Hey, Girl. It's Wanda.: April 2018

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Xena: Season 5, Episode 01: "Fallen Angel"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“The Best Episode of Season 5”

Oh my god, dude, that episode was so fucking good. God, that was amazing. Xena just went all in for Gabrielle. She cut her wing off. That was just awesome. Season 5 jumped right into the chaos. This episode might just be a niner. Just marvelous, I was so engrossed. Furthermore, is this Callisto's last episode?

You see, what I can’t believe, is that people watching this show in real time had to wait months for this episode, following the devastation of “The Ides of March.”

Number of wings Xena cuts off in this episode: 2

A few things surprised me:

The scenes of Xena and Gabrielle dead on crosses were so fucking morbid. It was very believable, I was a bit captivated by the severity of it. I mean, they were D-E-A-D.
I cried real good in this several times. I just can’t believe how hard they went.
Xena and Gabrielle came back from the dead, just like Jesus did following his crucifixion.
Xena giving her soul for Callisto.
[SPOILER] They managed to squeeze-in an immaculate conception. [END SPOILER]

Things that were just amazing:

Gabrielle dealing with Good Callisto was just awesome, holy shit. Every word they said to each other– I couldn't tear my eyes away if I'd tried. I hung onto it like Doc to that clock at the end of Back to the Future.
Of all the things I remember about watching Xena over the course of my life, the moment where Xena swaps with Callisto is crystal clear. I have said before that Xena giving her light to Callisto is unexpectedly the most profound moment in Xena. Xena's reaction to it, from the word “no” to the single tear drop, to her hand flexing on her sword because it hurt (or felt good?), the music, the fade to white, after what Callisto just snarled to her– It is so fucking beautiful. And what exactly is Xena doing? She’s giving-up her soul for Callisto, the one who killed her, and forsaking eternity with Gabrielle. I did not see it coming, the whole interaction and act. Additionally, they both looked like they were having orgasms and I wonder if that was the direction they were given.
Gabrielle is the female version of Gabriel who was an archangel. Fuck, Gabrielle was hot as an archangel. Xena was too, but they barely showed her in that capacity.

Quibbles:

I wish the graphics were better.
And I wish the god damn wings retracted when the archangels were grounded but what can you do, year 2000?
Wish they’d shown everyone being more devastated about Gabrielle and Xena. You know, like more crying. What the fuck.
[SPOILER] Callisto made Xena pregnant, which kinda sucks, but it was also really cool, because Lucy Lawless was having a baby and they didn’t make her have sex with a stupid dude. And Callisto got her pregnant. It’s her and Callisto’s baby!! [SPOILER WITHIN SPOILER] And as an adult, the actress who plays the kid truly does look like Xena and Callisto. [SPOILERS END]

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

EXTRA LOVED:

1) That it’s snowing. It’s so beautiful.
2) X reaching for G when they’re falling.
3) Michael bringing Xena back.
4) Amarice killing those two guards.
5) Amarice cutting a piece of X’s hair for herself.
6) Callisto’s cloven feet.
7) Gabrielle emerging from the baptism water.
8) The archangel/demon fight.
9) Gabrielle killing demons.
10) Xena killing archangels.
11) Xena and Gabrielle trying to move after coming back to life.

EXTRA NOTES:

1) Until Callisto flew in, I was almost disappointed in where this episode was going. The guardian angels looked so boring. HEAVEN looked boring.

2) Dude, they dropped Gabrielle’s voice a couple octaves for her demon bit, and it kinda scared the shit outta me.

3) Lucy Lawless making all these fucked up faces as a demon is really something. It alone could carry this episode.

4) Where did Michael’s wings go during the fight? Was that a mistake?

5) Every time I’m done watching this episode, I forget exactly how good it is.

6) 15:12 – There's clearly an overdub here. Wonder what Michael really said.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Joxer: "Um, I'm gonna I'm gonna take their bodies back to Greece, because I know Xena wanted to be buried next to her brother, and Gabrielle next to her, so." – I don’t know about you, but I like to be buried next to “just friends” all the time. Subtext City.

2) X: "She has to be rescued." Michael: "That's the responsibility of the archangels." X: "No, it's my responsibility." Michael: "Yours? You're not even an angel. You're to be reborn in a new body." X: "Well, that's gonna have to wait. Right now, I'm going after my friend." Michael: "That's impossible." X: "No, it's not.” – This is what I fucking love about Xena. For her, and this show, anything is possible. The writing in this episode is dope as fuck.

3) Michael: "Are you insane?" X: "It depends who you talk to."

4) X: "Gabrielle and I have already been through hell together. I didn't come all this way to lose her now. So, either you set me up with a pair of wings, or I take another dive. Michael, Gabrielle's soul and mine were destined to be together. I can't let her walk through Hell alone. Please."

5) Callisto: “Aren't you the lucky girl? You get to spend eternity with me.” – Somehow, again, Callisto is really funny in this.

