Xena: Season 6, Episode 13: "You Are There"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

“The Real World: BC” 

Heeee! This is another amazeballs reality TV episode, probably most def inspired by "A Day in the Life." Here we go:

Obviously, honestly completely forgot Ares and Aphrodite were in this, much less that they become gods again. I'm so glad. 

Watched this at my parents' house during COVID-19 with the new Xena DVD set I just bought for this purpose (quality is surprisingly subpar). I forgot to bring my other set! So, forgive me if my review is despondent and weird. I'm trying my best! 

Here is the OVERFLOW OF MY "LOVED:"

• Michael Hurst fixing his hair and glasses  
• Xena's face when she throws the Valkyrie down the stairs 
• Xena getting interrogated by Michael Hurst 
• That Odin loses his shit in a Jerry Springer way during his interview 
• Michael correcting Nigel that he's an archangel and not just an angel 
• Ares topless again. I'll never tire of this
• Ares laughing at Nigel 
• Nigel smiling and chewing on his glasses while watching Xena and Ares' kissing footage 
• Xena knocking that guy onto the food table 
• Xena kicking Odin in the butt, always 
• Ares becoming a god again 

Here is the OVERFLOW OF MY "EPISODE NOTES:"

• Excellent Valkyrie stunts when they're hoisted out of the bar  
• Watching the episode a second time, you catch things you didn't see before, such as the townspeople (Vikings) just hanging out chatting outside the bar 
• Noticing more and more that Gabrielle's eyes are blue 
• Yay! They went back to Ares' farm! 
• When Nigel falls from Heaven, you can clearly see he just laid on the ground with smoke all around him for the falling effect
• I love that Lucifer walks away when Nigel says he's on a journalistic investigation 
• A descrepancy with the script: Gabrielle does know the pinch, Xena taught it to her in "The Haunting of Amphipolis"
• Nigel running up to Valhalla with Aphrodite is a scene a lot like war journalism. I love that they kind of explore all of these documentarian approaches in this episode
• How did Nigel not know that Grinhilda was the person in the cape until her final interview? She was the only person wearing a cape like that 
• OK, I have never liked Eve has as much as I do in this episode. Hoooollyyyy SHIT, she's so fucking funny. She has to be physically held back when talking to Nigel, just like Xena during her interview. She even lands a punch. So gd funny. I could go on about this, because I think it's the writer's/director's critique on religion, especially Christianity 
• Chris Black wrote just one other Xena episode: Season 5’s fantabulous "Amphipolis under Siege" 

And finally, regarding my nephews’ stash of personal sized Famous Amous Chocolate Chip Cookies: I am not a monster, but I am at my parents house in the middle of a pandemic and the boys are nowhere in sight. I admit to eating all their shit that my parents usually keep in stock for them, including the cookies and all tiers of Lunchables.  

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: "Well, I don't wanna make a sister Valkyrie look bad, but you're gonna have trouble following those orders." Valkyrie: "Think so?" X: "Mm-hmm." — The way Xena says "Mm–hmm" here... 

2) Nigel: "Here's Xena now. I think we're just gonna go over and talk to her. Excuse me, coming through. Oh! Sorry, Valkyries." 

 

3) Nigel: "Xena, Warrior Princess. To many, she's seen as a savior a protector of the downtrodden and the innocent. Others, however see her as nothing more than a butcher, her hands stained with the blood of hundreds - no - thousands of innocent people. Which is it? Tonight we put that question to the legendary woman herself." — The way he says, "Which is it?" is so fucking funny. He is having the time of his life playing this reporter. 

 

4) G: "Hey! Watch where you put your hands!" Crewman: "We're set. Roll sound." X: "Yeah, you watch where you put your hands, buddy." — Hahahha, this part.

 

5) Nigel: "Xena, welcome. And also with us this evening, Gabrielle, the battling bard of Poteidaea, Xena's constant traveling companion, and the chronicler of her deeds. Glad you could make it." G: "Uh, thank you. It's, um, it's good to be here." — Looooll 

 

6) Nigel: "Xena, first to you. You don't have exactly the greatest reputation here among the Norseman. As a Valkyrie, you used Odin's runes to visit a reign of terror on the people of this land." G: "Everyone's seen the tapestry." X: "Uh, that was a long time ago." — Lololol! This is supposed to be like "Everyone saw the tape?" 

 

7) Nigel: "And what about the Olympian gods? You destroyed them also, didn't you?" X: "Not all of them, no." G: "Oh, see, they were they were trying to kill her daughter." X: "Right." 

 

8) Charron: "Raw numbers? Nah, she's a drop in the bucket. But Xena has sent me some pretty heavy hitters: Ilainus of Mycenae, Velasca, Mark Antony, Calisto, you can even make a case for Caesar, himself. You see, these people do not lose their mortal coils without a fight." 

 

9) Caligula: "Is this gonna take long? You know [Caligula, Former Emperor of Rome,  Deceased], because I've been waiting for this stupid barge forever. That boatman? I've been bumped twice already. Peon! Damned arrogant ass! Doesn't know who I am." — Once again, hilarious appearance by Alexis Arquette.  

