Xena: Season 6 Summary

All right, let's break this shit DOWN. Now, I know it wasn't just Season 6 that I finished, I closed the entire series. [Dabs] And you don't understand how badly I want to just talk about the show roughshod in toto (and rewatch it and buy Xena paraphernalia and learn to ride a horse), but this post will specifically, unerringly cover Season 6, never straying from the path that god put it on. Later, I'll post a review for the whole show, carte blanche. 

When I first watched Season 6 in 2009, I was so. fucking. shocked. when all its episodes rolled-up toight and low in a Lamborghini Countach. Just completely blown away. After Season 5, I 100% thought Season 6 was gonna suck. I thought it would be the worst one, y'all. I fully believed that. I was literally so depressed, until I googled how the fans ranked all the seasons.

Outta the gate, the most surprising and notable thing about Season 6 is how lacklusterly it starts. It's the first and only season to do this, to start off with two low-impact episodes. I realize they can't all be "Fallen Angel," and Season 6 was coming off of a shaky Season 5, but damn. 

Of course, then Season 6 barrels headlong into a metric shitload of platinum hits. I had planned to say that things come to a halt when we get to "Send in the Clones," but they really don't. Like I still even enjoyed "Send in the Clones." The pony-star ep that follows isn't amazing, true, but no halt cometh. The season is strong pretty much all the way through. No halts, just dips. 

And it's got "When Fates Collide." I'm not gonna lie to y'all – I never have – but the only reason I reviewed this whole series, is so I could shade-in all 10 of the stars next to "When Fates Collide" in hot pink. Yeah. I ate candy and drank a Barolo, during. Lit candles, applied sensual oils.. I feel like the show had to come aaall this way, produce aaall these episodes so that someone could "get" Xena enough to write "When Fates Collide." The whole process of that further proving the show is perfect.

Lookie here. So much happens in Season 6. It could easily have been split into two seasons. Days could be spent recounting what happened, but because I'm a merciful glob, here's the tl;dr: 

1. Eve dives headfirst loyally and annoyingly into Christianity, never budging and never being awesome ever again
2. Ares is still forever hopelessly in love with Xena 
3. Varia herkies into our lives
4. In the first ep, Xena dies, but Gabrielle applies mouth-to-mouth and saves her life. I repeat: Gabrielle puts her lips on Xena's
5. Xena fucking kisses Ares
6. Cyrene has died and turned into the ghostess with the mostest
7. Gabrielle wrestles Xena naked
8. Gabrielle gets it on with Virgil while Xena gets it on with Lucifer 
9. Xena kisses Lucifer
10. Xena sidesteps the Archangels’ orders to run Hell and sexily saddles Archangel Lucifer with the job. What I’m saying is, Xena’s the reason Lucifer rules Hell
11. There's an orgy on Xena: Warrior Princess. Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long 
12. Xena and Gabrielle do a blood-racing Domme-y dance together in “Heart of Darkness”
13. Xena and Gabrielle shake what the good lord gave ‘em again in “Who’s Gurkhan.” Xena in particular is extremely bothered by the view
14. Gabrielle reunites with her sister Lila and rescues her daughter from Gurkhan, but can't go through with his assassination
15. Gabrielle accidentally kills an innocent person 
16. Cannibals wound and almost kill Gabrielle. For this, Xena kills them all
17. Gabrielle tells Xena she loves her
18. In the story of Beowulf, it’s actually Xena who makes and defeats Grindl
19. We learn Xena used to be a Valkyrie, the best one actually, and was Odin's other ride
20. Xena gets amnesia and marries the king of Denmark
21. Brunhilda falls HARD for Gabrielle
22. Beowulf also falls for Gabrielle
23. Sleeping Beauty is actually Gabrielle
24. The one to kiss Gabrielle and wake her up is Xena, because Xena is true love's kiss
25. Xena and Gabrielle put Ares in the witness protection program for the show’s hillbilly offering
26. Renee O'Connor directs another episode
27. Alexis Arquette stars as Caligula
28. Aphrodite kisses Gabrielle...just 🔥
29. Xena and Gabrielle dance erotically with each other a third time this season in "The God You Know"
30. Xena loses her ability to kill gods
31. Caligula steals Aphrodite’s godhood, causing everyone in the world to lose their ability to love
32. There's a reality TV episode with cameras and everything
33. Xena reinstates Ares' and Aphrodites' godhoods, righting the world once again
34. Xena and Gabrielle finally part ways with Eve for good
35. As queen, Gabrielle leads Xena and the Amazons into a devastating war
36. Almost all of the Amazons are wiped out
37. Almost all of the Centaurs are wiped out
38. Xena and Gabrielle get cloned into the 21st century
39. The best episode of Xena happens
40. Caesar fucks with Xena and Gabrielle’s fate
41. Xena tells Gabrielle that she loves her, twice, in this amazing episode
42. Gabrielle destroys the Loom of Fate
43. Xena commissions Sappho, an actual Lesbian, to write a poem for Gabrielle
44. Xena and Gabrielle fly using Hermes' helmet
45. Modern day scientists reveal an ancient marriage license between Ares and Xena. Xena shows up and destroys it
46. Xena fucking kisses Ares again
47. Japan
48. We meet Akemi but it's her last dance
49. Long ago, while fighting for her life, Xena inadvertently started a fire that lead to the deaths of 40,000 people
50. Gabrielle learns the sword
51. Xena teaches Gabrielle the pinch (twice) 
52. Gabrielle is able to wield the chakram
53. Gabrielle gets a tattoo
54. Gabrielle kisses Xena like she means it
55. Xena and Gabrielle tell each other they love each other for the last time
56. Xena dies a second time this season
57. Gabrielle sails away on her own

I know, right? It's a lot, but it is the last season.

