Every Xena Episode, Ranked

Look at this shit. It took me hours to do this, and it's in no way solidified. But here, nonetheless.

SUBJECT TO CHANGE, BEEOOOTCH

Xena: Warrior Princess: 10th Anniversary Collection

True story.

I have been waiting mf years to talk about this compilation. I hadn't even opened it yet. I actually just took a trip to Manhattan in the middle of a plague to dig this it outta storage. BECAUSE BITCH. I didn't want to simply look at the info on Amazon; I wanted to hold it in my hands, concrete and pure power. Now that the series is over, and I don't have to worry about this absolute ambrosia of a box set swaying my judgment, let's get this shit underway.

First, here is the box set in detail:

Front of box and portfolio.

Back of box and portfolio. I hope you can see the pic clearly, because I'm not typing all that out. Also, just a note: I know this set is eight years old, probably older since it was printed and probably sitting in a warehouse for six years before it made it to me. See that flap of paper on the back of the box? (right) It's just pasted on, unlike the silver logo on the front, which is burned into the box. This is fine, but the glue is so old, that the paper is pealing off. It's held down by just two corners and a promise now. I kinda like it this way, so I'm not going to fix it at all.

The whole thing folded out. Look at the thoughtful, strategic placement of our heroes.

I love that they display the big players on the inside. Xena and Gabrielle get no more than one disc apiece. So from left to right, we got Callisto, Xena, Autolycus, Joxer–

–Ares, Gabrielle, and...Salmoneus. Salmoneus is an interesting choice. It's not that I don't like him, but when I think of Xena characters, he's way, way, waaay down the list. Like I think of Argo before I think of Salmoneus, no offense. I feel like this is a reach and the slot should've gone to Aphrodite, Alti, Ephiny, or even Caeser or Borias...OMG, I just checked, because why not, and he's not even in any of the episodes in the collection. What the actual fuck.

This is the back completely folded out, part 1. The whole back's aaaall Xena and Gabrielle (mostly Xena). Nice touch.

Here's the back folded out, part 2.

When you first take out the set and open it.

A further unfolding.

The penultimate unfolding.

You did it.

Pretty nice! I photographed this box once before, and I can't remember if it was shrink-wrapped when I got it, because there's no sign of it in the 2012 pics, but I don't believe I've really pulled this out and looked at it until now, so this is an exclusive. 

My box set has a copyright date of 2006, it's is a 7-disc set, a collection of 17 episodes. The eps included are so good and, I must mention, "fan-selected" as advertised on the back. The episodes go in order of ascension and could tell a story of Xena. I am gonna go out on a limb here and say that liberties were taken in the final selections for this compilation. I find it hard to believe that fans advocated for the inclusion of some of these. (Looking mostly at "A Friend in Need." Though *I* love that episode, I know fans generally loathe it.) 

I appreciate that they did this in classy black and white. In case you skipped the pic descriptions, Salmoneus occupies one of the prestigious character slots, yet isn't featured in a single episode in the collection. This is poor. This brings me to Autolycus. I see why they included him, because Bruce Campbell has a huge following and there are people who love Xena simply because he's in it. AND he's memorable and in twice as many episodes as Salmoneus. He's a mainstay, which is why I'm not as bothered with his inclusion, HOWEVER...He is also not in any of the episodes in this collection. 

Who shit the bed here? Someone scatted all over the sheets. What happened? Like maybe there was a different row of episodes lined up when the DVD art was printed, then they changed the episodes? I could see that. 

Here is a list of popular supporting characters actually featured in the episodes of this collection: 

• Draco ("Sins of the Past," "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire")
• Cyrene ("Sins of the Past," "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire," "Amphipolis Under Siege")
• Callisto ("Callisto," "The Bitter Suite," "The Ides of March," "Fallen Angel")
• Joxer ("Callisto," "Been There, Done That," "The Bitter Suite," "Fallen Angel," "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire," "When Fates Collide")
• Ephiny ("Is There a Doctor in the House?" "The Bitter Suite")
• Ares ("The Bitter Suite," "Amphipolis Under Siege," "Old Ares Had a Farm")
• Caesar ("The Bitter Suite," "The Ides of March," "When Fates Collide") 
• Archangel Michael ("Fallen Angel")
• Athena ("Amphipolis Under Siege," "Motherhood")
• Aphrodite ("Motherhood," "Many Happy Returns")
• Eve ("Motherhood")
• Alti ("When Fates Collide")

I know I'm making a big deal out of this, but just listen to me. The names in bold are already pictured on the set. Salmoneus and Autolycus aren't even bulleted, because they're not in these episodes. LOOK at everyone else! Literally anyone else on this list would've been appropriate, even single episoders, because at least they're in one of the fucking episodes in this collection. 

Like ok, ok, ok, if I loaned this to a friend who'd never seen Xena, let's say they know who Bruce Campbell is (which they all do, because they're my friends, and I don't attract people who wouldn't know who he is). They'd see his picture there on the set and be like, "Oh, yay!" then watch these episodes and not fucking see him appear in any of them. That's false advertising. More importantly, they'd see Salmoneus on the insert and be like, "Who the fuck is this guy?" and never have that question answered. Do you see how weird that is? 

I am having problems with the presentation.

Moving on. I said I wouldn't do this, and I cannot believe that this isn't typed-out anywhere on the internet (seriously not one place), but I clacked-out the little sleeve note discussing the set: 

This anniversary DVD set is the ultimate collection of Xena episodes, revealing the remarkable journey that began with the series opener, Sins of the Past and ended with the director's cut of its finale, A Friend in Need. In between are 14 episodes representing the best moments of heroism, laughter, drama and spirit of Xena, her loyal companion Gabrielle and all of the other unforgettable characters that came in and out of the Warrior Princess' life. 

You selected your favorite episodes from Xena's Six Seasons to go into this Anniversary Collection. Along with those 16 episodes, we've developed numerous new documentaries about you, the Xena fans, and for you, providing insight into the background of Xena's character and glimpses behind the scenes on the set of Xena: Warrior Princess. Without fans like you, Xena and Gabrielle could never have the adventures, relationships, and love that they expressed throughout the series. So we've created this one of a kind 10th Anniversary Collection to salute Xena and Gabrielle ... and you.

Awesome! This explains why "Sins of the Past" and "A Friend in Need" is stuck in a collection of fan-selected episodes, but I'd call this grouping more of a primer than a "best of" or "ultimate collection."

I can't wait to see if any of these episodes are widescreen and if the quality of "A Friend in Need" is any better than on my regular DVD set. I bet it is!

Furthermore, I seriously don't mean any ill will to anyone, but I will probably not be watching the extra segments featuring the fans. I love Xena fans like nobody's business, but I'm just here to see Xena. ..I might watch them if I'm drunk.

The 10th Anniversary Collection episode roster is as such:

1. "Sins of the Past"
2. "Callisto"
3. "Is There a Doctor in the House?"
4. "A Day in the Life"
5. "Been There, Done That"
6. "The Bitter Suite"
7. "One Against an Army"
8. "The Ides of March"
9. "Fallen Angel"
10. "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire"
11. "Amphipolis Under Siege"
12. "Motherhood"
13. "Old Ares Had a Farm"
14. "When Fates Collide"
15. "Many Happy Returns"
16. "A Friend in Need, Part 1"
17. "A Friend in Need, Part 2"

Pretty ambitious and bold choice to include both Xena's musical episodes; I didn't include a single one in my top 17. Hell, there isn't even one in my top 80. And don't look at me like that, I love musicals. 

