Xena: Season 3, Episode 20: "Vanishing Act"

This is the statue one. I love this episode, even though I wouldn't say it's a favorite. I primarily love it for the many chances it takes.

This episode - I don't want to say this, but - is similar to "King Con," in that Xena takes a much harder route to do something she could easily have done without Autolycus. The differences are: 

1) Xena reiterates in this episode, that she's taking an unnecessary route for Autolycus.

2) Their mission doesn't involve a friend who was beaten to within an inch of his life. 

3) Xena and Gabrielle didn't ask Autolycus for his help.

Remember Jasmine, who used to live here but has since moved to Los Angeles? Well, after I watched the whole series in 2009 (when she still lived here), I would tell her about episodes; not many but some. This episode was so funny to me, after watching it in 2009, that I told her about the scene where Xena enters as Ezra. Jasmine has laughed about that scene for years without ever having seen it. To this day, she will bring it up and say, "So! Where are you hiding that statue?" the way I, pretending to be Lucy Lawless, pretending to be Xena, pretending to be Ezra, would say it. It's so fucking funny. While watching this episode the other day, I finally captured that scene on video and sent it to her. She laughed and laughed. We both did.

Useless fact: This also marks two episodes in a row where a character has revealed to Xena that his brother died. Her brother also died, remember.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) Autolycus: “Yeah, nothing besides letting you live inside my body while I risked my life to steal back your shapely corpse, all the while having to endure Gabrielle whining and crying 24 hours a day about, ‘How much she misses Xena!’” — They bring this up all the time with Autolycus. Even in the last episode.

2) X: “Are you quite finished?!” Autolycus: “That depends. Did it work?” X: “It worked.” Autolycus: “Then I’m finished." — Hhahaaha

3) Ezra: “Myopia, I’ve heard of you. They say you used to be good-lookin’. Huh. [Whispers to G] Plan beta, I saw the furnace belching smoke and knew we had to come right a- are you paying attention to me? This is part of his way. [Aloud] So! Where are you hiding that statue?” — This is the scene I conveyed to Jasmine.

4) Autolycus: “What else would you expect from the king of thieves?” X: “Oh, Thebes. I’ve been there.” — It only took three seasons before someone wrote this joke.

5) Ezra: “Hold everything! The party starts here! Ha-ha-ha! Make yourself scarce, Dummy.” — I live for Xena giving herself permission to belittle Autolycus.

6) Tarsus: “I am obligated to tell you that a well-known Silosian general is on his way here to make a bid.” Ezra: “Really? Is he good-lookin’?” Tarsus: “Look, if you have the money here by morning, I’m sure he can’t top your offer.” Ezra: “Oh, it’ll be here. So, tell me more about this naughty general?” — This is hilarious. And let it be known that when Xena is undercover, trying to fit in, she's straight.

7) X: [Beats the shit out of guards] “I just couldn’t begin to think how to do that his way." — A lot of these jokes were low on the radar, but fucking hilarious. I think the whole storyline of Xena being unable to tone down her aggression to align more with Autolycus' catlike grace is easy to miss.

I don't know about you, but I think a solid gold statue deserves the Solid Gold Dancers:

Here is an awesome video of optical illusions:

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 19: "Tsunami"

I actually very much enjoy this episode. It's unique because of its situational, dark and dire setting. I totally remember it.

For the time, the special effects on this were awesome. I’m not kidding, I rewound the tsunami scene a few times. Here, in 2016. It was intense, dawg! In my review I noted the special effects and wondered how accurate that tidal wave was. I've since watched several unbelievable videos of the tsunami that happened in Japan in 2011. The closer the tidal wave gets to land, the more it falls like a wave. Xena and Gabrielle weren't too far from land, as it happened, so I determined the episode was on the mark with its tidal wave presentation. The waves do really fall like that. (At the bottom of this review, I've posted two tsunami videos from 2011, where you can see tidal waves.)

I have to elaborate on my "hated" section. Sorry, I'm going to punch holes in all of this, even though I liked this episode.

1) Like, seriously, why didn’t Xena just kill Macon?.. I don't understand it. She went out of her way to keep him alive, even when he tried to kill people, including Gabrielle. When has that ever been her MO? She acted toward Macon the way our government right now is acting toward Trump and Russia. When do you decide, "him or us?"

2) Petrodes was over the top and awful. You can tell he’s like a stage actor.

3) I didn't buy Xena helping other people before she found Gabrielle after they got hit by the tsunami. While Xena dealt with Thadeus, Gabrielle could've been drowning under a box or something. Bad writing.

4) In how many episodes is Gabrielle going to be taken hostage by knife or rope? God dammit. It seems like it's happened in every single episode. It's lost its seriousness.

5) Again, when the rocks come up through the boat, the boat was tilted at like 160 degrees. They should've been floating in water weighted on one side of the room.

Reading about Mount Etna is also interesting. About 8,000 years ago, part of Etna really did collapse and cause a huge tsunami. Scientists suspect a whole village was abandoned because of it. I think Xena based this episode off of that event.

Also, extra side note to any concerned, I just found out that Atropaic eyes painted on the side of a trireme (ancient boat, like the in this ep) were supposed to ward off bad luck. That's why we keep seeing that. I had no idea!

