Xena: Season 2, Episode 14: "A Necessary Evil"

I love the shit out of this episode. But first! An update on my life...

Ahem! So, as you know, I was promoted to office manager and assistant to the main partner of the company. The week has been very stressful, because obviously I did not ask for the extra responsibility, and it's a lot. As you also know, on top of this new development, my boss wants to send me to college for executive administration (secretarial school). Now, the main question still on my mind (and I'm sure everyone else's) throughout all of this is: will I still be able to produce as many Xena reviews as before? OR... will I produce more than ever?

I know it doesn't make sense, but there is an old saying that goes something like this, "If you need something done, give the task to someone who has a million things to do (or some shit like that)." The thinking behind this is, a person who has a lot of time and little to do will be more likely to procrastinate, whereas a person who is extremely busy will probably bang that shit out. I know I'm not explaining it as well as I could, but my day was just a fucking mess, and I'm still stressed about it. What happened to my lazy-days receptionist job? Huh? GONE. Nevertheless, I am quite proud of my promotion. Surprised and proud. Now, let's do this.

This episode is awesome. Callisto shines brightly in this episode, brighter here than in anything previous, in my opinion. Hudson Leick nails it. You can tell she loves the character Callisto.

Shit, season 2 is good. It's just one top-notch episode after another. And I thought Season 1 was incredible. The picture quality is starting to improve, too, I think; not that I was complaining before. I've always loved it, but I definitely noticed this episode's keen lighting and tight grain.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS:

1) C: "I think you should hear what I have to say. In fact, I’m your only friend right now.” V: “I don’t need or want friends.” C: “Another thing we have in common.” – Where I sort of don't think Callisto's character tells the truth here, I totally believe Velasca.

2) G: “When we were at the village and Xena was talking about Cirra, did you feel anything?” C: “My goodness. Are you trying to figure me out? I’m flattered.” G: “Answer me. Or are you afraid?” – This is so good. I love Gabrielle.

3) C: "My turn.” G: “What?” C: “When I sliced open your husband, how long did it take him to die? [Laughs]” X: “There’s a path out of the mountains- [Gabrielle blows past her] What’s wrong with her?” C: “We played a game of truth or dare and she’s not very good at it.” – This shouldn’t be funny, but it’s fucking hilarious. Callisto is a genius. HL really laughs her ass off.

4) G: “I don’t wanna die.” V: “Hmm. Well, at least you admit it. Strange, but I don’t really wanna kill you.” G: “Go with it.” – Gabrielle says this very seriously, making it even funnier than it would’ve been.

5) V: “Oh, she’s gotta go.” – The way this is said is fucking hilarious.

In honor of Xena's confession to Callisto in front of tens, my favorite song off of Bananarama's True Confessions album (which was my very first cassette tape), "True Confessions:"

In further honor of Xena's confesh, here's my favorite song from Madonna's Confessions on a Dance Floor (because, let's face it; Xena might as well have made that confession on the dance floor):

Speaking of Madonna, Callisto claims that she and Gabrielle played a game of Truth or Dare. Madonna made a documentary called "Truth or Dare" back in the day and now she has a scent named after it, I believe. Anyway, I'm on a roll here, so let's just take a look at my favorite Madona performance from that movie (or ever) to close:

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 13: "The Quest"

Gang, big changes in my life these past couple of weeks. I've now been promoted (on my 4th day at my new job) to office manager and administrative assistant to the main partner of my company. They are sending me to school for further training and footing the bill. Can you believe that shit? Now, the big question is, WILL my Xena posts lessen or become more frequent? Only time will tell.

Ok, let's just get this out of the way right now: The woman who played Velasca (Melinda Clarke) is the same actress who played what's-her-face's mother on the O.C. She was as magnificent on that show as she was on Xena. Yes, she got her start on Xena: Warrior Princess. Is it any wonder that she achieved such fame afterward? No. 

[SERIES SPOILER] Other goodies are coming our way further in the series in the way of random celebrity appearances. The most infamous one takes place in season 5, I believe. [END SPOILER]

And now, Xena's "The Quest"... not to be confused with the 80s movie by the same name.

Immediately, the first thing everyone thinks of when summoning this episode is that kiss. MAN... I remember being… blindsided by this kiss. I recall watching it at home (maybe I was 18) and being just shocked. And elated that this show would have the balls to do something like that. I couldn't believe it. Xena doesn’t fuck around.

Upon my initial write-up of this review, I gave the episode seven stars. I might come back and change it to eight. We’ll see.

 

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS: 

1) V: “Gabrielle. Princess. A word with you, please.” – Love how she says this.

