Xena: Season 6, Episode 01: "Coming Home"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"They Can't All Be 'Fallen Angel'"

Not the biggest bang I’d hoped for, but not bad for the buck. I wanted to hit pause so many times, you guys. Lots of good stuff here.

First of all, there are new opening credits! They appear to be clips from Seasons 5 and 6, if I'm not mistaken, and I never am.

Safe to say that Xena - both Furied and non-Furied - has the best lines in the episode. A gift. 

Of course about halfway-in, Xena apologizes to Gabrielle for the whole chakram thing that happened the episode prior, and it was so obvious a show's APOLOGY TO THE AUDIENCE, that I had to wonder if's ever happened before.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "Maybe he wants to see you again. After all, he does have a thing for you." X: "Nah, he wants something." G: "My point exactly." – Come on, Xena walked right into that one.

2) Ares: “No more excuses! I want that village!" Captain: "But, sir why don't you use your powers to blast them into oblivion?" Ares: "Where's the fun in that? Now, get moving.” – I kinda love this dialogue, "But sir!"

3) Ares: "I don't do mortal at all well. I'm more of a, um, now what is that word? Um - GOD." – As soon as Ares talked like this, I knew it would be a good Ares episode. He’s best when he’s whiny.

4) F/X: "This greater good thing gets old, right?" Ares: "Never tried it." – Hahaha, didn’t see that joke coming.

5) F/X: "To ask me for help?" Ares: "Yeah that sucked." F/X: "And all because you did a good deed. Was it worth it?" Ares: "Let me get back to you on that one." F/X: [Xena kisses Ares. Gabrielle walks in and sees them.] F/G: "What are you doing?" Ares: "To think I actually saved your life." F/G: "Xena [incredulous]" F/X: "Gabrielle I thought you were watchin' the Amazons."

6) Ares: "What happened to the peace-loving blonde chick you used to be?" F/G: "Ares, that Gabrielle's been gone a long time. You and Xena showed me that warriors rule the world, not philosophers." Ares [Puts his arms around both of them.]: "I could get used to this. I could."

7) Varia: "Then you can fight me, now. Come on. Hit me." Eve: "I'm not looking for trouble." Varia: "I live for trouble." Eve: "Believe me, you don't wanna make me angry." – Or maybe you do, Varia. Fuck!

8) Ares: "I'll tell my commander to prepare for an all-out assault. [Tries to snap himself to the commander, it doesn’t work.] I have got to get that ambrosia. I will never get used to walking everywhere." F/X: "Oh, and Ares, when we do get the ambrosia why don't we split it four ways? We could create Olympus on Earth." Ares: "Four ways? Nasty. Sounds great.” – I will never get tired of Ares sexually-charged jokes.

10) Ares: "Sh! Not so loud." Blacksmith: "Uh, beg your pardon, my lord." Ares: "You got a point there." Blacksmith: "Uh, I have? I thought I filed them all down." - It's been a long time since a bit part had such a funny joke.

11) Ares: "War, baby! Come on. You were hot for it before." X: "Ares, there's not going to be any war." Ares: "Oh you are such a kidder. No war. Don't touch me." G: "He has lost his mind." – Love the way G says this.

12) Varia: "I was right, you were a serious warrior. Don't you miss it? I mean, the knot in your stomach as you prepare for war?" Eve: "The quiet after a tough battle." Varia: "Yeah." Eve: "Victory snatched from the jaws of defeat, death so close, then suddenly driven away. No I don't miss it."

13) Varia: "Will you teach me some moves?" Eve: "Will you use them to hurt others?" – Uuuuh, maybe you should, Varia. And maybe you should start with your Mistress, Eve.

14) Varia: "Admit you enjoyed teaching me that." – OH MY GOD.

15) Varia: “You’re Livia, the bitch of Rome.” – The show's really gotta stop saying this, if they want me to take them seriously.

16) Marga: "Her army attacked us at night and many of our best warriors were killed." Varia: "They were the lucky ones." G: "Lucky to die?" – This had to be spelled out, did it.

17) Marga: "Our law says Eve must die." G: "I can't let that happen, Marga." Marga: "Are you challenging me." G: "If it comes to that, I am challenging you." Marga: "That Roman did save my life, and we do need Xena. We'll wait until after this is resolved before we deal with her." – Love that Gabrielle takes the lead on this and Xena doesn't say a word.

18) Marga: "Varia! Obey me! Take her to the hut and bind her!" – …I mean...

19) X: "That sword had better be for Ares' men. What Eve did to your people is unforgivable but she is my daughter. And if anything happens to her while she's in your custody, you'll have me to deal with. And trust me...You ain't ready for that." – God damn that’s an awesome line.

20) Eve: “If only they knew how sorry I am." X: "I know how hard it is to say you're sorry, especially to someone you love. Gabrielle, when I hit you with my chakram-" G: "Xena it wasn't your fault, it was The Furies. They drove me to try to kill your daughter. I've forgiven you. You should, too." X: "I nearly lost you." – It’s hard watching the writers explain-away “the incident” like this. Wish I could've fit this moment into my one-pager, but it didn't embody the episode. Important though.

21) F/X: "What's the matter? Can't get your rocks off?" Ares: "What?" F/X: It's embarrassing." – Hahahaha! What the fuck.

22) F/X: "You're a pathetic mortal, who couldn't think his way out of a papyrus sack." – Hokey ancient joke.

23) Ares: "No, no, see, you can't talk that way to me anymore, because if it wasn't for mEeEeEeEeEeEeEee!...your little friend and your crazed brat would be dead!" – Hahahahaha

24) Ares: "What are you lookin' at?! Don't look at me! What are you lookin' at?! Do _not_ look at me!" – Love this little bit.

25) X: "Ares, it's The Furies. The Furies! Do you hear me?! They're driving you insane." Ares: "No, it is youUuuUuuUu!..who are driving me insane!” – Excellent, just excellent.

26) Ares: "You don't bring me flowers anymore. No you hate me. You have always hated me! I tried to give you Olympus! I tried to give you everything! But you stabbed me in the back!" X: "We just didn't want the same things." Ares: "Liar! You want it. You want the power, but you're too much of a coward to admit it.” – Wait, but did she really used to bring him flowers, or is he making a joke in the middle of a breakdown? Probably the latter, but a girl can imagine.

27) Ares: “You took it all, you betrayed me. [Laughs] Laugh, come on! But you're not gonna live to enjoy it." – Hahahaha, this is an awesome meltdown by Ares.

28) X: "All right, Ares. This is between you and me." Ares: "Yeah, yeah, Xena. Take a number. I'll get to you." X: "What's the matter, god of war? You afraid of a girl?" – NOICE.

29) X: "You're losing it. Oh, and Ares, gods don't bleed. Care to explain that to your loyal troops?" – TOIGHT.

30) Ares: “I loved you, Xena.” – God, how many times are we going to hear this.

31) Ares: "Mortality stinks not to mention hurts." X: "Yeah, it does sometimes." Ares: "You have got a wicked right jab." X: "Sorry about that." – Is this the episode of everyone just tiddlywinking around cleaning a wound? Xena is doinggg what to Ares’ face?

32) Ares [Brief Sigh]: "It's not the end of the world. Who knows? Maybe as a mortal I can experience something I never could as a god." X: "Like what?" Ares: "Like you." X: "You never give up, do you?"

