Hey, Girl. It's Wanda.: 2012

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Xena: Season 2, Episode 21: "Lost Mariner"

"Lost Mariner"

This episode is just right of middle for me. I love it. I could watch it over and over again, but I couldn't tell you exactly why...Perhaps it's because Steven L. Sears is a genius and he writes simply and as though Xena and Gabrielle are in love. There are a few more episodes about which I feel similarly. I'll point them out as we go along. As a matter of fact, I believe I've already pointed out a few using different wording.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) C: “Do you know the story of how Athena became goddess of Athens?” G: “Yeah. Poseidon and Athena both wanted Athens. So a contest was held. The first citizen was chosen to arbitrate.” C: “He wasn’t the first citizen. A minor point, but go ahead.” – I love the way he says this. Then Gabrielle’s short reaction to the way he says it. From his tone, she marvels over the fact that he truly knows what happened.

2) Pirate: “That was just insanity! She just jumped onto that cursed ship!” – This pirate lacky is kind of hilarious. I can’t take him seriously. His wig is terrible.

3) C: “I love stupid pirates.” – Me too. Mmmm.

4) C: “It isn’t that someone loves me! It’s my love for others! The love you had for Gabrielle, Xena! When you risked your life for her! The love Hidsim had for me when he died! You’re right! It really is just that simple! Thank you! Thank you!” – Love that he’s telling Xena these tender things as they’re literally being thrown about, swirled into a sinkhole, and about to die on the ship.

For no reason–no reason at all–a Milli Vanilli song I recently fell in love with all over again:

What's happening currently: this Radiohead cover makes me want to come in my pants. You must listen to the whole thing (or, if you're impatient and want the shiz, skip to 2:28).

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 20: "The Price"

"The Price"

So this is an episode about asshole Xena. I love asshole Xena or what some people refer to as "dark Xena." This episode's fuckin' awesome.

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EXTRAS:

1) X: “We don’t have any friends, right now. Get used to it. We’re not gonna let these bastards defeat the elite of the Athenian army, are we?!” – YES.

2) X: “Yeah, get a water bag for yourself, Gabrielle, but no food and water for the seriously wounded, only for the men who can fight.” G: “But these men will die without water.” X: “It won’t matter if we can’t defend the compound.” G: “You expect me to decide who lives and-” X: “I want men outside, Gabrielle. You figure it out. And let Menticles know when they die. We need them out on the wall.” G: “I can’t. I can’t.” – This is good stuff, here.

3) X: “Make your rounds, and meet me back at the command hut.” – "Command hut" is an oxymoron.

4) G: “I can’t believe this, Xena. You’re scaring me.” – The most awesome thing Gabrielle says to Xena.

5) G: “What happened to the Xena that I know?” X: “That Xena can’t help us now. If losing her is the price for saving us all, I’ll pay it. It’s just a part of me I didn’t think I’d need anymore. Get back to work.” – So good. Xena suggests that losing good Xena is "the price" referred to in the title. It's not, though, is it. Gabrielle's life becomes the price.

6) G: “Put it over there. Start feeding these men. And, uh, grab some rags and start boiling some water.” – I would’ve loved it if she’d just kept on in this tone, like, “tell that guy over there that he needs to go to sleep. Uh, put some pancakes on and have them ready in an hour.”

The Horde is also a villainous group of assholes from the animated series She-Ra. Now, anyone who knows me knows how much I hate fart and/or poop jokes. I truly hate them, but this particular fart joke is so well-done (in terms of editing and overdubbing), that I'm going to let it stand as my Evil Horde reference from the beloved 80s cartoon:

At one point, Gabrielle tells Xena, "I think we all came from the water." She's not the only one who thinks so. Why, Bjork sings a song about this very topic (Remember, all things lead back to Bjork.)

I know this post occurred long after the watching, but here is a song I know for a fact I listened to a lot around June 24th. "I Think About It" by College:

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Sunday, July 8, 2012

Xena: Season 2, Episode 19: "Ulysses"

"Ulysses"

One word sums it up: awkward.

I remember liking this episode in 2009. This is the first time I've watched it, though, since watching seasons 3-6 for the first time. Now, it kind of hurts to watch certain parts of "Ulysses." For instance, at the beginning when Gabrielle is standing in the shot in the background between Ulysses and Xena (which is done on purpose), you just feel her panic and fight-or-flight mode kick in.