10) Caligula: "Xena? You just wanna ask me about Xena? Fine, I'll tell you. She's a snake! A treacherous deceiver, like the rest of her sex. Never turn your back on her. She and that bard of hers? Yeah, like we don't know what's goin' on there, huh?" — This just needs to go on record. Thank you, lord.

 

11) Caligula: "Look, I've spilled enough blood in my day to know why anyone does it. It's the scent of it, the taste, the thrill! Xena's no different! I'll show you. Hey, you, there, who killed you?" Man: "You did, beggin' your pardon, I think you were drunk. You slit me open from here to-" Caligula: "-Uh, ba, ba, ba!" — Hahahaha

 

12) Caligula: "Xena's evil! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! I was a god! A living god and that bitch took me out." Charron: "All right. Oh there's one more thing I'd like to say. At least Xena pays her fare unlike another so-called superhero I know, more like super-cheapskate. That's right I'm talkin' about you, Hercules. Grrr Hercules." Nigel: "'I was a god, a living god, and that bitch took me out.'" — When MH quotes this? Hilarious. And love that they diss Hercules here, because fuck him.

 

13) Nigel: "You claim to have masked your identity in a magic cloak of invisibility. But isn't it true that only Odin himself knows the mystic runes whereby he can make himself invisible?" Odin's voice: "Damn it." — Hahahha!

 

14) Nigel: "But surely Ares and Xena have an adversarial history." Odin: "You buy that, do you? Huh? You would. Did you ever stop and think why Xena didn't kill Ares when she had a chance? Hm? It's because she's got a thing for him! She's always had a thing for him!" —The way Odin says "you would" is so fucking funny. That he even says it at all. 

 

15) Nigel: "But there was one other person who could shed some light on the twisted codependent relationship between the warrior princess and the god of war." (Knocking on Ares' door in the sticks) Ares: "Go away. I said get lost!" Nigel: "There's definitely somebody in there. I'm gonna keep trying." — Nigel is hilarious, omg.

  

16) Nigel to Ares: "Are you saying that there are other gods who survived Xena's attack?" X  Yells from Inside the House: "Yo! Ares!" Nigel: "Wait a minute. Who's that? Can I, I think we should-" (Worms his way into Ares' house.) Ares: "Hey, hey, hey!" Nigel: "I'm gonna go in here just go, um-" Ares: "Hey! This is private property!" 

 

17) Nigel: "Hello. I'm here in Hell and I'm about to do what no other reporter has ever done before. I'm going to interview Lucifer." — Loool

 

18) Lucifer: "What are you doing here anyway? Are you one of mine?" — The most delicious line ever. 

 

19) Nigel: "Then you believe the word of Xena is not to be trusted." Lucifer: "She's a lying sack! I only wish I could get her down here mete out some serious everlasting punishment." — Every word out of lucifer’s mouth is gold. Seriously, I had a hard time deciding not to just post the whole transcript of his appearance.

 

20) Lucifer: "You know, you're a real pain. I can't wait to get you down here." Nigel: "With respect, sir that's not going to happen. You see, I'm not a murdering warlord, no, no, no. I'm an award–winning investigative journalist. I'm a member of the fifth estate." Lucifer: "Like I said I can't wait to get my claws into you." — This...is so fucking funny, and I’m sure any investigative journalist who watched this, howled. 

 

21) Nigel: "Why is Xena trying to steal the golden apples? And why is she shacked up with Ares? Did you know that? That's the same Ares that killed Eli while your mother stood by and did nothing." Eve: "You want to know about my mother? I will tell you about my mother!" Nigel: "Keep shooting." Eve: "Ugh, you little [shit]! If my mother is with Ares, you can bet she's got a pretty [fucking] good reason!" Nigel: "Are you still jealous that Ares was obsessed with your mother the entire time he was sleeping with you?" Eve: "You [fucking] brat!" Nigel: "Hey, get off! Get off me!" Eve: "Stay the hell away from my mother! You stay the [fuck] away from me, or I will kick your [fucking ass]!" Nigel: "Not the kind of words you'd expect to hear from Eve, the messenger of Eli. Whatever happened to walking the path of light, Eve?!" Eve: "[Fuck] off!" — Lololol!

 

22) Nigel: "Come on, Gabrielle. I know that Xena is more to you than just a friend." G: "OK you're right. She's she's my best friend." — :")

 

23) Nigel: "What would you say, Gabrielle, if I told you that not too long ago, I found your friend, Xena, in a tumbledown little love shack at the edge of town in the arms of Ares?" — This is very Jerry Springer and very funny.

24) X: "If you've done your research, you'll know that I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You got 30 seconds to listen to what I have to say. Do you understand? Understand? You wanna know if I love Gabrielle. Well, let me ask you a question. Do you love anybody? Do you love your wife? Do you love your dog? Do you love yourself? Is there anyone in this world that you love with all your heart? No, there isn't, is there? Because you can't love. None of us can. The world has lost the greatest gift the gods ever gave us, and I'm gonna get it back. Now, that's your story. You hear me, Odin? I'm comin' for you!" — This whole line is amaaaazing. I didn't see this plot twist coming.