33) Ares: "I guess I'm finally gettin' to you." X: "You always got to me, but you were bad for me, Ares. You still are." Ares: "Xena, is there even a chance we could be together one day? I don't know, maybe, you know, one in a thousand?" X: "More like one in a billion." Ares: "So you're sayin' there is a chance." – Someone somewhere made a similar joke once and I can’t remember which movie or show it was. Maybe That 70’s Show?…I’ll think of it.

I listened to this song this day, and it...makes sense to me re: Coming Home. Thank you.

Xena: Season 6 Pre-Thoughts [SPOILERS]

Look, if you haven't seen Season 6, be warned: this entire post is a spoiler for Season 6. I just want you to know that. If you don't want it spoiled, get outta here and watch Season 6. If you've already seen Season 6, go forth, my child.

THIS WHOLE ENTRY IS A SPOILER.  

 Now's your chance to save yourself. 

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Ooooohhhh my god, I am SO. FREAKIN. EXCITED. about Season 6..."Y’ALL." I’m practically squealing like a little bitty pig. You’d have to see it to believe it. I mean, there’s so much good fucking shit coming up. Anymore and I couldn’t stand it!

It’s true, Season 5 was much better than I remembered, but it didn’t leave me warm like Season 4 did. Season 5 was good but detached, like a sandwich with no condiments. A half-flat Coca Cola. A 2-year-old battery in your cell phone. Frank Ocean’s Blonde album. Season 9 of Friends. I could go on, but what I’m basically saying is, Season 5 wasn’t a deal breaker. As is said of David Bowie, even bad Xena is good Xena, and I’ll never say no to watching a troubled season.

Now, Season 6? Well…I think you just have no idea what’s about to happen to you. Season 6 houses the deepest episodes, the most imaginative episodes, the most surprising episodes…the gayest episodes.

If it tells you anything, take a look at the box set details in the post before this. You’ll see that every picture in and of the Season 6 box set is Xena or Gabrielle. This is the first time it’s been just them. The other seasons contain other characters, such as Joxer, Callisto, Ares. That is all you need to know about Season 6.

Season 6 is a different show with different rules. While Season 5 faltered in the most disappointing way, it still played in the same arena as the other seasons. With Season 6, production knew it would be the last, so they let their creative champagne flow. I recall being shocked as fuck by some of the things that happened in Season 6.

Such as:

1. Xena grapples with a Groot-like monster
2. Xena has a past as a Valkyrie
3. There’s a fucking Sleeping Beauty episode, during which Xena is the one to wake Gabrielle
4. Gabrielle leads the remaining Amazons in a horrible battle that they win but practically wipes them out
5. Gabrielle, for the first time, plans to assassinate a ruler, like Xena did to Ming T’ien in Season 3
6. It takes a minute, but the show eventually leaves Eve behind
7. Xena and Gabrielle take-up with Ares on a farm, thus serving us a hillbilly episode
8. Alti makes an appearance
9. Another hilarious episode done in the spirit of “A Day in the Life”
10. There’s yet another chick trying to replace Gabrielle? Am I remembering right?
11. Xena gives Gabrielle a poem from fucking Sappho
12. Aphrodite isn’t doing so great and kisses Gabrielle
13. Gabrielle almost dies from a fight with locals, during which she and Xena say some amazing things
14. The greatest Xena episode of all time, in which Xena and Gabrielle straight up fall in love with each other
15. Xena dies

And this is just the stuff I can remember.

I’m so psyched to watch Season 6, I’m almost paralyzed. I do hope to complete my reviews quickly though, like in the next three months or <. Once I’m done, it will have taken me seven god damn years to review the series. I have nothing else to say about that.

In 2009, Season 5’s dispassionateness hit me like a truck, an injury I marinated in for a few days. Desperate for respite, I took to the world wide web for anything positive about Season 6. Upon reading fan reactions to Season 6, I was saved and explosively, murderously happy to learn that Season 6 not only rebounds from Season 5, but that it *surpasses* all other seasons of Xena. “How is that possible?” I wondered privately and aloud. It’s so, so rare for a last season - especially from the 90’s - to be greater than the others. I can’t think of one, actually, besides Xena: Warrior Princess.

Why is Season 6 so good? I’m gonna go with the fact that it’s filled with new writers and directors who were fans of the show. Some writers were even filched from the ranks of Xena fanfic on the 'net. Sadly, missing from this season’s roster are writers Chris Manheim and Steven L. Sears, both Xena staples throughout every season who wrote some of my favorite episodes.

Just volunteering these statistics for no reason at all: Nine episodes of Season 6 were written solely by women. Only one episode was cowritten by a woman and man. To compare:

• Season 5 has only four episodes written solely by a woman and that woman was Chris Manheim. Three other episodes were cowritten by women and men.
• Season 4 has six episodes written solely by women, with four co-written by women and men.
• Season 3 also has six episodes written solely by women, and five cowritten by women and men.
• Season 2 has three episodes written by Chris Manheim, and six cowritten by women and men.
• Season 1 has five episodes written solely by women, and four cowritten by women and men.

Now, am I saying that this makes a difference? You tell me.

HAPPY WATCHING!!

Xena: Season 6 Box Set Detail

Note: every image in the Season 6 DVD Box Set is of Xena and Gabrielle. A first. I know nothing.

 

 

Outer and inner box

Outer and inner box backs

Beyond pissed about the fucking crease on Xena's forehead when you open this box set. This is the first time I've opened it.

Interior and discs

Back completely unfolded

Xena: Season 5, Outtakes

I live for these goofs. Seriously, they always put me in a good mood!

Xena: Season 5 Summary

A great metaphor for this episode is like ordering Chick-fil-A. You take a few bites, and it’s so fucking delicious, but then suddenly you receive a mildly important phone call that you have to take. The call is positive enough, but now your Chick-fil-A is getting cold.

Ironically, Season 5 has so many good episodes, but it is so stiff at times that I can’t in good conscience rank it #1. Yes, it yielded the greatest work but it also brought me the greatest pain.

But not "Fallen Angel," omgggg. Season 5 could have had "Fallen Angel" and then 21 shitty episodes, and I would still stan it hard because of "Fallen Angel" alone. What a gift to humanity.

Now is a good time to amplify Xena's only Emmy win, which was this season for Joseph LoDuca's score for "Fallen Angel." Xena was nominated for seven Emmys throughout the seasons, all in the music category. Some might consider noms of this kind to be lesser fare, but it's the frickin Emmys. The Emmys announced to the world for years that Xena: Warrior Princess was a real player to be reckoned with. And in the year 2000, against The X-Files, Star Trek: Voyager, Falcone, and Felicity, it won. 

