Xena: Season 4, Episode 10: "The Key to the Kingdom"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

"The Jewel of the Nile Episode"

Despite not having Xena or Gabrielle in this episode (there was Lucy Lawless as Meg), this episode was pretty funny and entertaining. A straightforward comedy that's also a bit poignant. And yet again, it's another episode about corruption and stealing from the state/poor.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Soldier: "Careful. This porker's priceless." – Hhahhaahah, fuck

2) Meg: "What are ya/! Stupid or somethin'?! That thing was worth a fortune!" – My family and I have been saying, "What are you? Stupid?" for years. We think it's hilarious. My mother actually just brought it up while I was in Texas without me telling her about this episode.

3) Meg: "Come on! Come on! Make yourselves at home. Ya want some grog? Plenty of grog. Three grogs!" – This is hilarious. Three grogs? Fucking A.

4) Meg: "You'd be surprised what a young, nubile guard will scream out when he's about-" Joxer: "-to meet his maker." – Hahaahhaha! Also, I love that it's accepted that Meg is a sex worker.

5) M/"X": "Be not afraid. I'll not harm you.” – I laughed so hard.

6) Joxer: "Look, Auto! Get this through that thick, thieving skull of yours: Meg has had a hard life, and she needs our help. Now I'm asking you as a friend, lay off of her." Autolycus: "You really like her, don't you? Don't you worry, little buddy. You're dealing with a man of honor." – Intrigued that Autolycus both likes Meg and cares about Joxer. 

7) Kryptos: "Impossible. Our secret police would've told us by now." Meg as Xena: "Oh, secret police?" Ormestin: "Yes?" Meg as Xena: "Well, everybody knows about them.”

8) Meg as Xena: "Does this window face west?" Kry: "Yes. Why?" Meg as Xena: "Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."

9) Joxer: "Hey, you used me. And you used Autolycus! And you used him! Tell me that's not what happened!" Meg: "Nah, that pretty much sums it up." – Classic.

10) Meg: "I got a shamrock, and I know how to use it." Auto: "First of all, it's a chakram. And that thing is made outta wood. Now, give it to me!" [Meg KO's Autolycus with the shamrock.] – I know I should see this shit coming, but it's still just frickin hilarous.

11) Meg: "They just don't understand, Punkin. Well, they can't possible know how it is. See, what I had, now, it wasn't so good. My father, he died when I was really young, and my mom, she tried hard, but why, it just didn't work out. Well, I was left alone to do what I wanted, and I made all my own decisions, and I guess I wasn't too good at that, neither. Things is gonna be different for you. You see those? They're stars. When I was a little girl, I used to think that all those little lights came from houses in the sky, and each one of those houses had a happy family around a cozy fire. And the lights came from all the open windows. And I used to think that at every window, there was a little girl, just like me lookin' out at the other lights. And I wondered what it would be like to be one of them. Well, one day we're gonna be one of those little lights. That's a promise." – Fuuuck, dude.

12) Cleades to Meg: "I wouldn't be here today if someone hadn't risked everything for me. I had to see love, and you showed it to me.” – This line was said wrong. He said it too sexy.

13) Ormestin: "Xena. Two Xena's." X: "That's right. Makes you wanna cry like a baby, doesn't it?" – How is this so brilliant? Xena has the best one-liners, I'm noticing. It's, like, part of her skill set.

14) X: "You do. You've got a warm, caring heart with a lotta love to give." Meg: "For the right price." – I know this was a serious moment, but high-five on that.

15) Meg: "There's a million little lights in the sky, and a million cozy homes, and I ain't never gonna be part of one of `em." X: "Meg, one day it's going to happen for you, and you'll have a family of your own-- not a borrowed one, a family of your own." Meg: "I can't have children." X: "You did a wonderful thing here, Meg. You helped a lot of people because you were able to love one child. And I can't believe that with all the little lights in the sky, that there isn't one waiting for someone like you." – Oh, Meg… Me, too, girl. I am shocked by how deep this is. And also, shit, Xena kind of abandons ship after Meg tells her she can’t have children. Not the most reassuring closing lines I've ever heard. "I'm sure there's a star up there for you! There's so many, there's gotta be one."