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

 
CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRAS:

1) Palm reader: “Perhaps, I misread.” X: “Perhaps. Sorry. Your dinar.” — Love the shit out of this simple joke.

2) X: “If you buy into that kind of thing. Look, your future is less in your palm than in your own two hands. It’s what you make of it.” — Just a quick lesson before the storm.

3) Things Macon says that'll piss you off:

“I got somethin’ you can look at. Betcha’d like it, too."
“Well, whaddya know?! The bitch has bite, after all!”

— Every Trump supporter right now.

4) X: “That’s no rain cloud.” Captain: “She’s right. It’s ash.” X: “The air is full of it. Look at the sea.” — Love the way Xena says this. 

5) Captain: “The water ‘round here’s full of reefs and geysers. But with any luck, we can ride the current away from here.” X: “Do it.” — Love the way Xena says, do it, but she and the captain know at this point that they're fucked.

6) X: “Must be the air that’s trapped in one of the cabins that’s keeping us buoyant, but it won’t last forever.” — Such as the one they're in? I got problems with this episode, you guys!!

7) G: “What are we going to do?” — A question I’ve been asking my friends since November 8th.

8) Macon calls everyone, “Bunch a’ losers!” — I believe Hillary Clinton says these same words while she's impersonating Donald Trump on SNL, and it's hilarious, but it is too frickin' soon to even look at that footage, let alone post it. 

9) X: "Feel the water here.” G: “It’s warm.” X: “The geyser’s on this side of the ship.” — Come on..

10) X: “Whatever you’re hiding from, turn around and face it. I know you can do it. You have to.” Petrodes: “I can’t swim!” — I am seriously a strong advocate for swimming. Love that they brought this up, but Petrodes, when they escape, suddenly knows how to swim.

11) Soraya: “No buts! We’re having a baby, and that’s that." — Uegh! Soraya, shut up. Please!

12) G: “He doesn’t get it, does he?” X: “Not a clue.” — They could easily be talking about PEOTUS.

13) Groaning boat noises were good. I hate to cite Titanic, but that's what’s happening here, and no I'm not posting a video of it.

14) Remember when Macon took that vote? That's how our election should’ve turned out.

15) I was truly surprised no one died.

Here is a video from 2011 that shows tidal waves at the beginning of the footage. (These videos are really hard to watch. Definitely not for the faint of heart.) There are no deaths on camera in these videos. But according to CNN just three weeks ago, the combined total of confirmed dead or missing from the tsunami in Japan was around 22,000.

The second video is longer and more detailed Japanese tsunami footage, but it shows all of the tidal waves captured on film. All the way from 2:15 'til about 11:00.

I wasn't a die-hard fan of Blind Melon, but Petrodes looks like the lead singer. The lead singer passed away in the 90's. Man, this is a depressing review. Sorry!

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 18: "Fins, Femmes and Gems"

OH MY GOD, I fuckin' love this episode... No, it was not the shitty one I thought it was gonna be (that one's still to come, unfortunately.)

First of all, Gabrielle and Xena are just beautiful in this. Seriously, I was drooling over both of them the whole episode. Their skin was glowing. Almost all of it takes place outside. And, I think it is so fucking cute that Gabrielle and Xena were still so into each other, even though they were both dealing with their own obsessions that weren't each other. They simultaneously loved their obsessions but still consciously wanted to be around each other.

The only serious moment came when Xena relives memories of fishing with Lyceus. Someone put a lot of thought into that tiny scene and it showed. The young versions even look like them. The fade from young Xena's face to adult Xena moved me beyond the village gates. That shit worked, man, and it was only about a minute.

Xena has this HUGE obsession with fishing. It’s the most elaborate obsession of all three, and it’s so fucking funny. Aphrodite, remember, gave Xena a double dose of the potion, so it makes sense. Xena's obsession with fishing is so strong, that while she's whistling and fishing, she hears Gabrielle call her name for help, nonchalantly acknowledges it, then carries on.

And I was so all about Xena tricking and manipulating vain Gabrielle to get her to help her fish. God, it was funny. I LOL'ed. Just Gabrielle parrying anything that Xena said with a compliment about herself, and Xena then playing on that in order to get what she wanted. This episode is so fucking good.

A masterful delivery by all three actors. Everyone was so fucking funny with their obsessions. I just enjoyed the shit out of this. It was seriously so hard not to quote the entire episode. I actually quoted most of it and had to force myself to pare-down.

Joxer is actually very funny in this episode too; he’s just so overshadowed by Xena and Gabrielle. But like him wearing that dress? That's funny. Also funny was the scene with the bad guys telling a joke on their way down the trail around the canyon. I would've put that in the review, but I needed the space for more important stuff, like fisting. I can’t believe they talked about fisting. That's so fucking racy and just shocking. Imagine the family discussing fisting on Everybody Loves Raymond.

In conclusion, Xena made the Pisces constellation. (She also invented kites, as we know from “A Day in the Life.”) The end was so beautiful. Just the idea of it: two lovers under the stars looking at a freaking constellation that one of them just made, while flirting with each other.

The whole Xena crew is really laying it on thick lately.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) G: “That’s the story of Atus the Ape-man and the Princess Gaia. Hmm. It’s a beautiful love story.” — This is really sweet, actually, the way Gabrielle is talking to Joxer.