 

25) Nigel: "A world without love, a world where the skills of the delicious goddess no longer lift us to heights of almost intolerable pleasure." — OMG this is a fucking funny line. They keep coming one after the other. This episode is a gift.

 

26) Madam: "Well, what'll it be tonight? We're running a special on a little number we call 'Thor's Hammer,' or, for a bit extra, you can get 'The ride of the Valkyries.'" — ...

 

27) Nigel: "So you would say, then that there has been no sudden shortage of love in the world." Madam: "Oh, I didn't say that, now." Nigel: "You did say business _was_ booming." Madam [Laughs]: "My business has never been about love! If these boys were looking for love they'd be wooing their sweethearts or at home with their wives. The less love I have to deal with, the fatter my purse." — I love the inclusion of this. It sort of a dive into what it’s like to have a murderous personality disorder. 

 

28) Madam: "Calling number 27! One Thor's Hammer! It'll make you feel like the god of thunder!" Ares: "27! You! I got 27!" Nigel: "Ares, the former god of war!" Ares: "No, I'm not!" Nigel: "Uh-" Ares: "Crap!" Nigel: "We found Ares, the former god of war, half–naked and stinking of booze in a bordello!" Ares: "I'm tryin' to get laid! I'm not a criminal!" — Hahaha!!

 

29) Nigel: "All right. Here's what I'll do. I'll mention each god by name and then I will count 5 seconds. If, within that period, you fail to respond, I'll assume the answer is yes. Understand?" Grinhilda: "5 seconds. What?" — Lololol 

 

30) Nigel: "OK, I'm counting. Right. Hades, 1-hippopotamus, 2-hippopotamus, 3-hippopotamus, 4-" Grinhilda: "Forget it. I don't have time for this." — They didn't have to put this in. It's a subtle, little funny thing, but they included it and rode it to town and it's so, so funny.

 

31) Aphrodite: "Oh! Well when I left Olympus, the world was full of my love, but with me no longer there to replenish it, it's just faded away, squandered by those who failed to see how precious it was and spurned by others who thought they didn't need it, and now it's all gone poof." Nigel: "Poof, indeed." — I'm surprised Aphrodite didn't get as much airtime in this episode. It was all about her after all. 

 

32) Nigel: "We're here, before the walls of Valhalla. Xena entered just minutes ago. You can hear the sounds of an epic struggle as Xena possibly the greatest human warrior in the history of the world battles with Odin king of the Norse gods." — I like to always include a quote of someone talking about how strong of a warrior Xena is.

33) X: "Give this apple to Aphrodite and bring love back into the world, that's a novel and very unselfish idea. No, it's not something that the Xena you know would do." Nigel: "Well, maybe before, I was reporting on the wrong Xena, Xena." X: "Maybe " — Love how she says Maybe.

 

34) Ares: "I guess you know I'll never stop trying." X: "I'd expect nothing less." — Poignant...I love Ares so much, that I always kind of want him and Xena to end up together, and then I remember what the meat is. 

 

35) Nigel: "When Ares was expelled from Olympus, that must have made your job a lot easier. Why did Xena send him back?" X: "You know why? Because, well, you can't have love without hate. You can't have peace without violence, and you certainly can't have forgiveness without anger. I knew I couldn't just send Aphrodite back to Olympus without Ares. It would have thrown the whole world out of balance." — I like what she's doing here, but is Ares really the god of hate? Maybe he is...Maybe he is.

 

36) Ares: "Do I think she did it because of how she feels about me. No. I mean don't get me wrong. I mean, there were sparks. I mean, you could see that, right? Yeah. But no she pretty much did it for the same reason she always does, redeeming herself for her evil past: 'Oh, I killed so many people! The pain, the pain,' you know. But my offer, it was genuine. I mean, there is a place for her here. It's not what it used to be, though. OK, Chuckles, let's cut it! OK?! Outta here! Do not make me zap you!" — Poetry in motion.

Listened to this song the day I watched this episode. It doesn't really fit the scope of the ep, or does it. 

Xena: Season 6, Episode 09: "Return of the Valkyrie"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"The Valkyrie Trilogy, Part 3: Sleeping Beauty"

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

I remember when I first saw this episode in 2009. I hadn’t any previous knowledge of what I was getting myself into and was just stunned by the kiss. I was in total disbelief that they'd done that, and that I managed to not hear a word about it for nine years. I still can't believe it. The way Xena looks at Gabrielle there… I don’t know how they got away with that. 

The embodiment of surreal is Xena and Gabrielle staring at each other after the kiss. I was like, “What the fuck am I watching??” What WOMEN have stared at each other like this, even now?

They totally beat Maleficent (2014) to the punch, btw. Just sayin'.

FYI, this is another Emily Skopov ep. Remember her last one was “Heart of Darkness” and we all know what that was about...

