Every Xena Episode, Ranked

Look at this shit. It took me hours to do this, and it's in no way solidified. But here, nonetheless.

SUBJECT TO CHANGE, BEEOOOTCH

Xena: Warrior Princess: 10th Anniversary Collection

True story.

I have been waiting mf years to talk about this compilation. I hadn't even opened it yet. I actually just took a trip to Manhattan in the middle of a plague to dig this it outta storage. BECAUSE BITCH. I didn't want to simply look at the info on Amazon; I wanted to hold it in my hands, concrete and pure power. Now that the series is over, and I don't have to worry about this absolute ambrosia of a box set swaying my judgment, let's get this shit underway.

First, here is the box set in detail:

Front of box and portfolio.

Back of box and portfolio. I hope you can see the pic clearly, because I'm not typing all that out. Also, just a note: I know this set is eight years old, probably older since it was printed and probably sitting in a warehouse for six years before it made it to me. See that flap of paper on the back of the box? (right) It's just pasted on, unlike the silver logo on the front, which is burned into the box. This is fine, but the glue is so old, that the paper is pealing off. It's held down by just two corners and a promise now. I kinda like it this way, so I'm not going to fix it at all.

The whole thing folded out. Look at the thoughtful, strategic placement of our heroes.

I love that they display the big players on the inside. Xena and Gabrielle get no more than one disc apiece. So from left to right, we got Callisto, Xena, Autolycus, Joxer–

–Ares, Gabrielle, and...Salmoneus. Salmoneus is an interesting choice. It's not that I don't like him, but when I think of Xena characters, he's way, way, waaay down the list. Like I think of Argo before I think of Salmoneus, no offense. I feel like this is a reach and the slot should've gone to Aphrodite, Alti, Ephiny, or even Caeser or Borias...OMG, I just checked, because why not, and he's not even in any of the episodes in the collection. What the actual fuck.

This is the back completely folded out, part 1. The whole back's aaaall Xena and Gabrielle (mostly Xena). Nice touch.

Here's the back folded out, part 2.

When you first take out the set and open it.

A further unfolding.

The penultimate unfolding.

You did it.

Pretty nice! I photographed this box once before, and I can't remember if it was shrink-wrapped when I got it, because there's no sign of it in the 2012 pics, but I don't believe I've really pulled this out and looked at it until now, so this is an exclusive. 

My box set has a copyright date of 2006, it's is a 7-disc set, a collection of 17 episodes. The eps included are so good and, I must mention, "fan-selected" as advertised on the back. The episodes go in order of ascension and could tell a story of Xena. I am gonna go out on a limb here and say that liberties were taken in the final selections for this compilation. I find it hard to believe that fans advocated for the inclusion of some of these. (Looking mostly at "A Friend in Need." Though *I* love that episode, I know fans generally loathe it.) 

I appreciate that they did this in classy black and white. In case you skipped the pic descriptions, Salmoneus occupies one of the prestigious character slots, yet isn't featured in a single episode in the collection. This is poor. This brings me to Autolycus. I see why they included him, because Bruce Campbell has a huge following and there are people who love Xena simply because he's in it. AND he's memorable and in twice as many episodes as Salmoneus. He's a mainstay, which is why I'm not as bothered with his inclusion, HOWEVER...He is also not in any of the episodes in this collection. 

Who shit the bed here? Someone scatted all over the sheets. What happened? Like maybe there was a different row of episodes lined up when the DVD art was printed, then they changed the episodes? I could see that. 

