Xena: Season 3, Episode 20: "Vanishing Act"

This is the statue one. I love this episode, even though I wouldn't say it's a favorite. I primarily love it for the many chances it takes.

This episode - I don't want to say this, but - is similar to "King Con," in that Xena takes a much harder route to do something she could easily have done without Autolycus. The differences are: 

1) Xena reiterates in this episode, that she's taking an unnecessary route for Autolycus.

2) Their mission doesn't involve a friend who was beaten to within an inch of his life. 

3) Xena and Gabrielle didn't ask Autolycus for his help.

Remember Jasmine, who used to live here but has since moved to Los Angeles? Well, after I watched the whole series in 2009 (when she still lived here), I would tell her about episodes; not many but some. This episode was so funny to me, after watching it in 2009, that I told her about the scene where Xena enters as Ezra. Jasmine has laughed about that scene for years without ever having seen it. To this day, she will bring it up and say, "So! Where are you hiding that statue?" the way I, pretending to be Lucy Lawless, pretending to be Xena, pretending to be Ezra, would say it. It's so fucking funny. While watching this episode the other day, I finally captured that scene on video and sent it to her. She laughed and laughed. We both did.

Useless fact: This also marks two episodes in a row where a character has revealed to Xena that his brother died. Her brother also died, remember.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) Autolycus: “Yeah, nothing besides letting you live inside my body while I risked my life to steal back your shapely corpse, all the while having to endure Gabrielle whining and crying 24 hours a day about, ‘How much she misses Xena!’” — They bring this up all the time with Autolycus. Even in the last episode.

2) X: “Are you quite finished?!” Autolycus: “That depends. Did it work?” X: “It worked.” Autolycus: “Then I’m finished." — Hhahaaha

3) Ezra: “Myopia, I’ve heard of you. They say you used to be good-lookin’. Huh. [Whispers to G] Plan beta, I saw the furnace belching smoke and knew we had to come right a- are you paying attention to me? This is part of his way. [Aloud] So! Where are you hiding that statue?” — This is the scene I conveyed to Jasmine.

4) Autolycus: “What else would you expect from the king of thieves?” X: “Oh, Thebes. I’ve been there.” — It only took three seasons before someone wrote this joke.

5) Ezra: “Hold everything! The party starts here! Ha-ha-ha! Make yourself scarce, Dummy.” — I live for Xena giving herself permission to belittle Autolycus.

6) Tarsus: “I am obligated to tell you that a well-known Silosian general is on his way here to make a bid.” Ezra: “Really? Is he good-lookin’?” Tarsus: “Look, if you have the money here by morning, I’m sure he can’t top your offer.” Ezra: “Oh, it’ll be here. So, tell me more about this naughty general?” — This is hilarious. And let it be known that when Xena is undercover, trying to fit in, she's straight.

7) X: [Beats the shit out of guards] “I just couldn’t begin to think how to do that his way." — A lot of these jokes were low on the radar, but fucking hilarious. I think the whole storyline of Xena being unable to tone down her aggression to align more with Autolycus' catlike grace is easy to miss.

I don't know about you, but I think a solid gold statue deserves the Solid Gold Dancers:

Here is an awesome video of optical illusions:

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 19: "Tsunami"

I actually very much enjoy this episode. It's unique because of its situational, dark and dire setting. I totally remember it.

For the time, the special effects on this were awesome. I’m not kidding, I rewound the tsunami scene a few times. Here, in 2016. It was intense, dawg! In my review I noted the special effects and wondered how accurate that tidal wave was. I've since watched several unbelievable videos of the tsunami that happened in Japan in 2011. The closer the tidal wave gets to land, the more it falls like a wave. Xena and Gabrielle weren't too far from land, as it happened, so I determined the episode was on the mark with its tidal wave presentation. The waves do really fall like that. (At the bottom of this review, I've posted two tsunami videos from 2011, where you can see tidal waves.)

I have to elaborate on my "hated" section. Sorry, I'm going to punch holes in all of this, even though I liked this episode.

1) Like, seriously, why didn’t Xena just kill Macon?.. I don't understand it. She went out of her way to keep him alive, even when he tried to kill people, including Gabrielle. When has that ever been her MO? She acted toward Macon the way our government right now is acting toward Trump and Russia. When do you decide, "him or us?"

2) Petrodes was over the top and awful. You can tell he’s like a stage actor.

