Xena: Season 5, Episode 14: "Amphipolis Under Siege"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“Funky Cold Athena”

Well, shit, this was a great episode too! I think knowing what Season 6 has in store has made me trust watching Season 5 more.

My biggest character standout (aside from the regs) from all the seasons during my 2009 viewing was Athena. She is slight, but oh my god, she’s such a good actor. That face. And there's a moment where she full-on smiles that I'm obsessed with.

A first for Xena: Athena is in love with her favored, and Ares calls her out on it. The last time I saw anything remotely this lesbian on Xena (besides our two gals) was when Najara went after Gabrielle. Athena and Ilainus' relationship is blatant, and I'm here for it.

I really loved Xena and Ilainus’ fight. It was pretty beautiful. It wasn't lost on me that Xena appreciated Ilainus’ skill and even sort of felt bad about stabbing her. It was nice.

Number of times someone summons Ares: 2
Number of times someone says “Get outta my way!”: 2

I am considering upping my rating to an 8. Would give it 7.5, if I could. I feel like all of my love for it mostly stems from Athena.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Athena: "Don't tell me one of those toll collectors laid a weapon on you." Ilainus: "Xena was there." Athena: "You have my favor, Ilainus, always. But take care, it doesn't make you any less mortal." Ilainus: "I saw the child. I could have killed her for you." Athena: "You're a fine warrior, Ilainus. But the most dangerous animal on Earth is a mother protecting her young. In the name of Zeus I will kill the child myself." – I love the part about the most dangerous animal on earth, because it’s true.

2) Ares: "Who was it who said, 'An army is a terrible thing to waste.'?" I think it was me.” – heh heh

3) Ilainus: "Athena doesn't need your help." Ares: "Nor any man's, it would seem." – A nod to Athena being gay af.

4) Athena: "I considered that, but Gabrielle is leading the attack. Xena would never risk her second-in-command on a suicidal feint." – Love this line.

5) X: "I know who you are. You're Athena's new champion, Ilainus of Mycenae. You heal quickly. Or was that divine intervention?” – For a second, this is a respectful exchange. I like that.

6) X: Why are you doing this, Athena? Ares, I could understand. He's always out for himself. And Zeus was just clinging to power, but you, of all the Olympians, you were the only one who ever seemed to deserve my respect."

7) Cyrene: "Please, facing down a god I can handle. Well, I raised you, remember? Terrible twos, terrible threes, terrible fourteens." X: "Sorry I made it so tough for you." Cyrene: "Oh now look, just listen for once. You know, in the end it's worth all the heartache in the world just to see your child grow up strong, proud. I'd like you to know what that's like, Xena." X: "I will, Mom. I will." – [SERIES SPOILER] Narrator: She doesn’t. [END SPOILER] I also love any talk about what Xena was like as a kid.

8) Ares: "Ow. Athena is beatin' you like a dog out there. Put a poultice on it. It's gotta sting." X: "Thanks." Ares: "Hey, don't feel bad. After all, you're fighting the goddess of wisdom and warfare." X: "Don't forget weaving." - Aaahhahaahaha

9) X: "You help me defeat Athena and I'm yours." Ares: "You're mine." X: "For years, you've been wanting me to be your Warrior Queen. Well I'm offering you my sword and the body that wields it." – If this isn’t the sexiest line…

10) G: "Do you want to give Eve to Athena?! Does anybody else feel that way?! We give up the baby and go back to our fields in peace, until the next god comes along and they want your child, or yours. We're not fighting for Xena. We're fighting for ourselves, for our right to be treated like human beings. Not game pieces. If any one of you is willing to give up their own child, then speak up! Because I will not have you fighting next to me! Back to your posts.” – This is awesome. Almost tear-inducing. Like I almost cried.

