Oh my god, this episode was fucking hilarious. I laughed so hard. Here are some random notes I took right after the episode:
- This episode is so gay, holy shit. Someone actually said to Xena that she and Gabrielle had broken up and Xena actually said they were just taking a break. That is word-for-word sexual and emotional relationship dialect.
- I think someone mispronounced “blasphemer.”
- This is the one where Renee O’Connor and Ted Raimi had to reshoot the scene because ROC couldn’t stop laughing.
- The word domestic was used when describing settling down with Xena. They’re just a straight up couple in this.
- It was refreshing watching Gabrielle and Xena hang out with each other and just chat, and holy fuck, this was gay.
OK, I love it…when the writers have someone talk in their sleep as a joke. Ares did it in “God Fearing Child.” G does it here. It’s so good. The "Queen Gabrielle" thing? So at night, Xena says, “Queen Gabrielle” and this is Gabrielle's cue to play “Queen Gabrielle” in bed. That’s BDSM, sugars.
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1) G: "Don't shoot! Lady with a baby." – Hahaha!
2) G: "Have you ever thought about settling down, here?" X: "Like when I'm too old to do kicks and stuff?" – Aaaaahahhahahaa!
3) Joxer: “Hello heh heh, name's Joxer, spelled Joxerrrrrrrr. Know what I mean? Uh, I'm a warrior. I've killed a lot of people. That turn you on? Killing people?" – Good one, Joxer.
4) X: "What was that?" G: "Was that you?…That's the ram's horn.” – Hahahaha! This is the only fart joke I’ll laugh at.
5) X: "You know what, Gabrielle? I don't know that this is gonna work. Look, what am I supposed to do around here all day while you're off ‘queening'?" – Hahhahaha queening.
6) X: "Oh, Evie you know what? One day, all of this will be yours. Mind you here you're safe from the Greek gods Gabrielle's happy place is loaded with baby sitters.” – Don’t DO this to meeee!!
7) Eris: “I can fight! I can jump! Uh! Ya! And I can do thirty of these things!" X: "But, can you clean?" – Yay.
8) X: "Yep, whittling is fun." – This is so gay. I would put it in subtext, but it’s so full already.
9) Rhea: "You're the first man I've ever been near. Who wasn't trying to kill me." – Funny line by Rhea.
10) Joxer: “Hey, listen! We're not just machines, you know, you can use to-. Besides you know, uh we can't just do it on command. We need stuff like, uh, cheap motel rooms and dirty pictures and lingerie stuff like that! We're not animals!" – Hahahaha!
11) G: "Xena, I can make a difference with this tribe. You do understand that, don't you?" X: "I do." G: "You don't." X: "No, I don't. Look, it's not that I haven't tried, Gabrielle." G: "Tried? Xena, I can dance better than that." X: "This is just not me, all right? This whole place, the the shared meals, communal bathing, group laundry day. All this togetherness is making me sick! I can hardly breathe." – Hahahahaha group laundry day. Excellent, bold writing at the beginning of this quote, too.
12) Cyane: "Now we take off your clothes." G: "Excuse me?" Cyane: "We can't cover the rest of your body while you're still wearing clothes." G: "I don't think I'm familiar with this ritual." Cyane: "As queen you must pay tribute to the full moon." G: "In mud?" Cyane: "You must show the glory of your form to Sister Moon, so that she will smile on you. It will bring us great good fortune. It's an important Amazon tradition." G: "Riiiiight. Well then, for tradition's sake what's next?" Cyane: "Sister Wolf must talk to the moon." – Ahahahahahahaa This shit is my favorite part.
13) Eris: "I have to work out a few kinks, but you gotta admit, those were pretty cool flips." X: "Yeah, they were pretty cool." Eris: "What about the war cry?" X: "It kind of sounded like a yak in labor." – Hahhaaha this is mean…
14) Joxer: "No. You're very attractive. I just don't think this is gonna work. Look, you're a pagan. I'm a Zoroastrian. How will we raise our kids?" – Hahahahaa!
15) G: "Is this another ceremony I don't know about?" Cyane: "This time, he has broken the most sacred law of the Amazons. He was kissing Rhea out of season." – OH MY GOD this is funny.
16) Rhea: "I'm sorry, Joxer. None of this would have happened if I hadn't wanted a baby so much." Joxer: "What's the big rush?" Rhea: "I've never felt as strong as I do when I hold Eve. It's like I could take on anyone do anything for someone so helpless and sweet. But having my own baby seemed impossible till you came along." – Very deep what Rhea is saying about having a baby, and I’m fascinated they chose this actress to play this character.
17) Amazon: "Time to die, pervert!" – Love the triteness of this sweet-ass line.
18) X: "I am Xena! The ultimate woman! Versus Joxer! The ultimate meatball! And I will crrrrrush his head like a peanut between the thighs of dooooooom!” – Hahaha thighs of doom. If he's not up for it, I nominate myself.
19) G: "Come on, girl!" – This…is so fucking, funny.