Now, look. Here’s all the big shit that happened in Season 5, girl:

1. Xena and Gabrielle both become archangels and demons in heaven and hell respectively
2. Xena trades her soul to save Callisto
3. Xena and Gabrielle come back to life
4. Callisto impregnates Xena
5. Xena combines the light chakram with her dark chakram, making a splitting chakram
6. Gabrielle is now a warrior who kills using the sai
7. Ares takes an interest in Gabrielle
8. Xena’s western episode
9. Xena is very pregnant
10. Another musical episode
11. Argo gets little
12. Xena gives birth to Eve, who’s to bring the twilight of the gods, so all the gods want to kill her
13. Hercules kills Zeus who killed Hera
14. Athena shimmers into our lives, not unlike the shimmer in Annihilation
15. Joxer almost dies
16. Ares proclaims his love to Xena
17. The worst fucking episode of Xena, ever
18. Gabrielle gives Eve her Amazon rite of caste
19. Gabrielle tries to get Xena to settle down with her, seriously
20. Xena cheats on Gabrielle with Antony
21. Xena and Gabrielle fake their deaths, wake up 25 years later
22. Eve evolves into 25-year-old Livia, champion of Rome who hates her mother
23. Joxer dies
24. Xena and Gabrielle turn Livia back into Eve
25. Xena chakrams Gabrielle in the back of the head, pretty much killing her
26. Ares gives up his immortality to save Eve and Gabrielle
27. Xena kills several prominent Greek gods, including Athena, Hades, Hephaestus and Artemis

A loooooot of shit happened, as you can see. A lazy season, it was not.

Confusing is the death shit. Did Gabrielle die at the end of "Motherhood?" And if someone is OUT for 25 years and doesn’t age, is that like dying? I am going to just interpret it thusly, because I can’t put nothing about that 25-year-long "death." 

Series Death-count So Far...  

Xena: 3.5 (.5 for fake dying and skipping 25 years)
Gabrielle: 4.5 (Ditto w/the .5, and I think Gabrielle died at the end of Ep 22 with Eve.) 

QUALITY: I had to watch a couple of these episodes on Hulu and my god was the quality awful. The discs are far better, if you can keep it. I need to check if the aspect ratio changed this season, though I didn't notice anything.

RANK: It is true Season 5 turned-out many amazing episodes, but there’s no way I think of it as fondly and cohesively as I do Season 4, and that’s…not my fault.

Favorite Seasons Rank:

1) Season 4
2) Season 5
3) Season 3
4) Season 2
5) Season 1
6)

Season 5 should feel lucky it's ahead of Season 3, because Season 3 was truer to the story than Season 5. I should actually re-examine my notes and consider moving Season 3 ahead of Season 5. Might also remove the last episode from favorite. It can’t just be a favorite from the chakram-throws. Can it?

Favorites I’m questioning: Definitely the last episode, "Motherhood," episode 22. It’s got real good stuff, but because I love the episodes right before it, I feel a little blinded.

On the one hand, episode 22 has amazing chakram action, and Xena kills all those gods. On the other hand, when I ask myself if I would include it in a "Favorites Only" viewing, especially curated for others, I can’t muster the love. Then again, you can’t watch “Livia” and “Eve” without watching "Motherhood." Hmm. Like is it an episode I enjoy watching? Leaning toward changing it to a non-favorite.

Other episodes I’m questioning: “Succession.” I go back and forth with faving it. I did enjoy it. Let's break it down:

• My Season 4, 6-star favorites are “In Sickness and in Hell,” “A Tale of Two Muses,” and “Takes One to Know One.” Are those three better than “Succession?” YES, FUCK. 
• My only Season 3, 6-star favorite is “The Dirty Half Dozen,” and it, too, is more engrossing than “Succession.” 
• Similarly, my only Season 2, 6-star fave was “The Lost Mariner,” and I reviewed it 6.5 years ago, so I kind of can’t even remember it. 
• “A Fistful of Dinars” is my 6-star, Season 1 favorite, and it is very similar to “The Dirty Half Dozen,” so I know I loved that one, and it was better than “Succession.” 

I don’t think I’ve ever been so torn about an episode, but yes I'm afraid "Succession" ultimately falls short of a favorite.

SUBTEXT: The subtext rolled-out HARD at the beginning of the season, then became non-existent, going extra-absent in the last five god damn episodes. Here are some scraps the show tossed us:

1. Demon Xena openly wanted Archangel Gabrielle’s ass
2. Xena and Gabrielle came back to life and said they'd always be together
3. Gabrielle pretty much says she loves Xena’s darkness when Xena turns good for an ep
4. Ares makes Xena and Gabrielle into one person in “Succession”
5. Xena tells the doctor she can’t be pregnant cuz she hasn’t duped a guy in a long time
6. Xena fears telling Gabrielle about being mysteriously pregnant, why?
7. Gabrielle sees Xena's baby as her own
8. Xena and Gabrielle cut their palms, clasp hands, and squish their blood together
9. Gabrielle says to someone that a home can sometimes be a person (wonder who she means)
10. Xena tells Ares that Gabrielle is the father, and Ares says he would’ve paid to see that
11. Callisto is actually Eve’s father...
12. Xena expresses rage and jealousy at Ares a few times for coming-on to Gabrielle
13. Joxer actually asks Gabrielle point blank why she doesn’t love him, she answers “Why do people love the people they do?” She’s clearly talking about Xena
14. Athena knows Gabrielle is Xena’s weak spot
15. Gabrielle threatens Ares while trying to stop him from taking advantage of Xena sexually. Later, Ares pleads with Xena to “leave (Gabrielle)”
16. The whole episode “Kindred Spirits” is literally about Xena and Gabrielle settling down together. It’s chock-full of subtext. And maintext. Xena and Gabrielle even break up
17. Xena tells Gabrielle that Eve's “our daughter”

Xena unfortunately kisses two guys this season: Ares and Antony. She kisses Ares several times and almost fucks him a couple times. Gabrielle kisses Joxer a few times. She almost kisses Lin Qi. Don’t think I forgot. Pathetic and lame. Xena and Gabrielle were TO. GETH. ER. at the beginning of this season, I’d maintain all the way up until the big whopper “Kindred Spirits." But after that, they’re so cold and distant to each other that Xena actually splits-open Gabrielle’s skull.

I definitely liked Season 5 better this time around than I did the first. The first time I watched Season 5, I didn’t realize the show would get better in Season 6. I just saw Xena declining in Season 5 and knew Season 6 was the last season, so therefore Season 6 probably was going to be frosty and off-putting as well. Now that I knew what happened in Season 6, I was able to relax this time and fully enjoy what Season 5 had to offer. There was so much good shit. Really. It gave us the best Xena episode so far, but also the worst. I now see where it went wrong, episode by episode, and can cherry-pick the amazing eps.

And Season 6? Maaaan, you don’t even KNOW. So just, get of my lawn, bitches. Just…prepare your bods for the sheer ecstasy about to bespill you.

βλέπω! Another stunning, if not a bit frigid and dickish, season of Xena: Warrior Princess:

Xena: Season 5, Episode 22: "Motherhood"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"Xena the Greek God Slayer"

I love and hate this episode. It’s so bonkers – Xena kills eeeeeverybody. (She even almost kills Gabrielle.) That's great, but she’s so unlike herself, it's hard to see the love she has for Eve and  Gabrielle. It’s like LL wasn’t feelin' the script, and I wonder if both she and ROC disagreed with the way this episode was written. I know, earlier in the season, ROC didn’t even want to kiss that one guy, because she felt it didn’t match her character.

Loving the FUCK. ING. SHIT. out of Xena’s chakram throws these days. I teeter-totted on whether or not to make this episode a favorite, but the chakram shit weighed that answer to YES.

Number of dope-ass chakram throws in this episode: 4?