[SERIES SPOILER] This might be the last episode where, I think, the makers of the show try pair Xena and Gabrielle up with other people. If I remember right (and I think I do), this is the last time Xena has a written love interest other than Gabrielle. I know that’s a tall order, considering there are four more seasons to go (and I’m not really including season 5, which, as far as I’m concerned, doesn’t really count. What I'm trying to say is, if my calcs are corr, not until season 5 does Xena take on another lover, sort of… God, season 5 is such a train wreck; I almost can’t wait to rewatch it knowing what I know.) [END SPOILER]

Despite the ultimate focus of "Ulysses," this episode is loaded with subtext. And what a platform!

I touched on these briefly in the review template, but all of the subtext incidents beg for far more coverage, which I will now provide. As an ancient mythological journalist, this is exactly the kind of shit I live for.

1) So, Xena and Ulysses start talking after teaming up during their first battle together. Gabrielle is framed between them in the background. If this were just a normal story about Xena and U-dawg falling in love, there would be no reason to show Gabrielle's reaction to this at all. Putting her between them is an obvious nod to jealousy.

2) While Ulysses and Xena talk at night as Gabrielle sleeps, they address the idea that Ulysses will find love again someday. Gabrielle, coincidentally, interrupts the tender moment, claiming thirst as her excuse. You know, some would say there are no coincidences.

3) What the hell was that appraising, surprised look that Xena gave Gabrielle when she spots her dancing "erotically?" And Gabrielle seems pleased with the reaction. Then Xena says: "Hey boys. I want in on the fun, too." - I'm a little unclear about whose fun she wants in on.

4) Gabrielle sports an unpleasant, shocked expression when she and Ulysses admire Xena and Ulysses says, "What a woman."

5) Ulysses says, “We'd be going up against a god. Your friend-” Gabrielle cuts in, “-goes where Xena goes.” Not only do Gabrielle and Xena finish each others sentences, they are inseparable.

6) Ulysses tells Xena he's found his soulmate, but Xena does not say it back. Xena and Ulysses kiss. After Ulysses walks away from Xena, the camera pans to a once-sleeping Gabrielle, who's now awake and looks sad. Why include this, if not to say, "OUCH."

7) Gabrielle confronts Xena about her feelings for Ulysses, saying, "I need to know." Besides being understanding and grown-up about it, this is not the sort of thing or way a friend asks another friend about a new love.

Gabrielle then says, “Promise me one thing. You’ll follow your heart and don't worry about me.” Xena says so sweetly, “You're part of my heart.” Gabrielle says, “Xena, do you remember what you told me when Perdicus asked me to marry him? You said that seeing me happy would make you happy. I feel the same way.” I told my ex this once before-the exact same thing-when another person walked into the picture of our relationship. Xena proceeds to say, “Gabrielle, you’ve been so good for me, I don’t think I would ever have let myself feel the way I feel now about Ulysses if it wasn’t for you teaching me how to love.” Let's just wait a minute... I know what Xena means to say with this and Gabrielle takes it the way Xena obviously means it, but I believe this statement is way more revealing than it seems. Think about it for a sec.

8) Xena tries to discourage Ulysses from liking her, supposedly because she wants to give him and Penelope a clear shot at their marriage. She says, “Let me lay it on the line for you, Ulysses. You’re not my type.” Why say this? Why not just say, “The feeling's not mutual?”

9) Might I also note, that Xena says these horrible things to Ulysses to give him a chance to figure out for himself if he truly loves her. Ulysses, in the end, sees her hurtful words for what they are and approaches Xena again, saying he realizes what she was doing and still wants to be with her. She then thinks of Penelope and completely thwarts the advance once and for all.

Look, if you love someone and they tell you they love you back, you don’t just throw that away.

I love Xena. She is so deep, cares for people, is pulled to people, but she is a nomad and must keep moving. Regardless of everything, she has the balls to acknowledge her feelings as they arise.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) X: “I’m gonna have to push this all the way through. It’s gonna hurt.” U: “As if it hasn’t been hurting up to now? (she pushes it through) That’ll wake you up in the morning!” - This is fucking funny.

2) U: “I’d like to see that chakram in action. I’ve never seen one before.” X: “Yeah, I guess it’s unique to me.” - I love this line of Xena's. The chakram is totally unique to her, which is awesome.

3) G: “Sirens? Their song is said to call all men who hear it to their death on the rocks of the island.” X: “All men. I’m not a man.” U: “Yeah, I’ve noticed.” – I know there’s something notable about this quote; I just can’t figure out what.

4) I’m so happy you’re back to reclaim your kingdom, be reunited with your wife.” U: “My wife? But, Meticles, Penelope is dead.” – Wah-wah waaah.

5) X: “Well, isn’t that just a typical man? I give you a few smiles and a kiss, and you’re convinced that I’m in love with you. You’re kidding yourself. I was embarrassed with all that mush you were spewing the other night. The only reason I didn’t shoot you down right then is because I didn’t think you could handle it. So let me lay it on the line for you, Ulysses. You’re not my type.” – Jesus Christ; that’s harsh. Wouldn’t the truth have sufficed just as well?

