Xena: Season 5, Episode 14: "Amphipolis Under Siege"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“Funky Cold Athena”

Well, shit, this was a great episode too! I think knowing what Season 6 has in store has made me trust watching Season 5 more.

My biggest character standout (aside from the regs) from all the seasons during my 2009 viewing was Athena. She is slight, but oh my god, she’s such a good actor. That face. And there's a moment where she full-on smiles that I'm obsessed with.

A first for Xena: Athena is in love with her favored, and Ares calls her out on it. The last time I saw anything remotely this lesbian on Xena (besides our two gals) was when Najara went after Gabrielle. Athena and Ilainus' relationship is blatant, and I'm here for it.

I really loved Xena and Ilainus’ fight. It was pretty beautiful. It wasn't lost on me that Xena appreciated Ilainus’ skill and even sort of felt bad about stabbing her. It was nice.

Number of times someone summons Ares: 2
Number of times someone says “Get outta my way!”: 2

I am considering upping my rating to an 8. Would give it 7.5, if I could. I feel like all of my love for it mostly stems from Athena.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Athena: "Don't tell me one of those toll collectors laid a weapon on you." Ilainus: "Xena was there." Athena: "You have my favor, Ilainus, always. But take care, it doesn't make you any less mortal." Ilainus: "I saw the child. I could have killed her for you." Athena: "You're a fine warrior, Ilainus. But the most dangerous animal on Earth is a mother protecting her young. In the name of Zeus I will kill the child myself." – I love the part about the most dangerous animal on earth, because it’s true.

2) Ares: "Who was it who said, 'An army is a terrible thing to waste.'?" I think it was me.” – heh heh

3) Ilainus: "Athena doesn't need your help." Ares: "Nor any man's, it would seem." – A nod to Athena being gay af.

4) Athena: "I considered that, but Gabrielle is leading the attack. Xena would never risk her second-in-command on a suicidal feint." – Love this line.

5) X: "I know who you are. You're Athena's new champion, Ilainus of Mycenae. You heal quickly. Or was that divine intervention?” – For a second, this is a respectful exchange. I like that.

6) X: Why are you doing this, Athena? Ares, I could understand. He's always out for himself. And Zeus was just clinging to power, but you, of all the Olympians, you were the only one who ever seemed to deserve my respect."

7) Cyrene: "Please, facing down a god I can handle. Well, I raised you, remember? Terrible twos, terrible threes, terrible fourteens." X: "Sorry I made it so tough for you." Cyrene: "Oh now look, just listen for once. You know, in the end it's worth all the heartache in the world just to see your child grow up strong, proud. I'd like you to know what that's like, Xena." X: "I will, Mom. I will." – [SERIES SPOILER] Narrator: She doesn’t. [END SPOILER] I also love any talk about what Xena was like as a kid.

8) Ares: "Ow. Athena is beatin' you like a dog out there. Put a poultice on it. It's gotta sting." X: "Thanks." Ares: "Hey, don't feel bad. After all, you're fighting the goddess of wisdom and warfare." X: "Don't forget weaving." - Aaahhahaahaha

9) X: "You help me defeat Athena and I'm yours." Ares: "You're mine." X: "For years, you've been wanting me to be your Warrior Queen. Well I'm offering you my sword and the body that wields it." – If this isn’t the sexiest line…

10) G: "Do you want to give Eve to Athena?! Does anybody else feel that way?! We give up the baby and go back to our fields in peace, until the next god comes along and they want your child, or yours. We're not fighting for Xena. We're fighting for ourselves, for our right to be treated like human beings. Not game pieces. If any one of you is willing to give up their own child, then speak up! Because I will not have you fighting next to me! Back to your posts.” – This is awesome. Almost tear-inducing. Like I almost cried.

11) G: “Ares! Ares, I need to talk to you." Ares: "Well, aren't I Mr. Popular?" – Haha

12) G: "If you accept, you will destroy Xena. You will turn her into exactly what she used to be, a vicious killer." Ares: "Yeah, well I kinda liked that Xena." G: "Did you? Then why are you so obsessed with who she is now? Tell me you don't feel anything for the real Xena, the good Xena. Ares, if you make her do this, she will never love you." Ares: "Do you think she'd really give herself to me to save Eve?" G: "Has she ever said anything she doesn't mean?" Ares: "Thank you." G [Whispers]: "Don't do it." – Before we find out what Gabrielle is really doing, this exchange is incredible. It’s still incredible...If it's supposed to read that she actually really means this, even though she knows it's a trick, mission: complete.

13) Ares: "So Sis how goes the siege?" Athena: "I'm about to start catapulting dead cows into the village." Ares: "And a classic it is." – If Athena wasn’t so mind-staggering, I would’ve laughed at this.

14) Ares: "Have you considered that maybe this prophecy is fulfilling itself?! Think about it. What can Xena's baby do to us? Really? Yet the more we fight amongst ourselves about the future of this one tiny child, the more vulnerable we become." Athena: "Because of this one tiny child, Zeus is already dead!" Ares: "If he'd let well enough alone, Hercules wouldn't have killed him." Athena: "And what if you're wrong, Ares? Is it worth the risk for one child? Or for one woman? There will be no compromise." – Ares is the first to catch on to what’s really happening with the prophecy...Go with me onthis for a sec. If years ago, The Fates or god were to tell our country (USA), that in the future, Russia would defeat the United States, we would not have foreseen that it was our own people who allowed that to happen.

15) Cyrene: "I suppose it could be worse. I mean, after all, he is a god. Although, I would have preferred Apollo or or maybe Hermes." Ares: "Excuse me, Hermes? With the wings on the feet? Oh, please." – Hahhahaa

16) Ares: "Now Gabrielle is attacking. She's providing us with the perfect cover." X: "What are you saying?" Ares: "Leave her now, while Athena's distracted, and I'll take you and your daughter someplace else." – This should probs go under Subtext, or even Maintext. This is really gay. "Leave her. Leave your wife for me."

17) X: "Get outta my way, Gabrielle. I'm going to save these people, and you." – If I didn’t know this was a trick, this was Xena about to sacrifice her child for Gabrielle.

18) X: "Don't make it worse with your platitudes. Do it while she's asleep. Do it." Athena: "You might want to look away." X: "If my daughter's to be sacrificed to save these people, the least I can do honor her is to remember every detail." – This is a sweet, intense line. Fuck. But also…I mean, it was pretty obvious that wasn’t Eve, right? And if it was, what child would sleep through a frickin war?