Expanding on my LOVED:

• Aphrodite vouching for Gabrielle.
• Xena catching her chakram in the sane, much later after she'd thrown it.
• Eve getting horse-dragged.
• More Xena fan art at the museum.
• Eve innocently sitting at the table, reading Gabrielle’s stories about her mother.
• Xena’s bloody chakram.
• Gabrielle being on the business end of Xena’s chakram: I happen to actually like this kind of conflict. I think the reason I loved Xena hurting Gabrielle is because, in a way, it's a fucked up form of intimacy. Also, Gabrielle fucking stabbed her daughter. I can imagine Xena lost her cool upon seeing it. Not only that, but with Eve dead, Xena would've lost the power to kill gods, and the gods would've killed them all. Furthermore, Xena could’ve straight up killed Gabrielle with the chakram, but in that split moment, she didn’t.
• Artemis firing her arrows.
• Xena seems so scary and relentless when she pulls that knife on Aphrodite. It's mad, because Gabrielle is dying because of Xena.
• Aphrodite not wanting to take care of Eve.
• Aphrodite vanishing from fear.
• Aphrodite agreeing to take them to Olympus.
• Eve cowering at Xena's side from Are.
• Xena stabbing but not hurting Athena, because Eve has died.
• The spider. Usually I wouldn’t care, but that was a sweet, big-ass spider.
• Ares giving up his immortality to save Gabrielle and Eve.
• Virgil. I liked him, OK??
• Athena is so awesome, I’m sorry. She’s just riveting in every scene. Every gods-be-damned scene.
• That chakram-throw toward the camera (chef’s kiss).  

Regarding the end of the episode: It’s like people wrote in and we’re like “fuck you!” for separating Xena and Gabrielle where the baby is concerned. So they just tack-on “no we got OUR daughter back,” at the end. Great, but too little too late, cunts.

You know, it could've been really interesting if Xena had confronted the fact that she and Eve were now pretty close in age. This should've bewildered Xena a little bit and I imagine their conversations could get confusing and weird and deep in ways that we can't even imagine. I'm so annoyed writers miss this shit. 

[SERIES SPOILER] I remember Eve sticks around for a bit, but the show THANKFULLY parts ways with her a bit into Season 6. [END SPOILER]

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA QUOTES

1) Eve: "I wiped out entire villages because they wouldn't pay me tribute. I've drunk the blood of men that I tortured to death! I killed her best friend!" X: "Stop. Stop it." – Her best friend is Gabrielle, what the fuck is she talking about. Also, love Xena telling her to stop.

2) Eve: "What are you looking at?!" Baptist: "Suffering. Horrible suffering." – Oh yeah? Not looking so great yourself, asshole.”

3) X: "How does it feel to smell your own mortality? You know, there's nothing more pathetic than a dead god. So do yourselves a favor don't follow us." – I didn’t realize it, but I’d been waiting for this all series.

4) X: "While Eve was being initiated, I was visited by a spirit. He said that Eve's cleansing gave me the power to kill gods." – OK.

5) Eve: "What's happened to me is all so confusing. When I was being initiated I felt one load being lifted, only to be replaced by another just as frightening." – This last line was whined. I remember watching these Eve episodes for the first time and cringing at the thought that she might appear in every Xena episode from here until the very end.

6) Virgil: "Let me cut her throat." X: "Put it down, Virgil. Put it down." Eve: "I don't expect you to forgive me." Vir: "Good because that's not happening." – Every time Xena physically holds Virgil back from killing Eve is a divinity I never thought possible. 

7) Virgil to Eve: "You know in my entire life, I never saw my father be cruel to a man woman child, nor beast?! He brought joy to everybody who knew him and you? You killed him." Xena to Eve: "That kind of reaction comes with the territory.” – He was pretty sexist though…Just sayin. Also, this line by Xena is funny because it’s true.

8) Eve: "You preserved Xena for all the ages in these scrolls, Gabrielle. Thank you." – Love that Eve likes Gabrielle's scrolls and is so nice to Gabrielle.

9) Hope: "Eve must die. Xena won't kill her own daughter. You know how hard that is. Be brave, Mother. For Xena.” – Hope even trolls Gabrielle in her mind.

10) Ares: "You're not gonna kill me, are you?" X: "Why ever not?!" – Ha! Xena’s line.

11) X: "Gabrielle, stay with me, OK? Stay with me." Eve: "How's Gabrielle?" X: "Not good." Eve: "You taught her ah-h-h! You taught her pretty well." – What an intense thing for Xena to hear, considering Eve’s talking about the stabbing and that it was such a good stabbing, because Xena taught Gabrielle how to do it.

12) Athena: "There's no need for you to be hurt as well, Xena. Give us your daughter. It's true you can kill gods, but at 4-to-1 it's not great odds." X: "Not for you." – Yaaaay!!

13) X: "Neither of you is going to leave me. Gabrielle you're the most pure thing in my life and you're my great hope. So, I'm not gonna let either of you go!" – This line is a little too much to ask...Just a little too much. And it cheapens Xena's words on the cross in "Ides of March."

14) X: "Well, if you care so much, why don't you cure her?" Aphrodite: "Gods can only heal with Athena's blessing. That's not gonna happen." – All fucking series, Xena has managed not to hurt Gabrielle. She wouldn’t have to ask for ridiculous miracles, if she’d just used her head.

15) X: "Here we go." Eve: "Mother?" X: "What is it, Eve?" Eve: "Nothing. I just wanted to say it. I've never called anybody Mother before." X: "I just wish I had 'a seen you grow up. I bet you were a beautiful little girl." Eve: "I was. I liked spiders." X: "Me, too." – NOW you’re going to do this? Eve and Gabrielle are literally bleeding to death on the floor. Fucking dumb ass dialogue. And who the hell says, “you're right, I was totally a beautiful little girl.” If the writers wanted to keep the essence of this so bad, they should’ve cut it off right after, “Nothing. I just wanted to say it,” and let Xena think Eve was talkin' whacky from blood loss.

16) Ares: "You know? This is the second time since you became Xena, slayer of gods that we've faced off, one-on-one and you still haven't been able to pull the trigger. [She pulls the trigger] Oo! You shot me! I'm the god of war! Nobody shoots the god of war!" – I love this so much.

17) Athena: [Xena stabs Athena] "I don't feel a thing, Xena. You've lost the power to kill gods. It's a shame it had to come to this, Xena. [Athena raises her sword to kill Xena, but Xena stabs her again. Athena looks to Ares.] You healed them without my blessing. That's impossible." Ares: "I gave up my immortality to save them." Athena: "Why?" Ares: "I'm sorry, but I got a thing for her." X: "Thank you." – I love that Athena still reasons it’s a shame Xena has to die and vice versa.

18) Eve: “Gabrielle, about Joxer-” G: “Eve, Joxer’s at peace.” – Pretty bold move telling this to the murderer, and I somehow disagree that Joxer would agree with you, but to each his own.

I listened to this song this day. It's a fitting closing song for Xena, Season 5. Thank you.

Xena: Season 5, Episode 21: "Eve"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“The Death of Joxer”

Ooooh my god, this shit is so good. It's fascinating, because Xena always did try to convey to Gabrielle and Joxer, that she would've killed them if she'd met them when she was bad. They never quite took her seriously, and Livia's like an exact replica of dark Xena. 

Number of times Xena has saved Livia's life so far: 3

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Joxer: "Sure, with a mother like you, how bad can she be?" – I’m surprised it took this long to see this line. It's never been more fitting.

