Xena: Season 6, Episode 09: "Return of the Valkyrie"

ALTERNATIVE TITLE:

"The Valkyrie Trilogy, Part 3: Sleeping Beauty"

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

I remember when I first saw this episode in 2009. I hadn’t any previous knowledge of what I was getting myself into and was just stunned by the kiss. I was in total disbelief that they'd done that, and that I managed to not hear a word about it for nine years. I still can't believe it. The way Xena looks at Gabrielle there… I don’t know how they got away with that. 

The embodiment of surreal is Xena and Gabrielle staring at each other after the kiss. I was like, “What the fuck am I watching??” What WOMEN have stared at each other like this, even now?

They totally beat Maleficent (2014) to the punch, btw. Just sayin'.

FYI, this is another Emily Skopov ep. Remember her last one was “Heart of Darkness” and we all know what that was about...

Some Hot Takes:

• GOD DAMMIT Gabrielle is so fucking hot in this. I don’t think I’ve seen anything so darkly sexy as Gabrielle lain out on that rock in that dress with her beautiful long hair that she can't cut.
• Can we just discuss how awesome it is that Xena only had ring flashbacks in front of Beowulf, because she was getting married and it was the first time since she'd had amnesia that she put a ring on herself and someone else?
• Wiglaf is probably wearing a wig. 
• I do love Xena jumping through the fire. Should probably include that in my "Loved" section.
• When the guards block Xena with their spears, they make an X. 
• If Gabrielle could walk so easily to watch Xena give the Rheingold back to the Rhein Maidens, why did Xena have to swim to get there?
• Sleeping Beauty references: the ravens, roses and vines hardcore, and even the chakram as the enchanted sword that cuts through everything. And of course Gabrielle herself, who’s dressed like Sleeping Beauty. 
• P.S. for subtext: in Sleeping Beauty, it's "true love's kiss" that awakens Aurora.
• I am so mad how weird the kiss looked because of the green screen. It doesn’t look like Xena. It only looks like her as she’s pulling away. How the below picture exists, I have no idea. They must've taken a publicity photo and thank god they did, because it is not this clear on the DVD. Either that, or this was the original footage before they CGI'ed-in the fire.
  

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Beowulf: "What conquest are you people celebrating?" Dude: "The conquest of King Hrothgar's heart, sir. He's marrying the noble and fair Wealthea." Beowulf: "Hm, thank you." Wiglaf: "Wealthea, that's not a Norse name." Beowulf: "Hm." Wiglaf: "I wonder what it means." Beowulf: "My guess would be that it's uh, Celtic or... warrior princess." – Excellent. Loved this.

2) Priest: "Make you vows." Hrothgar: "Wealthea, I make the Viking pledge of eternal love and devotion." X/Wealthea: "I'm sorry. I, uh.." Hrothgar: "You're overcome with joy." X/Wealthea: "Yes, I'm overcome." Beowulf: "It was the ring. It's the ring that's changed her." – Much enjoy Lucy Lawless portraying a Xena who's lost her memory. And interesting to consider that Beowulf, up until this point, probably thought Xena was dead.

3) X/Wealthea: "Oh, I am the luckiest woman in Denmark!" – I scream this all the time in the streets of New York.

4) Waltraute: "If they died in pursuit of the ring, I'd understand, but to spill their blood for the ordinary woman who lays entrapped beside it.." Sieglinda: "Our sister Brunhilda turned herself to flame to protect that Gabrielle. Perhaps she's not so ordinary. And Xena seems to care a great deal for her, too." Waltraute: "You speak the name of that conniving bitch in the presence of heroes? Thank the gods she's dead and fed to the fishes." – Woah, watch it Sieglinda!! There's no bff loyalty in Odin's house!

5) Hrothgar: "I've waited so long to make you truly mine." X/Wealthea: "I know, Hrothgar. Yes, and you know that I have been devoted to you since you pulled me from the icy waters, but would it be so very hard to wait just a few more hours?" Hrothgar: "I would wait even longer if I thought I had your heart as well." X/Wealthea: "Yes, but- Hrothgar, my husb- husband. Hrothgar! No. You- our union has given me a new purpose. You have always known that my priorities are different than other women's." Hrothgar: "You are a Viking queen. Your priorities are as your master decides." – Gross, but hey a Viking queen!

6) X/Wealthea: "Come in, my lord. You wish to play a game, master?” – What the fuck.. is happening.

