Xena: Season 6, Episode 13: "You Are There"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

“The Real World: BC” 

Heeee! This is another amazeballs reality TV episode, probably most def inspired by "A Day in the Life." Here we go:

Obviously, honestly completely forgot Ares and Aphrodite were in this, much less that they become gods again. I'm so glad. 

Watched this at my parents' house during COVID-19 with the new Xena DVD set I just bought for this purpose (quality is surprisingly subpar). I forgot to bring my other set! So, forgive me if my review is despondent and weird. I'm trying my best! 

Here is the OVERFLOW OF MY "LOVED:"

• Michael Hurst fixing his hair and glasses  
• Xena's face when she throws the Valkyrie down the stairs 
• Xena getting interrogated by Michael Hurst 
• That Odin loses his shit in a Jerry Springer way during his interview 
• Michael correcting Nigel that he's an archangel and not just an angel 
• Ares topless again. I'll never tire of this
• Ares laughing at Nigel 
• Nigel smiling and chewing on his glasses while watching Xena and Ares' kissing footage 
• Xena knocking that guy onto the food table 
• Xena kicking Odin in the butt, always 
• Ares becoming a god again 

Here is the OVERFLOW OF MY "EPISODE NOTES:"

• Excellent Valkyrie stunts when they're hoisted out of the bar  
• Watching the episode a second time, you catch things you didn't see before, such as the townspeople (Vikings) just hanging out chatting outside the bar 
• Noticing more and more that Gabrielle's eyes are blue 
• Yay! They went back to Ares' farm! 
• When Nigel falls from Heaven, you can clearly see he just laid on the ground with smoke all around him for the falling effect
• I love that Lucifer walks away when Nigel says he's on a journalistic investigation 
• A descrepancy with the script: Gabrielle does know the pinch, Xena taught it to her in "The Haunting of Amphipolis"
• Nigel running up to Valhalla with Aphrodite is a scene a lot like war journalism. I love that they kind of explore all of these documentarian approaches in this episode
• How did Nigel not know that Grinhilda was the person in the cape until her final interview? She was the only person wearing a cape like that 
• OK, I have never liked Eve has as much as I do in this episode. Hoooollyyyy SHIT, she's so fucking funny. She has to be physically held back when talking to Nigel, just like Xena during her interview. She even lands a punch. So gd funny. I could go on about this, because I think it's the writer's/director's critique on religion, especially Christianity 
• Chris Black wrote just one other Xena episode: Season 5’s fantabulous "Amphipolis under Siege" 

And finally, regarding my nephews’ stash of personal sized Famous Amous Chocolate Chip Cookies: I am not a monster, but I am at my parents house in the middle of a pandemic and the boys are nowhere in sight. I admit to eating all their shit that my parents usually keep in stock for them, including the cookies and all tiers of Lunchables.  

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: "Well, I don't wanna make a sister Valkyrie look bad, but you're gonna have trouble following those orders." Valkyrie: "Think so?" X: "Mm-hmm." — The way Xena says "Mm–hmm" here... 

2) Nigel: "Here's Xena now. I think we're just gonna go over and talk to her. Excuse me, coming through. Oh! Sorry, Valkyries." 

 

3) Nigel: "Xena, Warrior Princess. To many, she's seen as a savior a protector of the downtrodden and the innocent. Others, however see her as nothing more than a butcher, her hands stained with the blood of hundreds - no - thousands of innocent people. Which is it? Tonight we put that question to the legendary woman herself." — The way he says, "Which is it?" is so fucking funny. He is having the time of his life playing this reporter. 

 

4) G: "Hey! Watch where you put your hands!" Crewman: "We're set. Roll sound." X: "Yeah, you watch where you put your hands, buddy." — Hahahha, this part.

 

5) Nigel: "Xena, welcome. And also with us this evening, Gabrielle, the battling bard of Poteidaea, Xena's constant traveling companion, and the chronicler of her deeds. Glad you could make it." G: "Uh, thank you. It's, um, it's good to be here." — Looooll 

 

6) Nigel: "Xena, first to you. You don't have exactly the greatest reputation here among the Norseman. As a Valkyrie, you used Odin's runes to visit a reign of terror on the people of this land." G: "Everyone's seen the tapestry." X: "Uh, that was a long time ago." — Lololol! This is supposed to be like "Everyone saw the tape?" 

