Xena: Season 6, Episode 20: "Soul Possession"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

“My Best Friend’s Wedding to Ares” 

God this is gay. They’re just going full ball. I treasure it.  

This episode is fascinating. I went through so many emotions watching it. Like the last episode, I didn’t wanna laugh but couldn’t help myself. Xena kicking butt in those loafers sent me. It really did. That shot from Ares' POV of getting kicked in the face by Annie's loafers? They knew what they were doing, and it's funny, funny shit.  

 

Seeing the crucifixion clip from "Adventures in the Sin Trade II," I kinda lost my shit a little bit, realizing again how strong the "The Ides of March" storyline was. Like that vision is how Xena finds out Gabrielle's still alive, and that makes her happy? The fact they’re getting crucified later? Xena is so low and desperate then, that she's happy to see she and Gabrielle will die together later, because at least it means Gabrielle's alive. And the one detail that adds perfect depth to that vision is Gabrielle’s short hair. I love it so. Such a beautiful scene. 

Another clips episode? I don’t believe it. Though not many clips for a clips ep:

• "Sacrifice" x 2 
• “A Family Affair” 
• "Adventures in the Sin Trade II" 

This episode shocked me, because they really did leave an opening for this story in Season 4, when Xena finds Gabrielle and Gabrielle tells her that she doesn’t remember how she survived the fall into the lava pit. Surprisingly the plot isn't a reach, and it doesn't disturb the other episodes around it.  

My one plottish complaint is that Gabrielle would never have made a deal with Ares to save Hope. When she pulled Hope into the pit with her, she was done. She wanted Hope dead. She even later killed Hope unceremoniously in “A Family Affair.” I'm not buying this taco. If you're gonna throw it out, I'll eat it, but no money will exchange hands.

Finally, I’ll never get over how genius it is that the Xena episodes are Gabrielle’s scrolls.  

# of times someone speaks pig latin: 1 

# of times Annie’s lip quivers: 2 

# of times we see Hope and Gabrielle fall into the lava pit: 2 

# of times I latched onto a red herring, unbeknownst: 2 

# of times Xena sommersalt dives: 2 

# of times butts are mentioned: 5... 

# of times steely buns specifically are mentioned: 2 

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: “Wish me luck.” Joxer: “Good luck” – Poignant. Xena’s never asked Joxer for well wishes. It’s touching, because they reason they're together is because Gabrielle is gone and they both love her. 

2) Dr. Delaney: “A most revolutionary discovery has recently been made. I hold in my hand a newly uncovered scroll of the life of Xena Warrior Princess.” Xena Fan #1: “New scrolls means new episodes!” Xena Fan #2: “Yeah! Season 7!” Xena Fan #1: “Yeah! Season 7!” Xena Fan #2: “Yeah! Season 7!” Xena Fan #1: “Rob Tapert give us what we want! Deliver a new season, a 7th season of Xena!” – So, they were totally aware there was still a large demand. I would ask "why, god??" did they cancel this show, but I myself wasn't watching during this time. Guilt.

3) Barb Binder: “Barb Binder from Whoosh. As webmaster of the official Xena fansite I happen to know Xena would never subscribe to the subjugating regime of marriage.” – Hahahaha! What a hard wink.

4) X: “I had a vision.” Joxer: “Oh. You had a vision. She had a vision! You know, Xena, denial ain’t just a river in Europe.” X: “The Nile’s in Africa.”Joxer: “It’s that long?” – Xena correcting Joxer here is my life blood. And I thought this was a joke from The Jewel of the Nile (1985), but it may have been Al Franken as Stuart Smalley on SNL who made it popular. 

5) X: “All right, if you wanna sit here and drink yourself into oblivion, be my guest. But I’m going out to find our friend, you big drunk.”Joxer: “Hey, I’m not drunk. If I were drunk could I do that? [Balances beer stein on top of his helmet.]”X: “Evidently.” – Hahaha, the way Xena says this. HILARIOUS. 

6) Annie: “From my research, I have ascertained that it was indeed Joxer, who initiated the heroic search for Gabrielle and it was indeed he it was he who pulled Xena out of the drunken stupor.” Dr. Delaney: “No, that’s inaccurate, Miss Day. From my research on all the Xena scrolls, I can assure you that Joxer, never once flexed a heroic muscle.” – Damn, I didn't see this severe burn coming from the doctor.

7) Xena Fan #1: “Hey. Hey, how did you get over the horror of finding out you were that bumbling idiot, Joxer?” – Hahaha! I love how hard this show goes on just shitting all over Annie, probably because it's LL.  

8) Annie: “Hey, Joxer was no fool. The guy they got to play him was a goofball, that’s all. He was the producer’s brother, for crying out loud!” – Hahaha! And Whoa... 

9) Joxer: “‘As the innocent Gabrielle, plummeted to her fiery doom, Joxer the ultimate warrior watched in horror, his muscles bulging one after ano-’ [Xena rips the scroll out of his hands.]”X: “‘-and the light played on his steely, sun-kissed buttocks’?” – LOL 

10) X: “Joxer, Gabrielle is alive and you’re gonna help me find her whether you like it or not. Now, stay here. I’m gonna hit the ladies’.” Joxer: “Hey, why don’t you hit some kids, too?!” – Hahaahah! Hit the ladies'. Also pretty good follow-up joke from Joxer...I just noticed that Joxer is a play on Joker. Omg. OMG. 

11) X: “I despise you. You’ve been tormenting me for years." Ares: “That? That was just foreplay.” – This script is an A+.

12) Ares: “Xena, I’m on the level, here. I can’t get you outta my head or my heart.” X: “Let me help you with that. [Xena kicks him in the face.]” – There's nothing I enjoy more than the banter between these two. 

13) Ares: “You know, the harder you fight, the more enflamed my passion becomes. What do I have to do to show you I’m serious?” X: “Die.” – Hahaha 

14) Ares: “I know: a wedding gift. Say - Gabrielle.” X: “So, she is alive.” Ares: “Well, I won’t know 'til I start looking, and I’m not gonna start looking 'til I have a good reason. Come on, Xena. Becoming Mrs. God of War is a small price to pay to find her. You might even enjoy it. In fact, I know you will.” – I missed this, "Mrs. God of War." Holy shit, that's funny. Wish they'd let that joke breathe a little. Ares is suggesting his last name is God of War. That's so good. Also very deep that he claims she'll enjoy being the Goddess of War. She doesn't deny it even a little bit. LOVE this. He's always appealing to her dark side that will always be.

15) X: “You give me one reason to trust you.” Ares: “Well, that is true. I do have a reputation as something of a trickster." – Hahaha, trickster.

16) Xena Fan #2: “Yeah. Xena and Gabby don’t meet up until ‘A Family Affair.’ What kind of Brooklyn Bridge are you tryin’ to sell us today?” – I’ve said it once, I'll say it again: I don’t get this joke. 

17) G’s Voice: “Xena." X: “Gabrielle. Where are you, Gabrielle?” G’s Voice: “I’m in your heart, where you must keep me.” X: “Hmm.” G’s Voice/Joxer: "-And don’t bother looking for me, because I can’t be found. I’m gone. Um, just like in that one scroll that I wrote that time when I fought that guy with the big stick and - Just a minute, Xena - and if Joxer wants a drink- [Xena takes his megaphone and smashes it on his head.]” X: “Idiot.” – I love the shit out of this, because ROC totally read these lines the way Joxer would say them, if he really were trying to imitate Gabrielle. Very funny. I just picture everyone on set working this out.

