Xena: Season 6, Episode 09: "Return of the Valkyrie"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"The Valkyrie Trilogy, Part 3: Sleeping Beauty"

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

I remember when I first saw this episode in 2009. I hadn’t any previous knowledge of what I was getting myself into and was just stunned by the kiss. I was in total disbelief that they'd done that, and that I managed to not hear a word about it for nine years. I still can't believe it. The way Xena looks at Gabrielle there… I don’t know how they got away with that. 

The embodiment of surreal is Xena and Gabrielle staring at each other after the kiss. I was like, “What the fuck am I watching??” What WOMEN have stared at each other like this, even now?

They totally beat Maleficent (2014) to the punch, btw. Just sayin'.

FYI, this is another Emily Skopov ep. Remember her last one was “Heart of Darkness” and we all know what that was about...

Some Hot Takes:

• GOD DAMMIT Gabrielle is so fucking hot in this. I don’t think I’ve seen anything so darkly sexy as Gabrielle lain out on that rock in that dress with her beautiful long hair that she can't cut.
• Can we just discuss how awesome it is that Xena only had ring flashbacks in front of Beowulf, because she was getting married and it was the first time since she'd had amnesia that she put a ring on herself and someone else?
• Wiglaf is probably wearing a wig. 
• I do love Xena jumping through the fire. Should probably include that in my "Loved" section.
• When the guards block Xena with their spears, they make an X. 
• If Gabrielle could walk so easily to watch Xena give the Rheingold back to the Rhein Maidens, why did Xena have to swim to get there?
• Sleeping Beauty references: the ravens, roses and vines hardcore, and even the chakram as the enchanted sword that cuts through everything. And of course Gabrielle herself, who’s dressed like Sleeping Beauty. 
• P.S. for subtext: in Sleeping Beauty, it's "true love's kiss" that awakens Aurora.
• I am so mad how weird the kiss looked because of the green screen. It doesn’t look like Xena. It only looks like her as she’s pulling away. How the below picture exists, I have no idea. They must've taken a publicity photo and thank god they did, because it is not this clear on the DVD. Either that, or this was the original footage before they CGI'ed-in the fire.
  

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Beowulf: "What conquest are you people celebrating?" Dude: "The conquest of King Hrothgar's heart, sir. He's marrying the noble and fair Wealthea." Beowulf: "Hm, thank you." Wiglaf: "Wealthea, that's not a Norse name." Beowulf: "Hm." Wiglaf: "I wonder what it means." Beowulf: "My guess would be that it's uh, Celtic or... warrior princess." – Excellent. Loved this.

2) Priest: "Make you vows." Hrothgar: "Wealthea, I make the Viking pledge of eternal love and devotion." X/Wealthea: "I'm sorry. I, uh.." Hrothgar: "You're overcome with joy." X/Wealthea: "Yes, I'm overcome." Beowulf: "It was the ring. It's the ring that's changed her." – Much enjoy Lucy Lawless portraying a Xena who's lost her memory. And interesting to consider that Beowulf, up until this point, probably thought Xena was dead.

3) X/Wealthea: "Oh, I am the luckiest woman in Denmark!" – I scream this all the time in the streets of New York.

4) Waltraute: "If they died in pursuit of the ring, I'd understand, but to spill their blood for the ordinary woman who lays entrapped beside it.." Sieglinda: "Our sister Brunhilda turned herself to flame to protect that Gabrielle. Perhaps she's not so ordinary. And Xena seems to care a great deal for her, too." Waltraute: "You speak the name of that conniving bitch in the presence of heroes? Thank the gods she's dead and fed to the fishes." – Woah, watch it Sieglinda!! There's no bff loyalty in Odin's house!

5) Hrothgar: "I've waited so long to make you truly mine." X/Wealthea: "I know, Hrothgar. Yes, and you know that I have been devoted to you since you pulled me from the icy waters, but would it be so very hard to wait just a few more hours?" Hrothgar: "I would wait even longer if I thought I had your heart as well." X/Wealthea: "Yes, but- Hrothgar, my husb- husband. Hrothgar! No. You- our union has given me a new purpose. You have always known that my priorities are different than other women's." Hrothgar: "You are a Viking queen. Your priorities are as your master decides." – Gross, but hey a Viking queen!

6) X/Wealthea: "Come in, my lord. You wish to play a game, master?” – What the fuck.. is happening.

7) Beowulf: "Xena, your life is in danger. When Odin learns you are alive, he will kill you and Gabrielle will never be saved." X/Wealthea: "Gabrielle?" – I live for this shit.

8) X: "What's the matter with your men? They look like they've seen a ghost." Wiglaf: "No, not a ghost, a legend." – I can't fully relay how much I love this.

9) Wiglaf: "All these men can talk of is a chance to see you in action. To tell you the truth, I'm-" Beowulf: "-about to go and polish your blade. Is that right, Wiglaf?" – Is this a fucking jackoff joke??

10) X: "I thought he loved me and now you tell me that this name 'Wealthea' is not even my own." Beowulf: "You are Xena." X: "I could have done so much good for the Viking people." Beowulf: "The Xena I remember could do more good with this sword than a than a hundred Viking queens could ever do. And the Xena I remember could never forget what happened in that swamp, the face of Gabrielle, the most loyal friend in the world." X: "I remember none of these things." Beowulf: "You may not remember them, but they are inside you." – Yeah, I'm just going to include all talk of Gabrielle to Xena without commentary.

11) X: "Are you a demon? Or my own mind made mad?" Vision of G: "I am the truth of who you are. Our souls are united, Xena." Beowulf: "Xena? Xena, are you all right?" X: "Yes. This Gabrielle truly loved Xena, didn't she?" Beowulf: "And will till the end of time. Gabrielle saved you from what you were as you must now save her." – This is so sexy. Xena is scared to death of herself. Not to get deep or anything, but her reactions to her visions of Gabrielle are a commentary on how frightening and intense love is.

12) Beowulf: "We're in Grinhilda's domain." X: "Beowulf, if I'm not the one-" Beowulf: "You are. Brunhilda's flame will recognize you as Gabrielle's soulmate."

13) Waltraute: "It makes me sick to see you've grown so soft." X: "Softness and weakness are two different things. I have no quarrel with you. I'm here only for Gabrielle!" Waltraute: "You sound like one of those pathetic lovesick boys who burned themselves to a crisp." – Subtext.

14) G: "Xena." X: "Oh, Gabrielle." G: "I dreamed you'd come back for me." X: "It was like I was in a dream, too. I forgot everything. But even though I didn't remember you, I felt your presence and knew that I would never be complete unless those shadows were brought into the light.” – I think the placement of this dialogue is off. Beowulf is literally dying feet away from Xena. There's a fucking tree monster trying to kill her with no flame to stop it this time. Would have been better suited to the horse ride or somewhere thereafter.

15) X: "Beowulf, I'll always be indebted to you for bringing me back here." Beowulf: "Hey, I needed the best. The legends didn't lie, Xena, you are the greatest warrior I've ever known." X: "Thank you, friend." – In case you weren't listening, that's Beowulf telling the world that Xena's the GOAT.

16) G: "You have a good heart, Beowulf. If it weren't for you, I'd still be in Brunhilda's flame." Beowulf: "I think we both know Xena would have found you eventually."

17) G: "Thank you, Brunhilda." Brunhilda: "Godspeed, Gabrielle." – Fucking haaate this part. Would’ve been more effective if Brunhilda’d said nothing. She was dead.

18) Odin: "What do you want?" Grinhilda: "Return me to my position as chief of the Valkyries." X: "She'll teach them a nobler use for their powers, Odin." Odin: "I'll think about it." X: "Don't think too long." – Classic Xena!

19) X: "35 years ago. The shame of it makes if feel like it was yesterday." G: "Memories are powerful, Xena. I'm so thankful that yours brought you back to me."

So like this is the scene from Aliens (1986), obviously recreated in this episode when Grinhilda stabs Bey. Grinhilda even looks like the alien.

Listened to this this day.

Xena: Season 6, Episode 08: "The Ring"

Alternative Title:

"The Valkyrie Trilogy, Part 2: The Death of Grindl Loggins"

Xena: “AaAAaaAhhH!” Grindl: “RraAArrRaarararrr!!” 

This is my second nine, the first being the previous season for "Fallen Angel." I waffled between a nine and eight, finally making one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my entire adult life. I might change my rating, but right now this is me. This is how I feel.

The addition of Joel Metzger as a staff writer this late in the series is interesting. He didn’t come from Hercules. This is his first standalone ep of Xena, and he has several more coming up, yet he didn't know the show when he was given the job. This episode's so good, so I'm deeply curious and fascinated. 