6) X: “What about Penelope?” U: “I don’t love her, anymore.” X: “Does she love you? She does.” U: “I don’t know if she loves me; I don’t know.” X: “Ulysses, your kingdom needs you. Your wife needs you. You’re home at last. Whatever you feel toward me will pass.” – I find it interesting and awesome that Xena won’t let Ulysses hurt another woman.

"Satellites" by Guster - Here's a song that has nothing to do with anything, only that I just heard it for the first time a few minutes ago and kind of like it:

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Sunday, June 17, 2012

Xena: Season 2, Episode 18: "Blind Faith"

Hi. I'm not even going to explain why I haven't posted for over a month. Let's just jump right in, shall we?

"Blind Faith" - I feel like such a dick for not knowing what this episode was about. I mean, it’s practically spelled out in the title. They might as well have called it, “In This Episode, Xena Is Blind.”

I watched this during the day, which is a first. I think it was because I was overly excited about my bunk weekend sleep-over experience in New Jersey.

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EXTRAS:

1) X: “Any market in Athens’ll have it.” P: “Well, if I were you, I’d be headed for Athens.” – Love how he says this.

2) V: “You are not reaching out for a glass of beer in a tavern. You are extending your hand for a kiss.” – I love that he insults Gabrielle at every turn.

3) P: “You see, friends make you vulnerable. That’s why I don’t have any.” X: “Oh, is that why?” - So simple, so effective.

4) P: “Are you crazy! I killed Krakus of Pyla.” X: “No, you didn’t.” P: “What makes you so sure?” X: “Because, I did.” – Nine times out of 10, this is Xena’s retort to someone who claims to have killed someone powerful.

5) V: “Egyptian senna? I have that growing in my garden. Well, you can’t make a good face cream without it.” - Vidalis is so "on" in this episode.

6) G: “OK, you ready? Now, this might sting a little bit.” – How the fuck would she know? “Look, I’ll try to be careful, all right?” – What she means is, "I’ll try not to smear your mascara."

Watching Gabrielle struggle inside that casket, as it's being pulled into a blazing inferno, reminds me of this scene from Kill Bill:

Ulrich Schnauss - "Nothing Happens in June." I've listened to this song several times daily, every day for a month:

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Monday, May 14, 2012

Xena: Season 2, Episode 17: "The Execution"

All right, people, settle down. Yes, I did stay with my friend over the weekend and yes I hated every minute of it. Every minute. "Never again," and that's all I'll say on the matter. Moving right along!

"The Execution:" Not a bad episode. I liked watching it, actually. It's "OK."

It reminds me of one of my all time favorite movies, Errol Morris' The Thin Blue Line. The reenactment style is the same, same dramatic lighting, and the storyline is basically the same: Someone is killed, someone is wrongly accused, someone is tried within a flawed justice system, different accounts are given, eventually justice prevails. If you’ve never seen TTBL, watch it; you will love it.

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EXTRAS:

1) X: “Don’t make this more difficult than it already is. I don’t want to bring him back, but I have to!” G: “He is an innocent man.” X: “You don’t know that!” – Good stuff. Really good stuff.

2) G: "I won’t let you do this.” M: “Gabrielle.” G: “She’s not taking you anywhere.” – This is so bold. I love that she has the balls to talk to Xena this way.

3) M: “I didn’t want you to know I started drinking again. I thought I could handle just one. Then it was another and another.” – They should show this in high schools or AA meetings.

4) G: “Friends don’t lie. You were right; he wasn’t being honest. I’m sorry for not believing you.” X: “That’s not an issue. You and I have plenty of time to talk about it, but Meleager’s not that lucky.” – I love this. What I’d give to see this future conversation take place.

6) X: "Now I know you’re innocent. You didn’t kill that man. I did.” – Man, Xena's killed EVERYBODY.

7) X: “Remember me? I saved you from that assassin.” - Love the way she says this.

8) G: “It doesn’t matter how valuable they are, as long as it’s priceless to you.” - Good times, Gabrielle. Good times.

9) M: "Look, Gabrielle, when the time comes, don’t look outside.” G: “I have to. I want you to look at me. I want the last face that you to see in this world to be a friend.” – Intense and deep. I love it all over myself.

Now, in this episode, a judge–Judge Arbus–is the bad guy. Because of his slanted ways, innocent people died. Let’s talk about another Arbus, of whom I’m a huge fan. This is Diane Arbus, my favorite photographer (holding her daughter):

Here is some of her work for which she is known:

This one's probably my favorite.

I love her, because even though she took pictures of seemingly ordinary things, her work scares the living shit out of me.

