Xena: Season 3, Episode 18: "Fins, Femmes and Gems"

OH MY GOD, I fuckin' love this episode... No, it was not the shitty one I thought it was gonna be (that one's still to come, unfortunately.)

First of all, Gabrielle and Xena are just beautiful in this. Seriously, I was drooling over both of them the whole episode. Their skin was glowing. Almost all of it takes place outside. And, I think it is so fucking cute that Gabrielle and Xena were still so into each other, even though they were both dealing with their own obsessions that weren't each other. They simultaneously loved their obsessions but still consciously wanted to be around each other.

The only serious moment came when Xena relives memories of fishing with Lyceus. Someone put a lot of thought into that tiny scene and it showed. The young versions even look like them. The fade from young Xena's face to adult Xena moved me beyond the village gates. That shit worked, man, and it was only about a minute.

Xena has this HUGE obsession with fishing. It’s the most elaborate obsession of all three, and it’s so fucking funny. Aphrodite, remember, gave Xena a double dose of the potion, so it makes sense. Xena's obsession with fishing is so strong, that while she's whistling and fishing, she hears Gabrielle call her name for help, nonchalantly acknowledges it, then carries on.

And I was so all about Xena tricking and manipulating vain Gabrielle to get her to help her fish. God, it was funny. I LOL'ed. Just Gabrielle parrying anything that Xena said with a compliment about herself, and Xena then playing on that in order to get what she wanted. This episode is so fucking good.

A masterful delivery by all three actors. Everyone was so fucking funny with their obsessions. I just enjoyed the shit out of this. It was seriously so hard not to quote the entire episode. I actually quoted most of it and had to force myself to pare-down.

Joxer is actually very funny in this episode too; he’s just so overshadowed by Xena and Gabrielle. But like him wearing that dress? That's funny. Also funny was the scene with the bad guys telling a joke on their way down the trail around the canyon. I would've put that in the review, but I needed the space for more important stuff, like fisting. I can’t believe they talked about fisting. That's so fucking racy and just shocking. Imagine the family discussing fisting on Everybody Loves Raymond.

In conclusion, Xena made the Pisces constellation. (She also invented kites, as we know from “A Day in the Life.”) The end was so beautiful. Just the idea of it: two lovers under the stars looking at a freaking constellation that one of them just made, while flirting with each other.

The whole Xena crew is really laying it on thick lately.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) G: “That’s the story of Atus the Ape-man and the Princess Gaia. Hmm. It’s a beautiful love story.” — This is really sweet, actually, the way Gabrielle is talking to Joxer.

2) G looking at sexual statue: “That’s not humanly possible.” X: “Sure it is.” — Oh my god, this is so funny. Hahha

3) X: “Who knows what stupid thing Aphrodite would want him to do with it?” Aph: “Nice! Double dose for you, Warrior Babe.” X: “Hmm, a walleye.” Aph: “Big mistake. You’re never getting that smell off your hands now.” — Oh my god, is that a sexual joke? ..Also, can we talk about how funny it is that Xena points out that that fish is a walleye?

4) J: “Mmm. bug.” G: “That is so disgusting. Xena, he’s been acting very strange. I don’t think we should be seen in public with him.” — Haha. Gabrielle is so obsessed with herself, she can’t see that Joxer is cursed. Xena sees it, because she's not self-obsessed or an animal.

5) G: “What are you obsessed with?” X: “Well, that’s the good news. I haven’t been affected by the spell, so I can still take care of business. So, let’s fish.” — Variants of this one joke was told a few different times, and I never got tired of it.

6) G: “I still don’t see why we didn’t bring Argo. I’m getting callouses. Perfect callouses.” — Haha! To hear ROC deliver these lines with the even-handedness of Gabrielle’s character is too fucking much.

7) X: “I let Argo roam free for a while. I need to concentrate totally on the mission at hand.” — AKA, we don’t need the horse for this episode, but people will wonder, so we're sliding an explanation into the dialogue.