Also, this is long-term director Rick Jacobson's last episode. GREAT SIGN-OFF.

Brunhilda literally goes after Gabrielle here, willy-nilly. It’s all out in the open... Man, everyone falls in love with Gabrielle!

As if we needed more confirmation that this arc is about Xena and Gabrielle being in a relationship, the love rule about the ring is as such: It applies to romantic love, not friendly or family love. Romantic love. Otherwise, Grunhilda’s son Grindl wouldn’t have been able to wear the ring. 

This should really be in my notes, but OMG, after like three viewings of this episode, it finally hit me: Brunhilda turned herself into an eternal flame, just like Odin was trying to show Xena she could do in the previous episode. Self-sacrifice. I thought it was just a random joke.

One thing (out of many) I love about this episode is the long fight scene that slowly turns fascinating, where Grindl is kicking Xena’s ass. He's almost killing her and the way Xena then finally figures out how to kill him is chilling. (This happens to a similar extent in the previous episode, before she gets kidnapped.) Just... I don’t remember Xena ever getting the shit beat out of her to the point where she’s so desperate she’s howling. Loved it.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Beowulf: "We're deep in Grindl territory." Brunhilda: "The chances of finding her are getting less and less." G: "Then we pick up the pace." Brunhilda: "What I'm trying to say is, don't get your hopes up, Gabrielle." G: "I'm not relying on hope. Xena's tough to kill." – I love Gabrielle’s resolve that Xena’s a badass.

2) G: "Xena is alive.” – Praise the sun!

3) Brunhilda: "Xena, I have waited my entire life to meet you." X: "If I knew I had a fan coming, I would have combed my hair." – Hahaha! Oooh, Xena!

4) X: "I've learned to respect life, love, and peace." Brunhilda: "Why? What happened?" X and G share a long look: "Lots of reasons." – This is where Brunhilda sees that Xena does indeed feel the same for Gabrielle.

5) X: “You two should go. Live to fight another day. This is my battle." G: "Our battle." Brunhilda: "I won't leave Gabrielle." Beowulf: "Neither will I." – Dude, Gabrielle’s got the Midas touch, but instead of gold she turns everyone into hard-ons.

6) Beowulf: "So, what's your plan?" X: "I'm going to lure Grindl in here. When she's in position, I want you bring the mountain down on her head." G: "Her? What is this Grindl?" – Hahaha! I love how Gabrielle just doesn’t have the fucking time for Grindl.

7) X: "[The ring] is no use to you. You know what the runes say unless you have forsaken love the power of the ring will destroy what you value most." Grinhilda: "The runes also say that anyone who puts on the ring has a surge of godlike strength before the destructive power kicks in." – The rules of the ring explained.

8) Beowulf: "You mean, this monster that's been killing my people is actually Grinhilda the Valkyrie?" Brunhilda: "Then why didn't you just use the ring to kill her?" X: "Killing her would have been kind compared to what I had in mind for her. As fearsome as she was in her new form she knew that she was no match for me with the ring. She fled." – I love talk of how bad Xena used to be. This conversation is like delicious hors d’ouevres.

9) X: "I knew that the power of the ring would be useless to her unless-" G: "-she learned to forsake love." X: "That's right.” – The way X looks and G and says this is so good, omg.

10) X: "Come and get some.” – Xena loooves to say this. She says it in "A Family Affair," also to a monster.

11) X: “Stay here!" G: "Xena, no! Xena!" X: "I thought I told you not to come in here!" G: "I never listen!" – hahahaha

12) Brunhilda to G: "You know, before I met you, I never thought of a warrior as having any love but the love of battle." X: "I'm gonna tend to this. Brunhilda, could you scout up ahead? See what's over that ridge? Thank you. [Bh leaves. X turns to G] I don't like her." – Hahahaha!

13) Odin: "The plan was once Xena had the ring you were to attack her in a wakened state and take it!" Brunhilda: "Yes, but there were complications." Odin: "Complications. My ravens they tell me you've fallen in love with her partner. Is it possible you thought that killing Xena would kill any chance you had with Gabrielle?" – Oh my god, this is blatant. It's probably the most spelled-out lesbian thing on Xena I’ve seen (so far).

14) Odin: “Xena has the power to kill gods. She's also capable of taking out her share of Valkyrie. But she has a weakness her partner Gabrielle. Capture her and the ring is ours." – ...
 
15) X: "You've come for the ring." Odin: "And you want your friend. May I suggest a trade?" X: "A trade." Odin: "Hm." X: "No, I saw your faces when Brunhilda carried Gabrielle off. You were as surprised as I am. She's acting alone." Odin: "Hahaha. You killed Grinhilda's son." X: "Her son?" Odin: "Yes she was with child when you caged her.” – Here’s something fucked up that no one talks about again.

16) X: "You want that ring for yourself." Odin: "Yes, it ensures my power against other gods and god-slayers like you." X: "Have you forsaken love?" Odi: "After you it wasn't very hard." X: "Then I'd be a fool to give it to you." – Love this writing.

17) G: "What are you doing?" Brunhilda: "Odin and the others were gonna kill you for the ring." G: "We left Xena to fight them all." Brunhilda: "Is Xena all you think about?" G: "Sh- Xena is my family. She's the most important thing in my life." Brunhilda: "All right, Gabrielle, listen to me. I bring to Valhalla the bravest warriors slain in battle - heroes. But your heart has more truth and courage than any that I've seen. The beauty inside you burns like a star, Gabrielle. I was supposed to betray you and Xena but I couldn't, not now. You've changed me. You've opened my eyes and you've change me the way you changed Xena." G: "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry." [She walks away] Brunhilda: "I defied my god for you, Gabrielle!" – This whole convo. "Is Xena all you think about?" Fuck, this conversationnn!! Gabrielle’s face is there is sheer surprise. Brunhilda is accidentally making Gabrielle face some things about the way she feels about Xena, that she didn't even realize were on deck.

18) G: "Xena and I have a connection. It's stronger than either one of us. We're soul mates." Brunhilda: "My love is strong. I can feel it!" G: "I am trying to tell you that Xena and I are meant to be together. We didn't make it that way. It just is." Xena in the distance: "Gabrieeeelle!" G: "Xena!" Brunhilda: "I can see your heart lies with Xena, but I'll prove to you which one of us deserves your love." – This is painful to watch. We know how Brunhilda feels.

19) G: "Brunhilda you can't win. Listen to me. This is wrong. Can we just let's just talk about this!" Brunhilda: "Get back." [Fight] G: "Xena." Brunhilda: "They're gonna kill her before I get a chance to prove my love for you." G: "What are you fighting for? You want to win my love? You're going to shed blood for what? For me? You call that love? You're sick." – This is kind of mean from Gabrielle, but good for her.

20) Brunhilda: "Xena. Odin will bring all of his forces upon Gabrielle until you give up that ring. You have to trust me. It's the.. you've put the ring on your finger. But Xena, you haven't forsaken love. Take it off!" X: "I don't know what you're talking about." Brunhilda: "The curse is already working." X: "I don't know how I got here. What's my name? What's my name?" Brunhilda: "You've lost your memory, your sense of self. What about Gabrielle?" X: "I don't know her." Brunhilda: "Xena, give me the ring." X: "Why does everybody want my ring?" Brunhilda: "Xena, give me the ring and everybody will leave you alone. [Xena gives her the ring.] Thank you." – Love this simple writing, that they didn't make a big deal out of it, and nice touch that a memoryless Xena would think the ring is hers.. And Brunhilda does a really good thing here. She's so sincere, Xena gives her the ring with no fight.

21) Brunhilda: "Gabrielle." G: "Brunhilda, I am going to find Xena." Brunhilda: "Xena won't know you." G: "Won't know- won't know me? [laughs nonsensically] What are you talking about?" Brunhilda: "She put on the ring." G: "No." Brunhilda: "And she lost what she values most: you. The memories of you and the woman that you helped her to become." G: "No." Brunhilda: "Here. This ring is too powerful to fall into undeserving hands and so are you. But I can't protect in this form, not from Odin, and he and Grinhilda will stop at nothing. They'll kill everything associated with Xena." G: "In this form?" Brunhilda: "I'll become an eternal flame for you. Only your true soulmate will be able to pass through the fire. You'll be safe. [Says magic words and turns into a fire, circling Gabrielle] See, Gabrielle? You have changed me." – This exchange makes the episode. It made me wonder what the heck I'd just been watching and bumped this episode up to a nine. Brunhilda is so diplomatic telling Gabrielle that Xena won't remember her, which is heartbreaking. Then she casually comes up with this plan... It's gorgeous.