2) G: "Prepare the ceremonial pyre. Xena will have an Amazon funeral. I’ll take her ashes to Amphipolis, and I’ll return to rule as Queen.” - I’ve never seen Gabrielle look more beautiful.

3) A: “Gabrielle, Xena’s inside me. Her mind, her soul, her essence - whatever. It’s in here with me and she wants me to steal her body.” X: “Ah, that’s so pathetic.” G: “You’re so pathetic.” – This is fucking hilaAarious.

4) G: “Autolycus, what is going on? Why is Xena in your mind?” A: “Oh-ho, now you believe me. Ow! Does she work out for those stunts?” G: “Where is she?” A: “I-I don’t know. Stop that.” – I love how eager Gabrielle is to know. She’s touching Autolycus and investigating him with the curiosity of a cat.

5) X: “Autolycus, I’m going to speak through you. Give me control.” A: “No, wait. We have an agreement. I have a right- Yes, Gabrielle, it’s me." – I love how she doesn’t wait for his consent.

6) A: “Well, I.. hope you two worked things out.” G: “We did. Thank you. I mean that.”

7) V: “It’s not whether you die; it’s how you die that counts. Let me tell you something about myself. I like pain. I like what it does to people, and I like what it makes people do. And I’m not bragging. I’m just explaining.” – God.

8) A: “Well, my lockpick’s in my other shirt. If only I had just a small, sort of um.. Would you put that hand right there? And that hand there? Now, don’t worry, this is business, not pleasure. Well, mostly business. Huh-ha-ha. Hold it.” – I love that this happens. Thank you, whoever wrote this.

9) X: “Despite all your bluster and bravado, Autolycus, you’re a nice person. I knew I could trust you. I always will.” - Awwww.

10) G: “You know, for a few moments, I knew what it was like to be you.” X: “And?” G: “It was warm, friendly, loving-” X: “Gabrielle, it was a fight.” G: “I felt protected.”- If you really think about what she's saying, that's pretty intense. 

Steve Martin's body under the control of Lily Tomlin in All of Me:

 

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 12: "Destiny"

OK, so, as you can see, a few days have passed since I last.. you know, posted. There have been some rather huge developments. I've:

1) Filed my taxes and am proud to say that I owe nothing and am receiving a $42 refund, making me the richest woman in all of Brooklyn.

2) Renewed my lease for another year. I seriously checked the box that said, "I am moving out May 31st," and mailed that shit in. Then my landlord called me and said, "are you sure?" I don't know what happened, but right then something clicked and I said, "no, I'm not. Please sign me up for another year." And the rest is history.

3) I quit my job on Monday, because I found a better job that started Tuesday, but my old boss doesn't know that. My old boss would monitor every single thing we did, including watching us through surveillance cameras and viewing the websites we visited. Of course, I checked Hey, Girl once or twice to scan for mistakes. My boss said a few things once that made me realize that he visited and read this blog, probably out of fear that I was blogging instead of working. (For the record, that never occurred.)

The week before I quit, I called in sick one day, went on an interview for this... awesome new job that gives me full benefits, much higher pay, and less work. They hired me the next day. Out of a very real fear that my old boss wouldn't pay me because I couldn't give him two weeks notice, I quit my job Monday night after I got paid and cashed my check. I feel terrible for quitting the way I did (I've never done that before in my life), but in my defense, my boss was asking for it.

Now. Where's the beef?

So, as you may know, "Destiny" is one half of a two-parter. (Part 2 is "The Quest.") If you've been keeping up with my stuff, then you'll remember my policy on two-parters: I watch them consecutively, no matter what. No matter if it's 4:00 AM on a work day, I'm late for a baptism, I'm being kicked out of my house, or my electricity just got shut off and I have to go to someone's house to complete the job. If it's "to be continued" then I'm continuing as directed.

I was wondering when the one where Xena gets smashed by a tree would be coming, and here it is, in “Destiny.” Man, this episode is loaded. It’s so good. I love episodes where we learn about Xena’s past and this episode is chock full of it. We find out what her beef is with Caesar, that she’s toootally been crucified (and had her legs broken? Geez.) and most importantly, where she learned the pinch. This shit is gooood, girl.

With this ep, we have a little bit more info on Xena's age. The story goes: TEN years ago, this thing with Caesar happened. We see at that time, that Xena already made a name for herself, having just defended Amphipolis and built a powerful army. She couldn’t have been any younger than about 17 or 18 at that time, right? (Maybe she was older, even.) I think that makes her 27 or 28 in the current parts of the episode. And how old is Gabrielle? Callisto, herself, looks like just a kid of about 9 in the battle at Cirra. My guess is Gabrielle must’ve been about 7 years old when Caesar, M'Lila and Xena's crucifixion happened. Age gaps. AWEsome.