I can't believe there are no Valkyrie episodes, but I can see why this happened, because it's three episodes and they would've had to include them all, taking-up valuable real estate. I'm certain they were on the cutting room floor.

Here is the 10th Anniversary episode count from each season:

Season 1: 3 episodes

Season 2: 1 episode

Season 3: 3 episodes

Season 4: 1 episode

Season 5: 4 episodes...

Season 6: 5 episodes

I kinda don't get this, but if I factor-in politics, I do get this. Also, I haven't even weighed my own favorite episodes and how each season is represented in numbers and pride, so I could be a hypocrite.

With the exception of a couple episodes, whose fan-insisted inclusion makes me embarrassed to be gay, this compilation is solid. I would've chosen almost the same were I faced with the task. However, I am taken aback by the fact that, if you're gonna insert four fucking episodes from Season 5, you somehow manage to not include "Chakram."

While I am largely excited and happy with the episode selection for this ass-kicking "Greatest Hits," here are my top 17 episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess in order of dope af to the tits:   

1. “When Fates Collide”
2. “Fallen Angel”
3. “The Ides of March”
4. “Return of the Valkyrie”
5. “The Ring”
6. “The Rheingold”
7. “One Against an Army”
8. “A Friend in Need, Part 2”
9. “Sacrifice II”
10. “Return of Callisto”
11. “Between the Lines”
12. “Chakram”
13. “A Day in the Life”
14. “Who’s Gurkhan”
15. “Callisto”
16. “The Debt II”
17. “A Family Affair”

Note: The Valkyrie trilogy really is that good, and that's why I included all of them. I didn't just put them in there because they're a set. And I love them in that order (they're backwards.)

Here is my episode count from each season:

Season 1: 1 episode

Season 2: 2 episodes

Season 3: 3 episodes

Season 4: 3 episodes

Season 5: 2 episodes

Season 6: 6 episodes

I'm going to make a few comments about the 10th Anniversary Collection episodes and why or why not I would've included the eps in this collection (My faves are marked with a material girl hot pink star.): 

1. "Sins of the Past:" While I adore this episode (it's like a newborn baby), it's not particularly strong. But I can see why someone who had to make sense of these episodes would put it in. (6 stars)
2. ★"Callisto:" Yes, birth of our favorite villain. I agree with this. (8 stars)
3. ★"Is There a Doctor in the House?:" I'll allow it, yes. It's a good and formative Xena episode. (7 stars)
4. ★"A Day in the Life:" I concur. It's also in mine. (8 stars)
5. ★"Been There, Done That:" I frickin loooove this episode. It warms my heart that the other fans do, too. (7 stars)
6. "The Bitter Suite:" I am a huge Broadway fan, huge musical nerd. I think it's probably best I don't get involved here. I got criticism. In a nutellashell, I would rather this story been told straight, instead of sung. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it or haven't watched it a dozen times. The thrust of this episode is sooo critical and intense, too. I wish it were done better, but I'm glad it exists. Does that make sense? (6 stars)
7. ★"One Against an Army:" YES, it's incredible. I get chills just thinking about this episode. I remember when I first saw it, it was like a great rollercoaster. (8 stars)
8. ★"The Ides of March:" Yes, it's incredible. This episode is just incredible. (8 stars) 
9. ★"Fallen Angel:" When I saw this, it was the best Xena episode I had ever seen. My first 9-star rating. This show leveled-up with each season, and that certainly held true here. This was the best season opener and the best episode of Season 5. Tough act to follow. (9 stars)
10. "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire:" Like "The Bitter Suite," I'm not totally against this episode. I can see why fans love it. It's awesome and a romp, just not one I would put in a "best of" compilation, especially after already including "The Bitter Suite." (7 stars)
11. ★"Amphipolis Under Siege:" For Athena alone, I see how this episode made it. I am almost certain she and Ilainus are why the fans green-lit the nomination so hard. Athena's character was so strong, it was enough to make everyone overlook the fact that Xena kinda cheated on Gabrielle here. (7 stars)
12. "Motherhood:" I am conflicted about this episode, still. BUT, it is awe-inspiring. It showcases Athena once more, and if someone is watching this show for the first time, it reveals that Xena killed all the Greek gods, which is mind-blowing. Such a great Xena plot point. It is a very good example of how high this show will reach. Yes, the ep makes sense in this compilation. There's no other example of Xena overthrowing the pantheon, a hook that must be told. God, maybe I should add this to my favorites fuck. (7 stars)
13. ★"Old Ares Had a Farm:" I do love this episode and love that it was included on this comp. It's making me rethink its ranking of ~62 on my overall list. I think I ranked it like that, because it's a comedy. I just feel like there are other episodes that are peak Ares. (7 stars)
14. ★"When Fates Collide:" This requires no explanation. If fans were asked to provide a list of their top 5, this would be #1 on everyone's list. (10 stars)
15. ★"Many Happy Returns:" This episode is great and all, but 1) there are cuter, funnier Aphrodite episodes, and 2) who cares about Genia? I am 100% positive fans pulled the trigger here simply because of the Sappho poem, and that's good enough for me. It's so tender and memorable. (6 stars)
16. ★"A Friend in Need, Part 1:" While I love this episode, I know it's only on here because it's the last episode. Also, these last two episodes aren't really needed. This compilation could've closed with "When Fates Collide." These are just two episodes taking up precious space. If you're not including Valkyrie stuff because they're three episodes, then you can say goodbye to these two as well and add "Chakram" and a number of other succinct episodes. (7 stars)
17. ★"A Friend in Need, Part 2:" Yeah, I said it. These two eps are extraneous to this compilation. There's better work to close the story, BUT IT IS frickin awesome watching Gabrielle kick butt, always. And it does bring the story full-circle. As I indicated, Part 2 is in my top 17, but so are the Valkyrie eps. (8 stars)

To sum up: Of the 17 episodes in the 10th Anniversary Collection, four of them were not favorites of mine. The compilation's 17 episodes and my top 17 episodes share a commonality of only seven episodes, though none of the other 10 were severe misses for me. Just, "Yeah, sure! Ok." episodes. I really easily see how fans arrived at these offerings, and I think they did a *fantastic* job. This collection is awesome. 

Now, my question to you is: have you ever tried to rank 134 episodes of your favorite TV show? What a daunting gd thing. Hold onto your effing hat. 

I love this show.

Xena: Warrior Princess: Series Wrap-up

Oh my god what am I about to do. What I mean is, welcome to my series sitsum, my lay report, my back door diddio, and hopefully not a twerpy little shmoop you'll soon forget. But seriously how does one summarize...a whole show... 

First, as a little pallet cleanser, I'd like to share that I watched "A Solstice Carol" on Christmas Day and oh how I cried, reader. It's the perfect, cute Xena episode. It's funny, sweet, poignant, hopeful, subtexty, and that ending. It's, in a word, adorable. I wonder if my tears owe to the fact this is the worst Xmas ever, or to this being the way Xena has settled into my body and this is just how it's gonna be now. 

Before I begin, and before I forget, I record into record that Xena: Warrior Princess – your favorite show and mine – stood Emmy-nominated for Seasons 2-5 in the music category alongside the big guns: The X-Files, The Simpsons, 24, The West Wing, and frickin' Star Trek: Voyager. It actually won in 2000 for Season 5's score to "Fallen Angel." It was nominated twice in one year for "The Bitter Suite" and somehow lost.

Now! We got the rank 'n' file of the series, one post back. I laid it out. I even memorized it. If you're "a friend in need" of a refresher, behold: 

1) Season 6

2) Season 4

3) Season 5

4) Season 3

5) Season 2

6) Season 1

Of course, I feel a little weird ranking the seasons, because I love them all and can't cherry-pick. Like there's no way I'd watch Season 2 without first watching Season 1 and so forth. One season begets the next. 