This is obvious, so I won't fight it. I bet they listened to this in a loop on set. 

I listened to this song this day. It fits, because Xena puts the ring on twice in this episode, and light flows through her, hotly. The truth the first time was that she loved no one, so the ring didn't hurt her. The truth the second time was that she loved Gabrielle. The ring hurt her that time, didn't it.

Xena: Season 6, Episode 07: "The Rheingold"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"The Valkyrie Trilogy, Part 1: Beowulf"

HOLY NUTBUTTERS... You guys, If you’ve completely forgotten how Beowulf goes, then this telling is a wild ride. I love the SHIT. OUT. OF. IT. This is only the first part, so I won't go full monty 'til next episode, but WOW.

Number of times Gabrielle says Xena’s path is her path: 2
Number of times someone says, “I know _noun_ like (I know) _thing_:" 2

EXTRA LOVED:

• Xena senses Beowulf watching her
• Xena narrating that beautiful letter
• Xena falling from the sky and hitting the ground
• Gabrielle grabbing her sai
• Xena’s armor covered in blood – I didn’t notice it at first, then I did, and shit.

SUBTEXT DETAILS:

1. Xena totally eyes Gabrielle while eating. Sure, she makes a pass at her food, but she's also just teasing her. Loved this.
2. Gabrielle looks very hurt and tense when Xena says she doesn’t want to talk about the thing that’s bothering her. Xena even says she's not trying to shut her out. She knows Gabrielle is hurt by it, but how can she tell her she's about to leave her forever.
3. I don't know how to get past this: Xena literally signs her letter to Gabrielle with a lip imprint. An OPEN MOUTHED lip imprint. Like, not a close-lipped imprint, which would imply a chaste kiss (which.. even that is gay). No, it's an open mouth lip blot. What the fuck? 
4. Xena gives Grinhilda a very saucy look as they ride alongside each other in the air.
5. The Rheingold keepers are super gay. “Our new friend is delightful. I think I love her.” They talking about falling in love with Xena, then the maiden saying, “she’s MY friend,” kind of defines for us what a "friend" means on this show. Because she manhandles Xena when they're underwater and talks to her about sexual things. We think, when Xena says, “come on, just a peek,” that she’s asking for a peek at the maiden's "stuff." Xena and this maiden even embrace underwater. Gees.
6. Fuuuuuuck, this convo between Brunhilda and Gabrielle where Gabrielle explains that being friends with Xena comes at a price and Brunhilda accurately retorts, “A price you love paying.” Gabrielle gets a little uncomfortable and almost defensive at this accusation, it's so personal and intimate. Such a treat to see this kind of vulnerability from Gabrielle. Yes, she's usually the openly vulnerable one, but never before at this level. Thank you, Xena... Then Brunhilda asks Gabrielle, "She feels the same?" and Gabrielle again, a little flatfooted says, "I hope so." Are you serious right now? "'Does she feel the same?'" This is a conversation about two people in love.

By the way, I'm slowly making my way through Adventure Time. It's fucking hilarious and right before I watched this episode of Xena, I unwittingly watched a very funny episode of Adventure Time guest-starring Lucy Lawless. Here's the episode actually. See if you can guess which one's her:

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES: 

1) X to Grindl: "It looks good on me, don't you think? I'm waiting for you." – Just had to include this badassery.

2) G: "What's this about?" X: "Nothing." – This is remarkable, because Xena at that moment is really thinking that she’s gotta leave and will probably never see Gabrielle again, yet all she says is, “Nothing.”

3) G: "Still keeping secrets from me, after all these years." X: "Look it's something I did a long time before I met you. I just don't feel like talking about it right now." G: "All right." X: "I'm not trying to shut you out. You know our friendship's the most important thing in my life but in this case-" G: "Xena you don't have to tell me. Part of being a friend is letting people keep secrets. I respect that." X: "OK." – I’m so into this intimate topic and convo.

4) G [Narrating]: "I know Xena wouldn't have done this if she didn't feel this was something she had to do by herself. I debated whether to respect her wish.. but I can't. Her path is my path. I've been following her now, for weeks. Her trail has taken me north, due north, farther north than I've ever been." – This is so fun to hear, ROC does a great job. I love when she says, “but I can’t.” I could only hope to say my lines like that.

5) X: "Whoa. Hey, there who'd you mess with?" Odin: "No one is capable of doing this to me without my consent." X: "What kind of an idiot has himself crucified?" – Hahahaha I love dark Xena.

6) Odin: "I am Odin, king of the Norse gods. It is my duty to bring peace to the Norse country. Yet as I sit in Valhalla and watch the bitter struggle called life on this Earth, I ask 'Are we doomed to live in a constant state of endless conflict?!'" X: "Damn straight. That's what makes life so worth living." – I kind of agree with this...

7) G: "Poor Xena." Brunhilda: "Poor Xena? You haven't been listening very well, have you?" G: "Xena thought that she could live without love. I know that she can't, because she's my friend." – This is so beautiful.

8) Brunhilda: "You're pretty good. You cut me with my own sword. That's impressive. I can't tell whether you're better than me or not, though, and to prove it, I think one of us would have to die and I don't want that." G: "Why did you attack me?" Brunhilda: "To prove to you that I am worthy to fight alongside Xena."

9) X: "That's the power you're going to give me? But couldn't I do that by just rubbing together a couple of sticks? Well, couldn't I?" Odin: "No, you've only just begun exploring it. You can go much further. If you keep practicing one day you'll be able to harness all your energy into a flame that will burn for as long as you wish." X: "Turn all of my bodily energy into a bonfire. Sounds like self-sacrifice. I'm not into that, Odin." – Hahahaha

10) X: "Where is it? All right. The Rheingold." Rhein Maiden: "You mustn't touch it." X: "Yes, I must." Rhein Maiden: "Are you mad? The Rheingold will only bring about your destruction." X: "Only if I haven't forsaken love." Rhein Maiden: "Have you?" – This part is so violent.

11) G: "Xena wouldn't need a ring. She's a great fighter. She's probably the best." – fuck, I LOVE that Gabrielle is saying this, and that it’s probably true. Brunhilda: "You love her very much, don't you?" G: "She's my best friend. I know her like I know my own heart." Brunhilda: "A friendship like that is something to be envied." G: "It has a price like everything." Brunhilda: "A price you love paying." – Whew! G: "Yeah." Brunhilda: "She feels the same?" G: "I hope so." Brunhilda: "She must. She must be on a very dangerous mission; otherwise, she probably wouldn't have left you behind." G: "That's what her note said." – This conversation rules all space and time. A lot going on therein. Brunhilda is so obsessed with Xena and being like Xena, she recognizes here that Gabrielle is Xena's girlfriend, and thus she, too, falls for Gabrielle. "That’s what her note said." – This is so deep, because it seems like Gabrielle isn’t sure that Xena loves her when she answers, “I hope so.” Like they’ve never told each other as much, that they loved each other "like that." Then Brunhilda unwittingly fits a puzzle piece for Gabrielle when she tells Gabrielle that Xena must feel the same if she left her behind to keep her out of danger, and Gabrielle does say, “That’s what her note said,” but it takes a beat, as though in her head she's thinking, “OMG, as a matter of fact, that is what she said, so she must have left me behind because she cares about me so much.”

12) Beowulf: "You miss your friend, don't you?" X: "Sure." Beowulf: "She is very beautiful." X: "Yes, she is." Beowulf: "I only saw her the one time, but she seems special. Who knows how I'd feel if I got to know her." X: "Oh, you'd like her." Beowulf: "Of course, neither one of us will live long enough to see her again, anyway." – And here is Xena vaguely saying Gabrielle is beautiful and that she misses her, while Beowulf admits he's interested in Gabrielle.

13) Beowulf: "The people up here think of you as a demon." X: "So they should." – This is fucking awesome. And the music here, fuck.

14) Brunhilda: "Then we'll be there by morning. I just hope we don't run into Grindl along the way." G: "Who's Grindl?" – I kinda love G’s expression here. Like she can’t be bothered but, “ok, now what.”

15) Brunhilda: "I wish I had a friend like you." G: "You do." – Pretty sure this is how Single White Female starts.

I listened to this song this day. It possesses a mood of this episode.

Xena: Season 6, Episode 06: "The Abyss"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"Fine Young Cannibals"

This episode is fucked up and terrifying. And it almost looks like genocide, but I mean, if you’re a cannibal who openly hunts and eats people, it’s probably OK if those hunted people kill you back. Besides, you don’t come after Gabrielle, stick a huge pipe in her mouth, and live. K?