2) Livia: "Followers of Eli don't forget to turn the other cheek." – This is eviiiill. Eeeeeheehee!!

3) Senetus: “There's no proof these people were even part of Eli's cult." Livia: "And I should care?! Why?” – She said this line wrong.

4) Villager: "You can't destroy our spirit! We've seen worse than you. We've lived through Callisto's raids." Livia: "Callisto she did some good work, but I'm not Callisto.” – My question here is, why would this guy say this. Livia was already gonna kill him; maybe try begging for your life.

5) X: "My daughter did this." – These words are correct.

6) G: "I can't believe Eve could do this." X: [reads] "'Rome needs no mother.'" – Kind of love this. Livia calling herself Rome, like Julius Caesar did. And Xena's reading it.

7) Woman: "You're Xena?" X: "That's right." [lady spits on X] – This was so realistic, this lady spitting at Xena.

8) Ares: "She's something, isn't she? Looks like Livia's nearly racked up the body count you had at her age." X: "She's my daughter, you sick bastard." Ares: "Why do you think it was so easy to turn her? Look this is all blood under the bridge. You give me a child the other gods will never find out that Eve is still alive." X: "I'd rather go to hell." – Love dialogue.

9) X: "These tracks are fresh. I can't believe that it's my daughter we're tracking, that it's Eve who's doing these terrible things." G: "Xena, this isn't the Eve that you would've raised. Ares did this." X: "Ares might have opened the door, but Eve had to walk through." G: "How do you know that?" X: "You said it yourself Eve finally took a good look inside herself, and she found me there." G: "That's not what I meant." X: "I know her rage it's in Eve's blood, Gabrielle. I made her who she was. I was her." G: "Then there's hope because you changed." – This is gold, too.

10) X: "All right, boys, that's enough arts and crafts for today." – Heh

11) Ares: [Xena and Livia fighting] "Oh, yeah." – This is awesome. Ares’ two favorite women, mother and daughter, fighting each other to the death.

12) X: "Listen to your heart." Livia: "My heart is a traitor." X: "Eve." – Gorgeous. Livia is admitting that this situation is painful when she listens.

13) G: "Xena you were getting through to Eve today. All you need is another chance." X: "Chances run out, Gabrielle for all of us." G: "If that's true if Eve can't be changed could you kill your own daughter?" X: "If I had to yes, I could." – I love Xena saying this last line. Missed opp: Xena asking Gabrielle about how it felt for her to kill Hope, twice.

14) Joxer: "Virgil about today-" Vir: "Forget about today, Dad. You were just tired." Jox: "Listen let me finish. I always wanted to be a great warrior. It didn't work out. I tried to join every army from here to Egypt, but nobody ever wanted me and, ah well that's all." Virgil: "So, you never battled the dryads?" Joxer: "That was Xena." Virgil: "What about the harpies?" Joxer: "Xena, too." Virgil: "Sent Callisto to hell?" Joxer: "Xena." Virgil: "Got Callisto out of hell." Joxer: "Xena." Virgil: "Wow. Sounds like you and Xena had some real adventures together, Dad." Joxer: "We sure did, Son. We sure did." – This is so sweet of Virgil.

15) Livia: "Leave us. Auntie Gabrielle welcome." G: "I've come here-" Liv: "No, please, let me. You thought if you could just talk to me heart to heart? You could convince me that Xena wants only to help me and if I could find it within myself, to give her a chance Mommy would make it all better." G: "The gods wanted you dead. Xena risked her life to save you. Does that mean anything to you?" Livia: "It means, she's as stupid as she is sentimental." G: "Your mother loves you." Livia: "Then why is she trying to destroy me?" G: "Xena wants to protect you. She will not fight you." Livia: "Maybe she hasn't been properly motivated." – So much to unpack here. 1) Xena means so much to Gabrielle that Gabrielle is risking her life to save Livia. 2) Livia knows Xena loves Gabrielle to death. 3) It's also typical mother/daughter fare, in that daughters think their mothers want to ruin their lives.

16) Joxer [Counting soldiers]: "17, 18, 19, 20 to one. Good odds." – Joxer’s 2nd to last funny joke.

17) Livia: "Today we wipe out the remnants of Eli's cult and I take my revenge on their champion, Xena." G: "It's not too late to stop this, Eve." Livia: "Don't call me Eve. Tie her up." – Y'all trying to turn me on?

18) Livia: "Do you think that Xena will still want that mother/daughter reunion after she finds your bloodless corpse, Auntie Gabrielle?" Joxer: "No! -Problem! Heh, heh. Spill that infidel's blood! Personally, I never like to kill infidels before noon. Though, in your cases, I'll make an excep- ooh! Hey, that is sharp." [Xena rides in, attacking] Livia: "Oh, good, Mom's here." Joxer: "About time." – Joxer’s last joke, and it is funny.

19) G: "What were you doing?" Joxer: "I didn't want didn't want to disappoint you." G: "You could never disappoint me." Joxer: "What? What's the matter with you guys? I'm gonna be fine. Come on. I'm a little cold, but it doesn't hurt anymore." – Joxer’s last words ☹ This is a subtle, dignified death.

20) X: "Virgil, you should be with Meg. This isn't your fight." Virgil: "Look you have my respect, because you had his but don't tell me this isn't my fight not now." – I don’t know what to do with this.

21) Ares: "That Virgil is one angry guy. I can't say I blame him." X: "Get lost." Ares: "But he shouldn't hate Livia, should he? You're the one he should hate. You could have prevented all of this, but no. Joxer is dead because the thought of me made you sick. OK, but if I sicken your soul, stopping Livia will kill it." – God, Ares is going hard here. Love the way Xena says “get lost.” She’s DONE.

22) G: "None. Xena, I went to Livia. I tried to tell her that we love her. She didn't care." X: "You called her Livia." G: "That's who she is. Eve is dead. She's not your daughter anymore, Xena she's Rome's." – OUCH, fuck.

23) Livia: "Glad you could make it, Xena. I hope you're not going to ruin my day with more of your excruciating mother/daughter platitudes." X: "No, I'm done talking. Livia." – Awesome.

24) X: "This ends here, Livia." Livia: "You finally get it. Eve is dead." X: "That's right. I'm here to avenge her." Livia: "Time to put you out of my misery." X: "Give it your best shot." – Awesome, again.

25) Livia: "Attack!" – Heh.

26) Livia: "Come on, Mother, do it. Ares was right, you're weak." X: "Eli, save my daughter. I couldn't. I love you." – I love this. I love that Xena couldn’t kill her and that she was going to let Livia kill her, because she loves her that much. This reminds me of the time that Xena let Gabrielle bite her as a bacchae. [When I have time, I'll name all the other times that Xena let Gabrielle hurt her/kill her.]

27) X: "Livia." Livia: "Oh, what have I done?" X: "Livia." [Virgil charges Livia with a sword] X: "Noo!" Virgil: "I had her! Why'd you stop me?! Why?!" – Fuck, I LOVE this part. I think this actress gets a lot wrong, but I love the way she says this pivotal line.

This song is so bloody and dark, just like Livia.

Xena: Season 5, Episode 20: "Livia"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“25 Years Later”

This episode is awesome.