19) Ares: "You know what they say? Blood is thicker than water but blood runs hardest when love is involved." Athena: "You're really whipped, aren't you?" – This is hilarious. I love it when people tell other people they're whipped. Athena’s lines are awesome, all of them.

20) Athena: "What's the matter, Bro? Worried about your girlfriend?" Ares: "Me? No. Worried about yours?" – This is amazing.

21) Ares: "I saved your child." X: "You saved my dolly." – Ha! Is this Xena’s childhood doll?

22) X: "I felt nothing." Ares: "This isn't finished. As long as your child lives, they'll keep coming and then you're gonna have to come to me for help." [He vanishes] X: "I felt something." – I see the reason for doing this, but also, fuck you, writers.

23) G: "Xena." X: "Hmm?" G: "Did you say that you felt something?" X: "No." G: "No, I think I heard you. You said you felt something." X: "Gabrielle, I said no such thing." G: "Oh, really?" X: "Maybe a little something." G: "What?" – I would’ve loved to hear the rest of this conversation. I have to keep reminding myself that Ares & Xena is more about Xena’s relationship with war and death and evil than it is about an actual person. Her favorite thing in the world is fighting and killing people, which is what Ares is.

I listened to this song this day. It reminds me of Athena and how even her godly powers couldn't save her hot lover. Crayon Fields - "Slow Magic."

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 13: "Eternal Bonds"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:
“Joxer Almost Dies”

What a nice, quiet, sexy episode, especially for Ares. A lot of subtext here, lot of pain for Joxer. Just when I thought these episodes couldn’t get any deeper, this one (and the next) are just all up in there. Man, Xena is getting dark. I forgot how intense the twilight of the gods was.

Can I just say, that Gabrielle is all the way “with” Xena right now? She’s not turning back on that in any capacity these days, though the same can not be said for Xena, which is annoyingly, carelessly contradictory to her character in the past.

I need to go back and examine previous episodes to determine at which point Gabrielle became absolutely committed to Xena. Was it this season? The previous? 

Since these episodes are all about killing Eve and there's now a fucking amazing show on BBC America called Killing Eve, I need to ask if anyone (LESBIANS) are watching it. If not, you should be...That's all I'll say.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA SUBTEXT

1) Gabrielle, I'm starting to sense, is completely devoted to Xena. It's odd the writers are doing this to her, while Xena can't seem to control herself. Because of course, women lose their minds when they're gay and suddenly have a baby.

2) G: "Take care of your mom." X: "Of course, she will." – Feels like G saying to X, “I want to take care of you, be careful.” This is something a soldier would say to her kid about her wife before she goes off to war. This actually belongs in subtext but it doesn’t fit.

3) Joxer: "Us. How come there was never an 'us,' Gabrielle?" G: "Why do people love the people that they do? I don't know." Joxer: "I know why. Because you made me feel special." G: "You are special." – When he says, “I know why,” Gabrielle has a look on her face like he’s about to say, “because you’re in love with Xena.” Then she looks relieved when she realizes he didn’t get it and is out of it.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "You just don't realize that your actions have consequences, like, like this wound, for instance." Joxer: "I got it tryin' to help you, you know?" G: "No, I didn't need your help. If you had just stopped to think about that, you would have seen. No, you just go charging in there." Joxer: "Well, fine. Maybe I won't charge in next time." G: "That's my point. I don't want you to." – I love that they keep coming back to this with more intensity.

2) G: "Xena, let's just say that he's not poisoned. Then I would be leaving you and Eve alone for nothing." X: "Are you willing to gamble Joxer's life on that?!" – Gabrielle didn’t answer. Oh my god, the answer was “YES,” this is so intense.

3) X [X's hums, a branch cracks somewhere behind her]: "You know, it never fails. Every time you sit down to eat...Don't worry. I'll keep it warm for you." – Hahahaha!

4) X: [After kicking everyone’s asses, she says to Eve] "And that's how we do it.” – This is such a cute line.

5) Ares: "Thanks to that kid of yours, I am dying. So, why would I lie?" X: "Because you're Ares. You always lie." – Love the way she says this line. She's just so over it.

6) X: "You forget, I fight against scum like you." Ares: "Then, so will I. A fight is a fight, no matter which side you're on." – This line might be Ares’ best, truest dialogue.

7) X: "Get the hell away from my baby." Ares: "I swear. I won't harm her." X: "That's right. You're not gonna harm her." Ares: "How did we ever let things get this way between us?" X: "Well, could it have been when you used the furies to drive me insane? Or, when you turned yourself into my father, just to torment me? Or, was it coming-" Ares: "Yeah-" X: "-on to my best friend?" Ares: "Enough said.” – OMG, I love this. Also, “Or was it coming-on to my girlfriend?” Because…who the fuck cares if someone comes on to your best friend? Unless they’re talking about Xena being in love with Ares and hurt that he hit on Gabrielle, but that’s not what’s happening here.

8) G: "Well, that's because-" Joxer: "-we were attacked. We were attacked by a fierce warrior woman, with a, baby." Tira: "Xena?" Joxer: "Right, Xena, you know." Tira: "Where was this?" Joxer: "Um, well, if you really wanna catch here, you should head west." G [Interrupts]: "-east. -West." Joxer [Interrupts]: "-East, I mean. -She was tall." G [Interrupts]: "-She's everywhere." - This is such a classic bit, I love it so. Hahhahaa

9) Joxer: "You're so beautiful, Gabrielle. Did I ever tell you that." G: "You're very ill, Joxer." Joxer: "Hey, I kind of miss your long hair, you know? You used to wear it up, like a princess, or braided like a warrior? And sometimes you'd have it down, and, you'd look like an angel." – I too miss her long hair, but surprisingly love her short hair.

10) X: [To Eve] "And that's how you lay a false trail." – Hahahah

11) Ares: "Every god on Mount Olympus is targeting you. Even now, three temple armies are closing in. Now, all I'm asking, is your word we will be together, and have a child, and I'll make all this go away. I swear." X: "You're asking me to give up the future. Well, I won't do that, even if it means sacrificing my life." Ares: "Even if it means, Joxer's life, or Gabrielle's, or Eve's?" – There it is.

12) Joxer: "Now, who's not thinking? Xena's probably already at the tree, waiting for us." G: "Well, then, she's on her way to find us." Joxer: "Look, we're so far off the trail, she's not gonna know where to look. Gabrielle, why don't you be smart, and think about the people you love?" G: "I am."

13) X: "See, what we gotta do is keep our eyes peeled for a sign. Gabrielle's smart. She'll try to get our attention if she can. Trouble is, the guards would smell a signal fire. Hey. Hey. Guards have ears, too, you know? Otherwise, Gabrielle would be raising a ruckus, so unless you see something that I don't, well... [Follows Eve's line of vision] Why didn't you say something? Told you Gabrielle was smart." – Love that she’s saying all this amazing shit to just the baby, in a baby voice.