In this vein, I recommend the movie Raw (2016).

We are obviously hitting a stride where these episodes are Gabrielle-focused. I either forgot about this trend my first viewing in 2009 or just didn't notice, but it's true; the last three episodes were about Gabrielle. It's like watching an arrow hit a target. 

Additional Notes and Loves

• The awesome chakram throws are back.
• Virgil is here but no Eve. Interesting.
• Hosep getting abducted was horrifying.
• Xena diving-in after Gabrielle and knocking that cannibal into a tree at the same time.
• 15:13 Bite mark on Gabrielle’s hand.
• 20:21 Bite mark on Gabrielle’s neck.
• 20:48 Bite mark on Xena’s hand.
• 20:57 Gabrielle's bitten hand holding Xena’s bitten hand. You trying to kill me?
• A flash of lightning at night illuminates Xena, who's hiding behind a tree.
• Virgil trying to sacrifice himself for Gabrielle.
• The chakram-throw toward the camera is [chef's kiss].
• Rubio agreeing to leave with the horses was funny, I guess.

Check-out these definitions of the word "abyss" and tell me it wasn't a sharp title for this episode:

abyss [uh-bis]
noun
1. a deep, immeasurable space, gulf, or cavity; vast chasm.
2. anything profound, unfathomable, or infinite: the abyss of time.
3. intellectual or moral depths: an abyss of moral depravity, an abyss of despair.

(in ancient cosmogony)
1. the primal chaos before Creation.
2. the infernal regions; hell.
3. a subterranean ocean.

Gabrielle's mental downward spiral was an abyss, the waterfall was an abyss, the cave, the difference between the two peoples. GREAT title for this episode. Gives me chills.

And in the middle of all of this, Xena quietly glimpses what's happening in the deepest part of Gabrielle: Gabrielle will always feel guilty for killing her own daughter.

Number of times a character is yelling someone’s name, bloody murder: 8 

There’s something about screaming someone’s name, when that person is probably dead, that scares the shit out of me. It makes the situation real. The searcher is so desperate, they have to yell that loud. I'm sure it's happened in a ton of horror movies, but two examples that spring to mind are The Blair Witch Project (1999) and Triangle (2009).

Reading this shit about Herodotus saying there was an ancient fucking nation of cannibals in Europe really freaked me out. It’s definitely what this episode is based off of. Read this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androphagi. The "drinking out of skulls" thing is real.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: "Nice shot. Just don't know what kind of wine goes with bark." G: "So we'll have fish. That's what people do when they're on a river." X: "Fish is all right with me. You're the one who said she wanted venison." G: "I'm having a bad day." X: "Nah, he's havin' a good one. It's all in how you look at it." – I appreciate how sweet and optimistic Xena's being here. Her attitude speaks volumes. If you’ve ever been around someone who’s deeply depressed or have been that depressed person and someone who loves you speaks to you like this, you know how tender it is.

2) G: "There's blood on this. There's blood everywhere. Thieves?" X: "No, they escaped in their canoe. They were running for their lives." – I relish dialogue like this.

3) G: "Virgil! Virgil!" X: "If they made it this far, they'd most likely keep to the river-" G: "That's if they made it, Xena." X: "Gabrielle-" G: "Virgil! I don't know what's wrong with me." X: "You're still condemning yourself for killing that boy in the desert." G: "I condemn myself for his father's sake." X: "Korah's father forgave you. So would anyone with enough wisdom and experience to-" G: "-to know what? These things happen?" X: "Unfortunately, they do." G: "My reflexes are those of a warrior. I'm afraid my judgment's not. I think that's a bad combination. Virgil! Virgil!" – I covet the yelling of Virgil's name, and only included this quote for that feature.

4) G: "Those things bit us, like they wanted to eat us." X: "They were cannibals, Gabrielle." – Spot-on delivery by Gabrielle.

5) X: "Your wound's getting worse." G: "We're in a tough spot, huh?" X: "We've been in worse scrapes. We're gonna get you out of here. Count on it." – This dialogue is simple, and I wonder why I’ve never heard them talk like this before. It makes me think they may not make it.

6) Virgil: "Look, I don't know what it is you want from me, but whatever it is, you can have it. Look, see, I'm meeting this great warrior named Xena. I'm sure you've heard the name. And if I don't show up, she's gonna come looking for me. She's gonna come looking. She's gonna come looking for me. No! No! No! No! No! Noooo!" – This scene is so scary, I’ve blanked-out watching it a couple times. Virgil dropping Xena’s name is remarkable. He knows he’s in trouble when they don’t even understand the concept of what he’s trying to tell them. They could’ve killed him right there.

7) G: "Hope?" X: "Did you say something?" G: "My baby. My baby. Is that you?" X: "Yeah, it's me." G: "I love you. I would never hurt you. You know that, don't you?" X: "I know." G: "You're my child... We have to go. We have to go, she'll hurt you. She'll take you away from me." X: "You have to rest. You don't have to go anywhere." G: "You don't understand." X: "I do understand. I understand everything." – All hail this beautiful script. It's intense when Gabrielle says, “She’ll take you away from me,” because she’s clearly talking about Xena. Also, I cry every time I hear Xena say, “I understand everything.” So much is implied about what she understands.

8) G: "Xena, I have a a last wish." X: "I don't want to hear it." G: "No, I'm serious. You don't want to know?" X: "What is it, then?" G: "I don't want to be buried with the Amazons." X: "All right. Well, in fifty years, when the time comes." G: "Xena, I wanna lie with you, with your family, in Amphipolis." X: "What about your family?" G: "I love them, but I'm a part of you. I want it to be like that forever. I love you." X: "OK." G: "This is all my fault." X: "This is not your fault. This is not your fault. It's mine for setting you on a path you were never meant to walk." G: "Any path is OK, Xena, as long as it's with you." X: "I'm setting you on a path to somewhere warm and dry." – This makes me cry, too, god dammit. Just, “Any path is OK as long as it’s with you,” alone is upsetting.

9) Rubio: "You just gained more time. Women always retain more." – Fuck off.

10) Virgil: "Maybe you should rest, Gabrielle, because if given half the chance, I promise you, I'm gonna get us out of here." G: "Be ready when Xena comes." Virgil: "I will." – Gabrielle’s kinda like, “yeah, look, Xena’s comin', so don’t worry about it.” She knows he can’t save her; there’s only one person who can.

11) G: "It looks like the cannibals weren't the only ones cooking something up." – This is so Scooby-Doo. Hahaha

12) X: "This sword's looking a little worse for wear. How you feeling?" G: "I feel better." X: "I mean upstairs." G: "Xena, I did what I had to do. I will learn to live with my mistakes no matter how terrible they may be, but that's the way." – What "way," I wonder? The way of the warrior? What?

I listened to this song this day. The title is most appropriate: "Protect Me Everywhere," which was the topic at the top of the ep. That Gabrielle shouldn't punish herself for accidentally killing Korah, but realize she loves Xena so much she would do anything to protect her. Actually, here:

G: "Xena, if I had listened to my heart do you think that boy would still be alive?" X: "You did listen to your heart. You thought he was going to kill me. Your heart said to protect me."

Xena: Season 6, Episode 05: "Legacy"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"Like Sandstorms through the Hourglass"

This episode feels different, doesn't it. I'm taking deep pleasure in the new dimensions growing in these characters as the show progresses. 

If I said to someone or someone said to me, “You’re the one who made me change my view on life to not want to die,” I would be "with" that person. There's no friend that's caused me to think to myself, "I live for this person," but I have felt that in spades from people I'm in love with. With that in mind, I'm going to go ahead and put my patent-leather-heeled foot down and point-out that Xena and Gabrielle are together.

Missed subtext: Dalius says to Xena about Gabrielle, her slave, “I think someone should be punished," and Xena...with no tongue in cheek and a whoosh heard around the world, says, "Oh, someone will be.” Meaning, she's going to punish the Romans. I mean for gods sake, he started the joke FOR her. What more does she want? All she had to do was allude with a wink or something that she was going to spank Gabrielle. FUCK. The joke writes itself.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: "Don't say I never give you anything: sun, sand-" G: "-Surf." [Gabrielle splashes Xena] X: "That was unnecessary, a little uncalled for. All right, I'm pruning. I'm outta here." – I love so much that Gabrielle is giggling at this gentle teasing from Xena.