Here is a list of popular supporting characters actually featured in the episodes of this collection: 

• Draco ("Sins of the Past," "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire")
• Cyrene ("Sins of the Past," "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire," "Amphipolis Under Siege")
• Callisto ("Callisto," "The Bitter Suite," "The Ides of March," "Fallen Angel")
• Joxer ("Callisto," "Been There, Done That," "The Bitter Suite," "Fallen Angel," "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire," "When Fates Collide")
• Ephiny ("Is There a Doctor in the House?" "The Bitter Suite")
• Ares ("The Bitter Suite," "Amphipolis Under Siege," "Old Ares Had a Farm")
• Caesar ("The Bitter Suite," "The Ides of March," "When Fates Collide") 
• Archangel Michael ("Fallen Angel")
• Athena ("Amphipolis Under Siege," "Motherhood")
• Aphrodite ("Motherhood," "Many Happy Returns")
• Eve ("Motherhood")
• Alti ("When Fates Collide")

I know I'm making a big deal out of this, but just listen to me. The names in bold are already pictured on the set. Salmoneus and Autolycus aren't even bulleted, because they're not in these episodes. LOOK at everyone else! Literally anyone else on this list would've been appropriate, even single episoders, because at least they're in one of the fucking episodes in this collection. 

Like ok, ok, ok, if I loaned this to a friend who'd never seen Xena, let's say they know who Bruce Campbell is (which they all do, because they're my friends, and I don't attract people who wouldn't know who he is). They'd see his picture there on the set and be like, "Oh, yay!" then watch these episodes and not fucking see him appear in any of them. That's false advertising. More importantly, they'd see Salmoneus on the insert and be like, "Who the fuck is this guy?" and never have that question answered. Do you see how weird that is? 

I am having problems with the presentation.

Moving on. I said I wouldn't do this, and I cannot believe that this isn't typed-out anywhere on the internet (seriously not one place), but I clacked-out the little sleeve note discussing the set: 

This anniversary DVD set is the ultimate collection of Xena episodes, revealing the remarkable journey that began with the series opener, Sins of the Past and ended with the director's cut of its finale, A Friend in Need. In between are 14 episodes representing the best moments of heroism, laughter, drama and spirit of Xena, her loyal companion Gabrielle and all of the other unforgettable characters that came in and out of the Warrior Princess' life. 

You selected your favorite episodes from Xena's Six Seasons to go into this Anniversary Collection. Along with those 16 episodes, we've developed numerous new documentaries about you, the Xena fans, and for you, providing insight into the background of Xena's character and glimpses behind the scenes on the set of Xena: Warrior Princess. Without fans like you, Xena and Gabrielle could never have the adventures, relationships, and love that they expressed throughout the series. So we've created this one of a kind 10th Anniversary Collection to salute Xena and Gabrielle ... and you.

Awesome! This explains why "Sins of the Past" and "A Friend in Need" is stuck in a collection of fan-selected episodes, but I'd call this grouping more of a primer than a "best of" or "ultimate collection."

I can't wait to see if any of these episodes are widescreen and if the quality of "A Friend in Need" is any better than on my regular DVD set. I bet it is!

Furthermore, I seriously don't mean any ill will to anyone, but I will probably not be watching the extra segments featuring the fans. I love Xena fans like nobody's business, but I'm just here to see Xena. ..I might watch them if I'm drunk.

The 10th Anniversary Collection episode roster is as such:

1. "Sins of the Past"
2. "Callisto"
3. "Is There a Doctor in the House?"
4. "A Day in the Life"
5. "Been There, Done That"
6. "The Bitter Suite"
7. "One Against an Army"
8. "The Ides of March"
9. "Fallen Angel"
10. "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire"
11. "Amphipolis Under Siege"
12. "Motherhood"
13. "Old Ares Had a Farm"
14. "When Fates Collide"
15. "Many Happy Returns"
16. "A Friend in Need, Part 1"
17. "A Friend in Need, Part 2"

Pretty ambitious and bold choice to include both Xena's musical episodes; I didn't include a single one in my top 17. Hell, there isn't even one in my top 80. And don't look at me like that, I love musicals. 

I can't believe there are no Valkyrie episodes, but I can see why this happened, because it's three episodes and they would've had to include them all, taking-up valuable real estate. I'm certain they were on the cutting room floor.