6) Amarice: "Xena they say the dead can hear the thoughts of the living, so hear this. I'm picking up where you left off. I may never be as good a warrior as you, and I know I'll never be as wise, but I promise, with all my heart and soul to honor the memory of the Warrior Princess." Joxer: "She would have liked that."

7) Amarice: "You got them killed. You infected Gabrielle with your peace and love talk. You made her helpless! She never would have gotten captured if she hadn't lost her warrior spirit." Eli: "I'm sorry you feel that way." Amarice: "It's not a feeling. It's a fact. You slowed them down just enough to kill them. You might as well have driven-in the nails yourself." – Not to be a bitch, but I kind of agree with her.

8) Archangel: "You might be tempted to save Gabrielle from her pain." X: "And that's a bad thing?" Michael: "Xena, listen there's only one way to do that. You would have to take on her guilt, and free her from her suffering by giving her your light "

9) G: "Callisto when Xena burned your family did you see them on fire? Did you did you smell their flesh sizzling? You know what I think? You wanted them to die so you'd have a reason to be a bitch." – This is so mean. Wow. Dang, girl.

10) G: "Where's Xena?" Michael: "Xena gave herself up to save one of the damned." G: "What are you talking about? Who did she save?" – Love the way Gabrielle says this.

11) G: "Are you telling me that Xena is in Hell and she's in paradise?!" Callisto: "Gabrielle? I know you." G: "Oh, you know me. You murdered my husband and many innocent people."

12) G: “You call this justice?" Michael: "Xena called it justice. She chose to suffer in Callisto's place. When you look at her now what you see is what she would have become if Xena had not killed her family."

13) Joxer: "She looks like she's sleeping. It's like at any minute she's gonna wake up and complain about how no one ever lets you sleep in."

14) G: "I know Xena. More importantly, she knows me. Look, I guarantee you, when the fighting starts, she'll come after me. She'll insist that I'm either with her or against her.”

15) Michael: "You understand there's no saving Xena. The only way to stop her is to cut her up and let her spend the rest of eternity in pieces." G: "If that's what it takes."

16) Callisto: "I don't blame you. I did a terrible thing. I killed someone you loved. I must have been very evil. I don't understand it myself. Why would Xena do something like that for me?" G: "Maybe it was a guilty conscience about your family." Callisto: "My family? My family. You know Michael told me I would never know love like the love of Heaven, but he's wrong. My family gave me that kind of love all the time. My memory of so much of my life is confused and fuzzy but that part, I remember every detail. And Michael says, when I'm ready, I go to see 'em again." G: "Callisto, I am not buying it! Callisto, stop it! I know you are in there. You are evil to the core, and you always will be. Don't touch me." Callisto: "...I'm so sorry." G: "…I am, too." – This is fucking amazing. And the part about the family is so heavy. Jesus.

17) X: "Gabrielle? We shouldn't be fighting." G: "You're right, Xena." X: "I wanna spend eternity with you. Won't you join me?" G: "Lay down your sword, Xena. If Callisto can be redeemed, why not you?" X: "Callisto's a trick. They deceive you, Gabrielle. Callisto can't change. You know that. Our master is greatly pleased when a soul joins him of its own free will. Come with me, now. Whaddya say?" G: "I can't." X: "Why not? Gabrielle, the love that we have, it's stronger than Heaven or Hell. It transcends good or evil. It's an end in itself! Our souls are destined to be together. Gabrielle, you can't let me walk through Hell alone." G: "I'm sorry." – I wish I could quote the whole script; the writing is top notch.

18) G: "Xena, don't!" – This is awesome to me for some reason. Gabrielle telling Xena not to drop them both to Hell.

19) Michael: "Gabrielle!" G: "Michael!" X: "'Michael! Oh, no! We're going to Heeeeeeeell!'" – Hahahahaha

A fitting song to this beautiful episode and one I listened to heavily this day. Lykke Li covering Drake's “Hold on, We’re Going Home”

I want to put the song "Back to Life" here, but that would kill the moment. Bye bye.

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Saturday, April 21, 2018

Xena: Season 5 Pre-Thoughts [SPOILERS]

Nothing but Season 5 spoilers in here, chappy. Consider yourself well-warned. Consider yourself part of the family.

THIS WHOLE ENTRY IS A SPOILER.

Now's your chance to save yourself.

Turn back now.

[SPOILER] [SPOILER] [SPOILER] [SPOILER] [SPOILER] [SPOILER] [SPOILER]

OK, I feel like I got through Season 4 pretty quick, right?? I said a would, and i did, because a Tate never goes back on her word.

Season 4 was the sauce on my spicy wings. It was the tits in a bra, the Selena HEB bag that sold out in four minutes, the diamond no one will ever give me. It will never happen again [SERIES SPOILER] It can be argued very nearly accurately that it does happen again in Season 6, but I'm goin' off right now. Leave me alone. [END SERIES SPOILER]

That said ... I do not like Season 5. Sure, it starts with an absolute bang of brilliant white light, but that's about it. This season has the coldest episodes, the dumbest episodes, the wrongest episodes ... the straightest episodes. You think you know how they're going to be, but trust me, you don't.