2) G: "Strange beauty to the desert." X: "You do look for the good in everything, don'tcha?" G: "Why does it sound like an insult when you say it?" X: "Well, maybe not everything." G: "Yeah, well sand up my wazoo gets me a little edgy." X: "Mmm, hate it when that happens.” – This’s hot.

3) Kahina: “In the desert we learn young to mind our own business; otherwise, you don't become old." X: "Growing old is overrated. I never pass up a good fight." -– Hell yeah.

4) Kahina: "You should pick your fights more wisely, then." G: "We don't pick them, they pick us. Come on, Xena." – This is the first I can remember Gabrielle calling a shot like this.

5) Kahina: "Who are you to take that name? Xena, the legendary warrior princess is long dead." X: "No, she's not." G: "This is Xena." Kahina: "Impossible." G: "No, it's just hard to explain." Kahina: "Oh, and I suppose you're Gabrielle, the battling bard of Poteidaia." G: "I've never heard it used like that, but yeah, I'm Gabrielle." – Particularly partial to Xena’s execution of this dialogue, and love this simple exchange.

6) G: "So this is the desert hospitality that I've heard so much about." – Is that a nod to Texas southern hospitality I hear, or is this an expression used across the world?

7) Kahina: "Xena, we've grown up on the stories of your victories. There's nothing you can't do, no place we wouldn't follow you." G: "Stories." Kahina: "Oh, of course, your scrolls. We were brought up listening to them. Well, surely you knew, Gabrielle." G: "I had no idea they'd come this far. I'm pleased."

8) Kahina: “Of course, our tradition is one of hospitality. My cousins will be honored to take you both to bed." G to X: "What was that you said about not refusing anything?" – Hahahaha

9) G: "Do you think those guys bought that 'Amazon chastity' bit I made up?" X: "Oh, I think they were hanging on every word of ‘Gabrielle, the battling bard.’" G: "Hmm, I think it has character." X: "Yeah." G: "I wish I had a dinar for every time I heard 'Xena, the legendary warrior princess.'" X: "Bet you do." G: "I think you're loving it."

10) X: "These people need help. If anyone knows Romans, we do." G: "I'll say... Xena? Do you ever have those moments in battle where you have to decide whether to disable someone or to kill them?" X: "What?" G: "Don't you ever think about it?" X: "You just have to trust your instincts, that's all." G: "Well, what if your instincts are wrong?" X: "If you're gonna stop and debate that, you're gonna get hurt." – Man, this is so good. Gabrielle’s demeanor is different from what we’re used to, and the way Xena says all this is perfect. Love Xena saying, "You're going to get hurt," and continuing to stare at Gabrielle for a long time without Gabrielle being able to see her.

11) Tazere: "Show me this myth you claim to have found wandering in the desert." X: "Watch who you're calling a myth." – Heh heh

12) Korah: "Could you teach me to use those weapons?" G: "If you want me to." Korah: "May I wash your feet?" G: "I don't think you wanna do that." Korah: "No, it is a custom. Please." G: "No, really, you-" Korah: "-may I?" G: "OK, if you must." – Smooth.

13) Korah: "Your descriptions of the battles you've been in show growth and understanding from the earliest of the scrolls to the latest. Were you aware of that?" G: "No." – God, what a pass by Korah.

14) X: "Gabrielle [Xena sees Korah washing Gabrielle’s footsie. Gabrielle gets up and goes to her.] Let's go check-out the town and find out what the Romans are up to." [All at once] Kahina: "Its too-!" Tazere: "It's too-" Korah: "No!" X: "Hold it! Gabrielle and I can handle this. Everyone else stay here." – Xena is fucking pissed.

15) X: "What's with the desert boy?" G: "He wants me to teach him how to use the sais." X: "He's picked a great teacher." G: "It's kind of strange being thought of as a warrior more than a bard. Guess I've come a long way." X: "Is that a good thing?" G: "Yeah, it is." – Is “sais” not a mistake? Sai is the plural form of sai. Surely they knew this but maybe did it to be less distracting to the viewer.

16) G: "For once, Xena, I'd like to be the Roman noble and you be the slave." – FUNNY (and hot).

17) X/Phasmia: "What if they were to unite? They'd be dangerous, wouldn't they?" Roman Captain: "There is no chance of that. They spout old stories of Xena, Caesar's Thracian whore, and wait for a legendary warrior to rise out of the sand and lead them." – That's literally what they do in the ambush. Fabulous. 

 
18) Tazere: "Only the cursed Romans would -Romans. Xena, did you see them?" X: "No, there was a storm." – The intensity of Xena's words and this moment is palpable.

19) G: "How'd it go?" X: "Not good." G: "I should have gone with you. I'll talk to him, Xena." X: "No, it's more complicated than you think." G: "Xena, it's not complicated. It is simple. I killed Korah." X: "Out here, the penalty for that is death." G: "I accept that." X: "Well, I don't." G: "Xena." X: "What purpose would it serve? It can't bring Korah back now, can it." G: "Xena, that man out there deserves to know the truth." X: "He thinks he does. He thinks the Romans did it." G: "Did you tell them that?" X: "It was an accident. Let him believe the Romans did it. They have to fight them anyway." G: "I can't lie about this." – I treasure this intimate, tender exchange, reminiscent of the gravity of "One Against an Army." My favorite part is Gabrielle sighing, "Xena," after Xena says she won't accept Gabrielle's death sentence. You can barely hear her say it, and yet it engulfs all the ways she feels about Xena.

20) G: “He isn't the killer. I am." – The tension at this point = A+

21) X: "She doesn't deserve to die, Kahina." Kahina: "Neither did Korah. The law is a just one, Xena. This changes everything. You lied to us." X: "That's right, I lied, and even if you were to kill Gabrielle, the Romans would keep coming." Kahina: "Then they will. We can't follow you now. Tomorrow at dawn, she dies."

22) G: "Xena, you once prayed never to see the light go out in me. I just don't think there's much of that left in here. This is best for everyone." – It’s the time of trump, girl. I hear you.

23) G: "Last night, I thought letting them kill me was the best thing for everyone." X: "Gabrielle, you may never forgive yourself for what happened to Korah, but you'll be a stronger person for it." G: "I don't know." X: "I felt that way once. I felt there was nothing left to live for. I was tired of hurting, and I just wanted it to end." G: "What changed it for you?" X: "You did." G: "I guess we've come full circle, huh?" X: "Come on." – This is fucking deep, and I can’t believe this is actual dialogue. Xena wanted to die and, here, so does Gabrielle. It’s a suicide episode.

24) Kahina: "You expect us to trust you now? Why should we?" X: "You have no choice." G: "We could have ridden in the opposite direction." – I wonder if this is the best Gabrielle-scripted episode I’ve ever seen.

25) Kahina: "We don't have enough people, even with the surprise." G: "You have Xena. What more do you want?" Kahina: "Funny how the Romans showed up just in time to save your friend, almost like it was planned." X: "You got the fight you wanted. Stop complaining." Kahina to G: "Left a few details out of those stories, didn't you?" – Hahaha omg this suuuucks. I mean, what can Gabrielle say to that? This isn’t Xena and Gabrielle's best side. Or is it?

26) X: "Tell Caesar Xena sends her regards." Roman Captain: "Xena??" – This line is a bit buried, but how scathing. "I'm definitely gonna kill you right now, you're going to hell, and I was Xena all along!"

27) G: "You saved me today, Xena, against the greater good. Why? Isn't that what we've been fighting for?" X: "Gabrielle, in everyone's life, there's something that goes beyond the greater good.” – How can Gabrielle say this, and why isn’t anyone making the argument that to keep Gabrielle alive would mean saving so many more people? The greater good is to keep Gabrielle alive.

28) X: "Gabrielle, in everyone's life, there's something that goes beyond the greater good. That's what you are in my life. I wasn't about to let you die out there if there was something I could do about it." G: "What if it was my choice?" X: "Especially if it was your choice." – This is so deep. I confess I’ve had friends save me like this. It’s painful to think about, and a dark siuation, because it barely works. 

I'm sorry this isn't more clear-cut, but here's the scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) where Willie almost insults the villagers by refusing their food offering.

Again, apologies for the non-clear-cutted-ness, but here's the scene where Willie, Indi and Short Round are presented with unfamiliar food, including bugs.

Am I going to post the song "Sandstorm" right now? T'would be a crime punishable by death if I didn't. 

I  listened to this song this day, and given how sad this episode is, I think it fits quite nicely.