I can tell you this, right now: If you look online and ask fans how they rank all the seasons, if Season 6 is nowhere near the top, they're a lie. 

There is not a single bad season of Xena. There are a handful of less than desirable episodes, but…I just ranked every single episode of Xena and there are only five or six episodes I don't like*. (Five or six eps I'd skip, *if I had the remote in my hand and didn't have to get up.) Literally, I get joy out of the 129 other nugs. 

At the only XenaCon I ever made it to, I heard Lucy Lawless say this one thing. I had it written down verbatim, but for some reason I can't find it right now. I think the audience was asking questions of Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor about character development on the show. It was an intricate conversation and then Lucy Lawless said something like, "Did it ever occur to you that the show is about the growth of Gabrielle?"

Hearing this changed everything about the way I viewed Xena: Warrior Princess. The show is totally about the progress of Gabrielle. I don't know if the creators originally planned that, but that's exactly what the show's about from beginning to end, literally from beginning to end. 

Like here's Gabrielle in the very first episode compared to Gabrielle in the very last episode.

Gabrielle in "Sins of the Past"

Gabrielle in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

My apologies for the shabby photos. I had to take them with my phone from the discs, if you wanna let this be your quality guide. (By the way, I think the last image is the most gorgeous shot of "A Friend in Need." I think about it all the time. The way that light shines off the very middle of that katana. Mm.)

I could lay-out pics next to each other of Gabrielle's various outfits all day long. I kind of wish the last episode centered her usually bare mid-riff, because that would be more striking and accurate next to Potidaea Gabrielle. She's usually never covered-up; yet another reason to find fault with the finale.

In the sense that the show's about Gabrielle, it could theoretically be called Gabrielle: The Battling Bard of Potidaea. BUT, the show is sneaky as Xena: Warrior Princess; the title secretly beholds Gabrielle, because she wrote the show scrolls! Xena is Gabrielle's book.

Xena, for her part, still wears her original outfit in the final episode of the show (amongst various temporary costume changes in the last episode). 

Xena in "Sins of the Past"

Xena in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

Sure, she lost the hair wreath, but other than that...Xena changed morally, Gabrielle morphed.

Look at how Xena and Gabrielle's relationship evolved, though, mon chéri.

Gabrielle trying to convince Xena to take her with her in "Sins of the Past"

Xena begrudgingly giving Gabrielle a ride in "Sins of the Past"

Xena hungrily chatting-up Gabrielle in "A Friend in Need, Part I"

Xena watching Gabrielle get her back done so Gabrielle can save her life in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

Xena taking Gabrielle with her in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

I would say Gabrielle's little plan worked, wouldn't you? Gabrielle is the most powerful and influential person in the world and should be on the cover of Time.

Instead of talking a lot about the whole show and recapping what happened, I'm just gonna lay-out a bunch of stats. I will say this though, for my big thing this post: 

This is my favorite show in the world. I couldn’t tell you what specifically about it makes it my favorite show. The only thing I can solidly point to is that it’s just so much damn fun to watch. It covers eeeeverthing that has ever interested me. It’s funny, it’s sad, it's full of women, it's got swords, it's romantic, violent, creative, it’s sooo interesting. They literally made-up a fake mythological character on par with Hercules. They so successfully did this, that Xena has as much notoriety than an actual Greek god, and I would bet 1,000 dinars a number of people actually believe Xena was in the history books, like Athena and Zeus.

Now. I'm gonna throw the math at you. Can you handle it? Can you? Handle it?

I figured I'd give each season a nonsensical slogan, why not.

Season 1: Welcome to the jungle, baby! You're gonna diieeeeeeeeeyyyya!

Season 2: Mass hysteria. Dogs and cats, living together.

Season 3: Thine rakefire doth stepeth to me? 'Tis my turn.

Season 4: Death to Smoochie.

Season 5: Ah, but one cannot survive on chakram throws alone. 

Season 6: The lady in red.

Get a load of this. Here's the breakdown of episodes and their star-counts per my rating system:

# of 10-star episodes: 1
# of 9-star episodes: 3
# of 8-star episodes: 25
# of 7-star episodes: 38
# of 6-star episodes: 40
# of 5-star episodes: 20
# of 4-star episodes: 4
# of 3-star episodes: 2
# of 2-star episodes: 1
# of 1-star episodes: 0

I favorited 75 Xena episodes total.

• Season 1 has 7 favorites
• Season 2 has 12 favorites
• Season 3 has 13 favorites
• Season 4 has 14 favorites
• Season 5 has 12 favorites
• Season 6 has 17 favorites

Breakdown of which seasons had the most of each star-rating:

The most 10-star episodes: Season 6
The most 9-star episodes: Season 6
The most 8-star episodes: Season 3
The most 7-star episodes: Tie between Season 2 and Season 5 with nine 7-star eps apiece
The most 6-star episodes: Season 1
The most 5-star episodes: Season 1
The most 4-star episodes: Season 5
The most 3-star episodes: Tie between Season 3 and Season 5 with one 3-star ep apiece
The most 2-star episodes: Season 5

The most 1-star episodes: Every episode of Hercules

Sum of stars per season. (Look at Season 5 here, god damn. I didn't realize this.):

Season 1: 146 total stars (Remember, it has two extra episodes)
Season 2: 141 total stars
Season 3: 144 total stars
Season 4: 143 total stars
Season 5: 138 total stars
Season 6: 155 total stars

Average stars per episode each season:

Season 1: 6.08
Season 2: 6.41
Season 3: 6.54
Season 4: 6.50
Season 5: 6.27
Season 6: 7.05

Ok, after these last two stats, I clearly need to reexamine Season 3. Maybe it should rank ahead of Season 5 in my life. Maybe even be ahead of Season 4, shit.  

Dramas per season:

Season 1: 14

Season 2: 12

Season 3: 10

Season 4: 15

Season 5: 16

Season 6: 15

Comedies per season: 

Season 1: 1

Season 2: 7

Season 3: 6

Season 4: 7

Season 5: 5

Season 6: 4

Dramadies per season:

Season 1: 9

Season 2: 3

Season 3: 6

Season 4: None

Season 5: 1

Season 6: 3

Number of episodes that made me cry, per season:

Season 1: 1

Season 2: 1

Season 3: 2

Season 4: 6

Season 5: 6

Season 6: 6

And this is what separates the men from the boys. Also probably why I didn't rank Season 3 any higher than Season 4. It's the emotional return that does it for me. Also interesting that the last three seasons tied here. I had no awareness of this balance. 

As mentioned in my Season 6 summary, I wondered if there were any 7+ star reviews that went shunned by the favorite box. Indeed there are three: “Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire,” “Motherhood,” and “The Royal Couple of Thieves." These eps each wave 7 stars like a flag in heat, while their favorite boxes remain cold and barren. This is weird to me. When I rewatch, I'll dubsy check. Otherwise:

• All 8+ episodes are favorites. 
• Of the many 6-star episodes, only 11 are favorites. The other 29 fell short. 
• As previously pondered, there is nothing below 6 stars that got faved. 

Odds and ends:

• Shortest title: "Eve"
• Longest title: “Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards” (So long, I copied and pasted it. I typed-out "Eve.")
• Season 1 is the only season with 24 episodes. The rest have 22.
• There are two musical episodes in Xena.
• There is one dancing-themed episode.
• There are six legit clips episodes.
• None of the clips episodes got favorited. Not a conscious decision.

[I will add to this as I think of more fun stuff!]

