Xena: Season 6, Episode 09: "Return of the Valkyrie"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"The Valkyrie Trilogy, Part 3: Sleeping Beauty"

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

I remember when I first saw this episode in 2009. I hadn’t any previous knowledge of what I was getting myself into and was just stunned by the kiss. I was in total disbelief that they'd done that, and that I managed to not hear a word about it for nine years. I still can't believe it. The way Xena looks at Gabrielle there… I don’t know how they got away with that. 

The embodiment of surreal is Xena and Gabrielle staring at each other after the kiss. I was like, “What the fuck am I watching??” What WOMEN have stared at each other like this, even now?

They totally beat Maleficent (2014) to the punch, btw. Just sayin'.

FYI, this is another Emily Skopov ep. Remember her last one was “Heart of Darkness” and we all know what that was about...

Some Hot Takes:

• GOD DAMMIT Gabrielle is so fucking hot in this. I don’t think I’ve seen anything so darkly sexy as Gabrielle lain out on that rock in that dress with her beautiful long hair that she can't cut.
• Can we just discuss how awesome it is that Xena only had ring flashbacks in front of Beowulf, because she was getting married and it was the first time since she'd had amnesia that she put a ring on herself and someone else?
• Wiglaf is probably wearing a wig. 
• I do love Xena jumping through the fire. Should probably include that in my "Loved" section.
• When the guards block Xena with their spears, they make an X. 
• If Gabrielle could walk so easily to watch Xena give the Rheingold back to the Rhein Maidens, why did Xena have to swim to get there?
• Sleeping Beauty references: the ravens, roses and vines hardcore, and even the chakram as the enchanted sword that cuts through everything. And of course Gabrielle herself, who’s dressed like Sleeping Beauty. 
• P.S. for subtext: in Sleeping Beauty, it's "true love's kiss" that awakens Aurora.
• I am so mad how weird the kiss looked because of the green screen. It doesn’t look like Xena. It only looks like her as she’s pulling away. How the below picture exists, I have no idea. They must've taken a publicity photo and thank god they did, because it is not this clear on the DVD. Either that, or this was the original footage before they CGI'ed-in the fire.
  

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Beowulf: "What conquest are you people celebrating?" Dude: "The conquest of King Hrothgar's heart, sir. He's marrying the noble and fair Wealthea." Beowulf: "Hm, thank you." Wiglaf: "Wealthea, that's not a Norse name." Beowulf: "Hm." Wiglaf: "I wonder what it means." Beowulf: "My guess would be that it's uh, Celtic or... warrior princess." – Excellent. Loved this.

2) Priest: "Make you vows." Hrothgar: "Wealthea, I make the Viking pledge of eternal love and devotion." X/Wealthea: "I'm sorry. I, uh.." Hrothgar: "You're overcome with joy." X/Wealthea: "Yes, I'm overcome." Beowulf: "It was the ring. It's the ring that's changed her." – Much enjoy Lucy Lawless portraying a Xena who's lost her memory. And interesting to consider that Beowulf, up until this point, probably thought Xena was dead.

3) X/Wealthea: "Oh, I am the luckiest woman in Denmark!" – I scream this all the time in the streets of New York.

4) Waltraute: "If they died in pursuit of the ring, I'd understand, but to spill their blood for the ordinary woman who lays entrapped beside it.." Sieglinda: "Our sister Brunhilda turned herself to flame to protect that Gabrielle. Perhaps she's not so ordinary. And Xena seems to care a great deal for her, too." Waltraute: "You speak the name of that conniving bitch in the presence of heroes? Thank the gods she's dead and fed to the fishes." – Woah, watch it Sieglinda!! There's no bff loyalty in Odin's house!

5) Hrothgar: "I've waited so long to make you truly mine." X/Wealthea: "I know, Hrothgar. Yes, and you know that I have been devoted to you since you pulled me from the icy waters, but would it be so very hard to wait just a few more hours?" Hrothgar: "I would wait even longer if I thought I had your heart as well." X/Wealthea: "Yes, but- Hrothgar, my husb- husband. Hrothgar! No. You- our union has given me a new purpose. You have always known that my priorities are different than other women's." Hrothgar: "You are a Viking queen. Your priorities are as your master decides." – Gross, but hey a Viking queen!