2) G looking at sexual statue: “That’s not humanly possible.” X: “Sure it is.” — Oh my god, this is so funny. Hahha

3) X: “Who knows what stupid thing Aphrodite would want him to do with it?” Aph: “Nice! Double dose for you, Warrior Babe.” X: “Hmm, a walleye.” Aph: “Big mistake. You’re never getting that smell off your hands now.” — Oh my god, is that a sexual joke? ..Also, can we talk about how funny it is that Xena points out that that fish is a walleye?

4) J: “Mmm. bug.” G: “That is so disgusting. Xena, he’s been acting very strange. I don’t think we should be seen in public with him.” — Haha. Gabrielle is so obsessed with herself, she can’t see that Joxer is cursed. Xena sees it, because she's not self-obsessed or an animal.

5) G: “What are you obsessed with?” X: “Well, that’s the good news. I haven’t been affected by the spell, so I can still take care of business. So, let’s fish.” — Variants of this one joke was told a few different times, and I never got tired of it.

6) G: “I still don’t see why we didn’t bring Argo. I’m getting callouses. Perfect callouses.” — Haha! To hear ROC deliver these lines with the even-handedness of Gabrielle’s character is too fucking much.

7) X: “I let Argo roam free for a while. I need to concentrate totally on the mission at hand.” — AKA, we don’t need the horse for this episode, but people will wonder, so we're sliding an explanation into the dialogue.

8) X: “You remember the mystic diamond?” G: “Mm-hmm.” X: “Well, Aphrodite thinks that what’s happened to you and to Joxer is gonna make me forget about it, but no!” — Hhahahaha See what I mean?!

9) X: “This is gonna be the best thing of your young lives! Come on, Gabrielle, let’s get wet! Come on, Gabrielle! Get your gear off!” — Hahaaha. Oh my GOD.

10) G: “No, I’m sorry Joxer. I take off my clothes, I could kill you. Beauty can do that… Did I just say that?” — Love the way ROC says this.

11) G: “Why would I want to do that?” X: “Because it’s fun!” G: “Right, ramming my fist down the throat of an innocent, little fish. It’s not my idea of fun.” X: “Well, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!” — I mean, I am sitting here in utter shock. I can NOT believe they were talking about this on TV in 1998.

12) G: “She wants me to fist a fish? I can barely say it, much less do it.” — This dialogue is real. This happened.

13) G: “I was trying to kiss my reflection in the water. I couldn’t resist it. I leaned over, and I tried to press my lips-” X: “And you fell in… Any fish down there?” — A fat-ass thumbs up to this joke.

14) G: “Hmm. Do you ever get the feeling that we’re forgetting something really important?” X: “That diamond thing.” G: “The diamond.” X: “Yeah, you see, your obsession keeps you from remembering very important things.” G: “My obsession?” X: “You can’t see the fish for the lake. We only have a very limited time to get the mystic diamond back. Remember that.” G: “So, what do you wanna do, track these guys down?” X: “Before we catch Solaris? Are you outta your mind?” — If the whole episode were failed jokes, except for this one piece of dialogue, it alone would make up for the rest of it.

15) X: “Higher.” G: “This OK?” X: “Gabrielle, higher, please.. For cryin’ out loud.” — At this point in the show, I couldn’t handle much more. When Xena says, for cryin out loud, I fell apart. The writers know the characters well, and that line was so Xena.

16) X: “What are you doing?” G: “Oh, I’m just highlighting perfection with some berry juice.” X: “Yeah, looks good on you. Only, they’re not berries; they’re crushed bugs I was using for bait.” — Once the momentum began at the beginning of this episode, it never stopped. This is fucking hilarious and so disgusting.

17) X: “You go, Gabrielle! You’re beautiful when you’re angry.” — Hhahaha, that's so fucked up.

18) X: "There is something about yourself that you’re not satisfied with.” G: “Other than the fact that no one gives me credit for anything, and everyone thinks I’m a silly sidekick?" — WOAH.

19) G: “It's a good thing that you figured out all that insight stuff, Xena. Who knows how long we'd be under that spell?” X: “I couldn't have done it without you. The only reason I do any good at all in this world is because I do it with you. You make an important contribution every day. I’m gonna make sure that people know that from now on.” G: “You don't have to do that, but it's nice to be reminded that you feel that way. Hmm.” — This is so so sweet. The way Gabrielle says the last bit to Xena, seems like she’s saying it to a shy admirer. They adore one another, and you can plainly see it here.

G sings: “Well, listen to my story about Gabrielle. A cute little gal that’s lookin’ really swell. Perfect hair, such a lovely lass. Nice round breasts and a firm young-” — This is sung to the theme song of The Beverly Hillbillies:

I swear to god, I heard a mouth harp while Xena was talking to Joxer. I frickin love the mouth harp. I'm pretty sure I posted an example of it in the past, but here it is again, just because I love it so much:

This episode reminds me of a Geico commercial that recently made its way around, which I admit is kind of funny. I cannot believe I'm doing this, because I fucking hate commercials, but here it is:

Gabrielle tells a joke about her legendary name as a magnificent person. One of the names she makes up is Gabrielle and the Four Seasons. She's referring to Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Someone on Xena must be a fan!