14) Joxer: "Us. How come there was never an 'us,' Gabrielle?" G: "Why, why do people love the people that they do? I don't, I don't know." – Wow. She’s obviously saying that they weren’t an “us,” because she loves Xena. Then Joxer doesn’t pick up her meaning and says:

15) Joxer: "I know why. Because you made me feel special." G: "You are special." – When he says, “I know why,” Gabrielle has a look on her face like he’s about to say, “because you’re in love with Xena.” Then she looks relieved when she realizes he didn’t get it and is kind of out of it.

16) G: "Joxer, when you were ill, I said, um-" Joxer: "I know what you said. You said that, you love me, but only as a friend, right?" G: "I do mean that, I-" Joxer: "I know you do. I know you do. But, Gabrielle, I will always love you more than that. And, that's just something I'll have to live with. You know? But that's all right." – Ugh, GOD. That’s heartbreaking and has happened to us all. FUCK.

17) X: "We live our lives the way we do, because someone has to help those who can't help themselves, but is it wrong to expose a child to that kind of violence? That blood?" G: "I think so, but Xena, sometimes it's our only resort, until we find a more effective way of doing it all." X: "Perhaps the greater wrong is never to fight at all, huh? You know what? I think, it doesn't matter where we take a stand, as long as we make one." – This is loaded and nicely done.

Everyone wants to kill Eve. Speaking of which, here's just one awesome song from the TV show Killing Eve. I highly recommend it. Keeping in mind that someone might watch it for the first time from reading this, I'm posting the most non-spoiler-y of my favorite songs...It still feels like a betrayal, and I'm sorry:

I listened to so many good songs this day, but this song most aligns with the feel of this episode. Sort of an ominous topic, but also romantic and urgent. Alphaville - "Summer in Berlin" (1984).

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 12: "God Fearing Child"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“Xena Has the Baby”

This is my second watch of this episode, and after crying (again probably) about it, I can say I now like this episode more now than I did when I first watched it. It's so good, but I would’ve given eight stars, if Hercules hadn’t been in it.

The writers did a good job. However, they made it a lot about feelings between Ares and Xena, Xena and Solan, Hercules and his parents, Ares and Zeus, and even Zeus and Hera. There was a smidgeon of connection between Gabrielle and Xena at the beginning, but man those writers fucking missed the mark. So much potential. Cowards. 

See this is what I was talking about regarding the shallowness of Season 5. These writers and director came from Hercules, whose run had just ended; and they did NOT capture the essence of Xena: Warrior Princess, which is essentially Gabrielle and Xena’s effect on her. These guys avoided that dance completely. This is why Season 5 feels so disconnected, and why Season 6 is balls to the wall. 

I do need to investigate further, but it could’ve been this episode alone – good as it was – that chapped my hide on Season 5. Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman had actually just written the last episode of Hercules, which aired a couple months before this one. Seems like someone in the chain of command “gifted” these dudes this VERY. IMPORTANT. EPISODE. as a consolation prize. Well, I’m sorry, but Hercules is not on the same scale as Xena, it just isn’t. They should’ve left this ep to the big guns who know Xena. Pisses me off.

[SERIES SPOILER:] I love that the whole time we’re supposed to believe that Xena’s baby is going to kill the gods, then we realize the twilight is actually a byproduct of Xena protecting her child. [SPOILER END]

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

 CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA QUOTES: 

1) X: "Oh, Gabrielle. Come here, give me your hand. No, no, here." G: [Gasps] X: [Laughs] G: "That was a drop kick." X: "I know." G: "Just like Mom." – This is so cute.

2) Hercules: “Proxidicae, Zeus' secret guard. You kill one, the rest get stronger." X: "Tremendous." - Hahahaha

3) Ares: "To what do I owe this dubious pleasure?" Zeus: "Is it so odd, for a father to want to spend time with his son?" Ares: "OK, so now I'm your son? Please, don't insult my intelligence. You obviously want something." – This is fascinating.

4) Ares: "Oh. Oh, you are a real piece of work. You know that? You want me to keep Hercules busy so you don't have to kill him. Meantime, you intend to murder a woman I'm rather fond of." Zeus: "So fond of her as to bring about your own death? That's exactly what will happen if this child is born."

5) Zeus: "You're asking for my permission to kill my own son?!" Ares: "What is it about him you have never seen in me?!" Zeus: "Aw, it's not just you. He has managed to do something that we god have tried and failed to accomplish. He's earned humanity's love in every gesture, except fear." Ares: "And Xena has earned mine. So I guess we both have something to lose. Well, Dad, what's it gonna be?" – Kind of a remarkable thing for both of them to say.

6) Solan: "You just wanna take me to the Elysian fields 'cause you don't need me anymore." X: "What are you talking about?" Solan: "You have a new baby, now." X: "Oo-oh, listen, Solon. There's not a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about you.” – I love the way she reacts and says all this. It’s really beautiful.

7) Hera: “No one with mortal blood can find these bones. You need me to lead you there." Hercules: "And why would you wanna do that?" Hera: "I love Zeus. Hopefully, the remains of Cronos, will be enough to scare him away from Xena." – This is amazing.

8) Hercules: "I still don't get it. Why would you side with humanity?" Hera: "From the moment Zeus and I created mortals, I've spent my time hating them, for the infidelities he shared with them. But once I forgave him, I realized that humanity is the only creation, I am truly proud of." – Excellent.

9) Ares: [Zeus slaps unconscious Ares] "Yeah, yeah, baby. Yeah, go… [wakes up] What?!" – Aaaahahahahahaha! And happens to be so woman positive.

10) Zeus: "If she's helping Hercules, she could lead him t-... no, no, she wouldn't dare." Ares: "She's a woman! Whatever you're thinking, you're probably right." – God, I love Ares.

11) X: "I'm not going to become your little warrior queen, Ares. Besides, you expect me to believe you'd protect a child the fates say will destroy you?" Ares: "They say it'll destroy all the gods. Now, if I'm gonna be mortal, I, could live out my life, with you." X: "What are you talking about?!" Ares: "I have feelings for you, OK? I care about you, damn it." X: "Oh, no, no." Ares: "I see your face everywhere." X: "Stop it! You stop it! You're so desperate, you're trying to convince me that you love me. Well, go on. Say it. Say it. Say you love me...The time for you and me has been and gone." Ares: "It was worth a shot anyway. I thought in your present condition you might be a little more gullible." X: "I am pregnant, not brain-damaged. [she leaves]" Ares: "I love you, Xena." – I fucking loooooove this. It could be the best thing so far on Xena. So much sympathy for Xena.