Xena: Season 6, Episode 04: "Who's Gurkhan?"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"Private Dancer"

All right, bringing it back to Gabrielle! You know, one of my favorite scenes ever is Gabrielle crawling atop Gurkhan to kill him. Seriously, I think about it all the time, ever since the first time I watched it. Up to this point, we’ve never seen anything so serious as Xena playing dirty and sexing-up a royal in front of Gabrielle, then debilitating him so Gabrielle can slaughter him. I treasure everything about it, it’s so fucked up.

Number of times someone actually says, "Who's Gurkhan?": 0

This episode is another Michael Hurst joint. I admit shock at how good his episodes are. 

A FEW FODDER-Y NOTES: 

• I know this is out of place, but I’m really enjoying Xena’s back-armor these days. I’ve never really paid attention to it 'til recently.
• When Eve explains to Gabrielle that they drugged her because they love her, it occurred to me that Eve is now technically older than Gabrielle.
• I can't believe Sarah kicked Xena in the face.
• Virgil describes his product awesomely.
• Interesting: it’s implied that a conversation took place between the concubines and Gabrielle about Xena being her friend.
• I didn’t suspect the first wife was Sarah. I kinda started to at first, for a split second, but was quickly like "nah" and never thought about it again.

EXTRA LOVED:

• The poignant beginning.
• Xena turns around in place at Lila's mention of having a daughter.
• I can't state enough how much I loved everything that happened in Lila's house, the mood, the lighting, how quiet everyone was. It was exquisite.
• How fucked up Eve is.
• Gabrielle resting after puking.
• Xena hanging upside down.
• Xena watching her vision of Gabrielle exit into the wall.
• Xena smoking the hookah.
• The concubine orchestra getting down to Xena’s dance.
• Gabrielle smashing Gurkhan’s face into the bed.
• The way Gabrielle looks at Xena at the end.

Also, real quick, I’m kind of not watching the opening credits, because they’re showing shit that hasn’t happened yet. I get that they want to show what Gabrielle has become and the original credits are outdated in that regard, but they should’ve just stuck to clips from Seasons 4 and 5.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXPANDING UPON THE SUBTEXT:

1) Xena seems "moved" by Gabrielle's dance. The look on Xena's face can be described as carnal. Could be that she’s just worried about Gabrielle, but I don’t think that’s it. I think she’s stunned and has never seen this side of Gabrielle before.

2) Gabrielle appears as a mirage while Xena's bludgeoned in the dungeon. During a moment when Xena lies worn-out and disoriented on the floor, Gabrielle strokes Xena's face and smiles down at her. You always hear about this happening when people are close to death. They see the ones closest to their hearts. This reminded me very much of similar scenes in Braveheart (1995) and Gladiator (2000), which both came out before this episode. But unlike William Wallace and Maximus Decimus Meridius, Xena did not give-in to death. She somehow calculated the right words to say to Gurkhan while enjoying the sight before her.

3) As Xena hangs upside down, close to death, Gabrielle materializes again. Gurkhan interrogates Xena about why she's there, and as Xena struggles to tell the correct lies, Gabrielle dances seductively in front of her. This shocked the shit out of me when I first saw it in 2009, because the answer to glean is that Xena is there for Gabrielle. Gabrielle reminds Xena of the fake reason when she says, "Sarah," but the fact remains that, at that dark moment, Xena is soothed and comforted by a vision of Gabrielle trying to turn her on.

4) When a shaky-legged Xena is brought back to the concubine lounge, Gabrielle holds her and looks at her like she now has disturbing, serious proof that Xena would give her life for her, just as Gabrielle did for Xena in the past. Maybe she also even realizes how Xena felt that time she gave-up her life to save Xena from Hope. Not to be an asshole or anything, but…I love my best friend so much, but I don’t know if I’d give my life for her like that.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "You have a daughter? Xena, I have a niece. Where is she?...Lila, where are Mother and Father?" – Love this part of the conversation, especially when Gabrielle asks, "Where is she?" This simple question has so much weight. Gabrielle actually asks "where is she" with prominence twice in this episode. I love here how she asks, takes a moment, then switches course by asking about their parents.

2) G: “Why were you in Mogador?" Eve: "I was selling slave girls." [Eve walks off.] G to X: "Calm way your daughter talks about her past." X: "She knows what I know: there's nothing you can do to change the past." – I love the way Xena talks about herself and Eve here, like they’re two fucked-up peas in a pod. It’s so deep and I totally understand her.

3) Eve: "She doesn't have what it takes to kill in cold blood. Do you think I inherited that talent from you, Mother?" X: "You certainly had a gift." Eve: "Yeah I did. So, what are you going to do?" X: "Cure her seasickness." – God damn, this conversation is twisted, but of course this is what they talk about. They're like two lions hanging out together. And the way Xena tells Eve she's going to cure Gabrielle's seasickness is so tender. We know what she means when she says it. She's going to restrain Gabrielle and do her dirty work for her, even though Gabrielle will hate her for it. I love it so much.

4) X: "Make it look good." Virgil: "All right, all right." Auctioneer: "What do you want?" Virgil: "Forward, wench!" X: "Not that good." – Hahahaha!

5) Milda: "In my village the choices were marry a sober poor man or a drunk poor man. It was a toss-up, really, the sober men would be less likely to beat you but the drunk men would be less likely to keep you pregnant all the time." – Jesus Christ

6) Auctioneer: "And now for our premier selection, a woman of such fire and beauty that a man.. well, I mean, you'd have to be crazy not to wanna take her home. From Thrace, the blue-eyed goddess, magnificent to the eyes as she undoubtedly will be to the touch.” – This is how Xena is described by someone who has no idea who she is.

7) X: “Very clever” – On board with the way Xena says this, and nice turn in the story.

8) G: "I gotta hand it to Xena. That brew she gave me made me sleep like a baby…Where is she?” – And here's the second time Gabrielle consequentially asks, "Where is she?"

9) G: "You sold Xena to Gurkhan, didn't you?" Eve: "We did it because we love you." Virgil: "Well, I didn't. I mean, well, I mean, I do love you. What I'm trying to say is that I didn't know about the potion until you were already out." – I love that Xena knew Gabrielle would be pissed about being drugged and did it anyway, because she loves her. I heart the shit out of this.

10) Yo: "Gurkhan will punish us if we break the rules." Milda: "Will he spank us?" Yo: "You'll be beaten, manacled, thrown in a dark dungeon, and left to die." Milda: "OK, th-that's all I need to know. Thanks." – This made me LOL.

11) Virgil: “In my stables, I have rare beauties from every part of the world, just waiting to be plucked. Take this one: an Amazon warrior queen from Greece, strong, savage, independent, and untouched by the hands of man. The untold pleasures that await the one who can tame a creature like this stagger the imagination.” – And this is the way you describe Gabrielle if you don't know who she is. Interesting line, "untouched by the hands of man," might put it in subtext.

12) Gurkhan: "Are you here simply because you were taken as a slave?" X/Sophia: "I want to be here." Gurkhan: "Really? And why is that?" [Vision-Gabrielle: "Sarah."] X/Sophia: "I want to give myself to the great Gurkhan." Gurkhan: "Are you sure? No other agenda?" X/Sophia: "Yes, one." Gurkan: "I'm listening." X/Sophia: "I want to be number-one wife." – G appears as a vision throughout this entire conversation. I almost love this as much as the S&M dance in the previous episode. Gabrielle dances seductively, and Xena forces out: “I want to be here.” Gurkhan asks, “Why is that.” When Gabrielle says to Xena, “Sarah,” we all know that’s not really why Xena'’s there. There are two hard-line dialogues happening in Xena’s world: one between Xena and Gurkhan, and one between Xena and Gabrielle. Gurkhan asks Xena why she’s there – all of it is for Gabrielle. Everything she does is for Gabrielle.

13) Lana: "How is she?" X: "Peachy." – This line is my least favorite of this episode. We're to believe Xena was beaten to within an inch of her life. How bad could it have been if Xena is making a joke. "Never better," might have been acceptable, but "Peachy?"

14) X: "Gabrielle, you can do it. You can kill Gurkhan." – God, I relish the way Xena says this, adore the slice of shadow across her face, the water casting a thousand shadows on the wall.

15) Sarah: "Wives of Gurkhan, on your faces." – HELL YEAH.

16) G: "Sarah, I'm Gabrielle. This is Xena." Sarah: "Gabrielle and Xena? Well, that's not possible." G: "Your mother, Lila, my sister, she told us everything that happened. We've come to take you home." – I very much enjoy any encounter where people are forced to deal with the fact that Xena and Gabrielle aren’t dead like they thought.

17) X: "We should go." Sarah: "Oh, that's impossible. Gurkhan's security has made this palace invincible." X: "There's a loophole in the system." – Appreciate this line.