7) Beowulf: "Xena, your life is in danger. When Odin learns you are alive, he will kill you and Gabrielle will never be saved." X/Wealthea: "Gabrielle?" – I live for this shit.

8) X: "What's the matter with your men? They look like they've seen a ghost." Wiglaf: "No, not a ghost, a legend." – I can't fully relay how much I love this.

9) Wiglaf: "All these men can talk of is a chance to see you in action. To tell you the truth, I'm-" Beowulf: "-about to go and polish your blade. Is that right, Wiglaf?" – Is this a fucking jackoff joke??

10) X: "I thought he loved me and now you tell me that this name 'Wealthea' is not even my own." Beowulf: "You are Xena." X: "I could have done so much good for the Viking people." Beowulf: "The Xena I remember could do more good with this sword than a than a hundred Viking queens could ever do. And the Xena I remember could never forget what happened in that swamp, the face of Gabrielle, the most loyal friend in the world." X: "I remember none of these things." Beowulf: "You may not remember them, but they are inside you." – Yeah, I'm just going to include all talk of Gabrielle to Xena without commentary.

11) X: "Are you a demon? Or my own mind made mad?" Vision of G: "I am the truth of who you are. Our souls are united, Xena." Beowulf: "Xena? Xena, are you all right?" X: "Yes. This Gabrielle truly loved Xena, didn't she?" Beowulf: "And will till the end of time. Gabrielle saved you from what you were as you must now save her." – This is so sexy. Xena is scared to death of herself. Not to get deep or anything, but her reactions to her visions of Gabrielle are a commentary on how frightening and intense love is.

12) Beowulf: "We're in Grinhilda's domain." X: "Beowulf, if I'm not the one-" Beowulf: "You are. Brunhilda's flame will recognize you as Gabrielle's soulmate."

13) Waltraute: "It makes me sick to see you've grown so soft." X: "Softness and weakness are two different things. I have no quarrel with you. I'm here only for Gabrielle!" Waltraute: "You sound like one of those pathetic lovesick boys who burned themselves to a crisp." – Subtext.

14) G: "Xena." X: "Oh, Gabrielle." G: "I dreamed you'd come back for me." X: "It was like I was in a dream, too. I forgot everything. But even though I didn't remember you, I felt your presence and knew that I would never be complete unless those shadows were brought into the light.” – I think the placement of this dialogue is off. Beowulf is literally dying feet away from Xena. There's a fucking tree monster trying to kill her with no flame to stop it this time. Would have been better suited to the horse ride or somewhere thereafter.

15) X: "Beowulf, I'll always be indebted to you for bringing me back here." Beowulf: "Hey, I needed the best. The legends didn't lie, Xena, you are the greatest warrior I've ever known." X: "Thank you, friend." – In case you weren't listening, that's Beowulf telling the world that Xena's the GOAT.

16) G: "You have a good heart, Beowulf. If it weren't for you, I'd still be in Brunhilda's flame." Beowulf: "I think we both know Xena would have found you eventually."

17) G: "Thank you, Brunhilda." Brunhilda: "Godspeed, Gabrielle." – Fucking haaate this part. Would’ve been more effective if Brunhilda’d said nothing. She was dead.

18) Odin: "What do you want?" Grinhilda: "Return me to my position as chief of the Valkyries." X: "She'll teach them a nobler use for their powers, Odin." Odin: "I'll think about it." X: "Don't think too long." – Classic Xena!

19) X: "35 years ago. The shame of it makes if feel like it was yesterday." G: "Memories are powerful, Xena. I'm so thankful that yours brought you back to me."

So like this is the scene from Aliens (1986), obviously recreated in this episode when Grinhilda stabs Bey. Grinhilda even looks like the alien.

Listened to this this day.

Xena: Season 6, Episode 08: "The Ring"

Alternative Title:

"The Valkyrie Trilogy, Part 2: The Death of Grindl Loggins"

Xena: “AaAAaaAhhH!” Grindl: “RraAArrRaarararrr!!” 

This is my second nine, the first being the previous season for "Fallen Angel." I waffled between a nine and eight, finally making one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my entire adult life. I might change my rating, but right now this is me. This is how I feel.

The addition of Joel Metzger as a staff writer this late in the series is interesting. He didn’t come from Hercules. This is his first standalone ep of Xena, and he has several more coming up, yet he didn't know the show when he was given the job. This episode's so good, so I'm deeply curious and fascinated. 

Also, this is long-term director Rick Jacobson's last episode. GREAT SIGN-OFF.