Here is the 10th Anniversary episode count from each season:

Season 1: 3 episodes

Season 2: 1 episode

Season 3: 3 episodes

Season 4: 1 episode

Season 5: 4 episodes...

Season 6: 5 episodes

I kinda don't get this, but if I factor-in politics, I do get this. Also, I haven't even weighed my own favorite episodes and how each season is represented in numbers and pride, so I could be a hypocrite.

With the exception of a couple episodes, whose fan-insisted inclusion makes me embarrassed to be gay, this compilation is solid. I would've chosen almost the same were I faced with the task. However, I am taken aback by the fact that, if you're gonna insert four fucking episodes from Season 5, you somehow manage to not include "Chakram."

While I am largely excited and happy with the episode selection for this ass-kicking "Greatest Hits," here are my top 17 episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess in order of dope af to the tits:   

1. “When Fates Collide”
2. “Fallen Angel”
3. “The Ides of March”
4. “Return of the Valkyrie”
5. “The Ring”
6. “The Rheingold”
7. “One Against an Army”
8. “A Friend in Need, Part 2”
9. “Sacrifice II”
10. “Return of Callisto”
11. “Between the Lines”
12. “Chakram”
13. “A Day in the Life”
14. “Who’s Gurkhan”
15. “Callisto”
16. “The Debt II”
17. “A Family Affair”

Note: The Valkyrie trilogy really is that good, and that's why I included all of them. I didn't just put them in there because they're a set. And I love them in that order (they're backwards.)

Here is my episode count from each season:

Season 1: 1 episode

Season 2: 2 episodes

Season 3: 3 episodes

Season 4: 3 episodes

Season 5: 2 episodes

Season 6: 6 episodes

I'm going to make a few comments about the 10th Anniversary Collection episodes and why or why not I would've included the eps in this collection (My faves are marked with a material girl hot pink star.): 

1. "Sins of the Past:" While I adore this episode (it's like a newborn baby), it's not particularly strong. But I can see why someone who had to make sense of these episodes would put it in. (6 stars)
2. ★"Callisto:" Yes, birth of our favorite villain. I agree with this. (8 stars)
3. ★"Is There a Doctor in the House?:" I'll allow it, yes. It's a good and formative Xena episode. (7 stars)
4. ★"A Day in the Life:" I concur. It's also in mine. (8 stars)
5. ★"Been There, Done That:" I frickin loooove this episode. It warms my heart that the other fans do, too. (7 stars)
6. "The Bitter Suite:" I am a huge Broadway fan, huge musical nerd. I think it's probably best I don't get involved here. I got criticism. In a nutellashell, I would rather this story been told straight, instead of sung. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it or haven't watched it a dozen times. The thrust of this episode is sooo critical and intense, too. I wish it were done better, but I'm glad it exists. Does that make sense? (6 stars)
7. ★"One Against an Army:" YES, it's incredible. I get chills just thinking about this episode. I remember when I first saw it, it was like a great rollercoaster. (8 stars)
8. ★"The Ides of March:" Yes, it's incredible. This episode is just incredible. (8 stars) 
9. ★"Fallen Angel:" When I saw this, it was the best Xena episode I had ever seen. My first 9-star rating. This show leveled-up with each season, and that certainly held true here. This was the best season opener and the best episode of Season 5. Tough act to follow. (9 stars)
10. "Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire:" Like "The Bitter Suite," I'm not totally against this episode. I can see why fans love it. It's awesome and a romp, just not one I would put in a "best of" compilation, especially after already including "The Bitter Suite." (7 stars)
11. ★"Amphipolis Under Siege:" For Athena alone, I see how this episode made it. I am almost certain she and Ilainus are why the fans green-lit the nomination so hard. Athena's character was so strong, it was enough to make everyone overlook the fact that Xena kinda cheated on Gabrielle here. (7 stars)
12. "Motherhood:" I am conflicted about this episode, still. BUT, it is awe-inspiring. It showcases Athena once more, and if someone is watching this show for the first time, it reveals that Xena killed all the Greek gods, which is mind-blowing. Such a great Xena plot point. It is a very good example of how high this show will reach. Yes, the ep makes sense in this compilation. There's no other example of Xena overthrowing the pantheon, a hook that must be told. God, maybe I should add this to my favorites fuck. (7 stars)
13. ★"Old Ares Had a Farm:" I do love this episode and love that it was included on this comp. It's making me rethink its ranking of ~62 on my overall list. I think I ranked it like that, because it's a comedy. I just feel like there are other episodes that are peak Ares. (7 stars)
14. ★"When Fates Collide:" This requires no explanation. If fans were asked to provide a list of their top 5, this would be #1 on everyone's list. (10 stars)
15. ★"Many Happy Returns:" This episode is great and all, but 1) there are cuter, funnier Aphrodite episodes, and 2) who cares about Genia? I am 100% positive fans pulled the trigger here simply because of the Sappho poem, and that's good enough for me. It's so tender and memorable. (6 stars)
16. ★"A Friend in Need, Part 1:" While I love this episode, I know it's only on here because it's the last episode. Also, these last two episodes aren't really needed. This compilation could've closed with "When Fates Collide." These are just two episodes taking up precious space. If you're not including Valkyrie stuff because they're three episodes, then you can say goodbye to these two as well and add "Chakram" and a number of other succinct episodes. (7 stars)
17. ★"A Friend in Need, Part 2:" Yeah, I said it. These two eps are extraneous to this compilation. There's better work to close the story, BUT IT IS frickin awesome watching Gabrielle kick butt, always. And it does bring the story full-circle. As I indicated, Part 2 is in my top 17, but so are the Valkyrie eps. (8 stars)

To sum up: Of the 17 episodes in the 10th Anniversary Collection, four of them were not favorites of mine. The compilation's 17 episodes and my top 17 episodes share a commonality of only seven episodes, though none of the other 10 were severe misses for me. Just, "Yeah, sure! Ok." episodes. I really easily see how fans arrived at these offerings, and I think they did a *fantastic* job. This collection is awesome. 

Now, my question to you is: have you ever tried to rank 134 episodes of your favorite TV show? What a daunting gd thing. Hold onto your effing hat. 

I love this show.

Xena: Warrior Princess: Series Wrap-up

Oh my god what am I about to do. What I mean is, welcome to my series sitsum, my lay report, my back door diddio, and hopefully not a twerpy little shmoop you'll soon forget. But seriously how does one summarize...a whole show... 

First, as a little pallet cleanser, I'd like to share that I watched "A Solstice Carol" on Christmas Day and oh how I cried, reader. It's the perfect, cute Xena episode. It's funny, sweet, poignant, hopeful, subtexty, and that ending. It's, in a word, adorable. I wonder if my tears owe to the fact this is the worst Xmas ever, or to this being the way Xena has settled into my body and this is just how it's gonna be now. 

Before I begin, and before I forget, I record into record that Xena: Warrior Princess – your favorite show and mine – stood Emmy-nominated for Seasons 2-5 in the music category alongside the big guns: The X-Files, The Simpsons, 24, The West Wing, and frickin' Star Trek: Voyager. It actually won in 2000 for Season 5's score to "Fallen Angel." It was nominated twice in one year for "The Bitter Suite" and somehow lost.

Now! We got the rank 'n' file of the series, one post back. I laid it out. I even memorized it. If you're "a friend in need" of a refresher, behold: 

1) Season 6

2) Season 4

3) Season 5

4) Season 3

5) Season 2

6) Season 1

Of course, I feel a little weird ranking the seasons, because I love them all and can't cherry-pick. Like there's no way I'd watch Season 2 without first watching Season 1 and so forth. One season begets the next. 