There's some serious subtext going on in this episode; not so much in the way of sex, but in the way of feelings, I guess. For instance, let's consider Gabrielle's thoughts to Xena at the end of the episode, beautiful as they are. I try to imagine my best friend and I in this same situation. I don't know if these are the thoughts I would be having, if I knew that she was dead and could hear me. I don't know if the thought, "I need you," would go through my head. Perhaps, "No! No! Don't die, girl!" but not, "Remember your destiny. I know I'm a part of it. Don't die, because I need you, and I can't go on without you." Don't get me wrong, I love my best friend dearly, but.. you know?... I would say, "I need you" to the love of my life, for sure. Probably. More than likely.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS:

1) G: “So this is Cirra. It’s beautiful.” (Love how she says this while standing next to a human skull.) X: “To me, it’s the ugliest place on Earth.” - Pretty deep, Z.

2) C: “Divide and conquer, my friend. You divide a woman’s emotion from her sensibilities and you have her.” – Did Julius Caesar actually say this? God. I wish I had the drive to fact-check it.

3) C: “Of course. Each event in our life is part of a great plan. There are no accidents. Only destiny.” X: “And who shapes this destiny? The gods?” C: “Perhaps. Or it’s the blood in our veins, our souls, our desires, our will. They’re all in it together, weaving a tapestry we call ‘destiny.’” - Despite the fact that Caesar is an utter bastard in Xena, what he says here is amazing.

4) X: "Ask her why she saved me?” (He asks M'Lila; M'Lila answers him.) N: “She says it’s not your time to die.” X: “Well, if not now, then when?” – Veeery nice pacing from this question 10 years ago to Xena’s current situation at the hands of an older Niklio. Right after she asks, "when," the director takes us to that when. It was very good, this.

5) M: “You have a destiny, Xena. But you have to choose it.” X: “I did choose it. I chose evil.” M: “Now that you know evil, were evil, you can fight evil." - It takes one to know one. I agree with this. This show...

6) After M’Lila dies and Xena’s music starts, I got the chills.

7) That guy getting his face burned off was fucked up.

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 11: "Here She Comes... Miss Amphipolis"

OK, I know I've been missing in action for the past few days, but I have really good excuses involving lease renewals and taxes. Seriously, this last week... was hell. I'll get into it later, but for now, "Here She Comes... Miss Amphipolis."

I don't have a whole lot to say about this episode, though I did enjoy it. It explores some of the many facets of such a competition, the good and the bad... but I'd say mostly the bad; wouldn't you? Hmm.

Oddly enough, I know four people who were contestants in the Miss Texas pageant; three of them actually won (different years, of course).

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

EXTRAS:

1) G: “Contest, pageant. It’s a feeble excuse for men to exploit and degrade women.” - I love how she says this, then later, really gets into the contest as Xena’s sponsor.

2) S: "If you don’t help to keep things on the level, each leader is going blame the other, and soon, we’re all buying headstones.” G: “Yeah, probably from you.” – That’s hilarious.

3) G: “That’s right. I am called, the Marquesa. And from what I just hear, I am a lot better sponsor than any of you. Your contestant is nearly killed, and it’s you who’s insulted. Get a life! And yours is attacked, but it’s your disgrace? Give me a break.” – I just laughed.. SO hard. I love how Gabrielle just jumps right in. Fearful, she is not.

4) S: "As cool as the marble her country is known for, Miss Skiros’ hobbies include music, exotic dancing, and sacrificing to the gods. Her favorite deity - Aphrodite!" - Ha!

5) S: "Next up, we have Miss Amphipolis. A country girl at heart, she enjoys the simple things in life: weaving tapestries, making candles, and doing volunteer work with her local Hestian virgins." – I love this show.

6) S: “Actually, folks, this lanky beauty is our last contestant, Miss Artiphys, whose hobbies include archery, horse-breeding, and knowing the complete score to every musical ever written." - I might say the same about myself.

7) X: "Gabrielle, it's just a bad dress." G: “Bad dress?! Xena, chiffon is bad, chartreuse is bad, but this is a disaster. You will be eliminated halfway down the catwalk.” - I love this scene. Xena is so sophisticated that she can keep it together, even though the dress is horrible, whereas Gabrielle has become a fanatic.

Miss Congeniality, which was released in 2000. I actually like this movie. A lot. Now, is this Sandra Bullock? Or Xena?: 

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 10: "The Xena Scrolls"

Xena wielding a sword in glamorous 40s attire? Yes, waiter, I will have that, thank you. Gabrielle kicking ass and taking names dressed as Indiana Jones? Yes, steward, that sounds delightful.

