convo.
10) X: "What do you think you were doing? I was in complete control." G: "How far were you going to let that go?" X: "Until he begged for my navel." G: "Your navy?" X: "I know what I'm doing." – Hahahaha!
11) G: "Xena, what happens if he's the one who killed Cleopatra?" X: "Then he's the one I'll kill if I have to. I have no real feelings for him, Gabrielle, believe me." – Our current “president” in mind, I tend to not believe people who say “believe me.” It’s like saying “Look at me, I lied just now.” It’s like those people who put quotations around a word so it means the opposite.
12) A: "The first time I saw you, I knew a man would give up a kingdom for such a woman. There is nothing that I have learned since that would change my mind." X/C: "Nothing?" A: "Nothing." X/C: "Antony." – I think I’m gonna vom.
13) O: "Do you think I tried to kill Cleopatra?" G/E: "I don't know." O: "Tears are for boys." G/E: "I know some men who could use a good cry." O: "I need to put them behind me and think of my people." G/E: "The people of Rome?" O: "And all who are under its protection. My uncle exploited the peoples of the world for his ambition. I want to correct that! To bring them Roman peace Pax Romana. Do you think I'm foolish?" G/E: "No, I don't." – Dude, who cares.
14) G: "Xena?" X: "You were right, Gabrielle I do have a soft spot for bad boys." – OH REALLY HAHA FUCK YOU.
15) B: "Queen Cleopatra." X/C: "Approach, Roman. [He approaches and sees her face.] Boo." B: "Xena." X: "That's right. I've been playing the part of Cleopatra because you killed her." – I am loving this shit where Brutus is shocked at every turn.
16) O: "Xena, Rome owes you a debt of gratitude." X: "Rome owes me nothing. Octavius, you'll soon be the new leader. It is you who must recognize and support this new alliance forged between Egypt and Rome. It cost Cleopatra her life. Make sure it was worth it. Cleopatra always put the well-being of her kingdom ahead of her own. Respect this. She died in the hope that the Egyptian people might, for the first time choose their next great leader. She was Egypt." – I just feel like I need to include this important monologue, so here it is.
I would be remiss if I didn't paste Natalie Merchant's "Carnival" here. So...get those strawberries ready.
This episode doesn't deserve it, but here is Thom Yorke's beautiful "Suspirium," which does match this episode dramatically.
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