Series Final Death-count

Xena: 5.5 (.5 for fake dying and skipping 25 years in Season 5)
Gabrielle: 4.5 (Ditto w/the .5) 

QUALITY: While in Texas at the beginning of Covid, I bought a newer DVD set of Xena: Warrior Princess - The Complete Series (Because I didn't have the foresight or wherewithal to bring my original set with me from NYC). It's the whole show on DVD but condensed to a single slender box. I watched Season 6 episodes 13–16 in Texas using that set. The collection remains in Texas to this day, sitting on my parents' bookshelf somewhere in the Suzy Orman sector. Maybe it was just my hypersensitive imagination at the time, but the quality seemed not great. I wish I'd brought the set back to Brooklyn with me, so I could tell you about the aspect ratio or at least how many discs there are, but the thing wouldn't fit in my suitcase. And honestly I thought I would've been back in Texas by now. My winter coat is also still there, and my 5x5 speed cube, if that tells you anything. 

I can tell you that for the Seasons 1-6 DVD bundle (You know, the big, bulbous DVD set with six separate box sets inside one oversized, ill-fitting box) the aspect ratio never changed. The episodes were 4:3 all the way through. I recall buzz about some of the later episodes being presented in widescreen. I don't recall the slender DVD set (Texas) featuring any widescreen, but I don't know for sure. If I go home and find that it does, I'll come back here and eat crow. I love crow.

RANK: Ok, now...This feels a little unfair, because Season 6 is such a chad. Before I laid out all the Season 6 episode reviews onto one sheet (so I could see the number of favorites and stars and shit all at once), I really wondered if Season 6 even made the technical cut as best season. I don't know why I thought there was a chance of that not happening. Season 6 has the most stars and favorites by FAR, thus, a no-brainer.

Favorite Seasons Rank:

1) Season 6

2) Season 4

3) Season 5

4) Season 3

5) Season 2

6) Season 1

...It doesn't mean I love the others any less. Also I really should reexamine this decision between Season 5 and 4, to make sure I'm not ranking out of spite or misplaced anger. In the Season 5 summary, I actually said I should think about moving Season 3 ahead of Season 5. Wow, so. I need to look at that, too...I can't believe 6 is number one. It really is that good.

Season 6 favorites I’m questioning: Should "Send in the Clones" be a fave? What makes a favorite? I come to you, today, asking. Because I remember what "Send in the Clones" is about, I think of it fondly, and it has such gay stuff as Gabrielle and Xena riding away together in a taxi, clinking champagne stems. I gave the ep 5 stars.

The only other 5-star rankers in the season are "The Haunting of Amphipolis" and "The Last of the Centaurs." 

• Seriously wondering why I gave "The Haunting of Amphipolis" only five stars and will definitely revisit this decision before next post.
• "The Last of the Centaurs" was for sure the weakest episode in the season. It was a slog, but it wasn't terrible, so five stars is just. Because "Clones" feels better than "Centaurs," I wonder if I underrated "Clones." 
• HOWEVER, since "Send in the Clones" is so clip-laden, I'd feel weird bumping it to 6 stars.
• So...do I favorite a 5-star episode?

Let's look at other 5-star favorites in the series. [Looks...] WOW. Not a single 5-star episode in the series has been deemed a favorite. If I changed "Send in the Clones" to a favorite, it would be the first 5-starrer to snatch that heavily sought-after fave. Huh. I didn't purposely withhold favorites from 5-star eps. There's no rule that says anything less than 6 stars won't get favorited. I fully expected to find a couple 5-star faves just now. When we get to 6-star reviews, things change. Would be interesting to see if 7+ reviews are always favorites, but this is a convo for another time.

Other eps I’m questioning: As just unearthed – "The Haunting of Amphipolis." I'm having all kinds of off-shot feelings right now that need to be caged and set aside, so that's what I'm doing. This post is turning into a Creeping Jenny before my very eyes. I gotta rewatch this episode. Might change it to a 6 and also favorite. 

Ep Chat: 

• "Soul Possession:" I'm realizing that this title is because Ares owned Xena’s soul in exchange for giving-back Gabrielle's soul. That’s so deep. It’s so interesting looking back at the titles and how they relate to the story. Does this title point to Xena and Gabrielle owning each other’s souls? Great name.
• "A Friend in Need: The Director's Cut:" Because this whole movie was stuck on a single DVD shared with a whole 'nother episode and some extra features I haven't explored, the resolution was low. That's ok, I'm really glad to have had access to the Director's Cut at all; I just needed to note the quality. Which I've done now. There's, I think, a solo DVD release of "AFIN:TDC" one can procure that I'm sure is high quality. I'd be into exploring that later.