Xena: Season 6, Outtakes

I have never seen this before (fear of spoiling "A Friend in Need"). It's hilarious! Xena outtakes never fail to make me laugh. They always brighten my day. Always. 

Xena: Season 6 Summary

All right, let's break this shit DOWN. Now, I know it wasn't just Season 6 that I finished, I closed the entire series. [Dabs] And you don't understand how badly I want to just talk about the show roughshod in toto (and rewatch it and buy Xena paraphernalia and learn to ride a horse), but this post will specifically, unerringly cover Season 6, never straying from the path that god put it on. Later, I'll post a review for the whole show, carte blanche. 

When I first watched Season 6 in 2009, I was so. fucking. shocked. when all its episodes rolled-up toight and low in a Lamborghini Countach. Just completely blown away. After Season 5, I 100% thought Season 6 was gonna suck. I thought it would be the worst one, y'all. I fully believed that. I was literally so depressed, until I googled how the fans ranked all the seasons.

Outta the gate, the most surprising and notable thing about Season 6 is how lacklusterly it starts. It's the first and only season to do this, to start off with two low-impact episodes. I realize they can't all be "Fallen Angel," and Season 6 was coming off of a shaky Season 5, but damn. 

Of course, then Season 6 barrels headlong into a metric shitload of platinum hits. I had planned to say that things come to a halt when we get to "Send in the Clones," but they really don't. Like I still even enjoyed "Send in the Clones." The pony-star ep that follows isn't amazing, true, but no halt cometh. The season is strong pretty much all the way through. No halts, just dips. 

And it's got "When Fates Collide." I'm not gonna lie to y'all – I never have – but the only reason I reviewed this whole series, is so I could shade-in all 10 of the stars next to "When Fates Collide" in hot pink. Yeah. I ate candy and drank a Barolo, during. Lit candles, applied sensual oils.. I feel like the show had to come aaall this way, produce aaall these episodes so that someone could "get" Xena enough to write "When Fates Collide." The whole process of that further proving the show is perfect.

Lookie here. So much happens in Season 6. It could easily have been split into two seasons. Days could be spent recounting what happened, but because I'm a merciful glob, here's the tl;dr: 

1. Eve dives headfirst loyally and annoyingly into Christianity, never budging and never being awesome ever again
2. Ares is still forever hopelessly in love with Xena 
3. Varia herkies into our lives
4. In the first ep, Xena dies, but Gabrielle applies mouth-to-mouth and saves her life. I repeat: Gabrielle puts her lips on Xena's
5. Xena fucking kisses Ares
6. Cyrene has died and turned into the ghostess with the mostest
7. Gabrielle wrestles Xena naked
8. Gabrielle gets it on with Virgil while Xena gets it on with Lucifer 
9. Xena kisses Lucifer
10. Xena sidesteps the Archangels’ orders to run Hell and sexily saddles Archangel Lucifer with the job. What I’m saying is, Xena’s the reason Lucifer rules Hell
11. There's an orgy on Xena: Warrior Princess. Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long 
12. Xena and Gabrielle do a blood-racing Domme-y dance together in “Heart of Darkness”
13. Xena and Gabrielle shake what the good lord gave ‘em again in “Who’s Gurkhan.” Xena in particular is extremely bothered by the view
14. Gabrielle reunites with her sister Lila and rescues her daughter from Gurkhan, but can't go through with his assassination
15. Gabrielle accidentally kills an innocent person 
16. Cannibals wound and almost kill Gabrielle. For this, Xena kills them all
17. Gabrielle tells Xena she loves her
18. In the story of Beowulf, it’s actually Xena who makes and defeats Grindl
19. We learn Xena used to be a Valkyrie, the best one actually, and was Odin's other ride
20. Xena gets amnesia and marries the king of Denmark
21. Brunhilda falls HARD for Gabrielle
22. Beowulf also falls for Gabrielle
23. Sleeping Beauty is actually Gabrielle
24. The one to kiss Gabrielle and wake her up is Xena, because Xena is true love's kiss
25. Xena and Gabrielle put Ares in the witness protection program for the show’s hillbilly offering
26. Renee O'Connor directs another episode
27. Alexis Arquette stars as Caligula
28. Aphrodite kisses Gabrielle...just 🔥
29. Xena and Gabrielle dance erotically with each other a third time this season in "The God You Know"
30. Xena loses her ability to kill gods
31. Caligula steals Aphrodite’s godhood, causing everyone in the world to lose their ability to love
32. There's a reality TV episode with cameras and everything
33. Xena reinstates Ares' and Aphrodites' godhoods, righting the world once again
34. Xena and Gabrielle finally part ways with Eve for good
35. As queen, Gabrielle leads Xena and the Amazons into a devastating war
36. Almost all of the Amazons are wiped out
37. Almost all of the Centaurs are wiped out
38. Xena and Gabrielle get cloned into the 21st century
39. The best episode of Xena happens
40. Caesar fucks with Xena and Gabrielle’s fate
41. Xena tells Gabrielle that she loves her, twice, in this amazing episode
42. Gabrielle destroys the Loom of Fate
43. Xena commissions Sappho, an actual Lesbian, to write a poem for Gabrielle
44. Xena and Gabrielle fly using Hermes' helmet
45. Modern day scientists reveal an ancient marriage license between Ares and Xena. Xena shows up and destroys it
46. Xena fucking kisses Ares again
47. Japan
48. We meet Akemi but it's her last dance
49. Long ago, while fighting for her life, Xena inadvertently started a fire that lead to the deaths of 40,000 people
50. Gabrielle learns the sword
51. Xena teaches Gabrielle the pinch (twice) 
52. Gabrielle is able to wield the chakram
53. Gabrielle gets a tattoo
54. Gabrielle kisses Xena like she means it
55. Xena and Gabrielle tell each other they love each other for the last time
56. Xena dies a second time this season
57. Gabrielle sails away on her own

I know, right? It's a lot, but it is the last season.

Series Final Death-count

Xena: 5.5 (.5 for fake dying and skipping 25 years in Season 5)
Gabrielle: 4.5 (Ditto w/the .5) 

QUALITY: While in Texas at the beginning of Covid, I bought a newer DVD set of Xena: Warrior Princess - The Complete Series (Because I didn't have the foresight or wherewithal to bring my original set with me from NYC). It's the whole show on DVD but condensed to a single slender box. I watched Season 6 episodes 13–16 in Texas using that set. The collection remains in Texas to this day, sitting on my parents' bookshelf somewhere in the Suzy Orman sector. Maybe it was just my hypersensitive imagination at the time, but the quality seemed not great. I wish I'd brought the set back to Brooklyn with me, so I could tell you about the aspect ratio or at least how many discs there are, but the thing wouldn't fit in my suitcase. And honestly I thought I would've been back in Texas by now. My winter coat is also still there, and my 5x5 speed cube, if that tells you anything. 

I can tell you that for the Seasons 1-6 DVD bundle (You know, the big, bulbous DVD set with six separate box sets inside one oversized, ill-fitting box) the aspect ratio never changed. The episodes were 4:3 all the way through. I recall buzz about some of the later episodes being presented in widescreen. I don't recall the slender DVD set (Texas) featuring any widescreen, but I don't know for sure. If I go home and find that it does, I'll come back here and eat crow. I love crow.

RANK: Ok, now...This feels a little unfair, because Season 6 is such a chad. Before I laid out all the Season 6 episode reviews onto one sheet (so I could see the number of favorites and stars and shit all at once), I really wondered if Season 6 even made the technical cut as best season. I don't know why I thought there was a chance of that not happening. Season 6 has the most stars and favorites by FAR, thus, a no-brainer.