Expanding on things I loved:

• That it’s 25 years later. It essentially kills-off the current cast, except Xena and Gabrielle.
• That Ares inadverstently selected Xena’s daughter as his chosen. This is so cool.
• Gabrielle is sad that Joxer is old. This is a bit too real for me and hard to watch.
• It's endearing that Joxer continued into his elderly state with stories still of his “heroics.”
• Xena doesn’t contemplate Octavius’s denial of Ares, she just says what she has to, he grapples with it, denies it, while she continues on about her plan.
• Livia getting to see how awesome of a fighter Xena is. This is so neat.
• Xena resolving herself to fight her own daughter.

Kind of annoyed that Joxer’s son is thrown into the mix and he’s hot. Same with Livia. It’s like they’re trying to make the way for all these hot people, like shows sometimes do (looking at you, SVU). It’s just distracting, HOWEVER, I like this actor.

I recall being so bummed this episode, that all these new characters were introduced, as though the show thought that people were getting tired of Xena and Gabrielle, that the public wanted young, traditionally hot people. I don’t, dawg. I want grown-ass women. 

There are so many things you can do with a relationship. So many interesting things to do with two characters. No fresh blood was needed. I feel like Xena only expanded upon a small fraction of what could’ve been done, then brought in Virgil and Eve. I thought Virgil and Eve would be the focus of the show from then on, and I just didn’t care. In my head, this clicked with why they canceled Xena at Season 6.

When I watched Season 5 in 2009, I had no idea that Season 6 was going to be as amazing as it was.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: "Meg, it's Meg." G: "No, Xena you were identical." Meg: "Here, gimme that. I'll get ya a fresh one." G: "If I were you, I would lay off the starches." – Hahahaha!

2) Meg: "You know what? Shorty, you kinda look like her. Only Gabrielle wasn't so butch." – YES, GOD.

3) Joxer: "You know, I looked for you for years. I only quit after after old Argo died." X: "Argo... there'll never be another like her." – This is excellent.

4) J: "Xena, meet Argo II." G: "Is that really Argo's daughter?" J: "Yeah. Only thing is, I never let anyone ride her." G: "Xena?" X: "Let's see what you can do. [Xena rides her.] Joxer, she's beautiful." – Love the way Xena says the last line. So good.

5) G: "Xena, she's alive. There's a chance that you can still be in her life." – I tell myself this about all of my ex-girlfriends. It’s good advice.

6) X: "Thanks, anyway. Wish me luck." Virgil: "Fortune favors the brave." G: "I'll say. You have a way with words." – OK, yes, it was the real Virgil who said (or repeated) "Fortune favors the brave,” so they are trying to make Joxer’s son a historic figure.

7) Ares: [He and Livia are sparring] "You are worse than a wasp!" Liv: "Death has no sting for gods, remember?" Ares: "Give up?" Liv: "I'll give you somethin'." [They kiss] – Ew.

8) X: "If you were mortal I'd cut out your heart." Ares: "Xena." [He leans in to kiss her] X: "Kiss this." [She harms him] Ares: "Oo." – Love this fucking confrontation.

9) L: "Charming. Move and I'll kill you." Ares: "Take it easy, Livia. It's not how it looks." L: "Then how is it?" Ares: "For 25 years, I thought Xena was dead. And now she shows up, not one day older. I had to kiss her make sure she was real not an impostor." L: "You're telling me that you had to kiss her to I.D. her?" – This is so juicy and fucked up. I love it so much.

10) Octavius: "I see the years haven't robbed you of your stealth." X: "No, just my child. But don't worry I'm not gonna kill ya not today. I believe that you truly do care for my daughter. I'm going to save her. Are you in or out?" Oct: "Save her from what? Marrying me? Xena, I love her and what's more, Livia loves me." X: "Fool. She doesn't love you. She loves the god of war." – I love all of this. That Xena just dismisses Octavius the moment she sees him this episode. She has no feeling for him.

11) X: "Ares is going to be at the Bacchanalia tonight. So am I." – Me, too, girl. Love that they just dropped this hardcore party into the mix.

12) Ares: "Hit me." [He thinks she’s going to refill his cup, not looking at who it is.] X: "Don't tempt me." – Hahahahahaah YAAAAAY

13) Ares: "I was kinda hopin' you'd be back. I gotta know what happened. I thought you were dead." X: "It's a nasty rumor." Ares: "No no, see, I mourned you. For years, I mourned you." X: "Yes, you looked positively grief-stricken when I saw you today at the arena." Ares: "What? That rough-and-tumble with Livia? You're not jealous." X: "Of a Roman wannabe? Hardly." Ares: "Well, you're right she's not you. Because if I thought, for one moment that you being here meant we had a second chance " X: "Yes?" Ares: " I'd drop her like a nasty habit." Oct: "You and Ares? I'd sooner see the empire destroyed than leave it to you." – Noice!

14) X: "Ares." Ares: "Still pickin' up on me after all these years.” – Love this detail.

15) Ares: "I figured out, whatever you did to cheat death, I must've slowed up by putting you and Gabrielle on ice, but not Eve. And so for 25 years, she kept growing into Livia, champion of Rome." X: "Keep out of my way." – Love the way she says this.

16) Ares: "The moment it hit me, I knew. I don't know why I didn't see it before, but I didn't, I swear." X: "And that's supposed to make it OK?" Ares: "No, it's supposed to make you see that it wasn't personal." X: "It doesn't get more personal than when you corrupt my daughter the way you did me." Ares: "See? That is just my point. It's not the same. Nobody's the same as you, Xena, not for me." – Uuugggh, this exchange is BLISS!!

17) G: "What are you doing?" Virgil: "Um that? It's nothing." G: "Are you writing?" Virgil: "Yes. Um, I write or at least I try, but I'm nowhere near as good as you." G: "You're a bard." – I love that Virgil the great poet bowed down to Gabrielle’s writing.

18) L: "Livia, commander of the legions of Rome is here as your champion. Announce the match... Would you deny the people their sport? Announce the match!" Octavius: "The first match will be fought by Livia, defender of Rome." [Crowd cheers] Octavius: "Against the champion of the followers of Eli, Xena." – Why the fuck did they have to name Xena the champion of Eli. This is so stupid, I hate it.

19) X: "I will never give up on you Eve. Never!" L: "I'm Livia!" – [SPOILER] She totally gives up on her. [END SPOILER] PS, the way Livia says this is awful.

20) X: "I'm not going to kill you, Eve. You're my daughter whether you know it or not. I love you." Livia: "Then let me die." – I…love this.

This is Ulrich Schnauss's "Like a Ghost in Your Own Life," because I bet Xena sure felt like one in hers when she woke up 25 years later, perfectly preserved.

Xena: Season 5, Episode 19: "Looking Death in the Eye"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

"Xena and Gabrielle Fake-Die, Starring Ares as Mr. Freeze"

OH MY GOD, THIS IS SUCH A GOOD EPISODE. HOLY SHIT. This is an 8 for sure, maybe a 9. God damn.

Expanding on M' Notes:

• I'm serious, how is Athena this fucking good. 
• 17:18 You can see right up Xena’s battle skirt. Welkies.
• This episode is the one instance where crying is critical to the storyline. Thank god I'm brilliant enough to have included the crying field on my review sheet.
• I love the sequence of shots where Joxer watches, on and off-screen, Ares beaming Gabrielle and Xena away, one at a time. It's great, Joxer just sees him disappear and reappear off-camera.