Some Hot Takes:

• GOD DAMMIT Gabrielle is so fucking hot in this. I don’t think I’ve seen anything so darkly sexy as Gabrielle lain out on that rock in that dress with her beautiful long hair that she can't cut.
• Can we just discuss how awesome it is that Xena only had ring flashbacks in front of Beowulf, because she was getting married and it was the first time since she'd had amnesia that she put a ring on herself and someone else?
• Wiglaf is probably wearing a wig. 
• I do love Xena jumping through the fire. Should probably include that in my "Loved" section.
• When the guards block Xena with their spears, they make an X. 
• If Gabrielle could walk so easily to watch Xena give the Rheingold back to the Rhein Maidens, why did Xena have to swim to get there?
• Sleeping Beauty references: the ravens, roses and vines hardcore, and even the chakram as the enchanted sword that cuts through everything. And of course Gabrielle herself, who’s dressed like Sleeping Beauty. 
• P.S. for subtext: in Sleeping Beauty, it's "true love's kiss" that awakens Aurora.
• I am so mad how weird the kiss looked because of the green screen. It doesn’t look like Xena. It only looks like her as she’s pulling away. How the below picture exists, I have no idea. They must've taken a publicity photo and thank god they did, because it is not this clear on the DVD. Either that, or this was the original footage before they CGI'ed-in the fire.
  

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

 CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Beowulf: "What conquest are you people celebrating?" Dude: "The conquest of King Hrothgar's heart, sir. He's marrying the noble and fair Wealthea." Beowulf: "Hm, thank you." Wiglaf: "Wealthea, that's not a Norse name." Beowulf: "Hm." Wiglaf: "I wonder what it means." Beowulf: "My guess would be that it's uh, Celtic or... warrior princess." – Excellent. Loved this.

2) Priest: "Make you vows." Hrothgar: "Wealthea, I make the Viking pledge of eternal love and devotion." X/Wealthea: "I'm sorry. I, uh.." Hrothgar: "You're overcome with joy." X/Wealthea: "Yes, I'm overcome." Beowulf: "It was the ring. It's the ring that's changed her." – Much enjoy Lucy Lawless portraying a Xena who's lost her memory. And interesting to consider that Beowulf, up until this point, probably thought Xena was dead.

3) X/Wealthea: "Oh, I am the luckiest woman in Denmark!" – I scream this all the time in the streets of New York.

4) Waltraute: "If they died in pursuit of the ring, I'd understand, but to spill their blood for the ordinary woman who lays entrapped beside it.." Sieglinda: "Our sister Brunhilda turned herself to flame to protect that Gabrielle. Perhaps she's not so ordinary. And Xena seems to care a great deal for her, too." Waltraute: "You speak the name of that conniving bitch in the presence of heroes? Thank the gods she's dead and fed to the fishes." – Woah, watch it Sieglinda!! There's no bff loyalty in Odin's house!

5) Hrothgar: "I've waited so long to make you truly mine." X/Wealthea: "I know, Hrothgar. Yes, and you know that I have been devoted to you since you pulled me from the icy waters, but would it be so very hard to wait just a few more hours?" Hrothgar: "I would wait even longer if I thought I had your heart as well." X/Wealthea: "Yes, but- Hrothgar, my husb- husband. Hrothgar! No. You- our union has given me a new purpose. You have always known that my priorities are different than other women's." Hrothgar: "You are a Viking queen. Your priorities are as your master decides." – Gross, but hey a Viking queen!

6) X/Wealthea: "Come in, my lord. You wish to play a game, master?” – What the fuck.. is happening.

7) Beowulf: "Xena, your life is in danger. When Odin learns you are alive, he will kill you and Gabrielle will never be saved." X/Wealthea: "Gabrielle?" – I live for this shit.

8) X: "What's the matter with your men? They look like they've seen a ghost." Wiglaf: "No, not a ghost, a legend." – I can't fully relay how much I love this.

9) Wiglaf: "All these men can talk of is a chance to see you in action. To tell you the truth, I'm-" Beowulf: "-about to go and polish your blade. Is that right, Wiglaf?" – Is this a fucking jackoff joke??

10) X: "I thought he loved me and now you tell me that this name 'Wealthea' is not even my own." Beowulf: "You are Xena." X: "I could have done so much good for the Viking people." Beowulf: "The Xena I remember could do more good with this sword than a than a hundred Viking queens could ever do. And the Xena I remember could never forget what happened in that swamp, the face of Gabrielle, the most loyal friend in the world." X: "I remember none of these things." Beowulf: "You may not remember them, but they are inside you." – Yeah, I'm just going to include all talk of Gabrielle to Xena without commentary.

11) X: "Are you a demon? Or my own mind made mad?" Vision of G: "I am the truth of who you are. Our souls are united, Xena." Beowulf: "Xena? Xena, are you all right?" X: "Yes. This Gabrielle truly loved Xena, didn't she?" Beowulf: "And will till the end of time. Gabrielle saved you from what you were as you must now save her." – This is so sexy. Xena is scared to death of herself. Not to get deep or anything, but her reactions to her visions of Gabrielle are a commentary on how frightening and intense love is.