Favorite Seasons Rank:

1) Season 6

2) Season 4

3) Season 5

4) Season 3

5) Season 2

6) Season 1

...It doesn't mean I love the others any less. Also I really should reexamine this decision between Season 5 and 4, to make sure I'm not ranking out of spite or misplaced anger. In the Season 5 summary, I actually said I should think about moving Season 3 ahead of Season 5. Wow, so. I need to look at that, too...I can't believe 6 is number one. It really is that good.

Season 6 favorites I’m questioning: Should "Send in the Clones" be a fave? What makes a favorite? I come to you, today, asking. Because I remember what "Send in the Clones" is about, I think of it fondly, and it has such gay stuff as Gabrielle and Xena riding away together in a taxi, clinking champagne stems. I gave the ep 5 stars.

The only other 5-star rankers in the season are "The Haunting of Amphipolis" and "The Last of the Centaurs." 

• Seriously wondering why I gave "The Haunting of Amphipolis" only five stars and will definitely revisit this decision before next post.
• "The Last of the Centaurs" was for sure the weakest episode in the season. It was a slog, but it wasn't terrible, so five stars is just. Because "Clones" feels better than "Centaurs," I wonder if I underrated "Clones." 
• HOWEVER, since "Send in the Clones" is so clip-laden, I'd feel weird bumping it to 6 stars.
• So...do I favorite a 5-star episode?

Let's look at other 5-star favorites in the series. [Looks...] WOW. Not a single 5-star episode in the series has been deemed a favorite. If I changed "Send in the Clones" to a favorite, it would be the first 5-starrer to snatch that heavily sought-after fave. Huh. I didn't purposely withhold favorites from 5-star eps. There's no rule that says anything less than 6 stars won't get favorited. I fully expected to find a couple 5-star faves just now. When we get to 6-star reviews, things change. Would be interesting to see if 7+ reviews are always favorites, but this is a convo for another time.

Other eps I’m questioning: As just unearthed – "The Haunting of Amphipolis." I'm having all kinds of off-shot feelings right now that need to be caged and set aside, so that's what I'm doing. This post is turning into a Creeping Jenny before my very eyes. I gotta rewatch this episode. Might change it to a 6 and also favorite. 

Ep Chat: 

• "Soul Possession:" I'm realizing that this title is because Ares owned Xena’s soul in exchange for giving-back Gabrielle's soul. That’s so deep. It’s so interesting looking back at the titles and how they relate to the story. Does this title point to Xena and Gabrielle owning each other’s souls? Great name.
• "A Friend in Need: The Director's Cut:" Because this whole movie was stuck on a single DVD shared with a whole 'nother episode and some extra features I haven't explored, the resolution was low. That's ok, I'm really glad to have had access to the Director's Cut at all; I just needed to note the quality. Which I've done now. There's, I think, a solo DVD release of "AFIN:TDC" one can procure that I'm sure is high quality. I'd be into exploring that later.

SUBTEXT: Ho, ho, hooooomy GOD. The show's jewels are out in Season 6: 

1. Gabrielle gives Xena mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I can't explain how this is subtext, I just know that it is
2. Xena says to Eve, "I know how hard it is to say you're sorry to someone you love,” then she looks at Gabrielle and apologizes
3. Ares confuses regular Gabrielle with the imposter Gabrielle who recently got it on with him. He grabs Gabrielle suggestively, confused as to why she's not all up on him. Xena stops him, appalled 
4. Xena and Gabrielle's bodies become one again at the arms and legs
5. Gabrielle puts the pinch on Xena then brings her back to life, giving her a "small death"
6. Lucifer refers to Gabrielle as Xena's "blonde girlfriend"
7. Xena summons Gabrielle to dance with her during the orgy, at which point, Gabrielle drops what she's doing, which happens to be Virgil
8. Gabrielle hits Xena in the head with a balled-up dress to stop her kissing Lucifer
9. Xena confronts Gabrielle about making out with Virgil
10. Xena tells Lucifer that Gabrielle has been her partner for years
11. Xena can barely keep her shit together watching Gabrielle dance at Gurkhan's
12. Xena takes the fall for Gabrielle and gets her ass beaten so badly, she hallucinates Gabrielle dancing sexy for her to sooth herself
13. Xena is so pissed at seeing a guy wash Gabrielle's feet, she stops her important meeting in the desert and makes Gabrielle leave with her
14. In "The Abyss," Gabrielle spills all of her beans to Xena, telling her she loves her, that she wants to be buried with her, that Xena's path is her path, etc. That whole episode
15. Pretty sure Xena signed a letter to Gabrielle with a lipsticked open mouth kiss, after writing "My love for you is endless." 
16. Odin tells Brunhilda he's heard through the dickvine that she's in love with "Xena's partner"
17. Xena confesses to Gabrielle that she doesn't like Brunhilda and lists every reason except her obvious jealousy
18. Like Sleeping Beauty, Gabrielle sleeps eternal and can only be awakened by the kiss of her soulmate, who is Xena. Try to remember what the rules were in Sleeping Beauty (1959) and who woke her up
19. During an argument with Gabrielle, Ares asks her if there's anything they agree on. They both look at Xena
20. Xena doesn't like the reality TV crew touching Gabrielle
21. At the end of Nigel's broadcast, he asks Xena and Gabrielle about their relationship. Just when it looks like they're about to dish a meaty answer, the picture goes out
22. In Gabrielle's play "Fallen Angel," the couple at the end recite the words from the actual episode "Fallen Angel" to each other and their situation is romantic
23. Xena says, "Woah..These are spoken for," when Genia tries to lay her head upon her bosom
24. Xena makes a joke about cunnilingus when Genia eats her fish too fast
25. Gabrielle giggles in bed about something cold touching her feet and tells Xena to stop it
26. Xena got Sappho to write a poem for Gabrielle. Sappho. That is so gay. Sappho's why we call lesbian things "sapphic" and why we call lesbians "lesbians." Because Sappho loved women and is from the Greek island of Lesbos. Literal and actual. It's the mainest subtext I've ever seen.
27. Dr. Delaney announces at a conference that they unearthed proof that "Xena was married!" Everyone thinks, to Gabrielle! Then Dr. Delaney finishes, "-to Ares!"
28. Gabrielle casually tries to get info on Akemi out of Kenji
29. Xena intimately teaches Gabrielle the pinch, laying her life literally at Gabrielle's fingertips

If you see that I've missed something in this lush-ass list, please keep in mind it's not a list of everything relationshippy and sexual that happens between Xena and Gabrielle. It's only the subtext (i.e. things that hint at them being together). Still, it's likely I missed something.

Once again, I am startled at the sheer volume of how many other people our girls suck face/hook up with: Xena kisses Ares two mf times, Lucifer once (she sure likes 'em bad.) Our sweet angel Gabrielle makes out with Virgil (the kissing didn't occur onscreen, but I'm sure it happened, god dammit. One doesn't usually get to 2nd base without passing through 1st.) And Gabrielle and Aphrodite kiss! It's something I didn't dare to think of. Dude, Ares and Aphrodite are brother and sister and they each have a thing for Xena and Gabrielle, respectively. WOW. I see what y'all did there, love that so much.

Then there's the little thing of Gabrielle and Xena kissing three times this season. Three fucking times. Three. On camera for all of us to see. No one pulled it away from us like a dollar on a string.

Is there another TV show that pulled-off such a final season? I love this show so much. LOVED Season 6 with my whole body. You can tell so many in production cared about Xena: Warrior Princess. So much heart went into it and nowhere more evident than Season 6. I'm forever grateful.