Brunhilda literally goes after Gabrielle here, willy-nilly. It’s all out in the open... Man, everyone falls in love with Gabrielle!

As if we needed more confirmation that this arc is about Xena and Gabrielle being in a relationship, the love rule about the ring is as such: It applies to romantic love, not friendly or family love. Romantic love. Otherwise, Grunhilda’s son Grindl wouldn’t have been able to wear the ring. 

This should really be in my notes, but OMG, after like three viewings of this episode, it finally hit me: Brunhilda turned herself into an eternal flame, just like Odin was trying to show Xena she could do in the previous episode. Self-sacrifice. I thought it was just a random joke.

One thing (out of many) I love about this episode is the long fight scene that slowly turns fascinating, where Grindl is kicking Xena’s ass. He's almost killing her and the way Xena then finally figures out how to kill him is chilling. (This happens to a similar extent in the previous episode, before she gets kidnapped.) Just... I don’t remember Xena ever getting the shit beat out of her to the point where she’s so desperate she’s howling. Loved it.

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) Beowulf: "We're deep in Grindl territory." Brunhilda: "The chances of finding her are getting less and less." G: "Then we pick up the pace." Brunhilda: "What I'm trying to say is, don't get your hopes up, Gabrielle." G: "I'm not relying on hope. Xena's tough to kill." – I love Gabrielle’s resolve that Xena’s a badass.

2) G: "Xena is alive.” – Praise the sun!

3) Brunhilda: "Xena, I have waited my entire life to meet you." X: "If I knew I had a fan coming, I would have combed my hair." – Hahaha! Oooh, Xena!

4) X: "I've learned to respect life, love, and peace." Brunhilda: "Why? What happened?" X and G share a long look: "Lots of reasons." – This is where Brunhilda sees that Xena does indeed feel the same for Gabrielle.

5) X: “You two should go. Live to fight another day. This is my battle." G: "Our battle." Brunhilda: "I won't leave Gabrielle." Beowulf: "Neither will I." – Dude, Gabrielle’s got the Midas touch, but instead of gold she turns everyone into hard-ons.

6) Beowulf: "So, what's your plan?" X: "I'm going to lure Grindl in here. When she's in position, I want you bring the mountain down on her head." G: "Her? What is this Grindl?" – Hahaha! I love how Gabrielle just doesn’t have the fucking time for Grindl.

7) X: "[The ring] is no use to you. You know what the runes say unless you have forsaken love the power of the ring will destroy what you value most." Grinhilda: "The runes also say that anyone who puts on the ring has a surge of godlike strength before the destructive power kicks in." – The rules of the ring explained.

8) Beowulf: "You mean, this monster that's been killing my people is actually Grinhilda the Valkyrie?" Brunhilda: "Then why didn't you just use the ring to kill her?" X: "Killing her would have been kind compared to what I had in mind for her. As fearsome as she was in her new form she knew that she was no match for me with the ring. She fled." – I love talk of how bad Xena used to be. This conversation is like delicious hors d’ouevres.

9) X: "I knew that the power of the ring would be useless to her unless-" G: "-she learned to forsake love." X: "That's right.” – The way X looks and G and says this is so good, omg.

10) X: "Come and get some.” – Xena loooves to say this. She says it in "A Family Affair," also to a monster.

11) X: “Stay here!" G: "Xena, no! Xena!" X: "I thought I told you not to come in here!" G: "I never listen!" – hahahaha

12) Brunhilda to G: "You know, before I met you, I never thought of a warrior as having any love but the love of battle." X: "I'm gonna tend to this. Brunhilda, could you scout up ahead? See what's over that ridge? Thank you. [Bh leaves. X turns to G] I don't like her." – Hahahaha!

13) Odin: "The plan was once Xena had the ring you were to attack her in a wakened state and take it!" Brunhilda: "Yes, but there were complications." Odin: "Complications. My ravens they tell me you've fallen in love with her partner. Is it possible you thought that killing Xena would kill any chance you had with Gabrielle?" – Oh my god, this is blatant. It's probably the most spelled-out lesbian thing on Xena I’ve seen (so far).

14) Odin: “Xena has the power to kill gods. She's also capable of taking out her share of Valkyrie. But she has a weakness her partner Gabrielle. Capture her and the ring is ours." – ...
 
15) X: "You've come for the ring." Odin: "And you want your friend. May I suggest a trade?" X: "A trade." Odin: "Hm." X: "No, I saw your faces when Brunhilda carried Gabrielle off. You were as surprised as I am. She's acting alone." Odin: "Hahaha. You killed Grinhilda's son." X: "Her son?" Odin: "Yes she was with child when you caged her.” – Here’s something fucked up that no one talks about again.