There are good episodes in here, but as a whole, you won't see anything close to the caliber of the first four seasons. This is, what I would call, the worst season of Xena. I hope to change my mind during this watch, but I'm not holding my breath. Any breath-holding will be done during all these stinky episodes.

That's not to say nothing happens in Season 5! Actually, somehow, A LOT of fucking shit happens. Such as:

1) Xena and Gabrielle come back from the dead and go to heaven
2) Xena, as a fallen angel, switches places with Callisto to save her soul
3) A second chakram emerges. It joins with the original to make an awesome, splitting chakram!
4) Xena gets pregnant (because Lucy Lawless was pregnant in reality)
5) Xena goes into a huge battle with Ming Tien again and kills him again using the way (because she’s pregnant)
6) Xena has a girl and names her Eve
7) Xena and Gabrielle die again, kinda. Ares stows them away until they can be resurrected
8) They do get resurrected about 25 years later
9) The worst Xena episode ever
10) Another pretty sweet musical episode
11) Eve turns into the dark version of herself, like Xena did. Xena and Gabrielle gotta turn her around and eventually do
12) Xena’s daughter is annoying
13) Xena and Gabrielle kill aaAaall the gods except for a couple

See, there IS GOOD STUFF! There's just also an excess of disappointing stuff. Regardless, I am so excited to jump in. I do hope to finish quicker than Season 4, even though Season 4 was pretty quick! In the words of someone somewhere (but maybe me for the first time), "Is that your jockstrap? Cuz I'm using it as a slingshot."

When I first saw Season 5 in 2009, I didn’t realize the show was going to get better in Season 6. I hadn’t read anything about the series; I just watched the whole thing. Season 5 really started looking bleak and I remember fretting to my friends about it. I was so depressed and upset. The deeper I went, the more poorly-written and tone-deaf each episode became, with almost zero subtext between Xena and Gabrielle. I think one of them even makes out with a man. No fun time between them, except at the beginning. Xena was looking like..well.. Hercules. (shudders) And that’s not what I’m here for, folks. (Especially now, with Kevin Sorbo being a total asshole-trump-supporter-bigot. No thanks.)

Looking for answers as to why Season 5 sucked so bad, I read that Hercules ended when Xena Season 4 ended, and the Hercules writers were, for some dumbass reason, transferred over to Xena to write Season 5. I think this is one of the worst and most unfortunate mistakes in television history. Why put new writers, who don’t know the characters, on a show currently in full stride? And why pick-up writers who just tanked another show?? That’s not how shit works, and so Xena was done a serious injustice.

I hope to understand more fully what happened in Season 5. It might be that I could narrow-down the episodes that poisoned it to specific writers and directors.

Xena: Season 5 Box Set Detail

Outer and inner box

Outer and inner box backs

Look how hot Ares is when you open this box set. I'm gay and even I was like, "Hello."

Interior and discs

Back completely unfolded

Xena: Season 4, Outtakes

Promise it'll brighten your mood!

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Xena: Season 4 Summary

I said the shit couldn’t go down any further than it did in Season 3, but apparently it has. We are balls-deep in Xena greatness right now. I can handle it. The question is, can you.

Let’s be adults about this and discuss what just happened to us:

Xena gets involved with a budding Amazon tribe

We meet Alti

Xena’s bloody past with the Amazons is revealed

Alti shows Xena the crucifixion vision

Gabrielle comes back from an ashen death

So does Hope

Hope has a baby, an awesome monster

Hope gets killed again, along with her newborn child

Xena’s first line dance (hopefully not the last)

Najara sweeps into our lives

We meet Eli (Jesus)

Gabrielle gets her new haircut

India

The girls experiences their future lives

We meet Amarice

The stupid way of non-violence

Gabrielle violently kills a shitload of men

Caesar dies

Xena and Gabrielle are crucified, die and go to heaven

Season 4 wasn’t playing around, y’all. My ass cheeks are red, my knees are bruised, my mascara is running and there's blood coming out of my ears. If the entire series were a sword, Season 4 is the business end.

I’m seeing now that our team died this season, as previously indicated.

Series Death-count So Far ...

Xena: 3

Gabrielle: 3

QUALITY: The picture quality is noticeably better. You can tell the crew and cinematographers are really stepping-up their game as the series progresses.

RANK: Man, I loved all the seasons, but this was not a hard choice. I can’t even believe Xena: Warrior Princess messed me up this badly. Favorites numbered 14, beating Season 3’s 13, Season 2’s 12 and Season 1’s 7.

Favorite Seasons Rank:

1) Season 4
2) Season 3
3) Season 2
4) Season 1
5)
6)

Going into the technicality of the rankings: Season 3 had nine episodes with an 8-star ranking. NINE. Season 4 only has four of those, but Season 4 has zero bad episodes. Every episode in Season 4 is strong, whereas Seasons 2 and 3 each house one or two poor episodes. In addition to the persistent good episodes, Season 4 shifted gears in tone, as evidenced by how much I cried. It went harder than 3 and I thought 3 was pretty damn hard.