12) Beowulf: "We're in Grinhilda's domain." X: "Beowulf, if I'm not the one-" Beowulf: "You are. Brunhilda's flame will recognize you as Gabrielle's soulmate."

13) Waltraute: "It makes me sick to see you've grown so soft." X: "Softness and weakness are two different things. I have no quarrel with you. I'm here only for Gabrielle!" Waltraute: "You sound like one of those pathetic lovesick boys who burned themselves to a crisp." – Subtext.

14) G: "Xena." X: "Oh, Gabrielle." G: "I dreamed you'd come back for me." X: "It was like I was in a dream, too. I forgot everything. But even though I didn't remember you, I felt your presence and knew that I would never be complete unless those shadows were brought into the light.” – I think the placement of this dialogue is off. Beowulf is literally dying feet away from Xena. There's a fucking tree monster trying to kill her with no flame to stop it this time. Would have been better suited to the horse ride or somewhere thereafter.

15) X: "Beowulf, I'll always be indebted to you for bringing me back here." Beowulf: "Hey, I needed the best. The legends didn't lie, Xena, you are the greatest warrior I've ever known." X: "Thank you, friend." – In case you weren't listening, that's Beowulf telling the world that Xena's the GOAT.

16) G: "You have a good heart, Beowulf. If it weren't for you, I'd still be in Brunhilda's flame." Beowulf: "I think we both know Xena would have found you eventually."

17) G: "Thank you, Brunhilda." Brunhilda: "Godspeed, Gabrielle." – Fucking haaate this part. Would’ve been more effective if Brunhilda’d said nothing. She was dead.

18) Odin: "What do you want?" Grinhilda: "Return me to my position as chief of the Valkyries." X: "She'll teach them a nobler use for their powers, Odin." Odin: "I'll think about it." X: "Don't think too long." – Classic Xena!

19) X: "35 years ago. The shame of it makes if feel like it was yesterday." G: "Memories are powerful, Xena. I'm so thankful that yours brought you back to me."

So like this is the scene from Aliens (1986), obviously recreated in this episode when Grinhilda stabs Bey. Grinhilda even looks like the alien.

Listened to this this day.

Xena: Season 6, Episode 08: "The Ring"

Alternative Title:

"The Valkyrie Trilogy, Part 2: The Death of Grindl Loggins"

Xena: “AaAAaaAhhH!” Grindl: “RraAArrRaarararrr!!” 

This is my second nine, the first being the previous season for "Fallen Angel." I waffled between a nine and eight, finally making one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my entire adult life. I might change my rating, but right now this is me. This is how I feel.

The addition of Joel Metzger as a staff writer this late in the series is interesting. He didn’t come from Hercules. This is his first standalone ep of Xena, and he has several more coming up, yet he didn't know the show when he was given the job. This episode's so good, so I'm deeply curious and fascinated. 

Also, this is long-term director Rick Jacobson's last episode. GREAT SIGN-OFF.

Brunhilda literally goes after Gabrielle here, willy-nilly. It’s all out in the open... Man, everyone falls in love with Gabrielle!

As if we needed more confirmation that this arc is about Xena and Gabrielle being in a relationship, the love rule about the ring is as such: It applies to romantic love, not friendly or family love. Romantic love. Otherwise, Grunhilda’s son Grindl wouldn’t have been able to wear the ring. 

This should really be in my notes, but OMG, after like three viewings of this episode, it finally hit me: Brunhilda turned herself into an eternal flame, just like Odin was trying to show Xena she could do in the previous episode. Self-sacrifice. I thought it was just a random joke.

One thing (out of many) I love about this episode is the long fight scene that slowly turns fascinating, where Grindl is kicking Xena’s ass. He's almost killing her and the way Xena then finally figures out how to kill him is chilling. (This happens to a similar extent in the previous episode, before she gets kidnapped.) Just... I don’t remember Xena ever getting the shit beat out of her to the point where she’s so desperate she’s howling. Loved it.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

  CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Beowulf: "We're deep in Grindl territory." Brunhilda: "The chances of finding her are getting less and less." G: "Then we pick up the pace." Brunhilda: "What I'm trying to say is, don't get your hopes up, Gabrielle." G: "I'm not relying on hope. Xena's tough to kill." – I love Gabrielle’s resolve that Xena’s a badass.

2) G: "Xena is alive.” – Praise the sun!

3) Brunhilda: "Xena, I have waited my entire life to meet you." X: "If I knew I had a fan coming, I would have combed my hair." – Hahaha! Oooh, Xena!

4) X: "I've learned to respect life, love, and peace." Brunhilda: "Why? What happened?" X and G share a long look: "Lots of reasons." – This is where Brunhilda sees that Xena does indeed feel the same for Gabrielle.

