Xena: Season 6, Episode 03: "Heart of Darkness"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"The BDSM Episode"

God DAMN this season is weird. Never mind the fact Xena’s kissed two dudes in three episodes, and Gabrielle one, but this is some dominatrix shit. It’s fucking AWEsome. Is there anything Xena won’t do?

I worship this episode, because it’s one of the rare times (the only?) that Xena simply plays her role in fate without realizing it. Yes, it appears her reasons for suckering Lucifer into taking-over are nefarious, but she acted that way because evil was poisoning her heart. Lucifer was always going to be the one to govern hell. Xena just helped him get there. 

Battling myself fiercely over giving this an 8 instead of a 7. Also, loving Gabrielle's new skirt so far.

Here’s a hot take: G/x. Fight me.

Couple things that annoy of late: Where the fuck are the amazing chakram throws? And I gotta tell ya, I don’t fucking like seeing Eve so docile. 

Furthermore, the very last lines between Gabrielle and Xena, which were “Just led me back to you," and the way they’re delivered are very confusing for me. What was that supposed to mean? That Xena wasn’t thinking of Gabrielle? That she was thinking of her so hard, but she was hurt? That they’re both slutty and fuck it? I’m lost.

Quick brush-up on the seven deadly sins: they're Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride.

EXPANDING ON THE SUBTEXT:

1. Lucifer to Xena: “You're a mortal female with a lying tongue, savage tendencies, and a blonde girlfriend. I'm a celibate archangel in the service of the Lord.” – HE ACTUALLY SAID "GIRLFRIEND." I can't believe they did that. Xena lies, is a savage, and has a blonde girlfriend. The first two things are bad things: lying and being a savage. Who cares if she has a friend who's a girl? That would be a good thing, right? Unless he means that Gabrielle is a sinful, blonde dalliance.
2. When Xena gets up to dance at the orgy, she signals for Gabrielle to dance with her. Gabrielle ditches Virgil mid-makeout to dance with Xena. They're literally going for it, and Gabrielle just turns her head and gets up without so much as a backward glance. I totally did this on a date with a woman I loved once. I was chatting it up with these hunky guys, while my interest went to the bathroom. When she returned, I immediately stopped talking to them and focused on her as if they were never there at all. We left soon after that and slept together for the first time. 
3. Gabrielle dances with Xena, and the dance is jaw-droppingly hot and Dom/subby. What’s particularly interesting about the dance is that Xena, for the first time I can recall, is very quiet, thoughtful and subdued, sexually. She’s not being showy, and it’s Gabrielle in front of her. We don't see her being aggressive and flamboyantly seductive like she just was with Lucifer in the bedroom, or like she's been with Ares or any other dude in the series. At the end of the dance, I would’ve been pissed that they let Virgil play and take Gabrielle away, but Xena is trying to trick Lucifer after all, and Lucifer’s watching the whole thing. What’s supposed to be implied to Lucifer by Xena is, “If Gabrielle gets Virgil, what guy do I get?”
4. During the dance, Virgil walks over to Xena and Gabrielle and sluttily tries to kiss Xena. Gabrielle stops him and pulls him away with her so they can make-out some more. This tells me two things: That Gabrielle was keeping Virgil occupied so he wouldn't try to kiss her woman again, and that Virgil was so affected by Hell that he tried to kiss Xena, when he actually has feelings for Gabrielle. This kind of explains Gabrielle making out with Virgil as well. 
5. Gabrielle never kisses Virgil on the mouth. You show me where she did, I dare you. This reminds me of prostitutes, who have sex with their clients for money, but disallow kissing, as it is too personal and intimate. Think about it.
6. Gabrielle tries to *kill* Archangel Michael, because he’s about to drag Xena to hell. KILL...an ARCHANGEL..
7. Gabrielle hits Xena in the head with Xena's own balled-up leather dress to break-up Xena and Lucifer's hot kiss. I mean, come on. I was so delighted when I saw this. Gabrielle fucking *hit* Xena, because Xena was kissing someone else. Why else would she do this, if not because she was upset? Dude, if my friend were about to get some tail, I would make myself scarce.
8. We see Xena get jealous of Virgil, when for a moment she lets her mask slip and confronts Gabrielle about their make-out session. This is so interesting, and I'm trying to remember another time when Xena was jealous of someone over Gabrielle. I'm sure it's happened, but I just can't remember. Or has it?
9. Gabrielle gets mad at Xena for kissing Lucifer, and Xena at Gabrielle for making out with Virgil. There's a lover's spat between our two heroines. See, Gabrielle hits Xena while she's kissing Lucifer. Xena gets pissed, like, “Well you were making out with Virgil, what was up with that?” And Gabrielle’s like, "So?" like “So, what does that tell you that you’re mad? Say something else.” They sort of argue about it, like they did in "Antony and Cleopatra," and it seems to me that their sexual acts were almost a means to make each other jealous. After the heated exchange cools, they both give back into their dark hearts, and Xena tells Gabrielle that their sexual behavior is evil. What exactly is evil about it? Other than maybe they're cheating on each other and going against their hearts.
10. When Xena says, "Wait. If anyone deserves this historic opportunity it's Gabrielle," Lucifer is confused. Xena explains to him, "She's been my partner for years. She's shared things with me you can never understand." Then she sends him to Hell. This needs no comment.
11. At the end, when Xena is talking to Eve about the power of love, she gets distracted and trails-off when Gabrielle approaches with Virgil. Gabrielle smiles at the look on Xena's face and possibly at her stunned state. It's almost like Xena is ashamed of her promiscuous acts against Gabrielle and in front of Gabrielle, and that she’s just discovered something about Gabrielle? Seriously, look at Xena. Her mouth is agape at Gabrielle for a while here. Even Gabrielle now seems shy in front of Xena. She can barely meet her eyes. What the fuck is happening.
12. Virgil tells Xena that she stopped him from making the mistake of a lifetime, then he looks knowingly and shyly at Gabrielle, and Gabrielle vice versa. Xena’s eyes go back and forth between the two of them kind of skeptically or seriously, curiously?, trying to figure out what she's witnessing, then she says, “Right.” sort of regretfully and darts looks at each of them again. I don’t know why the camera showed this, but it’s fascinating.
13. When Gabrielle says, "Thought I’d lost you for a minute there," she can’t even look at Xena. Xena, I think, becomes accusatory, “Oh yeah, which minute was that?” as if to say, “You were too busy fucking with Virgil to notice what I was doing.” She could also have been joking, but it didn't come off as funny to me. Then Gabrielle was like, “Hey, you and Lucifer!” like “You were doing it, too. Now you know how it feels!”
14. Finally, Xena tells Gabrielle that whenever she felt like she was losing control, she thought of Gabrielle, and it brought her back to her. I mean I,  too, think of the woman I love when I’m getting wet ‘n’ wild.

I can't remember the last time I pulled so many quotes from one episode. I tried to fine-tooth-comb it, I really did, but this is what happens when a script is excellent.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA LOVED: 

1) The way the archangels are standing at the beginning
2) Virgil’s look to Eve when saying, no woman is innocent
3) Xena taking-off her leather dress
4) Xena flinching when Lucifer hits Eve
5) That Xena turned Lucifer into Satan and sent him to Hell

EXTRA QUOTES (HOLY F. THERE ARE SO MANY, I SHOULD'VE JUST PASTED THE WHOLE TRANSCRIPT): 

1) Michael: "Xena will never go down to Hell voluntarily." Raphael: "When she opened up that portal and killed Mephistopheles, she became him. You know the rules. She belongs on that throne." Michael: "The last time Xena was in Hell she almost captured Heaven." Rap: "Well, we've gotta do something. We can't just leave her on Earth with pure evil streaming out of that portal." – This is awesome. I love that the reason the archangels don't want Xena in Hell is because they're afraid she'll destroy Heaven.

2) Eve: "A great evil is coming, Gabrielle. I can feel it." G: "Maybe that's because you're standing near the portal to Hell." – Hhahaaaha

3) G: "Xena, we've got a problem." X: "Let me guess, it's huge and potentially devastating." Aliyah: "An angel." Lucifer: "Well, I'm more than an angel I'm an archangel destined to become a household name, especially after I send Xena to Hell." X: "So it is huge and potentially devastating. Goody." – Just one of many amazing lines.

4) Lucifer: "You're obviously not aware that this pride you accuse me of is a mortal sin." X: "One of the seven deadlies, in fact. So I can understand you wanting to keep it quiet, being an angel and all." Lucifer: "You twist my words." X: "No, I straighten them out. And you should thank me, because they're the last ones you're ever gonna speak." – This might be my favorite episode for Xena one-liners. Her delivery is so subtle, funny and quick. I really appreciate it.

5) X: "Because I am a generous soul, I'm going to make sure that Gabrielle records your household name for all of posterity." Lucifer: "Lucifer, my name's Lucifer." X: "Has a nice ring, kinda like a death knell." – Hahahaha I looooove the way she says the death knell line.

6) X: "Come on, Lucy, I won't bite. You don't mind if I call you Lucy, do you?" – This is of course LL’s own name. So cute. And like this is so obnoxious. I love dark Xena.

7) Eve: "You may not be descending to Mephistopheles' throne voluntarily, but obviously it's coming up to claim it's new queen." X: "You mean its rightful ruler." G: "That would be you." X: "Not if I can find someone else to take my place...him." G: "You're gonna turn an archangel into the king of Hell?" 

8) X: "Evie, listen, fruit rots from the inside out. It's not called corruption if you just peel away the layers to expose the rotten core. That is, unless you want Mommy to go to Hell." – I don't know what to say, this is so funny.
 
9) Lucifer: "Nice place you got here." X: "Well, that's the last time I let an evil demon do the redecorating." – Hammy and delicious.

10) X: "Stay on Earth and I'll show you. You can't imagine what it's like, Lucifer, to sample flesh in every form." Lucifer: "Despite what you may think, Xena, it's not the flesh that's appealing it's the spirit. Because-" Lucifer and X: "-that's where the power comes from." X: "I know." – I don’t get this. Thank you.

11) Eve: "The portal is a magnet. It's drawing people here. It's feeding their dark side. It's creating a Hell on Earth, Gabrielle." – I enjoyed Eve in this episode, especially when she goes to church to get those swords. 
 
12) G: "There's a difference between getting life experience and beating an innocent man." Virgil: "No man is innocent, or woman." – Love the way Virgil looks at Eve here.

13) X: "Well lesson one, lose the dagger especially when I know you don't really wanna send little Xena to Hell." – Hahahaha god I love Xena's demeanor and voice in this episode.

14) G: "You should listen to your mother, Eve. She knows what she's doing." Eve: "I wouldn't be so sure, Gabrielle, not anymore." X: "Eve, sweetheart if you can't stand the heat then maybe you should get the hell out of my kitchen!" Eve: "Or stay and put out the fire. [Gabrielle hits Eve in the head with a Jesus fish] Ugh!" G: "No one likes a party-pooper.” – I know I already quoted this on the one-pager, but I will never get over how funny this is.

15) Lucifer: "Your friends seem to be enjoying themselves." X: "Almost as much as you seem to enjoy watching them." – Oh my god..Remind me to tell you about the time I went to a sex party.

16) X: "Michael, since you, better than anyone, know I have the power to kill angels, I am very impressed you'd come to do your own dirty work." Michael: "You dare talk of dirty work, when you besmirch so many souls with your nefarious filth." X: "'Besmirch.' Is that even a real word?" – Hahahaha! That’s exactly what I thought for a split second when he said it, but for the record, I was pretty sure it was a real word…

17) X: "Lucifer, come on, you're smarter than that." Michael: "This isn't a matter of intelligence, Xena. It's about devotion." X: "To whom? Your God?" – I really, really, really love the way LL says “Your god?” The look on her face, her tone, the inflection, everything. I must’ve rewound it 15 times. Aces. Really love LL’s performance in this.

18) X: "I was their hero once, too. Look how they've repaid me. Lucifer, Lucifer. [Fight, the archangels leave.] I told you we'd make one hell of a team! [Lucifer and Xena kiss. Gabrielle hits Xena in the head with her own leather dress.] Yes?" – This "yes." 
 
19) X: "I was kind of in the middle of something, Gabrielle." G: "You were supposed to throw him in the portal." X: "Yeah? Well, he wasn't ready." G: "Xena, no one is ready to go to Hell. That's the point." X: "Really? Well, you and Virgil were lookin' ready to burn not long ago." G: "Yeah? So?" X: "Evil, the dark side. It's intoxicating, isn't it?" G: "Oh, yeah, it's intoxicating." X: "Lucifer and I need time to work out the terms of our new partnership." G: "Partnership?" X: "With no one on the throne of Hell, that portal is gonna burst wide open and the kingdoms of Earth and Hell are going to merge and-" Lucifer: "-she'll need more than a mere mortal to help her rule it." – Is he talking about being better than Gabrielle? Is he throwing it in her face? I can’t figure this out. I think he is, omg.

20) Eve: "You need my help, Mother. I'm the only one that sees what's happening." X: "You may have the gift of sight, Eve, but you should trust I have a vision." Eve: "As I feared, it's led you astray." X: "So what? You gonna illuminate the way back home?" Eve: "Hopefully before the light within is extinguished." X: "Where did I go wrong? You've gotten in Mommy's way for the last time." – Hahaha I have a vision.

21) Eve: "What are you doing here?" Virgil: "Just having an old chat with Eli about why he chose my father's murderer as his messenger." Eve: "Really? What'd he say?" Virgil: "He said, 'Prayer won't help you now.'" Eve: "That's why I came for those." [She indicates the two swords on the alter.] – This line is so fucking awesome. I love it so much.
 
22) G: "I'm sorry, Eve. I can't let you do that." Eve: "Gabrielle, please." G: "No, listen, I can't let you discard all your beliefs because of a crisis." Eve: "My beliefs will die with me if I do not send my mother through that portal." G: "No." Eve: "Look, the only thing left of my mother is our memory of her. If you care anything about that, you will help me send her through that portal." G: "I'll help you." Eve: [Sigh of relief] G: "I've got heeeerr!" - hahahaha

23) X: "Nice run, Eve. Made your mom proud." Virgil: "She came for the swords." X: "My little pacifist. How enterprising. And hypocritical." – Hhahahaha! I love the way X says "and hypocritical." Shit.

24) X: "Wait. If anyone deserves this historic opportunity, it's Gabrielle." Lucifer: "Gab-Gabrielle?" X: "She's been my partner for years. She's shared things with me you can never understand." Lucifer: "What about our partnership?!" X: "You can't expect me to trust someone so ripe for corruption? Someone so quick to switch sides and someone, who without even realizing it, has committed every deadly sin but one." Lucifer: "You tricked me!" X: "You tried to kill me. What did you expect?" – This is great. Didn’t see the seven deadly sin thing coming.

25) Lucifer: "What have you done to me?!" X: "Only what I suspect Michael wanted all along, to put you in touch with your inner demon. Your kingdom awaits!" Lucifer: "Come, Xena you belong to me." X: "The hell I do." – YES BITCH
 
26) Eve: "I never should have doubted you." X: "After all you've seen and been through, I can't blame you for thinking the dark side had won. I just hope that one day you'll believe as strongly as I do in the power of love to save lives." G: "Xena, you did more than save lives. You, um-" Virgil: "-saved me from makin' the mistake of a lifetime." X: "Right." – Xena seems to realize here that Gabrielle and Virgil could've easily fucked each other, and that would've been catastrophic. That's not all she's realizing. She understands that Virgil doesn't really mean that it would've been a mistake at all to sleep with Gabrielle, because he loves her. Maybe he thought Gabrielle never would've forgiven herself, if she'd gone through with it. Something is up, here.

27) G: "Thought I'd lost you for a minute, there." X: "Yeah, which minute was that?" G: "You and Lucifer were looking, um a little, uh.." X: "Gabrielle, every time I felt myself start to lose control,  just thought of you, led me back home." G: "Really?" X: "Sure." G: "Don't go getting all emotional on me, Xena." – “Sure?” Getting tired of Xena treating Gabrielle like sloppy seconds at the end of these episodes. The “Amphipolis Under Siege” episode comes to mind.

Yes, you heard correctly. There's a character in this episode named Aliyah. Here's a shoutout to the real Aaliyah, who passed away too soon in a plane crash 10 months after this episode aired. God rest her soul.

I listened to this song this day. Probably the greatest song known to man, and that's why I randomly keep it in my playlist at all times. Deal with it.