Even now, I am still questioning myself like, “Am I sure ‘Devi’ isn’t a favorite? Would my lowest Season 3 favorite hold up to ‘Devi?’” These are things one must ask herself if she dare review a TV show. It’s a big responsibility. And if "Devi" is just as good or better than my lowest-regarded Season 3 fave, well then somethin’s gotta give, little girl.

SUBTEXT: Damn, Daniel, was there subtext in Season 4. Ho-hooooly shit. A few highlights:

Xena journeys all the way into the afterlife to find Gabrielle

We see Xena might've engaged in yet a second pre-Gabrielle lesbian relationship with Alti's apprentice Anokin

The whole season, Xena is openly all about her love and devotion to Gabrielle

Najara is completely obsessed with Gabrielle, gayly, and perhaps the feeling is mutual

Xena admits her weakness is Gabrielle

Xena and Gabrielle continue to argue like a couple

Lots of Gabrielle and Xena massages

Lots of Gabrielle and Xena bathing together

Lots of vagina jokes

Lots of villains using Xena or Gabrielle as bait for the other

Gabrielle forsakes Jesus and her entire being, when she kills a bunch of dudes to protect Xena

Before their deaths, Xena tells Gabrielle that she was the best thing in her life, and Gabrielle tells Xena she loves her

Modern day Xena and Gabrielle kiss each other

NO DUDES get kisses from our gals this season, and I maintain that Xena and Gabrielle are "together" this season, even more so than the last. There wasn't a single episode to test them. Women were fighting over Gabrielle for Christ's sake, and JUST. LOOK. at "The Ides of March."

As much as I dog Season 5, I am really looking forward to it, because I love all of Xena. There's no frickin way I'd consider not watching a whole season. Mostly, I hope I’m wrong about Season 5, that I remember it wrong, or that I let one bad episode blind me to the rest.

Furthermore, when watching Season 4, Episode 2: "Adventures in the Sin Trade, Pt. 2," I made a note to myself to point out that this is Lucy Lawless's best-acted season. I feel that was a hot take and I might have to change my mind after Season 6. I would say it's Renee O'Connor's too, but hers might be Season 5, since she has to get creative with the poor direction of her character.

Behold! Another fabulous Season Summary:

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Xena: Season 4, Episode 22: "Déjà Vu All over Again"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“The Clip Show about Past Lives, where Xena (Ted Raimi) Kisses Gabrielle”

OK, #1) I can’t believe they put a clip episode right after "The Ides of March" and #2) I can’t believe they put the most definitive piece of subtext to date in a clip episode. Xena and Gabrielle essentially kiss each other in this episode. With tongue. They do. They just do.

A list of all the episodes featured, in order of appearance:

"Callisto"

"Sacrifice II"

"Intimate Stranger"

"In Sickness and in Hell"

"In Sickness and in Hell" again

"A Family Affair"

"The Quest"

"Return of Callisto"

"The Reckoning"

"One Against an Army"

The Episodes in that Beautiful Montage of Xena and Gabrielle:

"Sins of the Past"

"Altared States"

"Destiny"

"The Price"

"Between the Lines"

"The Prodigal"

"A Good Day"

"The Lost Mariner"

"Is There a Doctor in the House?"

"A Day in the Life"

"One Against an Army" again

"Vanishing Act"

"Sins of the Past"

"A Tale of Two Muses"

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Harry: "It says here that the vigilante struck with 'acrobatic athleticism.' Annie, you need a rubdown after a game of croquet." Annie: "Uh, but when my body is taken over by my previous life spirit, Xena, Warrior Princess, I clearly become a very dangerous woman." – Hahahaa, the way she says that last part.

2) Annie: "And you said that dressing the part was silly."

3) Annie: "Doctor, I was there. I saw Hope and Gabrielle fall into the pit. I experienced the whole thing. It broke my heart. I am Xena."

4) Annie: "Oh, Harry." Harry: "What's going on?" Annie: "I went back there. I was Joxer. Oh, please, not Joxer. That ass." Harry: "Mm-hmm.. Doctor? Look at her! She looks devastated!" Annie: "He's the comic relief."

5) Mattie: "Clearly, she didn't expect to find out she's this Joxer person." Harry: "Would you knock off that crap?! You can get her to believe she's anybody you want!" Annie: "They should never have introduced his character in the first place." – Hahaha

6) Mattie: “Uh it was like technicolor, you know? I mean, I felt like I was really there." Marco: "Ah, you're probably watching too many episodes." Mattie: "No, I don't watch that show, bunch of chop-socky crap. Besides, this was so repulsive. It couldn't have been an episode." – Aaahhhahahaha

7) Marco: "Ahh you never know with that show." Mattie: "No, the sights the sound." Marco: "They're sneaky, they'll try anything." Mattie: "That smell." Marco: "One week, they're melodrama the next week, they're the Three Stooges." Mattie: "Marco I'm telling you. For a moment there, I believed it." Marco: "And they're way too serialized."

8) Mattie: "Look, if it's about the money, you can take it. I'm through with this scam!" Marco: "I plan to!" Annie: "It's a scam. I knew I couldn't be Joxer."