I remember when I first watched this episode, being so shocked and alarmed upon suddenly hearing that this was the last time Joxer saw Xena and Gabrielle. Shocked that the series took such a dramatic turn. I didn’t know what the fuck they were doing with the show. It was scary, like riding the Texas Freefall at Splashtown.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA LOVED:

1) Athena’s rolling her eyes at Ares
2) Ares
3) Ares appearing on Athena’s throne
4) Gabrielle writing the episode
5) Xena's face as she picks up Celesta's candle at Hephaestus's house
6) Ares being scared of Athena
7) Celesta's look to Xena as Celesta vanishes: you're my enemy now, bitch!
8) Ares tagging along for the wagon ride
9) Celesta confronts Gabrielle and Xena like a mom. I imagine this made it harder for them to keep up the ruse
10) Athena's soldier knocked Joxer's ass out
11) Gabrielle writing the episode in the wagon
12) Gabrielle dropping her scroll during the chase, the scroll Joxer is reading
13) Xena fell off the cliff to the beach with Gabrielle in her arms
14) Ares is so hurt X’s dead
15) Xena yelling "no" at Athena
16) Celesta's candle grows back when she picks it up again

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: "I hope you don't mind. We were in the neighborhood." Lachesis: "The fates always welcome you here, Xena. We're pleasantly surprised." X: "Finding your kid topping the list of Olympus' most wanted makes you do some pretty surprising things. This is one of them." – Why the fuck is this so funny.

2) Clotho: "You wish us to speak for your child. Your child, Xena-" Atropos: "-will bring forth the twilight and usher in a new beginning." X: "Yes, I heard. I was hoping you could humor me with a date." – God, this is so good. 

 
3) Clotho: "The twilight will occur in time." X: "That's not very specific." Lachesis: "The time depends on you, Xena." X: "What do you mean? It's me that determines when the twilight begins? How?" Atropos: "You must die, Xena." – Right out of the gate, this dialogue is lovable.

4) G: "You're saying that, the sooner Xena dies, the faster Eve brings about the fall of the gods? No. Xena, let's go. Hey what are you doing? You're not listening to them? Xena, you have said we always determine our own fate. It's not written for us. You've always believed that." X: "I still believe that, Gabrielle. So do they. It's the only way. I have to die, Gabrielle." – Love the way X says “so do they.”

5) G: "Xena! Toss Eve here!" X: "No, Gabrielle!" Athena: "What's wrong, Xena? No longer trust even Gabrielle to protect your child?" – I mean, they would just shoot at Gabrielle. That was a dumb idea, even dumber to say it out loud.

6) X: "All right. Come here." G: "Ow! Ow. What is that?" X: "It's poison (G gives pause) only if you drink it. A little dab'll stop the spread of infection." G: "Where did you get that?" X: "Mom's medicine cabinet.” – Oh thank you, god, for throwing us a frickin bone.

7) Athena: "Xena never dies. And why is that?"

8) Hephaestus: "How does it feel, Xena? How does it feel to finally be in the presence of death herself?" X: "What took you so long?" – I love this woman.

9) Celesta: "Your confrontation with Hephaestus, that's exactly what you wanted, how you lured me to you." X: "Believe me, lady, if there was a better way for us to hook up, I'd have done it." – Hahahaha, lady.

10) Celesta: "Xena, you should know that my brother and Athena, and all Olympus will stop at nothing to find me." X: "Then they'd better hurry up 'cause if I'm not mistaken, Celesta, when this candle burns out you die." – Looooove the way X says this.

11) Celesta: "Xena, this isn't like you. Or you, Gabrielle. At one time, you both fought to free me." X: "You're right. Somehow, motherhood has made me harder." – Yes, I imagine it makes everyone harder.

12) Celesta: "By holding me here you're condemning to eternal suffering those who would otherwise find their peace." X: "Lady, since we last met, I've decided you cause a lot more suffering than you end." – This is the second time Xena calls Celesta “lady.” I’m excited to be present.

13) Celesta: "Death is nothing to fear, Xena, for I only visit those whose rightful time-" X: "Rightful time?! Who decides when it's the rightful time? You are at the beck and call of every warlord and murderer. Solan, my only son, his rightful time came when someone else decided it should, and you came running no questions asked.” – This dialogue is so good, seriously. “You came runnin, no questions asked?” Fuck oooooffff, that’s great.

14) X: "-and Lyceus." Celesta: "Your brother." G: "Xena-" X: "-Lyceus. Lyceus, he wasn't just a brother, he was my best friend. You know, growing up, he was everything to me. He accepted me for who and what I was. And if you hadn't taken him, he would have grown up to be something-" G: "-Xena, don't do this." X: "What?" G: "She's immortal. She'll never understand the pain of losing someone." X: "Yes, she will. Yes, she will, 'cause you have a brother, too." – THANK YOU, JESUS.

15) Athena: "So looks like Xena couldn't leave death in your hands, either." – Athena has the best quips.

16) Athena: "Hades, Gabrielle is no use to us dead. You can't kill the child until Celesta's free and given our time constraint, diplomacy is the best way of accomplishing that. But then again (Athena grabs Joxer by the throat) where is she?" – I was not prepared for this joke by Athena.

17) Ares: "Come on give us a head start. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you, Sis?" Ath: "I think it is.” – Athena is awesome. That is all.

18) Joxer's son: "But Eve was in-" Joxer: "-Eve was in the wagon." – Love the way Joxer says this. It’s suspenseful and almost scary. Must run in Raimi's family.

19) Ares: "You're with her now. I handled you all wrong. I know that. She knew what you needed unconditional and unselfish love and I couldn't give that to you. But I appreciated you in ways she never could your rage your violence your beauty. When you sacrificed yourself for others, you were hers but when you kicked ass you were mine. I love you, Xena." – This is all gay. Maybe should be in subtext. What did Ares think she needed that she didn’t want from him? All I see here is Ares admitting Gabrielle's better than he is.

I listened to this song this day. It's called "Open Up the Sky," and that's exactly what Xena did, isn't it.

Xena: Season 5, Episode 18: "Antony and Cleopatra"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“Fuck Y’all” 

What an awesome episode, and at the same time, WHAT THE FUCK. Halfway through, I was like, “I hate this episode, what is Xena doing to Gabrielle?” By the end I was like, “Fuck it, totally worth it, this is dope.” All that blood at the end? SWEET. But a grade-A ending does not a grade-A episode, make.

Expanding on some of my notes:

• Xena saying “Antony” at the end as she they fought was genuinely sad. There was nothing she could do, and he was so hurt by it. I felt that.
• To unconfuse the plot: three people were competing to rule Rome here: Brutus, Marc Antony and Octavius.
• The kiss/key thing was clever, but come on.
• If Xena and Gabrielle weren’t together, I could enjoy this episode. It’s good, but I can’t.
• This episode gets five stars alone simply for the images of Xena dressed as Cleopatra.
• Gabrielle killing Brutus was the best part. It was a deep moment and her eyes were so beautiful. It was breathtaking, really.
• It's ironic, unintentionally, that Gabrielle is the one who really shines in this ep. I found myself completely focused on what was going on inside her head. I didn't give a fiddle about Xena's crisis, which is usually not the case. Usually I care what both of them are thinking.
• For reasons that completely escape me, X is a total fucking bitch to Gabrielle in this episode. I’d leave my girlfriend if she ever did this to me.
• I can't believe there isn't more talk about Xena coincidentally naming Servant Gabrielle, "Eris," the Amazon who wanted to replace Gabrielle in the last episode, "Kindred Spirits." Some figure she called Gabrielle "Iris," but I didn't hear the "I" sound in there at all.
• Also, I used to make my boyfriend Brandon play Natalie Merchant's "Carnival" on repeat in his truck, when I was 18. In Xena’s defense, it’s impossible to listen to "Carnival" while looking into someone’s eyes and not fall in love.