8) X: “You remember the mystic diamond?” G: “Mm-hmm.” X: “Well, Aphrodite thinks that what’s happened to you and to Joxer is gonna make me forget about it, but no!” — Hhahahaha See what I mean?!

9) X: “This is gonna be the best thing of your young lives! Come on, Gabrielle, let’s get wet! Come on, Gabrielle! Get your gear off!” — Hahaaha. Oh my GOD.

10) G: “No, I’m sorry Joxer. I take off my clothes, I could kill you. Beauty can do that… Did I just say that?” — Love the way ROC says this.

11) G: “Why would I want to do that?” X: “Because it’s fun!” G: “Right, ramming my fist down the throat of an innocent, little fish. It’s not my idea of fun.” X: “Well, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!” — I mean, I am sitting here in utter shock. I can NOT believe they were talking about this on TV in 1998.

12) G: “She wants me to fist a fish? I can barely say it, much less do it.” — This dialogue is real. This happened.

13) G: “I was trying to kiss my reflection in the water. I couldn’t resist it. I leaned over, and I tried to press my lips-” X: “And you fell in… Any fish down there?” — A fat-ass thumbs up to this joke.

14) G: “Hmm. Do you ever get the feeling that we’re forgetting something really important?” X: “That diamond thing.” G: “The diamond.” X: “Yeah, you see, your obsession keeps you from remembering very important things.” G: “My obsession?” X: “You can’t see the fish for the lake. We only have a very limited time to get the mystic diamond back. Remember that.” G: “So, what do you wanna do, track these guys down?” X: “Before we catch Solaris? Are you outta your mind?” — If the whole episode were failed jokes, except for this one piece of dialogue, it alone would make up for the rest of it.

15) X: “Higher.” G: “This OK?” X: “Gabrielle, higher, please.. For cryin’ out loud.” — At this point in the show, I couldn’t handle much more. When Xena says, for cryin out loud, I fell apart. The writers know the characters well, and that line was so Xena.

16) X: “What are you doing?” G: “Oh, I’m just highlighting perfection with some berry juice.” X: “Yeah, looks good on you. Only, they’re not berries; they’re crushed bugs I was using for bait.” — Once the momentum began at the beginning of this episode, it never stopped. This is fucking hilarious and so disgusting.

17) X: “You go, Gabrielle! You’re beautiful when you’re angry.” — Hhahaha, that's so fucked up.

18) X: "There is something about yourself that you’re not satisfied with.” G: “Other than the fact that no one gives me credit for anything, and everyone thinks I’m a silly sidekick?" — WOAH.

19) G: “It's a good thing that you figured out all that insight stuff, Xena. Who knows how long we'd be under that spell?” X: “I couldn't have done it without you. The only reason I do any good at all in this world is because I do it with you. You make an important contribution every day. I’m gonna make sure that people know that from now on.” G: “You don't have to do that, but it's nice to be reminded that you feel that way. Hmm.” — This is so so sweet. The way Gabrielle says the last bit to Xena, seems like she’s saying it to a shy admirer. They adore one another, and you can plainly see it here.

G sings: “Well, listen to my story about Gabrielle. A cute little gal that’s lookin’ really swell. Perfect hair, such a lovely lass. Nice round breasts and a firm young-” — This is sung to the theme song of The Beverly Hillbillies:

I swear to god, I heard a mouth harp while Xena was talking to Joxer. I frickin love the mouth harp. I'm pretty sure I posted an example of it in the past, but here it is again, just because I love it so much:

This episode reminds me of a Geico commercial that recently made its way around, which I admit is kind of funny. I cannot believe I'm doing this, because I fucking hate commercials, but here it is:

Gabrielle tells a joke about her legendary name as a magnificent person. One of the names she makes up is Gabrielle and the Four Seasons. She's referring to Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Someone on Xena must be a fan!

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