I can tell you this, right now: If you look online and ask fans how they rank all the seasons, if Season 6 is nowhere near the top, they're a lie. 

There is not a single bad season of Xena. There are a handful of less than desirable episodes, but…I just ranked every single episode of Xena and there are only five or six episodes I don't like*. (Five or six eps I'd skip, *if I had the remote in my hand and didn't have to get up.) Literally, I get joy out of the 129 other nugs. 

At the only XenaCon I ever made it to, I heard Lucy Lawless say this one thing. I had it written down verbatim, but for some reason I can't find it right now. I think the audience was asking questions of Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor about character development on the show. It was an intricate conversation and then Lucy Lawless said something like, "Did it ever occur to you that the show is about the growth of Gabrielle?"

Hearing this changed everything about the way I viewed Xena: Warrior Princess. The show is totally about the progress of Gabrielle. I don't know if the creators originally planned that, but that's exactly what the show's about from beginning to end, literally from beginning to end. 

Like here's Gabrielle in the very first episode compared to Gabrielle in the very last episode.

Gabrielle in "Sins of the Past"

Gabrielle in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

My apologies for the shabby photos. I had to take them with my phone from the discs, if you wanna let this be your quality guide. (By the way, I think the last image is the most gorgeous shot of "A Friend in Need." I think about it all the time. The way that light shines off the very middle of that katana. Mm.)

I could lay-out pics next to each other of Gabrielle's various outfits all day long. I kind of wish the last episode centered her usually bare mid-riff, because that would be more striking and accurate next to Potidaea Gabrielle. She's usually never covered-up; yet another reason to find fault with the finale.

In the sense that the show's about Gabrielle, it could theoretically be called Gabrielle: The Battling Bard of Potidaea. BUT, the show is sneaky as Xena: Warrior Princess; the title secretly beholds Gabrielle, because she wrote the show scrolls! Xena is Gabrielle's book.

Xena, for her part, still wears her original outfit in the final episode of the show (amongst various temporary costume changes in the last episode). 

Xena in "Sins of the Past"

Xena in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

Sure, she lost the hair wreath, but other than that...Xena changed morally, Gabrielle morphed.

Look at how Xena and Gabrielle's relationship evolved, though, mon chéri.

Gabrielle trying to convince Xena to take her with her in "Sins of the Past"

Xena begrudgingly giving Gabrielle a ride in "Sins of the Past"

Xena hungrily chatting-up Gabrielle in "A Friend in Need, Part I"

Xena watching Gabrielle get her back done so Gabrielle can save her life in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

Xena taking Gabrielle with her in "A Friend in Need, Part II"

I would say Gabrielle's little plan worked, wouldn't you? Gabrielle is the most powerful and influential person in the world and should be on the cover of Time.

Instead of talking a lot about the whole show and recapping what happened, I'm just gonna lay-out a bunch of stats. I will say this though, for my big thing this post: 

This is my favorite show in the world. I couldn’t tell you what specifically about it makes it my favorite show. The only thing I can solidly point to is that it’s just so much damn fun to watch. It covers eeeeverthing that has ever interested me. It’s funny, it’s sad, it's full of women, it's got swords, it's romantic, violent, creative, it’s sooo interesting. They literally made-up a fake mythological character on par with Hercules. They so successfully did this, that Xena has as much notoriety than an actual Greek god, and I would bet 1,000 dinars a number of people actually believe Xena was in the history books, like Athena and Zeus.

Now. I'm gonna throw the math at you. Can you handle it? Can you? Handle it?

I figured I'd give each season a nonsensical slogan, why not.

Season 1: Welcome to the jungle, baby! You're gonna diieeeeeeeeeyyyya!

Season 2: Mass hysteria. Dogs and cats, living together.

Season 3: Thine rakefire doth stepeth to me? 'Tis my turn.

Season 4: Death to Smoochie.

Season 5: Ah, but one cannot survive on chakram throws alone. 