20) Cyane: "You tricked us!" X: "You pronounced him dead yourself. Nothing says he has to stay dead." Cyane: "But our laws say-" G: "-should be changed. When they make someone die for a kiss." Rhea: "Or get banished." Eris: "Or get an eye gouged out for getting an eyeful of us." Cyane: "All I wanted was to keep us strong keep our heritage alive. I thought that's what we needed, what you wanted. My apologies to you and the tribe, and I humbly ask for your permission to leave it." G: "Permission denied. You love this tribe, Cyane. They need you especially since I'll be leaving, with Xena?" – Love when Gabrielle says “should be changed.”
21) G: "I bet they make Cyane queen at the next full moon." X: "You all right with that?" G: "Do you mean, will I miss being caked in mud, howling at the moon?" X: "Well, will ya?" G: "No. Hmm I think she'll do she'll do pretty well now that she's loosened up a bit." X: "Yeah, but she won't be as good as you." – ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️!!
MAINTEXT QUOTES:
1) Rhea: "Who wouldn't wanna play? When you've got a cute little baby like Eve around? Ah, what a doll! Xena's so lucky!" Eris: "If you ask me, Gabrielle's the lucky one, having Xena for a best friend." – See, Eris is going right after Xena.
2) Eris: "You don't need a man, unless you want a baby, and we've got Eve to play with." – Hard stare.
3) Eris: "We're in charge of staging the dance for Gabrielle's coronation." X: "Congratulations." Eris: "Thanks, but we were kinda hoping that you'd be in it, too. After all, you're her best friend, and until I came along, she was your closest, most loyal companion, right?" X: "What did you say?" Eris: "Don't you wanna help make this the most special day of her life?" X: "Yes" – I would have loved to hear where Xena's line of questioning would've gone after "What did you say?" That made her mad. It was awesome.
4) Eris: "Xena, now that you and are Gabrielle broken up, you definitely need a new traveling partner." X: "No, no, hang on. See, Gabrielle and I have only separated for a couple of weeks, just so we can work things out." – BROKEN UP. She used the words BROKEN UP. I have never told someone that I've broken up with a friend. I've only - ONLY - used that expression when referring to a sexual relationship.
5) Eris: "If you only want me for a couple of weeks, I can live with that. It'll be a great experience-- and who knows what'll develop." X: "Eris, I'm not looking for a sidekick, temporary or otherwise. I'm sorry.” – God, that’s blatant.
SUBTEXT QUOTES:
1) G: "I always knew it was gonna happen. You're nesting." X: "Nesting 'cause I built a swing." – I love the way Xena says this.
2) G: "Xena, (nesting) is perfectly natural. You're a mother. Actually, I feel the same way." X: "What way is that?" G: "Have you ever thought about settling down, here?" X: "Like when I'm too old to do kicks and stuff?" G: "No, I mean right now. Xena, it's a beautiful place. You could raise Eve here." – This is so gay, I can't even breathe. What conversation is this.
3) X: "Gabrielle, are you saying that you wanna stay here and be queen?" G: "Well, only if you and Eve would stay. I think you should consider it. You wanna stay, don't you?" – There's nothing to say about this, these women are lesbians.
4) G: "It makes sense, Xena. We've never really had our own home. So, I see this place as our domestic bliss. All we have to do is fix it up a little bit." X: "It wouldn't hurt to consider it." G: "Thanks." – “We’ve never really had our own home,” I tell my best friend every day.
5) X: "You know, I counted on him and he let me down." G: "If we build a porch" X: "Hmm." G: "just around this side, we could lay out there with Eve." – This is gay. When have you ever heard friends discuss building a porch together. Why would two friends build a porch together?
6) Cyane: "I had a man before I joined the Amazons." Rhea: "It's tough for an Amazon to meet men." Er: "Well, I'm a virgin and I'm gonna stay that way forever." X: "Forever's a long time." – Xena looks knowingly at Gabrielle, and Gabrielle chokes on her drink. You know what kind of people stay virgins forever? Lesbians.7) Rhea: "What's it like? Being with a man?" X: "The good news is: it's different every time. The bad news is: it's different every time. You're always hoping for Greek fire but sometimes you just get diddly." G: "Xena has studied the subject more than I have, but I think she's trying to say that some people are better lovers than others." – THAT LOOK. OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT LOOK? And the smilin'. Why are they lookin' at each other like that? What the fuck are you guys doin??
8) Rhea: "What makes a man a good lover? Being gentle and kind?" X: "No." G: "Yes." – HOLY FUCK, IS GABRIELLE REFERRING TO XENA? I'M DYING. Or is Xena like, "What the fuck are you talking about. You had sex with a man and he was fucking gentle and you liked it? How would you know this??"9) G: "It's a complicated subject." X: "You'll figure out what suits you best as you get older." Rhea: "But how can I? Every time we see a man, they want to kill us. How can we meet nice guys even not-so-nice guys? It seems like a lost cause." Eris: "You don't need a man, unless you want a baby, and we've got Eve to play with." Rhea: "Not for long. They're taking Eve with them when they go." G: "Actually, we're considering settling down here." – This comment by Eris is so latent lesbian. A straight woman wouldn't say this. Women don't need women either, know what I'm sayin'?
10) Cyane: "Queen Gabrielle!" G: [Waking up] "Not tonight.” – Oooooohhh myyyyy gggoooooodddd
I listened to this this day, and if you ask me, this is all Xena wanted to say to Gabrielle the whole episode.
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