9) Mattie: This is a karmic catastrophe. I'm gonna come back as a worm, or a cockroach. No, a TV evangelist."

10) Ares: You can't still be holding a grudge after all these years." Harry: "It's not a grudge. It's the difference between right and wrong good and evil you just never learned that lesson." Ares: "Are we gonna fight again?" Harry: "Bring it on."

11) Annie: "I'll leave you two to get reacquainted. And another thing I went back when Callisto had you two tied up and you know what? Joxer saved your butts. I saw it from his point of view, and you would never have gotten that chakram if he hadn't come in when he did. He had the heart of a lion, and a really, really big one, too." Harry: "You're right, Annie." Annie: "And he was a very underrated fighter.

12) Annie: "Oh, um, Harry, I've been aware for some time that you've been going into my underwear drawer at night and, um it's nice to know it was in a good cause." – What does this mean? Xena’s a pervert? Help me.

I just found and listened to this song the day I watched this episode:

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Xena: Season 4, Episode 21: "The Ides of March"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:
"Xena and Gabrielle Get Crucified"

I remember when I first saw this episode in 2009, it FUCKED. ME. UP. It was as if this episode and the one before it ("Endgame") were the death of the show. [SERIES SPOILER] And in a way, it was for a little bit, because the next season is poop. [END SPOILER]

No big deal about the way Xena says the title of this episode. No fanfare whatsoever. To her, it's just a normal day. Another quirk up this episode’s sleeve: Callisto and Xena don’t know Caesar is about to get killed when Callisto is leaning over Xena taunting her about it just before she's killed. Xena probably hopes, but she doesn't know. Actually, she never told Brutus to kill him, she just told him to watch his own ass.

When Gabrielle kills everyone, it dawns on one that this is what the whole series and especially this season has built up to. When I first saw it, I was stunned and moved at once. It's so intense and devastating, because she's doing it for Xena, almost like an instinct. No way she's about to let the woman she loves die. She'd do anything for her. She essentially died for her and vice versa.

The look on Xena’s face as she watches Gabrielle defend her is so intense. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever watched on Xena. [SERIES SPOILER] Granted, I haven’t seen the last two episodes, but whatever. [END SPOILER]

I would be remiss if I didn't admit how annoyed I am that Callisto totally fucked up everything. She got the girls killed. She and Brutus and Caesar...Not unlike a certain woman in government who was also unfairly sabotaged from every angle recently.

The chakram breaking when it hits X’s spine. That’s amazing. How profound. Let's talk about it. That thing has never shown signs of breaking, no one's ever talked about it breaking. As far as we know and knew, it's unbreakable. How many hard things has it hit? How much shit has the chakram gone through? How old is it?? And it's god-made. It broke in half when it hit Xena. What does that tell you?

I have been watching The Good Place. Callisto’s in hell at the beginning of this. The hell in Xena and the hell in The Good Place (which would be called the bad place), are sort of similar.

There are a lot of fan art moments in this episode, but one of them, one that I once thought was a peaceful picture of Gabrielle with her head tilted, is actually a picture of her in jail looking down at Xena in her lap before they die.

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EXTRA LOVED:

1) Xena taking out the other guard by Caesar's door to his befuddlement
2) That guard in Caesar's office kicking-off Xena’s helmet as soon as she runs in
3) All the times Xena's riding horseback
4) Xena's face hitting the ground after she falls forward from her spine breaking
5) Gabrielle killing all those guards with Xena's sword
6) Gabrielle holding Xena in jail
7) Gabrielle walking in the snow to her death and the pan to Xena being dragged alongside her
8) That Brutus’s stabbing of Caesar is the most brutal of all
9) That Xena and Gabrielle were crucified next to each other away from the others and it just ends like that
10) That the crosses aren’t shaped like crosses

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Tongue Man: "I'm doomed to be obsessed for eternity with a woman who despises me! What a nightmare!" Callisto: "No kidding."

2) Callisto: "You mean to tell me those stupid, maudlin missions she goes on are gonna end her up in paradise?!" Man: "Probably not paradise. Most likely, she'll be born higher up the karmic ladder." Callisto: "Oh. Right she cooks my family, destroys my life and I end up in Hell while she gets another shot. That's fair."

3) Amarice: "It's an opportunity to kill a lot of Romans. I say we do it." X: "We're not doing anything. I'm going to Rome, not you. Gabrielle, I can't take you not after that vision." – Love how she comes back to the vision, and it makes sense, so Gabrielle can't say no. She's got this all figured out.

4) X: "I had a vision once that Gabrielle and I would die at the hands of Romans. It's bad enough that we can run into Romans anywhere, but if you and I were to go to Rome " G: "OK well, what if I ask you not to do this?" X: "Gabrielle, he's an evil man, and he's trying to kill me. I have to take him out or die trying. It's the way of the warrior." Amarice: "Was I in this vision?" X: "No." Amarice: "Then I should go with you." X: "Amarice, you're staying here with Gabrielle." Amarice: "As her bodyguard?" X: "As her friend. You could learn something if you listened to her once in a while. You promise you won't follow me?" G: "I promise. Xena be careful." – So annoying Xena having to explain the way of the warrior to Gabrielle. Just tell her you're going to fucking kill Caesar, because otherwise he'll kill you.

5) Amarice: "Oh, come on. The only real power's at the end of a sword. Did you hear that?" G: "What?" Amarice: "Boots." [An ambush] Eli: "And if the other side has more swords?" Amarice: "If you can love your way out of this one, be my guest." – SMART, Amarice, YES.

6) Guard: "Who the-?" X: "At ease." – Hahahaaha

7) Callisto: "You know about the emperor thing." X: "The laurel wreath kind 'a gave it away. I'm guessing that he'll anounce it when the senate reconvenes on the ides of March." – Fucking love the way Xena says Ides of March, its like butter.

8) Brutus: "No! Don't harm Gabrielle!" G: "Of course not! I'm still useful to you, Brutus!" Brutus: "Get up!" G: "Not until you pardon her for what she just did." Brutus: "She attacked one of my men." G: "And I remember a time when mercy was shown to you!" – Her "useful" comment is sarcastic. And the latter, such a good point.

9) G: "You don't really think those crosses are for a boatload of pirates, do you?" Brutus: "Caesar's never lied to me." G: "There's a first time for everything." – I can’t believe how many times she has to tell him that Caesar is bad before he believes it. I thought he believed it last episode after the peace treaty incident. What a dick. Brutus killed Xena and Gabrielle.

10) X: "Brutus. I have a deal for you. You tell me where my friend, Gabrielle, is, and I will give you some information that will save your stinkin' life. Deal?" – I take great pleasure in the "stinkin' life" line. You can tell she would love to just kill him.

11) G: "I did it." Amarice: "Did what? You two are sitting there like a couple of bumps on a log. What could you have done?" Eli: "She did nothing." G: "That's right, I did nothing." Amarice: "We're gonna be nailed to crosses tomorrow morning, and you two are bragging about doing nothing?!" Eli: "You don't understand, Amarice. In order to become a perfect vessel for love, one has to cease all activity not only physical, but mental as well. It's only when you've reached that state of emptiness that you're ready, at last, to be filled with love." Amarice: "Just in time, too you'll be able to love the people who crucify us." – I’m with Amarice on this one. So frustrating... I keep reminding myself that this dialogue is necessary to make Gabrielle's killing session all the more impactful.

12) Callisto: "I just keep coming back. In that way, I'm more dependable than your chakram.” – I would laugh if I didn’t know what was coming.

13) X: "You're trying to tempt me from my way by offering me peace." Callisto: "In a nutshell." – Hahaha. Only Callisto could be funny in a drama.

14) Brutus: "Caesar they were building crosses when I was there." Cae: "Of course you can't have a crucifixion without crosses, Brutus." – This is like the third time this line has been used in Xena. Caesar said it once before, then Xena, now Caesar again.

15) X: "I made you leave the way of love. It was my fault." – Dude, FUCK THAT SHIT.

16) X: "I'm sorry for all the times I didn't treat you right." G: "Xena you've brought out the best in me. Before I met you no one saw me for who I was. I felt invisible. But you saw all the things that I could be. You saved me, Xena." – I am surprised I can keep my shit together enough to make a coherent review after this episode. It was hard.

POLITICAL CORNER:

1) Brutus: "But you told me she would be safe. You were only going to use her as a distraction." Cae: "Well, what would distract Xena more than her best friend's execution hmm? Tomorrow on the ides of March the very day I need Xena most distracted." – This is trump. He bombs someone when he needs everyone to stop watching the news about all the ways he’s about to be removed from office. God, I can’t wait for that day... I swear to god, when it comes, I will watch Xena again from front to back, regardless of where I am in this review process.

Caesar's murderous sex with Xena dream feels like a nod to Basic Instinct (1992). Ever seen that gem? I highly recommend it. Here's a taste:

A song I listened to this day. It could've been more depressing, so, no need to thank me.

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Saturday, April 14, 2018

Xena: Season 4, Episode 20: "Endgame"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"Amazon One: The Ides of March Prequel"

Watching this made me want to watch every single episode from here until the end of season 6 all the way through. So much heat. Please proceed.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Chilapa: "No we have the information. Now, let Amazon justice be done. Let him die, Xena." X: "Get out of my way, Chilapa." Chilapa: "He killed the queen. Amazon law says-" G: "Amazon law says that Brutus' punishment is my decision! Take him and hold him."

2) X: "Round up all the men that are still alive. I want you to take 'em back to the village. That's where Pompey'll be headed next." Ama: "Lucky for them we've got just the queen for the situation. Sorry." Amazon's Voice: "Chicken!" Ama: "But I did good I really fooled them." X: "Yes, ya did. Now, get moving. You've got your orders. I'm gonna ride ahead." – I love the way Xena talks to Amarice. It’s really sweet. All the Amazons love Xena.

3) Pompey: "Wait! If you kill me Caesar gains control. You know it and I know it. That's the balance I give you, Xena. It's always been like that. And you may hate us both but without one you can't control the other. Now, if you let me live well we can't destroy the world if we're trying to destroy each other now, can we? Hmm? Ah-h-h-h!" X: "It's not about balance, anymore." – This is so good and heavy. She makes the decision by killing him to hand over control to Caesar.

4) Caesar: "Pompey's changed his hairstyle. Too bad." – What a dick!

POLITICAL CORNER:

1) Brutus: "Xena interfered in Caesar's war with Pompey. He would have been out of the picture long ago if it wasn't for her." G: "Xena was trying to stop a war." Brutus: "And why do you think there was a war?! Because of Pompey! He opposes everything Caesar wishes for Rome peace, prosperity a return to the republic." G: "We really know different Caesars." Brutus: "Caesar doesn't care about the Amazons. What happened was an accident. We can make sure it doesn't happen again." – This shit eerily sounds like Putin, like trump.

2) Brutus: "Xena your vision of Caesar is blinded by hatred. He is the only hope to restore the democracy of the republic." – OH MY GOD.

This scene from Conan the Barbarian (1982) is so sad, but it could be argued that is was the inspiration for Xena's Pompey-beheading. Both beheadings are not shown on camera.

The Amazon dance team choreographer might also have taken some notes from this… SERIOUSLY AMAZING dance scene from Coming to America choreographed by Paula Abdul:

There is a new Xena comic on the loose! I picked up the first two issues but have not yet read them.

In conclusion, here's a song I listened to the day I watched this glorious piece of ass. Don't read too much into it.

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Sunday, April 8, 2018

Xena: Season 4, Episode 19: "Takes One to Know One"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“The Clue Episode”

This is the greatest hits of Xena guest-characters! And so cute when they bring out Gabrielle's cake at the end. Love the tits outta this.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Joxer: "Yeah. You know, Autolycus is right. She's dead but she could 'a had a heart condition." Autolycus: "Yeah maybe it grew that knife." – Well this is brilliant.

2) Discord: "Thanks for the help, tall, dark, and mortal. I should have known Xena wouldn't have the guts to turn in her own mom." – Is she talking to Autolycus or Xena?

3) X: "Well, think about it. Ravenica's maps were all squished up on the bottom with her fruit whereas heavier less necessary items were on top." Cyrene, joking: "Maybe she liked her pears bruised." G: "She's your mother." – Until I read this line in the script, I thought she was speaking French and had no idea what the fuck she was saying. Pears bruised. And was that a sex joke? Is Cyrene making a joke about tits? Because I can’t handle it if she is.

4) Autolycus: "Well, much as this scares me to say this, I think she's right this time, Xena." X: "Oh, you do?" – The way Xena says this made me LOL.

5) Autolycus: "Locked as well from the inside." G: "And who discovered that? Someone with motive enough for murder? Someone who's trying to confuse us? Someone who's looking to beat this rap the best he can no matter what the cost." X: "I did it." – Hahahaaha!

6) G: “I put Joxerer's gravy recipe in her water bag." Minya: "Ew-w-w-w!" Joxer: "Mm-m-m-m-m." X: "That's inhuman!" G: "It was only enough to give her the trots for a couple of days, not enough to kill her.” – Hahaha the trots. Oh my god, this episode.

7) Ravenica: "I'm warning you, Jett, get in my way, this won't be the only thing I rip in two.. (starts to leave and sniffs) Lavender? You are getting soft." – This is so good.

8) Discord: "Well it's about time. OK, tall, dark, and deadly let's go." – She is talking to Autolycus? So wait…before?

9) Minya: "You think this storm is rough, huh? You should 'a seen the one that struck my village about four years ago." Lila: "Bad?" Minya: "With a capital beta.” – Hahahaa! (In "The Play’s the Thing," they also made a joke about the letter D, as in "delta.")

10) Discord: "Oh, puh-lease. Whaddya think, I'm some kind 'a moron?! Ugh!" – Then she gets bonked in head with chandelier. I laughed harder at this than reasonable.

11) Discordcord: “I don't do animals!" Minya: "That's not what I heard." – Sweet burn.

12) X: "Mom I'm really, really sorry that I suspected you." Cyrene: "I'm not 'cause it's true, I would kill to protect you, Xena. Any mother who loves her child would. Mm. I'm just glad I don't have to."

I think I know where Cyrene got her chandeliers.

I FEEL like I do nothing but bring up Clue in these reviews, and I'm sure I've posted a similar video, but here is the trailer for Clue (1985), the greatest movie ever made:

Ok, now, is this Discord or Elvira: Mistress of the Dark?

I listened to this song the day I watched this episode, and that's really the only excuse I have for posting it. I'm sorry and/or you're welcome. Don't @ me.

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Xena: Season 4, Episode 18: "The Convert"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"The Crusader, Pt. 2"

Just an understated, great episode. I always love Najara's appearances. And seriously begs the question: who’s the convert? Or at least I'm begging it. It might be obvious to you. Shut up.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: "Hmm. Joxer's still pretty cut up about Kryton. Think you can talk to him?" G: "I don't know what to say. I keep remembering the first time that I killed. I know it's strange, but it still hurts." X: "Stranger if it didn't." G: "I'll try. Xena you'll never guess who's been teaching Najara the path of nonviolence Eli. It's amazing. He is living proof that peace really works. Are you asleep?"

2) X: "New outfit, new religion, same old wacko underneath."

3) Joxer: "Look, give me one good reason to tell him why his father was a murderer and would've killed ya if I hadn't 'a stopped him." X: "Because it's the truth." – I love Xena.

4) G: "Najara, I think what you're doing is wonderful giving up fighting, working through peace and starting a hospice would be good for you, but it's not for me. My place is with Xena." Naj: "I know and it always will be until her continuing violence finally makes her do something even you can't excuse." G: "That's not going to happen." Naj: "It has to. And then you will have to choose not between me and Xena but between Xena and your own soul." – Got damn, Najara!

5) G: "I've been thinking. I know there's no excuse for what Najara did." X: "Sure, there is. She's a nut." G: "That was before she met Eli. He showed her the truth. Now, all she wants to do is heal people help them you know? Give them hope." X: "Are you saying that we shouldn't take Najara back to prison?" G: "I just don't see the point if she's already reformed. Isn't it better to have peaceful people around who do good rather than people who fight?" X: "Like me." G: "No, I'm not saying that. Xena, you're trying to find your true way your path. Well, so is Najara." X: "Najara doesn't have a path. She follows whatever path her voices tell her to. You don't believe me? Test her. Say no to her. She'll blow up in your face." G: "You have hardly spoken to her!-" X: "-Say no! I don't have to! I'm sure that she says all the right things. I'm sure she even believes them, but she's a fanatic, Gabrielle. Don't trust her." – Dude, this whole conversation is awesome. Xena is so scary here. Scary isn’t the right word, but she never talks like this, and it’s like if you don’t listen to her, you’re doing to die and/or lose your relationship.

6) Joxer with dinner in his hands: "I hate this." G: "I've cooked better." X: "You said it." Joxer: "Not the food, this thing with Armon." – Hahhahaha! Oh my god. I fucking love aaaall the bad cooking jokes. And this one was so unexpected.

7) Joxer: "It's a lie, you know. My whole life. I'm not a warrior. What kind of warrior kills somebody then has nightmares about it every night?" X: "You're not alone in feeling guilty, Joxer. It's only natural." Joxer: "That's it, though. That's my point. It's not natural. I killed somebody, so you know what that makes me?" – Care to answer that? Because I don't know.

8) X: "Give it up, Armon." – Love the sexy way Xena says this.

ALL THE GAY QUOTES FROM THIS EPISODE:

1) G: "And what have you been doing?" Najara: "Planting crops, helping harvest, mending clothes working towards the day the Jinn said would come: the day you and I would meet again, united in a common bond not even Xena shares." G: "The Jinn said that?" Najara: "We walk the same path, Gabrielle. Our lives are dedicated to defeating evil by promoting peace. It's our way, the way Eli taught us, a reverence for life. Stray from that path - whatever the reason - the consequences could be devastating for everyone." – Najara doing a real headjob on Gabrielle. It's awesome. Love this episode. And this is Najara saying that she and Gabrielle are soulmates.

2) Najara to Gabrielle: "Xena's just being true to her way, but if she thinks I'm going anywhere, now that I've found you and our path, she's crazy." – Now that I've FOUND you? Fuuuuck.

3) Najara to Xena: "You claim to have changed. Why can't I? After all, we both had the same inspiration: Gabrielle. But unlike you, I've changed my whole life for her. You've just changed sides." X: "You hurt Gabrielle, and I will change you in ways that are anything but peaceful." – Brazen as fuck move on Gabrielle right to Gabrielle's girlfriend's face.

4) Joxer: "Why, Najara? Why did you tell him?" Najara: "Because Gabrielle's right and everyone deserves to know the truth about someone they love." – This is a dig at Xena. Najara is just gunning hard for Gabrielle, pulling out all the stops. And how awkward this must be for Xena and Gabrielle, if we're assuming they haven't professed their love for each other yet, in that troubling "soul AND BODY" way.

5) G: "We can't leave Armon." X: "He left us thanks to your little friend." – Ha-ho! Xena is jealous of Najara.

6) X: "I know her. She's the same zealot she always was only now she's even more dangerous." G: "How is that?" X: "'Cause she's won you over." – Translation: "Because you've fallen for her and will do anything she says."

7) X: "You've changed in ways that have shown me choices I'd never have known without you." G: "Thanks. It's funny, it seems that when push comes to shove, sometimes the only choice is to shove back. But with this path that I'm on, I can't do that." X: "With me around, you won't have to.” – I'm your night in shining armor, and you're my damsel.

This episode was so original, it didn't remind me of anything obvious. So instead, let's cut to a great song I was listening to the day I watched it, which was Nite Jewel's "The Answer":

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