Xena: Season 4, Episode 4: "In Sickness and in Hell"

Alternative Title: "The Grossest Thing Ever Seen on Film"

Man, even though nothing much happens, plot-wise, this review took me forEVER.

Number of times...

• Xena mentions having a "tough week": 2
• Joxer makes a joke about women: 3
• Xena flicks a louse to its fiery death: 3
• Xena talks about Argo being upset with her: 5

Just wanna mention scene 38:37 — There’s a piece of Xena fanart I look upon every now and again. It depicts Xena and Argo at the moment of 38:37, and it’s supposed to be pretty but I've always thought the rendering a bit "off" and juvenile, because the artist made Xena’s hair huge. Watching this episode, I realized the fanart is from this episode and that hair is actually accurate, because it's big from being filthy. Awesome. P.s. - I still think the fanart is juvenile, just not "off."

SPOILERS: My reviews are full of them! I'll try to note when I'm about to spoil the series by posting [SERIES SPOILER] before said item and [END SPOILER] after. Please don't read the review, unless you've seen the episode under discussion or don't care if I spoil it.

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EXTRA QUOTES:

1) G: "Something just hopped out of your bedroll. Hold still." X: "What is it, a bald spot?" — Hhaahahaha! Sounds ad-libbed.

2) G: "What about Argo?" X: "She saw me. She knows I'm here. Ah, she'll probably meet up with us later." — Just like my cat would meet me and my friends after a night at Petey's.
 
3) X: "I don't have lice! It's-it's dandruff! It's-it's-it's a minor scalp irritation, that's all." G: "Whatever. I'll catch the rabbit."

4) X: "Have you noticed anything about my hair?" Joxer: "Uh yeah. Looks.. lovely." X: "No. Gabrielle she had this crazy idea about bugs or something." Joxer: "Oh, your lice. Yeah, I can see them from here." X: "I don't have lice." — Hahahaha

5) "J: Xena? If it'll make ya feel better, I'll go look for Argo." X: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'd take a load off." — The way Xena says this- I cannot handle anything at all.

6) X: "Mmmmm. Give me the scroll." G: "Ugh!  Next time, find your own bush!” J: "Girls, please, there's bushes enough for everybody." — The way Gabrielle says this is SO GOOD. This episode is so fucking funny.

7) J: "Wait. Wait. Wait, wait. I'm Joxer the Mighty, remember? Oh Joxer the Mighty, he roams through the countryside?" Villager: "Oh, not that song, again! I can't get it out of my head! The meter is awful! Kill him!" — Hahahaha! Meter..

8) X: "Give Joxer a list of every able-bodied villager and secure the outhouse!" Inn-Keeper: "The outhouse? Is that important?" X: "It is to me!"

9) X: "We're doing all we can to avert an all-out war with the Scythians. But in the unlikely event that you will be called upon to act, you'll need to use [pulls out sword] one of these. I need a volunteer. I pick you" Villager: "Mmm?" X: "Yeah. Come on, come on, come on. Don't be shy; your mother wasn't. All right, hold that. Got it firm?" Villager: "Yeah." X: "All right, you got it? Oh yeah, you got it. Mmmmm." — This line, to me, is the standard of comedic excellence and I have been referencing it as such since I first saw this episode in 2009. And the joke about the mother not being shy…was that in the script or ad-libbed? It is GOD DAMNED BRILLIANT.

10) Inn-Keeper: "And you're welcome to use the town's natural mineral bath." X: "[Belches] Hmm, good" — This belch and her face sound and look real. Such a dude thing to do. 

11) X: "Ugh! Gabrielle? Gabrielle! Wake up. Stomach. I did it [does pinch motions]. Find out what you can." — She signals that she put the pinch on the guy with her fingers and she’s in serious pain, it’s fucking hilarious.

12) G: "Stheena, what iths it?" X: "It's Argo." — Is it just me or is that totally not Argo.

QUOTES RE: XENA FREAKING OUT ABOUT ARGO:

1) X: "That's strange. Argo seems to be deliberately avoiding me. Something's wrong." G: "Yeah, you're telling me. Xena, it's green, it's red, it's on the move."

2) X: "I've never left her alone for this long.. I know what it is. She saw me ride off on another horse." G: "Are you saying that she's jealous?" X: "She's hurt! She's gotta be hurt by that!" G: "Xena, maybe she's just visiting her old haunts. I mean, this is where you found her, right?" X: "Yeah. Yeah, I thought she was the most beautiful horse I'd ever seen. We we bonded immediately. It was like we were made for one another. We even knew what each other was-" G: "Ahhh. Mmmmm. Yeah. Ah, yeah, that's it." — Just realizing this is Argo's origin story. Xena found Argo running wild in a field?

3) J: "You know? Argo's a nice horse. I'm sure a lot of people would like to have her." X: "Are you out of your mind? Argo wouldn't go to anybody else. She'd die first." G: "Oh, Argo, Argo, Argo. Someone walked by with an apple, and she followed him home." — That's exactly what happened. Remember? The brilliance of Gabrielle's clairvoyance is lost at the end of this episode.

4) G: "You thinking about Argo? [Clears throat] X: "It's hard not to." G: "Xena, I know how close you too are. But I don't think she's holding a grudge against you." X: "You don't know how moody she can be. She doesn't open up to you." — Then Xena throws a louse into the fire, which screams then sizzles into ash. Fucking hilarious. 

5) X: "I just can't believe that Argo would let someone else ride her. Wh-what we had was such a beautiful thing. I ruined it!" — It goes without saying that the ongoing joke in this episode is that Argo cheated on Xena, but Xena kinda had it coming, just like Issa did from Lawrence.

POLITICAL CORNER/JOXER'S FAILED JOKES ABOUT WOMEN:

1) J: "OK. Then, uh, it's settled. We're a team. Joxer the Mighty and his mighty band of mighty men, uh, girls, uh, mighty. Joxer the mighty, and his fighting, mighty, women fighters, fighting." — This wasn't funny, but I think it's a joke. I think.

2) J: "So, those Scythians are pretty good horsemen, huh?" X: "The best. Their warriors will stop at nothing. They're tough and ruthless." J: "Oh! And their women are rough and toothless. Heh heh heh!" — That’s sexist, but probably how people talked back then. Ancient locker room talk?

3) G: "What did you put in my breakfast?" J: "Just radishes and water. Why?" G: "My stomach feels like Monday morning in Tartarus." J: "You know? I just think you're feeling a little puffy, irritable, and bloated, today." — Even though this is sexist, it’s fucking hilarious, as Gabrielle doubles over and pukes in the woods. 

Xena's lice sound like they're having the time of their lives, just like the Isz in The Maxx (1993) at 0:48 (you should watch this whole short series though, it's so good.)

Joxer summons Elmer Fudd when talking "wabbit" with Gabrielle. Point in case:

 

Xena shakes the lice out of her hair like Allison makes a winter wonderland out of her drawing in The Breakfast Club (1985) at 1:05. Also, so sorry about the stupid song.

 

The reward scene at the end of this ep mirrors the one in Three Amigos (1986). A nod.

 

Tried to find something fun and silly that I'm listening to right now to match the tone of this episode. I think it's gotta be Mega Ran's "Splash Woman."

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