Xena: Season 4, Episode 21: "The Ides of March"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 
"Xena and Gabrielle Get Crucified"

I remember when I first saw this episode in 2009, it FUCKED. ME. UP. It was as if this episode and the one before it ("Endgame") were the death of the show. [SERIES SPOILER] And in a way, it was for a little bit, because the next season is poop. [END SPOILER]

No big deal about the way Xena says the title of this episode. No fanfare whatsoever. To her, it's just a normal day. Another quirk up this episode’s sleeve: Callisto and Xena don’t know Caesar is about to get killed when Callisto is leaning over Xena taunting her about it just before she's killed. Xena probably hopes, but she doesn't know. Actually, she never told Brutus to kill him, she just told him to watch his own ass.

When Gabrielle kills everyone, it dawns on one that this is what the whole series and especially this season has built up to. When I first saw it, I was stunned and moved at once. It's so intense and devastating, because she's doing it for Xena, almost like an instinct. No way she's about to let the woman she loves die. She'd do anything for her. She essentially died for her and vice versa.

The look on Xena’s face as she watches Gabrielle defend her is so intense. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever watched on Xena. [SERIES SPOILER] Granted, I haven’t seen the last two episodes, but whatever. [END SPOILER]

I would be remiss if I didn't admit how annoyed I am that Callisto totally fucked up everything. She got the girls killed. She and Brutus and Caesar...Not unlike a certain woman in government who was also unfairly sabotaged from every angle recently. 

The chakram breaking when it hits X’s spine. That’s amazing. How profound. Let's talk about it. That thing has never shown signs of breaking, no one's ever talked about it breaking. As far as we know and knew, it's unbreakable. How many hard things has it hit? How much shit has the chakram gone through? How old is it?? And it's god-made. It broke in half when it hit Xena. What does that tell you?

I have been watching The Good Place. Callisto’s in hell at the beginning of this. The hell in Xena and the hell in The Good Place (which would be called the bad place), are sort of similar.

There are a lot of fan art moments in this episode, but one of them, one that I once thought was a peaceful picture of Gabrielle with her head tilted, is actually a picture of her in jail looking down at Xena in her lap before they die.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA LOVED:

1) Xena taking out the other guard by Caesar's door to his befuddlement

2) That guard in Caesar's office kicking-off Xena’s helmet as soon as she runs in
3) All the times Xena's riding horseback
4) Xena's face hitting the ground after she falls forward from her spine breaking
5) Gabrielle killing all those guards with Xena's sword
6) Gabrielle holding Xena in jail
7) Gabrielle walking in the snow to her death and the pan to Xena being dragged alongside her
8) That Brutus’s stabbing of Caesar is the most brutal of all
9) That Xena and Gabrielle were crucified next to each other away from the others and it just ends like that
10) That the crosses aren’t shaped like crosses

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Tongue Man: "I'm doomed to be obsessed for eternity with a woman who despises me! What a nightmare!" Callisto: "No kidding."

2) Callisto: "You mean to tell me those stupid, maudlin missions she goes on are gonna end her up in paradise?!" Man: "Probably not paradise. Most likely, she'll be born higher up the karmic ladder." Callisto: "Oh. Right she cooks my family, destroys my life and I end up in Hell while she gets another shot. That's fair."

3) Amarice: "It's an opportunity to kill a lot of Romans. I say we do it." X: "We're not doing anything. I'm going to Rome, not you. Gabrielle, I can't take you not after that vision." – Love how she comes back to the vision, and it makes sense, so Gabrielle can't say no. She's got this all figured out.

4) X: "I had a vision once that Gabrielle and I would die at the hands of Romans. It's bad enough that we can run into Romans anywhere, but if you and I were to go to Rome " G: "OK well, what if I ask you not to do this?" X: "Gabrielle, he's an evil man, and he's trying to kill me. I have to take him out or die trying. It's the way of the warrior." Amarice: "Was I in this vision?" X: "No." Amarice: "Then I should go with you." X: "Amarice, you're staying here with Gabrielle." Amarice: "As her bodyguard?" X: "As her friend. You could learn something if you listened to her once in a while. You promise you won't follow me?" G: "I promise. Xena be careful." – So annoying Xena having to explain the way of the warrior to Gabrielle. Just tell her you're going to fucking kill Caesar, because otherwise he'll kill you.