SUBTEXT: Ho, ho, hooooomy GOD. The show's jewels are out in Season 6: 

1. Gabrielle gives Xena mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I can't explain how this is subtext, I just know that it is
2. Xena says to Eve, "I know how hard it is to say you're sorry to someone you love,” then she looks at Gabrielle and apologizes
3. Ares confuses regular Gabrielle with the imposter Gabrielle who recently got it on with him. He grabs Gabrielle suggestively, confused as to why she's not all up on him. Xena stops him, appalled 
4. Xena and Gabrielle's bodies become one again at the arms and legs
5. Gabrielle puts the pinch on Xena then brings her back to life, giving her a "small death"
6. Lucifer refers to Gabrielle as Xena's "blonde girlfriend"
7. Xena summons Gabrielle to dance with her during the orgy, at which point, Gabrielle drops what she's doing, which happens to be Virgil
8. Gabrielle hits Xena in the head with a balled-up dress to stop her kissing Lucifer
9. Xena confronts Gabrielle about making out with Virgil
10. Xena tells Lucifer that Gabrielle has been her partner for years
11. Xena can barely keep her shit together watching Gabrielle dance at Gurkhan's
12. Xena takes the fall for Gabrielle and gets her ass beaten so badly, she hallucinates Gabrielle dancing sexy for her to sooth herself
13. Xena is so pissed at seeing a guy wash Gabrielle's feet, she stops her important meeting in the desert and makes Gabrielle leave with her
14. In "The Abyss," Gabrielle spills all of her beans to Xena, telling her she loves her, that she wants to be buried with her, that Xena's path is her path, etc. That whole episode
15. Pretty sure Xena signed a letter to Gabrielle with a lipsticked open mouth kiss, after writing "My love for you is endless." 
16. Odin tells Brunhilda he's heard through the dickvine that she's in love with "Xena's partner"
17. Xena confesses to Gabrielle that she doesn't like Brunhilda and lists every reason except her obvious jealousy
18. Like Sleeping Beauty, Gabrielle sleeps eternal and can only be awakened by the kiss of her soulmate, who is Xena. Try to remember what the rules were in Sleeping Beauty (1959) and who woke her up
19. During an argument with Gabrielle, Ares asks her if there's anything they agree on. They both look at Xena
20. Xena doesn't like the reality TV crew touching Gabrielle
21. At the end of Nigel's broadcast, he asks Xena and Gabrielle about their relationship. Just when it looks like they're about to dish a meaty answer, the picture goes out
22. In Gabrielle's play "Fallen Angel," the couple at the end recite the words from the actual episode "Fallen Angel" to each other and their situation is romantic
23. Xena says, "Woah..These are spoken for," when Genia tries to lay her head upon her bosom
24. Xena makes a joke about cunnilingus when Genia eats her fish too fast
25. Gabrielle giggles in bed about something cold touching her feet and tells Xena to stop it
26. Xena got Sappho to write a poem for Gabrielle. Sappho. That is so gay. Sappho's why we call lesbian things "sapphic" and why we call lesbians "lesbians." Because Sappho loved women and is from the Greek island of Lesbos. Literal and actual. It's the mainest subtext I've ever seen.
27. Dr. Delaney announces at a conference that they unearthed proof that "Xena was married!" Everyone thinks, to Gabrielle! Then Dr. Delaney finishes, "-to Ares!"
28. Gabrielle casually tries to get info on Akemi out of Kenji
29. Xena intimately teaches Gabrielle the pinch, laying her life literally at Gabrielle's fingertips

If you see that I've missed something in this lush-ass list, please keep in mind it's not a list of everything relationshippy and sexual that happens between Xena and Gabrielle. It's only the subtext (i.e. things that hint at them being together). Still, it's likely I missed something.

Once again, I am startled at the sheer volume of how many other people our girls suck face/hook up with: Xena kisses Ares two mf times, Lucifer once (she sure likes 'em bad.) Our sweet angel Gabrielle makes out with Virgil (the kissing didn't occur onscreen, but I'm sure it happened, god dammit. One doesn't usually get to 2nd base without passing through 1st.) And Gabrielle and Aphrodite kiss! It's something I didn't dare to think of. Dude, Ares and Aphrodite are brother and sister and they each have a thing for Xena and Gabrielle, respectively. WOW. I see what y'all did there, love that so much.

Then there's the little thing of Gabrielle and Xena kissing three times this season. Three fucking times. Three. On camera for all of us to see. No one pulled it away from us like a dollar on a string.

Is there another TV show that pulled-off such a final season? I love this show so much. LOVED Season 6 with my whole body. You can tell so many in production cared about Xena: Warrior Princess. So much heart went into it and nowhere more evident than Season 6. I'm forever grateful.

Series confab to come!

ἰδού! The Gold Standard of Television: Season 6 of Xena: Warrior Princess: