Xena: Season 4, Episode 17: "The Play's the Thing"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"XenaCon on Broadus Wayus, 2018 BC"

Not much to say here, other than this is a comedy and it's fucking funny, but mostly Xena-less.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES (THAT ARE JUST ALL JOKES):

1) G: "I appreciate that. But, Xena it was one of my favorite scrolls a new one charting our history through the prism of time it was " G and X: " a more intimate " X: " examination of our relationship and on and on. You've been talking about it ever since we left Paraeus." – "A more intimate examination of our relationship." Intimate. This is so gay.

2) X: "Well, when I say, 'Don't mention it,' I mean you can mention it. It's just a figure of speech. You don't have to take it literally. It wouldn't kill ya to maybe look back or something." – Hahahaha

3) Sophecles when he sees Gabrielle: "Oh! Huh?" (offers arm to Gabrielle) G: "Not in your lifetime. Thank you." – Hahahaha, god dammit, Gabrielle gets funnier and funnier as the series continues.

4) Joxer: "Hi. Gabrielle, wow! Uh, your hair. Did that hurt? Uh, what's that you're wearing?" G: "Sari." Joxer: "Don't apologize. It looks good." – Saw this joke coming but it’s good. The tattoo reference, hahahaha.

5) G: "My scroll. This is it. Thank you. Thank you. Where did you find it?" Zehra: "I was sitting in the little girls' house, and there it was, right beside me." – Gabrielle left her scroll in the bathroom, probably while reading it on the toilet.

6) G: "Oook, now, um try it like Xena would." "X": "Ayiyiyiyi! Ayiyi! You were right, Gabrielle. How could have I been so blind?" G: "She'll do. Besides, Xena requires more of an athlete. Great!" – I love that Gabrielle thinks of Xena as an athlete.

7) Milo: "My little bowl of vipers let me get this right. You sold Kaelus the Conqueror 75% interest in the play, right?" – I'm stealing that sentiment.

8) G: "Minya come on, it's your big scene." Minya: "Yeah, ow, my big scene where I talk my issues out more. It seems like all we do is talk. You know, maybe the play might be even better if we just clobbered some skulls." – I love the shit out of this.

9) Joxer: "Yeah. Um Gabrielle, the play is great. Um maybe if we just had a different title." G: "Like what? 'Springtime for Warlords'?" Joxer: "Oh, well, or uh 'Blood, Guts, and Babes.'" Minya: "'Wild Men in Rubber.'" "Humongus": "Or 'Big Boys in Boxers!'" – Which one is your fave?

10) G: "Thank you. And I want to apologize for losing control. I promise, it won't happen again. OK? Well, let's start where we left off scene 84. OK, first positions. Let's go. Paulina, when you're ready." – "Scene 84?" "First positios?" hahahahaha!

11) G: "Artists aren't supposed to care what the public wants. We're not doing this for money." Man: "Well, I am." Women's Voices: "So am I!" "Me, too!" – No kiddin!

12) “No good playwright would have her art reduced for the sake a few dinars.” – Tell that to George Lucas. 

13) G to Paulina: "'Kill 'em all! Kill 'em all!' You see? It's from the back of the throat. It's much more guttural. I mean, we have to believe the anger, the hatred for life OK? Now, make that audience shiver." – Hahahaha!! Oh my god, I nearly lost my breath, here.

14) G: "What am I doing? All this sex, blood, violence? Have I gone crazy?" Joxer: "Gabrielle! We just sold out the first night!" G: "Crazy like a fox! I want more blood! Let's make it gushing!" – LOLed so hard at this.

15) Milo: "If the play's a success, we're-" Zehra: "-Don't say the 'Delta' word." – This is...this episode is so fucking funny.

16) Joxer: "Wow. Gabrielle, Criticus from Varietus is in the audience right now. Don't worry. He's gonna love it. Your vision's great." – Critic from Variety magazine. Hahahaha

17) Cleon: "If I can't get the secrets of defeating Xena at least I'll get her little friend. Huh?" (Xena appears) G: "Xena." Cleon to Xena: "Oh, go away. You're not even a good actress." X: "Now, that was a little uncalled for." – I know I should’ve seen this coming, but I didn’t and it’s hilarious.

18) G: (Zehra and Milo get up to sneak out) "Somebody stop them! (the audience looks at Gabrielle with confusion) Interactive theater! Everybody join in!" – Hahahaa!

19) Critic #1: "The play's not bad. I just don't buy that Xena." Critic #2: "There's the opening of 'Buffus, the Bacchae Slayer' across the street." – This is funny and a reference to Buffy which I’ve never seen.

Here are a few shots of Meg Ryan with her short hair. Remind you of anyone? 

I just saw I, Tonya the night before reviewing this episode. So in honor of that, it's HAT CHACLATE!!

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Xena: Season 4, Episode 16: "The Way"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“Hallalalala Krishna!!” 

Gat damn! This is the episode where Xena gets her arms chopped off. So fucked. [POSSIBLE SERIES SPOILER:] ...It happens again right? [END SPOILER]

[ANOTHER SEASON SPOILER:] I keep forgetting that these episodes about abstinence from violence are annoying for a reason. They make "The Ides of March" that much more amazing. [END SPOILER]

This episode’s a bit of a slog, isn’t it. Kind of like being in church.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Eli: "It's life that we must revere it wherever we find it to bring peace to this world. I have to teach mankind a reverence for life." – I don’t understand a word of this.

2) Eli: "Then I'd get up again if I could. But under no circumstances would I fight back. If I did I would simply be perpetuating the cycle of violence that has ravaged the Earth for centuries. That cycle has to be broken, Gabrielle. And the truth is that that can only be done through nonviolence." G: "So, that's the truth." – I don’t fully agree with this, but I guess this is why Jesus was special.

3) G: "Hanuman no offense. You see, Xena and I aren't used to waiting around for the gods to bail us out." – This equals true. I love that they don't give a shit.

4) X: "Well, your friend Krishna didn't show." Hanuman: "We need to get his attention." X: "And how do we do that?" Hanuman: "With these gods sometimes you've got to try something unusual." X: "Like what?!" Hanuman: "I pray to him all the time. What Krishna needs is for someone to call upon him who doesn't respect gods doesn't trust them doesn't like them someone who thinks she doesn't need them." X: "You want me to pray." – God, this is funny.

5) Eli: "Be patient. We'll be all right." G: "I don't think that's very realistic. This is an evil man!" Eli: "He's not a man at all, Gabrielle. He's the incarnation of evil itself." G: "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Eli: "He and I may be here in mortal bodies, but our war is a spiritual one. I'm sure that if I can stay faithful to my way, I can defeat him. His is the way of evil. Mine is the way of " G: " love! I know that. I know that." – Hahaha! This whole exchange is fuckin hilarious.

6) Krishna: "How do you expect to defeat Indrajit?" X: "I can't without your help." Krishna: "But I can't help you unless you let me." X: "I'm not one for cryptic talk. Get to the point." – Hahahaha

7) X: "I'm close? I don't think so. I don't have the patience of Gabrielle, the love of Eli, or the serenity of my mentor, Lao Ma. I'm just an angry, ass-kicking-" Krishna: "-warrior." X: "Yes, a warrior." – Proper.

8) Krishna: "Xena you have seen what you're destined to be. In your next life, you will walk the way of the saint. However you will never achieve that life if you don't follow the way you're on now." X: "The way of the warrior?" Krishna: "Yes you must not be hesitant to fight in a just cause. It is better to die following your own way, than to live following someone else's.” – This is telling me to continue eating candy and shopping Amazon until I die.

9) Kri: "Then go. Rise up like fire and burn all that oppose you. And if you're following the path of the way call my name and the strength to defeat Indrujid will be given to you. Are you ready?" X: "I'm ready." Han: "I'm ready, too." – Hahahaha Hanuman here is fucking hilarious.

10) X: "And I've always known that it was wrong for you. I'm sorry I took you so far from your truth." G: "Don't be sorry. Xena do you think I could have understood the power of selfless love if it weren't for our friendship?" X: "Still, I think maybe you should travel with Eli for a while." G: "No. You and I stay together." X: "Gabrielle, we're headed in opposite directions in life." G: "All rivers run to the sea. We'll end up in the same place; I'm sure of it." – The casualness of this discussion of maybe splitting up is lame.

Is this Hanuman or Planet of the Apes (1968)?

Dude, SWEET.

Indrajit and Xena's showdown reminds me of this horrifying little battle between Perseus and Medusa in Clash of the Titans (1981):

This song's called "Shed Some Blood" and that's exactly what Xena did.

 

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Xena: Season 4, Episode 15: "Between the Lines"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“The Best Shit You Seen”

God, I love this fucking episode. It fills me with so much fuckin joy, I can’t even believe it. This could be my most favorite Xena episode EVER. When I first saw it back in 2012, I had no idea how Gabrielle's hair got short. I assumed that one day, the creators decided it would be short in the next episode and that's all there was to it. I've never seen a show turn a haircut into a plot device.

The ladies' mehndi scene: I can't emphasize it enough. 

Number of times someone is caught off guard by a light show that eventually shoots them into the past: 3

This episode is so good, that when Alti does that tree-log flashback to hurt Xena and Xena is shown in her regular outfit, it seems like it’s been ages since we’ve seen her in that outfit. In reality, the last time we saw her in her Xena gear was the previous episode. 

Something I've come to notice: One of the most beautiful things about the crucifixion scene is that the color pallet is the same color as Xena’s eyes. 

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA LOVED:

1) Near the beginning of the episode, Gabrielle uncovers her long hair for what we find out is the last time. It's truly beautiful, but I think it behooves one to know what's about to happen to truly appreciate the moment. 

2) Both Gabrielle's and Xena’s reactions to Naiyima’s light show is so fun to watch.

3) Arminestra. She says nothing, but I love the shit out of her.

4) Gabrielle’s flashbacks and flashforwards before she enters her life as Shakti.

5) The sobering look on Gabrielle’s face when she tells Xena that the Goddess of Peace (Arminestra/Xena) would be a hero to her.

6) Xena's joking demeanor as she reveals to Gabrielle/Shakti that she is the mother of peace, and the sympathetic look on Gabrielle’s face as Xena tells her.

7) Alti’s face when she's threatening to kill a child and Xena appears.

8) The look Xena and Alti exchange when Alti talks about the last time they saw each other.

9) Xena’s look of death at 29:42.

10) Alti cutting Xena with her own chakram.

11) Xena’s mendhi chakrams. Dude, SWEET.

12) How sweet Xena is about Gabrielle’s new haircut.

EXTRA NOTES:

1) They all emerge from the fire at the end, because they come back through Naiyima’s chest, and Naiyima had just been tossed into the fire.

2) It’s surreal seeing Gabrielle in Alti’s hands.

3) Do Arminestra and Shakti die on crosses, as depicted in Xena/Arminestra's quick vision when Alti visits her and Gabrielle/Shakti in jail?

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Gabrielle: "OK different analogy. Ummmmm when you want to fly with eagles " Xena: "Don't dress like a turkey?" – Lucy Lawless says this just like Marcia Brady.

2) Xena: "I don't know, Gabrielle. Look this is just not me." Gabrielle: "No, no, it is you. Uh, the color the jewelry. It's, um it says, um 'Casual'. It says 'Sexy'. It says-" Xena: "Sheee-yah!" G: "It says a lot." – OMG this made me laugh SO fucking hard.

3) Xena: "Let's go check it out. What has this woman done?!" Man: "Naiyima's husband is dead. She must join him." Gabrielle: "Has she been found guilty of murder?" – SERIOUSLY driving home this whole court thing this season.

4) Xena: "No windows, fantastic.” – AAAaahahahahahahaa!!

5) Khindin: "All this talk is tiring, Arminestra. You wanted to negotiate. But I've heard nothing that appeals to me." Xena/Arminestra: "What?” – This response is the best thing in my adult life.

6) Gabrielle: "Xena you better hurry! Xena? Xena?" Naiyima: "Make move, sweet thing." Gabrielle: "Look, I don't have time for this. Where is Xena?" – What the fuck is going on here.

7) Gabrielle: "This karma that you're talking about, can you see mine? Can you see how much Xena's a part of that?" Naiyima: "Yes, in many lives, past and future. You are right." – Because this is something friends say about each other.

8) Gabrielle/Shakti: "Is she still tall, black hair, a particular warcry when she attacks?" – Love that these are the top three characteristics of Xena.

9) Xena/Arminestra: "Alti. The great evil is Alti." Gabrielle/Shakti: "I thought you killed Alti." Xena/Arminestra: "Her evil just moved on to its next life. And this time, it not only has her spirit, but the strength of a warrior. That's why the mother of peace had no success with Khindin." Gabrielle/Shakti: "The mother of peace?" Xena/Arminestra: "Me.” – Love the look on Gabrielle’s face here.

10) Alti/Khindin: "Every person here has generations of power, just waiting for me to take. And do you know the key?" Xena/Arminestra: "Fear?" Alti/Khindin: "Fear." Xena/Arminestra: "I know. It's like heat radiating from your victim. But fear is a flaw, Alti. a subtle, human flaw, given to us by the gods so that they can exploit us. You think it's wonderful to have that power, but it's not." – A deep take on humankind by Alti.

11) Alti/Khindin: "I'm in awe, Xena. I truly am. I see you found your friend Gabrielle, was it?” – That’s right, Alti has never met Gabrielle.

12) Alti: "What's she told you about me, little girl?! Has she told you about my powers?! Has she told you about this?!" [Crucifixion vision] – I love this part.

13) Alti: "You must be the darshaaam." – OK, I don’t think it’s supposed to be, but the way Alti says "darsham" is hilarious.

14) Niayima: "You both walk a path together. Think of yourselves as lines in the mehndi, separated but forever connected. mehndi contains truth." – Is this true? Did they make this up for the episode? What the fuck is mehndi?

15) Gabrielle: "I guess it's a day for changes." Xena: "Oh, yeah. How does this feel?" [ruffles Gabrielle's hair] Gabrielle: "Feels pretty good. I wish I had some word in it, though. You know, it was like this in that vision." Xena: "I know. I've been thinking about that." – This is so deep as a casual conversation, they’re saying so much.

Naiyima got her time-traveling business model from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971):

A very fitting song I listened to the day I watched this episode:

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