12) Hercules: "What's the catch?" Hera: "The catch?" Hercules: "Oh, you know, there's always a catch. You know, in this case, I, I grab the rib and a giant boulder comes rolling after me." – This is an Indiana Jones reference, not for the first time.

13) Hera: “Go, make sure that Xena's safe." Hercules: "He'll kill you if he has to." Hera: "I can handle him." – Well, he sure did kill the shit out of her. What's sort of beautiful is that it appeared to be painless.

14) X: "Ahh! Get it off me! Take it off." G: [Removes her coat] "It's OK." X: "I'm cold." G: "You're cold?" X: "No!" G: "OK." X: "Take these off." G: "OK, OK." Zeus: "This is not about you and me. It's about survival." G: "Um, hey, do you remember..do you remember when Ephiny had her baby? Remember how you helped her?" X: "Please, be quiet." G: "OK." X: "Just be quiet." G: "Just breathe." – I can’t believe they’re inserting humor HERE, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

15) X: “We're gonna be together now, Eve, you and me, and your brother, forever and ever. You hear that, Solan? Forever. Forever." – Kind of resent this, because Gabrielle gets up and walks away before Xena says this, but I’m not a mother and know nothing of motherhood, so whatever.

Here's a quickie of A Different Story (1978) starring Meg foster, who kind of looks like Lucy Lawlass in this footage actually. 

And here's the scene in Aliens (1986) where all the colonists are cocooned, like Solan.

One more scene of Meg Foster looking amazing in Masters of the Universe (1987). Pay no mind to what this video-poster titled the clip, MOTU is a work of art!

 

Listened to this beautiful song this day. Blood Orange - "Hands Up."

 

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 11: "Punch Lines"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 
“The Pie Fight Episode”

This was fucking hilarious. Let’s just face it; this whole episode exists just to showcase the little horse. SO cute. I wonder what everyone on set thought of it. They must’ve been shitting their pants. Also, I feel like this episode is me right now, except instead of a friend of mine having a baby, we have trump and I’m so worried about it, I'm neglecting the shit out of my inner child.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA NOTES:

1) The whistle Xena does to summon Argo. Funny thing: my coworkers and I just taught ourselves last week to do whistle with our fingers. I can do it with one hand now, just like Xena. I think of her every time I do it.

2) The blackberries were so fucking sour, holy shit. I had to stop. 

3) The everlasting whirr of the chakram after Xena knocks the pie loose was a nice touch. I didn’t even realize it was still making a noise, until she finally caught it.

4) Aphrodite mentions chocolate and white chocolate. Just an FYI (and something I learned just this year) the chocolate plant originated in Central America and wasn’t known to Europe, until like maybe the 15th century.  

5) Joxer summons his first god.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "It doesn't take a genius to wash a horse." X: "Well, it'll come in handy for all those back rubs you're gonna give me. [Chuckles. Turns to J] Come on, dummy."

2) G: "Did you hear that? Xena telling me how to bathe you. What do I add, water? She must think I'm like Joxer or something. Xena doesn't do any cleaning. Have you smelled her feet, lately? Good girl. [Argo shrinks] What happened to you?" – I can't convey how delighted I was, here. Twas a pleasant surprise. I completely forgot this episode existed.

3) Aphrodite: "So, you shrunk her horse! Big deal! Everybody shrinks as they get older. That's why old people are so short." G: "Now, that's very constructive. What are you writing?" Aphrodite: "'Patient is hostile and insecure possibly masking some latent tendencies.'" – Is this gay? I can’t tell anymore.

4) G: "'Latent tendencies?' Where did you learn to talk like that?" Aphrodite: "Honey, don't let the blonde hair fool you. Although bombastic forms of circumlocution should be generally avoided one mustn't shy away from big words in the right context." G: "What?" Aphrodite: "Nothing. Please continue." – Hahahahaha!

5) G: "This isn't my horse. It's Xena's. You've heard of her, right? She's killed thousands of men, and with the mood she's in right now, she will not think this is funny." – For reasons I’d like to not disclose, this is the greatest line.

6) X: "Oh, Gabrielle never told you about King Gregor's child, huh. Look, I may not be nanny material, but you try babysitting through a sword fight."

7) Aphrodite: "So, let me ask you this: isn't all this storytelling an awful lot like writing?" G: "It's similar but with writing it's like talking to yourself. It's a way that you can work things out. Of course I know, now, exactly who I am." – I’m always looking for good writing advice. This is Gabrielle’s. Also this is gay.

8) G: "How was your meal?" X: "A little too much salt." – The way she says this is fucking hilarious.

9) G: "Uh, unfortunately, there's been a slight delay, Xena. You you're never gonna guess why." Joxer: "Let me. First, you got your nails done. Then you went to your ballet lesson." – Just keeping track of all of Joxer’s sexist remarks. Not his fault! But sexist nonetheless.

10) X: "Bag of wheat, bag of wheat. Ooh, lookie there, the last one on the shelf." Blutos: "So you thought you got rid of me, huh? Well better luck next time." X: "Luck has nothing to do with it." [Xena throttles Blutos, takes wheat] Joxer: "Nice save!" X: "And, it's on special, huh?" Man's Voice: "Clean up on aisle seven." – Love her face when she says it’s on special.

11) Joxer: "Oh, sure that kid of yours is gonna encounter a host of problems. Let's see, uh, pestilence, disease, foot rot, misery, but you know what, Xena? That kid's got something it couldn't get anywhere else." – Foot rot, heh.

12) G: "Argo? Argo? Ar- excuse me. Argo?” – Hahahaahahaha! OMG, I died.

13) X: "Anyone seen a guy in a little pointy hat?" Random religious figure in pointy hat: "Is that supposed to be funny?" X: "No, I just got lucky.” – (Heart)

14) Lachrymose: "Just wait till I catch you." G: "No, no." Joxer: "Huh. Must be Lachrymose-intolerant. You know, you could find her easier if you made her big again."

15) X: "Ah, now, that is devotion. Here, girl!" Some Dude: "Look, a stray dog!" – Xena’s face when she says this.

This episode is an obvious reference to Honey I Shrunk the Kids (1989).

Here are characters from the Dark Crystal (1982), who look like Lachrymose.

 In honor of my bud who texted me during this episode.