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 17: "Forget Me Not"

It's a recap episode! (Aka: "clips show") God, this is perfect for me, who can barely remember the episodes I’ve already rewatched this season. I really needed it. I should rewatch all episodes from this season, if not the whole series, but, there’s no time.
These clip shows are deep, I can't believe it. They always throw something really critical in there.

Recaps included:

1) The death of Hope
2) Gabrielle’s first kill
3) Gabrielle's recent kill of Crassus
4) Gabrielle’s betrayal of Xena in Chin
5) The climactic song in "Bitter Suite" reuniting them
6) Xena leaving Gabrielle to kill Ming Tien
7) Previously unseen agreement for Ares to zap Gabrielle to Chin

Gabrielle's old words to Xena at the dock telling her “you would just throw away these last few years?” I have never thought about it before, but this is like Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts going out with each other in plain sight. Gabrielle was saying it with regard to her and Xena's relationship; not all the good Xena had been doing, which is the way we all took it when we saw it in "The Debt: Part 2." And that makes way more sense, because Xena had already killed people during their journeys. I remember wondering why it was suddenly such a big deal to Gabrielle. But now we know why. She was hurt and mad at Xena! I would've been, too.

One thing that happened on the DL that I've never seen before, was that we see Gabrielle really hurt after Xena leaves her to go to Chin and Ares appears. She can barely even talk, and can't we all relate to that right after we've been dumped? That was so interesting. She just got really quiet. That whole scene was poignant and intense. Gabrielle appeared really fragile, to the point that Ares seemed to notice and sympathize.

My favorite thing about the deal Gabrielle and Ares made is that Gabrielle now owes Ares a favor. This is obviously to set up some future conflict that is about to happen, but I can't wait to see (and remember) what it is. I love conflict in stories.

It seemed like a last-ditch effort to explain how Gabrielle got to Chin so quickly. Wouldn't they have had that discussion right after Chin? “How the hell did you get there so fast? I was so surprised to see you! I couldn't wrap my mind around it. How did you even get there? I thought I took the fastest way!” You know, that kind of thing. But this did clear it up.

Some have said that this is an extra episode in The Rift series. I think I have to agree. I mean, it was all recaps of rift episodes. It's a summary of them. And basically what we find out is that all that shit happened, because Gabrielle, for some reason, couldn't tell Xena how she felt and Xena couldn't deal with own feelings.

I almost want to give this a seven and I still might. It was such a good recap episode, but I can't imagine giving a recap episode a seven. I'm tempted to even mark it as a favorite! I gotta think about it. There was another one "The Xena Scrolls," which was also good. Let me check what I did with it and get back to you.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

  CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRAS:

1) Priest: “Ah. This one’s yours.” G: “You could open a pottery shop.” — No matter how fast and furiously the shit hits the fan, Gabrielle just can't turn off the jokes!

2) Priestess: “She is on her journey, Joxer. That Gabrielle is just an empty shell, with no realization of her past.” J: “Get away from her. How’d you know my name?” Priestess: “I have your memories. Ow.” J: “Whatever." — This was so funny, I didn't see it coming. Just so many jokes about and delivered by Joxer that I cherished in this episode.

3) Priestess: “If you love her, allow her the chance to lose the pain she carries. It’s in her memory.” J: “Yeah? Well, I can make her forget. I’m a very forgettable person.” — See?? Haha!

4) Ares: “You don’t know? Oh, yeah, the memory thing, right? Got a problem up here? Bad thoughts keeping you up nights? Believe it or not, I’m here to protect you.” — I loved his delivery of the line, "Got a problem up here?" I enjoy Kevin Smith as an actor immensely.

5) G: “The last one took me by surprise, but I’m ready for this.” Ares: “I hope so. This river runs deep.” — Good writing.

6) Amnesia G: “It’s very strange. With every story you tell me, this thing I’m wearing gets smaller. Is it enchanted?” — Can't tell if this is a nod to the fact that it is getting smaller or that Joxer is sexualizing her in the stories. Or both. The episodes are, after all, her accounts.

7) Amnesia G: “Are you going to sing that ‘Jerks-' that-‘Joxer the Mighty’ song, again? I like that song.” J: “Are you kiddin’ me? You hate it.” Amnesia G: “I do?” J: “No, uh, you love it." — God, Joxer is so fucking funny in this.

8) Joxer: “This is the story of Callisto.” Forgotten G: “Callisto?” J: “Yeah.” Forgotten G: “Do I like her?” J: “No, but, uh, I want you to hear when we first met." — See, this is so fucking cute.

9) Joxer reading Callisto: “'He called himself, “Joxer,” a warrior.' Huh. Well-termed phrase, I must say. ‘But a warrior like no other. So inept, so clumsy, s-’ uh 'so cleverly disguised as a bumbler, that, uh, no one suspected his true warrior nature.” — This is so funny, and while he's reading this, he turns the scroll away from Gabrielle so she can't read it. So good.

10) Ares: “Is it all worth it? Is the quest for knowledge worth all this pain?” G: “Yes. It has to be. Otherwise, what’s the point of living?” — Money shot.

11) G: “It was worth it.” Ares: “Then why are you still here? Answer me.” — The way Ares says, answer me, and the fact he even says it at all, feels like the resolution end of a lovers dispute. It's so profound, I can't rap my head around it; all I can do is love that he said it.