3) I didn't buy Xena helping other people before she found Gabrielle after they got hit by the tsunami. While Xena dealt with Thadeus, Gabrielle could've been drowning under a box or something. Bad writing.

4) In how many episodes is Gabrielle going to be taken hostage by knife or rope? God dammit. It seems like it's happened in every single episode. It's lost its seriousness.

5) Again, when the rocks come up through the boat, the boat was tilted at like 160 degrees. They should've been floating in water weighted on one side of the room.

Reading about Mount Etna is also interesting. About 8,000 years ago, part of Etna really did collapse and cause a huge tsunami. Scientists suspect a whole village was abandoned because of it. I think Xena based this episode off of that event.

Also, extra side note to any concerned, I just found out that Atropaic eyes painted on the side of a trireme (ancient boat, like the in this ep) were supposed to ward off bad luck. That's why we keep seeing that. I had no idea!

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

 
CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRAS:

1) Palm reader: “Perhaps, I misread.” X: “Perhaps. Sorry. Your dinar.” — Love the shit out of this simple joke.

2) X: “If you buy into that kind of thing. Look, your future is less in your palm than in your own two hands. It’s what you make of it.” — Just a quick lesson before the storm.

3) Things Macon says that'll piss you off:

“I got somethin’ you can look at. Betcha’d like it, too."
“Well, whaddya know?! The bitch has bite, after all!”

— Every Trump supporter right now.

4) X: “That’s no rain cloud.” Captain: “She’s right. It’s ash.” X: “The air is full of it. Look at the sea.” — Love the way Xena says this. 

5) Captain: “The water ‘round here’s full of reefs and geysers. But with any luck, we can ride the current away from here.” X: “Do it.” — Love the way Xena says, do it, but she and the captain know at this point that they're fucked.

6) X: “Must be the air that’s trapped in one of the cabins that’s keeping us buoyant, but it won’t last forever.” — Such as the one they're in? I got problems with this episode, you guys!!

7) G: “What are we going to do?” — A question I’ve been asking my friends since November 8th.

8) Macon calls everyone, “Bunch a’ losers!” — I believe Hillary Clinton says these same words while she's impersonating Donald Trump on SNL, and it's hilarious, but it is too frickin' soon to even look at that footage, let alone post it. 

9) X: "Feel the water here.” G: “It’s warm.” X: “The geyser’s on this side of the ship.” — Come on..

10) X: “Whatever you’re hiding from, turn around and face it. I know you can do it. You have to.” Petrodes: “I can’t swim!” — I am seriously a strong advocate for swimming. Love that they brought this up, but Petrodes, when they escape, suddenly knows how to swim.

11) Soraya: “No buts! We’re having a baby, and that’s that." — Uegh! Soraya, shut up. Please!

12) G: “He doesn’t get it, does he?” X: “Not a clue.” — They could easily be talking about PEOTUS.

13) Groaning boat noises were good. I hate to cite Titanic, but that's what’s happening here, and no I'm not posting a video of it.

14) Remember when Macon took that vote? That's how our election should’ve turned out.

15) I was truly surprised no one died.

Here is a video from 2011 that shows tidal waves at the beginning of the footage. (These videos are really hard to watch. Definitely not for the faint of heart.) There are no deaths on camera in these videos. But according to CNN just three weeks ago, the combined total of confirmed dead or missing from the tsunami in Japan was around 22,000.

The second video is longer and more detailed Japanese tsunami footage, but it shows all of the tidal waves captured on film. All the way from 2:15 'til about 11:00.

I wasn't a die-hard fan of Blind Melon, but Petrodes looks like the lead singer. The lead singer passed away in the 90's. Man, this is a depressing review. Sorry!

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 18: "Fins, Femmes and Gems"

OH MY GOD, I fuckin' love this episode... No, it was not the shitty one I thought it was gonna be (that one's still to come, unfortunately.)

First of all, Gabrielle and Xena are just beautiful in this. Seriously, I was drooling over both of them the whole episode. Their skin was glowing. Almost all of it takes place outside. And, I think it is so fucking cute that Gabrielle and Xena were still so into each other, even though they were both dealing with their own obsessions that weren't each other. They simultaneously loved their obsessions but still consciously wanted to be around each other.

The only serious moment came when Xena relives memories of fishing with Lyceus. Someone put a lot of thought into that tiny scene and it showed. The young versions even look like them. The fade from young Xena's face to adult Xena moved me beyond the village gates. That shit worked, man, and it was only about a minute.