This is another episode where the writers want Xena to be straight. A big fuck you to…some of us. God, I cant wait until Season 6. The draw to Xena is not how many men she turned-on or fucked. It was the electricity and friction between Xena and Gabrielle, a *shoe* could see that. If you're gonna have Xena fuck around with someone else, and it's not a device to expand upon her and Gabrielle's relationship, then it's a throwaway move.

The first time that Xena shows any kind of emotion toward Gabrielle all episode, is when Gabrielle agrees to go with Brutus. It's like Xena suddenly realizes, Oh yeah, this works both ways.

My only guess is, this new writer Carl Ellsworth didn’t know shit about or watch any Xena before writing this episode. I can’t imagine the blame goes to R.J. Stewart. True, he alone wrote “Ulysses” but his other episodes are pretty gay. For instance, he single-handedly wrote “Callisto,” “Return of Callisto,” and “A Day in the Life” (also directed by Michael Hurst). He also singularly wrote “Gabrielle’s Hope,” the fucking “Crusader,” which doesn’t get any gayer, and the god damn “Ides of March...” He co-wrote both “The Debts,” “Fallen Angel,” and a few more good ones coming up, so yeah, I’m just going to blame this Ellsworth douche for everything horrible about this episode. Dickhole.

This episode could have been amazing, see, because they play with the aftermath of Brutus fucking letting them die in Season 4. When they tell Brutus, here, that he has the support of Cleopatra's navy, he believes them, because they’ve always sided with and supported him before. Now he doesn’t mean shit to them, but he doesn’t suspect that. Wish I could’ve seen more of that, more of Brutus and Gabrielle, more of Xena and Gabrielle being jealous of Antony and Brutus. THERE’S the fucking story, not Xena tricking Antony, a new character, into loving her. Fucking lame. Let’s hope the next ep is fucking better.

[SERIES SPOILER] Am I remembering this right, does Gabrielle kind of get back at Xena or make Xena "pay" for this episode with Antony in Season 6? Like during the Sleeping Beauty episode? Am I making this up? [END SPOILER]

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA NOTES:

1) Directed by Michael Hurst.

2) Why does everyone dismiss their guards right when they receive a mysterious gift?

3) Loved the part where X tried to fuck A in front of G. SIKE!
 

4) 28:19 - Not to sound like a 10-year-old, but Xena is nipping-out here. My sincere thanks to wardrobe for their authenticity. Seriously, it's beautiful and daring. 

5) Manu Bennett boldly does nothing to hide his New Zealand accent.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Cleopatra: “Hm, is it just me, Shiana, or do crises only happen when I'm naked?" – My thoughts all the time.

2) G: "Do you have a plan?" X: "First we become Egypt, and then we take on Rome." – Oh my god, this is another, “I’m taking my revenge on Rome” episode. I thought we were past these.

3) X/C: "Egypt is yours, Antony. Won't you free me?" Ant: "Is that what you want?” – Gross.

4) G: "What does Cleopatra have to be afraid of, Brutus?" Brutus: "Gabrielle." G: "I'm alive. I'll handle this." B: "You survived the crucifixion." G: "You should have been there." – This is an unexpectedly pleasant surprise. I forgot all about the crucifixion. Nice.

5) X/C: "Come on, then. I won't bite. Ah why don't you wait there while I slip into something less comfortable?" – This line is a dud! It is the only time I can recall that Xena said something meant to be funny and it wasn’t.

6) B: "I would like to see her myself." X: "She's busy." – Love the dynamics of this exchange. Love the way Xena says this line. Notice Brutus got the right the fuck outta there after that.

7) G: "If Brutus is right, Xena, Antony may try to kill you." X: "I think he has some business to conclude with me first.” – FUCK YOU.

8) X/C: “Welcome, Antony. Oh, this is my companion Eris." Ant: "If I were your hands, Iris I would be fortunate indeed." – I bet, big guy! First of all, fuck you. Second, it would make since if Gabrielle blushed because her hands have been all up in Xena. Thirdly, Did Xena call Gabrielle "Eris?" Because Eris is the Amazon who wanted to get with Xena in the last episode. 

9) X: "Yes?" G: "I'm losing sight of your plan, Xena. Are you going to flirt him to death?" X: "I'm getting him to trust me, so I can do what I want with him." G: "Be careful. He's your type." X: "You think?" G: "What's this unfinished business?'" X: "He's going to try to seduce me into letting him use Cleopatra's navy." G: "And then?" X: "And then I'll have him on his knees figuratively speaking, of course." G: "Of course." – God how fucking awkward. Anyone keeping up with this show  cringes during this convo.

10) X: "What do you think you were doing? I was in complete control." G: "How far were you going to let that go?" X: "Until he begged for my navel." G: "Your navy?" X: "I know what I'm doing." – Hahahaha!

11) G: "Xena, what happens if he's the one who killed Cleopatra?" X: "Then he's the one I'll kill if I have to. I have no real feelings for him, Gabrielle, believe me." – Our current “president” in mind, I tend to not believe people who say “believe me.” It’s like saying “Look at me, I lied just now.” It’s like those people who put quotations around a word so it means the opposite.

12) A: "The first time I saw you, I knew a man would give up a kingdom for such a woman. There is nothing that I have learned since that would change my mind." X/C: "Nothing?" A: "Nothing." X/C: "Antony." – I think I’m gonna vom.

13) O: "Do you think I tried to kill Cleopatra?" G/E: "I don't know." O: "Tears are for boys." G/E: "I know some men who could use a good cry." O: "I need to put them behind me and think of my people." G/E: "The people of Rome?" O: "And all who are under its protection. My uncle exploited the peoples of the world for his ambition. I want to correct that! To bring them Roman peace Pax Romana. Do you think I'm foolish?" G/E: "No, I don't." – Dude, who cares.

14) G: "Xena?" X: "You were right, Gabrielle I do have a soft spot for bad boys." – OH REALLY HAHA FUCK YOU.  

15) B: "Queen Cleopatra." X/C: "Approach, Roman. [He approaches and sees her face.] Boo." B: "Xena." X: "That's right. I've been playing the part of Cleopatra because you killed her." – I am loving this shit where Brutus is shocked at every turn.

16) O: "Xena, Rome owes you a debt of gratitude." X: "Rome owes me nothing. Octavius, you'll soon be the new leader. It is you who must recognize and support this new alliance forged between Egypt and Rome. It cost Cleopatra her life. Make sure it was worth it. Cleopatra always put the well-being of her kingdom ahead of her own. Respect this. She died in the hope that the Egyptian people might, for the first time choose their next great leader. She was Egypt." – I just feel like I need to include this important monologue, so here it is.

I would be remiss if I didn't paste Natalie Merchant's "Carnival" here. So...get those strawberries ready.

This episode doesn't deserve it, but here is Thom Yorke's beautiful "Suspirium," which does match this episode dramatically.