I feel this epsiode most closely parallels the sequel to Romancing the Stone known only as Jewel of the Nile (1985). I hate to reveal, but as in Romancing the Stone, the two heroes of the movie are searching for a stone, the precious Jewel of the Nile, which turns out to be a man.

This episode also contains serious references to Three Men and a Baby (1987), the three "men" here being Joxer, Autolycus and Meg.

This is the older version of Lo Pan from Big Trouble Little China. Tell me this wasn't Xena's inspiration for Autolycus's prison-mate.

What I was listening to during at the time of this viewing.

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Xena: Season 4, Episode 9: "Past Imperfect"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“The Copycat Episode”

The thing that stands out about this episode is Xena's speech at the end. It's such a personal moment, and she's in a real naked place. It's at once intimate and a reminder: don’t fuck with Xena. Not even Gabrielle has been seen on the end of such intensity from Xena.

Number of times:

• Xena tries to ditch Gabrielle: 3
• Xena says "crucify" in a sentence by itself: 1

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "It's almost dawn. Come on, better get moving if we're gonna warn the people of Actus about that army." X: "No sense in us both going. Stay here. Catch up on some rest. I'll go to Actus." G: "No, you won't. The threat of a battle does not mean I'm going to end up like your vision." – First time Xena tries to ditch Gabrielle.
 
2) Xena, you're expecting Medusa behind every tree! Y-y-you can't look left! You can't look right! You just-" – Love this line and Gabrielle's delivery.
 
3) G: "That's fine. This conversation is over, right? Deal?" X: "Gods forbid I'd ever bring that subject up again." – This is such a couple argument.
 
4) X: "This baby is nothing compared to my empire." – A fucked up quote that almost got away. She's talking to Borias about Solan.

5) Pas: "What's she doing?" G: "She's looking for an ambush. She's trying to draw them out." X: "Here-- and here." Pas: "She's amazing. OK, let's move." – This is under subtext. The look on Gabrielle’s face here. Gabrielle looks at him like, “get my woman out of your mouth.”

6) X: "Gabrielle, did you see that mountain out there?" G: "Yes. It's part of your vision, right?" – Love this intimate dialogue.
 
7) B: "Ahhh, don't do this! We lost our love. Don't make me an enemy!" X: "You became an enemy the moment you thought there was love."

8) X: "We're going to need a lot of wood. When I'm done here, there'll be a line of crucified bodies leading from Corinth to the Caspian Sea. And I will crucify them all. Crucify them! Crucify!" – So, like, if Xena had stayed in Corinth and defeated them, she would have crucified them all. This is the attack that's being copycatted, so if Satrina would've won, Gabrielle and Xena both would've been crucified by that mountain.

9) G: "So, OK, in order to save me, you're willing to risk these men? Their lives mean nothing to you?!" X: "All right, I will think of something else." G: "No, you won't. As long as you're concentrating on me, you can't think about the problem." X: "I am thinking about the problem." – This is both a putdown and a proclamation of love. I love the shit out of it.

10) Satrina: "You see, Xena, I never did have that much in the way of muscle, never. But I am a survivor. And I have this incredible ability to put myself into my enemy's head. So, when I found myself in your custody, I realized this was my one chance to learn from the best."

11) X: "I couldn't believe that (Borias) could come back for me, and that he was in love with me." Satrina: "But you were focused on the power Alti promised. You shouldn't have left Corinth. You could have taken it!" – Love the way Satrina says this.

12) X: "The poison grain was the key. I tried to think who knew my plans who would know about the poison grain. There was me, you, and Dagnine. And Dagnine's dead. Ahhh! Want some kala root?" – I love the shit out of this turn, love the way Xena says this.

13) X: "What's the matter? You having trouble getting inside my head right now? Let me help you. You killed Borias, the man who could have changed everything for me, if only I had let him. You killed the father of my child! And if he had lived, then maybe my son would s-...Ugggh! Did you get inside my head, now? Huh? What am I thinking now, huh? Uggh!” – IIiiiiiiiiii fucking love this speech. It's so intimate and intense. I don't think even Gabrielle has seen this, at least not on camera.

14) G: "Funny thing about destiny: you can't ignore it, can't rely on it. Alti promised you one, didn't she?" X: "I was to become the destroyer of nations. It's funny how I used to look forward to those promises of hers, and every one of them ended in tragedy. Maybe that's why I fear this prophecy so much." G: "A prophecy? Xena, no one said anything about a prophecy. Maybe it's a warning, a sign, a guide? The truth is, you don't know, like Alti didn't know, because she didn't know you." – [SPOILER] Gabrielle fucking wishes this were true. [END SPOILER]

THE THREE TIMES XENA TRIES TO DITCH GABRIELLE:

1) G: "Xena, the gods know that I have been tied to a cross before. You helped me then. What makes you think this vision is different?" X: "It was so real. The way you looked, the mountain in the background. It's true, or it could be." G: "Well, I'm not going to believe it.” – I love this because it’s so believable and X it's the closest Xena gets to deep talks and revealing her feeings. It's interesting. And they're talking about the death of Gabrielle, so it's kind of scary.

2) Gabrielle, looks like this hospital could sure use your hand." G: "No, Xena, this hospital is well protected. It's in the center of the city. It doesn't need me hiding in it. I'll start the fire brigade." – This is the second time Xena tries to ditch Gabrielle in this episode to protect her. 

3) X: "If I had won back then, if this man wins now, then my vision of your death might come true." G: "I'm going onto the battlements. I'm going to reinforce the men." X: "Gabrielle. Gabrielle!" G: "Xena, I don't believe in your vision. I can't afford to! Now, either I prove you wrong and we go on from here, or I prove you right and we die. But either way, I will not continue like this." – Because if Xena hadn’t withdrawn her army, she would’ve won and crucified them all, similar to her vision with Gabrielle and her. This is the third time she tries to ditch Gabrielle. I also love Gabrielle laying down the law with Xena here.

In the movie Copycat (1995), Sigourney Weaver relives a horrible failed murder attempt (1st video) at the hands of a copycat killer who aims to get it right the second time around (2nd video):

 This is Xena's "Last Dance" with Satrina, or is it...

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Xena: Season 4, Episode 8: "Crusader"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

"The Law of Attraction: The Teachings of the Jinn"

Dude I love this episode so much. And I can't believe how gay it is. Probably the gayest yet. (I already said this, but…)

This episode is obviously about cults, and this one veers dangerously close to incorporating flower children. Gabrielle's induction ceremony looks like something I've seen before, either in history or movie. I can't put my finger on it, but when I do, expect an update by god. Some cults that come to mind are The Mason Family, Scientology, Heaven's Gate, and the Branch Davidians.

Number of times:

• Njara calls for Buttercar: 2
• Njara and her men break out into song: 2
• Gabrielle has to stop someone from killing the other: 2

[SPOILER CORNER for SEASON:] 

1) The episode before this, this one, and the next few are all female antagonists.
2) This season is so well played. I remember watching for the first time and thinking the crucify wouldn’t happen. It changes eeeverything knowing it does. 

[END SPOILER]

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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  CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Njara: "Would you like to join us on our mission?" X: "What's your mission?" Njara: "To fight evil wherever we find it." X: "Can you be a little more specific?"

2) N: "Well, it's a good thing our fight against evil doesn't depend on our singing.” – Ho, ho, ho! Oh, Njara!

3) G: “I don't know what to make of her." – Samesies. People say this about me all the time.

4) X: "Gabrielle? You've been awful quiet. You all right?" G: "Yeah, I was just thinking about yesterday. Amazing." – G is thinking about Njara here. Ouch.

5) Njara: "Garielle, you need to make a full commitment to the light. It will give you faith that what you're doing is right." G: "The light. I need something." – Again, OUCH. Fuck.

6) X: "Come on, Njara, how about it? Do you execute unarmed men without a trial?" Njara: "Definitely not." G: "You see, Xena?-" Njara: "I liberate their souls."

7) G: "Najara, don't do this." X: "Get out of the way, Gabrielle." Naj: "This is between Xena and me. Stay out of it. The light will triumph, Xena." X: "Quit preaching and fight." – This is like my fave.

