Xena: Season 3, Episode 13: "One Against an Army"

"One Against an Army"

Yes, this is my first review in a long time, even though I originally reviewed this episode in 2015. No, I have nothing more to say about that. 19 days ago, I think I would've said more, but after the election of Donald Trump... Things have changed, haven't they??

These episodes might one day be more important than ever. It could be seen a miracle that they ever got made in the first place. One day in the not too distant future, people will be buying Xena on bootleg in the underground market.

This episode, in particular, is inCREDible. You know it, I know it, Kellyanne Conway knows it. So let's make haste and get into this shit.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) Three = how many times Xena tries to abandon Athens to save Gabrielle and how many times Xena bars the door. I love her barring the door, btw.

2) Note: I didn't know a marathon was 26.2 miles until about four years ago. Before that, I called all runs, no matter the distance, “marathons.”

3) When Xena realizes Gabrielle is telling her exactly what she told her when they met, that shit was sad as kitties. And kind of shocking. Gabrielle has grown so much.

4) Gabrielle apologizes to Xena about Chin. What about killing each others kids? Someone’s episodes are out of order. Great placement though; it shows they’re back in emotional cahoots.

5) I love the fight scene. The peak of it is convincing and amazing to watch. Xena fights and fights and fights. At the peak of it, it's urgent and desperate.

6) How many times have we seen the sites that are Tripolis and the armory? In how many episodes?

7) I am going to point out a mistake. Or not really a mistake, but rather a malfunction. When Xena is in burnt Tripolis, looking through the doctors office for the antidote, she goes to a weird basket with little compartments on top. She completely rips off one of the compartments on accident, meaning to remove just its lid.

8) Boiling tar is brutal. I'm trying to remember a movie where I've seen it before. I know there must be a bunch.

9) X: “Gabrielle, before I tried the flip without the staff, I made 300 attempts with it.” G: "Slow learner, huh, Xena? I had that problem with basketweaving.” — Hahahaa

10) X: "I'm not gonna tell ya that you shouldn't have tried that flip.” G: "You'll work it in.” — The writing in this is superb, as is the delivery. Great episode for ROC.

11) X: "The pass at Thermopylae, that’s the answer.” G: "What's the question?” - So deep, Gabrielle.

12) X: "I don't give up my heart to just anyone. You've been following us for the last half an hour. All that time for this move?” - Xena: the best put-down in the west.

13) Dorian: "I am a Spartan! I fought at Marathon! When my commander saw we were
losing, he sent me to find a fall-back position! Unfortunately, my horse came up lame, and I had to kill him.” G to X: "Don't get any ideas." — ...

14) Dorian: "Spartans don't run.” X: "Oh, I know. They fight to the death. Not a nick on it. You're a deserter, aren’t you?” Dorian: "No-no-no-no- I, s-I swear, on my father's life!” X: "Oh, a coward and a liar. Your father must be proud.” — God dammit.

15) Dorian: "This is my fault. My fault!” X: "Go and do something useful! Make a fire!” - Aaah, shit! Some of my favorite parts of this episode are Xena’s utter disregard for Dorian.

16) G: "Xena, in case this poison starts spreading faster, I do have a last request.” X: "You can tell me about it later, years from now, when we’re old and gray.” G: "Oh. That's funny.” — Again, I love Gabrielle’s delivery in this episode.

17) X: "What are you doing sitting up?” G: "I was just uncomfortable on my back.” — Love this banal exchange.

18) G: "The Persians are out there, aren't they?” X: “Yes." G: "How many campfires?” X: "30 or 40.” G: "10 men or so per fire. That's good. For a minute there, I thought we were in trouble.” — Perfect. It's a good joke, but delivered seriously enough that you feel the hopelessness.

19) G: "I guess I'm gonna miss out on all the fun, huh? You know, it’s occurred to me that this is just a clever diversion, to make me forget about my boots.” — I didn't keep track, but I believe there are like three or four jokes about Gabrielle's boots. I cherish them all.