Series confab to come!

ἰδού! The Gold Standard of Television: Season 6 of Xena: Warrior Princess:

Xena: Season 6, Episode 22: "A Friend in Need, Part 2"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

“I Didn't Hate It, Part 2” 

Not to be dramatic, but every moment of writing this review was pure and utter agony. Just bittersweet anguish, from choosing which awesome parts to include to analyzing and reading really sad words over and over, I did struggle. Nevertheless, she persisted. This is the first time I've seen this, a reminder. And this will be quite the review, because it's the last of the whole series, so just hold onto your pantaloons. 

The beginning of this episode: Xena buries her shit. 

Then we all know what happens...

Please don't wish me harm, but frankly I relish Xena getting shot with every arrow. I think it’s fascinating, watching characters react to pain. It was believable each time she was struck, her expressions, the noises she made, etc. And when Xena decided she'd had enough arrowing and switched to kick-ass mode, she slaughtered soldiers holding the katana stabby style. It reminded me of Conan the Barbarian wielding his sword, almost like a twirler. It was fluid and magic, and I loved it.

I incorrectly assumed Xena's death would be somebody legit overcoming Xena. You know, that she'd finally met her match, but that's spectacularly not what happened. Her death was more an elaborate suicide. She knew she had to die but wanted to make her death count. I mean, I get it: Homegirl didn’t want to drag Gabrielle through the torment of killing her girlfriend, she wanted to take-out as many bad guys as possible, and she wanted to die a warrior’s death. 

And I hear everyone's alternative ideas to still achieve these things without overkill. I do! But IN THE END…Xena is a warrior. She’s the warrior princess, y’all. I thought the death scene – though we didn’t get to see her die, which hurts me – was resplendent. That red splash of blood when whatshisface cuts her head off? [Chef’s kiss] 

It was a coward’s gambit to maim Xena with the rain of arrows, but that's also slimly brilliant, because it was the only way to defeat her. Think of it like that: She's so powerful, it takes 1,000 men and thousands of lily-livered arrows to bring her down. I read a quick synopsis somewhere that said she "allows" herself to be killed. That’s the perfect word. Xena allowed herself to be killed. "I'll allow it." Yes. 

The most painful-looking arrow wound: One could say the arrow to the gut or the arrow to the gd knee, but I'm going to go with the bolt in the forearm, near the inner elbow. My grrrd. Ouch, ouch, ouch. 

I appreciated the care with which the introduction of Gabrielle to Akemi was paid. Gabrielle, as always, was so graceful, upstanding, and big, even tender and sympathetic to Akemi. Almost like she knew how Akemi felt about Xena, knew Akemi would never know Xena the way Gabrielle does. She’s instantly warm to Akemi. What a treat.

In unhinged continuation of pointing-out things that were hot in AFIN: Xena laying beside Gabrielle as Gabrielle got tortured with a massive tattoo is way the hell up there. Way the hell. It was so sensual… And just the fact that Xena is a spirit while Gabrielle is alive, and they're interacting like this. After these reviews are concluded, I will seek-out Gabrielle and Ghost-Xena fanfic. Thank you.

I mentioned a while ago that when Xena was originally airing, I watched the first two seasons then moved to Austin and didn't have time to watch the show anymore. Though I did proudly hang a Xena poster in my house, which I think I've shown you. Anyway, I would see stills here and there of the show as it went along over the years, and I told you how I felt about Gabrielle's short hair. When I first saw it, I haaaated. it. Then I saw "Between the Lines" in 2009 and omg, I loved her short locks. I don't know when I became aware of Gabrielle's tattoo. Probably somewhere in the 2010's, but oh I hated it, too, upon seeing it without context. I thought it was show-ruining, kinda like Felicity when Felicity cut her hair short and they canceled the show. But now, seeing this episode and how Gabrielle got the tattoo, holy frick I worship it. My god. This show taught me so much.

Set aside that Gabrielle is a sheer bad-ass in this episode, she looks so fucking hot in her blue and black battle clothes. When she calmly circles Morimoto in that outfit, it's almost more than I can handle. It competes among my favorite moments of the episode, and might be my #1. It's like the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. And when the back of her top gets blown out, showing-off and practically framing that painfully-begotten dragon tattoo? Please. Just..please.

Also, and I knew I would, I love that Xena’s body gets hacked-up. Then again, I adore horror, and I cherish when bad things happen to the protagonist. It just adds this new dimension to everything that I can’t get enough of. Like we get to see Gabrielle react to seeing Xena’s dead body. That was stunning. You guys. They took their time with that scene, she gets sick, she hyperventilates, just that shot of X’s legs dangling with an arrow through them. What a vision. 

Another thing that got me that isn’t really spotlighted is Xena’s funeral for an audience of one. One person was at Xena’s funeral. This is both so sad and ideal. It got me to thinking, many of us assume celebrities have huge funerals. I don’t know, this just affected me a lot. Has Gabrielle every buried or burned Xena before?

Jumping to the tea house slaughter...man, I frickin love this shit. Kenji getting his head cut off reminds me of Kill Bill again. I can't remember exactly when or who, but someone gets beheaded in a spray of blood in Kill Bill, Vol. 1. Don't get me wrong, I love Kenji, but his lovability makes it all the more gruesome and shocking when Yodoshi kills him. Xena cuts Yodoshi's head off at the end with the same flair with which she used to kill Akemi in Part 1. She twirls and comes down on him with the katana, it's magnificent.

The kiss was nice, if a little weak. I wish it had happened at a different time in the episode, and not during a moment where one wouldn’t normally want to make out with their girlfriend. You know, like in the middle of a sensitive life and death encounter while one party's struggling to breath. And it coulda been more passionate...I'm just saying. I'M HAPPY TO HAVE IT AT ALL.

I love that Gabrielle says, "I don’t care," when talking about 40,000 souls suffering. This is some astute writing. We know she totally cares, but she loves Xena so much, Xena's soul is worth more to her than 40,000 others. And of course, Xena absorbs these words like a mother would a child. It feels like she could almost laugh at Gabrielle, if the situation weren't so dire. It becomes another way Gabrielle tells Xena she loves her. She just loses her mind a little bit. Ugh, it's so intense. And so interesting, because Xena wants to come back, but she knows Gabrielle wouldn’t be able to live with herself if those souls were lost because of her selfishness. Xena’s doing what Gabrielle would want her to do. Gabrielle has, in a way, created her own monster. It’s a classic catch-22 (Is it?) (It is.)

 

On that note, Gabrielle tells Xena she loves her, but Xena doesn’t say it back. I think this is also great writing, because for Xena to have said it would take the punch out of the words. Xena knows Gabrielle knows Xena loves her. The situation is actually reversed in Part 1, when Xena says it and Gabrielle doesn't say it back. There is a lot of mirroring that takes place in AFIN, which I covet. 

Then...they put their heads together and hold each other until Xena disappears. I’m so glad they went with simple closeness in the final moments, because it’s more believable than say, a couple kissing, which is more sexual than love. It's gut-wrenching how delicate this time is.   

So sad when: 

1) Xena teaches Gabrielle the pinch. 

2) Gabrielle finds Xena’s dead bod.

3) Gabrielle sets Xena's funeral pyre on fire.

4) Xena’s body disappears at the end.

Here be a few quibbles: I don’t like that Gabrielle is taught the sword in one episode. They had all series to do this. Felt like an afterthought.

Xena didn’t kill all those people. That was 1) the city's fault for not having higher housing safety standards, AND 2) she was frickin defending herself! It wasn’t like she fell over drunk and set the city on fire. The townspeople fucking picked on her (for doing the honorable thing, even) and tried to lynch her. She fought back. Come on, writers. I could believe, more, that Xena would just outright agree to die to save 40,000 souls with no more connection than that. Why not just write around that?  