The song/video of the day is "Birthday Cake" by Rihanna (I'm just going to pretend that Chris Brown is not featured.) I watched my friend Pauline absolutely jam to this song in the car while riding with her in New Jersey, and I fell in love with it. It's so good:

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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Xena: Season 2, Episode 16: "For Him the Bell Tolls"

"For Him the Bell Tolls"

The only people saving it from floppage are Gabrielle and Aphrodite

(and to a certain extent, Cupid).

You don't understand. It's not that this episode was shitty; it's just that it suuucked and was completely irrelevant.

Here's the deal: It wasn't badly done or poorly acted and the script was fine. HOWEVER... Nothing hooked me. [SERIES SPOILER] If I remember correctly, there's a whole lotta this going on in season 5, too, so it's not that it's Joxer-based. [END SPOILER] I love Joxer! I'm on team Joxer, all right? It's not him. There was just no depth to the story. No oomph. No chutzpah.

The show is about Xena. It's even titled, Xena: Warrior Princess. They can get away with a show solely about Gabrielle, because we know Gabrielle. She's been in every single episode thus far and is a compelling character, but we barely know Joxer... In fact, there's little complexity to him as a character, right now. He gets deeper later, but that's for me to tell and for you to hear. So the point is, this episode was a whole lot of fluff, with no sugar or cream. It was like cotton candy made of actual cotton.

As you probably, maybe, might know, "For Him the Bell Tolls" is a direct lift from a passage in one of John Donne's poems or meditations (or whatever). The famous lines read as such:

... any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee..

Pretty awesome, isn't it? It's chilling. However "For Him the Bell Tolls" has absolutely nothing to do with the passage or the John Donne-inspired novel, Ernest Hemingway's "For Whom the Bell Tolls." I do like the linkage of the famous title to the relevance of this Xena ep, though.

Let's talk about the goddess of love. I looove Aphrodite. She’s one of the funniest, intriguing characters on the show (right up there with Ares) and this episode hosts her first appearance! I was so excited! [SERIES SPOILER] My most favorite thing that she ever says comes up later, in season 3 or 4, I think. Hmm… Maybe it’s even in season 6... Whatever, I'll point it out when it happens. [END SPOILER]

Might I conclude by saying that the rewatch of this was extra painful... It was like watching an episode of Batman that's about neither Batman nor Robin, but, say, Alfred the butler. It’s fine, BUT… you see where I'm goin'?

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EXTRAS:

1) J: “My sword is always ready to pleasure you, my lady.” – When “cool” Joxer says this, it’s just not funny.

2) A: “Love isn’t just about happy endings. There’s also jealous love, and unrequited love, and tragic love. And when you strip away all the tinsel, it’s really just about hormones, isn’t it?” – Who can argue with the G. of L.?

3) G: “I think I’m gonna be sick.” – You and me both, sister.

4) G: “This is ridiculous. Don’t touch her, Joxer. Cut it out!” I: “Come here.” G: “Guys, stop it! I’ve had enough of- oh! It’s gonna be a long night. Oh, this is so sick!” – This was probably the highlight of the episode for me. Yeah, I know.

5) J: “Joxer the Mighty roams through the countryside, he never needs a place to hide. With Gaby as his sidekick, fighting with her little stick. Righting wrongs and singing songs. Being mightly all day long. He's Joxer, he's Joxer the Mighty. Oh, he's Joxer the Mighty, he's really tidy. Everybody likes him 'cause he has a funny grin. Joxer! He's Joxer the Mighty!” – Word on the street is Sam Raimi wrote this himself.

6) A: “Mmm. You’re that goody-two-shoes that hangs around my boy, Joxer.” – Seriously love the way she says, “my boy, Joxer.” That’s fucking hilarious. Aphrodite - inventing street lingo since ancient times.

7) G: “So you’re going to let an innocent man die?” A: “Oh, come on! No one’s really innocent. Well, maybe you.” – I love that even Aphrodite backs this up.

8) G: “Love is soft and gentle. It’s not violent and cruel.” A: “You don’t know much about love, do you?” – I know the way Aphrodite intends this to be taken, but there’s another way this can go that is utterly fascinating.

9) G: “Remember, that love is about trust and giving. It’s not about anger and jealousy.” A: “She really doesn’t get it, does she?” C: “Maybe she gets it better than any of us.” – God, I love Gabrielle. Now that I think about it, though, it is about anger and jealousy. It’s about aaall of those things. Just sayin’.