18) G: "Your mother will be so happy to see you." Sarah: "How could she ever love me again, after what I've become?" Eve: "You don't know mothers very well, do you?" Sarah: "You don't understand. I've done terrible things. How can I ever be forgiven? G: "Are *you* ever in the right company." – Backhanded compliment alert! Wee-yoo-wee-yoo-wee-yoo!

This is Gabrielle in the dungeon with Xena.

Totes listened to this song this day, and it perfectly captures this episode in tone. Thank you.

Xena: Season 6, Episode 03: "Heart of Darkness"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"The BDSM Episode"

God DAMN this season is weird. Never mind the fact Xena’s kissed two dudes in three episodes, and Gabrielle one, but this is some dominatrix shit. It’s fucking AWEsome. Is there anything Xena won’t do?

I worship this episode, because it’s one of the rare times (the only?) that Xena simply plays her role in fate without realizing it. Yes, it appears her reasons for suckering Lucifer into taking-over are nefarious, but she acted that way because evil was poisoning her heart. Lucifer was always going to be the one to govern hell. Xena just helped him get there. 

Battling myself fiercely over giving this an 8 instead of a 7. Also, loving Gabrielle's new skirt so far.

Here’s a hot take: G/x. Fight me.

Couple things that annoy of late: Where the fuck are the amazing chakram throws? And I gotta tell ya, I don’t fucking like seeing Eve so docile. 

Furthermore, the very last lines between Gabrielle and Xena, which were “Just led me back to you," and the way they’re delivered are very confusing for me. What was that supposed to mean? That Xena wasn’t thinking of Gabrielle? That she was thinking of her so hard, but she was hurt? That they’re both slutty and fuck it? I’m lost.

Quick brush-up on the seven deadly sins: they're Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride.

EXPANDING ON THE SUBTEXT:

1. Lucifer to Xena: “You're a mortal female with a lying tongue, savage tendencies, and a blonde girlfriend. I'm a celibate archangel in the service of the Lord.” – HE ACTUALLY SAID "GIRLFRIEND." I can't believe they did that. Xena lies, is a savage, and has a blonde girlfriend. The first two things are bad things: lying and being a savage. Who cares if she has a friend who's a girl? That would be a good thing, right? Unless he means that Gabrielle is a sinful, blonde dalliance.
2. When Xena gets up to dance at the orgy, she signals for Gabrielle to dance with her. Gabrielle ditches Virgil mid-makeout to dance with Xena. They're literally going for it, and Gabrielle just turns her head and gets up without so much as a backward glance. I totally did this on a date with a woman I loved once. I was chatting it up with these hunky guys, while my interest went to the bathroom. When she returned, I immediately stopped talking to them and focused on her as if they were never there at all. We left soon after that and slept together for the first time. 
3. Gabrielle dances with Xena, and the dance is jaw-droppingly hot and Dom/subby. What’s particularly interesting about the dance is that Xena, for the first time I can recall, is very quiet, thoughtful and subdued, sexually. She’s not being showy, and it’s Gabrielle in front of her. We don't see her being aggressive and flamboyantly seductive like she just was with Lucifer in the bedroom, or like she's been with Ares or any other dude in the series. At the end of the dance, I would’ve been pissed that they let Virgil play and take Gabrielle away, but Xena is trying to trick Lucifer after all, and Lucifer’s watching the whole thing. What’s supposed to be implied to Lucifer by Xena is, “If Gabrielle gets Virgil, what guy do I get?”
4. During the dance, Virgil walks over to Xena and Gabrielle and sluttily tries to kiss Xena. Gabrielle stops him and pulls him away with her so they can make-out some more. This tells me two things: That Gabrielle was keeping Virgil occupied so he wouldn't try to kiss her woman again, and that Virgil was so affected by Hell that he tried to kiss Xena, when he actually has feelings for Gabrielle. This kind of explains Gabrielle making out with Virgil as well. 
5. Gabrielle never kisses Virgil on the mouth. You show me where she did, I dare you. This reminds me of prostitutes, who have sex with their clients for money, but disallow kissing, as it is too personal and intimate. Think about it.
6. Gabrielle tries to *kill* Archangel Michael, because he’s about to drag Xena to hell. KILL...an ARCHANGEL..
7. Gabrielle hits Xena in the head with Xena's own balled-up leather dress to break-up Xena and Lucifer's hot kiss. I mean, come on. I was so delighted when I saw this. Gabrielle fucking *hit* Xena, because Xena was kissing someone else. Why else would she do this, if not because she was upset? Dude, if my friend were about to get some tail, I would make myself scarce.
8. We see Xena get jealous of Virgil, when for a moment she lets her mask slip and confronts Gabrielle about their make-out session. This is so interesting, and I'm trying to remember another time when Xena was jealous of someone over Gabrielle. I'm sure it's happened, but I just can't remember. Or has it?
9. Gabrielle gets mad at Xena for kissing Lucifer, and Xena at Gabrielle for making out with Virgil. There's a lover's spat between our two heroines. See, Gabrielle hits Xena while she's kissing Lucifer. Xena gets pissed, like, “Well you were making out with Virgil, what was up with that?” And Gabrielle’s like, "So?" like “So, what does that tell you that you’re mad? Say something else.” They sort of argue about it, like they did in "Antony and Cleopatra," and it seems to me that their sexual acts were almost a means to make each other jealous. After the heated exchange cools, they both give back into their dark hearts, and Xena tells Gabrielle that their sexual behavior is evil. What exactly is evil about it? Other than maybe they're cheating on each other and going against their hearts.
10. When Xena says, "Wait. If anyone deserves this historic opportunity it's Gabrielle," Lucifer is confused. Xena explains to him, "She's been my partner for years. She's shared things with me you can never understand." Then she sends him to Hell. This needs no comment.
11. At the end, when Xena is talking to Eve about the power of love, she gets distracted and trails-off when Gabrielle approaches with Virgil. Gabrielle smiles at the look on Xena's face and possibly at her stunned state. It's almost like Xena is ashamed of her promiscuous acts against Gabrielle and in front of Gabrielle, and that she’s just discovered something about Gabrielle? Seriously, look at Xena. Her mouth is agape at Gabrielle for a while here. Even Gabrielle now seems shy in front of Xena. She can barely meet her eyes. What the fuck is happening.
12. Virgil tells Xena that she stopped him from making the mistake of a lifetime, then he looks knowingly and shyly at Gabrielle, and Gabrielle vice versa. Xena’s eyes go back and forth between the two of them kind of skeptically or seriously, curiously?, trying to figure out what she's witnessing, then she says, “Right.” sort of regretfully and darts looks at each of them again. I don’t know why the camera showed this, but it’s fascinating.
13. When Gabrielle says, "Thought I’d lost you for a minute there," she can’t even look at Xena. Xena, I think, becomes accusatory, “Oh yeah, which minute was that?” as if to say, “You were too busy fucking with Virgil to notice what I was doing.” She could also have been joking, but it didn't come off as funny to me. Then Gabrielle was like, “Hey, you and Lucifer!” like “You were doing it, too. Now you know how it feels!”
14. Finally, Xena tells Gabrielle that whenever she felt like she was losing control, she thought of Gabrielle, and it brought her back to her. I mean I,  too, think of the woman I love when I’m getting wet ‘n’ wild.

I can't remember the last time I pulled so many quotes from one episode. I tried to fine-tooth-comb it, I really did, but this is what happens when a script is excellent.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA LOVED: 

1) The way the archangels are standing at the beginning
2) Virgil’s look to Eve when saying, no woman is innocent
3) Xena taking-off her leather dress
4) Xena flinching when Lucifer hits Eve
5) That Xena turned Lucifer into Satan and sent him to Hell

EXTRA QUOTES (HOLY F. THERE ARE SO MANY, I SHOULD'VE JUST PASTED THE WHOLE TRANSCRIPT): 

1) Michael: "Xena will never go down to Hell voluntarily." Raphael: "When she opened up that portal and killed Mephistopheles, she became him. You know the rules. She belongs on that throne." Michael: "The last time Xena was in Hell she almost captured Heaven." Rap: "Well, we've gotta do something. We can't just leave her on Earth with pure evil streaming out of that portal." – This is awesome. I love that the reason the archangels don't want Xena in Hell is because they're afraid she'll destroy Heaven.

2) Eve: "A great evil is coming, Gabrielle. I can feel it." G: "Maybe that's because you're standing near the portal to Hell." – Hhahaaaha

3) G: "Xena, we've got a problem." X: "Let me guess, it's huge and potentially devastating." Aliyah: "An angel." Lucifer: "Well, I'm more than an angel I'm an archangel destined to become a household name, especially after I send Xena to Hell." X: "So it is huge and potentially devastating. Goody." – Just one of many amazing lines.