Featured clips in order of appearance:

    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    Animal Attraction
    Intimate Stranger
    Been There, Done That
    In Sickness and in Hell
    Cradle of Hope
    A Comedy of Eros
    A Day in the Life
    Takes One to Know One
    A Day in the Life
    The King of Assassins
    The Way
    A Comedy of Eros
    Warrior... Princess... Tramp
    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    The Quest
    The Quill is Mightier...
    Altared States
    The Quest
    The Execution
    The Titans
    Sins of the Past
    A Day in the Life
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    Mortal Beloved
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    The Play's the Thing
    Fins, Femmes and Gems
    The Play's the Thing
    Warrior... Priestess... Tramp
    Callisto
    Paradise Found
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    The Way
    Fallen Angel

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 10: "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:
“Season 5 Musical”

This is such a cute idea, with the lyre sounding like an electric guitar and turning this episode into a rock musical. I loved it. 

Some friends recently explained to me what it means for a show or movie to be "meta." When Xena whistles, then later on plays, her own theme song, that is meta. I know other meta moments have happened in the show. Guess I gotta go back and rewatch it all to see!

Loved the music in this so much. And, god, Gabrielle is so fucking hot in this.

Here are my takes during notes about whether or not this episode is a favorite: 

1) You’ll notice this episode and the last musical episode are not favorites, and that’s because these aren’t exactly what I’m looking for in a Xena episode.
2) This is def a fave.
3) Still trying to decide if it’s a favorite. Would I want to watch this over and over? What do I get out of it?

Girl, the jury's still out.

Number of:

Twin brothers Joxer now has: 2
Times Joxer hits himself in the head with a hammer: 2
Men Cyrene tries to set Xena up with: 4

Songs in Order of 'pearance:

1. "War" – Edwin Star
2. "Getting Ready" which is actually original lyrics set to "The Telephone Hour" from the musical Bye Bye Birdie
3. "Dancing in the Moonlight" – King Harvest
4. "Always Something There to Remind Me" – Dionne Warwick but you probs remember the Naked Eyes version
5. "Sisters are Doing It For Themselves" – The Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin
6. "Kick Out the Jams" – MC5
7. A Xena original rap/rock song
8. "People Got to Be Free" – The Rascals

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA LOVED:

1) Xena declaring the battle of the bands

2) Dance confrontations between the Amazons and Draco & Co

3) Xena and Gabrielle dancing to “Dancing in the Moonlight”

4) Gabrielle raising her eyebrow at Draco

5) Xena drinking milk in the bar

6) Gabrielle telling-off Draco
7) The outfits for “Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves”

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Cyrene: "Xena!" X: "Mom!" Cyrene: "So, it's true! And when were you going to tell me?" X: "Amphipolis was my very next stop." Cyrene: "Well, you look positively radiant. When are we gonna meet your special someone?" X: "If you mean the father, the answer's never. He's not in my life." Cyrene: "But Xena, every child needs a father!" X: "You raised me on your own." Cyrene: "I attest that would have been much easier with help." X: "I have help, Mom." Cyrene: "You have now." – Absolutely love this exchange, the delivery, the info, everything.

2) X: "Oh, Gabrielle, sign them up." G: Kill me, please." Joxer: "Aw, come on. They can't all be mediocre." G: "No, they all suck. Sadly, everyone in the music capital of Greece is tone deaf." – I love that the word “suck” is so heavily associated with bad bands.

3) Amoria: "Don't try so hard, Joxer. Didn't anyone ever tell you the quickest way to win a woman's heart is by making her laugh?" Joxer: "Oh well, in that case, I'm the sexiest man in the world."

4) Jace: "Play the game." Joxer: "No." Jace: "Play the game!" Joxer: "No, Jace not now." Jace: "Where is he? I don't see my little brother! Where is he? There he is!” – This is funny.

5) X: “I'm telling you for the last time politely, I do not need help finding a man!" Cyrene: "No? But finding the right man, now that's a different story." X: "I'm beginning to remember why I left home so young." – This is treated like it’s supposed to be funny, but this is intense.

6) Joxer: "Look, Gabrielle you don't understand. Things are different. We're not kids, anymore. I'm a warrior, now, and Jace is still Jace." G: "So you're telling me that you're so heartless towards him because he's " Joxer: "Different? Different and, he is " G: "Yes?" Joxer: "He's wasting his life. He is wasting his life. That's it. I am a warrior and he is" G: " your brother? No matter what else he is, he will always be that." – This is remarkable. This is the first time on Xena they’ve talked about homosexuality directly.

7) Man: "Xena, right?" X: "Who wants to know?" Man: "I saw your ad 'Single Greek female seeks marriage with stable provider to raise a child and to dote on an exceptionally wonderful mother who doesn't look a day over twenty." – Hahahaaha, I can't believe they did this.

8) G: "Xena I, um, I wanna ask you something." X: "Well, make it snappy. I've got a lot of single Greek losers to turn down." – Hahhahahaa

9) X: "I'm going to kill you." – This made me lol.

10) X: "I have a family. I've got Gabrielle I've got Joxer and as much as it pains me to say it, I've got you. This child's life will be filled with more than enough love." – I love all of Lucy Lawless’s dialogue with Cyrene in every single episode featuring Cyrene’s. It’s a treasure.

11) Cyrene: "You've always danced to the beat of your own drum, Xena. I suppose it would be foolish of me to stop you now."

12) G: "Um, the concert's about to start. All right. I need to make an announcement. There's some bad souvlaki going around, so stay away from the souvlaki.” – Hahahaha, this is a reference to Woodstock and the brown acid announcement.

13) G: "You all right?" Joxer: "What do you think?" G: "Joxer, she's a rocker chick. What did you expect? I have to admit, I, uh, thought it was kind of strange seeing you with her. It's only 'cause I'm so used to your, you know, being around me, and that kind of thing." Joxer: "Mm-hm like a puppy-dog." G: "That's not what I meant." Joxer: "Gabrielle, you are sort of used to having me around when you need me." G: "I know I take advantage of you, Joxer, but I care about you." Joxer: "Hm?" G: "You mean a lot to me." Joxer: "OK, so, what are you doin' tonight?" G: "Not a chance in Tartarus." – Amazing.

14) X: "Now, Terpsichore wanted this lyre to spread music so I don't think that it's fair that only one person should own it. And that's why I'm leaving it here in the musical capital of Greece, because Melodia, you rooock!" – Fun fact: the current live music capital of the world is Austin, Texas.

Here is Beyonce, doing like the ancients do and successfully crowdsurfing during "Halo."

And here's a compilation of failed crowdsurfing attempts, not unlike what happened to Draco.