Xena has this HUGE obsession with fishing. It’s the most elaborate obsession of all three, and it’s so fucking funny. Aphrodite, remember, gave Xena a double dose of the potion, so it makes sense. Xena's obsession with fishing is so strong, that while she's whistling and fishing, she hears Gabrielle call her name for help, nonchalantly acknowledges it, then carries on.

And I was so all about Xena tricking and manipulating vain Gabrielle to get her to help her fish. God, it was funny. I LOL'ed. Just Gabrielle parrying anything that Xena said with a compliment about herself, and Xena then playing on that in order to get what she wanted. This episode is so fucking good.

A masterful delivery by all three actors. Everyone was so fucking funny with their obsessions. I just enjoyed the shit out of this. It was seriously so hard not to quote the entire episode. I actually quoted most of it and had to force myself to pare-down.

Joxer is actually very funny in this episode too; he’s just so overshadowed by Xena and Gabrielle. But like him wearing that dress? That's funny. Also funny was the scene with the bad guys telling a joke on their way down the trail around the canyon. I would've put that in the review, but I needed the space for more important stuff, like fisting. I can’t believe they talked about fisting. That's so fucking racy and just shocking. Imagine the family discussing fisting on Everybody Loves Raymond.

In conclusion, Xena made the Pisces constellation. (She also invented kites, as we know from “A Day in the Life.”) The end was so beautiful. Just the idea of it: two lovers under the stars looking at a freaking constellation that one of them just made, while flirting with each other.

The whole Xena crew is really laying it on thick lately.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) G: “That’s the story of Atus the Ape-man and the Princess Gaia. Hmm. It’s a beautiful love story.” — This is really sweet, actually, the way Gabrielle is talking to Joxer.

2) G looking at sexual statue: “That’s not humanly possible.” X: “Sure it is.” — Oh my god, this is so funny. Hahha

3) X: “Who knows what stupid thing Aphrodite would want him to do with it?” Aph: “Nice! Double dose for you, Warrior Babe.” X: “Hmm, a walleye.” Aph: “Big mistake. You’re never getting that smell off your hands now.” — Oh my god, is that a sexual joke? ..Also, can we talk about how funny it is that Xena points out that that fish is a walleye?

4) J: “Mmm. bug.” G: “That is so disgusting. Xena, he’s been acting very strange. I don’t think we should be seen in public with him.” — Haha. Gabrielle is so obsessed with herself, she can’t see that Joxer is cursed. Xena sees it, because she's not self-obsessed or an animal.

5) G: “What are you obsessed with?” X: “Well, that’s the good news. I haven’t been affected by the spell, so I can still take care of business. So, let’s fish.” — Variants of this one joke was told a few different times, and I never got tired of it.

6) G: “I still don’t see why we didn’t bring Argo. I’m getting callouses. Perfect callouses.” — Haha! To hear ROC deliver these lines with the even-handedness of Gabrielle’s character is too fucking much.

7) X: “I let Argo roam free for a while. I need to concentrate totally on the mission at hand.” — AKA, we don’t need the horse for this episode, but people will wonder, so we're sliding an explanation into the dialogue.

8) X: “You remember the mystic diamond?” G: “Mm-hmm.” X: “Well, Aphrodite thinks that what’s happened to you and to Joxer is gonna make me forget about it, but no!” — Hhahahaha See what I mean?!

9) X: “This is gonna be the best thing of your young lives! Come on, Gabrielle, let’s get wet! Come on, Gabrielle! Get your gear off!” — Hahaaha. Oh my GOD.

10) G: “No, I’m sorry Joxer. I take off my clothes, I could kill you. Beauty can do that… Did I just say that?” — Love the way ROC says this.

11) G: “Why would I want to do that?” X: “Because it’s fun!” G: “Right, ramming my fist down the throat of an innocent, little fish. It’s not my idea of fun.” X: “Well, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!” — I mean, I am sitting here in utter shock. I can NOT believe they were talking about this on TV in 1998.

12) G: “She wants me to fist a fish? I can barely say it, much less do it.” — This dialogue is real. This happened.

13) G: “I was trying to kiss my reflection in the water. I couldn’t resist it. I leaned over, and I tried to press my lips-” X: “And you fell in… Any fish down there?” — A fat-ass thumbs up to this joke.

