Xena: Season 5, Episode 22: "Motherhood"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"Xena the Greek God Slayer"

I love and hate this episode. It’s so bonkers – Xena kills eeeeeverybody. (She even almost kills Gabrielle.) That's great, but she’s so unlike herself, it's hard to see the love she has for Eve and  Gabrielle. It’s like LL wasn’t feelin' the script, and I wonder if both she and ROC disagreed with the way this episode was written. I know, earlier in the season, ROC didn’t even want to kiss that one guy, because she felt it didn’t match her character.

Loving the FUCK. ING. SHIT. out of Xena’s chakram throws these days. I teeter-totted on whether or not to make this episode a favorite, but the chakram shit weighed that answer to YES.

Number of dope-ass chakram throws in this episode: 4?

Expanding on my LOVED:

• Aphrodite vouching for Gabrielle.
• Xena catching her chakram in the sane, much later after she'd thrown it.
• Eve getting horse-dragged.
• More Xena fan art at the museum.
• Eve innocently sitting at the table, reading Gabrielle’s stories about her mother.
• Xena’s bloody chakram.
• Gabrielle being on the business end of Xena’s chakram: I happen to actually like this kind of conflict. I think the reason I loved Xena hurting Gabrielle is because, in a way, it's a fucked up form of intimacy. Also, Gabrielle fucking stabbed her daughter. I can imagine Xena lost her cool upon seeing it. Not only that, but with Eve dead, Xena would've lost the power to kill gods, and the gods would've killed them all. Furthermore, Xena could’ve straight up killed Gabrielle with the chakram, but in that split moment, she didn’t.
• Artemis firing her arrows.
• Xena seems so scary and relentless when she pulls that knife on Aphrodite. It's mad, because Gabrielle is dying because of Xena.
• Aphrodite not wanting to take care of Eve.
• Aphrodite vanishing from fear.
• Aphrodite agreeing to take them to Olympus.
• Eve cowering at Xena's side from Are.
• Xena stabbing but not hurting Athena, because Eve has died.
• The spider. Usually I wouldn’t care, but that was a sweet, big-ass spider.
• Ares giving up his immortality to save Gabrielle and Eve.
• Virgil. I liked him, OK??
• Athena is so awesome, I’m sorry. She’s just riveting in every scene. Every gods-be-damned scene.
• That chakram-throw toward the camera (chef’s kiss).  

Regarding the end of the episode: It’s like people wrote in and we’re like “fuck you!” for separating Xena and Gabrielle where the baby is concerned. So they just tack-on “no we got OUR daughter back,” at the end. Great, but too little too late, cunts.

You know, it could've been really interesting if Xena had confronted the fact that she and Eve were now pretty close in age. This should've bewildered Xena a little bit and I imagine their conversations could get confusing and weird and deep in ways that we can't even imagine. I'm so annoyed writers miss this shit. 

[SERIES SPOILER] I remember Eve sticks around for a bit, but the show THANKFULLY parts ways with her a bit into Season 6. [END SPOILER]

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES

1) Eve: "I wiped out entire villages because they wouldn't pay me tribute. I've drunk the blood of men that I tortured to death! I killed her best friend!" X: "Stop. Stop it." – Her best friend is Gabrielle, what the fuck is she talking about. Also, love Xena telling her to stop.

2) Eve: "What are you looking at?!" Baptist: "Suffering. Horrible suffering." – Oh yeah? Not looking so great yourself, asshole.”

3) X: "How does it feel to smell your own mortality? You know, there's nothing more pathetic than a dead god. So do yourselves a favor don't follow us." – I didn’t realize it, but I’d been waiting for this all series.

4) X: "While Eve was being initiated, I was visited by a spirit. He said that Eve's cleansing gave me the power to kill gods." – OK.

5) Eve: "What's happened to me is all so confusing. When I was being initiated I felt one load being lifted, only to be replaced by another just as frightening." – This last line was whined. I remember watching these Eve episodes for the first time and cringing at the thought that she might appear in every Xena episode from here until the very end.