I gotta admit, the only reason I rewatched the whole series and did these reviews was so that I could post this song.

Jimi Hendrix setting his guitar on fire, but remember, he got this idea from Draco who did it first in Melodia. 

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 09: "Seeds of Faith"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:
"The Episode Where Jesus Dies"

Pretty good episode. Weird one. Deep. I cried like two times, which I can’t believe.

What I absolutely love above anything else about this episode, is that they just did their own damn Jesus story. Clearly Eli is supposed to be Jesus, but there's no Herod, no Jewish anything, no trial. No crosses. In fact, it's Xena and Gabrielle who were crucified in Season 4 (God, that hurt.)

I gave this episode an 8, as evidenced below. I might change it, though. Still need to think about it.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES (There are numerous that stand alone, so not too many comments!):

1) X: "Gabrielle! What's the matter, he gonna hit you with his hankie?" G: "I thought that he had a weapon." X: "What's going on here?" Petracles: "Just a disagreement. Thanks for stopping it before it got out of hand." X: "It did get out of hand." – This was interesting, and they couldn’t even get into it deeply, because this is the episode where the entire history and principles of Christianity are summarized in 40 minutes.

2) Ares: "You, on the other hand, have been keeping yourself busy. I wish I'd known you were lookin' for a father." X: "I'm not." Ares: "Oh? Well, somebody clearly got the job." X: "Yeah, Gabrielle." Ares: "I would have paid to see that." G: "Hmm."

3) Ares: "Those men you saved are part of a growing movement a movement that incites people to disobey the gods." X: "So, you're worried that this could be the beginning of the twilight." Ares: "It's a myth." X: "You are." – Love the way she says this line. And the myth line is amazing, because this is all Greek mythology. Meta.

4) Ares: "I warn you, get in way this time you leave me no choice." X: "You threatening me? You're afraid." Ares: "The decisions you make don't just affect you anymore, 'Mom'. They affect your child. And I would hate to have to kill you both."

5) X: "Why are you doing that?" G: "Nine out of ten times the first strike means victory." X: "We're not at war, Gabrielle." G: "Don't patronize me." – This is just such a different Gabrielle. It’s amazing.

6) Eli: "You're with child." X: "Yup." Eli: "You look beautiful." – Truly believe this is what Jesus would’ve said.

7) X: "Eli, these people think that you're going to lead them in a war against the gods." Eli: "It's not a war of violence. It's a war of peace." X: "How does that work?" Eli: "The time of the Olympians is over, Xena. The gods have no choice but to give us what is rightfully ours." G: "Not without a fight they won't."

8) G: "I feel like I've disappointed you. You're walking through life preaching peace, and Xena and I have swords in our hands." Eli: "What, you feel like you've made the wrong choice?" G: "Yeah. I mean no. My heart says that you're right that everything you say makes sense. But then my head tells me that sometimes the only answer is to fight." – It’s SO DIFFERENT from the way she used to think. Her way changed when she protected Xena in Rome. This is profound, but there’s so much going on in this episode, there’s not much time to think about it.

9) G: "But you seem so sure of yourself like you have no doubt about your cause." Eli: "Everyone lives with doubt, Gabrielle. This is the path I've chosen. I just hope I have the strength to see it through. At least you've got Xena to buoy you in these times of doubt." G: "She's afraid I'm becoming numb to the violence. Look, I'm not, believe me." – This stuff Eli is saying is awesome. Who knows if Jesus really thought this, but Eli is basically saying, “Just pick something, stick to it, and do it well.”

10) X: "What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be floating on a cloud someplace." Callisto: "Thanks to you. You saved me from an eternity in Hell and for that I owe you my soul." X: "You don't owe me anything." Callisto: "I've been purified by the waters of Heaven and yet, still all you see in me is a black heart."

11) X: "Am I getting too old for this?.. Nah."

12) Callisto: "The kingdom of Heaven is beautiful, Eli." Eli: "The kingdom of Earth is beautiful too, Angel. My place has always been among the people." Callisto: "And it always will be."

13) Callisto: "You said it yourself. ‘All fear is the fear of loss and only through that fear can we truly love.' You wouldn't have been chosen if you weren't afraid. Remember in everything you do we are always with you."

14) X: "Gabrielle, I need you to stay here. Make sure nothing happens to Eli before I get back."

15) Ares: "Now I'm gonna give you one last chance." G: "Eli-" Eli: "It's all right. No, Ares. I'm gonna give you one last chance.. No, Gabrielle! If you save my life with violence the future will pay the price." – The dialogue between Ares and Eli is so good.

16) Ares: "Since the beginning of time it's been warriors who have shaped the world!" Eli: "That's about to change."

17) Lady: "She let Ares kill him! She betrayed us all! She should be punished!"

18) X: "You defended him, didn't you? You defended him, didn't you?" G: "Don't you blame me." X: "You put up a fight, didn't you?" G: "Don't you dare blame me! Don't you dare blame me!" X: "You didn't put up a fight?" G: "Xena, you were gone! I did what he asked me to do!" X: "What about what I asked you to do?! The only reason that people like Eli exist is because people like us defend them when they won't defend themselves!" G: "So Ares is right?! The whole future is shaped by warriors!" – This…conversation is incredible. I didn’t see it coming, and I was seriously like, “Oh fuck, how are they going to get around this?”

19) Ares: “Imagine how it could be if you had the power to save him. Let me show you what it feels like. [Does a bodily outline on Gabrielle] That is how I feel every moment of every day. It is the power of the gods. And with it you can change the world. Isn't that what you've always wanted?" – I imagine it’s what good heroin feels like.

20) Callisto: "I'm afraid Ares will cause her the real harm." X: "That's why I'm going after him." Callisto: "I realize you may never believe this but I care about Gabrielle and about you." X: "Well if that's true you can take me to the dagger of Helios. They say that no person on Earth knows where it is which is why I'm betting you do." Callisto: "I don't know if I can do that." X: "Well, why not? Doesn't your God believe in free will?" – I love that Xena bows to no god.

21) G: "Is this your big accomplishment, Eli? If I hadn't listened to you I wouldn't be talking to your ashes. You probably think that I'm betraying you by standing with Ares, but I am just trying to use his knowledge for a greater good. I keep telling myself that. You believed in me, Eli but you always knew that we were on a separate path. Have faith in me now." – She changed her mind in the middle of this conversation, when she decides she’s going to kill him.

22) Callisto: "This isn't an ending. It's a beginning. Eli will continue the cycle of life as a soul that's reincarnated into a new body." X: "I liked him just fine in the old one! And what about Gabrielle? She's suffering because she's caught up in the middle of your game."