14) G: “Hmm. Do you ever get the feeling that we’re forgetting something really important?” X: “That diamond thing.” G: “The diamond.” X: “Yeah, you see, your obsession keeps you from remembering very important things.” G: “My obsession?” X: “You can’t see the fish for the lake. We only have a very limited time to get the mystic diamond back. Remember that.” G: “So, what do you wanna do, track these guys down?” X: “Before we catch Solaris? Are you outta your mind?” — If the whole episode were failed jokes, except for this one piece of dialogue, it alone would make up for the rest of it.

15) X: “Higher.” G: “This OK?” X: “Gabrielle, higher, please.. For cryin’ out loud.” — At this point in the show, I couldn’t handle much more. When Xena says, for cryin out loud, I fell apart. The writers know the characters well, and that line was so Xena.

16) X: “What are you doing?” G: “Oh, I’m just highlighting perfection with some berry juice.” X: “Yeah, looks good on you. Only, they’re not berries; they’re crushed bugs I was using for bait.” — Once the momentum began at the beginning of this episode, it never stopped. This is fucking hilarious and so disgusting.

17) X: “You go, Gabrielle! You’re beautiful when you’re angry.” — Hhahaha, that's so fucked up.

18) X: "There is something about yourself that you’re not satisfied with.” G: “Other than the fact that no one gives me credit for anything, and everyone thinks I’m a silly sidekick?" — WOAH.

19) G: “It's a good thing that you figured out all that insight stuff, Xena. Who knows how long we'd be under that spell?” X: “I couldn't have done it without you. The only reason I do any good at all in this world is because I do it with you. You make an important contribution every day. I’m gonna make sure that people know that from now on.” G: “You don't have to do that, but it's nice to be reminded that you feel that way. Hmm.” — This is so so sweet. The way Gabrielle says the last bit to Xena, seems like she’s saying it to a shy admirer. They adore one another, and you can plainly see it here.

G sings: “Well, listen to my story about Gabrielle. A cute little gal that’s lookin’ really swell. Perfect hair, such a lovely lass. Nice round breasts and a firm young-” — This is sung to the theme song of The Beverly Hillbillies:

I swear to god, I heard a mouth harp while Xena was talking to Joxer. I frickin love the mouth harp. I'm pretty sure I posted an example of it in the past, but here it is again, just because I love it so much:

This episode reminds me of a Geico commercial that recently made its way around, which I admit is kind of funny. I cannot believe I'm doing this, because I fucking hate commercials, but here it is:

Gabrielle tells a joke about her legendary name as a magnificent person. One of the names she makes up is Gabrielle and the Four Seasons. She's referring to Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Someone on Xena must be a fan!

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 17: "Forget Me Not"

It's a recap episode! (Aka: "clips show") God, this is perfect for me, who can barely remember the episodes I’ve already rewatched this season. I really needed it. I should rewatch all episodes from this season, if not the whole series, but, there’s no time.
These clip shows are deep, I can't believe it. They always throw something really critical in there.

Recaps included:

1) The death of Hope
2) Gabrielle’s first kill
3) Gabrielle's recent kill of Crassus
4) Gabrielle’s betrayal of Xena in Chin
5) The climactic song in "Bitter Suite" reuniting them
6) Xena leaving Gabrielle to kill Ming Tien
7) Previously unseen agreement for Ares to zap Gabrielle to Chin

Gabrielle's old words to Xena at the dock telling her “you would just throw away these last few years?” I have never thought about it before, but this is like Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts going out with each other in plain sight. Gabrielle was saying it with regard to her and Xena's relationship; not all the good Xena had been doing, which is the way we all took it when we saw it in "The Debt: Part 2." And that makes way more sense, because Xena had already killed people during their journeys. I remember wondering why it was suddenly such a big deal to Gabrielle. But now we know why. She was hurt and mad at Xena! I would've been, too.

One thing that happened on the DL that I've never seen before, was that we see Gabrielle really hurt after Xena leaves her to go to Chin and Ares appears. She can barely even talk, and can't we all relate to that right after we've been dumped? That was so interesting. She just got really quiet. That whole scene was poignant and intense. Gabrielle appeared really fragile, to the point that Ares seemed to notice and sympathize.

My favorite thing about the deal Gabrielle and Ares made is that Gabrielle now owes Ares a favor. This is obviously to set up some future conflict that is about to happen, but I can't wait to see (and remember) what it is. I love conflict in stories.