 

7) Nigel: "And what about the Olympian gods? You destroyed them also, didn't you?" X: "Not all of them, no." G: "Oh, see, they were they were trying to kill her daughter." X: "Right." 

 

8) Charron: "Raw numbers? Nah, she's a drop in the bucket. But Xena has sent me some pretty heavy hitters: Ilainus of Mycenae, Velasca, Mark Antony, Calisto, you can even make a case for Caesar, himself. You see, these people do not lose their mortal coils without a fight." 

 

9) Caligula: "Is this gonna take long? You know [Caligula, Former Emperor of Rome,  Deceased], because I've been waiting for this stupid barge forever. That boatman? I've been bumped twice already. Peon! Damned arrogant ass! Doesn't know who I am." — Once again, hilarious appearance by Alexis Arquette.  

10) Caligula: "Xena? You just wanna ask me about Xena? Fine, I'll tell you. She's a snake! A treacherous deceiver, like the rest of her sex. Never turn your back on her. She and that bard of hers? Yeah, like we don't know what's goin' on there, huh?" — This just needs to go on record. Thank you, lord.

 

11) Caligula: "Look, I've spilled enough blood in my day to know why anyone does it. It's the scent of it, the taste, the thrill! Xena's no different! I'll show you. Hey, you, there, who killed you?" Man: "You did, beggin' your pardon, I think you were drunk. You slit me open from here to-" Caligula: "-Uh, ba, ba, ba!" — Hahahaha

 

12) Caligula: "Xena's evil! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! I was a god! A living god and that bitch took me out." Charron: "All right. Oh there's one more thing I'd like to say. At least Xena pays her fare unlike another so-called superhero I know, more like super-cheapskate. That's right I'm talkin' about you, Hercules. Grrr Hercules." Nigel: "'I was a god, a living god, and that bitch took me out.'" — When MH quotes this? Hilarious. And love that they diss Hercules here, because fuck him.

 

13) Nigel: "You claim to have masked your identity in a magic cloak of invisibility. But isn't it true that only Odin himself knows the mystic runes whereby he can make himself invisible?" Odin's voice: "Damn it." — Hahahha!

 

14) Nigel: "But surely Ares and Xena have an adversarial history." Odin: "You buy that, do you? Huh? You would. Did you ever stop and think why Xena didn't kill Ares when she had a chance? Hm? It's because she's got a thing for him! She's always had a thing for him!" —The way Odin says "you would" is so fucking funny. That he even says it at all. 

 

15) Nigel: "But there was one other person who could shed some light on the twisted codependent relationship between the warrior princess and the god of war." (Knocking on Ares' door in the sticks) Ares: "Go away. I said get lost!" Nigel: "There's definitely somebody in there. I'm gonna keep trying." — Nigel is hilarious, omg.

  

16) Nigel to Ares: "Are you saying that there are other gods who survived Xena's attack?" X  Yells from Inside the House: "Yo! Ares!" Nigel: "Wait a minute. Who's that? Can I, I think we should-" (Worms his way into Ares' house.) Ares: "Hey, hey, hey!" Nigel: "I'm gonna go in here just go, um-" Ares: "Hey! This is private property!" 

 

17) Nigel: "Hello. I'm here in Hell and I'm about to do what no other reporter has ever done before. I'm going to interview Lucifer." — Loool

 

18) Lucifer: "What are you doing here anyway? Are you one of mine?" — The most delicious line ever. 

 

19) Nigel: "Then you believe the word of Xena is not to be trusted." Lucifer: "She's a lying sack! I only wish I could get her down here mete out some serious everlasting punishment." — Every word out of lucifer’s mouth is gold. Seriously, I had a hard time deciding not to just post the whole transcript of his appearance.

 

20) Lucifer: "You know, you're a real pain. I can't wait to get you down here." Nigel: "With respect, sir that's not going to happen. You see, I'm not a murdering warlord, no, no, no. I'm an award–winning investigative journalist. I'm a member of the fifth estate." Lucifer: "Like I said I can't wait to get my claws into you." — This...is so fucking funny, and I’m sure any investigative journalist who watched this, howled. 

 

21) Nigel: "Why is Xena trying to steal the golden apples? And why is she shacked up with Ares? Did you know that? That's the same Ares that killed Eli while your mother stood by and did nothing." Eve: "You want to know about my mother? I will tell you about my mother!" Nigel: "Keep shooting." Eve: "Ugh, you little [shit]! If my mother is with Ares, you can bet she's got a pretty [fucking] good reason!" Nigel: "Are you still jealous that Ares was obsessed with your mother the entire time he was sleeping with you?" Eve: "You [fucking] brat!" Nigel: "Hey, get off! Get off me!" Eve: "Stay the hell away from my mother! You stay the [fuck] away from me, or I will kick your [fucking ass]!" Nigel: "Not the kind of words you'd expect to hear from Eve, the messenger of Eli. Whatever happened to walking the path of light, Eve?!" Eve: "[Fuck] off!" — Lololol!

 

22) Nigel: "Come on, Gabrielle. I know that Xena is more to you than just a friend." G: "OK you're right. She's she's my best friend." — :")

 

23) Nigel: "What would you say, Gabrielle, if I told you that not too long ago, I found your friend, Xena, in a tumbledown little love shack at the edge of town in the arms of Ares?" — This is very Jerry Springer and very funny.

24) X: "If you've done your research, you'll know that I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You got 30 seconds to listen to what I have to say. Do you understand? Understand? You wanna know if I love Gabrielle. Well, let me ask you a question. Do you love anybody? Do you love your wife? Do you love your dog? Do you love yourself? Is there anyone in this world that you love with all your heart? No, there isn't, is there? Because you can't love. None of us can. The world has lost the greatest gift the gods ever gave us, and I'm gonna get it back. Now, that's your story. You hear me, Odin? I'm comin' for you!" — This whole line is amaaaazing. I didn't see this plot twist coming.

 

25) Nigel: "A world without love, a world where the skills of the delicious goddess no longer lift us to heights of almost intolerable pleasure." — OMG this is a fucking funny line. They keep coming one after the other. This episode is a gift.

 

26) Madam: "Well, what'll it be tonight? We're running a special on a little number we call 'Thor's Hammer,' or, for a bit extra, you can get 'The ride of the Valkyries.'" — ...

 

27) Nigel: "So you would say, then that there has been no sudden shortage of love in the world." Madam: "Oh, I didn't say that, now." Nigel: "You did say business _was_ booming." Madam [Laughs]: "My business has never been about love! If these boys were looking for love they'd be wooing their sweethearts or at home with their wives. The less love I have to deal with, the fatter my purse." — I love the inclusion of this. It sort of a dive into what it’s like to have a murderous personality disorder. 

 

28) Madam: "Calling number 27! One Thor's Hammer! It'll make you feel like the god of thunder!" Ares: "27! You! I got 27!" Nigel: "Ares, the former god of war!" Ares: "No, I'm not!" Nigel: "Uh-" Ares: "Crap!" Nigel: "We found Ares, the former god of war, half–naked and stinking of booze in a bordello!" Ares: "I'm tryin' to get laid! I'm not a criminal!" — Hahaha!!

 

29) Nigel: "All right. Here's what I'll do. I'll mention each god by name and then I will count 5 seconds. If, within that period, you fail to respond, I'll assume the answer is yes. Understand?" Grinhilda: "5 seconds. What?" — Lololol 

 

30) Nigel: "OK, I'm counting. Right. Hades, 1-hippopotamus, 2-hippopotamus, 3-hippopotamus, 4-" Grinhilda: "Forget it. I don't have time for this." — They didn't have to put this in. It's a subtle, little funny thing, but they included it and rode it to town and it's so, so funny.

 

31) Aphrodite: "Oh! Well when I left Olympus, the world was full of my love, but with me no longer there to replenish it, it's just faded away, squandered by those who failed to see how precious it was and spurned by others who thought they didn't need it, and now it's all gone poof." Nigel: "Poof, indeed." — I'm surprised Aphrodite didn't get as much airtime in this episode. It was all about her after all. 

 

32) Nigel: "We're here, before the walls of Valhalla. Xena entered just minutes ago. You can hear the sounds of an epic struggle as Xena possibly the greatest human warrior in the history of the world battles with Odin king of the Norse gods." — I like to always include a quote of someone talking about how strong of a warrior Xena is.

33) X: "Give this apple to Aphrodite and bring love back into the world, that's a novel and very unselfish idea. No, it's not something that the Xena you know would do." Nigel: "Well, maybe before, I was reporting on the wrong Xena, Xena." X: "Maybe " — Love how she says Maybe.

 

34) Ares: "I guess you know I'll never stop trying." X: "I'd expect nothing less." — Poignant...I love Ares so much, that I always kind of want him and Xena to end up together, and then I remember what the meat is. 

 

35) Nigel: "When Ares was expelled from Olympus, that must have made your job a lot easier. Why did Xena send him back?" X: "You know why? Because, well, you can't have love without hate. You can't have peace without violence, and you certainly can't have forgiveness without anger. I knew I couldn't just send Aphrodite back to Olympus without Ares. It would have thrown the whole world out of balance." — I like what she's doing here, but is Ares really the god of hate? Maybe he is...Maybe he is.

 

36) Ares: "Do I think she did it because of how she feels about me. No. I mean don't get me wrong. I mean, there were sparks. I mean, you could see that, right? Yeah. But no she pretty much did it for the same reason she always does, redeeming herself for her evil past: 'Oh, I killed so many people! The pain, the pain,' you know. But my offer, it was genuine. I mean, there is a place for her here. It's not what it used to be, though. OK, Chuckles, let's cut it! OK?! Outta here! Do not make me zap you!" — Poetry in motion.

Listened to this song the day I watched this episode. It doesn't really fit the scope of the ep, or does it. 

Xena: Season 6, Episode 12: "The God You Know"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

"The Episode with Alexis Arquette”

Yo, yo, yo! Another toight episode from Season 6iiiiiix. Some personal things before I jump in: 

1. Please note, even though I watched this episode in 2019, I wrote this review during coronavirus.
2. I am starting to really internalize that I'm approaching the end of this show, and because of that, I'm feeling and probably showing more warmth to the coming episodes than I normally would. All I can say is that I can't wait to see them all and finalize my reviews, because when I'm done with them, I'm going to start the show over and watch the shit out of all of it again.
3. I literally cannot believe it's taking me eight years to review this gd show. 

Few episode notes - unsolicited, unadulterated, and unhinged:

• Sure, I was a tap annoyed Eve was in this, but it could be the last time we see her, Aphrodite, and Ares? So it was bittersweet.
• I love this show so much, but I wish there were more episodes focusing-on and challenging Xena and Gabrielle's relationship. If there's one thing I had to say I didn't like about this episode and the last, it's that Gabrielle and Xena were so disconnected. And coming off the Valkyrie arc? Come on. That's not to say I didn't like this episode. I did. It's solid. 
• The end was interesting but kinda low energy.  

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: "If I find out that you're behind any of this, Michael, I swear, I " Mic: "As you well know, Xena your daughter obeys a higher power than me." X: "Michael, don't forget if I can kill gods I can kill angels, too." — I’m sorry, this retort is everything. 

2) X: "What happened to (Aphrodite)?" Ares: "I came to Rome because I heard she was losing her mind. You see, without the god of war, the goddess of love becomes unbalanced." — Deeeeeep.

 

3) Saba/X: "In a former life, my manager and I had a little floor show which we would like now to perform for you in honor of our emperor's exotic taste in entertainment." Caligula: "Now, you're talking." — Even though I'll do anything for a scene like this, I kind of rolled my eyes at Ares as the centerpiece. It was a little too on the nose. He was only in this episode for this scene and this scene alone, which is a waste. 

