Xena: Season 6, Episode 12: "The God You Know"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 

"The Episode with Alexis Arquette”

Yo, yo, yo! Another toight episode from Season 6iiiiiix. Some personal things before I jump in: 

1. Please note, even though I watched this episode in 2019, I wrote this review during coronavirus.
2. I am starting to really internalize that I'm approaching the end of this show, and because of that, I'm feeling and probably showing more warmth to the coming episodes than I normally would. All I can say is that I can't wait to see them all and finalize my reviews, because when I'm done with them, I'm going to start the show over and watch the shit out of all of it again.
3. I literally cannot believe it's taking me eight years to review this gd show. 

Few episode notes - unsolicited, unadulterated, and unhinged:

• Sure, I was a tap annoyed Eve was in this, but it could be the last time we see her, Aphrodite, and Ares? So it was bittersweet.
• I love this show so much, but I wish there were more episodes focusing-on and challenging Xena and Gabrielle's relationship. If there's one thing I had to say I didn't like about this episode and the last, it's that Gabrielle and Xena were so disconnected. And coming off the Valkyrie arc? Come on. That's not to say I didn't like this episode. I did. It's solid. 
• The end was interesting but kinda low energy.  

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it. 

EXTRA QUOTES:

1) X: "If I find out that you're behind any of this, Michael, I swear, I " Mic: "As you well know, Xena your daughter obeys a higher power than me." X: "Michael, don't forget if I can kill gods I can kill angels, too." — I’m sorry, this retort is everything. 

2) X: "What happened to (Aphrodite)?" Ares: "I came to Rome because I heard she was losing her mind. You see, without the god of war, the goddess of love becomes unbalanced." — Deeeeeep.

 

3) Saba/X: "In a former life, my manager and I had a little floor show which we would like now to perform for you in honor of our emperor's exotic taste in entertainment." Caligula: "Now, you're talking." — Even though I'll do anything for a scene like this, I kind of rolled my eyes at Ares as the centerpiece. It was a little too on the nose. He was only in this episode for this scene and this scene alone, which is a waste. 

4) Ares: "You know I have fantasized about this in a hundred different situations. I've gotta tell you, I never got to this scenario." X: "Well, enjoy it while you can, because in about 30 seconds, all hell is gonna break loose." — Hahaha, I love this expression.

 

5) Saba/X: "Join the club. Caligula, I am immortal, too." Caligula: "Saba the charioteer's a god?" — Ha! Saba/X: "No, Saba the Celtic goddess of sex is a god. When I heard that the Olympians had met an untimely end, I thought this was a perfect opportunity for me to spread my wings. And of course, when I saw you, I knew you'd make the perfect ally." — Hahaha fuck

6) Caligula: "How dare you speak to me in that way?! Do you know who you're talking to?!" Saba/X: "Do you? My offer's on the table, Caligula. And think about it, carefully. I make a very good friend and an even better enemy." — You tell 'im, Xener!

 

7) Eve to X: "I don't need you to interfere with my mission!" (Xena punches her) Saba/X: "Granted she's a bit irritating, but why here and now?" Caligula: "Well the demon with wings said that if I spilt her blood, it would ensure my legacy as the greatest of all gods." Saba/X: "The demon with wings?" Caligula: "Hmm." — Superb. I love the way X says this lol

 

8) Aphrodite: "I'm sorry. Why are you doing this to me? What do you want?" G: "I want my friend back." Aphrodite: "I've never seen you before today. I could turn you into a mosquito, you know?" G: "You could have done that hours ago, but you didn't. You know why? Because you do know me. You don't want to hurt me." Aphrodite: "Well, if we're such good friends then how come I don't recognize you?" G: "Because you're giving up your identity to some maniac whom you claim to love." 

 

9) X: "Michael! You tried to get Caligula to kill Eve to force my hand. Now you go after my girlfriends. That's not gonna happen. Bring it on." — Dang, I thought she was going to say girlfriend singular. I was poised on the sideline ready to rock my hips. 

 

10) X: "I've got one more question for you." Michael: "Huh?" X: "What happens to angels when they die?" — Good one. I've had this question, too.

 

11) Caligula: "Whoa! Oh, yeah! I feel good! Watch me! I feel good, watch me!” — Love this delivery.

 

12) Saba/X: "Open the door. Leave us." — This is the tone of Xena's voice that I like.

 

13) X: "No, you forget. I am your mother and I would die before I'd let him touch a hair on your head." Eve: "You can't protect me from all the cruelty in the world forever, Mother." X: "Well, it's funny you should say that." — OMG this is most hilarious. They go from this very touching scene, to this terrible situation where Xena's gonna torture Eve. 

14) G Yelling Anonymously in the Crowd: "That's Xena! That's Xena, the warrior princess!" Person in Crowd: "Xena?" Caligula: "Xena? Xena, I know that name. Yes, Xena, slayer of gods." X: "Also known as Xena, mother of the girl you so charmingly called `Whore of Rome'." — Uuuuh oh. She's got your number now, buddy. Bettsies hidesies!

 

15) X: "Caligula, I have been killing gods for years and you can hardly throw a fireball straight. So you gotta ask yourself, do you feel lucky?" — To state the obvious, this is a Dirty Harry ref. In case you didn’t know. 

 

16) X: "The only person in all Rome who could kill Caligula was Caligula." — Very novel-esque.

17) G: "Xena, there was nothing you could do. He was evil." X: "No, he was damaged. He wasn't evil." — She's kind of talking about herself here, right? 

 

18) Eve: "Are you sorry, Mother? To lose your greatest gift? The ability to kill gods?" X: "Nah, it'll just make life spicier. Besides, I've still got my two greatest gifts and I've got no intention of losing either of them." — This isn't the strongest scene in the series. She said the same thing she did at the end of Season 5: “I don't intend to lose either of my two gals!” or something.

Alexis Arquette has appeared in many films, but here's a scene from Pulp Fiction that you probably remember but didn't realize was Alexis. 

I listened to this song the day I watched this episode. This album was the ride of my life for a couple months there. And actually I think I've noticed that I've never posted a song by Ladytron, which is odd, because they're definitely a large part of my music library.