6) Virgil: "Let me cut her throat." X: "Put it down, Virgil. Put it down." Eve: "I don't expect you to forgive me." Vir: "Good because that's not happening." – Every time Xena physically holds Virgil back from killing Eve is a divinity I never thought possible. 

7) Virgil to Eve: "You know in my entire life, I never saw my father be cruel to a man woman child, nor beast?! He brought joy to everybody who knew him and you? You killed him." Xena to Eve: "That kind of reaction comes with the territory.” – He was pretty sexist though…Just sayin. Also, this line by Xena is funny because it’s true.

8) Eve: "You preserved Xena for all the ages in these scrolls, Gabrielle. Thank you." – Love that Eve likes Gabrielle's scrolls and is so nice to Gabrielle.

9) Hope: "Eve must die. Xena won't kill her own daughter. You know how hard that is. Be brave, Mother. For Xena.” – Hope even trolls Gabrielle in her mind.

10) Ares: "You're not gonna kill me, are you?" X: "Why ever not?!" – Ha! Xena’s line.

11) X: "Gabrielle, stay with me, OK? Stay with me." Eve: "How's Gabrielle?" X: "Not good." Eve: "You taught her ah-h-h! You taught her pretty well." – What an intense thing for Xena to hear, considering Eve’s talking about the stabbing and that it was such a good stabbing, because Xena taught Gabrielle how to do it.

12) Athena: "There's no need for you to be hurt as well, Xena. Give us your daughter. It's true you can kill gods, but at 4-to-1 it's not great odds." X: "Not for you." – Yaaaay!!

13) X: "Neither of you is going to leave me. Gabrielle you're the most pure thing in my life and you're my great hope. So, I'm not gonna let either of you go!" – This line is a little too much to ask...Just a little too much. And it cheapens Xena's words on the cross in "Ides of March."

14) X: "Well, if you care so much, why don't you cure her?" Aphrodite: "Gods can only heal with Athena's blessing. That's not gonna happen." – All fucking series, Xena has managed not to hurt Gabrielle. She wouldn’t have to ask for ridiculous miracles, if she’d just used her head.

15) X: "Here we go." Eve: "Mother?" X: "What is it, Eve?" Eve: "Nothing. I just wanted to say it. I've never called anybody Mother before." X: "I just wish I had 'a seen you grow up. I bet you were a beautiful little girl." Eve: "I was. I liked spiders." X: "Me, too." – NOW you’re going to do this? Eve and Gabrielle are literally bleeding to death on the floor. Fucking dumb ass dialogue. And who the hell says, “you're right, I was totally a beautiful little girl.” If the writers wanted to keep the essence of this so bad, they should’ve cut it off right after, “Nothing. I just wanted to say it,” and let Xena think Eve was talkin' whacky from blood loss.

16) Ares: "You know? This is the second time since you became Xena, slayer of gods that we've faced off, one-on-one and you still haven't been able to pull the trigger. [She pulls the trigger] Oo! You shot me! I'm the god of war! Nobody shoots the god of war!" – I love this so much.

17) Athena: [Xena stabs Athena] "I don't feel a thing, Xena. You've lost the power to kill gods. It's a shame it had to come to this, Xena. [Athena raises her sword to kill Xena, but Xena stabs her again. Athena looks to Ares.] You healed them without my blessing. That's impossible." Ares: "I gave up my immortality to save them." Athena: "Why?" Ares: "I'm sorry, but I got a thing for her." X: "Thank you." – I love that Athena still reasons it’s a shame Xena has to die and vice versa.

18) Eve: “Gabrielle, about Joxer-” G: “Eve, Joxer’s at peace.” – Pretty bold move telling this to the murderer, and I somehow disagree that Joxer would agree with you, but to each his own.

I listened to this song this day. It's a fitting closing song for Xena, Season 5. Thank you.