"The Xena Scrolls" - similar to the very first episode of Xena, except the roles are reversed and the times have changed, obviously. Mel’s practically begging to be included in Janice’s archeological dig and to stay with her afterward, just like Gabrielle to Xena in "Sins of the Past." Janice is super tan; Mel is super white, whereas Gabrielle is usually the white one and Xena is tan, etc, etc. Good stuff.

Also, this simple recap episode (from the tail-end of Season 1 only) hints at legitimacy to aaall of these episodes as historical events. Very smart. ...Here's something that is true: A LOT of people don't realize that Xena is a recently made-up figure. Seriously, ask some peeps. Because of the show's popularity (and intricate, clever episodes), many people think that Xena is a bonafide, historical, mythological, ancient Greek personality; just like Hercules, Zeus, and Athena. I love that it happens; it's just amazeballs.

Now, it’s true; I make references to the Gatling gun about five times a day. It’s one of my favorite weapons in the world. It’s got it all: power, bulk, pzazz. In this ep, there's an awesome scene in the beginning where Janice/Gabrielle rocks a Gatling. If you liked that, check out this ultimate electrically driven Gatling gun (mini gun) scene in T2. ..Thank you, Ahnold. 

A side note: when Xena stomped the sword into her hand and twirled it in the cave, I had to pause the episode to take a cold shower. That was one of the coolest moves ever. I am in love with the stunts in this gd show.

In closing, for being a recap episode, "The Xena Scrolls" is very important. You’ll see why, later. Some of it becomes interesting for different reasons. [SERIES SPOILER] For example, Janice/Gabrielle in this episode eventually feels lesser, like a weak sidekick who only knows kindness and masterful verbal skills. This feeling would have some bearing through the first few seasons, but as we all know, at the end of the series, Gabrielle is nearly Xena’s equal in the warrior/fighting realm. Not to even mention that Xena totally comes back through Mel in this ep, when it's made clear in the last two episodes that she can never come back. Right? Are we supposed to just pretend that this episode doesn't exist? There are other conflicting eps like this one to come, too. [END SPOILER]

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS:

1) JC: “And now that I’m this close to proving his quest wasn’t in vain, I’m not about to enlist the aid of some spoiled brat who’s trying to live on her father’s reputation.” M: “Just like you’re trying to live down your Daddy’s reputation?!” JC: “What did you say?” – Love how ROC says this. I believe her.

2) JC: “Sit down and stay out of my way. I’ll find the scrolls myself.” M: “Dr. Covington, come here! Look what I found!” – This is just like the scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (my favorite of the trilogy) where Short Round leans against the wall (after Indi tells him to) and activates the death trap [1:17].

3) Jac: “Listen, who cares who gets the credit? Why don’t we pick up these little pieces of paper and get out of here?”- This made me laugh. He goes from worrying about himself and acting a fool to complete indifference and contempt.

4) A: “If the world thinks it knows death and destruction now, wait 'til they get a load of me!” – Direct reference to Jack Nicholson's portrayal of The Joker in Batman, as seen below.

5) JC: “You ventilated my hat! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Now, dance. Get outta here!” – Her voice rumbles hardcore here, which is my favorite thing in the world.

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 09: "A Solstice Carol"

It’s Easter weekend and what better way to celebrate the death of Christ than to celebrate his birth with the Xena Xmas episode, “A Solstice Carol.” It seems like it’s been years and years since I watched this episode, but it’s only been since late 2009. Regardless, I was totally giddy watching it this time.

First of all, this episode touches me in a special way, as it’s about eviction notices, one of which I recently received, myself.

"A Solstice Carol," of course, is a bon mot for "A Christmas Carol," a novel by Charles Dickens, which has been adapted up and down the streets millions of times over. (Two favorites of mine are Scrooged and Mickey's Christmas Carol.) In this wonderful Xena rendition, King Silvus fills the role of Ebenezer Scrooge, while Senticles fills the shoes of Bob Cratchit. Instead of the three spirits, we have the three fates, which is brilliant, really. I love this episode; it always puts me in a good mood.

I saw the guy who played Senticles as unfit for Santa Claus, until the end when we see him decked out as such. I wonder if he’s a professional Santa; he's great. And the sight of Senticles' toys... God, I love toys.

I also love the way this show continuously ties important events to our characters, such as Gabrielle helping Mary, Joseph, and Jesus get to Bethlehem (or wherever they're going) at the end of this episode. And this isn't the first time. It happened before when Gabrielle met King David and encouraged him to share his psalms, Xena tried to help Goliath, Gabrielle helped Homer tell better stories, Xena aided in the battle of Troy, etc.