12) Ares: “There is no point to living. Don’t you get it, Gabrielle? Maybe, that’s the source of all your pain, all you’ve been through with Xena, all she’s put you through. Maybe, you finally realized it all adds up to a big, fat zero.” — This episode is to intense... And I can't imagine him talking to her like this about a person who was just a friend. This is blatant, "She is the one you love," talk.

The River of Woe was pretty bad, true. But not half as bad as the Tree of Woe in Conan The Barbarian:

Gabrielle burning in the last river, reminds me of Linda Hamilton burning in the apocalypse scene in Terminator 2. ...Actually, this scene is so amazing and Linda H is so amazing in this role and movie, that I strongly encourage watching Terminator 2 before watching this clip.

 

Also, some news! I just heard about this new Xena comic book series that started a few months back. I think they're up to six or seven issues now, but I managed to snag the first three today at my local comic book store. I am a big fan of the cover artist, Jenny Frison. She has a unique style and doesn't do covers for just anyone. So far, she's done a cover for every single issue of this series, which says a lot. I am such a comic book whore, but I don't usually buy Dynamite comics. I do only buy comics that I've heard are good, and this particular Xena series (there are more than one) I hear is pretty good. I'll read them and let you know. Here are issues #1 and #2 with covers by Jenny Frison: 

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 16: "When in Rome..."

This episode was good. I almost gave it six stars, but I think there was room for improvement. It would've been better, if the director had capitalized on important moments, instead of rushing through them like afterthoughts. This was actually a loaded episode, information-wise.

I could've used more weight in the moments where Gabrielle and Xena talked, especially re: Gabrielle killing someone. They felt rushed and even phoned-in, which is unfortunate, as these are the most serious circumstances since "The Bitter Suite" and "One Against an Army." I mean, for gods' sake, Gabrielle decided that someone should die. That's huge. And here's Xena at the end, acknowledging, offhandedly, that it's only going to be more of the same, and that Gabrielle is the most important thing to her. 

Also, like "King Con," little was clear. Like, perhaps it's because I'm sick with the flu, but I got so confused. Was Xena really going to kill Caesar, or was she just posturing as part of her plan? Maybe she needed to get caught and was always going to keep her word to Gabrielle. Like was she counting on Pompey to give her that knife? I don't know, just as a regular viewer, I was confused, and that's never a good sign.

I love the historical references in Xena. In real life, Crassus was dead at this point, so "When in Rome..." is totally a "What if?" story, kind of like The Man in the High Castle... which feels dangerously familiar to our current situation and scares the shit out of me. And I can't tell you how many times I've almost written "Trump" instead of "Caesar" today.

About this imperial ring; back in the day, high-ranking officers and government totally had these gold rings. Hannibal used to collect them from Roman officers and clergy as he beat them in battle. Depicted in this statue by Sébastien Slodtz, Hannibal counts an urn overflowing with the gold rings of his conquered.

A dependable episode by Steven Sears, but not his best.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

  CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW!

EXTRAS:

1) G: “Triumvirate? What is that?” X: “Three warlord rulers instead of one.” Crassus: “Warlords! Far from it. It’s politics. It’s all about-” X: “Power. Nothing more. Caesar, Pompey, and Crassus share control of Rome and its provinces.” — See this is like today’s government: Trump, Bannon, and Manafort will share control of America and its states. Who's our Brutus?

2) G: “You’re wrong.” Crassus: “Am I? Have you ever seen Xena around him? Her judgment gets a little impaired and others suffer.” — Oh my god, has Gabrielle not seen Xena around Caesar?? Maybe I should rewatch everything from beginning to end.

3) Caesar: “I’ve already planned a little party for this evening to show off Vercinix. I’d like you to accompany me without your weapons, of course.” — Why does Xena have to go with him? Plot device.

4) G: “Do your soldiers have something against murdering innocent people?” Crassus: “Innocent? There are no innocents on a battlefield.” — Tell that to the civilians in Syria.

5) Caesar: “Prison hardly seems the place to tell you this, but you look incredible. Roman finery becomes you.” — Hahahaha

6) JC: “It’s never just business between us, Xena. It’s hatred, war, conflict and it’s love.” X: “I gotta go to the bathroom. Are we done yet?” — The old Xena wouldn't have been able to do this. GREAT.

7) X: “You need to be in place before the games begin. If I’m right, the execution will be the finale.” G: “I wanna talk about this.” — It's very gay, the way she says this and puts her hand on Xena’s arm here. Very relationshippy.

8) Pompey about Caesar to Xena: “It’s (Gabrielle) he wants. He seems to think she has some sort of power over you. He wants that power.” — Very telling. It makes Gabrielle the most important person in the known world.

9) X: “How many more times are you gonna follow me into battle, huh? How many more times am I gonna hurt you? You are the most dear thing to me in all the world. And yet, instead of protecting you-” G: “I’m here, because I want to be here. I love you, Xena.” X: “I love you too, Gabrielle.”

 Here is Caesars Palace now. Does it remind you of anything?

Seriously that Syrian guard looked like the gorgeous Don Draper from Mad Men.

My ode to Crassus falling down the stairs:

Also now that I'm thinking about it, have you fucking SEEN The Man in the High Castle? Have you even seen an ad for it? Here ya go: 

Nothing's wrong at all!