23) Callisto: "If you won't listen to me then listen to Eli. He sacrificed himself to make it easier for people to follow the way of peace." X: "Like sheep to the slaughter. It's easy to preach peace when you live in Heaven. Where I come from, you've gotta fight for what you believe in. Why don't you come along? It's not every day you get to witness the twilight of the gods. It should be a good show." – I FUCKING LOVE IT, when Xena gets maniacal and dark.

24) G: "Peace is worth fighting for!"

25) Ares: "Why the return to form? I thought you'd given up on Xena." G: "It would take more than you to do that."

26) Ares: "You'll always be a goodie-two-shoes." G: "Yeah, but with a really big sword."

27) X: "Make a move on me please." Ares: "A dagger? You're gonna have to do better than that." X: "The Dagger of Helios. So, no I don't." – My “Quotes” section on my one-pager is too fucking small to fit everything in, but god dammit if I didn’t want just this one.

28) X: "When you killed Eli, you made sure that his cause would never die. It's what he wanted, Ares. You played right into his hands. Now, you're hoping that I'll play into yours."

29) X: "I'm gonna do worse than kill you. I'm gonna spare your life."

30) Ares to G: "And you I could've given you the world." G: "You can't give me what you don't have."

31) G: “I'm sorry." X: "Gabrielle, I shouldn't have blamed you for Eli's death. I'm-" G: "Xena, I was blaming myself. I'm sorry." X: "No, I'm sorry." Eli: "Your enduring faith in one another is the greatest miracle of all." – This is SO good. It’s fulfilling.

32) Callisto: "Xena, my time has come to be reincarnated into the mortal world and the body that will bear my spirit has been ordained. I can think of no greater mother than you." X: "It was you all along? You gave me this child." Callisto: "In the past, I destroyed your life, Xena." X: "And I destroyed yours. Maybe it's time that we both gave back what we once took from each other." – There are some mystics who believe that people you’ve wronged will be your parents in the next life. Like I seriously read that in a physics book.

I think the bridge scene was a serious nod to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984):

I listened to this song this day. I love it. I heard it on Wild, Wild Country (2018), a documentary about a cult who takes over a small town in Oregon in the 80's.

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 08: "Little Problems"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:
“The Episode Where Lucy Lawless Obviously Had a Baby for Real”

I have decided after a LOT of digging that Sandor is the name of Tharon's captain and he is played by Stephen Finch and not Steven Finch as stated in IMDB. The Steven Finch pictured on IMDB as having played Sandor is a white guy and not in this episode. I may or may not correct this problem myself. We'll see how hard it is.

This is the only Xena episode for this writer and director, and looks like the only episode this season directed by a woman.

I always appreciate a stuntman falling down the stairs. Let's get started.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES: 

1) Tharon’s Captain: "Get it all, boys! It's not every day you penetrate Aphrodite's sanctum! Now, this is what I call a treasure chest! [Laughs]" – Thanks, god.

2) G: "Who's Tharon?" – First name Charlize, perhaps you’ve heard of her.

3) G: "I can't believe it. Aphrodite succoring the ill." Aphrodite: "I am not! These people give me things because they're grateful!" – This is actually a joke that I didn’t get, because I didn’t know what succoring meant or that it was even a different word than suckering.

4) Daphne: "I'm scared." X: "You're scared." – Haha, this is hilarious if you think about it.

5) Aphrodite: "Boy talk about failure to communicate." G: "Says the god who can't pull off a simple body switch?" – Dude, I loooove Aphrodite and Gabrielle together.

6) Aphrodite: “If we don't get Xena out of Daphne's body by sundown, she's trapped there forever. Plus which, I would miss the big rave at the Gemini Club. Word is, Castor and Pollux themselves are gonna show up. And I hear the band-" G: "What did you say?" Aphrodite: "The part about Xena being trapped forever?" G: "No, about Castor and Pollux.” – Hhshahahaha!

7) G: "If you goons think you're taking her anywhere, then you're dumber than you look." – This is awesome.

8) G to X's body: "I'll be back for you." – A kiss would’ve been nice here, you bastards.

9) Galantis: "They were your Mother's favorite. Well, come on now, we can't eat flowers." – You can in Stardew.

10) G: "It's hanging below his belt." Aphrodite: "Yeah, I noticed." G: "The oil, Aphrodite."

11) X: "It may not seem fair, but you're gonna have to grow up a little faster than you thought. It's just you and your dad, now. You're gonna have to learn to take care of each other." – This is Xena speaking from when she had no father.

12) Daphne: "What about your dad?" X: "What about him?" Daphne: "What's he like?" X: "He's dead." Daphne: "Do you miss him?" X: "I never really knew him. He wasn't a very good man from all the stories I've heard, but I guess I, um I guess I miss the idea of him." – This is awesome and the most interesting thing about this episode, but I thought Ares was maybe Xena’s dad. Maybe she’s sparing Daphne that story.

13) X: “What happened to her is a terrible, terrible thing, but even if she'd known she was going to die, she would have done it anyway because she loved you that much. Do you see?" Daphne: "How do you know?" X: "Hey I'm about to be a mother, too, and if you were my little girl, I would trade my life for yours in a heartbeat." – OK, again, why is Xena acting like this is her first baby. The appropriate sentence here should’ve been, “I’m a mother, I know these things.” Have these writers not watched the fucking show?

14) X as Daphne: "Then we'll have to split up. Aphrodite go get my body. Meet us at the castle as soon as you can." Aphrodite: "No problem." X as Daphne: "I've got a feeling this one's gonna be close."

15) G: "Hello! My little girl is selling junior Amazon cookies." – Hahahahaha WTF This is hilaaarious.

16) X: "Daphne, I'm going to let you take over now. You and your father have got a few things to talk about. Go on. You can do it." – Could this not have waited until they were, oh I don’t know, NOT right in the middle of a jailbreak? Stupid.

17) Daphne: "You're the best friend I ever had." X: "I hope I have a kid just like you." Daphne: "Will I ever see you again?" X: "Of course you will. Just look in the mirror." – They barely know each other, BUT a cute thing to say at the end.

Watching Gabrielle drag Xena’s body by herself was like watching Conan: The Barbarian (1982) and the Wheel of Pain, one of my most favorite movie scenes of all time:

Speaking of two people in one body, All of Me (1984) is the most famous instance of that I can think of:

The day I watched this episode, I listened to this song. It was dope.

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 07: "Back in the Bottle"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"Genghis Khan ft. Lao Ma's Annoying Children"

Man, this episode just lasted forever, and again, that actress and the Ming T'ien actor are just awful. have little else to say.