Aphrodite learned to talk by watching Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure repeatedly on her VCR:

I'd like to start doing this thing where I paste the song that I'm listening to the day of the post into the blog. Usually, I'll have a certain song in my head for whatever reason. Today it was "Goddess Eyes II" by Julia Holter, a new artist I came across. Her music is a mix of basic instruments and stiff notes, like this episode. In her case, however, it works:

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Sunday, May 6, 2012

May 2012 Calendar Update

All right; let's talk about the schedule a little bit. It took quite the beating in April. Lots of new stuff happened... New jobs, new apartment lease, taxes, new responsibilities.

May, too, brings events about which I'm not happy, frankly. I'll be staying the weekend with a coworker of mine, and that's fine, though I wish I could get out of it. The truth is, I don't know her very well, but I do know that she's very insistent, and I don't think she understands (or cares) that my life is private, busy, and solitary.

Optional Reading: When I try to tell others that I don't have time for fun stuff or that I like to be alone, many view that as a bad thing or something that I'm unhappy with and would like to see changed. The truth is, I don't like to go out much, especially if I don't know the person. I would rather be alone 95% of the time. I love being alone!

Ironically, I find it hard to be alone due to the insistence of friends. If it wasn't for work and true friends who guilt-trip me into spending time with them, I would never go out at all.

In short, what I'm saying is, I don't want to spend the weekend with my coworker, but it seems to mean a lot to her, and she did help get me my new job, so I'm doing it. I'll spend the weekend with her and will be glad as I do, I'm sure, but I doubt I get in any Xena time.

When my friend's wedding approaches later in the month, I'll obviously miss out on Xena those three days. I fucking love weddings, and it's a good friend, so I'm happy for the distraction. Also, during that time, my friend Max from Texas will be staying with me. He's independent, likes to work the bar scene, then crash with other friends in the city, so I can probably sneak in an episode or two while he's out. However, while he's here with me in the apartment, we have our own shows and movies that we watch together, such as Gone with the Wind.

Miss Scarlett

It will be rough, but I'll attempt to watch more episodes in May than I did in April, get through season 2, and start season 3 at least. I can't make any promises. Not in this town. June should be much slower and therefore "roomier." Unless I start secretarial school... We'll see. Lalalalalalalala!!

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Xena: Season 2, Episode 15: "A Day in the Life"

"A Day in the Life:" The girls wake up to a fight, Gabrielle tweaks over a frying pan and Xena invents the kite. Totally brilliant.

Sorry, Ben. You're a little late!

This episode jumps right in with Greek headlines prefacing each segment of the episode, the English translation falling below it. (For instance, the first scene and segment is titled “Waking Up.”) From the first second, we know we’re in for something a little different (as we’re shot into the realization that, of course, Xena and Gabrielle actually would have spoken Greek) and our interest is peaked.

Lots of subtext going on, which adds to this ep’s infamous status of “cult favorite.” For example, when Gabrielle sends Hower to collect firewood after Xena goes fishing, Xena sits down next to Gabrielle and... they look awfully snug together on that log. Several conversations take place in which it's explained to Hower that Xena's "not having it." In fact, so we're clear, here they all are:

1) H: “Let me ask you something, Gabrielle. Does Xena ever think about settling down and getting married?” G: “No; she likes what I do- I think she likes what she’s doing. No, I don’t think settling down is for Xena.” H: “Hmm... maybe she just hasn’t met the right guy.”G: “You know, anything’s possible, Hower.”

2) G: “Minia, Xena would never take anybody’s boyfriend. She has more integrity in that way than anyone I’ve ever met.”

3) X: “Hower, Minia’s a good woman. She loves you. You’re lucky to have her. And you got a snowball’s chance in Tartarus with me. You got that?”

Xena don't want no scrub. Then, to top it off, Minia goes ahead and spells it out for us. She says this to Xena about the whip that Gabrielle just traded for a frying pan: “No! It belongs to me! You don’t get that concept very well, do you? The whip is mine. The frying pan’s yours. Hower is mine!... She’s yours.” Of course, we all know the "she" that Minia refers to is Gabrielle of Potidaea.

Let's not even mention the “I let you get this close” scene. It was intense and I looked around my apartment self-consciously to make sure no one was watching me. It felt as though I was intruding on a private moment and needed to find an exit, quick. Good shit. No wonder this ep is the bomb.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the entire series by posting "series spoiler" before said item number. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) The whole thing with Gabrielle bonking Xena in the nose with her staff is adorable. And then she gives Xena a sweet lil kiss on the head, which Xena resents, because she's stoic.

2) X: “Well, you were there. Why didn’t you ask him?” G: “Oh, like you would want me to butt in on one of your pinch interrogations?” X: “Why not? You ask good questions.” G: “Really? Thank you.” - I love this shit.

3) G: “Were you killed by a certain Warrior Princess?” X: “Yes.” G: “Well, that narrows it down. A little." - NICE.