The ending fight scene is phenomenal. Nice, creative use of the toys as weapons. We see Xena use star ornaments as throwing stars, marbles to trip people, even a Hercules puppet to whack some poor soldier. Gabrielle traps two soldiers with a hula hoop and pounds another two with hand bells. Senticles also throws ornaments like baseballs and fires a candy cane out of a crossbow. All of it makes me feel so good. I’d like to live my life according to this episode. 

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS:

1) G: “Now, no spying. And if one of us sees the other shopping in a stall, then she turns and walks the other way. Agreed?” X: “Yeah.” G: “No peeking into other peoples’ bags, too. I mean, being surprised is half the fun, right?” X: “Right.” G: “Ah, nothing can cost more than five dinars.” X: “Then why don’t I just give you five dinars, and you can buy something that you really like?” G: “Because, then it wouldn’t be a gift.” – This may be my most favorite dialogue ever from this show.

2) X: “Coming through!” – I wonder if ancients really said this as casually as we do.

3) Girl: “The round thing looks like the king’s crest.” L: “In honor of his cold heart.” – I know this line by rote, but never really understood it, until now.

4) X: “You signed the order yourself.” S: “Maybe so. I issue so many, time’s being what they are.” X: “And whose fault is that?” – This is such a universal theme, especially today.

5) Girl: “I wish we could have a big Solstice dinner with all the trimmings.” – Nothing against this child, but there’s no way in hell that people talked like this (like a valley girl) back then. It was a little distracting.

6) G: “Tobias, good job, boy. Now where’s Senticles? What? Are you trying to tell me something? Do you know where Senticles is? OK. Let’s find him. Smart donkey.” – I love the way Gabrielle says all this. And I love Tobias, so of course I’m going to put his “lines” in my EXTRAS section, whore. 

7) SC: “No, I won’t risk going to prison.” G: “Look, you say you’re afraid of small spaces. Well, that’s exactly how you live your whole life, in a small space, afraid to stand up for yourself or anyone else. Don’t you see? What you’re most afraid will happen, has happened? The question is, what are you going to do about it?” – I love this, personally.

8) L: “This is an orphanage. And, ‘cause we can’t pay our taxes, King Silvus is kicking us out of here at midnight. What kind of king does that to kids on Solstice Eve?” X/L: “Good question.” – Xena makes the simplest line sound like sex on a stick.

9) X: “Gabrielle, get me a sword.” [Gabrielle hands her a rubber sword] G: “This guy’s driving me nuts!” – When they face the human blender, as I like to call him. This ham-handedness seals the deal; this episode’s tone is perfect!

Senticles quotes Clint Eastwood and gets all Dirty Harry on everyone's asses, except he does it with a candy cane instead of a gun (as seen here):

Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983), the trailer:

Bill Murray's character is actually producing a TV adaptation of "A Christmas Carol" in Scrooged, an 80s telling of said story: 

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 08: "Ten Little Warlords"

Though a pinch-hitter, this ep was very, very good. LL's absence does not diminish the integrity of the story or cast in any way, particularly because HL plays Xena so well that we forget it's her. Excellent.

"Ten Little Warlords" is obviously a play on the title, "Ten Little Indians;" it's a book, a movie, a song, a clothing line, a children's rhyme... and perhaps now it's also politically incorrect?

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS:

1) A: Oh, uh, I would’ve switched you back into your old body, but, I, uh, lost my sword. Too bad. Not that you don’t wear Callisto magnificently.” - Ares has a lot of really funny lines in this episode. Who knew he was so funny? He's hilarious!

2) G: “Who do you have to punch to get a drink around here?!” - Gabrielle is also really funny in this episode, but we already knew she was funny.

3) A: “And pray, why, is it called a hangover?” XICB: “’Cause, pretty soon you’re gonna hang your head over that rail and- [Ares horks]”

4) A: "Now, Callisto- she’s all animal. You know, she starts like a cold fish, but you press the right buttons, hold on, it’s quite a ride. Mind you, my experience with her is rather unique. She was in your body at the time.” XICB: “When I get my body back, I gotta remember to take a long bath.” - I laughed right here.

5) A: “This time, I take the feet.” - This made me laugh, because I was expecting him to say something serious and ordinary. 

6) G: “You seem to be controlling yourself pretty well.” XICB: “I’ve lived with anger longer. Like it or not, it’s part of me.” G: “Get your hands off me.” - I love the dynamics of this dialogue. Love the tension. I would've loved to have seen it with LL, not that HL wasn't awesome as Xena.