It seemed like a last-ditch effort to explain how Gabrielle got to Chin so quickly. Wouldn't they have had that discussion right after Chin? “How the hell did you get there so fast? I was so surprised to see you! I couldn't wrap my mind around it. How did you even get there? I thought I took the fastest way!” You know, that kind of thing. But this did clear it up.

Some have said that this is an extra episode in The Rift series. I think I have to agree. I mean, it was all recaps of rift episodes. It's a summary of them. And basically what we find out is that all that shit happened, because Gabrielle, for some reason, couldn't tell Xena how she felt and Xena couldn't deal with own feelings.

I almost want to give this a seven and I still might. It was such a good recap episode, but I can't imagine giving a recap episode a seven. I'm tempted to even mark it as a favorite! I gotta think about it. There was another one "The Xena Scrolls," which was also good. Let me check what I did with it and get back to you.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

  CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW! 

EXTRAS:

1) Priest: “Ah. This one’s yours.” G: “You could open a pottery shop.” — No matter how fast and furiously the shit hits the fan, Gabrielle just can't turn off the jokes!

2) Priestess: “She is on her journey, Joxer. That Gabrielle is just an empty shell, with no realization of her past.” J: “Get away from her. How’d you know my name?” Priestess: “I have your memories. Ow.” J: “Whatever." — This was so funny, I didn't see it coming. Just so many jokes about and delivered by Joxer that I cherished in this episode.

3) Priestess: “If you love her, allow her the chance to lose the pain she carries. It’s in her memory.” J: “Yeah? Well, I can make her forget. I’m a very forgettable person.” — See?? Haha!

4) Ares: “You don’t know? Oh, yeah, the memory thing, right? Got a problem up here? Bad thoughts keeping you up nights? Believe it or not, I’m here to protect you.” — I loved his delivery of the line, "Got a problem up here?" I enjoy Kevin Smith as an actor immensely.

5) G: “The last one took me by surprise, but I’m ready for this.” Ares: “I hope so. This river runs deep.” — Good writing.

6) Amnesia G: “It’s very strange. With every story you tell me, this thing I’m wearing gets smaller. Is it enchanted?” — Can't tell if this is a nod to the fact that it is getting smaller or that Joxer is sexualizing her in the stories. Or both. The episodes are, after all, her accounts.

7) Amnesia G: “Are you going to sing that ‘Jerks-' that-‘Joxer the Mighty’ song, again? I like that song.” J: “Are you kiddin’ me? You hate it.” Amnesia G: “I do?” J: “No, uh, you love it." — God, Joxer is so fucking funny in this.

8) Joxer: “This is the story of Callisto.” Forgotten G: “Callisto?” J: “Yeah.” Forgotten G: “Do I like her?” J: “No, but, uh, I want you to hear when we first met." — See, this is so fucking cute.

9) Joxer reading Callisto: “'He called himself, “Joxer,” a warrior.' Huh. Well-termed phrase, I must say. ‘But a warrior like no other. So inept, so clumsy, s-’ uh 'so cleverly disguised as a bumbler, that, uh, no one suspected his true warrior nature.” — This is so funny, and while he's reading this, he turns the scroll away from Gabrielle so she can't read it. So good.

10) Ares: “Is it all worth it? Is the quest for knowledge worth all this pain?” G: “Yes. It has to be. Otherwise, what’s the point of living?” — Money shot.

11) G: “It was worth it.” Ares: “Then why are you still here? Answer me.” — The way Ares says, answer me, and the fact he even says it at all, feels like the resolution end of a lovers dispute. It's so profound, I can't rap my head around it; all I can do is love that he said it.

12) Ares: “There is no point to living. Don’t you get it, Gabrielle? Maybe, that’s the source of all your pain, all you’ve been through with Xena, all she’s put you through. Maybe, you finally realized it all adds up to a big, fat zero.” — This episode is to intense... And I can't imagine him talking to her like this about a person who was just a friend. This is blatant, "She is the one you love," talk.

The River of Woe was pretty bad, true. But not half as bad as the Tree of Woe in Conan The Barbarian:

Gabrielle burning in the last river, reminds me of Linda Hamilton burning in the apocalypse scene in Terminator 2. ...Actually, this scene is so amazing and Linda H is so amazing in this role and movie, that I strongly encourage watching Terminator 2 before watching this clip.