4) G: "Another one’s fallen for you.” X: “Again?” G: “Yeah.” X: “Why does this always happen?” G: “It’s the blue eyes, the leather. Some guys just love leather.” X: “I think a wardrobe change is in order.” G: “You could wear chain mail.” X: “Yeah, but I think that’d just attract a kinkier group.” G: “You’re probably right.” - Another comment like this is made later and they're just hilarious. I believe that this is how Xena and Gabrielle would really talk behind the scenes.

5) G: “Well, what was I supposed to use, huh? You threw our only good cutting knife at a warlord last week. I bet it’s still sticking out of his thigh.” - This shit is so funny!

6) M: “All right! I finally get to meet the, the Warrior Princess herself! I’ve heard about all your adventures. How you unchained death, and, and liberated Prometheus, and nailed that Callisto witch.” – OK. I thought I heard “bitch” here. Still not convinced it's "witch," but either way is good.

7) Does she sleep in the-” G: “Well-” X: “Hey!” – Because… you know, rumor has it that Xena sleeps in the nude and Gabrielle is about to explain!

8) M: “Hello, Hower! Xena’s here! Isn’t she incredible?! So strong, so confident, so brave, so-” H: “Beautiful.” M: “Well, she’s all right, if you like that type.” - I kind of love Minia for her unabashed admiration for Xena (at first).

9) X: “Hey! Hower, say goodbye to Minia.” - I love that Xena says this. She's so good. She really cares!

10) G: “Look; we have to cook our food. I am still waiting for the fish I had for lunch to stop trying to swim upstream!” - This line is very subtle, but it's there. See it?

11) M: “Xena’s old buddy, Goliath, wanted to get revenge on Gareth for killing his family, but then, Xena and Goliath ended up on opposite sides during the Israelite-Philistine feud, and then Goliath got wasted.” - The way she says this is masterful and amazing.

12) G: “Hey, don’t get defensive. I just don’t share your vision here.” X: “There were plenty of other times when you didn’t share my vision.” G: “Yes, and you were right those other times. But, eventually you’re going to be wrong. Call it the law of averages. I just as soon it not be when the biggest giant to ever walk the Earth is headed our way!” - The law of averages? Gabrielle's brilliant.

13) X: “How did it go with Hower?” G: “Not well. Maybe you could kick him around a little bit.” X: “Yeah. No, he might like it.” G: “That’s true. Hmm.” - Their candor here is spot-on. And FUNNY.

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Friday, April 27, 2012

Xena: Season 2, Episode 14: "A Necessary Evil"

I love the shit out of this episode. But first! An update on my life...

Ahem! So, as you know, I was promoted to office manager and assistant to the main partner of the company. The week has been very stressful, because obviously I did not ask for the extra responsibility, and it's a lot. As you also know, on top of this new development, my boss wants to send me to college for executive administration (secretarial school). Now, the main question still on my mind (and I'm sure everyone else's) throughout all of this is: will I still be able to produce as many Xena reviews as before? OR... will I produce more than ever?

I know it doesn't make sense, but there is an old saying that goes something like this, "If you need something done, give the task to someone who has a million things to do (or some shit like that)." The thinking behind this is, a person who has a lot of time and little to do will be more likely to procrastinate, whereas a person who is extremely busy will probably bang that shit out. I know I'm not explaining it as well as I could, but my day was just a fucking mess, and I'm still stressed about it. What happened to my lazy-days receptionist job? Huh? GONE. Nevertheless, I am quite proud of my promotion. Surprised and proud. Now, let's do this.

This episode is awesome. Callisto shines brightly in this episode, brighter here than in anything previous, in my opinion. Hudson Leick nails it. You can tell she loves the character Callisto.

Shit, season 2 is good. It's just one top-notch episode after another. And I thought Season 1 was incredible. The picture quality is starting to improve, too, I think; not that I was complaining before. I've always loved it, but I definitely noticed this episode's keen lighting and tight grain.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) C: "I think you should hear what I have to say. In fact, I’m your only friend right now.” V: “I don’t need or want friends.” C: “Another thing we have in common.” – Where I sort of don't think Callisto's character tells the truth here, I totally believe Velasca.

2) G: “When we were at the village and Xena was talking about Cirra, did you feel anything?” C: “My goodness. Are you trying to figure me out? I’m flattered.” G: “Answer me. Or are you afraid?” – This is so good. I love Gabrielle.

3) C: "My turn.” G: “What?” C: “When I sliced open your husband, how long did it take him to die? [Laughs]” X: “There’s a path out of the mountains- [Gabrielle blows past her] What’s wrong with her?” C: “We played a game of truth or dare and she’s not very good at it.” – This shouldn’t be funny, but it’s fucking hilarious. Callisto is a genius. HL really laughs her ass off.