7) G: “Xena, you know, I don’t know if I’m gonna get used to this. It’s so weird having your best friend in the body of your worst enemy. Could you dye your hair?” - Ha!! That's fuckin' funny!

8) XICB: “You can’t stop everyone. Come on.” – She sounded just like Xena here.

9) A: “Not usually so contentious, is she? Damn it, I like it!" - This is a sweet little bit here. Ares actually likes Gabrielle, because she's being violent. She finally speaks his language. 

10) G: “I am boiling mad, right now, at you! I’ve got this overwhelming desire to just knock you upside your irritating blonde- !” - The tables are turned?

11) XICB: “I want you to wait here, tomorrow. I’m going with Ares.” G: “You’re what?” XICB: “That’s my decision. End of discussion.” - Even now, Gabrielle's jealousy over Ares is apparent. The God of War and Xena share a relationship of which Gabrielle can never be a part. She brings this up twice in the episode; this being once. 

12) J: “Don’t touch my armor, please. This is hand-pounded.” - This is really funny.

13) V: “Don’t expect him to say anything. Last time he met Xena, her chakram severed his voice box.” XICB: “He had a dirty mouth.”

14) J: “Gabrielle, you sure Xena wants you following her to the island?” G: “Of course she does. Now, just shut up and go over there. Way over there.” - Gabrielle can't stay away from Xena.

15) J: “Whereas, people like you - innocent and sweet - don’t have that kind of bloodlust. Whereas, I am the picture of self-control. Come back here, you little winged thing. I’m gonna rip your wings off and mash your little body to pie- Shh, shh. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.” – This used to make me laugh sooo hard when I was a teen. It still does.

16) J: “Look, let’s not try to kill each other until after I slay the monster, OK?” G: “All right, but I can’t wait much longer.” J: “Neither can I.” - As a girl, I didn't get this joke, but now I do, and it's brilliant.  

17) G: “Xena, if Ares doesn’t keep his word, and he doesn’t switch you back, I’ll be there for you, no matter whose body you’re in.” - This is the truth of the whole series.

Gabrielle says, "He's baaack," after Ares revamps himself as the God of War. It's a direct reference to the late Heather O'Rourke's line in Poltergeist II. Lamely enough, the only clip of which I speak that I could embed is actually a silly commercial for the NBA. Nevertheless, you can see Carol Anne in action, albeit briefly. (You can check out the actual trailer here.)

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 07: "Intimate Stranger"

All right, you guys, "Intimate Stranger" is like a mishmash of Freaky Friday (either version applies) and Nightmare on Elm Street (any installment will work here). I love this episode, mainly because Lucy Lawless and Hudson Leick are so good at playing each others characters. After a while, you really believe that, what the writer and director want us to believe is happening, is actually happening.

This episode, along with “Callisto” and “Return of Callisto,” was one that I had on VHS for the longest time. To think of all the work I had to go through to get the trilogy on one VHS. Man! How did I ever do it? Did I read the TV guide to find out when these eps would come on, wait for them to air on TV, and then record them with the VHS player? That sounds like insanity. Now, I could easily watch these episodes instantly, if I desired (on Netflix, of course).

As a teenager, I didn't really understand about Callisto’s death being guilt-inducing for Xena. I still don’t really get it. I mean, Xena kills people all the time. Ares says to Xena, “Didn’t you serve as judge, jury, and executioner?” She did, but isn’t that how she serves everyone she kills? Since when did she ever give a shit? But then again, if she didn't feel guilty, we wouldn’t have this awesome episode.

One of my favorite scenes is the one where Callisto in Xena's Body (CIXB) tutors Gabrielle on killing with a blade on her staff. When CIXB gets overzealous and tells Gabrielle to lunge at the tree with her whole body, Gabrielle turns around to look at Xena, like, “girl, what the hell has gotten into you?” At this exact moment, you can see how green Gabrielle's eyes are. They match her top and the green forest behind her. She’s beautiful. Then, a moment after that, Xena examines the breast dagger that she’s just tied to the staff. The blue sky glares off the metal and CIXB flares her eyes really big, as crazy Callisto often does. The blade color matches her eyeballs. Awesome shots; love 'em.

Now. Let's get this party started. 

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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Jennifer falls asleep in Nightmare On Elm Street: Dream Warriors and look what happens to her:

The body swap from Freaky Friday (1976): 

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 06: "Warrior... Princess... Tramp"

“Yes, three women who look so much alike, and yet inside, so different.