5) X: “You two should go. Live to fight another day. This is my battle." G: "Our battle." Brunhilda: "I won't leave Gabrielle." Beowulf: "Neither will I." – Dude, Gabrielle’s got the Midas touch, but instead of gold she turns everyone into hard-ons.

6) Beowulf: "So, what's your plan?" X: "I'm going to lure Grindl in here. When she's in position, I want you bring the mountain down on her head." G: "Her? What is this Grindl?" – Hahaha! I love how Gabrielle just doesn’t have the fucking time for Grindl.

7) X: "[The ring] is no use to you. You know what the runes say unless you have forsaken love the power of the ring will destroy what you value most." Grinhilda: "The runes also say that anyone who puts on the ring has a surge of godlike strength before the destructive power kicks in." – The rules of the ring explained.

8) Beowulf: "You mean, this monster that's been killing my people is actually Grinhilda the Valkyrie?" Brunhilda: "Then why didn't you just use the ring to kill her?" X: "Killing her would have been kind compared to what I had in mind for her. As fearsome as she was in her new form she knew that she was no match for me with the ring. She fled." – I love talk of how bad Xena used to be. This conversation is like delicious hors d’ouevres.

9) X: "I knew that the power of the ring would be useless to her unless-" G: "-she learned to forsake love." X: "That's right.” – The way X looks and G and says this is so good, omg.

10) X: "Come and get some.” – Xena loooves to say this. She says it in "A Family Affair," also to a monster.

11) X: “Stay here!" G: "Xena, no! Xena!" X: "I thought I told you not to come in here!" G: "I never listen!" – hahahaha

12) Brunhilda to G: "You know, before I met you, I never thought of a warrior as having any love but the love of battle." X: "I'm gonna tend to this. Brunhilda, could you scout up ahead? See what's over that ridge? Thank you. [Bh leaves. X turns to G] I don't like her." – Hahahaha!

13) Odin: "The plan was once Xena had the ring you were to attack her in a wakened state and take it!" Brunhilda: "Yes, but there were complications." Odin: "Complications. My ravens they tell me you've fallen in love with her partner. Is it possible you thought that killing Xena would kill any chance you had with Gabrielle?" – Oh my god, this is blatant. It's probably the most spelled-out lesbian thing on Xena I’ve seen (so far).

14) Odin: “Xena has the power to kill gods. She's also capable of taking out her share of Valkyrie. But she has a weakness her partner Gabrielle. Capture her and the ring is ours." – ...
 
15) X: "You've come for the ring." Odin: "And you want your friend. May I suggest a trade?" X: "A trade." Odin: "Hm." X: "No, I saw your faces when Brunhilda carried Gabrielle off. You were as surprised as I am. She's acting alone." Odin: "Hahaha. You killed Grinhilda's son." X: "Her son?" Odin: "Yes she was with child when you caged her.” – Here’s something fucked up that no one talks about again.

16) X: "You want that ring for yourself." Odin: "Yes, it ensures my power against other gods and god-slayers like you." X: "Have you forsaken love?" Odi: "After you it wasn't very hard." X: "Then I'd be a fool to give it to you." – Love this writing.

17) G: "What are you doing?" Brunhilda: "Odin and the others were gonna kill you for the ring." G: "We left Xena to fight them all." Brunhilda: "Is Xena all you think about?" G: "Sh- Xena is my family. She's the most important thing in my life." Brunhilda: "All right, Gabrielle, listen to me. I bring to Valhalla the bravest warriors slain in battle - heroes. But your heart has more truth and courage than any that I've seen. The beauty inside you burns like a star, Gabrielle. I was supposed to betray you and Xena but I couldn't, not now. You've changed me. You've opened my eyes and you've change me the way you changed Xena." G: "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry." [She walks away] Brunhilda: "I defied my god for you, Gabrielle!" – This whole convo. "Is Xena all you think about?" Fuck, this conversationnn!! Gabrielle’s face is there is sheer surprise. Brunhilda is accidentally making Gabrielle face some things about the way she feels about Xena, that she didn't even realize were on deck.

18) G: "Xena and I have a connection. It's stronger than either one of us. We're soul mates." Brunhilda: "My love is strong. I can feel it!" G: "I am trying to tell you that Xena and I are meant to be together. We didn't make it that way. It just is." Xena in the distance: "Gabrieeeelle!" G: "Xena!" Brunhilda: "I can see your heart lies with Xena, but I'll prove to you which one of us deserves your love." – This is painful to watch. We know how Brunhilda feels.

19) G: "Brunhilda you can't win. Listen to me. This is wrong. Can we just let's just talk about this!" Brunhilda: "Get back." [Fight] G: "Xena." Brunhilda: "They're gonna kill her before I get a chance to prove my love for you." G: "What are you fighting for? You want to win my love? You're going to shed blood for what? For me? You call that love? You're sick." – This is kind of mean from Gabrielle, but good for her.