18) X: “Ares? Ares, I have your [Ares appears] answer.” Ares: “You certainly took your sweet time.” X: “I was weighing-up the pros and cons. It wasn’t a very balanced list. The truth is, I just don’t think we’d look right together on top of a wedding cake.” Ares: “Just as long as you look right on top of me.” X: “Don’t get ahead of yourself.” Ares: “Xena, come on. What’s it gonna be?” X: “Ares, I would do anything to get my friend back. So, yes I’ll marry you.” – Two great jokes, and one moving proclamation. 

19) X: “I don’t want your assets, Ares, but I do have one small demand for our wedding day.”Ares: “Name it.” X: “I want the ceremony to take place at the lava pit.” – Weird, I want my ceremony to also take place at the lava pit.

20) Ares: “Where Gabrielle died? Kind of morbid, don’t you think?” X: “No, I think it’s fitting. I should be as close as possible to the one person in the world I meant to spend the rest of my life with, as I give myself over to the one person in the world I would never choose.” Ares: “I know what this is: pre-wedding jitters. All brides get ’em. OK, you can have your fairytale wedding, Xena. Well, I gotta go break it to the folks. Can you imagine? Zeus and Hera are gonna be your in-laws.” X: “Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse.” – I love that they just threw this in-laws joke in there. They covered all the wedding cliches. And they land.

21) Joxer: “Ares, show yourself! Ares, I, Joxer the Mighty, command you to show yourself!... Hey, jelly butt, get down here! Aah! [Ares appears and knocks Joxer over.]" Ares: "[Laughs] So tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.” Joxer: “Did I say ‘jelly butt’? I meant, uhh ‘buns of steel!’ – Ha 

22) Joxer: "It’s a good thing you showed up, too.” Ares: “Showed up? For what?” Jox: “Well this is your last night as a single god, right?” Ares: “What?” Joxer: “Your bachelor party, ya big lug. [Laughs] Tada! Miss Athens! Ahh, 36-24-36. She loves Greek mythology, kids, and hopes one day all men can be brothers. Next we have Miss Mesopotamia. Ahh, an oasis in the desert. Wouldn’t you like to take a little dip in that? Hmm? And finally, you’ll fall for Miss Gaul. Ahh, too much for the Roman Empire to handle, but not too much for the god of war.” Ares: “This is it?” Joxer: “Well, on short notice, you know how it is.” 

23) Meg: “Well, what happened to your other good friend Gabrielle?” Joxer: “Oh, her? Haven’t you heard? She’s dead.” Meg: “I’ll drink to that.” – Hahaha

24) Harry: “Annie.” Mattie: “We thought you might be here.” Annie: “Harry...and Harry’s hoe.” – I laughed very hard, here. Very hard.

25) Joxer: “If you’re gonna go through with this, you must really believe Gabrielle’s alive, huh?” X: “I do yes.” Joxer: “OK, then, so do I. Won’t need this anymore [Throws flask; it shatters.] I’m sorry I was such a downer.” – Love the way he says this.

26) Joxer: “Um, look, I know this is a marriage made in Hades, but I figure we don’t have to abandon every tradition, so here. Something old. It’s a lock of Gabrielle’s hair. It’s weird, I know. I got it when she got her hair cut last time and I want you to have it.” X: “I don’t know what to say.”Joxer: “And, um something new. I picked it this morning. First bloom of the season. Something borrowed. Something borrowed, I know, my lucky rabbit’s foot. I’m sure it will bring you more luck than the rabbit I chopped it off from.” X: “I guess we need something blue now, huh?”Joxer: “That’s easy. That’s me.” X: “Everything’s going to be fine, Joxer I promise.” – I'm not going to lie, that was moving. I, immovable, was moved.

27) Ares: “You are absolutely breathtaking.” X: “Yeah? Then how come you’re still breathing?” – Hahahaha, didn’t see this coming. Love the way she says it, too. Best joke in the episode.

28) Ares: “I let Gabrielle live, but you must be my wife in your next life. And I guess, seeing as how it was one of those in-front-of-the-Fates kind of deals, that would be forever? Eternity.” X: “And you would let Gabrielle and me live out this life in peace.” Ares: "OK, sounds like a deal. Because you know she’d do it for you.” – See, this is a quibble I have with the plot. Gabrielle already gave up her soul and life for Xena, when she pulled Hope into the pit. Why would she suddenly sell her soul to Ares to save Hope's soul, when she just purposefully tried to kill Hope? Shorry, shweethat, no cigar! 

29) Ares: “Thumbprint right here on the bottom line. Thank you. That didn’t hurt, did it? And there it is: my free-access pass to your soul. And as long as I have this you’re pretty much mine.” – Same words and contract I use when I loan my friends a book.

30) X: “Wait! The other half of the deal. I don’t see Gabrielle.” Ares: “Oh, I let her go but you gotta find her. I can’t do everything for you.” X: “Oh, I’ll find her.” – Yaayy!!

31) Ares: “First, second? What does it matter? It’s mine now.” Roxanne Fields: “Did you schedule any celebrity appearances?” Dr. Delaney: “Well, we contacted Bruce Campbell, but he was too much money.” – GOOD ONE.

32) Mattie: “Hold on, man.” Ares: “Oh! Sidekick and the comic relief. This ought to be good.” – Ha! I love Mattie’s hippie gambit. 

33) Ares: “Hey there. May I? [Dr. Delaney shakily hands Ares the license.] Thank you...Leave quickly.” Dr. Delaney: “[Runs away.] Ahhh! Help! Help me!” – Love the way Ares says this. He’s having the time of his life. 

34) Ares: “Xena! Just in time. I have been waiting an eternity for this. I guess this makes me your heh! Oo! Good god! Soul man. Once I renew my signature.” – OMG, is this a James Brown reference? Ares is quoting James Brown?? 

35) Ares: “Xena’s soul in that body for an eternity? This I did not bargain for. I want Xena’s soul in Xena’s body. All right! Everybody gets their proper souls back. [Ares switches Xena into Annie's body, and Joxer into Harry's body.] Let’s try that again. Now that I can live with forever. Hey, Sugar.” – I love that the show decided to do this. In "Déjà Vu All over Again," it was a cocktease and a bit cowardly BUT appreciated, when they gave Xena Joxer's body. I love that they went balls-out here.  

36) Xena as Annie [examining the marriage license]: “‘Sun-kissed butt-'” [She throws the scroll away, realizing it’s Joxer’s scroll not the license.] – Loooool 

37) Xena Fan #1: “Hey! What’s wrong with the special effects?” Xena Fan #2: “Yeah, they’re really cheesy.” – Loooooooooool 

38) Annie/X: “Ares made it. Ares destroyed it. Guess this means you ain’t got no soul. Ow!” Ares: “You might have won the battle, Xena, but I’ll win the war. Until next time.” – Another classic song reference! Man, Xena gives as good as she gets. 

39) “I liked you better blond, but I can go with this.” – This is so gay, thank you.