11) G: “Ares! Ares, I need to talk to you." Ares: "Well, aren't I Mr. Popular?" – Haha

12) G: "If you accept, you will destroy Xena. You will turn her into exactly what she used to be, a vicious killer." Ares: "Yeah, well I kinda liked that Xena." G: "Did you? Then why are you so obsessed with who she is now? Tell me you don't feel anything for the real Xena, the good Xena. Ares, if you make her do this, she will never love you." Ares: "Do you think she'd really give herself to me to save Eve?" G: "Has she ever said anything she doesn't mean?" Ares: "Thank you." G [Whispers]: "Don't do it." – Before we find out what Gabrielle is really doing, this exchange is incredible. It’s still incredible...If it's supposed to read that she actually really means this, even though she knows it's a trick, mission: complete.

13) Ares: "So Sis how goes the siege?" Athena: "I'm about to start catapulting dead cows into the village." Ares: "And a classic it is." – If Athena wasn’t so mind-staggering, I would’ve laughed at this.

14) Ares: "Have you considered that maybe this prophecy is fulfilling itself?! Think about it. What can Xena's baby do to us? Really? Yet the more we fight amongst ourselves about the future of this one tiny child, the more vulnerable we become." Athena: "Because of this one tiny child, Zeus is already dead!" Ares: "If he'd let well enough alone, Hercules wouldn't have killed him." Athena: "And what if you're wrong, Ares? Is it worth the risk for one child? Or for one woman? There will be no compromise." – Ares is the first to catch on to what’s really happening with the prophecy...Go with me onthis for a sec. If years ago, The Fates or god were to tell our country (USA), that in the future, Russia would defeat the United States, we would not have foreseen that it was our own people who allowed that to happen.

15) Cyrene: "I suppose it could be worse. I mean, after all, he is a god. Although, I would have preferred Apollo or or maybe Hermes." Ares: "Excuse me, Hermes? With the wings on the feet? Oh, please." – Hahhahaa

16) Ares: "Now Gabrielle is attacking. She's providing us with the perfect cover." X: "What are you saying?" Ares: "Leave her now, while Athena's distracted, and I'll take you and your daughter someplace else." – This should probs go under Subtext, or even Maintext. This is really gay. "Leave her. Leave your wife for me."

17) X: "Get outta my way, Gabrielle. I'm going to save these people, and you." – If I didn’t know this was a trick, this was Xena about to sacrifice her child for Gabrielle.

18) X: "Don't make it worse with your platitudes. Do it while she's asleep. Do it." Athena: "You might want to look away." X: "If my daughter's to be sacrificed to save these people, the least I can do honor her is to remember every detail." – This is a sweet, intense line. Fuck. But also…I mean, it was pretty obvious that wasn’t Eve, right? And if it was, what child would sleep through a frickin war?

19) Ares: "You know what they say? Blood is thicker than water but blood runs hardest when love is involved." Athena: "You're really whipped, aren't you?" – This is hilarious. I love it when people tell other people they're whipped. Athena’s lines are awesome, all of them.

20) Athena: "What's the matter, Bro? Worried about your girlfriend?" Ares: "Me? No. Worried about yours?" – This is amazing.

21) Ares: "I saved your child." X: "You saved my dolly." – Ha! Is this Xena’s childhood doll?

22) X: "I felt nothing." Ares: "This isn't finished. As long as your child lives, they'll keep coming and then you're gonna have to come to me for help." [He vanishes] X: "I felt something." – I see the reason for doing this, but also, fuck you, writers.

23) G: "Xena." X: "Hmm?" G: "Did you say that you felt something?" X: "No." G: "No, I think I heard you. You said you felt something." X: "Gabrielle, I said no such thing." G: "Oh, really?" X: "Maybe a little something." G: "What?" – I would’ve loved to hear the rest of this conversation. I have to keep reminding myself that Ares & Xena is more about Xena’s relationship with war and death and evil than it is about an actual person. Her favorite thing in the world is fighting and killing people, which is what Ares is.

I listened to this song this day. It reminds me of Athena and how even her godly powers couldn't save her hot lover. Crayon Fields - "Slow Magic."

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