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 15: "King Con"

"King Con"

Now that it’s been years since I first watched the whole series (and this season onward) all the way through (seriously, nearly seven years, which I can't believe), I have forgotten, I think, what all the episodes are about, which is actually kind of a blessing. This way I can be surprised all over again.

To begin, I must state that this episode is about Donald Trump. Every movie, song, and TV show right now is about Donald Trump and the election.

So this makes two episodes in where Xena has fanned the flames of Gabrielle's jealousy. I actually don't think she was jealous in this ep, but maybe that by itself says something. She's not threatened by men, but she did seem threatened by Tara in "Forgiven."

Secondly, I’ve come to the conclusion that almost any episode that doesn’t focus on Xena and Gabrielle’s relationship is a shallow waste. Focus on one-episode characters is also a waste and a distraction. Somehow, I think this ties in with why I don't like going to parties.

This episode also seems like a nod to the 1994 movie Maverick, especially the final card game. But that movie did admit one thing, that gambling is all about luck. I found it very hard to keep up with this episode, because they were banking most of their cons on whether or not Xena gambled well. Unless she can see into the future, which the episode didn't allude to, then there was no "skill" involved here. None of actual gambling is a skill. Not dice-rolling, not a single hand of cards. Poker faces and knowing when to hold your bets, yes, but that didn't come up. What the fuck.

Did ROC really sprain her ankle? Kinda weird... Was this episode supposed to come after "One Against an Army"? That would make more sense. I have two friends right now with hurt feet, and they can’t do a gd thing, much less fight people.

FYI, before we move onto the review, I would like to state that I have the flu. Please proceed.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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 EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: “Where’d you get that sword?” Rafe: “Oh, actually, they say I take after my father in that respect.” — Not humor that I can appreciate right now. Get back to me in 2020.

2) G to X: “These the guys who conned him?” — Sounds like she said condom...

3) Rafe: “Nice come-out. You’ve done this before.” X: “It’s been a while.” Rafe: “Well, that’s too bad, a waste of talent.” X: “I have many skills, most of which I use against people like you.” — Usually, I'd be all about her many skills, but I couldn't get past my confusion over what she meant exactly to fully appreciate it this time. She's talking about rolling dice. Maybe if the camera showed her placing the dice a certain way in her palm, and then she threw calculatedly and they landed the way she planned (I have a similar trick I do where I toss my iphone and catch it perfectly faced and centered. I have to start with it upside down and facing away from me.)

4) X: “Thanks. I’ll tell you what I believe. I believe that you bet your buddy that you could score with me, and that this whole line of bull is just you trying to win a bet that you can only lose.” — I love Xena. So smart. Wish this had been the end of it.

5) X: “Lucky nine! Mama needs a new pair of sandals.” — Hahahaha!

6) Titus: “OK, who’s the wench?” — People ask this every time I go out with my friends.

7) G: “I didn’t say he was perfect. But you saw him with Joxer. And you have to admit, he’s smart, and he’s funny. He’s handsome-” X: “Arrogant and self-centered, and- ” G: “Your typical bad boy, just your type.” — As cute as this banter is, it’s hard to hear after "One Against an Army."

8) X-as-blonde: “Now watch. [puts the goods down the front of her dress] See how simple?” Leo: “For you. But I don’t happen to own a pair of those.” — Love the sincere delivery of this inadvertently cheap line from Leo.

9) G: “It’s my fault. I should’ve hog-tied him when he asked me to.” — That is fucking hilarious.

10) X: “What changed your mind about him, hmm?” G: “I don’t trust him, Xena. Like you said, he is a con man. A guy like that is always on the make." — Suddenly Gabrielle is jealous… Man, she just went through a jealousy episode. What the fuck.

11) X: “I don’t play safe.” — SWEET.

12) G: “Not now!” X: “Yes, now is the time.” — This line is said weird and I remember it from watching this ep for the first time in 2012.

Now here is the knife trick from Aliens (1986), as depicted in "King Con" administered by Xena. The look on Rafe's face during this trick, should have mirrored Bill Paxton's in this clip: 

 

The final card game from Maverick (1994), before it was known that Mel Gibson was a total fuckin asshole, is honored in "King Con": 

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 14: "Forgiven"

"Forgiven"

Some might call this the single most irritating episode of Xena: Warrior Princess, but I would like to refer you to exhibit A: "For Him the Bell Tolls." Also, "Forgiven" has a lot of important stuff in it, such as the line, "I sleep next to Xena." Do tell, Gabrielle. See, without annoying-as-fuck Tara, we never would've known that!

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) X: “You listen to me, little girl. I’ve got no interest in making a change. Blondie- Gabrielle, here, is my partner, and that’s the way it’s gonna stay. So, get lost, huh?”
— Frickin' hilarious.

2) X: “Look, this is not gonna work. I am sorry.” — Said every employer I ever had.

3) Tara to G: “Yeah. I’m sorry I gave you such a whipping back there in the tavern. I shouldn’t have kicked your butt like that.” X: “All right, you made your point.” — Hahahha

4) Tara: “You’re gonna die, Lark, unless you start singing.” X: “Tara, shut up! Where’s the urn?” Lark: “It, it- it- it isn’t here.” Tara: “May you rest in peace.” — She sounds like a total valley girl.

