Xena: Season 2, Episode 05: "Return of Callisto"

“Return of Callisto” 

(Just in case things got too real for you in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.")

I love this episode. SO much. And four favorites and I’m only on episode 5? Heaven has really smiled upon me. Before I go any further, this is my favorite movie on the planet, and everything I'm saying is the truth:

Though "Return of Callisto" is about a very sweet outward pairing of Perdicus and Gabrielle, it’s laden with Xena and Gabrielle subtext that only this kind of situation could conjure. There's so much of it, I'm going to spend a few paragraphs covering the topic. (The subtext section is just too small for "Return of Callisto," so I present:)

"Return of Callisto:" Subtext Detail

1) First of all, Xena saves Gabrielle during Callisto's village raid. You would think if Perdicus loved Gabrielle so much, he would’ve saved her. I mean, he was standing right next to her. It says a lot that he didn’t. I understand he was going through a “thing” but come on, man; grow a pair!

2) We see distressful looks at every turn from Xena regarding this marriage:

1) When Perdicus proposes
2) When Gabrielle discusses the proposal with Xena
3) When Gabrielle tells Xena that she's going to say yes
4) When Gabrielle and Perdicus kiss during the wedding
5) And when Xena hugs Gabrielle goodbye

She just doesn’t look happy about any of it, does she.

3) Then there’s that "chaste" kiss. Almost the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. Someone I loved very much, but who was already taken (though the feeling was mutual), kissed me like that once. Because it was innocent, it meant so much to me and satisfied something very base. It was a lot like Xena and Gabrielle's kiss. I’ll never forget it.

4) Gabrielle gives Xena her flowers. I know, I know; it’s tradition, but… was it back then?

5) Gabrielle thinks of naming her future daughter "Xena," as if it’s the most beautiful name she ever heard. And while thinking about Xena, her mind goes straight to having sex with Perdicus. Have you ever had sex with a man and pretended it was a woman? I have.

6) Gabrielle tells Perdicus that she's never been with a man before. This could've just been a gentle way for the show to state its intentions but still stay family-oriented, you know, instead of Gabrielle saying, "I've never had sex before," "I'm a virgin" or "I've never experienced penis-to-vagina contact." BUT, could she have meant the other interpretation? That she's been with women but not men? I doubt it, but she said it this way; not me. (Additionally, I do love this whole conversation, that Perdicus has been with other women, which hurts Gabrielle to hear. Does it not hurt all of us to hear that? Then Perdicus makes fun of himself, which makes him even more likable.)

7) Callisto says to Xena about burning Gabrielle at the stake: “You’re about to watch the friendship of your life go up in smoke.” Earlier we talked about the use of the word “friend” in this series. I’ve never heard the phrase “friendship of your life” in my lifetime. "The friendship of your life..." I wonder if it's even possible to have such a thing. For me, there isn't just one good friend in my life, but many. Or rather, it's hard to rate friendships or say which is the most beneficial. Some friends come and go and some stay, but I'd say there are several for most people.

Now, I have heard the phrase, “love of your life.” Some people believe there is only one of of those. I think for Xena, this is true of Gabrielle already.

Gamely, if I think to myself, who is the friendship of my life?, several names pass through my head. It could be my best friend, Luscious L, but she's not what I would call "the friendship of my life." The friendship of my life might be the person who was closest to me or the person who's friendship has affected me the most and that would probably be the love of my life, whose name I won't say.

My point: I believe the writer deliberately wrote the line that way and isn't talking about a mere friendship at all. Even more interesting, I don't think that Xena and Gabrielle have ever confronted their "friendship," but Callisto sees it clearly, at least from Xena's end, which makes that comment all the more biting.

BONUS) There are those who think that Callisto has a thing for either Xena or Gabrielle or both, and I could see that.

Callisto is an awesome character, because she's a psychopath. What I find most interesting about Callisto is the fact that she seems so damaged to the point where she's incapable of giving or receiving love. We all know someone like this. Deep down, though, there's room for love with Callisto [SERIES SPOILER] which is apparent in later episodes [END SPOILER].

In this episode, Callisto gets somewhat subtexty when she calls Xena pretty, blows her a kiss, then plays with Gabrielle’s hair before setting her on fire.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

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EXTRAS:

1) G: “I’m sorry. I- just excuse me? OK?” – And she leaves Perdicus by the fire. I want to know where she went.

2) X: “Look, Gabrielle, if it’s me you’re worried about, let me set your mind at rest. Seeing you happy will make me happy. And if that means settling down with Perdicus, then, you have my blessing.” – I said the same thing (using different words) to a girlfriend once, because she met a dude whom she loved. She went for it but it didn't work out, because, when it came down to it, she was really in love with me. Just sayin'.

3) G: “Ah, Perdicus? I’ve- I’ve never been with a man, before. Have you? Been with women?” P: “Uh, well- I was- I was a soldier, and-” G: “I don’t need to hear anymore.” P “Does that bother you- that I’ve- I’ve been with- other women?” G: “A little. But I guess one of us should be good at it.” P: “Hey, I never said that I was good at it.” – This whole conversation is perfect. It’s so sweet and probably something I would say or have said. Every couple has this conversation, don’t they?

4) G: “If she dies with me, that’ll be fine.” X: “Not with me it won’t. Besides, she’d chop you into little pieces before you even struck a first blow.” G: “That’s because you never taught me how to use a sword. Now, that’s going to change right now. I want a lesson.” X: “No.” G: “Why?” - Gabrielle's never talked to Xena this way before.

5) G: “Just teach me how to use a sword, so, at least I stand a fighting chance. Please.” X: “All right, pick it up.”

6) X: “If anyone’s listening, you know I’m not much for praying. But I don’t know what else to do. I was ready to give up once, and- and Gabrielle came into my life. Please, don’t let that light that shines out of her face go out. I couldn’t stand the darkness that would follow.” - This is amazing. 

7) This was featured in the credits and made me laugh: “Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out of her leather unmentionables.”

Xena’s "not much for praying." Neither is Yo La Tengo:

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