6) X/Wealthea: "Come in, my lord. You wish to play a game, master?” – What the fuck.. is happening.

7) Beowulf: "Xena, your life is in danger. When Odin learns you are alive, he will kill you and Gabrielle will never be saved." X/Wealthea: "Gabrielle?" – I live for this shit.

8) X: "What's the matter with your men? They look like they've seen a ghost." Wiglaf: "No, not a ghost, a legend." – I can't fully relay how much I love this.

9) Wiglaf: "All these men can talk of is a chance to see you in action. To tell you the truth, I'm-" Beowulf: "-about to go and polish your blade. Is that right, Wiglaf?" – Is this a fucking jackoff joke??

10) X: "I thought he loved me and now you tell me that this name 'Wealthea' is not even my own." Beowulf: "You are Xena." X: "I could have done so much good for the Viking people." Beowulf: "The Xena I remember could do more good with this sword than a than a hundred Viking queens could ever do. And the Xena I remember could never forget what happened in that swamp, the face of Gabrielle, the most loyal friend in the world." X: "I remember none of these things." Beowulf: "You may not remember them, but they are inside you." – Yeah, I'm just going to include all talk of Gabrielle to Xena without commentary.

11) X: "Are you a demon? Or my own mind made mad?" Vision of G: "I am the truth of who you are. Our souls are united, Xena." Beowulf: "Xena? Xena, are you all right?" X: "Yes. This Gabrielle truly loved Xena, didn't she?" Beowulf: "And will till the end of time. Gabrielle saved you from what you were as you must now save her." – This is so sexy. Xena is scared to death of herself. Not to get deep or anything, but her reactions to her visions of Gabrielle are a commentary on how frightening and intense love is.

12) Beowulf: "We're in Grinhilda's domain." X: "Beowulf, if I'm not the one-" Beowulf: "You are. Brunhilda's flame will recognize you as Gabrielle's soulmate."

13) Waltraute: "It makes me sick to see you've grown so soft." X: "Softness and weakness are two different things. I have no quarrel with you. I'm here only for Gabrielle!" Waltraute: "You sound like one of those pathetic lovesick boys who burned themselves to a crisp." – Subtext.

14) G: "Xena." X: "Oh, Gabrielle." G: "I dreamed you'd come back for me." X: "It was like I was in a dream, too. I forgot everything. But even though I didn't remember you, I felt your presence and knew that I would never be complete unless those shadows were brought into the light.” – I think the placement of this dialogue is off. Beowulf is literally dying feet away from Xena. There's a fucking tree monster trying to kill her with no flame to stop it this time. Would have been better suited to the horse ride or somewhere thereafter.

15) X: "Beowulf, I'll always be indebted to you for bringing me back here." Beowulf: "Hey, I needed the best. The legends didn't lie, Xena, you are the greatest warrior I've ever known." X: "Thank you, friend." – In case you weren't listening, that's Beowulf telling the world that Xena's the GOAT.

16) G: "You have a good heart, Beowulf. If it weren't for you, I'd still be in Brunhilda's flame." Beowulf: "I think we both know Xena would have found you eventually."

17) G: "Thank you, Brunhilda." Brunhilda: "Godspeed, Gabrielle." – Fucking haaate this part. Would’ve been more effective if Brunhilda’d said nothing. She was dead.

18) Odin: "What do you want?" Grinhilda: "Return me to my position as chief of the Valkyries." X: "She'll teach them a nobler use for their powers, Odin." Odin: "I'll think about it." X: "Don't think too long." – Classic Xena!

19) X: "35 years ago. The shame of it makes if feel like it was yesterday." G: "Memories are powerful, Xena. I'm so thankful that yours brought you back to me."

So like this is the scene from Aliens (1986), obviously recreated in this episode when Grinhilda stabs Bey. Grinhilda even looks like the alien.

Listened to this this day.