Xena: Season 3, Episode 15: "King Con"

"King Con"

Now that it’s been years since I first watched the whole series (and this season onward) all the way through (seriously, nearly seven years, which I can't believe), I have forgotten, I think, what all the episodes are about, which is actually kind of a blessing. This way I can be surprised all over again.

To begin, I must state that this episode is about Donald Trump. Every movie, song, and TV show right now is about Donald Trump and the election.

So this makes two episodes in where Xena has fanned the flames of Gabrielle's jealousy. I actually don't think she was jealous in this ep, but maybe that by itself says something. She's not threatened by men, but she did seem threatened by Tara in "Forgiven."

Secondly, I’ve come to the conclusion that almost any episode that doesn’t focus on Xena and Gabrielle’s relationship is a shallow waste. Focus on one-episode characters is also a waste and a distraction. Somehow, I think this ties in with why I don't like going to parties.

This episode also seems like a nod to the 1994 movie Maverick, especially the final card game. But that movie did admit one thing, that gambling is all about luck. I found it very hard to keep up with this episode, because they were banking most of their cons on whether or not Xena gambled well. Unless she can see into the future, which the episode didn't allude to, then there was no "skill" involved here. None of actual gambling is a skill. Not dice-rolling, not a single hand of cards. Poker faces and knowing when to hold your bets, yes, but that didn't come up. What the fuck.

Did ROC really sprain her ankle? Kinda weird... Was this episode supposed to come after "One Against an Army"? That would make more sense. I have two friends right now with hurt feet, and they can’t do a gd thing, much less fight people.

FYI, before we move onto the review, I would like to state that I have the flu. Please proceed.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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 EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: “Where’d you get that sword?” Rafe: “Oh, actually, they say I take after my father in that respect.” — Not humor that I can appreciate right now. Get back to me in 2020.

2) G to X: “These the guys who conned him?” — Sounds like she said condom...

3) Rafe: “Nice come-out. You’ve done this before.” X: “It’s been a while.” Rafe: “Well, that’s too bad, a waste of talent.” X: “I have many skills, most of which I use against people like you.” — Usually, I'd be all about her many skills, but I couldn't get past my confusion over what she meant exactly to fully appreciate it this time. She's talking about rolling dice. Maybe if the camera showed her placing the dice a certain way in her palm, and then she threw calculatedly and they landed the way she planned (I have a similar trick I do where I toss my iphone and catch it perfectly faced and centered. I have to start with it upside down and facing away from me.)

4) X: “Thanks. I’ll tell you what I believe. I believe that you bet your buddy that you could score with me, and that this whole line of bull is just you trying to win a bet that you can only lose.” — I love Xena. So smart. Wish this had been the end of it.

5) X: “Lucky nine! Mama needs a new pair of sandals.” — Hahahaha!

6) Titus: “OK, who’s the wench?” — People ask this every time I go out with my friends.

7) G: “I didn’t say he was perfect. But you saw him with Joxer. And you have to admit, he’s smart, and he’s funny. He’s handsome-” X: “Arrogant and self-centered, and- ” G: “Your typical bad boy, just your type.” — As cute as this banter is, it’s hard to hear after "One Against an Army."

8) X-as-blonde: “Now watch. [puts the goods down the front of her dress] See how simple?” Leo: “For you. But I don’t happen to own a pair of those.” — Love the sincere delivery of this inadvertently cheap line from Leo.

9) G: “It’s my fault. I should’ve hog-tied him when he asked me to.” — That is fucking hilarious.

10) X: “What changed your mind about him, hmm?” G: “I don’t trust him, Xena. Like you said, he is a con man. A guy like that is always on the make." — Suddenly Gabrielle is jealous… Man, she just went through a jealousy episode. What the fuck.

11) X: “I don’t play safe.” — SWEET.

12) G: “Not now!” X: “Yes, now is the time.” — This line is said weird and I remember it from watching this ep for the first time in 2012.