Xena would’ve fought and fought and fought to be with Gabrielle. She would’ve looked for a loophole for the rest of her existence. She wouldn’t just say, “Whelp! That’s it! I’m done, you’re on your own. No way to fix this!” That’s not how Xena's mind works. I disagree, sir. 

However, to address the argument that Xena wouldn't just leave Gabrielle and give-up her life like that, yes, she would. She's done this before. She has. To name a few: she gave her soul over to Callisto that one time in Hell, she was gonna kill herself when she tried to kill Hope to save the world, she put herself in a situation where she was going to leave Gabrielle forever to kill the emperor of Chin. There are so many instances. I'll add them as I think of them, but Xena has tried to kill herself a LOT. This ain’t her first rodeo, so two things 1) It makes sense that Xena “dies” at the end of this rich, gorgeous series. She often dies at the end of a season anyway, and 2) no, I don’t believe for a second that she’s fully dead. Xena always comes back. She always comes back. Gabrielle has her damned ashes, so we know it’s coming. 

That said, I read that in the non-Director's Cut, they show Gabrielle alone on the boat after her and Xena's banter about needing a girl with a chakram. This is most excellent to me, and I think I prefer that ending over the DC's hopeful one. I don’t like sugar-coated things, and the original ending seems more stark and impactful, but still with a little wiggle room for hope.  

# of times Xena gets shot by an arrow: 5 

# of times someone’s naked back is filmed with a robe draping off: 2 

# of beheadings in this story: 4 

# of urns in this story: 2 

Summary Talk: It’s a GREAT episode of Xena: Warrior Princess. I think some of the fan disgruntlement argues not whether the episode was good or bad, but that the creators didn’t read the room. Like, I personally wouldn't choose AFIN as the series finale. The story would work better around 6:19 or 6:20. "When Fates Collide" should’ve been last. I’m ok with the order, though. I respect it and think it's still a strong end to the show. 

It helps that I knew Xena’s death was coming, and it helps that I’ve read so much fan fiction, haha, to know that “A Friend in Need” is by far not the end of Xena: Warrior Princess. The stories in fan fiction are END. LESS. There’s not a single person in the world who’s read every Xena story. It’s literally impossible, there are so many. 

I did think it weak that the show suddenly introduces a new character and doesn’t want to end in Greece where all the magic happened. (I mean, after all, Xena is a fake Greek mythological character.) The episode is gorgeous, and I looove Japan (omg so much), but for the Xena series finale? It’s like setting the Sex and the City finale in Boise, Idaho. The mark is missed, no matter how great the story is. Like why would the creators do this? One could say someone put their artistic ambitions ahead of the good of the show, which is ironic, considering. That said, *I, personally,* loved and treasured that this show went to Japan, lol.  

Adding Akemi also kind of is just like...they keep adding all these women that Xena falls in love with, when at the beginning of the series, the impression is given that Gabrielle is the first person who had an impact on Xena in that way. Also unclear if this is before Lao Ma or after. I think it’s after. I love Xena's women, but not for the final episode. Akemi was somewhat a competing love story, which is annoying. It felt trite, a waste of time, and redundant. Redundant, because Akemi is basically another Gabrielle, asking Xena to teach her everything and take her with her. This wasn't awful, just a little lazy. 

That I was a bit confused about what the hell was happening, when Xena cut her hair off over Akemi and walked around trashed through Higuchi, speaks again to how disconnected and unbuyable the Akemi storyline was. Xena was so fucked up over Akemi that sheeee cuts her hair off? Xena lost her shit that hard, and this is the first we're hearing of it? What? When? 

I know it seems like I didn't care for episode, because of the guff I'm dishing, but I actually love it. I'm most critical of things I know can be better. 

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the entire series by posting "series spoiler" before said item number. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: [Pulls arrow out of right arm and stands up.] "All right. Now you asked for it.” – Dude, SWEET. 

2) X: “Gabrielle!.. Gabrielle!” – How extreme this is. Xena's about to buy the farm, and all she can think about is her girlfriend. 

3) Akemi: “You came to me in my dreams and I thought it was reality. Now you come to me in reality. It feels like it’s a dream. Either way, I’m filled with joy.” – But it's not reality, what's Akemi playin' at.

4) G: “The ghost killer. What’s he doing?” Kenji: “His job, speeding wandering souls on their way before they can be devoured by Yodoshi. Perhaps he sees Xena.”G: “Xena is alive! Do you understand? She is alive.” – You tell ‘em, girl!! 

5) Akemi: “I want to write a verse to express how I feel but there’s no poetry of sufficient beauty.” – The way Xena smiles here. Man, when Akemi goes in, she goes hard. 

6) X: “I am at your service, Lord Yodoshi.” Yodoshi: “You most certainly are. An eternity of playing the whore to service my appetite for souls.” – He barely get this line out, but she’s no stranger to playing the whore. I love this scene. 

7) A: “You know you are being watched.” X: “Akemi, I can still hear your heart beating, and I can hear everyone of Miyuki's clumsy foot falls.” – This is so toight. 

8) G: “Xena.” X: “Gabrielle. What are you doing here?” G: “I was so worried about you. I found your chakram. There’s so much blood.” X: “I’m all right.” – Such a liar. 

9) X: “Gabrielle, I’m going to kill the lord of the dark land.” G: “You’ll need this.” X: “[Can't hold the chakram.] I can’t take that." – This is so cool. 

10) X: “It’s difficult to explain.” G: “You’re dead.” – No, no, it’s not what it looks like!...Ok, it is. 

11) G: "You're dead. How could you let yourself be killed?” X: “I’m sorry, Gabrielle. I couldn’t tell you. You’d have tried to stop me, and then we’d both be dead.” G: “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” X: “We’ve overcome death before. We will find a way to bring me back." – See THEEESE are the WORRDSS. 

12) G: “You’re my whole life, Xena.” – I love that Xena closes her eyes at hearing this. I'd put this shot in a locket, if I could.

13) G: “I won’t lose you.” X: “You won’t lose me.” – Narrator: She loses her. 

14) X: “Put down your weapons, Gabrielle.” – Love this whole dynamic and the way she says this. Gabrielle is ready to throw hands for Xena. 

15) X: “This is my soulmate. She’s a poet like you, Akemi.” – I am surprised every time I hear one of them say this. It’s so gay.

16) Harukata: “I have one question. Would you risk your life for the return of hers?” G: “Without hesitation.” – Love the way Gabrielle says “without hesitation” without hesitation. 

17) X: “Gabrielle this is Akemi.” Akemi: “It is an honor to meet you at last.” G: “And you, Akemi.” – This is exchange is perfect, said perfectly, really sweet. 

18) Akemi: “Wait. I would like to give you something to protect you on your journey.” – This is when Bon Jovi should start playing, but it doesn’t. 

19) X: “Good luck, old friend.” G: “I am getting your body back, Xena, no matter where they have hidden it. Before sunset tomorrow, we will meet again on the side of Mt. Fujisan.” X: “See you there.” – OMG, so maybe now Gabrielle is the friend in need. 

20) Morimoto: “Your friend was a fine opponent. She provided me with one of the greatest trophies an honorable samurai could ever claim.” G: “You call yourself honorable? You outnumbered her a thousand to one. You’re not a samurai. You’re a fraud. You couldn’t have killed Xena unless she wanted you to.” Morimoto: “I think it’s you with a death wish!” G: “I accept the challenge.” – I love Gabrielle just laying it on the table for this douchebag. 