One’s a warrior, and one’s a princess... one’s a tramp.” – Meg

What a leap! It’s a pretty daring series, indeed, to go directly from “Return of Callisto” to Meg. Look out; this ep is hilare.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS:

1) M/X: "I want you to meet Agis, uh- He was once the advisor to King Cabnis of Thebes. I trust him completely." - The way she said this nearly had me in tears. 

2) M: “That the irritating blonde? I can’t see how Xena can put up with her." - Is this the first time we hear the exact phrasing "irritating blonde?" It really sticks. 

3) G: “Big-mouthed idiot. Maybe it’s a code. Maybe it means something. Maybe, I’m gonna kill her." - I don't know about you, but I loved Gabrielle in the dungeon. She funny!

4) Xena to the bartender just as Agi's henchmen enter the bar: “Give me something strong.” – We all know what’s coming.

5) Guard: “Are you all right?” M/X: “Yes. I was, ah- I was just practicing my new punch.” - I can not get enough of Meg.

6) J: “Listen, Xena, I’ve been thinking a lot about something Gabrielle said to me.” M/X: “What did that little brat say?” - I secretly love this scene and have decided to out myself.

7) M/D to Joxer who's apologizing for grabbing her ass: “Oh, of course. It was just an honest mistake.” – The way she says this is the funniest gd thing I’ve ever heard. LL is a genius.

8) Agis says this to Meg while Xena and Joxer hide behind a curtain: “Try staying away from that clown, Joxer.” - Joxer is offended, then Meg says: “I think he’s cute.” – Joxer gloats and Xena glares at him. Hilarious.

9) G: “I know what the plan is: You’re trying to drive me insane!” - If you really think about it, this is the only logical conclusion Gabrielle could draw.

10) J: “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How am I supposed to know who the real Diana is?” X: “Well, if you come across a woman, and she looks exactly like me, and she displays any interest in you whatsoever as a man, that’s the bad one.” J: “She is bad. Real bad.” - YES!!

11) X/M: “No, but if I have to listen to you two blabber any more, somebody’s gonna end up seriously dead." - That's funny. 

12) J: “That’s OK. I’ve been keeping an eye out for you for the fake Diana.” X: “Her name’s Meg.” J: “Meg, huh? That’s a pretty name.” X: “You’re not falling for her, are you?” J: “Well, I’ve seen a different side of her.” X: “I bet you have.”- THAT's funny.

13) M: “Get out of my way.” G: “Over my dead body.” – Kind of cool that Gabrielle says this.

14) J: "I brought your sword.” X: “Come on, idiot!" - Xena says this like it's not a joke at all, which makes it all the better. 

15) KL: “You’re not my daughter, are you?” M: “Not officially.” KL: “You’re not Xena, either.” M: “No.” KL: “Amazing.” – King Lias is all about the look-alikes.

16) This whole thing is just too good. Xena pokes such fun at the chakram in the comedies. D/X: “Anyone who tries to stop me is going to eat my sword. Oh! But wait! I still have my round killing thing.” Henchman: “It’s Diana!” Now it's Meg's turn: M/X: “Hold it, right there! In the blink of an eye I can split the skull of anyone who moves with my trusty shamrock.” A: “Grab her; it’s Meg!” Then Xena appears: “Guess which one I am.” - So good.

17) M: “So long, Joxer. Ditch the broads and double back. I’ll leave the kitchen door open for you.” - This is right before the spoons fall out of her dress.

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 05: "Return of Callisto"

“Return of Callisto” 

(Just in case things got too real for you in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.")

I love this episode. SO much. And four favorites and I’m only on episode 5? Heaven has really smiled upon me. Before I go any further, this is my favorite movie on the planet, and everything I'm saying is the truth:

Though "Return of Callisto" is about a very sweet outward pairing of Perdicus and Gabrielle, it’s laden with Xena and Gabrielle subtext that only this kind of situation could conjure. There's so much of it, I'm going to spend a few paragraphs covering the topic. (The subtext section is just too small for "Return of Callisto," so I present:)

"Return of Callisto:" Subtext Detail

1) First of all, Xena saves Gabrielle during Callisto's village raid. You would think if Perdicus loved Gabrielle so much, he would’ve saved her. I mean, he was standing right next to her. It says a lot that he didn’t. I understand he was going through a “thing” but come on, man; grow a pair!

2) We see distressful looks at every turn from Xena regarding this marriage:

1) When Perdicus proposes
2) When Gabrielle discusses the proposal with Xena
3) When Gabrielle tells Xena that she's going to say yes
4) When Gabrielle and Perdicus kiss during the wedding
5) And when Xena hugs Gabrielle goodbye

She just doesn’t look happy about any of it, does she.