4) G: “I don’t wanna die.” V: “Hmm. Well, at least you admit it. Strange, but I don’t really wanna kill you.” G: “Go with it.” – Gabrielle says this very seriously, making it even funnier than it would’ve been.

5) V: “Oh, she’s gotta go.” – The way this is said is fucking hilarious.

In honor of Xena's confession to Callisto in front of tens, my favorite song off of Bananarama's True Confessions album (which was my very first cassette tape), "True Confessions:"

In further honor of Xena's confesh, here's my favorite song from Madonna's Confessions on a Dance Floor (because, let's face it; Xena might as well have made that confession on the dance floor):

Speaking of Madonna, Callisto claims that she and Gabrielle played a game of Truth or Dare. Madonna made a documentary called "Truth or Dare" back in the day and now she has a scent named after it, I believe. Anyway, I'm on a roll here, so let's just take a look at my favorite Madona performance from that movie (or ever) to close:

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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Xena: Season 2, Episode 13: "The Quest"

Gang, big changes in my life these past couple of weeks. I've now been promoted (on my 4th day at my new job) to office manager and administrative assistant to the main partner of my company. They are sending me to school for further training and footing the bill. Can you believe that shit? Now, the big question is, WILL my Xena posts lessen or become more frequent? Only time will tell.

Ok, let's just get this out of the way right now: The woman who played Velasca (Melinda Clarke) is the same actress who played what's-her-face's mother on the O.C. She was as magnificent on that show as she was on Xena. Yes, she got her start on Xena: Warrior Princess. Is it any wonder that she achieved such fame afterward? No.

[SERIES SPOILER] Other goodies are coming our way further in the series in the way of random celebrity appearances. The most infamous one takes place in season 5, I believe. [END SPOILER]

And now, Xena's "The Quest"... not to be confused with the 80s movie by the same name.

Immediately, the first thing everyone thinks of when summoning this episode is that kiss. MAN... I remember being… blindsided by this kiss. I recall watching it at home (maybe I was 18) and being just shocked. And elated that this show would have the balls to do something like that. I couldn't believe it. Xena doesn’t fuck around.

Upon my initial write-up of this review, I gave the episode seven stars. I might come back and change it to eight. We’ll see.

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EXTRAS:

1) V: “Gabrielle. Princess. A word with you, please.” – Love how she says this.

2) G: "Prepare the ceremonial pyre. Xena will have an Amazon funeral. I’ll take her ashes to Amphipolis, and I’ll return to rule as Queen.” - I’ve never seen Gabrielle look more beautiful.

3) A: “Gabrielle, Xena’s inside me. Her mind, her soul, her essence - whatever. It’s in here with me and she wants me to steal her body.” X: “Ah, that’s so pathetic.” G: “You’re so pathetic.” – This is fucking hilaAarious.

4) G: “Autolycus, what is going on? Why is Xena in your mind?” A: “Oh-ho, now you believe me. Ow! Does she work out for those stunts?” G: “Where is she?” A: “I-I don’t know. Stop that.” – I love how eager Gabrielle is to know. She’s touching Autolycus and investigating him with the curiosity of a cat.

5) X: “Autolycus, I’m going to speak through you. Give me control.” A: “No, wait. We have an agreement. I have a right- Yes, Gabrielle, it’s me." – I love how she doesn’t wait for his consent.

6) A: “Well, I.. hope you two worked things out.” G: “We did. Thank you. I mean that.”

7) V: “It’s not whether you die; it’s how you die that counts. Let me tell you something about myself. I like pain. I like what it does to people, and I like what it makes people do. And I’m not bragging. I’m just explaining.” – God.

8) A: “Well, my lockpick’s in my other shirt. If only I had just a small, sort of um.. Would you put that hand right there? And that hand there? Now, don’t worry, this is business, not pleasure. Well, mostly business. Huh-ha-ha. Hold it.” – I love that this happens. Thank you, whoever wrote this.

9) X: “Despite all your bluster and bravado, Autolycus, you’re a nice person. I knew I could trust you. I always will.” - Awwww.

10) G: “You know, for a few moments, I knew what it was like to be you.” X: “And?” G: “It was warm, friendly, loving-” X: “Gabrielle, it was a fight.” G: “I felt protected.”- If you really think about what she's saying, that's pretty intense.

Steve Martin's body under the control of Lily Tomlin in All of Me:

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Saturday, April 21, 2012

Xena: Season 2, Episode 12: "Destiny"

OK, so, as you can see, a few days have passed since I last.. you know, posted. There have been some rather huge developments. I've:

1) Filed my taxes and am proud to say that I owe nothing and am receiving a $42 refund, making me the richest woman in all of Brooklyn.