This should really go in with subtext, but it's not officially in the episode. Here's a link to Tumblr (sorry). This photo is a kiss cut from the episode between Gabrielle and Lin Qi. I swear to god ... I wonder when this was cut, because I feel like I saw it included on Netflix in 2009. Maybe not. 

Side Note: Lin Qi reminds me a bit of the beautiful Patrick Swayze. You might remember Brandon Anthony Wong from The Matrix sequels. 

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "OK, can I just go to town for food? Who has money?" – This is an awesome line, I don’t care. People say this still today.

2) Lin Qi: "OK, listen up! Move the sandbags below. Gabrielle will tell you where." G: "Thank you."

3) Soldier: "You are now one with the Green Dragon." – This is what I say to myself after a line of horse.

4) Pao Ssu: "And then in turn to an entire legion of warriors all of whom are prepared to die in the dragon's name. What are you prepared to die for, Xena?" X: "Your mother's legacy and your sister's cause!" – You tell ‘em, girl!! Just kidding, they couldn’t think of anything clever for Xena to say, there? Fuck this.

5) K'ao Hsin: "I heard about what happened. Are you all right?" X: "Considering I saw a ghost? Yeah." – Hahhahaha

6) Lin Qi: "You know, we heard Xena traveled with a companion, a storyteller of sorts." G: "I am. I mean, I used to tell stories, but it's been a while." – I love that people have heard of Gabrielle, and know she’s Xena’s companion.

7) Lin Qi: "When you're born with the, a gift of the bard, you die with it." G: "My life's more complicated now." Lin Qi: "I think you're selling yourself short." G: "You don't know me." – This is interesting.

8) Lin Qi: "I know that someone who's willing to die for a cause greater than herself has a merciful heart and that's where all great stories come from." – It appears Lin Qi got all the good lines in this episode.

9) G: "Xena, come on. You're gonna run through the woods and set off explosions?" X: "Thank you. I already have a mother." G: "And you're going to be a mother. It's not just your life that you're risking. We can handle it." X: "I know. Right." – A married couple might have this fight.

10) G: "Xena, even if you can control the power are you prepared to destroy a hundred thousand men?" X: "I don't have any choice." – This is so dumb, I’m sorry.

11) X: "Good luck, Lin Qi." Lin Qi: "With her by my side, how can we lose?" – Xena: "The fuck you just say about my girlfriend?"

12) X: "No, it's not that. The power that I had today wasn't born out of anger. I wasn't even thinking about those men. I was thinking about the people that they wanted to hurt. So, I guess what I said before isn't true anymore. I have seen love end a war." – She was thinking about how much she loved Gabrielle.

The guy stepping on the landmine and dying, and Xena walking out there (pregnant) into more of them to save Joxer, was very English Patient (1996). I'm sorry though; I can't find a clip of the scene I'm talking about. 

Listened to this cover of "Wicked Game" by Emika this day. The episode, however, is not worthy.

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Xena: Season 5, Episode 06: "Purity"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“Lao Ma’s Annoying Twins”

I tried hard not to but I hated this episode. Pretty sure the bad actress played a huge part in that.

And it appears all of "Purity" is fucked-up on the disc. Again, watched it on Hulu. With commercials. Thanks, dicks.

This episode also sucks because Gabrielle is treated like Iolas’s character in Hercules. Secondary with no emotional connection.

Buckle your seat-belt for a good panning.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES: 

1) G: "I hope that message was important enough to die for." X: "Someone thought it was important enough to kill for. `The hawk and the dove must be made one with the wisdom.'" – God dammit, why must someone die over an encrypted message. Just say what the fuck you mean. SHIT.

2) Joxer's Voice: "Why can't we just get this at a bookstore?" X: "I left it in Ch'in in the safest place I knew the Zo monastery. Lao Ma's power is in its pages." G: "You had the power once didn't you?" X: "Yes, but I let it slip through my fingers like sand. This time, I'm going to keep it." – Narrator: She doesn’t.

3) X: "Here. The book somebody's taken it though, not more than an hour ago." – Come on… She gathers that information from dust?
4) X: "Gabrielle I want you to take this. Find out what's in the black powduh [sic]. Legend says a Chinese cook discovered it by accident." Pao Ssu: "That's just a silly tale." Joxer: "Hey never underestimate cooks."

5) Pao Ssu: "Why would she abandon her own two daughters, simply to become a surrogate mother to a stranger?" X: "Well, I'm sure if your mother sent you away, it was because she felt she needed to protect you." – Probs the only interesting convo in the whole episode and still not that great. Surely, Xena is thinking of Solan.

6) Joxer: “Look we're only gonna pay three three hwan understand? Three three? He don't speak Greek too good, do he?” – As borderline racist as this is –and of course it’s Joxer’s joke– this is fucking hilarious, because they’re speaking English.

7) Pao Ssu Ssu: "I was tricked by Xena." – This line is terrible. “She tricked me” or “She fucking tricked me” would’ve sufficed.

8) K'ao Hsin: "You replaced the book with a fake. That's why you let Pao Ssu Su escape." – As she sits there, settled with the book in her lap, several hours later next to Xena, whom she’s been with since Pao Ssu took off with the fake book hours ago.

9) X: "People who want the world end up their own worst enemy. I learned that myself." – I’m too stupid to know what this means.

10) G: "Ooh what is that?" Joxer: "Oh. Say it's, it's, um.." G: "Oh. Remind me to cut off my foot when we get out of here." – Hahhaaha. Gabrielle and Joxer: the only saving grace of this episode.

11) Pao Ssu: "Lao Ma's power's would have been wasted on you. And you, Xena, were right; I would have dropped the torch anyway." – Awful.

12) Pao Ssu: "'Small people hate loneliness but the master makes it her home, her source, her mother, for she knows it allows her to be one with the universe.'"

13) K'ao Hsin: "When Pao Ssu and I were infants, she saved our lives-" X: "-at great risk to her own to protect you from your brother-" K'ao Hsin: "-the Green Dragon." X: "She knew that he would see any siblings as rivals to his throne. She couldn't risk a battle with him until she knew you were safe.” – This makes no fucking sense and again is a huge explanation of something we don’t really need. We all know Lao Ma’s twins were added-on as an afterthought so this crap episode could exist.

In homage to twins played by the same actor, here's a couple videos of twins played by the same actor: Vicky and Marley from Another World played by Anne Heche, and the most famous twins played by one actor of all, Hallie and Annie from Parent Trap played by Lohan.

And here's a song I listened to this day, in honor of the lightening bolt battle at the end of this episode:

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