Now here is the knife trick from Aliens (1986), as depicted in "King Con" administered by Xena. The look on Rafe's face during this trick, should have mirrored Bill Paxton's in this clip: 

 

The final card game from Maverick (1994), before it was known that Mel Gibson was a total fuckin asshole, is honored in "King Con": 

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 14: "Forgiven"

"Forgiven"

Some might call this the single most irritating episode of Xena: Warrior Princess, but I would like to refer you to exhibit A: "For Him the Bell Tolls." Also, "Forgiven" has a lot of important stuff in it, such as the line, "I sleep next to Xena." Do tell, Gabrielle. See, without annoying-as-fuck Tara, we never would've known that!

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) X: “You listen to me, little girl. I’ve got no interest in making a change. Blondie- Gabrielle, here, is my partner, and that’s the way it’s gonna stay. So, get lost, huh?”
— Frickin' hilarious.

2) X: “Look, this is not gonna work. I am sorry.” — Said every employer I ever had.

3) Tara to G: “Yeah. I’m sorry I gave you such a whipping back there in the tavern. I shouldn’t have kicked your butt like that.” X: “All right, you made your point.” — Hahahha

4) Tara: “You’re gonna die, Lark, unless you start singing.” X: “Tara, shut up! Where’s the urn?” Lark: “It, it- it- it isn’t here.” Tara: “May you rest in peace.” — She sounds like a total valley girl.

5) Tara: “All right- fine. As long as I know the rules. It’s OK to knock ‘em out after you put the pinch on ‘em, but no smacking them after it. I got it.”

6) G: “She didn’t listen to you. You let her get away with that?” — This is how I feel about Donald Trump and the Republicans right now. Where is Xena?

7) G: “Xena, if you can say with a straight face that you believe in her, that’ll go a long way with a confused kid like that. It did with me. It’s easier to believe in yourself after someone else has believed in you first.” — The theme, and I totally agree with this on all levels.

8) Tara: “This doing good thing, how do you know what’s really good and what’s not? I mean, those boys from the gang, they think they’re good. How do you really know?” X: “It’s not always that simple. I usually go with my gut. And when in doubt, I ask her.” Tara: “No, She would know?” X: “Not always, but I know that her first instinct is usually an unselfish one, and that’s a really good place to start.” Tara: “Do you think she was born good? I mean, my father always told me that I was bad from day one.” X: “That is not true. You are what you do. You can re-create yourself every second of your life.” — This whole dialogue is great. Like really, really great.

9) X: “You know what is bad?" Tara: “What?” X: “Keeping me awake when I’m tired.”
— All my friends to me all the time.  

10) G: “Xena? Can I talk to you for a minute?” X: “Yeah.” G: “I’m gonna kill her. I’m gonna rip out her throat. I’m going to eat her eyeballs.” — That's fucked up.

11) G: “Thanks to me? Tara, you’re not only obnoxious, you’re deluded.” Tara: “I don’t know what that means, but you better take it back, right now!” — Every Trump supporter to every liberal.

12) X: “A very wise friend of mine once said that no one can believe in herself unless someone else believes in her first.” Tara: “You two are such suckers!” — For each other, whaaaaat?

Tara’s fucking crazy hair reminds me of Jane Child and her one hit, "Don't Wanna Fall in Love":

Tara said, “I’m bad. I'm really really bad.” You know who else is bad? Michael Jackson:

The scene, where our trio are saying goodnight to each other and Tara says good night even to Argo, is a reference to the Waltons, a show about a family who famously ended each episode by saying goodnight to each other.

Tara biting Gabrielle's ear is a clear reference to Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield, during which Tyson bit off a part of Holyfield's ear during a boxing match in 1997, a few months before this episode aired in 1998.

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Xena: Season 3, Episode 13: "One Against an Army"

"One Against an Army"

Yes, this is my first review in a long time, even though I originally reviewed this episode in 2015. No, I have nothing more to say about that. 19 days ago, I think I would've said more, but after the election of Donald Trump... Things have changed, haven't they??

These episodes might one day be more important than ever. It could be seen a miracle that they ever got made in the first place. One day in the not too distant future, people will be buying Xena on bootleg in the underground market.

This episode, in particular, is inCREDible. You know it, I know it, Kellyanne Conway knows it. So let's make haste and get into this shit.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRAS:

1) Three = how many times Xena tries to abandon Athens to save Gabrielle and how many times Xena bars the door. I love her barring the door, btw.

2) Note: I didn't know a marathon was 26.2 miles until about four years ago. Before that, I called all runs, no matter the distance, “marathons.”

3) When Xena realizes Gabrielle is telling her exactly what she told her when they met, that shit was sad as kitties. And kind of shocking. Gabrielle has grown so much.

4) Gabrielle apologizes to Xena about Chin. What about killing each others kids? Someone’s episodes are out of order. Great placement though; it shows they’re back in emotional cahoots.

5) I love the fight scene. The peak of it is convincing and amazing to watch. Xena fights and fights and fights. At the peak of it, it's urgent and desperate.

6) How many times have we seen the sites that are Tripolis and the armory? In how many episodes?

7) I am going to point out a mistake. Or not really a mistake, but rather a malfunction. When Xena is in burnt Tripolis, looking through the doctors office for the antidote, she goes to a weird basket with little compartments on top. She completely rips off one of the compartments on accident, meaning to remove just its lid.

8) Boiling tar is brutal. I'm trying to remember a movie where I've seen it before. I know there must be a bunch.

9) X: “Gabrielle, before I tried the flip without the staff, I made 300 attempts with it.” G: "Slow learner, huh, Xena? I had that problem with basketweaving.” — Hahahaa

10) X: "I'm not gonna tell ya that you shouldn't have tried that flip.” G: "You'll work it in.” — The writing in this is superb, as is the delivery. Great episode for ROC.

11) X: "The pass at Thermopylae, that’s the answer.” G: "What's the question?” - So deep, Gabrielle.

12) X: "I don't give up my heart to just anyone. You've been following us for the last half an hour. All that time for this move?” - Xena: the best put-down in the west.

13) Dorian: "I am a Spartan! I fought at Marathon! When my commander saw we were
losing, he sent me to find a fall-back position! Unfortunately, my horse came up lame, and I had to kill him.” G to X: "Don't get any ideas." — ...

14) Dorian: "Spartans don't run.” X: "Oh, I know. They fight to the death. Not a nick on it. You're a deserter, aren’t you?” Dorian: "No-no-no-no- I, s-I swear, on my father's life!” X: "Oh, a coward and a liar. Your father must be proud.” — God dammit.

15) Dorian: "This is my fault. My fault!” X: "Go and do something useful! Make a fire!” - Aaah, shit! Some of my favorite parts of this episode are Xena’s utter disregard for Dorian.

16) G: "Xena, in case this poison starts spreading faster, I do have a last request.” X: "You can tell me about it later, years from now, when we’re old and gray.” G: "Oh. That's funny.” — Again, I love Gabrielle’s delivery in this episode.

17) X: "What are you doing sitting up?” G: "I was just uncomfortable on my back.” — Love this banal exchange.

18) G: "The Persians are out there, aren't they?” X: “Yes." G: "How many campfires?” X: "30 or 40.” G: "10 men or so per fire. That's good. For a minute there, I thought we were in trouble.” — Perfect. It's a good joke, but delivered seriously enough that you feel the hopelessness.

19) G: "I guess I'm gonna miss out on all the fun, huh? You know, it’s occurred to me that this is just a clever diversion, to make me forget about my boots.” — I didn't keep track, but I believe there are like three or four jokes about Gabrielle's boots. I cherish them all.

20) G: "That doesn't look like a weapon.” X: "It's not. It's a litter. I'm putting you on it and getting you outta here.” G: "Why? Did the Persians pull back? Xena, you can't do this. You can’t leave, not if they're still out there. You're the only one.” X: "Gabrielle, quiet!” — Love Gabrielle’s delivery. She makes this episode.

21) G: "The first thing is the greater good. You taught me that. You taught me that there are things in life worth dying for, things that hold a higher meaning than our own existence.” X: "Not your existence.” G: "Why? 'Cause I'm your friend?” X: “Yes!" G: "Well then, honor my memory. We both know that I'm right. This is right. Xena, promise me. Promise me that you will not leave this battle because of me.” — This is amazing. Xena did two huge things here. She continued to save and honor Gabrielle AND she fought and beat an entire army. Xena is defenseless against Gabrielle.

22) G: "Help me.” X: "Hey. Hey. I'm here.” G: “Xena." X: “Yes?" X: "You've got to take me with you, teach me everything you know. You can't leave me here in Poteidaia. I wanna go with you. I've studied the stars, spoken with philosophers, and I have the gift of prophecy. I can be very valuable to you. Take me with you. I want so much to be like you.” X: "And I want to be like you." — We all know, this is what Gabrielle said to Xena when they first met. I admit, this touched me. It was heavy.

23) X: "There has got to be another way! I'm going to get us out of this.” G: "It's too late for me.” X: "I don't accept defeat. There are always choices.” — This is so great. I love Xena, love the way she thinks. And she ends up TOTALLY figuring it out.

24) X: “I'm done paying for my past mistakes. My responsibility now is you.” G: “Don't." X: "Don't argue with me now.” G: "Don't you argue with me!” — This is so fucking tender.

25) G: “I know that I'm going to die, I accept that. Why can’t you? A long time ago, I accepted the consequences of our life together, that it might one day come to this. It has. I'm not afraid.” X: "You always said that I was the brave one. Look at you now. If this is to be our destiny, let's see it out together. Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you.” — This is so gay. That's all I can think, "They're gay."

26) X to Argo: "Hey. Hey. I want you to run away from here. You run as far as you can. Don't you stop for any stallions. Go on!” — Um, this is hilarious. If it weren’t such an intense, sad moment, I would have laughed. HARD. hahaha, don’t stop for any stallions!

27) G: "No, please, don't, don't bother with that. I can't fight. I can’t be of any help to
you, so please. I'm just distracting you.” X: "But you're my source, Gabrielle. When I reach down inside myself and do things that I'm not capable of, it's because of you.” — This is exactly the way I feel about the one I love and no one else. I have said this many times, actually. I am the person I aspire to be when I am in a relationship, and it’s because of the one I’m with. Xena is saying that to Gabrielle.

28) X: "I'm gonna put the boiling oil over by the ladder. The minute they start up, you tip it. Just, push it on them.” — I fucking love this line. Probably my favorite line in the whole episode. G: You'll be down there.” X: "If they're coming up the ladder, then it means they got past me. If they got past me, well..” — The writing is awesome.

29) X: "Gabrielle, that's all in the past. All I want is to be with you right now.” — Also shit I’ve said only the one I love. Verbatim.

30) X: “You’re my best friend, my family. I love you, Gabrielle.” G: "I love you, Xena.” X: "Till the other side, then. We'll be together.” G: "Till then.” X: "They're coming.” — That shit is gay. G.A.Y. This is just the gayest thing I've ever heard. All of it.. I fucking love this show.

31) Sweet fuckin’ Poltergeist shot (vertigo effect) at 34:38. The first time I remember seeing this effect was in the original movie Poltergeist: Endless Hallway Scene. I also referenced Poltergeist in the last episode. Robert Tapert's influences showing through?

 

Because Gabrielle and Xena were talking about seeing each other on the "other side," I present, "The Other Side" by the Scissor Sisters. This song is gorgeous, and I've long-thought that it was about two gay people:

This is a nod to Gabrielle and her wanting to get new shoes. Also, November 28th, 2016 marks 10 years since I first moved to New York City. My first or second day here, someone showed me this video:

 

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