EXTRA LOVED:

• The fake people walking down the hill in the first shot
• Xena fans, always 
• Everyone’s Xena fan-wear and jewelry
• X dragging J, drunk, through the forest 
• X leaning back against the tree 
• X kicking Ares in the face in answer to his proposal 
• ROC obviously voicing J’s Gabrielle ghost voice 
• X calling J an idiot 
• A appearing, before X can even say “your answer” 
• A vanishing before Joxer
• A catching X before she falls into the lava
• X scowling at A 
• X crawling out of the water 
• X cleaning her ears w/J's scarf 
• A’s conference entrance 
• Harry doing the X war cry 
• Mattie doing G’s staff moves with the microphone stand  
• Annie/X standing up from that tangle of chairs 
• The POV of loafers hitting A in the face 
• X’s flips over A’s fireballs 
• X’s trick to get A to destroy the license 

EXTRA NOTES:

• Wouldn’t that vase be way more fucked up than it was for 2,000 years old? 
• The fans talking about a season 7 is another meta moment that fucks so hard with my head, but I loved it so much that they were well-aware of how in-demand the show was on its way out the door. I wonder if they were forbidden to continue the series. I seriously wonder what happened and will find out after these reviews are over.
• Yet another clips ep 
• 132 episodes in, I still love the X opening sequence
• Ares sounds a bit sick in the beginning, like his voice is raspy 
• Nice touch putting Mattie in those rollercoaster-like seatbelts for Harry’s (X’s) race-car-like driving  
• Man, Xena’s looking fine af in this episode. She does in all of them 
• Meg’s gig harkens hard to Anna Nicole Smith 
• The way X hurls herself into the pit is the same forward flip she used to dive into the sea at the beginning 
• Did X know A would rescue her? 
• Some might be mad that X kisses A in the pen-ultimate episode, but not me. I love that she has an on again off again passion for hate and war. So deep 

I was in the zone and jammed out pretty good to Lady Gaga's newest album this day, with a little Orbital to top it off. I feel all of these songs are relative to this episode, with the Orbital song being especially...prevalent.  

Xena: Season 6, Episode 19: "Many Happy Returns"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

“Many Hammy Lavernes” 

Um, this episode is fucking hilarious. And very gay. I wonder if it’s the last comedy.  

The only thing I remember about this episode is Xena surprising Gabrielle with the Sappho poem, placing it in her lap, and then very sweetly holding her own hands in anticipation and maybe vulnerability.  

Aphroditeeee 💕💕💕 

 

Genia looks like The Witch, Anya Taylor-Joy. I had to keep reminding myself that ATJ has more wide-set eyes than Genia and this episode probably aired when ATJ was born.  

 

If this episode were a bit more flying-focused, I would alternatively call it "The Superman Episode." Many parallels, from Xena saving the girl falling to her death [the Superman II (1980) Niagara Falls scene] to Xena taking Gabrielle flying as lovebirds like Superman did Lois Lane [Superman (1978)].

Finally, however you wanna take this, I would like to note: "When Fates Collide" and "Many Happy Returns" are both three-word-titles with the same number of letters. It took me years to wake up to this fact, but...better late than never, I suppose. 

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "How big is it?" X: "It's huge!" – Deny all you want, this is a dick joke. 

2) G: "Not the pranks." X: "It's tradition." – Xena indignantly arguing her case. 

3) G: "Xena, tradition or not, no practical jokes this year, all right?! Not at all. Please? Please?" X: "Oh, you're gonna have to do better than that." G: "Please? Please?" X: "All right no practical jokes." – OMG 

4) X: "What is that?" G: "Xena, give me that. [Places spyglass against right eye] Here. Huh. [Removes spyglass revealing black circle around eye] I don't see anything." X: "Huh. My mistake." – Ha. Haha. Hahaha. 

5) Zarat: "You're interrupting a religious ceremony!" X: "Forgive me, Father." – Another badass line from Xena. 

6) Genia: "I don't believe it!" X: "Think nothin' of it." Genia: "You ruined my sacrifice!" – I say this every time someone tells me it's time to go home. 

7) G: "Haha there's nothing divine about Xena. If she were a god, then I couldn't do this!" X: "Ow!" G: "Or that." – I love how suddenly serious Gabrielle is about pinching Xena’s butt then decides to try to punch her. 

8) G: “Or this- Ow!" X: "All right. You made your point." G: "Oh-kee!" – Hahaha the way Gabrielle says "OK" as she’s getting her hand smashed. 

9) G: "Well, why don't we introduce her to the gods that we know?" G: "Then she wouldn't wanna throw herself over a cliff for them." X: "Now, that is not a bad idea. Come on, Genia, quit goofin' around. I got someone we want you to meet." – Hahaha! Genia's passed out on the ground from trying to kill herself. This is hilarious.

10) Frakus: "Not this time, Pop. A woman swooped in dark, beautiful, dressed in leather. She jumped off the cliff and saved the girl." – Admiration of Xena will always be acknowledged in this dojo. 

11) G: "Last one in is a Centaur dropping!" X: "Shee-ya!" G: "Ohh! It's cold! Hey!" X: "Get off! I can't believe you did that!" G: "Come on in!" Genia: "No." G: "The water's great!" Genia: "No, thank you. It's OK. I'll just stay here and look at the bushes!" – By laughing, Xena seems to identify this for what it is, an accidental joke about beavers.

12) [Genia eats...fish and licks her fingers, as Xena stares in disbelief] Genia: "I have never experienced such pleasure." X: "And so quickly, too." – This is so fucking funny. What is happening. 

13) Genia: “Oh, my! I've eaten one of the almighty's creatures! As penance, I'm going to sleep on the cold, hard ground." G: "You know, a better penance would be to clean the frying pan." – I thought about this when Gabrielle said it, really thought about it, and she’s not wrong. 

14) X: "You know, if the gods didn't want us to eat fish, then how come they made it taste so good? Hmm?" – Again, I thought about what she said, not wrong. 

15) X: “You know, you should get some rest, Gabrielle. It's a big day tomorrow." – This is both sweet and funny. 

16) X: "Gabrielle!" G: "Yes, Xena." – The melodramatic way Gabrielle says this here, haha. We know what's comin’. 

17) G: "I, uhh, I thought- I mean Xena, you can catch arrows. I thought for sure you could catch a a bucket of fish guts." X: "Happy birthday, Gabrielle." – Game on.

18) Aphrodite [Giggles]: "Well, if it isn't my favorite girl group." – Hahaha 

19) X: "Aphrodite? Meet Genia, a virgin." Aphrodite: "[Gasps]" Genia: "I don't believe it." Aphrodite: "I don't either! I thought you guys were extinct!" – Loool 

20) X: "Listen we're going to Thebes for Gabrielle's birthday. Care to join us?" Aphrodite: "Thebes? You got Sappho tickets?? What row?" G: "Xena, Sappho tickets! I love her poetry." X: "Surprise." – This whole thing. It’s sweet and funny af. Funny in several ways 1) They’re treating Sappho like a modern day concert 2) Aph asking what row, which..I can’t 3) Xena’s surprise got blown so fast, haha 

21) Genia: "Like you're really a goddess." Aphrodite: "Watch this. I like that bag [magic: bag appears on Aph's shoulder] I have that bag.” – This is so well edited and gd funny! 

22) Aphrodite: “Xena, can I just pop us to Thebes?" X: "Nope! I want Genia to spend time with an honest-to-goodness immortal. That's you. Come on, Gabrielle, the sooner we get going, the sooner you'll get your present." G: "Uh-huh. She's planning my doom. I know it. I can feel it." – The way G goes from sarcasm to straight talk with Aph. 

23) G: "Xena could have taken her bag with her. Why would she want me to hold the helmet of Hermes, huh?" Aphrodite: "Oh, it's not. This is the helmet of Hermes." Genia: "Xena switched bags with us back at the marketplace." G: "Did she say why?" Aphrodite: "Nope. Just told us to hold it." – Love this whole convo. 

24) G: "Hi, Xena. I'm still sitting here, just watching your bag." X: "Yeah, thanks." – Hahaha, so casually she says this, and X doesn't have any tricks planned, so she doesn’t care. 

25) Ferragus: "So you remember me. Must have made quite an impression." X: "It's on your belt buckle." – OK, I don't get this. Seriously, what’s the joke? 

26) Ferragus: "I want. that. bag." X: "It's not for sale." Ferragus: "Who said anything about paying for it?" X: "Oh, you'll pay." – No one in the history of the world will ever deliver their lines with the silkiness of Xena. 

27) G: "Xena, we have to go after Ferragus. He has the helmet." X: "No, Aphrodite's got it. We switched bags in the marketplace." G: "I switched them back." X [spits out drink]: "What?" – Hahahaa! 

28) X: "But we'll fix that later. Right now we've got some baggage to claim. Come on." – Lol! Is this an airport joke?? 

29) Genia: "So how can I worship the goddess of love if I've never even experienced it?" Aphrodite: “You’re right, that does make you kind of a poser." – Looooll! God, I fucking LOVE Aphrodite.

30) Aphrodite: “All right, pick a guy, any guy." Genia: "Mmm. I'll take him." Aphrodite: "Good girl/bad boy - Oh, I love a classic!" – She just never stops. 

31) Frakus: "Father! I want you to meet the most wonderful girl in the world!.." Genia: "Genia." Frakus: "Genia!" – Didn't see this coming, where Frakus didn't even know Genia's name before asking her to marry him. 

32) Frakus: "We're engaged." X&G: "Aphrodite." Aphrodite: "Down in front. I can't see anything!" X: "What's the matter with you?" G: "You put a love spell on Genia." Aphrodite: "That I did. And even as we speak, our sweet little virgin is falling madly in love with the cutest little son of a - [Sees Genia in the lair with Frakus and Ferragus. Gasps]"

33) X/Anthrax: "Well, you must be Frankus! My boy, good to know ya. I'm Anthrax, and this is my wife, Spittoonia." – Hahaha Spittoonia. 

34) G/Belle: "Belle!" Ferragus: "Huh?" G/Belle: "Of Belle's Bridal Barn. 'Cause I put the 'ding' in 'weddin.'" – Hahaha her little shimmie to emphasize ‘ding.’ 

35) G/Belle: "Now, I see before my eyes: harem pants." – This is so funny. I guess I’m just going to post every single joke on here. 

36) Genia: "What am I doing here?" Aphrodite: "Remember? I put a spell on you to make you fall in love with his son?" Genia: "Ohh, that's right. I wanted to fully experience my goddess' power." X/Anthrax: "Just like you wanted to kill yourself for a bloodthirsty god. Genia, you can't give up your life for every deity that comes along." Aphrodite: "It's true, Sweet Pea. We're not all we're cracked up to be." – The lesson. Also missed Aph’s joke, dissing herself. 

37) Ferragus: "I don't know. It's a bit girlie." G/Belle: "Oh, no, honey. Not with those shoulders." – OMFG lol. I love that Gabrielle oftentimes is the one who has to adlib and keep the enemy distracted. The way she says this is hilarious. 

38) X/Anthrax: “Yeah? You got any scars?” – Xena says this so butchly, I can’t. 

39) Ferragus: "Here, this scar? Guy took out my spleen!" X/Anthrax: "Well, who needs a spleen?" Ferragus: "There, guy got me with a short sword." X/Anthrax: "Lucky it wasn't a long one." Ferragus: "You want scars. Well, I'll give you scars. Got this scar given to me by Xena the warrior princess herself!" X/Anthrax: "Let me take a look at that. [Aside] I don't remember. [End aside] Have to come to the light. Oh, yeah. Why, that Xena really is somethin'. She nearly split ya open like a coconut." – I love...so much...that Xena, even under deep cover, can't contain herself from pointing out how weak men are. 

40) Ferragus: "Well, I'll give you scars. Got this scar given to me by Xena the warrior princess herself!" X/Anthrax: "Let me take a look at that. [Aside] I don't remember. – Hahaahaha!! Like why does she need to tell Aphrodite and Gabrielle that she doesn’t remember giving him the scar. She is threatened by absolutely no one in that room. 

41) X: "Aphrodite, the zealots are looking for her there!" Aphrodite: "Huh?" G: "Robe, altar, human sacrifice?" Aphrodite: "That was a true story?" – Lol, "that was a true story." 

42) Ferragus: "What's the matter, Xena? Losing your touch?" X: "Touch this!" – Another dope Xena line.

43) X: "Gabrielle!" Zarat: "Up here. You may have stopped this sacrifice, Xena, but that's all! I will find other followers. Perhaps my next tribe will offer their sacrifices to me. [Jumps with regular helmet] No, nooo!" – Sick! 

45) X: "I'm really sorry, Gabrielle. I didn't realize Sappho was only here for one performance." G: "It's the thought that counts, Xena. Although I would like to hear her read her poetry one day. You know, how did you fall for my fish-guts gag?" X: "I don't know." G: "You knew that I would go crazy waiting for you to get even. Xena, didn't see it coming. [Spills drink all over herself]" X: "Nor that. Now, we're even." G: "[Laughs]" X: "Here, give me that. I want you to close your eyes." G: "No." X [Laughing]: "Trust me, please." G [Laughing]: "No." – I love the ease of this banter and teasing. So cute, well done, and a breath of fresh air. Also, did Xena let Gabrielle trick her with the fish guts, or did Gabrielle really trick her? Either way, I love that Xena sometimes lets Gabrielle have these small victories, like the time Gabrielle hit her in the face with her staff. 

46) X: "Close your eyes." G: "What is this?" X: "Open it. I had Sappho jot something down for you." G: "A poem? Sappho wrote a poem for me. I don't believe it. Xena, you had this planned all along, didn't you?

There's a moment when I look at you 

And no speech is left in me. 

My tongue breaks. 

Then fire races under my skin and I tremble. 

And grow pale for I am dying of such love 

Or so it seems to me. 

It's beautiful. This is the best birthday present I have ever had." X: "Aww. Of course, it ain't over yet. Happy birthday, Gabrielle!" – This is so fucking touching.

EXTRA LOVED:

• G trying to guess her present 
• X setting-up her telescope joke 
• X’s sadistic focus on the landing of her practical jokes 
• X’s chakram action 
• X beating people with the bagged helmet 
• G ducking that guy 
• X flying just as hard as she can 
• X saving the damsel  
• X flying 
• G getting back at X by pinching her nose and butt 
• X stopping G’s punch 
• Ferragus frisbeeing that platter 
• X&G bathing under the waterfall 
• X’s “And so quickly too” 
• G getting Ge to take the blanket 
• Sweet look on G’s face when X reminds her her birthday is tomorrow 
• X laughing about the slithering thing in G’s bedroll 
• G suddenly afraid of X after the fish guts 
• Aph appearing with two men, shocking Ge 
• The look on X&G’s faces when Aph points out that someone smells like fish 
• G constantly on her toes waiting for X’s next prank that never comes 
• Aph’s bag and rose tricks 
• X enjoying Aph not being believed to be a goddess by Ge 
• Aph just takes Ge under her wing right away 
• X eating that fruit after G turns her down thinking it’s a trick 
• Aph poofing herself, Ge, and her new handbag out of the pub 
• G lunging for the bag 
• G losing the bag and awkwardly yelling about it 
• X spitting out her drink after G tells her she switched the bags back 
• Aph and G’s coconut(?) drinks 
• Frakus is so cute 
• Aph hitting Fra and Ge with love spells and the sounds effects of this 
• X, G, & Aph’s undercover plan 
• Aph releasing Ge from the spell 
• Ge recognizing X as Anthrax 
• Aph poofing Ge and the helmet into harm’s way 
• X kicking butt in the zealot temple that’s apparently under contstruction 
• All the fighting X does on the ladder 
• X taking Ferg’s helmet 
• X chakramming-off Ge’s chains 
• X giving Frankus the old “I know how it feels buddy” pat on the shoulder when Ge tells him they can still be friends 
• God, this whole last scene. Thank you, lawd.  So sweet.  
• X’s nervous through the whole poem scene 
• 42:30 This look between X&G  
• X&G flying like Superman and Lois  

EXTRA NOTES:

• How weird and strained-looking were Xena’s fingers crossed behind her back 
• I didn’t catch-on to the telescope gag, until Gabrielle said, “Give me that.” 
• The fish guts thing is frickin disgusting, ugh 
• Alexandra Tidings is such a joy as Aphrodite, I know I repeat myself 
• I love what the show does with Aphrodite, that the goddess of love would love a virgin and be so excited to hang out with her. It’s adorable and funny. 
• There’s a huge span of time on Gabrielle’s birthday where Gabrielle thinks Xena is going to trick her any minute, but Xena actually never tricks her again until the very end. The prank that Xena finally played on her is a gag Gabrielle predicted earlier in the show, and I still didn’t see it coming. 
• Feels like they made up for the lack of fight scenes in "WFC" in this episode. There are a few.
• My laughter in this episode was begrudged. I would see something and think, “That’s stupid,” then laugh really hard. I couldn't help myself, it was funny! 
• In my DVD, there were a couple of places where the sound dropped low. I thought it was just me, but it’s hardboiled into the disc. 
• I delight in watching Aphrodite’s relief at releasing Genia from the love spell, once she has her out of sight.
• Xena and Aphrodite are all business once they get Genia out of her spell, even though Xena looks like a man. 
• I’m so confused about when they were supposed to see Sappho. There was no pre-dialogue about a second show. 
• Xena is so nervous during the poem scene, it’s so sweet!! 
• Sappho’s poem moved Gabrielle so much, she almost cries reading it. The mood is lost, though, when Gabrielle swats Xena and says, "it's beautiful." That can be taken two ways: 1) Sappho's poem is such a tender moment, and Gabrielle knows Xena isn’t good with her feelings, so she purposefully lightens the mood to spare Xena. Or 2) my preferred take: As Gabrielle reads the poem, it appears Sappho wrote it as if Xena is exposing her heart to Gabrielle, which embarrasses Xena. Xena's defense mechanism is to mask her feelings with humor, so she makes funny faces and acts goofy as Gabrielle reads. Gabrielle taps Xena with the scroll and insists, "it's beautiful," to get Xena to knock it off and own her feelings. Basically, Sappho called Xena out in front of her girlfriend.

I listened to this song this day. It's so bad-ass, isn't it. I really don't know why I don't listen to it every single day of my life. I realize it doesn't fit with this episode, and I don't care. 

 

Xena: Season 6, Episode 18: "When Fates Collide"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

“The Best Episode of Xena the Warrior Princess” 

I don’t even know where to begin reviewing this episode. It’s gigantic in my head already. It's probably more effective to paste the whole video onto the page and say, “Just watch.”  

This is the perfect fucking episode. It’s just perfect. Every shot, perfect. Every line, quotable. Literally every line. It's so cinematic. It’s even funny sometimes. It's arguably LL’s best-acted episode. Probably everyone’s. The whole thing is just gorgeous, fuck. It is the best Xena episode. 

And I cried like a titty baby. 

It has it all. It just did not lie. Like there’s no subtext here. I cannot BELIEVE they made this episode. What a fucking gem, god dammit. 

I was in the right head space, too, when I watched. I’m currently chatting with this girl on Bumble who wants to have sex, and I’m rereading Gray Line Pt. 3...Feel like I timed it just right. 

The past few months, I hesitated. I didn’t want to watch WFC during the election with COVID on the rise, because those two situations really truncated my ability to feel anything. One needs access to joy and love, when watching this ep. COVID is now roiling through the country, but the election is over. Biden has won, and I don’t have to worry about trump in a real way ever again. 

It is a small thing, but COVID19 is not bad in NYC rn, so on that front, I’m able to relax juuust a smidge. I mean, I’m numb from the pandemic, YES, but now is the best pocket of time I had to absorb this so important episode before 2021.  

Normally, I wouldn’t recommend watching “When Fates Collide” during a plague. 

Just for archival purposes, I want to note that I did see some horrible news and footage out of Texas right before the viewing, so I was extra raw. 

One worry with watching during coronavirus was that I would be so numb, if there was a moment when I was supposed to cry, I’d either not feel a thing or I’d sob. There would be no middle ground, lol. NOT RIGHT NOW. 

I also worried I'd misremember how good this episode was, but I didn’t. I didn't remember too much about WFC, with the exception of some scenes; just that it was really gay and I loved it.  

I see now that maybe airing “Last of the Centaurs” before this was a good move. It just gave WFC much more power. A huge leap, going from that to this. 

There was no preamble, they just jumped right in.  

Many shots of people saying nothing, which I appreciated. I think too much dialogue in a production is a sign of a weak story.  

When I first saw this episode in 2009, I didn’t see Gabrielle coming. Caesar tells Xena he has a play lined-up for her that night, but I just did not put it together. Of course, I knew to expect it this time, so didn’t get to experience the surprise. 

Xena, right out of the gate, straight up denied Caesar sex. Like, she’d already not been having sex with him for “a while.” The story is already saying to us there, that Xena's love for Gabrielle was so strong, the void of that connection was already crossing over into her new reality, messing with her life. Gabrielle wasn’t even there yet. This is so deep, my god.  

My favorite part about this episode, and the part I remember the most, is Xena hiding from Gabrielle on the balcony, then emerging in full view to stare at her, awestruck. The way Gabrielle looks away under the scrutiny is so natural. They didn’t even say anything. It's so well done, I just can’t even believe it. 

That technique is so affective. Xena and Gabrielle say literally nothing to each other on the balcony, but the whole episode is in that one scene. Ugh, it’s so fucking neat seeing them so attracted to each other when they don't even know each other. Such things can happen in real life, so I appreciated this representation, that they just let this scene exist and breathe. 

We see right away, Xena doesn’t have her chakram, because she never received it from Ares. But her subconscious need for an airborne weapon culminates into the bow...One thing about that, though. I feel like the show missed an opportunity to give Xena a sharp-assed, amazing-looking bow. The one she has looks flimsy in every scene. It doesn't scream "power" or "awesome." Not something that bothers me, just somethin' I noticed. 

I am not tryna be provocative here, but we have to talk about the sexiness of this episode. There’s such tension between Xena and Gabrielle and a constant theme of dominance and submission between almost all of the characters, most obvious when Alti slowly takes Xena by the throat, after Xena asks her to. Hot. Another example: Caesar and Alti in the bedroom, doin’ it. There’s a lot of old school bondage in this that translates, whether the director and writer meant for it to or not. “My emperor.” “My empress.” Please, that’s hot as shit.  

Everyone in the Xena fandom talks about “the kiss” that was written out of this episode. I thank god or whatever for this episode with my whole heart, but know this: I will never forgive whoever was responsible for the removal of that scene, just as I will never forgive the movie Fried Green Tomatoes (1991) for removing the sexual relationship.  

This episode is very "now," what with the fall of the dictator we just had and all. Trump behaves like Caesar, except dumb as shit. Caesar and trump tried to cheat and still fell. Alti is Mitch McConnell, just trying to kill everyone and steal all the power. The guards taking Gabrielle to be nailed to the cross - we know they can’t say no to Caesar and that the whole reason for crucifying Gabrielle a lie, made up by the dictator, simply because he didn't like her. No one could stop the Roman army, because they were completely under Caesar’s control. We just narrowly escaped that. Everyone in the United States is Xena and Gabrielle in this episode right now.  

• # of times we see Xena on a cross: 4
• # of times we see Gabrielle on a cross: 3 
• # of cell visits: 3
• # of times we see Xena spit in Caesar’s face: 2 
• # of times someone says, “Oh, I’m counting on it.”: 2 
• # of times Xena says, “I have many skills.”: 1 
• # of times Xena says, “Get out.”: 5 
• # of times the shoe was on the other foot: 5 
• # of times Gabrielle mentions her emptiness to Xena: 2  
• # of times Gabrielle or Xena mention something worth dying for: 4 
• # of times Xena says she loves Gabrielle: 2 
• # of times Gabrielle says she loves Xena: 0 

Fuck, this episode made me cry so much. If someone who’s never seen the show watched “When Fates Collide,” I don’t know if it would move them to tears. But just this episode, taken out of context of the show – just this episode, by itself without the series, is so good. My lord. It's fan-written, too! By Katherine Fugate, who is so famous in the fandom for this episode alone. I wish they had let her write more. If you have time, read about her thought process behind this story. It’s so much fun. 

In summary, “When Fates Collide” addresses the question of what would’ve happened if Caesar had taken Xena up on her offer to rule the world together instead of smashing her stems. It also begs the question: who saved the day? Even though Gabrielle burned the loom down to the ground, I think it’s fair to say that without Xena, they both would’ve been doomed. Xena is the one who took the initiative. Xena is the one who knew something was wrong. Xena is the one who went to Alti for help. Gabrielle is the one who took a leap of faith in obliterating the fabric of life, of course. Which is ironic, as she was always the one more prone to worship. 

One more thing: I think in my excitement I’m glossing over the fact that they homaged Basic Instinct hard in this episode. I can’t let it go unmentioned. Look at this image from the movie and let the comparisons fly. 

AND, finally, I can’t believe I never noticed this before, but this is a bit of a clips episode. 

The clips, although brief, that Alti used to kill people: 

• "Destiny" x 3
• "The Debt II" 
• "Back in the Bottle" 
• "Purity" 
• "The Ides of March" x 7
• "The Way” x 5
• "Between the Lines" x 3
• "When in Rome…” x 2
• "Coming Home" 
• "The Quest" 
• "Adventures in the Sin Trade II" x 2
• "Forget Me Not" 
• "One Against an Army" x 2
• "The Abyss" 
• "When Fates Collide" x 5
• "Sins of the Past" x 2
• "The Greater Good" 
• "A Tale of Two Muses" 
• "The Abyss"
• "Them Bones, Them Bones" 

I wish I had watched this when it came out in real time. I wonder what the viewers thought when they saw Caesar and the clips at the beginning. They had no idea what awaited them. I can’t believe I ever thought this show would get bad. This is the 130th episode out of 134 and arguably the best one.   

I can’t wait until I’m done with the series, so I can look at all the episodes in the Best Of DVD set. No doubt "When Fates Collide" is the main attraction. Zero doubt. 

I intend, after this, to (thoroughly) blow-through the last four episodes and finish this entire review before December. 

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) [Clip from "Destiny"] X: "Why don't you and I work together?" C: "So you want to help me conquer the world." X: "Why not? We'd make an unstoppable team. I'd love to join forces with you." C: "Some enemies are harder than others." X: "Oh, I count on it." – I have no comment on this, other than I needed to include it for other lines to make sense.  

2) C: "It's ironic, isn't it? How a single step can change the entire path of one's destiny. Had I not betrayed Xena, I'd be ruling Rome today. Instead, I get stabbed in the back by my good friend, Brutus, while Xena gets to ride off into the sunset with her girlfriend." – OMG he just says it there.

3) C: "Let me tell you about my destiny. With Hades out of the picture underworld security's become rather, uh, lax, which brings me to this defining Xena moment. Mysterious, romantic, good lighting." – The second joke. Not as funny as the first, but welcome.  

4) C: "Oh, I have some entertainment planned for my lady tonight." X: "A new wrestler from Thrace?" C: "No a new play from Athens.” – Ruh-roh!  

5) Actor: "The love we have is stronger than the Elysian fields or Tartarus." Actress: "We're gonna be together for eternity." Actor: "And I wouldn't have it any other way." – Is the eternity line said in "Fallen Angel" the Season 5 episode? YES, it is!  

6) Alti: "What do you suppose the Empress and the writer are discussing, hm? Horse-riding? Sword play?" – Love Alti’s delivery here. Such a dick always.  

7) G: "You, Empress, all of Rome talks about you. The country thrives. The people adore you. They say that the army would follow you through the gates of Hades." – Love it when people talk about Xena from rumor. 

8) X: "In the third act, you had your hero throw himself over the cliff with no fear of dying all for her. Do you really believe that kind of love exists?" – Xena dives off the cliff into hell after Gabrielle in "Fallen Angel." She is the hero in Gabrielle's play. Even when Gabrielle hasn't even met Xena, she's writes about her. God, I treasure the way this is addressed, that fate is treated as to be real, that destiny is destiny, no matter what universe, and can't be changed for whatever reason. The very idea that someone can write a story about something, and in another world, the story is real. So cool.

9) X: "Thank you, Gabrielle, for honoring Rome with your play. Good night." – This is so gd formal. I frickin love it. Regal af.  

10) C: "Tell me, what did you and that playwright talk about?" X: "Her work her life. She interests me." – I love hearing Xena talk to someone else about Gabrielle.  

11) Alti: "I had the most interesting vision tonight of you and the writer?" X: "You take liberties, Alti." Alti: "Really?" X: "The high priestess has no business in my bed chamber." Alti: "Well, it's Caesar's bed chamber, too. I saw the way you looked at her tonight during the play. Wouldn't Caesar give anything to have you look at him that way." – This is just...deLICious. My god.  

12) C: "Xena, are you all right? Tell me, Alti, is there a single reason I shouldn't kill you right now?" X: "Yes. Because I wanna do it. In the forum before the public." – Ugh, god! The way she says this. This writing. Thank you!  

13) Joxer: "This is a great honor, Empress. You know, you once did a great favor for me." X: "Oh, I did?" Joxer: "Mm-hm, my youngest daughter was very ill, and you allowed your physician to treat her. You saved her life, you know." X: "I'm pleased.” – Already Xena is having her change of heart.  

14) X: “Leave us. You, too." Joxer: "I can't leave the prisoner unguarded [X slams door in his face]" – Her authority is like pieces of candy in this episode.  

15) G: "Empress." X: "Caesar tells me that you are an assassin. Is this true?" – Her delivery here is aces. She’s already so tender with G, even with these confrontational words. I love this so much.  

16) G: "An assassin? I've never harmed anyone in my life. Why should you believe me instead of your husband?" X: "I believe you." – The way she says this. This episode just gives and gives. 

17) G: "They're building crosses." X: "Yes. You can't have a crucifixion without crosses." – This hurts.  

18) G: "I don't know. I'm a playwright. I live on a vineyard by the sea. I I have a simple life. What possible threat could I be to Caesar?" X: "I don't know, but I intend to find out. Guards?! [X to Joxer] You. Come with me.” – Awww shit! 

19) X: "Unlock it." Joxer: "But Caesar said-" X: "-to enrage the Empress til she beats the tar out of you?" Joxer: "No, I must have missed that, I'll open the door." – Here is the third joke and it’s frickin hilarious.  

20) X: "You implicated the playwright as your accomplice." Alti [Laughs]: "The playwright? Are you kidding me?" – Perfect. Love the way she says this. Peak Alti. 

21) A: “What do you want?" X: "Your hands on me. Like they were last night.” – Ok are you kidding me? 

22) X: "Your hands on me, like they were last night. They gave me insight and knowledge. These are things I value greatly." – I f love this line. 

23) Alti: "Wait. Free me, and I'll show you things." X: "You keep in mind what my husband will do to you if I am harmed in any way." Alti: "Oh, your husband?" – God, Claire Stansfield’s presentation this whole episode is great. She's completely comfortable with this role. I read that she said this is her favorite Xena episode that she did. Choosing one is a tall order where she’s concerned, but I agree.  