20) Brunhilda: "Xena. Odin will bring all of his forces upon Gabrielle until you give up that ring. You have to trust me. It's the.. you've put the ring on your finger. But Xena, you haven't forsaken love. Take it off!" X: "I don't know what you're talking about." Brunhilda: "The curse is already working." X: "I don't know how I got here. What's my name? What's my name?" Brunhilda: "You've lost your memory, your sense of self. What about Gabrielle?" X: "I don't know her." Brunhilda: "Xena, give me the ring." X: "Why does everybody want my ring?" Brunhilda: "Xena, give me the ring and everybody will leave you alone. [Xena gives her the ring.] Thank you." – Love this simple writing, that they didn't make a big deal out of it, and nice touch that a memoryless Xena would think the ring is hers.. And Brunhilda does a really good thing here. She's so sincere, Xena gives her the ring with no fight.

21) Brunhilda: "Gabrielle." G: "Brunhilda, I am going to find Xena." Brunhilda: "Xena won't know you." G: "Won't know- won't know me? [laughs nonsensically] What are you talking about?" Brunhilda: "She put on the ring." G: "No." Brunhilda: "And she lost what she values most: you. The memories of you and the woman that you helped her to become." G: "No." Brunhilda: "Here. This ring is too powerful to fall into undeserving hands and so are you. But I can't protect in this form, not from Odin, and he and Grinhilda will stop at nothing. They'll kill everything associated with Xena." G: "In this form?" Brunhilda: "I'll become an eternal flame for you. Only your true soulmate will be able to pass through the fire. You'll be safe. [Says magic words and turns into a fire, circling Gabrielle] See, Gabrielle? You have changed me." – This exchange makes the episode. It made me wonder what the heck I'd just been watching and bumped this episode up to a nine. Brunhilda is so diplomatic telling Gabrielle that Xena won't remember her, which is heartbreaking. Then she casually comes up with this plan... It's gorgeous.

This is obvious, so I won't fight it. I bet they listened to this in a loop on set. 

I listened to this song this day. It fits, because Xena puts the ring on twice in this episode, and light flows through her, hotly. The truth the first time was that she loved no one, so the ring didn't hurt her. The truth the second time was that she loved Gabrielle. The ring hurt her that time, didn't it.

Xena: Season 6, Episode 07: "The Rheingold"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"The Valkyrie Trilogy, Part 1: Beowulf"

HOLY NUTBUTTERS... You guys, If you’ve completely forgotten how Beowulf goes, then this telling is a wild ride. I love the SHIT. OUT. OF. IT. This is only the first part, so I won't go full monty 'til next episode, but WOW.

Number of times Gabrielle says Xena’s path is her path: 2
Number of times someone says, “I know _noun_ like (I know) _thing_:" 2

EXTRA LOVED:

• Xena senses Beowulf watching her
• Xena narrating that beautiful letter
• Xena falling from the sky and hitting the ground
• Gabrielle grabbing her sai
• Xena’s armor covered in blood – I didn’t notice it at first, then I did, and shit.

SUBTEXT DETAILS:

1. Xena totally eyes Gabrielle while eating. Sure, she makes a pass at her food, but she's also just teasing her. Loved this.
2. Gabrielle looks very hurt and tense when Xena says she doesn’t want to talk about the thing that’s bothering her. Xena even says she's not trying to shut her out. She knows Gabrielle is hurt by it, but how can she tell her she's about to leave her forever.
3. I don't know how to get past this: Xena literally signs her letter to Gabrielle with a lip imprint. An OPEN MOUTHED lip imprint. Like, not a close-lipped imprint, which would imply a chaste kiss (which.. even that is gay). No, it's an open mouth lip blot. What the fuck? 
4. Xena gives Grinhilda a very saucy look as they ride alongside each other in the air.
5. The Rheingold keepers are super gay. “Our new friend is delightful. I think I love her.” They talking about falling in love with Xena, then the maiden saying, “she’s MY friend,” kind of defines for us what a "friend" means on this show. Because she manhandles Xena when they're underwater and talks to her about sexual things. We think, when Xena says, “come on, just a peek,” that she’s asking for a peek at the maiden's "stuff." Xena and this maiden even embrace underwater. Gees.
6. Fuuuuuuck, this convo between Brunhilda and Gabrielle where Gabrielle explains that being friends with Xena comes at a price and Brunhilda accurately retorts, “A price you love paying.” Gabrielle gets a little uncomfortable and almost defensive at this accusation, it's so personal and intimate. Such a treat to see this kind of vulnerability from Gabrielle. Yes, she's usually the openly vulnerable one, but never before at this level. Thank you, Xena... Then Brunhilda asks Gabrielle, "She feels the same?" and Gabrielle again, a little flatfooted says, "I hope so." Are you serious right now? "'Does she feel the same?'" This is a conversation about two people in love.

By the way, I'm slowly making my way through Adventure Time. It's fucking hilarious and right before I watched this episode of Xena, I unwittingly watched a very funny episode of Adventure Time guest-starring Lucy Lawless. Here's the episode actually. See if you can guess which one's her:

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA QUOTES: 

1) X to Grindl: "It looks good on me, don't you think? I'm waiting for you." – Just had to include this badassery.