5) Amarice: "Oh, come on. The only real power's at the end of a sword. Did you hear that?" G: "What?" Amarice: "Boots." [An ambush] Eli: "And if the other side has more swords?" Amarice: "If you can love your way out of this one, be my guest." – SMART, Amarice, YES.

6) Guard: "Who the-?" X: "At ease." – Hahahaaha

7) Callisto: "You know about the emperor thing." X: "The laurel wreath kind 'a gave it away. I'm guessing that he'll anounce it when the senate reconvenes on the ides of March." – Fucking love the way Xena says Ides of March, its like butter.

8) Brutus: "No! Don't harm Gabrielle!" G: "Of course not! I'm still useful to you, Brutus!" Brutus: "Get up!" G: "Not until you pardon her for what she just did." Brutus: "She attacked one of my men." G: "And I remember a time when mercy was shown to you!" – Her "useful" comment is sarcastic. And the latter, such a good point.

9) G: "You don't really think those crosses are for a boatload of pirates, do you?" Brutus: "Caesar's never lied to me." G: "There's a first time for everything." – I can’t believe how many times she has to tell him that Caesar is bad before he believes it. I thought he believed it last episode after the peace treaty incident. What a dick. Brutus killed Xena and Gabrielle.

10) X: "Brutus. I have a deal for you. You tell me where my friend, Gabrielle, is, and I will give you some information that will save your stinkin' life. Deal?" – I take great pleasure in the "stinkin' life" line. You can tell she would love to just kill him.

11) G: "I did it." Amarice: "Did what? You two are sitting there like a couple of bumps on a log. What could you have done?" Eli: "She did nothing." G: "That's right, I did nothing." Amarice: "We're gonna be nailed to crosses tomorrow morning, and you two are bragging about doing nothing?!" Eli: "You don't understand, Amarice. In order to become a perfect vessel for love, one has to cease all activity not only physical, but mental as well. It's only when you've reached that state of emptiness that you're ready, at last, to be filled with love." Amarice: "Just in time, too you'll be able to love the people who crucify us." – I’m with Amarice on this one. So frustrating... I keep reminding myself that this dialogue is necessary to make Gabrielle's killing session all the more impactful.

12) Callisto: "I just keep coming back. In that way, I'm more dependable than your chakram.” – I would laugh if I didn’t know what was coming.

13) X: "You're trying to tempt me from my way by offering me peace." Callisto: "In a nutshell." – Hahaha. Only Callisto could be funny in a drama.

14) Brutus: "Caesar they were building crosses when I was there." Cae: "Of course you can't have a crucifixion without crosses, Brutus." – This is like the third time this line has been used in Xena. Caesar said it once before, then Xena, now Caesar again.

15) X: "I made you leave the way of love. It was my fault." – Dude, FUCK THAT SHIT.

16) X: "I'm sorry for all the times I didn't treat you right." G: "Xena you've brought out the best in me. Before I met you no one saw me for who I was. I felt invisible. But you saw all the things that I could be. You saved me, Xena." – I am surprised I can keep my shit together enough to make a coherent review after this episode. It was hard. 

POLITICAL CORNER:

1) Brutus: "But you told me she would be safe. You were only going to use her as a distraction." Cae: "Well, what would distract Xena more than her best friend's execution hmm? Tomorrow on the ides of March the very day I need Xena most distracted." – This is trump. He bombs someone when he needs everyone to stop watching the news about all the ways he’s about to be removed from office. God, I can’t wait for that day... I swear to god, when it comes, I will watch Xena again from front to back, regardless of where I am in this review process.

Caesar's murderous sex with Xena dream feels like a nod to Basic Instinct (1992). Ever seen that gem? I highly recommend it. Here's a taste:

A song I listened to this day. It could've been more depressing, so, no need to thank me. 

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