4) Ares: "You know I have fantasized about this in a hundred different situations. I've gotta tell you, I never got to this scenario." X: "Well, enjoy it while you can, because in about 30 seconds, all hell is gonna break loose." — Hahaha, I love this expression.

 

5) Saba/X: "Join the club. Caligula, I am immortal, too." Caligula: "Saba the charioteer's a god?" — Ha! Saba/X: "No, Saba the Celtic goddess of sex is a god. When I heard that the Olympians had met an untimely end, I thought this was a perfect opportunity for me to spread my wings. And of course, when I saw you, I knew you'd make the perfect ally." — Hahaha fuck

6) Caligula: "How dare you speak to me in that way?! Do you know who you're talking to?!" Saba/X: "Do you? My offer's on the table, Caligula. And think about it, carefully. I make a very good friend and an even better enemy." — You tell 'im, Xener!

 

7) Eve to X: "I don't need you to interfere with my mission!" (Xena punches her) Saba/X: "Granted she's a bit irritating, but why here and now?" Caligula: "Well the demon with wings said that if I spilt her blood, it would ensure my legacy as the greatest of all gods." Saba/X: "The demon with wings?" Caligula: "Hmm." — Superb. I love the way X says this lol

 

8) Aphrodite: "I'm sorry. Why are you doing this to me? What do you want?" G: "I want my friend back." Aphrodite: "I've never seen you before today. I could turn you into a mosquito, you know?" G: "You could have done that hours ago, but you didn't. You know why? Because you do know me. You don't want to hurt me." Aphrodite: "Well, if we're such good friends then how come I don't recognize you?" G: "Because you're giving up your identity to some maniac whom you claim to love." 

 

9) X: "Michael! You tried to get Caligula to kill Eve to force my hand. Now you go after my girlfriends. That's not gonna happen. Bring it on." — Dang, I thought she was going to say girlfriend singular. I was poised on the sideline ready to rock my hips. 

 

10) X: "I've got one more question for you." Michael: "Huh?" X: "What happens to angels when they die?" — Good one. I've had this question, too.

 

11) Caligula: "Whoa! Oh, yeah! I feel good! Watch me! I feel good, watch me!” — Love this delivery.

 

12) Saba/X: "Open the door. Leave us." — This is the tone of Xena's voice that I like.

 

13) X: "No, you forget. I am your mother and I would die before I'd let him touch a hair on your head." Eve: "You can't protect me from all the cruelty in the world forever, Mother." X: "Well, it's funny you should say that." — OMG this is most hilarious. They go from this very touching scene, to this terrible situation where Xena's gonna torture Eve. 

14) G Yelling Anonymously in the Crowd: "That's Xena! That's Xena, the warrior princess!" Person in Crowd: "Xena?" Caligula: "Xena? Xena, I know that name. Yes, Xena, slayer of gods." X: "Also known as Xena, mother of the girl you so charmingly called `Whore of Rome'." — Uuuuh oh. She's got your number now, buddy. Bettsies hidesies!

 

15) X: "Caligula, I have been killing gods for years and you can hardly throw a fireball straight. So you gotta ask yourself, do you feel lucky?" — To state the obvious, this is a Dirty Harry ref. In case you didn’t know. 

 

16) X: "The only person in all Rome who could kill Caligula was Caligula." — Very novel-esque.

17) G: "Xena, there was nothing you could do. He was evil." X: "No, he was damaged. He wasn't evil." — She's kind of talking about herself here, right? 

 

18) Eve: "Are you sorry, Mother? To lose your greatest gift? The ability to kill gods?" X: "Nah, it'll just make life spicier. Besides, I've still got my two greatest gifts and I've got no intention of losing either of them." — This isn't the strongest scene in the series. She said the same thing she did at the end of Season 5: “I don't intend to lose either of my two gals!” or something.

Alexis Arquette has appeared in many films, but here's a scene from Pulp Fiction that you probably remember but didn't realize was Alexis. 

I listened to this song the day I watched this episode. This album was the ride of my life for a couple months there. And actually I think I've noticed that I've never posted a song by Ladytron, which is odd, because they're definitely a large part of my music library.