 

Also, some news! I just heard about this new Xena comic book series that started a few months back. I think they're up to six or seven issues now, but I managed to snag the first three today at my local comic book store. I am a big fan of the cover artist, Jenny Frison. She has a unique style and doesn't do covers for just anyone. So far, she's done a cover for every single issue of this series, which says a lot. I am such a comic book whore, but I don't usually buy Dynamite comics. I do only buy comics that I've heard are good, and this particular Xena series (there are more than one) I hear is pretty good. I'll read them and let you know. Here are issues #1 and #2 with covers by Jenny Frison: 

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 16: "When in Rome..."

This episode was good. I almost gave it six stars, but I think there was room for improvement. It would've been better, if the director had capitalized on important moments, instead of rushing through them like afterthoughts. This was actually a loaded episode, information-wise.

I could've used more weight in the moments where Gabrielle and Xena talked, especially re: Gabrielle killing someone. They felt rushed and even phoned-in, which is unfortunate, as these are the most serious circumstances since "The Bitter Suite" and "One Against an Army." I mean, for gods' sake, Gabrielle decided that someone should die. That's huge. And here's Xena at the end, acknowledging, offhandedly, that it's only going to be more of the same, and that Gabrielle is the most important thing to her. 

Also, like "King Con," little was clear. Like, perhaps it's because I'm sick with the flu, but I got so confused. Was Xena really going to kill Caesar, or was she just posturing as part of her plan? Maybe she needed to get caught and was always going to keep her word to Gabrielle. Like was she counting on Pompey to give her that knife? I don't know, just as a regular viewer, I was confused, and that's never a good sign.

I love the historical references in Xena. In real life, Crassus was dead at this point, so "When in Rome..." is totally a "What if?" story, kind of like The Man in the High Castle... which feels dangerously familiar to our current situation and scares the shit out of me. And I can't tell you how many times I've almost written "Trump" instead of "Caesar" today.

About this imperial ring; back in the day, high-ranking officers and government totally had these gold rings. Hannibal used to collect them from Roman officers and clergy as he beat them in battle. Depicted in this statue by Sébastien Slodtz, Hannibal counts an urn overflowing with the gold rings of his conquered.

A dependable episode by Steven Sears, but not his best.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

CLICK HERE for full page view.

  CLICK HERE FOR bigger VIEW!

EXTRAS:

1) G: “Triumvirate? What is that?” X: “Three warlord rulers instead of one.” Crassus: “Warlords! Far from it. It’s politics. It’s all about-” X: “Power. Nothing more. Caesar, Pompey, and Crassus share control of Rome and its provinces.” — See this is like today’s government: Trump, Bannon, and Manafort will share control of America and its states. Who's our Brutus?

2) G: “You’re wrong.” Crassus: “Am I? Have you ever seen Xena around him? Her judgment gets a little impaired and others suffer.” — Oh my god, has Gabrielle not seen Xena around Caesar?? Maybe I should rewatch everything from beginning to end.

3) Caesar: “I’ve already planned a little party for this evening to show off Vercinix. I’d like you to accompany me without your weapons, of course.” — Why does Xena have to go with him? Plot device.

4) G: “Do your soldiers have something against murdering innocent people?” Crassus: “Innocent? There are no innocents on a battlefield.” — Tell that to the civilians in Syria.

5) Caesar: “Prison hardly seems the place to tell you this, but you look incredible. Roman finery becomes you.” — Hahahaha

6) JC: “It’s never just business between us, Xena. It’s hatred, war, conflict and it’s love.” X: “I gotta go to the bathroom. Are we done yet?” — The old Xena wouldn't have been able to do this. GREAT.

7) X: “You need to be in place before the games begin. If I’m right, the execution will be the finale.” G: “I wanna talk about this.” — It's very gay, the way she says this and puts her hand on Xena’s arm here. Very relationshippy.

8) Pompey about Caesar to Xena: “It’s (Gabrielle) he wants. He seems to think she has some sort of power over you. He wants that power.” — Very telling. It makes Gabrielle the most important person in the known world.

9) X: “How many more times are you gonna follow me into battle, huh? How many more times am I gonna hurt you? You are the most dear thing to me in all the world. And yet, instead of protecting you-” G: “I’m here, because I want to be here. I love you, Xena.” X: “I love you too, Gabrielle.”

 Here is Caesars Palace now. Does it remind you of anything?

Seriously that Syrian guard looked like the gorgeous Don Draper from Mad Men.

My ode to Crassus falling down the stairs:

Also now that I'm thinking about it, have you fucking SEEN The Man in the High Castle? Have you even seen an ad for it? Here ya go: 

Nothing's wrong at all!

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