3) Then there’s that "chaste" kiss. Almost the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. Someone I loved very much, but who was already taken (though the feeling was mutual), kissed me like that once. Because it was innocent, it meant so much to me and satisfied something very base. It was a lot like Xena and Gabrielle's kiss. I’ll never forget it.

4) Gabrielle gives Xena her flowers. I know, I know; it’s tradition, but… was it back then?

5) Gabrielle thinks of naming her future daughter "Xena," as if it’s the most beautiful name she ever heard. And while thinking about Xena, her mind goes straight to having sex with Perdicus. Have you ever had sex with a man and pretended it was a woman? I have.

6) Gabrielle tells Perdicus that she's never been with a man before. This could've just been a gentle way for the show to state its intentions but still stay family-oriented, you know, instead of Gabrielle saying, "I've never had sex before," "I'm a virgin" or "I've never experienced penis-to-vagina contact." BUT, could she have meant the other interpretation? That she's been with women but not men? I doubt it, but she said it this way; not me. (Additionally, I do love this whole conversation, that Perdicus has been with other women, which hurts Gabrielle to hear. Does it not hurt all of us to hear that? Then Perdicus makes fun of himself, which makes him even more likable.)

7) Callisto says to Xena about burning Gabrielle at the stake: “You’re about to watch the friendship of your life go up in smoke.” Earlier we talked about the use of the word “friend” in this series. I’ve never heard the phrase “friendship of your life” in my lifetime. "The friendship of your life..." I wonder if it's even possible to have such a thing. For me, there isn't just one good friend in my life, but many. Or rather, it's hard to rate friendships or say which is the most beneficial. Some friends come and go and some stay, but I'd say there are several for most people.

Now, I have heard the phrase, “love of your life.” Some people believe there is only one of of those. I think for Xena, this is true of Gabrielle already.

Gamely, if I think to myself, who is the friendship of my life?, several names pass through my head. It could be my best friend, Luscious L, but she's not what I would call "the friendship of my life." The friendship of my life might be the person who was closest to me or the person who's friendship has affected me the most and that would probably be the love of my life, whose name I won't say.

My point: I believe the writer deliberately wrote the line that way and isn't talking about a mere friendship at all. Even more interesting, I don't think that Xena and Gabrielle have ever confronted their "friendship," but Callisto sees it clearly, at least from Xena's end, which makes that comment all the more biting.

BONUS) There are those who think that Callisto has a thing for either Xena or Gabrielle or both, and I could see that.

Callisto is an awesome character, because she's a psychopath. What I find most interesting about Callisto is the fact that she seems so damaged to the point where she's incapable of giving or receiving love. We all know someone like this. Deep down, though, there's room for love with Callisto [SERIES SPOILER] which is apparent in later episodes [END SPOILER].

In this episode, Callisto gets somewhat subtexty when she calls Xena pretty, blows her a kiss, then plays with Gabrielle’s hair before setting her on fire.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS:

1) G: “I’m sorry. I- just excuse me? OK?” – And she leaves Perdicus by the fire. I want to know where she went.

2) X: “Look, Gabrielle, if it’s me you’re worried about, let me set your mind at rest. Seeing you happy will make me happy. And if that means settling down with Perdicus, then, you have my blessing.” – I said the same thing (using different words) to a girlfriend once, because she met a dude whom she loved. She went for it but it didn't work out, because, when it came down to it, she was really in love with me. Just sayin'.

3) G: “Ah, Perdicus? I’ve- I’ve never been with a man, before. Have you? Been with women?” P: “Uh, well- I was- I was a soldier, and-” G: “I don’t need to hear anymore.” P “Does that bother you- that I’ve- I’ve been with- other women?” G: “A little. But I guess one of us should be good at it.” P: “Hey, I never said that I was good at it.” – This whole conversation is perfect. It’s so sweet and probably something I would say or have said. Every couple has this conversation, don’t they?

4) G: “If she dies with me, that’ll be fine.” X: “Not with me it won’t. Besides, she’d chop you into little pieces before you even struck a first blow.” G: “That’s because you never taught me how to use a sword. Now, that’s going to change right now. I want a lesson.” X: “No.” G: “Why?” - Gabrielle's never talked to Xena this way before.

5) G: “Just teach me how to use a sword, so, at least I stand a fighting chance. Please.” X: “All right, pick it up.”

6) X: “If anyone’s listening, you know I’m not much for praying. But I don’t know what else to do. I was ready to give up once, and- and Gabrielle came into my life. Please, don’t let that light that shines out of her face go out. I couldn’t stand the darkness that would follow.” - This is amazing. 

7) This was featured in the credits and made me laugh: “Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out of her leather unmentionables.”

Xena’s "not much for praying." Neither is Yo La Tengo:

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