20) G: "That doesn't look like a weapon.” X: "It's not. It's a litter. I'm putting you on it and getting you outta here.” G: "Why? Did the Persians pull back? Xena, you can't do this. You can’t leave, not if they're still out there. You're the only one.” X: "Gabrielle, quiet!” — Love Gabrielle’s delivery. She makes this episode.

21) G: "The first thing is the greater good. You taught me that. You taught me that there are things in life worth dying for, things that hold a higher meaning than our own existence.” X: "Not your existence.” G: "Why? 'Cause I'm your friend?” X: “Yes!" G: "Well then, honor my memory. We both know that I'm right. This is right. Xena, promise me. Promise me that you will not leave this battle because of me.” — This is amazing. Xena did two huge things here. She continued to save and honor Gabrielle AND she fought and beat an entire army. Xena is defenseless against Gabrielle.

22) G: "Help me.” X: "Hey. Hey. I'm here.” G: “Xena." X: “Yes?" X: "You've got to take me with you, teach me everything you know. You can't leave me here in Poteidaia. I wanna go with you. I've studied the stars, spoken with philosophers, and I have the gift of prophecy. I can be very valuable to you. Take me with you. I want so much to be like you.” X: "And I want to be like you." — We all know, this is what Gabrielle said to Xena when they first met. I admit, this touched me. It was heavy.

23) X: "There has got to be another way! I'm going to get us out of this.” G: "It's too late for me.” X: "I don't accept defeat. There are always choices.” — This is so great. I love Xena, love the way she thinks. And she ends up TOTALLY figuring it out.

24) X: “I'm done paying for my past mistakes. My responsibility now is you.” G: “Don't." X: "Don't argue with me now.” G: "Don't you argue with me!” — This is so fucking tender.

25) G: “I know that I'm going to die, I accept that. Why can’t you? A long time ago, I accepted the consequences of our life together, that it might one day come to this. It has. I'm not afraid.” X: "You always said that I was the brave one. Look at you now. If this is to be our destiny, let's see it out together. Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you.” — This is so gay. That's all I can think, "They're gay."

26) X to Argo: "Hey. Hey. I want you to run away from here. You run as far as you can. Don't you stop for any stallions. Go on!” — Um, this is hilarious. If it weren’t such an intense, sad moment, I would have laughed. HARD. hahaha, don’t stop for any stallions!

27) G: "No, please, don't, don't bother with that. I can't fight. I can’t be of any help to
you, so please. I'm just distracting you.” X: "But you're my source, Gabrielle. When I reach down inside myself and do things that I'm not capable of, it's because of you.” — This is exactly the way I feel about the one I love and no one else. I have said this many times, actually. I am the person I aspire to be when I am in a relationship, and it’s because of the one I’m with. Xena is saying that to Gabrielle.

28) X: "I'm gonna put the boiling oil over by the ladder. The minute they start up, you tip it. Just, push it on them.” — I fucking love this line. Probably my favorite line in the whole episode. G: You'll be down there.” X: "If they're coming up the ladder, then it means they got past me. If they got past me, well..” — The writing is awesome.

29) X: "Gabrielle, that's all in the past. All I want is to be with you right now.” — Also shit I’ve said only the one I love. Verbatim.

30) X: “You’re my best friend, my family. I love you, Gabrielle.” G: "I love you, Xena.” X: "Till the other side, then. We'll be together.” G: "Till then.” X: "They're coming.” — That shit is gay. G.A.Y. This is just the gayest thing I've ever heard. All of it.. I fucking love this show.

31) Sweet fuckin’ Poltergeist shot (vertigo effect) at 34:38. The first time I remember seeing this effect was in the original movie Poltergeist: Endless Hallway Scene. I also referenced Poltergeist in the last episode. Robert Tapert's influences showing through?

 

Because Gabrielle and Xena were talking about seeing each other on the "other side," I present, "The Other Side" by the Scissor Sisters. This song is gorgeous, and I've long-thought that it was about two gay people:

This is a nod to Gabrielle and her wanting to get new shoes. Also, November 28th, 2016 marks 10 years since I first moved to New York City. My first or second day here, someone showed me this video:

 

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