24) Alti: "Those images, they're not from this life. There's something more." X: "Yes, much more." – This script is like heaven. I’m mad there’s only one Katherine Fugate episode, but we are so lucky to have just this one. She’s gone on to do so much more, but this is by far to me her best work. I wish everyone could see it. I’m going to paste this tidbit directly from Wikipedia: “Fugate and her aunt, the actress Barbara Eden, are direct descendants of Benjamin Franklin.” I love this gd show, so much.  

25) X: "Crucifying me on the beach was drastic. I must have been your worst nightmare." C: "Yes, well, I've had better experiences with women." X: "So, it is true, you betrayed me!" C: "A regret I harbored for eternity, so I gave us a second chance." X: "You tampered with the Fates and their loom. This is madness." – AWESOME line and delivery. Xena doesn't yet realize how traitorous Caesar is, so this loom business is a surprise to her. Also here lies maybe the fourth joke, depending on what you do and do not consider to be a joke.  

26) X: “I will be your Empress, and we will conquer the world. But if you kill her, I will dedicate this life to changing things back to the way they were, and I can do it, because we both know, I have many skills." – Dead. No matter what happens in any lifetime, Xena will always say, "I have many skills."   

27) X: "Gabrielle! Get out of the way, get your filthy hands off her. Gabrielle!" – The ease with which Gabrielle's name rolls off Xena's tongue here exhibits the same familiarity with how she says her name in every single episode in the real timeline. It's so cool, because it reads like a directorial move and not an acting accident or coincidence. Just every tiny thing in this episode is so deliberate.

28) G: "Thank you for saving my life, Empress. I am in your debt." X: "I'm not your Empress. I'm your friend." – Xena might as well have said, "I'm not the empress, you are. Let's ride, my queen!!" 

29) X: “Gabrielle, go back to your vineyard by the sea. Be happy. Write all those great plays you've got inside you." – This is so sad, I was ugly-crying during this. Xena believes she won’t see Gabrielle again, and as much as that must hurt, it doesn’t override what's most important to her. The only thing that matters to Xena at all costs, is that Gabrielle live.  

30) [Xena turns and walks away from Gabrielle in the courtyard] G: “Xena.. Xena!” [Xena stops] – And here now is Gabrielle calling Xena's name with the same comfort we're used to seeing. Xena actually stops in her tracks and stands there, back turned, when she hears it. This episode is done so well, we know what Xena is thinking and feeling when she hears Gabrielle say her name. She's hers. 

31) G: “When I thought I was going to die, it all became so clear. My life is empty despite my success. I write about love, but I've never felt it before." – And what kind of love does Gabrielle write about? Romantic love. She’s proclaiming she loves Xena here.  

32) X: "Rome is not safe for you. Leave now." G: "I will never forget you."  

33) A: “Your wife freed me.” – Amazing.  

34) A: “You need a much more loyal partner, Caesar." C: "I don't trust you, Alti." Alti: "I love Rome just as much as you do, Caesar." – This is awesome. Who saw this story coming?  

35) C: “I pardoned that playwright Gabrielle. Find her. Kill her.”  

36) Alti: "Aw, such a pretty girl, huh? Do you know what a fate worse than death means? Dying before you get a chance to know who you really are." – This is so deep and makes me think of all the people who died before they knew who they were. It can also be interpreted in a gay way, where Gabrielle doesn't even realize she likes women, yet. That she's in an epic, EPIC relationship with the hottest woman on Earth.  

37) X: "This isn't about you, Alti!" Alti: "Oh, yes it is! It's all about me and what I know! Your story will end with your playwright unable to save her 'Fallen Angel'." – The only sappy, unlandable line in the whole episode, and it's still good.  

38) X: "This is where your memories end, Alti."  

39) Joxer: "No! No! You can't help her but I can help you." 

40) C: "Your death will not be in vain, Xena, because you'll always hold a special place in Rome's heart amongst Caesar's conquered." – He says this to her in “Destiny” right before he breaks her legs. He says: “Us. There was never any us, Xena, only Rome. And I am Rome. Still, don’t think that what we had was meaningless. I’ll always remember it, and you’ll have a special place of honor among my conquered.”  

41) C: "And what about you, Brutus? Do you also look up to Xena?” – This is so cool, because Brutus’s silence says he clearly does. Like I said, I love other people conversing about Xena in any positive sense. This type of appreciation is a very meta experience, much like this whole fucking episode. It's a brain twister, which I enjoy.

42) C: “Alti will be joining us on our march east as my new Empress. Do you have a problem with that?" Brutus: "Caesar, if I speak out, it is from concern. It doesn't mean I'm any less loyal to you." C: "Please don't misunderstand me. It's not that I love you any less, but that I love Rome [-stabs Brutus] ..more." Brutus: "Ugh!" C: "And I am Rome." – These last two sentences are veeerry nicely done.  

43) Joxer: "I can't believe they were gonna kill you for writing that bad play.” – This is so gd funny...I can’t even believe how funny this is.

44) J: “I saw [the play]. Coulda used a few more fight scenes." G: "I'll keep that in mind.” – Joxer says this, then Xena at the end. Hilarious both times. I just love that, even in the most dire circumstances, there's always room to dunk on Gabrielle's writing.

45) G: "Alti showed me something. Another world or time." – Xena waves this off, but this is probably the thing that saved them both. Would Gabrielle have galloped to the Fates’ temple and torched the world fabric, had Alti not shown Gabrielle what was taken from them?  

46) X: "That doesn't matter now. Ahh!" [X recoils in agony as G helps her sit-up] G [Whispers]: "I'm sorry." X [Whispers]: "That's OK." – This is really sweet, G apologizing for hurting her and X gently saying it’s ok because she loves her.  

47) G: "Xena, when I'm with you, this emptiness that I have felt my entire life is gone. You have to tell me what's going on." – This is meaty. This is how Xena and Gabrielle always are with each other, trying to get to the bottom of stuff. This time, the problem is obstruction of their eternal bond. Toight.  

48) G: "I can't let you die." X: "Some things are worth dying for. Isn't that what your play was about? Being prepared to sacrifice all for love?" – I looove that Xena’s whole thing in this is keeping Gabrielle alive. She's laser-focused immediately on just that. And it works, Gabrielle saves them. [SERIES SPOILER] If you follow this logic, Xena comes back after “A Friend in Need.” [END SERIES SPOILER] It’s a metaphor for a relationship: in a good one, you save each other.  

49) X: "In the other world, my destiny was linked to Caesar and that cross, and I hated them both, but now I realize that everything happens precisely as it should. Precisely." – This is the most profound thing ever said in the whole show. It is probably my favorite line. And I imagine this is when X&G were scripted to kiss.

50) G: "Xena "X: "Go now, Gabrielle." G: "I can't." X: "Go now. Get out." G: "No." X: "Get out." G: "Don't." – Love this second "get out." It’s soft but desperate, and scary.  

51) X: "I'll love you forever." – My fucking heart. This hits extra different, because we know it to be true. The whole show is about how the two are soulmates.  

52) G: "Don't touch her." – Now, it’s Gabrielle telling the guards not to touch Xena.  

53) Clotho: "No! Burning the loom-" Lachesis: "-will destroy everything!" G: "So be it." – YES BITCH. BURN. IT. DOWN.  

54) X: "I love you, Gabrielle." – Another thing that sticks out in my mind as being SO interesting about this episode, is that Xena says she loves Gabrielle TWICE. Gabrielle says it zero times, and I think unless you’re counting, you miss it. Gabrielle's feelings for Xena are implied so fucking hard in the episode, she doesn’t need to say it. The show has always been about Xena’s love for Gabrielle. It motivates the whole show and transforms Xena into who she is. I have said it before, and I will use my own time to say it again: this show is brilliant. My favorite show.  

55) X: "Hey." G: "Hi." – BOLD.  

56) X: "You brought the world back to us." G: "I'm glad. I like this one better." X: "Even though you're not a famous playwright?" – In relationships, everyone feels unworthy. I love Xena's vulnerability in feeling like she's not good enough for Gabrielle. She allows herself to feel that way with no one else.

57) G: “Did you really like my play?" X: "It was all right. Maybe it could've done with a few more fight scenes." – Thank you, Jesus Christ, for this ending.

EXTRA LOVED:

• Xena’s beginning horse stunts 
• Caesar trying to please Xena with the play 
• The way Xena bows at the Chin emissaries. She has bowed like this before. Just a curt bow, I love it so. 
• Alti doesn’t give a shit about the play 
• The look on Caesar’s face when the actors announce Gabrielle as the playwright 
• Xena throwing a rose to Gabrielle 
• The way Xena and Gabrielle look at each other from the stage. Gabrielle makes a gesture like, “Well! I certainly felt that.” 
• Xena on the balcony looking over the city in that blue lighting 
• Xena gathering her courage and stepping out of the shadow to face Gabrielle
• Caesar truly cares about Xena and hugs her to calm her 
• Caesar again seeing Gabrielle with alarm on the balcony 
• The way Xena looks talking to Gabrielle in the cell for the first time, merciful GOD 
• Xena and Gabrielle trying to figure out why Caesar would want Gabrielle dead 
• Xena treats Joxer like shit as always 
• The look on Xena’s face while in the cell with Alti 
• Xena’s physical reaction after being shown her other life by Alti in the cell 
• Xena and Alti working together
• Alti, flummoxed herself about the visions from Xena's other life 
• Xena’s back while she grips the prison bars, trying to regain her composure 
• Gabrielle being dragged to the cross 
• Xena going to Gabrielle after bargaining with Caesar to let her live 
• Xena pushing the guards off of Gabrielle 
• Xena telling Gabrielle to get on the horse and live her life 
• Alti choking Gabrielle 
• Alti’s laugh 
• Xena’s punch to Alti, releasing Gabrielle 
• Xena getting dragged by the horse
• Brutus looks up to Xena
• Caesar stabs Brutus right as he says “Rome” 
• Xena’s bloody tears 
• Gabrielle sitting on Xena’s cell cot after Xena’s just been taken to be crucified. As if Gabrielle's just been hit by a truck 
• It’s raining while Xena is being crucified 
• The spliced scenes of Caesar getting stabbed to death with X having nails hammered through her hands and feet 
• The loom going up in flames 
• 41:21 This angle of Xena on the cross 
• Xena riding up to Gabrielle through the fog after Gabrielle just saved the world 
• Gabrielle jumping up behind Xena on the back of her steed, like old times

EXTRA NOTES:

• Xena spits in Caesar’s face twice in this ep. Both times he’s about to kill her. 
• There should’ve been way more blood on Caesar’s toga. Just sayin.' 
• The horse stunt person's muscles were poppin.'
• The Fates: Elizabeth Pendergrast has played Atropos since the very first appearance of The Fates; Chloe Jordan has played Lachesis in the last four appearances, since "God Fearing Child;" and this is Leah Mizrahi's first appearance as Clotho in the series. 
• Claire Stansfield is so hot in this. It’s like the crew realized the more they used her in the show, how hot she was. 
• Gabrielle's play Fallen Angel is the actual Season 5 episode “Fallen Angel.” The two main actors are wearing white cloth, as X&G did at the beginning of “Fallen Angel,” and there appear to be two archangels and a regular angel onstage with them. At the end of both the play and the S5 episode, the actress and Gabrielle respectively tell their loves, "We're gonna be together for eternity." This is...BRILL. IANT. 
• Xena was already so proud of Gabrielle about the play, and they hadn’t even met yet. 
• That lie of Caesar’s about Gabrielles was smart and very Caesar-y.
• The cutting of Gabrielle’s hair is so brutal and actually looks real. Not her long hair wig, but the cutting.
• The convo in the cell about why Caesar would want Gabrielle dead is great. Gabrielle is explaining how simple she is. We see what a conundrum it is to her and Xena that Caesar would suddenly want her dead, while the answer is so obvious to us. Very cool to watch. 
• The first time we see Alti fucking Caesar in that vision, who knew that was Alti? 
• When Xena says Gabrielle’s name when helping her up from the cross, it’s the way she says it in every episode. They’re suddenly right back where they were, but they've just met. 
• The way Xena treats Gabrielle when she’s helping her off the cross is exactly the way I always want Xena to react to Gabrielle. Gabrielle is the most important thing in the world to her, she treats her with the utmost respect. She cherishes her, the guards around them become nothing, she gives Gabrielle the royal cape off her back. Caesar looks on, knowing that he’s lost Xena and that he and she are now just married in law only. This scene is remarkable. 
• And there is Gabrielle saying Xena’s name with familiarity when Xena walks away from her at the cross. This moment is AWEsome. The moment Gabrielle says her name, Xena is hers, and she knows it. She just knows it. It's dope af. I’m not trying to be gay here, it’s just conveyed so well that they know they belong to each other and no one else matters, not even Caesar. So subtle, the way they nuanced this detail into play.  
• Man, when they show early clips, everyone looks so babyfaced, it’s amazing. Gabrielle sounds like a child. 
• Notable that Xena didn’t have the chakram and instead used a bow and arrow...Ares hadn’t given her the chakram yet. He gave it to her after Caesar broke her legs around the time Xena met Borias, but since, in this timeline, Xena joined with Caesar when they met, she never met Borias and didn’t receive the chakram. 
• When Alti says, "It's all about me and what I know! Your story will end with your playwright unable to save her 'Fallen Angel'." Though this line isn't the smoothest thing, she’s talking about the real timeline where Gabrielle saves Xena in "Fallen Angel." 
• This is making me want to watch "Fallen Angel" so fucking badly. 
• 32:05 Caesar’s wig looks kinda bad here, lol. 
• Kinda confused as to why Caesar didn’t finish killing Gabrielle, but there’s no time for that now. 
• Kinda confused at how Gabrielle knew where to find the Fates, too, but again there’s no time for this. 
• ...Kinda having trouble understanding Gabrielle’s misplaced anger at the Fates who’ve been bound this whole time. 
• From 35:38–39:55 (4 mins. 17 secs.), no one says a single word. I love this. We’re just shown what happens. There’s a whole crucifixion scene, a murder scene, and Gabrielle making her way to and into the Fates’ temple without a single word. There are a few scenes like this in this episode, and I seriously think it's why this episode is so good. A lot of showing over telling.
• “When Fates Collide” is tight mf title. Man. Just thinking about it as it pertains to the story is so juicy.
• Last episodes: Joxer, Alti, Caesar
• Directed by John Fawcett, who also gave us “The Way,” “Fallen Angel(!!!),” “Them Bones, Them Bones,” “The Rheingold,” and “Return of the Valkyrie.”  
• Fan-written story! Sooo much online fanfiction came from Xena. Without any investigation, I'll say it kickstarted the online presence of fan fiction on the internet. I mentioned a lot of these bards were given a turn on Season 6, which makes my heart explode. Amazing they did that. This was Katherine Fugate’s.    

Listened to a litany of songs this day. All of them good, but here are some highlights. I figure this episode deserves more than just one, and I'm feeling charitable. And yes we are starting with Ariana Grande, followed by Lauv and a little King Princess.