8) G: "You'll have to kill us both." Njara: "You don't understand, Gabrielle. That darkness inside her will destroy you one day." G: "Put the sword down. Njara. You and I, we'll walk out of here together." Njara: "You're just saying that to protect her." G: "Xena's dark side frightens me. I need to move on, but I could never live with someone who killed her. There would be no going back from that." – It’s interesting, I wonder if Gabrielle is telling the truth about Xena’s dark side frightening her.

9) X: “I hate that.” – Spitting out a tooth. [SPOILER] Take note of how many times Xena says this in the coming episodes. [END SPOILER]

10) X: “I got my butt whipped, didn't I?" Kid: "Uh huh." X: "Well, it serves me right for trusting someone who talks about being good all the time." – There's total truth to this. 

11) G: "Xena, are you all right?" X: "I lost one of those good chewing teeth, but other than that, I'm fine." – See? This episode is not without humor.

12) G: "Xena, we should get out of here." X: "No. She's too dangerous a girl to leave on the loose. She likes killing too much." G: "But she beat you up so badly." X: "Well, that's another reason." – Hhahahaha

13) G: "Be careful, Njara. She's snapped.” – This is kind of hilarious.

14) X: “It's part of that drastic change you talked about, and it's sure gonna change by my destiny." G: "OK." Njara: "I knew you were no good for her." [They fight] X: "You see, it's a little more difficult with a millstone like her around your neck, isn't it? You probably wouldn't care if one of your soldiers died. They'd just go up to that big, old light in the sky. But you might miss Gabrielle, huh?" – This whole exchange is something I don't want to get lost in the fray. I should include it below with "Gayest Lines," but it's so intense by itself, thus here it stays. Also, I  love Gabrielle's "OK" in the middle of it, her trying to diffuse two people who are ready to kill each other.

15) G: "Xena! Don't kill her." X: "Looks like she saved both our lives today." – Gabrielle has to tell Njara and Xena not to kill each other, like a master to a dog. It's kinda hot.

16) X: "Did you tell her about the vision?" Njara: "No. That would hurt her, and I don't ever want to do that. That's your job" – Fuuuuuck.

17) Njara: “I forgive you, Gabrielle.” – Just like I’ve forgiven every woman that fucked me over.

GAYEST LINES:

1) Njara: "As soon as she realizes you've left her, you know she'll follow you." X: "I see such joy in her eyes when she talks to you about your mission. She's been looking for meaning. I think you can give it to her. It hasn't always been good for her, being with me. I seem to hurt her." – No comment.

2) Njara: "I know she forgives you. I promise I'll do everything I can to justify your trust." X: "You better." – Translation: "You better treat her right. Don’t do her like I did"

3) X: "Come on, Gabrielle." Njara: "No! Gabrielle has turned to the light. She's my responsibility now. As you said yourself, you hurt her. That's not going to happen again." – Translation: "She divorced you and married me. DON'T YOU GET IT, BITCH, SHE'S WITH ME NOW."

4) X: “But if I can't have her, nobody's gonna have her.” – Ahem. Nobody’s gonna HAVE her? Jesus. How many movies have we seen with crazed lovers trying to kill their objects of affection, because they an't have them? This is kind of funny. If I were Gabrielle, I would've thought it was funny.

5) Njara: "I knew you were no good for her." – Whelp!

NOTABLE SCENES:

17:03 – Fan art alert. The beautiful angle from the side.

20:56 – Xena looks so hurt here

39:03 – That sword spin and its sound effects

39:19 – Xena's fabulous spin kick

Here's the gang on Poltergeist talking about "the Light," which is a bad entity:

I am trying like all hell to think of a movie where the victim or love interest surrenders herself to the bad guy to save the one she loves from being killed, but I can't think of one right now. Soon. This scrawny paragraph is a mere place holder.

This is a song Njara and her members keep in heavy rotation on the nightly singing playlist:

Many don't know that Norman Greenbaum's “Spirit in the Sky” got its roots in Ancient Greece:

What I was listening to when I watched this episode: The XX's song “Seesaw” was written by Xena of Amphipolis about Gabrielle of Potidaea and her turn to Njara and The Jinn:

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