Season 6: The lady in red.

Get a load of this. Here's the breakdown of episodes and their star-counts per my rating system:

# of 10-star episodes: 1
# of 9-star episodes: 3
# of 8-star episodes: 25
# of 7-star episodes: 38
# of 6-star episodes: 40
# of 5-star episodes: 20
# of 4-star episodes: 4
# of 3-star episodes: 2
# of 2-star episodes: 1
# of 1-star episodes: 0

I favorited 75 Xena episodes total.

• Season 1 has 7 favorites
• Season 2 has 12 favorites
• Season 3 has 13 favorites
• Season 4 has 14 favorites
• Season 5 has 12 favorites
• Season 6 has 17 favorites

Breakdown of which seasons had the most of each star-rating:

The most 10-star episodes: Season 6
The most 9-star episodes: Season 6
The most 8-star episodes: Season 3
The most 7-star episodes: Tie between Season 2 and Season 5 with nine 7-star eps apiece
The most 6-star episodes: Season 1
The most 5-star episodes: Season 1
The most 4-star episodes: Season 5
The most 3-star episodes: Tie between Season 3 and Season 5 with one 3-star ep apiece
The most 2-star episodes: Season 5

The most 1-star episodes: Every episode of Hercules

Sum of stars per season. (Look at Season 5 here, god damn. I didn't realize this.):

Season 1: 146 total stars (Remember, it has two extra episodes)
Season 2: 141 total stars
Season 3: 144 total stars
Season 4: 143 total stars
Season 5: 138 total stars
Season 6: 155 total stars

Average stars per episode each season:

Season 1: 6.08
Season 2: 6.41
Season 3: 6.54
Season 4: 6.50
Season 5: 6.27
Season 6: 7.05

Ok, after these last two stats, I clearly need to reexamine Season 3. Maybe it should rank ahead of Season 5 in my life. Maybe even be ahead of Season 4, shit.  

Dramas per season:

Season 1: 14

Season 2: 12

Season 3: 10

Season 4: 15

Season 5: 16

Season 6: 15

Comedies per season: 

Season 1: 1

Season 2: 7

Season 3: 6

Season 4: 7

Season 5: 5

Season 6: 4

Dramadies per season:

Season 1: 9

Season 2: 3

Season 3: 6

Season 4: None

Season 5: 1

Season 6: 3

Number of episodes that made me cry, per season:

Season 1: 1

Season 2: 1

Season 3: 2

Season 4: 6

Season 5: 6

Season 6: 6

And this is what separates the men from the boys. Also probably why I didn't rank Season 3 any higher than Season 4. It's the emotional return that does it for me. Also interesting that the last three seasons tied here. I had no awareness of this balance. 

As mentioned in my Season 6 summary, I wondered if there were any 7+ star reviews that went shunned by the favorite box. Indeed there are three: “Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire,” “Motherhood,” and “The Royal Couple of Thieves." These eps each wave 7 stars like a flag in heat, while their favorite boxes remain cold and barren. This is weird to me. When I rewatch, I'll dubsy check. Otherwise:

• All 8+ episodes are favorites. 
• Of the many 6-star episodes, only 11 are favorites. The other 29 fell short. 
• As previously pondered, there is nothing below 6 stars that got faved. 

Odds and ends:

• Shortest title: "Eve"
• Longest title: “Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards” (So long, I copied and pasted it. I typed-out "Eve.")
• Season 1 is the only season with 24 episodes. The rest have 22.
• There are two musical episodes in Xena.
• There is one dancing-themed episode.
• There are six legit clips episodes.
• None of the clips episodes got favorited. Not a conscious decision.

[I will add to this as I think of more fun stuff!]

Xena: Season 6, Outtakes

I have never seen this before (fear of spoiling "A Friend in Need"). It's hilarious! Xena outtakes never fail to make me laugh. They always brighten my day. Always.