16) X: "You want that ring for yourself." Odin: "Yes, it ensures my power against other gods and god-slayers like you." X: "Have you forsaken love?" Odi: "After you it wasn't very hard." X: "Then I'd be a fool to give it to you." – Love this writing.

17) G: "What are you doing?" Brunhilda: "Odin and the others were gonna kill you for the ring." G: "We left Xena to fight them all." Brunhilda: "Is Xena all you think about?" G: "Sh- Xena is my family. She's the most important thing in my life." Brunhilda: "All right, Gabrielle, listen to me. I bring to Valhalla the bravest warriors slain in battle - heroes. But your heart has more truth and courage than any that I've seen. The beauty inside you burns like a star, Gabrielle. I was supposed to betray you and Xena but I couldn't, not now. You've changed me. You've opened my eyes and you've change me the way you changed Xena." G: "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry." [She walks away] Brunhilda: "I defied my god for you, Gabrielle!" – This whole convo. "Is Xena all you think about?" Fuck, this conversationnn!! Gabrielle’s face is there is sheer surprise. Brunhilda is accidentally making Gabrielle face some things about the way she feels about Xena, that she didn't even realize were on deck.

18) G: "Xena and I have a connection. It's stronger than either one of us. We're soul mates." Brunhilda: "My love is strong. I can feel it!" G: "I am trying to tell you that Xena and I are meant to be together. We didn't make it that way. It just is." Xena in the distance: "Gabrieeeelle!" G: "Xena!" Brunhilda: "I can see your heart lies with Xena, but I'll prove to you which one of us deserves your love." – This is painful to watch. We know how Brunhilda feels.

19) G: "Brunhilda you can't win. Listen to me. This is wrong. Can we just let's just talk about this!" Brunhilda: "Get back." [Fight] G: "Xena." Brunhilda: "They're gonna kill her before I get a chance to prove my love for you." G: "What are you fighting for? You want to win my love? You're going to shed blood for what? For me? You call that love? You're sick." – This is kind of mean from Gabrielle, but good for her.

20) Brunhilda: "Xena. Odin will bring all of his forces upon Gabrielle until you give up that ring. You have to trust me. It's the.. you've put the ring on your finger. But Xena, you haven't forsaken love. Take it off!" X: "I don't know what you're talking about." Brunhilda: "The curse is already working." X: "I don't know how I got here. What's my name? What's my name?" Brunhilda: "You've lost your memory, your sense of self. What about Gabrielle?" X: "I don't know her." Brunhilda: "Xena, give me the ring." X: "Why does everybody want my ring?" Brunhilda: "Xena, give me the ring and everybody will leave you alone. [Xena gives her the ring.] Thank you." – Love this simple writing, that they didn't make a big deal out of it, and nice touch that a memoryless Xena would think the ring is hers.. And Brunhilda does a really good thing here. She's so sincere, Xena gives her the ring with no fight.

21) Brunhilda: "Gabrielle." G: "Brunhilda, I am going to find Xena." Brunhilda: "Xena won't know you." G: "Won't know- won't know me? [laughs nonsensically] What are you talking about?" Brunhilda: "She put on the ring." G: "No." Brunhilda: "And she lost what she values most: you. The memories of you and the woman that you helped her to become." G: "No." Brunhilda: "Here. This ring is too powerful to fall into undeserving hands and so are you. But I can't protect in this form, not from Odin, and he and Grinhilda will stop at nothing. They'll kill everything associated with Xena." G: "In this form?" Brunhilda: "I'll become an eternal flame for you. Only your true soulmate will be able to pass through the fire. You'll be safe. [Says magic words and turns into a fire, circling Gabrielle] See, Gabrielle? You have changed me." – This exchange makes the episode. It made me wonder what the heck I'd just been watching and bumped this episode up to a nine. Brunhilda is so diplomatic telling Gabrielle that Xena won't remember her, which is heartbreaking. Then she casually comes up with this plan... It's gorgeous.

This is obvious, so I won't fight it. I bet they listened to this in a loop on set. 

I listened to this song this day. It fits, because Xena puts the ring on twice in this episode, and light flows through her, hotly. The truth the first time was that she loved no one, so the ring didn't hurt her. The truth the second time was that she loved Gabrielle. The ring hurt her that time, didn't it.