2) Renewed my lease for another year. I seriously checked the box that said, "I am moving out May 31st," and mailed that shit in. Then my landlord called me and said, "are you sure?" I don't know what happened, but right then something clicked and I said, "no, I'm not. Please sign me up for another year." And the rest is history.

3) I quit my job on Monday, because I found a better job that started Tuesday, but my old boss doesn't know that. My old boss would monitor every single thing we did, including watching us through surveillance cameras and viewing the websites we visited. Of course, I checked Hey, Girl once or twice to scan for mistakes. My boss said a few things once that made me realize that he visited and read this blog, probably out of fear that I was blogging instead of working. (For the record, that never occurred.)

The week before I quit, I called in sick one day, went on an interview for this... awesome new job that gives me full benefits, much higher pay, and less work. They hired me the next day. Out of a very real fear that my old boss wouldn't pay me because I couldn't give him two weeks notice, I quit my job Monday night after I got paid and cashed my check. I feel terrible for quitting the way I did (I've never done that before in my life), but in my defense, my boss was asking for it.

Now. Where's the beef?

So, as you may know, "Destiny" is one half of a two-parter. (Part 2 is "The Quest.") If you've been keeping up with my stuff, then you'll remember my policy on two-parters: I watch them consecutively, no matter what. No matter if it's 4:00 AM on a work day, I'm late for a baptism, I'm being kicked out of my house, or my electricity just got shut off and I have to go to someone's house to complete the job. If it's "to be continued" then I'm continuing as directed.

I was wondering when the one where Xena gets smashed by a tree would be coming, and here it is, in “Destiny.” Man, this episode is loaded. It’s so good. I love episodes where we learn about Xena’s past and this episode is chock full of it. We find out what her beef is with Caesar, that she’s toootally been crucified (and had her legs broken? Geez.) and most importantly, where she learned the pinch. This shit is gooood, girl.

With this ep, we have a little bit more info on Xena's age. The story goes: TEN years ago, this thing with Caesar happened. We see at that time, that Xena already made a name for herself, having just defended Amphipolis and built a powerful army. She couldn’t have been any younger than about 17 or 18 at that time, right? (Maybe she was older, even.) I think that makes her 27 or 28 in the current parts of the episode. And how old is Gabrielle? Callisto, herself, looks like just a kid of about 9 in the battle at Cirra. My guess is Gabrielle must’ve been about 7 years old when Caesar, M'Lila and Xena's crucifixion happened. Age gaps. AWEsome.

There's some serious subtext going on in this episode; not so much in the way of sex, but in the way of feelings, I guess. For instance, let's consider Gabrielle's thoughts to Xena at the end of the episode, beautiful as they are. I try to imagine my best friend and I in this same situation. I don't know if these are the thoughts I would be having, if I knew that she was dead and could hear me. I don't know if the thought, "I need you," would go through my head. Perhaps, "No! No! Don't die, girl!" but not, "Remember your destiny. I know I'm a part of it. Don't die, because I need you, and I can't go on without you." Don't get me wrong, I love my best friend dearly, but.. you know?... I would say, "I need you" to the love of my life, for sure. Probably. More than likely.

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EXTRAS:

1) G: “So this is Cirra. It’s beautiful.” (Love how she says this while standing next to a human skull.) X: “To me, it’s the ugliest place on Earth.” - Pretty deep, Z.

2) C: “Divide and conquer, my friend. You divide a woman’s emotion from her sensibilities and you have her.” – Did Julius Caesar actually say this? God. I wish I had the drive to fact-check it.

3) C: “Of course. Each event in our life is part of a great plan. There are no accidents. Only destiny.” X: “And who shapes this destiny? The gods?” C: “Perhaps. Or it’s the blood in our veins, our souls, our desires, our will. They’re all in it together, weaving a tapestry we call ‘destiny.’” - Despite the fact that Caesar is an utter bastard in Xena, what he says here is amazing.

4) X: "Ask her why she saved me?” (He asks M'Lila; M'Lila answers him.) N: “She says it’s not your time to die.” X: “Well, if not now, then when?” – Veeery nice pacing from this question 10 years ago to Xena’s current situation at the hands of an older Niklio. Right after she asks, "when," the director takes us to that when. It was very good, this.

5) M: “You have a destiny, Xena. But you have to choose it.” X: “I did choose it. I chose evil.” M: “Now that you know evil, were evil, you can fight evil." - It takes one to know one. I agree with this. This show...

6) After M’Lila dies and Xena’s music starts, I got the chills.

7) That guy getting his face burned off was fucked up.

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