4) Lucifer: "You're obviously not aware that this pride you accuse me of is a mortal sin." X: "One of the seven deadlies, in fact. So I can understand you wanting to keep it quiet, being an angel and all." Lucifer: "You twist my words." X: "No, I straighten them out. And you should thank me, because they're the last ones you're ever gonna speak." – This might be my favorite episode for Xena one-liners. Her delivery is so subtle, funny and quick. I really appreciate it.

5) X: "Because I am a generous soul, I'm going to make sure that Gabrielle records your household name for all of posterity." Lucifer: "Lucifer, my name's Lucifer." X: "Has a nice ring, kinda like a death knell." – Hahahaha I looooove the way she says the death knell line.

6) X: "Come on, Lucy, I won't bite. You don't mind if I call you Lucy, do you?" – This is of course LL’s own name. So cute. And like this is so obnoxious. I love dark Xena.

7) Eve: "You may not be descending to Mephistopheles' throne voluntarily, but obviously it's coming up to claim it's new queen." X: "You mean its rightful ruler." G: "That would be you." X: "Not if I can find someone else to take my place...him." G: "You're gonna turn an archangel into the king of Hell?" 

8) X: "Evie, listen, fruit rots from the inside out. It's not called corruption if you just peel away the layers to expose the rotten core. That is, unless you want Mommy to go to Hell." – I don't know what to say, this is so funny.
 
9) Lucifer: "Nice place you got here." X: "Well, that's the last time I let an evil demon do the redecorating." – Hammy and delicious.

10) X: "Stay on Earth and I'll show you. You can't imagine what it's like, Lucifer, to sample flesh in every form." Lucifer: "Despite what you may think, Xena, it's not the flesh that's appealing it's the spirit. Because-" Lucifer and X: "-that's where the power comes from." X: "I know." – I don’t get this. Thank you.

11) Eve: "The portal is a magnet. It's drawing people here. It's feeding their dark side. It's creating a Hell on Earth, Gabrielle." – I enjoyed Eve in this episode, especially when she goes to church to get those swords. 
 
12) G: "There's a difference between getting life experience and beating an innocent man." Virgil: "No man is innocent, or woman." – Love the way Virgil looks at Eve here.

13) X: "Well lesson one, lose the dagger especially when I know you don't really wanna send little Xena to Hell." – Hahahaha god I love Xena's demeanor and voice in this episode.

14) G: "You should listen to your mother, Eve. She knows what she's doing." Eve: "I wouldn't be so sure, Gabrielle, not anymore." X: "Eve, sweetheart if you can't stand the heat then maybe you should get the hell out of my kitchen!" Eve: "Or stay and put out the fire. [Gabrielle hits Eve in the head with a Jesus fish] Ugh!" G: "No one likes a party-pooper.” – I know I already quoted this on the one-pager, but I will never get over how funny this is.

15) Lucifer: "Your friends seem to be enjoying themselves." X: "Almost as much as you seem to enjoy watching them." – Oh my god..Remind me to tell you about the time I went to a sex party.

16) X: "Michael, since you, better than anyone, know I have the power to kill angels, I am very impressed you'd come to do your own dirty work." Michael: "You dare talk of dirty work, when you besmirch so many souls with your nefarious filth." X: "'Besmirch.' Is that even a real word?" – Hahahaha! That’s exactly what I thought for a split second when he said it, but for the record, I was pretty sure it was a real word…

17) X: "Lucifer, come on, you're smarter than that." Michael: "This isn't a matter of intelligence, Xena. It's about devotion." X: "To whom? Your God?" – I really, really, really love the way LL says “Your god?” The look on her face, her tone, the inflection, everything. I must’ve rewound it 15 times. Aces. Really love LL’s performance in this.

18) X: "I was their hero once, too. Look how they've repaid me. Lucifer, Lucifer. [Fight, the archangels leave.] I told you we'd make one hell of a team! [Lucifer and Xena kiss. Gabrielle hits Xena in the head with her own leather dress.] Yes?" – This "yes." 
 
19) X: "I was kind of in the middle of something, Gabrielle." G: "You were supposed to throw him in the portal." X: "Yeah? Well, he wasn't ready." G: "Xena, no one is ready to go to Hell. That's the point." X: "Really? Well, you and Virgil were lookin' ready to burn not long ago." G: "Yeah? So?" X: "Evil, the dark side. It's intoxicating, isn't it?" G: "Oh, yeah, it's intoxicating." X: "Lucifer and I need time to work out the terms of our new partnership." G: "Partnership?" X: "With no one on the throne of Hell, that portal is gonna burst wide open and the kingdoms of Earth and Hell are going to merge and-" Lucifer: "-she'll need more than a mere mortal to help her rule it." – Is he talking about being better than Gabrielle? Is he throwing it in her face? I can’t figure this out. I think he is, omg.

20) Eve: "You need my help, Mother. I'm the only one that sees what's happening." X: "You may have the gift of sight, Eve, but you should trust I have a vision." Eve: "As I feared, it's led you astray." X: "So what? You gonna illuminate the way back home?" Eve: "Hopefully before the light within is extinguished." X: "Where did I go wrong? You've gotten in Mommy's way for the last time." – Hahaha I have a vision.

21) Eve: "What are you doing here?" Virgil: "Just having an old chat with Eli about why he chose my father's murderer as his messenger." Eve: "Really? What'd he say?" Virgil: "He said, 'Prayer won't help you now.'" Eve: "That's why I came for those." [She indicates the two swords on the alter.] – This line is so fucking awesome. I love it so much.
 
22) G: "I'm sorry, Eve. I can't let you do that." Eve: "Gabrielle, please." G: "No, listen, I can't let you discard all your beliefs because of a crisis." Eve: "My beliefs will die with me if I do not send my mother through that portal." G: "No." Eve: "Look, the only thing left of my mother is our memory of her. If you care anything about that, you will help me send her through that portal." G: "I'll help you." Eve: [Sigh of relief] G: "I've got heeeerr!" - hahahaha

23) X: "Nice run, Eve. Made your mom proud." Virgil: "She came for the swords." X: "My little pacifist. How enterprising. And hypocritical." – Hhahahaha! I love the way X says "and hypocritical." Shit.

24) X: "Wait. If anyone deserves this historic opportunity, it's Gabrielle." Lucifer: "Gab-Gabrielle?" X: "She's been my partner for years. She's shared things with me you can never understand." Lucifer: "What about our partnership?!" X: "You can't expect me to trust someone so ripe for corruption? Someone so quick to switch sides and someone, who without even realizing it, has committed every deadly sin but one." Lucifer: "You tricked me!" X: "You tried to kill me. What did you expect?" – This is great. Didn’t see the seven deadly sin thing coming.

25) Lucifer: "What have you done to me?!" X: "Only what I suspect Michael wanted all along, to put you in touch with your inner demon. Your kingdom awaits!" Lucifer: "Come, Xena you belong to me." X: "The hell I do." – YES BITCH
 
26) Eve: "I never should have doubted you." X: "After all you've seen and been through, I can't blame you for thinking the dark side had won. I just hope that one day you'll believe as strongly as I do in the power of love to save lives." G: "Xena, you did more than save lives. You, um-" Virgil: "-saved me from makin' the mistake of a lifetime." X: "Right." – Xena seems to realize here that Gabrielle and Virgil could've easily fucked each other, and that would've been catastrophic. That's not all she's realizing. She understands that Virgil doesn't really mean that it would've been a mistake at all to sleep with Gabrielle, because he loves her. Maybe he thought Gabrielle never would've forgiven herself, if she'd gone through with it. Something is up, here.

27) G: "Thought I'd lost you for a minute, there." X: "Yeah, which minute was that?" G: "You and Lucifer were looking, um a little, uh.." X: "Gabrielle, every time I felt myself start to lose control,  just thought of you, led me back home." G: "Really?" X: "Sure." G: "Don't go getting all emotional on me, Xena." – “Sure?” Getting tired of Xena treating Gabrielle like sloppy seconds at the end of these episodes. The “Amphipolis Under Siege” episode comes to mind.

Yes, you heard correctly. There's a character in this episode named Aliyah. Here's a shoutout to the real Aaliyah, who passed away too soon in a plane crash 10 months after this episode aired. God rest her soul.

I listened to this song this day. Probably the greatest song known to man, and that's why I randomly keep it in my playlist at all times. Deal with it.