21) Morimoto: “It was the greatest honor of my life to send Xena to an early grave. If I cannot do the same to you, then I ask you to grant me a noble defeat. Please, remove my head in one stroke.” – I hold dear that everyone's ultimate goal in life is to be the one to kill Xena. 

22) G: “You will return to me, my friend.” – OMG, Gabrielle has become the friend in need, indeed.

23) X: “Yodoshi is a hawk. Even with his injuries, in bird form he can reach Fujisan in half a day.” A: “Yes, but he's weakened. We're no longer confined to these physical illusions. We could change into other vessels.” X: “What about them? [Points to two poor birds.] Akemi: “Yes.” X: “Good.” – What is going on. 

24) Akemi: “Xena. Gabrielle is on her way to Mt. Fujisan, and if she succeeds...” X: “She'll succeed, don't worry. She's very good at what she does.” – The way X sidesmiles here. This is so sexy, her confidence in Gabrielle. 

 

25) Akemi: “I'm so sorry.” X: “Akemi...what's wrong?” Akemi: “I have to tell you, what must be done to save those souls, but I feel my own soul is doomed for what I am about to tell you.” [Some time passes that we don’t see.] X: “I know that you did what you thought you had to, Akemi, and perhaps by releasing those souls we'll all be redeemed. Come on.” – This whole past section is an important convo that wasn’t included in the original cut of the episode. I feel so bad for those who had to watch the episodes without the details that redeem the CHARACTERS in this story. Then again, I respect the removal of talking to make way for more awesome shots and action. 

26) Morimoto: “You'll come to regret not allowing me a warrior's death.” G: “It's not too late to put that right!” – This is the first and perhaps only joke in the second episode. 

27) G: “The sun is setting, Xena. I have to find your ashes.” X: “Gabrielle ” – This is so sad. 

28) Yodoshi: “You are about to join the 40,000 souls you condemned, Xena. And the first thing I’ll do is take the head off your little friend with the tattoo.” X: “You won’t live that long.” – A second joke?? Is it funny or just bad-ass?? Haha! Also, "little friend with the tattoo." Awe-inspiring. 

29) Akemi: “You’ve redeemed me. You’ve redeemed them! You’ve redeemed yourself!” X: “Go in peace, Akemi. We’ll meet again one day.” – This tells me Xena has no intention of seeing Akemi again anytime soon. Akemi won’t replace Gabrielle. The story doesn't even give her a second thought. 

30) X: “Akemi didn’t wanna tell me this in case I wouldn’t come back to help, but for those souls to be released into a state of grace, they must be avenged. I must stay dead.” – Eye roll. 

31) G: “But if I bring you back to life-" X: “Those souls will be lost forever.” G: “But Xena, that is not right.” – I love this line. That is not right. 

32) G: [Crying] “I don’t care. You’re all that matters to me.” – I’m so glad this line exists in this story, and I love how it isn’t explained. It’s clear what Gabrielle means when she says, “I don’t care.” She means, “Fuck all those people.” People will go to any extreme for love. I would've said the same thing. 

33) G: “I love you, Xena. How am I supposed to go on without you?” X: “I’ll always be with you, Gabrielle. Always.” – But she wooooon't, and Gabrielle knows it. 

34) G [Whispers]: “Xena.” – Exactly. 

35) G: “A life of journeying has brought you to the farthest lands, to the very edges of the Earth.” X: “And to the place where I’ll always remain, in your heart.” – Well, that’s presumptuous. Seriously, though, it's so deep. I won’t take it away from them with a bad joke, even though it was funny. This is beautiful.

36) X: "So, where to now?” G: “I think we should go south to the land of the Pharaohs. I hear they need a girl with a chakram.” – This begins the repeated but swapped convo from the beginning of Part 1. I feel like this is the kind of chatter the gynecologist offers to distract from the fact her hand is inside you. The audience is traumatized. This conversation is tossed-on, but also a lot of work. 

37) X: “Where you go, I'm at your side.” G: “I knew you’d say that.” – They said this in the first episode except the speakers were reversed. Xena’s last words. Gabrielle’s last words.

EXTRA LOVED:

• X uses her chakram like a shovel to bury her shit 
• X’s death outfit, fan service-y as it is 
• How smokey it is during the battle with Morimoto 
• The chakram ricocheting off guy  
• X kicking those broken spears into people 
• X breaking off the arrows in her body 
• X getting shot with arrows 
• X pulls out an arrow, kills someone with katana in the same breath
• X killing everyone with the katana 
• X just thinking of and screaming G’s name while she’s dying/killing 
• X’s death scene with that red splash of blood 
• X putting on that red robe 
• Y’s black nails, lord have mercy 
• Y making X bow to him 
• X can’t take the chakram 
• H killing Miyuki 
• X leaping for that anklet 
• G walking into that tea house 
• X watching G walk to the tea house 
• G’s naked, tatted bod in that sheet 
• H&K blessing the katana 
• G’s battlegear  
• G using that whip, damn 
• X’s dead, headless body 
• It’s raining during G’s reconnaissance mission 
• G cutting X’s body down 
• M’s manbun  
• All M’s guards bowing to G as she rides out w/X's body
• X workin’ that anklet 
• Y T-1000-ing himself back into a standing position after dripping from the rafter in the tea house 
• H’s death 
• X kicking the sword out of Y’s hand, and cutting off his arm 
• G lighting the pyre 
• Mt. Fuji  
• G falling with her horse. Neat stunt!
• X trying to get that spirit water. I hear you gf! 
• X dying in her red robe 
• Y swallowing A. What a nightmare. 
• G’s glorious back exposed through the burnt hole in her shirt  
• G supporting X’s head as the fountain water does its trick
• X suddenly whipping back into her leathers that she buried 
• X still excited to kick Y’s ass even though she knows she’s not getting her life back
• G ensnaring X’s ashes 
• X stabbing Y without looking, my favorite stabbing maneuver of hers 
• X not letting G do the ashes thing  
• X telling G that she was learning from her all this time to know the right thing to do, which is why she chooses to stay dead, instead of doing what she really wants to do so badly, which is let G bring her back to life so they can be together.  
• G telling X she loves her, X saying she will always be with her 
• X holding each other with G's dragon tattoo right there 
• G seeing X’s face in the sunset  

EXTRA NOTES:

In the beginning of the battle scene, X is listening, a common theme 

I-eee am not sure what to say about the mushroom nuclear explosion during the battle Is this a commentary on WWII? 

The drummers remind me of the Fury Road  

52:16 X standing up with her own blood slicked down her body, awesome 

G incorporated a whip into her act  

Every shot of G in her fight with M is perfectly balanced  

G burning X’s body, reminds me of Conan burning Valeria’s body in Conan the Barbarian (1982)  

X & A choosing their birds reminds me of that scene in Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002) where Austin is like “one of us has to get on the other one's shoulders” then we see Austin on Mini-Me's shoulders. It's obvious X will be the owl and A the little bird, but wouldn’t it be funny if... 

I saw Mt. Fuji last year around this time, whilst flying from Japan to Taiwan. I thought it was just a big mountain, until the flight attendant announced on the loud speaker what it was. It’s really beautiful. 

I like that we don’t really see Akemi again after Y swallows her. The episode isn’t about her, in other words. She's not the real friend in need, y'all. Translated, the title is, "A Lover in Need."

Like I mentioned last review, I listened to this song the day I reviewed this episode and was shocked to learn that I had not already posted it in a previous review. This song feels great, and if you read the lyrics (something I usually never do or count on), they...well..they're of this episode.