2) G: "What's this about?" X: "Nothing." – This is remarkable, because Xena at that moment is really thinking that she’s gotta leave and will probably never see Gabrielle again, yet all she says is, “Nothing.”

3) G: "Still keeping secrets from me, after all these years." X: "Look it's something I did a long time before I met you. I just don't feel like talking about it right now." G: "All right." X: "I'm not trying to shut you out. You know our friendship's the most important thing in my life but in this case-" G: "Xena you don't have to tell me. Part of being a friend is letting people keep secrets. I respect that." X: "OK." – I’m so into this intimate topic and convo.

4) G [Narrating]: "I know Xena wouldn't have done this if she didn't feel this was something she had to do by herself. I debated whether to respect her wish.. but I can't. Her path is my path. I've been following her now, for weeks. Her trail has taken me north, due north, farther north than I've ever been." – This is so fun to hear, ROC does a great job. I love when she says, “but I can’t.” I could only hope to say my lines like that.

5) X: "Whoa. Hey, there who'd you mess with?" Odin: "No one is capable of doing this to me without my consent." X: "What kind of an idiot has himself crucified?" – Hahahaha I love dark Xena.

6) Odin: "I am Odin, king of the Norse gods. It is my duty to bring peace to the Norse country. Yet as I sit in Valhalla and watch the bitter struggle called life on this Earth, I ask 'Are we doomed to live in a constant state of endless conflict?!'" X: "Damn straight. That's what makes life so worth living." – I kind of agree with this...

7) G: "Poor Xena." Brunhilda: "Poor Xena? You haven't been listening very well, have you?" G: "Xena thought that she could live without love. I know that she can't, because she's my friend." – This is so beautiful.

8) Brunhilda: "You're pretty good. You cut me with my own sword. That's impressive. I can't tell whether you're better than me or not, though, and to prove it, I think one of us would have to die and I don't want that." G: "Why did you attack me?" Brunhilda: "To prove to you that I am worthy to fight alongside Xena."

9) X: "That's the power you're going to give me? But couldn't I do that by just rubbing together a couple of sticks? Well, couldn't I?" Odin: "No, you've only just begun exploring it. You can go much further. If you keep practicing one day you'll be able to harness all your energy into a flame that will burn for as long as you wish." X: "Turn all of my bodily energy into a bonfire. Sounds like self-sacrifice. I'm not into that, Odin." – Hahahaha

10) X: "Where is it? All right. The Rheingold." Rhein Maiden: "You mustn't touch it." X: "Yes, I must." Rhein Maiden: "Are you mad? The Rheingold will only bring about your destruction." X: "Only if I haven't forsaken love." Rhein Maiden: "Have you?" – This part is so violent.

11) G: "Xena wouldn't need a ring. She's a great fighter. She's probably the best." – fuck, I LOVE that Gabrielle is saying this, and that it’s probably true. Brunhilda: "You love her very much, don't you?" G: "She's my best friend. I know her like I know my own heart." Brunhilda: "A friendship like that is something to be envied." G: "It has a price like everything." Brunhilda: "A price you love paying." – Whew! G: "Yeah." Brunhilda: "She feels the same?" G: "I hope so." Brunhilda: "She must. She must be on a very dangerous mission; otherwise, she probably wouldn't have left you behind." G: "That's what her note said." – This conversation rules all space and time. A lot going on therein. Brunhilda is so obsessed with Xena and being like Xena, she recognizes here that Gabrielle is Xena's girlfriend, and thus she, too, falls for Gabrielle. "That’s what her note said." – This is so deep, because it seems like Gabrielle isn’t sure that Xena loves her when she answers, “I hope so.” Like they’ve never told each other as much, that they loved each other "like that." Then Brunhilda unwittingly fits a puzzle piece for Gabrielle when she tells Gabrielle that Xena must feel the same if she left her behind to keep her out of danger, and Gabrielle does say, “That’s what her note said,” but it takes a beat, as though in her head she's thinking, “OMG, as a matter of fact, that is what she said, so she must have left me behind because she cares about me so much.”

12) Beowulf: "You miss your friend, don't you?" X: "Sure." Beowulf: "She is very beautiful." X: "Yes, she is." Beowulf: "I only saw her the one time, but she seems special. Who knows how I'd feel if I got to know her." X: "Oh, you'd like her." Beowulf: "Of course, neither one of us will live long enough to see her again, anyway." – And here is Xena vaguely saying Gabrielle is beautiful and that she misses her, while Beowulf admits he's interested in Gabrielle.

13) Beowulf: "The people up here think of you as a demon." X: "So they should." – This is fucking awesome. And the music here, fuck.

14) Brunhilda: "Then we'll be there by morning. I just hope we don't run into Grindl along the way." G: "Who's Grindl?" – I kinda love G’s expression here. Like she can’t be bothered but, “ok, now what.”

15) Brunhilda: "I wish I had a friend like you." G: "You do." – Pretty sure this is how Single White Female starts.

I listened to this song this day. It possesses a mood of this episode.