5) Tara: “All right- fine. As long as I know the rules. It’s OK to knock ‘em out after you put the pinch on ‘em, but no smacking them after it. I got it.”

6) G: “She didn’t listen to you. You let her get away with that?” — This is how I feel about Donald Trump and the Republicans right now. Where is Xena?

7) G: “Xena, if you can say with a straight face that you believe in her, that’ll go a long way with a confused kid like that. It did with me. It’s easier to believe in yourself after someone else has believed in you first.” — The theme, and I totally agree with this on all levels.

8) Tara: “This doing good thing, how do you know what’s really good and what’s not? I mean, those boys from the gang, they think they’re good. How do you really know?” X: “It’s not always that simple. I usually go with my gut. And when in doubt, I ask her.” Tara: “No, She would know?” X: “Not always, but I know that her first instinct is usually an unselfish one, and that’s a really good place to start.” Tara: “Do you think she was born good? I mean, my father always told me that I was bad from day one.” X: “That is not true. You are what you do. You can re-create yourself every second of your life.” — This whole dialogue is great. Like really, really great.

9) X: “You know what is bad?" Tara: “What?” X: “Keeping me awake when I’m tired.”
— All my friends to me all the time.  

10) G: “Xena? Can I talk to you for a minute?” X: “Yeah.” G: “I’m gonna kill her. I’m gonna rip out her throat. I’m going to eat her eyeballs.” — That's fucked up.

11) G: “Thanks to me? Tara, you’re not only obnoxious, you’re deluded.” Tara: “I don’t know what that means, but you better take it back, right now!” — Every Trump supporter to every liberal.

12) X: “A very wise friend of mine once said that no one can believe in herself unless someone else believes in her first.” Tara: “You two are such suckers!” — For each other, whaaaaat?

Tara’s fucking crazy hair reminds me of Jane Child and her one hit, "Don't Wanna Fall in Love":

Tara said, “I’m bad. I'm really really bad.” You know who else is bad? Michael Jackson:

The scene, where our trio are saying goodnight to each other and Tara says good night even to Argo, is a reference to the Waltons, a show about a family who famously ended each episode by saying goodnight to each other.

Tara biting Gabrielle's ear is a clear reference to Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield, during which Tyson bit off a part of Holyfield's ear during a boxing match in 1997, a few months before this episode aired in 1998.

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 13: "One Against an Army"

"One Against an Army"

Yes, this is my first review in a long time, even though I originally reviewed this episode in 2015. No, I have nothing more to say about that. 19 days ago, I think I would've said more, but after the election of Donald Trump... Things have changed, haven't they??

These episodes might one day be more important than ever. It could be seen a miracle that they ever got made in the first place. One day in the not too distant future, people will be buying Xena on bootleg in the underground market.

This episode, in particular, is inCREDible. You know it, I know it, Kellyanne Conway knows it. So let's make haste and get into this shit.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

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EXTRAS:

1) Three = how many times Xena tries to abandon Athens to save Gabrielle and how many times Xena bars the door. I love her barring the door, btw.

2) Note: I didn't know a marathon was 26.2 miles until about four years ago. Before that, I called all runs, no matter the distance, “marathons.”

3) When Xena realizes Gabrielle is telling her exactly what she told her when they met, that shit was sad as kitties. And kind of shocking. Gabrielle has grown so much.

4) Gabrielle apologizes to Xena about Chin. What about killing each others kids? Someone’s episodes are out of order. Great placement though; it shows they’re back in emotional cahoots.

5) I love the fight scene. The peak of it is convincing and amazing to watch. Xena fights and fights and fights. At the peak of it, it's urgent and desperate.

6) How many times have we seen the sites that are Tripolis and the armory? In how many episodes?

7) I am going to point out a mistake. Or not really a mistake, but rather a malfunction. When Xena is in burnt Tripolis, looking through the doctors office for the antidote, she goes to a weird basket with little compartments on top. She completely rips off one of the compartments on accident, meaning to remove just its lid.

8) Boiling tar is brutal. I'm trying to remember a movie where I've seen it before. I know there must be a bunch.

9) X: “Gabrielle, before I tried the flip without the staff, I made 300 attempts with it.” G: "Slow learner, huh, Xena? I had that problem with basketweaving.” — Hahahaa

10) X: "I'm not gonna tell ya that you shouldn't have tried that flip.” G: "You'll work it in.” — The writing in this is superb, as is the delivery. Great episode for ROC.

11) X: "The pass at Thermopylae, that’s the answer.” G: "What's the question?” - So deep, Gabrielle.

12) X: "I don't give up my heart to just anyone. You've been following us for the last half an hour. All that time for this move?” - Xena: the best put-down in the west.

13) Dorian: "I am a Spartan! I fought at Marathon! When my commander saw we were
losing, he sent me to find a fall-back position! Unfortunately, my horse came up lame, and I had to kill him.” G to X: "Don't get any ideas." — ...

14) Dorian: "Spartans don't run.” X: "Oh, I know. They fight to the death. Not a nick on it. You're a deserter, aren’t you?” Dorian: "No-no-no-no- I, s-I swear, on my father's life!” X: "Oh, a coward and a liar. Your father must be proud.” — God dammit.

15) Dorian: "This is my fault. My fault!” X: "Go and do something useful! Make a fire!” - Aaah, shit! Some of my favorite parts of this episode are Xena’s utter disregard for Dorian.

16) G: "Xena, in case this poison starts spreading faster, I do have a last request.” X: "You can tell me about it later, years from now, when we’re old and gray.” G: "Oh. That's funny.” — Again, I love Gabrielle’s delivery in this episode.

17) X: "What are you doing sitting up?” G: "I was just uncomfortable on my back.” — Love this banal exchange.

18) G: "The Persians are out there, aren't they?” X: “Yes." G: "How many campfires?” X: "30 or 40.” G: "10 men or so per fire. That's good. For a minute there, I thought we were in trouble.” — Perfect. It's a good joke, but delivered seriously enough that you feel the hopelessness.

19) G: "I guess I'm gonna miss out on all the fun, huh? You know, it’s occurred to me that this is just a clever diversion, to make me forget about my boots.” — I didn't keep track, but I believe there are like three or four jokes about Gabrielle's boots. I cherish them all.

20) G: "That doesn't look like a weapon.” X: "It's not. It's a litter. I'm putting you on it and getting you outta here.” G: "Why? Did the Persians pull back? Xena, you can't do this. You can’t leave, not if they're still out there. You're the only one.” X: "Gabrielle, quiet!” — Love Gabrielle’s delivery. She makes this episode.

21) G: "The first thing is the greater good. You taught me that. You taught me that there are things in life worth dying for, things that hold a higher meaning than our own existence.” X: "Not your existence.” G: "Why? 'Cause I'm your friend?” X: “Yes!" G: "Well then, honor my memory. We both know that I'm right. This is right. Xena, promise me. Promise me that you will not leave this battle because of me.” — This is amazing. Xena did two huge things here. She continued to save and honor Gabrielle AND she fought and beat an entire army. Xena is defenseless against Gabrielle.

22) G: "Help me.” X: "Hey. Hey. I'm here.” G: “Xena." X: “Yes?" X: "You've got to take me with you, teach me everything you know. You can't leave me here in Poteidaia. I wanna go with you. I've studied the stars, spoken with philosophers, and I have the gift of prophecy. I can be very valuable to you. Take me with you. I want so much to be like you.” X: "And I want to be like you." — We all know, this is what Gabrielle said to Xena when they first met. I admit, this touched me. It was heavy.

23) X: "There has got to be another way! I'm going to get us out of this.” G: "It's too late for me.” X: "I don't accept defeat. There are always choices.” — This is so great. I love Xena, love the way she thinks. And she ends up TOTALLY figuring it out.

24) X: “I'm done paying for my past mistakes. My responsibility now is you.” G: “Don't." X: "Don't argue with me now.” G: "Don't you argue with me!” — This is so fucking tender.

25) G: “I know that I'm going to die, I accept that. Why can’t you? A long time ago, I accepted the consequences of our life together, that it might one day come to this. It has. I'm not afraid.” X: "You always said that I was the brave one. Look at you now. If this is to be our destiny, let's see it out together. Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you.” — This is so gay. That's all I can think, "They're gay."

26) X to Argo: "Hey. Hey. I want you to run away from here. You run as far as you can. Don't you stop for any stallions. Go on!” — Um, this is hilarious. If it weren’t such an intense, sad moment, I would have laughed. HARD. hahaha, don’t stop for any stallions!

27) G: "No, please, don't, don't bother with that. I can't fight. I can’t be of any help to
you, so please. I'm just distracting you.” X: "But you're my source, Gabrielle. When I reach down inside myself and do things that I'm not capable of, it's because of you.” — This is exactly the way I feel about the one I love and no one else. I have said this many times, actually. I am the person I aspire to be when I am in a relationship, and it’s because of the one I’m with. Xena is saying that to Gabrielle.

28) X: "I'm gonna put the boiling oil over by the ladder. The minute they start up, you tip it. Just, push it on them.” — I fucking love this line. Probably my favorite line in the whole episode. G: You'll be down there.” X: "If they're coming up the ladder, then it means they got past me. If they got past me, well..” — The writing is awesome.

29) X: "Gabrielle, that's all in the past. All I want is to be with you right now.” — Also shit I’ve said only the one I love. Verbatim.

30) X: “You’re my best friend, my family. I love you, Gabrielle.” G: "I love you, Xena.” X: "Till the other side, then. We'll be together.” G: "Till then.” X: "They're coming.” — That shit is gay. G.A.Y. This is just the gayest thing I've ever heard. All of it.. I fucking love this show.

31) Sweet fuckin’ Poltergeist shot (vertigo effect) at 34:38. The first time I remember seeing this effect was in the original movie Poltergeist: Endless Hallway Scene. I also referenced Poltergeist in the last episode. Robert Tapert's influences showing through?

 

Because Gabrielle and Xena were talking about seeing each other on the "other side," I present, "The Other Side" by the Scissor Sisters. This song is gorgeous, and I've long-thought that it was about two gay people:

This is a nod to Gabrielle and her wanting to get new shoes. Also, November 28th, 2016 marks 10 years since I first moved to New York City. My first or second day here, someone showed me this video:

 

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